stuff and things and things and stuff

Wow, what a creative title. So much effort was made into writing such a title!

...... of course that was sarcastic.

Anyway. Hi everyone. I have returned for another post.

Well, I'm back at college. I'm finished with my first week of classes for this semester.

Wow, what a time.

I have no classes on Fridays this time. So yeah, I had no classes today. Nice.

All of my classes are well over 50 minutes long each since each of my classes only meets twice a week.

Oh and all of my classes are in the afternoon and evening. Uh.. ok.

If anyone is curious on what kind of classes I'm currently taking, here is a list.

* Shakespeare Early Plays class
* Why History Matters class
* American Fiction 1900-1950 class
* Western Literature class
* Overview of Computer Science class

........ I love making myself suffer. :')

I'm an English major, so I'm taking English classes.

(yeah, this fool (me) is that. ok, ok, ok.)

I have a ton of reading to do this semester. (yeet!)

................. oh.

I changed my mind. I'll add that other stuff I want to talk about in another post.

That stuff has nothing to do with school! (ha ha ha. ha!)

Expect more posts soon. Very soon.

Ok yeah whatever. Bye.

~ Shan

New Skit: Preview 2

I changed my mind. I have an idea for a new skit part. Well, this is technically another preview part before the official skit story begins. I want it to be a shocker. 

These preview parts are also supposed to seem confusing at first. Like, what is going on? It’s a mystery. 

It’ll make sense later.

Anyway, they’re so dramatic. 

———————————

[Content Warning: strong language, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, discussion of mental health/disorders, trauma, abandonment, dissociation, self harm, suicide] 

~*~*~*~

[Date: Early July 2019. Time: Late at night, most likely 3 am. Location: Outside, on the balcony of the house where most skit stories took place.]

Duke: What is the point? 

Fierdan: *sighs* There is none. 

Duke: *rolls eyes, holds out glass* Then be a good boy and pour me another one. 

Fierdan: *breathes in and out slowly* Fuck. *refills his glass first* 

Duke: *clinks his glass with Fierdan’s* 

Fierdan: *faces Duke* Who said I’m a good boy? We’re not good boys. 

Duke: *starts to get frustrated* Fill it up, asshole. 

Fierdan: *refills Duke’s glass* I’m a lost cause. We are a lost cause. 

Duke: Let’s toast to that. The Help ended up not helping us. What a scam. 

[They clink glasses and drink the vodka in their glasses. They finish their glasses quickly and put them down after swallowing the last drops of vodka. Fierdan looks away from the house and into the distance. Duke joins Fierdan, and they stare out at the vast empty field. Above is a pitch black sky. Duke doesn’t know why Fierdan is staring at nothing, so he puts his hand in one of his jeans pockets. His fingers touch the edge of a hand-sized pocket. He sighs and takes out of one the contents in the box, his hand still in his pocket.] 

Fierdan: *not facing Duke* Give me one. 

Duke: *not facing Fierdan* Give you what? 

Fierdan: Don’t play dumb with me. Hand one over. 

Duke: *ignores Fierdan, takes his hand out of the pocket, places one of the box’s contents up to his lips at one end* 

Fierdan: Give me a cig. 

Duke: Why? 

Fierdan: I want to feel more like shit. Maybe nicotine can help me escape this fucking emptiness. This hollow feeling is excruciating. 

Duke: Fine, fine. Hold on a sec. *rubs his fingertips (thumb and index finger) together until a small orange flame forms between them, lights his cigarette with the fire, puts the cigarette in his mouth, sticks his other hand in the pocket and pulls out another cigarette which he hands to Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *nods, lights his cigarette the same way Duke lit his, sticks it in his mouth* 

~*~*~*~ 

[Date: Middle of June 2019. Time: Late morning. Location: A room in the Help therapy office. The Help person gives Fierdan a sorrowful look. Of course he tries not to show it; his face is neutral, but Fierdan can see the sorrow, the pity in the other man’s eyes. Fierdan frowns back at him, unimpressed. The past few months of therapy sessions have been the same. Nothing changed much. He convinced Duke to also go to therapy, and for what? For this? What was the point of all this... this bullshit? No older adult gave a damn about their quality of life. Not his, not Duke’s. All of this was pointless. You can try so many times, but there comes a time when you just give up.]

Help Person: Fierdan...

[The man speaks slowly. Every few words feel like a pause. A deliberate pause. What does he have to tell Fierdan this time?] 

Help Person: It was a pleasure counseling you these past several months. I have gotten to know you well, and I hope you can say the same about me. Our relationship of course is client-therapist and nothing more, but a case like yours is nothing like I’ve ever seen. I think about you a lot, but...

Fierdan: *interrupts* What about Duke? 

Help Person: *finishes his sentence* ... I feel like I’m not helping you sufficiently. 

Fierdan: Duke? 

