Music for the Confessions Skit Arc

Hi, I’m back. I’m here to dump songs here. You’re welcome. ;)

This isn’t an actual skit post (I’ll post Confessions, part 9 soon), but it’s been on my mind for a while now. And what’s that exactly? Well, I’ve been listening to some songs when planning and writing all the skits in the Confessions skit arc. I’m just calling it that since it’s the way I see it. I associate these songs with the Confessions skits. 

I just have such an urge to share. I’ve been listening to these songs a lot over the past few months. I still do; they’re good songs. In my opinion, of course. 

These songs remind me of how my characters are in the Confessions skits. Some remind me of Fierdan, some for Jack, some for Dylan, some for Stella, some perhaps for another character, but most are for more than just one character. 

The order I’ll include the songs here also isn’t necessarily in order of the skit events I associate with the songs. So there’s no particular order or anything. 

Just chaos from me.. as always. :’) hahaha haaaaa aaaaaaaaa~ 

Music time, yippee! Explicit language in the lyrics of some of the songs. 

♪♪♪

————————————

LosT - Bring Me The Horizon

~*~*~

sTraNgeRs - Bring Me The Horizon

~*~*~

Bad Habits (feat. Bring Me The Horizon) - Ed Sheeran, Bring Me The Horizon 

This version. It has to be this one. 

~*~*~

Tribulation (feat. VERITE) - Matt Maeson, VERITE

~*~*~

Above The Salt - Portair, VERITE

~*~*~

Hunger - Of Monsters and Men

~*~*~

Tongues & Teeth - The Crane Wives

~*~*~

sex - EDEN

~*~*~

Rubik's Cube - Athlete

~*~*~

Sinner - Trevor Moran

~*~*~

Sober - Josh A, Neffex

~*~*~

Black Sheep - Crown The Empire

~*~*~

Paranoid - Crown The Empire

~*~*~

Superstar (feat. Remington Leith) - Crown The Empire, Remington Leith

~*~*~

Modified - Crown The Empire

~*~*~

Sick Thoughts - Lewis Blissett

~*~*~

Not A Love Song - bulow

~*~*~

Boyhood - The Japanese House

~*~*~

Salvation - Hollywood Undead

~*~*~

Evil - Hollywood Undead

~*~*~

If I Had a Heart - Fever Ray

~*~*~

<3 <3 <3

Ok so, that's the Confessions playlist. I'm gonna call it that now. 

Is there a theme? Possibly. ... Yes. >:)

Some of these are kind of like spoilers for the parts not out yet. They make me emotional. 

I am so normal! (lies)

~ Shan/Shyrah (me, it's me)

Gaming Youtuber + Chocolate Factory School Teacher Dream (and other things)

Hi, I have returned. :)

Last Wednesday sure was a day. Haha yeah, it sure was. Geez.

Classes were canceled. I felt sick that morning. I felt terrible. So much pain. 

Big oof. :(

Then I took a nap since I didn't get that much sleep that night. And my dream sure was interesting. 

This is what I still remember from that dream:

I had a popular Youtube channel which connected to my blog (yes, this one). I played games and sang songs on my channel. I remember playing Animal Jam in several of my videos, but it was like a cooler and more competitive game version. I also played other computer games, but I forgot which ones. I had lots of videos and subscribers (wow, Cutepups is so successful and popular in their dreams XD).

About the songs, I also sang songs on this Youtube channel. In the dream, I rewatched a bunch of my own videos, and wow, I really liked my voice. It made me happy. It wasn't high-pitched and squeaky. I remember my voice sounding androgynous, maybe even masculine. And it pleased me. I liked that. My gender was ambiguous because of my voice. Gosh, if only that could also happen in real life.

When all of this was happening, I also dreamed that I worked at a chocolate factory in this chocolate universe. So while I was working there, I looked back at my old Youtube channel from when I was 14-18. I don't know why I quit making videos. It kinda reminded me of when and how I quit making Animal Jam related posts lmao. I could also remember recording my Youtube videos on my bed at home, which I thought was funny since my room was so messy.

I was a school teacher in this chocolate factory/universe. Chocolate school teacher, hehe. ;P

I forgot the rest. I don't remember the other details. Oh darn. 

Now for other topics! 💫

♦♦♦

It's the end of the day. But whatever. It still counts. 

Only my time zone matters, of course. (just kidding lmao)

It's April 3rd. </3

If Sunshine (my dog) was somehow still alive, today would have been her 16th birthday. Her sweet sixteen. 

It made me a bit emotional earlier. :'(

I still miss her so much. 

♦♦♦

I'm out here thinking about these campus cats. I love them. :')

Lots of them remind me of Thelma. Small tuxedo cats. Must be Thelma's long-lost twins, huh.

Look at them. They're so cute!

The cat in the first picture kept following me. To be fair, I also followed it. I was able to pet the cat in the second picture. Such a nice kitty cat. :3

And the last two pictures are of a cat family meeting. The tuxedo cats and black cats are having a meeting. I saw cats and kittens there. I saw at least eight cats that day (I saw the tabby on the same day). 

(We get it. You love cats.)

Of course I do! 

♦♦♦

I've been thinking about my lightning golden boy lately. 

Ardere. I mean that kid. Lightning boy. 

This boy.

Why was I thinking about him? Ha! Like I would reveal my secrets. >:)

(You've revealed so many of your secrets on here, Cutepups.)

Just... shh. Shh. Hush now. 

He has golden eyes. Gold irises. I love my handsome, wholesome boy. :)

I'm thinking about what happens to him, what becomes of him. So many possibilities. 

I'm emotional over my ideas. Damn.

Would it be funny if Duke and Fierdan only assumed [redacted] happened, but it actually didn't? Would I provide further context? Of course not!

Duke/Fierdan. Ah geez, these fools will be the death of me. 

It's just a saying! Ahhhhh—

♦♦♦

Have some songs. Why not. 

I've been playing some of these songs on repeat a lot. >;)

🎵🎵🎵🎵

Lovely~ Lauren Babic and Seraphim (cover)

Nowhere To