Help Person: Oh, Duke’s case is also... something I’m not trained enough to handle. I’m sorry, Fierdan, but I can’t help you or Duke anymore. You both should know how our sessions have been going nowhere. 

Fierdan: *brings more emotions into his voice* What do you mean? Are you giving up on us? 

Help Person: “Giving up” is a harsh way to put it, but yes, that’s technically right. I’m giving up on the two of you. The next and only step left for me to do is to refer you to a specialist that’s more trained in dealing with severe trauma. 

Fierdan: What have you been doing all this time? Not helping me with my trauma? Not helping Duke with his? We’ve tried your suggestions, but it’s not working. 

Help Person: I know. *takes a deep breath* And from what you told me about your siblings, I highly recommend they join you when meeting with a more highly trained trauma specialist. Especially your sister. 

Fierdan: *looks skeptical* You mean Dawn? 

Help Person: From all the details you have given me in her, I suspect she may have a dissociative disorder. *pauses* Dissociative disorders are a result of trauma. *clears throat* Severe, repeated trauma that began in childhood. 

Fierdan: Dissociative disorder? Which means what exactly? 

Help Person: Since she isn’t my client, I can not say for sure. I’m not qualified to treat people with dissociation. 

Fierdan: Dissociation. I haven’t seen Dawn dissociate. *sighs* Well, not that I can remember at least.

Help Person: Sometimes, someone dissociating doesn’t look as obvious from an outsider’s perspective. Besides, I’m focusing more on the information you told me about her childhood with you and your brother, and of course your father. 

Fierdan: *glares at the other man in the room, clenches jaw at the mention of his father* 

Help Person: *sighs* It’s not my place to discuss this any further. I’m still here to talk about you, by the way. 

Fierdan: Me? What else is there to say? 

Help Person: I’ve tried to keep your case as confidential as possible, but I also asked for advice from my colleagues. I only asked vague questions and didn’t name names. 

Fierdan: So? What is it? Spit it out. 

Help Person: *takes a deep breath* We’re not that sure if we’re treating the correct disorders and symptoms. 

Fierdan: What does that mean? I’m traumatized, and I’m depressed. What else is it? 

Help Person: There can be more than just that. Heck, I don’t know if I’m helping you and Duke because... Are we even going after the root of the problem? 

Fierdan: What’s the root then, doc? 

Help Person: I don’t know. 

Fierdan: *laughs* You don’t know? What the hell am I still doing here then? You are pathetic! 

Help Person: That’s why I’m willing to refer you to a specialist. 

Fierdan: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Can you give me something to work with? You expect me to nod and be totally fine with you giving up on me and hand me over to another guy? 

Help Person: That’s not exactly how it works. 

Fierdan: *is clearly getting angrier by the minute* Do you really think I give a shit? *yells* You’re just like any other adult older than me! You take advantage of me and then abandon me! 

Help Person: I’m not taking advantage... 

Fierdan: *cuts him off* Yes, you are! You fucking are! 

Help Person: Look at me, Daniel. 

Fierdan: *lowers his head, somehow appears much smaller in the chair, speaks somewhat like a child* Why... Why do you want to abandon me? What did I do wrong? *raises head, no longer looks defiant* Tell me, please. Tell me what I did wrong. Why am I not good enough? Why do you have to leave me too? 

Help Person: *doesn't change his tone* Abandonment issues. *scratches chin* But not everything is adding up. Maybe I’m missing some signs. Maybe we both are. 

Fierdan: *still talking like a child* Don’t... leave me... alone. 

Help Person: Fierdan! 

Fierdan: *rubs his eyes, sits up taller in the chair, the child voice is gone* Fuck. Don’t do that shit on me! 

Help Person: Do you also dissociate, Fierdan? Do you sometimes find yourself being a young child? 

Fierdan: *still feels distorted* I... I... What? Abandoning me, too? 

Help Person: Abandonment issues. 

Fierdan: Stop it! 

Help Person: *ignores Fierdan* If I combine Duke into the equation, then there would also be... Self harm behavior, suicide attempts, strong emotions, their lines of thinking... It’s a far fetch, but what if it’s that? What if? 

Fierdan: What are you talking about? 

Help Person: Don’t take my word for it, but I feel like there’s a small, small possibility that you might. That you might. 

Fierdan: Spit it out already! 

Help Person: *stares intently at Fierdan* Since Duke is a part of you, if you two integrate, it will be easier to tell. As for now, I still can find signs of it in you alone. Heck, there’s probably a lot that I’m not taking into account. 

Fierdan: Signs? What signs? 

Help Person: *takes a deep breath* Fierdan, you show signs of having a personality disorder. It and Complex- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder have similarities. *sighs* There is a chance that you also have Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Fierdan: Borderline... 

Help Person: Yes. To make it slightly easier for all of us, professionals and you and Duke, you two will have to integrate. 

Fierdan: Integrate? What the hell is that? 

Help Person: *gives Fierdan a sad smile* In simple terms, to integrate in this context means to have one body and two souls and sets of memories. 

Fierdan: I have to say goodbye to Duke? Forever? 

Help Person: Well, Duke will become a part of you, so he won’t really be gone. But his body will disappear, and his soul will combine with yours. You two will finally become one. 

Fierdan: We don’t want that! 

Help Person: I understand, but...

Fierdan: Do I even have a choice? Does he have any choice? 

Help Person: Well...

Fierdan: I already know the answer is no. 

Help Person: *sighs* Please think it through.

Fierdan: *is at a loss of words, reluctantly nods* 

Help Person: Integrating can help the both of you more than fighting your battles alone. 

Fierdan: Who says we’re alone? 

Help Person: I meant it as being two separate individuals. 

Fierdan: Integration, huh? 

Help Person: Think about it with Duke. That’s it for this session. Goodbye, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: *stands up, walks toward the door in a daze* Okay. Goodbye. 

~*~*~*~ 

[That same July night. Duke and Fierdan now stand, barefoot, on the grass in the backyard. They both wear T-shirts and shorts. A cool breeze passes by, making them shiver for a moment. The alcohol, however, keeps them warm during the rather chilly summer night. Red cheeks, red eyes. Drowning glass after glass of vodka. Yet they remain standing, unwavering. They face each other, staring into each other’s tainted soul.] 

Duke: Are you ready? 

Fierdan: Ready as I’ll ever be. 

Duke: And you understand you won’t be able to see my body anymore? 

Fierdan: Yes, I know. 

Duke: I’m going to miss you a lot, Fierdan. You know that, right? 

Fierdan: Of course I do. 

Duke: I’m going to miss everyone else, too. We were like a team. No, a family. 

Fierdan: I know, I know. 

Duke: And you’re okay with this? 

Fierdan: Yes. Are you? 

Duke: I’m ready as I’ll ever be. 

Fierdan: Okay, then let’s integrate. On the count of three... 

Duke: Thanks for giving me quite the life. You’re someone special. 

Fierdan: Three. 

Duke: Three. 

Fierdan: Two.

Duke: Thank you. 

Fierdan: One. 

Duke: Good-

Fierdan: Goodbye. 

————————————

To Be Continued. 

God Killer Fierdan! Episode Story AU (1)

Hi, I'm back. I should make several posts today because I go back to college tomorrow. College.. eww.

Anyway, remember how I was talking about an Episode story? Well, I'm going to start talking about it now.

I tried to make the titles of these posts as simple as possible. I did not create this story. I don't know how to make stories on the app.

*cough* Cutepups is an untalented loser. :( *cough*

What's Episode, you ask? It's this interactive story app. You might have heard of it from the weird ads it has on social media. Is that still a thing? I don't know.

Anyway, here's a link to the website. I can't link to the specific story I'll be rambling on about. That's tragic. Oh well, deal with it. Take my word. This story is real and valid.

......... uh, what—

The link: https://www.episodeinteractive.com

Oh good, now that we have that out of the way...

Onto the Episode story! :D ;)

Oh yeah. AU stands for Alternate Universe. Because.. well, I don't have to explain it, do I?

I made the main character I play as be named Fierdan. I made the character look like Fierdan. I tried my best. It's not in my own story universe; therefore, it is in another.

This story lets you create a male or female main character. I also made a female Fierdan version, but I'll only discuss the regular Episode Fierdan for now.

Oh shoot, that's right. The title of the story is "H & V: Bad to the Bone" by Lee Funk (@/LeeFunkTheAuthor). So yeah, credits to that person. Good story.

I'm also happy because creating a Fierdan Episode character kinda helped me visualize his appearance. Well, after he cut his messy, long Cincernum hair at least.

Creating a Fierdan character in an Episode story worked surprisingly well. I did not expect it to work as well as it did.

Since this is starting to look boring with all this text, I'll include the first screenshot I made of the story with no explanation. You're welcome. :)

Fierdan: *in deep thought, is wearing glasses (which he doesn't wear in canon until several years later) and cat ears because his taste in fashion is god-like (lmao)* Kids? A relationship? Adopting twelve cats? Adopting twelve dogs?

Here, Fierdan is questioning what he is going to do with his life. Future goals, who? He is at a total loss. Wow, that's relatable. 

I guess I should explain some stuff. Yeah, I'll do that.

The main character (Fierdan) is a god. He is like an edgy rebel teenage son.. except he's in his 20's. He is the child of two gods (a fire goddess and a weapon god? lol that's wack), and that's supposed to be something rare. Fierdan also has a sister (Dawn).. except she's greedy for the throne. Both siblings are evil because of course Fierdan is evil. That's how he is.

Well, Fierdan isn't all that evil. He kills and injures a lot of characters though. So yeah, he's still a killer. Uh, read the title. Fierdan is a god killer. His main goal in life (which he planned for in his room for 15 years, apparently) is to kill the gods. Yes, the gods are his family. Does he care? Of course not. Fierdan is a killer. That's been canon ever since his existence. Seriously.

Like the majority of the gods, Fierdan lived in the gods world.. until recently. He falls down to the world (which isn't Earth) and immediately goes searching for his human crew of misfits. I did not design the other characters; I only designed Fierdan and Dawn. If I didn't change their designs, my Fierdan character would look nothing like my Fierdan. That would not make sense.

I don't recall Fierdan ever meeting a cat or dog in the story, but he wants twelve of them each. That makes perfect sense! He's so relatable! XD

Adopt your 12 cats and 12 dogs, my man! Live your dreams! :U

And yes, Fierdan does have a reason he wants him (and his crew) to kill the gods. They're like evil, dude. Actually, it's because the gods are helping Soulless to destroy not-Earth human world.

Oh, did I say Soulless? I meant to say Ash Beast. The character is called Ash Beast, not Soulless. My mistake.

By the way, Fierdan bonds with his human team. At first, a lot of other characters (humans and gods alike) call Fierdan a "psycho" or "psychopath" which is pretty damn similar to what other characters call Fierdan before they really get to know him. But Fierdan eventually makes friends. I'm proud of my fiery disaster boy!

Zion is one of these humans. Fierdan and Zion have quite a relationship. They've been through a lot.

*cough, cough, cough*

Oh no, I have to go now! Expect more pictures in the next post!

hey ok

hey ok 

so uh 

here’s some stuff 

Sunshine is doing better now. She’s eating food again. So... yeah. 

I go back to college on Sunday. Classes start on Monday. *sighs* 

I’m not that thrilled about college, if you couldn’t tell already. 

I went back to the eye doctor a few days ago. I was able to put contacts in and out of my eyes this time, but one of the contacts got a tear in it. So, yet again, I have no contacts on me. Yet. 

...... yet, yet, yet...

I have some screenshots from a story I played (read?) on this app called Episode that I would like to share on here. If I can. I just... yeah. 

*cough* Fierdan. *cough, cough* 

............. *sigh* 

I haven’t really thought this new skit story thing through. I’m already stuck on how to continue it. I only have the smallest idea on how to continue it. But after that? Eh. I got nothing. 

Anyway, I got nothing. 

Bye now. 

New Type of Skit: Preview

I’m trying out some new things for this skit story. You’ll see what I mean shortly. 

This technically isn’t part 1. It’s more like a preview kind of thing. 

They’re back! Oh heck. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Content Warning: strong language]

~*~*~*~

[Date: January 2020. Location: Can’t be revealed.] 

Twinkle: So, uh, does anyone know if he’ll wake up? 

Ryen: He will wake up soon enough. Give him time.

Twinkle: It’s been ages. We’ve been waiting since July. Are you hiding information?

Ryen: *looks like he’s about to speak, ends up only clearing his throat*

Twinkle: Well? 

Ryen: *takes a deep breath, then says* No. I.. I really don’t know why he’s not waking up. 

Dawn: Why are you all saying “he” when we all know we’re referring to two people? 

Twinkle: Maybe because there’s only one comatose body in that room. 

Dawn: None of this is adding up. They both have been missing since July. It’s January now. 

Twinkle: They missed celebrating their birthday with us, for crying out loud. There’s one in a months-long coma, and who the hell knows where the other one is.

Ryen: *avoids making eye contact with the others* Maybe he really died this time. Except if someone else has a better explanation.

J___: *raises voice, sounds offended* Shut up, Ryen! You always have to be so negative. 

Ryen: Oh, do you have any better explanation? It’s been months. 

J___: What is this? Do you think I don’t know that already? 

Dawn: How about someone checks to see if the body is dead. I volunteer to go. 

J___: He’s not dead! He can’t be dead now. 

Ryen: And why is that? Because you finally decided to show up? 

J___: *glares at Ryen* Don’t make me give you a headache. 

Twinkle: *sighs* Things have been so different ever since Brock, Sparkle, and Finny moved to their own places. Well, at least we got J___ now. It’s not the same though. 

Dawn: Of course it’s not. They didn’t have any powers or special abilities. J___ does. *sighs* I do miss those three quite a lot, I have to admit. 

J___: Stop changing the subject! Does anyone know how to wake him up? 

Ryen: You can’t wake up a person from a coma, and you can’t wake up a corpse. 

J___: For fuck’s sake, shut your damn mouth. I’ll find a way to wake him up if it’s the last thing I do. 

Ryen: For someone who isn’t the youngest, you sure are acting the most childish. I suggest you go play video games since you like doing that so much.

J___: *rolls eyes* Play video games? Are you serious? 

Ryen: *stares at J___* 

J___: I’m not a child! You’re a heartless bastard, Ryen. First, you think I care about video games more than him. Second, do I have to remind you that you’re his goddamn brother? 

Dawn: *bites lip* 

Twinkle: Your argument is pointless and isn’t helping anyone. We all cared about them. And I mean them. Both of them. 

Ryen: Of course I know he’s my brother. Now go. 

J___: *stares at Ryen* No. 

Ryen: Go!

J___: I’m not going anywhere. *looks at the others as well* He’s my boyfriend. 

Ryen: And I’m his brother. Now go!

J___: Well, you’re a shitty brother. 

Ryen: You think your connection to him is so special, but it’s not. You’re not special, J___.

J___: Oh, you want to fight? Let’s go, Ryen. *raises fists*

Dawn: Guys, please. 

J___: *slams hands down on table* None of you will ever understand. 

Twinkle: Oh yeah? Try me. Try Dawn who spent the most amount of time with Fierdan. *sighs* You’re arguing over him, and you’re refusing to even say his name. That goes for the rest of you.

J___: I might not have known *pauses* them the longest, but our relationship is special and not something you all can relate to. You haven’t seen Fierdan in the ways I’ve seen him. You haven’t seen Duke turn into... *loses his words* You weren’t there, seeing how Duke looked at Taurel. You didn’t see him. You didn’t have to be the one to convince him to not be a cannibal. You didn’t succeed in doing that. So all of you, shut the hell up. 

Ryen: *sighs* I forgot you were there when Duke was like that. 

J___: Out of all of us, you were the only one who didn’t see Duke in that state. *grins* Think before you speak, Ryen. 

Ryen: *rolls eyes*

J___: Girls, come with me. It’s time to wake up Fierdan. 

Ryen: Wait. There’s a chance he won’t be the same person we once knew. We can see Fierdan’s body, but Duke’s is nowhere to be found. Maybe he died in the same way when he was partially Soulless. Duke might not have a body. And.. and... 

Twinkle: What? And what? 

Ryen: Their souls might really be together this time around. The Fierdan that will wake up might be the integrated version of them. 

Twinkle: What does that mean? 

Dawn: One body; two souls, two sets of memories. 

Ryen: *nods solemnly* 

J___: *sighs* You know what? Fine. Ryen, you can join us if you won’t be a pain in the ass. 

Ryen: *rolls eyes* And how are you going to wake him up? It better not be futile. 

Twinkle: Well, let’s hope not. 

J___: Oh, I’ll succeed in bringing him back to me if it’s the last thing I do. Want to know why? *stares intensely at everyone* Because I’m his boyfriend, and I love him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued in Preview 2. 

November 9: Abecedarian Poem

I forgot I also have this poem from the November poetry challenge. 

It’s supposed to be my first attempt at an abecedarian poem. That means each line starts with a letter that’s in alphabetical order. 

Like this: 

Alpacas 

Bongos 

Chameleons

Disasters 

Elephants 

Fierdan

(etc., etc. for every letter of the alphabet) 

Haha, I’m being silly. :3

Anyway, this is the actual poem. For real. Yes. 

———————————

Arriving at your house,

Bees fly in your front yard.

Came all this way to see you that

Dread is buried in my stomach, but

Excitement runs in my veins.

Fear is shoved away.

Gosh, so many emotions!

Happily, I ring your doorbell.

I tap my foot while waiting for you.

Judgmental thoughts invade my mind; I successfully

Kick them out as you open the door.

Luckily, you don't notice.

Marching into your house,

Never avoiding my chance to make you laugh.

On our way through the kitchen,

Pepper is picked up by my nose, and I

Question why it smells so strong.

Roast beef sandwich on the table reminds me that I'm

Starving, which triggers my stomach to rumble.

Talking words I can't seem to

Understand and comprehend.

Visiting you is the best part of the

Week for me.

X out these annoying pop-ups on the computer screen of my mind.

You ask me again, "Would you like to have something to eat?"

Zipped lips, I nod my head.

——————————

It’s silly. :D 

Ooh la la. Look at this font. So fancy. 

I had such a weird and disturbing dream. And no, Fierdan wasn’t in it this time.

Dang, that’s tragic. :( 

hhhhhhh hECK 

ok ok OK 

bye for now...

~ Shan 

Dreaming of Danger, Black Eyes, and Black Dresses

Hi, I’m here to discuss my most recent dream that I can still recall. I had it very early this morning. 

It’s interesting. And it kinda-sorta-maybe is a good transition into the topic of my next few posts. 

What’s the topic? Well, here’s the thing... *whispers in your ear* I did not forget him. He will never be forgotten. 

*takes a deep breath* I haven’t been writing any posts about him (or any of them, really) for what feels like months. Months! Can you believe it? It’s been months! 

I thought I lost the spark. I thought I had lost interest. I barely mentioned them lately. I even stopped thinking of him for entire days. I stopped daydreaming about him. 

And yes, I’m that obsessed with him. Is anyone new here? Welcome! Here’s the thing, folks. 

He’s back. Oh, he is back. 

I have some inspiration again. And it’s thanks to this app called Episode and this particular story I found on it. It’s my favorite story on the app by far. 

It fits so well. Sometimes I think it’s reading my mind. The similarities are shocking. Of course not everything is the same (it’s far from it), but it gave me inspiration. It made me think of him again. 

Sure, I decided to name the main character of the story after him. But I had no idea it would match him so well. 

Ah, screw it. I’m tired of being vague. I’m talking about him. I’m talking about Fierdan. 

Fierdan...~~ 

——————————

The Dream:

I don’t remember much from the beginning of it because I think it was boring. My hair looked longer in my dream than how it looks now. I looked feminine. My face, my body.. my voice. So, obviously, girly. 

My life was boring. I was at a college. No, not the one I really go to. Anyway, I was in a rush and forgot to bring my phone with me when I ran to my classes from what I assume must have been my dorm room. 

I don’t remember anything else from that part. After class, I joined my club for a meeting in a room in the student center. It was boring and we discussed something, which I forgot. 

Then I tried to get something to eat for lunch. Except for some reason I couldn’t..? Strange. 

I eventually stole food from the cafeteria, which made me feel guilty afterwards. 

Some time later, I’m back in my dorm. I’m alone in a dorm in my dreams this time. I’ve had a lot of dreams about dorms. What the heck. 

And then it’s the weekend. I guess? I’m never sure what day or time it is in my dreams. There’s no class. Yay. 

I meet my family (my parents and siblings) at this fancy-looking restaurant inside of a mall I don’t recall. The next thing I know is having dinner at the restaurant with my family. 

I look at the menu. I see three things I could eat: wontons, ramen soup, or this special sandwich. 

My mom is at the opposite end of the table. She orders the special sandwich. The waitress explains what is in the special sandwich. I was expecting it to be barbecue chicken or teriyaki chicken, but it was neither. The special sandwich was actually something gross. I couldn’t eat that! No way! 

I was the second to last to order. I wanted to order the sandwich too, but now I didn’t want it, so I was stuck on what to order. I first went with the ramen. The waitress told me they ran out of that. I then told her I wanted the wontons. She told me they also ran out of that. I was frustrated. I gave up and told her I was still deciding on what to get. Then my sister ordered her food. 

I don’t remember any transition. The next thing I know is I stormed out of the restaurant. I might’ve yelled some swear words at my family. Or maybe it was just my dad. I don’t know, haha. 

I go to my house. I unlock the door.. and break it. I wreck a lot of things. No, this isn’t my real house. It was a different looking house, plus my pets weren’t there. 

Something in me changed. I go upstairs, and my mind gets foggy. I black out. 

Some time passes, and my consciousness slowly returns. I feel like I’m in a haze. 

(Am I using past or present tense? I don’t know anymore.) 

I’m not in control of my body anymore. It’s moving, but I don’t know where. It’s talking, but it’s not with my voice. I never heard this voice before. 

It’s a much lower pitched voice than mine. It’s a gorgeous voice. It sounds smooth yet sharp; soft but hostile. It has to be a male’s voice. A man is talking through my body. I’m being possessed. I just let it happen. 

Eventually, I have control of my body again. I see myself standing in front of a bathroom mirror. It’s just me and the mirror. And then I notice it. However, it’s with my right eye. 

The iris of my left eye didn’t change. It’s still the same shade of brown. I can’t say the same for my right eye. The iris of my right eye is black. Even though it’s now black, the iris can still be distinguished from the pupil. I don’t know how else to explain it. My eye didn’t hurt. It was just black now. Oh, you thought I was going to say I got hit in the eye and got a black eye that way? Haha, nope. 

Then I noticed the intricate pattern surrounding my right eye. I stared at my reflection in the mirror in awe. The pattern was beautiful and terrifying. I don’t know why it was scary; it just was. It’s hard to describe what it looked like, but I’ll try. It looked like someone used black ink to draw a pattern around my eye. It looked beautiful. 

Three curved lines over my eye, between my upper eyelid and eyebrow. All those lines ended in big dots, kind of like these • things. Slightly below my lower eyelid, three equally curved lines going in the opposite direction as the three on top. The bottom three lines ended in arrows, kind of like <— but they looked beautiful. Everything about the design was beautiful, but there was something else to it. To the right side of my eye was an intricate web-like design. Like a spider web. It covered the majority of the upper right side of my face. Well, it went around my eye and lower forehead at least. 

My mind went foggy again, but I didn’t fully black out. I grinned, to my surprise. I wasn’t controlling my actions. He was. I think he complimented my appearance or something. His voice made me want to shiver or melt. That’s what his voice does to people when he wants to be intimidating. He sounded satisfied but hostile at the same time. 

Something in me changed. I felt stronger. I felt powerful. And I felt.. angry. So, so very angry. It was as if part of his anger mixed into my own mixing pot of emotions. Why did I feel so angry? I felt angry at the world. I wanted to do violent things. I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to tear everything apart. I wanted to kill everything I could find in this forsaken house. 

I don’t know when I made the association. Maybe it was when I first saw my new-looking eye. Maybe it was when I heard his voice again. Or maybe it was when I could easily break furniture and the stairs. 

The voice never told me his name. Yet my mind came up with a name for him. I stared at my black eye and the design surrounding it. It could only be him. Fierdan. It was Fierdan. He took control of my body. He made me stronger, powerful, and he made me be furious at the unforgiving world. 

Mostly everything was broken in the house when my family came home after eating at that restaurant. I couldn’t feel Fierdan in my body or mind, but I knew he was still there. Maybe we merged together or something. I became a new person. 

I yelled swear words at my family. I attacked them with weapons I made out of the broken furniture. I was stronger than them. They were beneath me now. 

I don’t know what the aftermath of that was. The next thing I remember is it being a few days later. Ever since my family returned to the house, I had Fierdan’s voice. I was the one speaking but it was with his voice, not my own. 

Time passes. I’m back at college. I’m in my dorm. I rush out the door because I’m running late for a class. I have my phone and everything else I need with me this time.

I speak with my own voice again, but I feel confident and.. arrogant? My personality changed ever since Fierdan became a part of me. Not as a different person or character; we were part of each other now in the vessel of my body. 

Later that same afternoon or evening, I remember this party my club was having in one of the student center rooms. I look up to where that room is and see the club members (well, the girls) wearing short black dresses with short black sleeves. Oh no, I totally forgot about that! We all had to wear our black dresses! I didn’t bring mine with me. I was just wearing ordinary clothes: a white T-shirt or tank top and jeans. 

I checked my phone. I lost points for forgetting to wear my black dress. Since I don’t want to lose points, I meet my fellow club members at the party. I’m very late to the party, but none of them become that upset with me for being late or for not wearing the black dress. 

I don’t know if they notice my right eye. No one tells me. 

And that’s my dream. I hope I wrote it out to make it sound like a story. 

How exciting... 

The End 

Dear Anxiety: December 12 Poem

This is my poem for December 12th in that poetry challenge I mentioned. 12/12. 

I think I’ll go with it having this title. It fits. 

The prompt: personifying something and talking back to it. 

In my poetry class at college, I wrote a poem called “Anxiety” before I wrote this one. 

Unlike that poem I wrote for class, this one is more of a power poem. 

Power. 

Giving power back to you. 

You are strong. You are capable. You are powerful. 

I have so much more to say, but I’m making this post exclusively about my poetry. 

Since I’m copying and pasting my poems from my Notes app, I decided to change the font for the actual poem. It makes them stand out more. 

Without further ado, here’s the poem! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Anxiety 

Anxiety—

You cruel and greedy beast,

never satisfied, only wanting more and more.

You're so greedy that you took my life away from me.

You take the appearance of a caring friend,

a friend who only wants the best for me.

Then you stab me in the back and in my chest,

and you call it Love.

Deceptive, manipulative, distorting my reality,

I can't tell the truth from the irrational because of you.

You and your twin, Depression, are the worst abusers

that I've unfortunately gotten to know all too well.

You two took my life away for your own personal gain.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you and

I will defeat you.

At least I can trust Fear, unlike you,

who took advantage of us.

I thought we were friends, that I could trust you,

but you filled me with irrational fears

with no real reasons behind them.

Your pet, Dread, is a parasite who burrowed itself

in the bottom of my stomach.

You've ruined me.

You're the first villain in my story.

Anxiety, I'm breaking out of your chains,

and I'm finally breaking free from you.

List Poem + Exploring Season: December 11 Poem

On Habitica, I also wrote a few poems for a December poetry challenge. I will show that poem in this post. 

But first off.......

Unrelated updates! (... heck.)

I forgot to add that being under anesthesia is also a weird feeling because you can’t feel anything. You can’t feel pain. It’s just... nothing. Did I mention it feels weird? Because it does. 

Well, I hope that was rather obvious. Because it’s general anesthesia and all. 

*cough, cough* Ahem. So yeah. That happened. 

There’s also a chance I’ll make a post called “Please Don’t Take My Sunshine Away”... and no, it isn’t about where that line comes from. If I make that post, it’s going to be all about Sunshine. If you don’t know Sunshine, she is my dog. My 14 year old dog. 

Honestly, it’s been rather hectic these past couple of days. Sunshine hasn’t been feeling like her usual self. Luckily, she started feeling a little better than before a few hours ago. 

I want to take her to the vet, but I’m also sad and conflicted. My parents, especially my dad, refuse to take her to the vet. My siblings and I have tried convincing them to take Sunshine to the vet. 

It’s frustrating to say the least. 

Anyway, here is my poem. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winter:

the season of death,

the time of year when life is dead,

the haunted bride drags her long white gown along the path,

freezing anything and everything that comes in contact with her,

Persephone is with Hades in the Underworld,

short days, long nights,

outside is cold and dark,

warm jackets, gloves, hats, scarves,

sitting by the fireplace,

hot chocolate— perhaps with marshmallows and peppermint,

the holiday season,

house lights and streetlights shining the street,

pouring light into the dark,

yin & yang, optimism & pessimism at war,

and winter is both

the last and first season of the year.

Update 1: Oral Surgery

Hi. I haven’t made a post in a while. Again. 

I have a few updates that you guys may or may not be interested in knowing. 

The first one is what I’ll be mentioning in this post. 

Last Tuesday, I had oral surgery. I had all of my wisdom teeth removed and had part of my lip fixed. 

I’m almost done with my antibiotics. Taking them was a pain at first, but I eventually got used to it. 

I didn’t need the painkillers that much, which I’m thankful for. 

I had to go under general anesthesia. This was my first surgery, so I was scared about that at first. But it turned out fine. 

Being under anesthesia is.. it’s.. WEIRD. It’s such an odd feeling. You can’t remember and process the amount of time that passes. You don’t dream. One moment you’re awake; the next you’re passed out. I wake up with four of my teeth missing, gauze in my mouth, and a stitch or whatever it was on my inner lip. Damn, that was so weird. I’m glad the needle they stuck in my arm didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I had a mask and an IV. I think that’s what it’s called.

 So yeah. I’m alive. I survived it. 

I have so much I have to catch you guys up on. I feel like I’ve been abandoning this blog. 

Hopefully, I’ll return sooner than last time. 

Bye for now. 

~ Shan 

Untitled Poem: November Day 12

Continuing from the same challenge thing I mentioned in the last post. 

This is my poem for the 12th of November. 

. . . / . . . / . . . 

... I’m tired. 

———————————-

The dilemma of staying in the known

or venturing into the unknown. This comfort zone isn't actually comfortable,

but it's all I know. To stay or leave? To stay in the dumps

or rise up? Those are the real questions. Do I want to get better?

Or do I want to have Anxiety and Depression to accompany me

throughout my life? I'm indecisive, so indecisive, it sickens me.

The way I'm strapped into myself,

I can't escape.

I can't trust my mind.

Self-destructive tendencies.

What am I doing?

Why can't I stop?

Why can't I just get better

be okay

be normal? I'm told to simply

"Wake up and be a better person!"

It's a lot harder than that. I want to break out of these ties,

but I keep on getting pulled back.

Please believe me when I tell you

I tried.

Untitled Poem (as of now): November Day 2

Hi, so I have a bunch of poems I quickly wrote while participating in a poetry challenge on Habitica. 

All of them are untitled as of now. Coming up with titles is difficult, okay? 

So anyway, this is my poem for day 2 of November. 

True story! ;) 

*sighs* ~~

———————————

Driving to the store, she's in the passenger's seat.

I turn the dial–

the audio is blaring.

Feeling overwhelmed, feeling frustrated,

take me away from here.

Senses are in overload;

irritability returns to me and sits on my tongue.

Oh, would you please just—

Shut. Up.

Repetition, repetition, repetition.

She repeats herself over and over.

I get it! I heard you the first time!

"Shut up."

I don't think much of it; it's only a bad habit.

I want to break it,

but I say it on instinct.

Saying it feels natural;

my irritability phantom followed me for years.

I shove it away, but it returns each time.

She stops. I feel relieved.

She looks hurt. I hurt her.

Guilt joins irritability—

suffocate me.

This silence doesn't fit.

The music is louder than ever.

I drown in it.

———————————

That’s all for now. Take care of yourselves! <3 

~ Shan 

First Day of the Decade

Hi, it’s 2020 now. Oh wow. 

I don’t know what else to include in this post. Uh...... hmm............. 

Ideas for things to do in January- blogging addition: 

• Finish that drawing of J___ I first showed as a rough sketch in August. I think it was August..? That was a while ago, huh. 

• Draw Dani Soot. XD 

• Write more poetry and share it on here. 

• Share some poems I wrote a month (or few) ago on here since I feel like I’ve been neglecting this blog lately. 

• Do some basic exercises. Start another 30 day planking challenge. Maybe do some daily crunches..? Hmm. 

• Read more. Read books I’m not required to read for college. 

• Notice my self-talk more. Reframe negative thoughts into neutral or positive ones- more often and more easily. 

• Write at least one full blog post about J___ so you guys can actually know who he is. It would be cool to know things about him, I suppose. 

• Possible new skit story. Possibly? Maybe? (We’re begging you, Cutepups. Please.) 

Ok that’s all I can think of right now. Oh wait, they aren’t all blogging related. Oops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade! Happy 2020! 

That’s all for today, folks. 

~ Cutepups / Shan (/ who am i?)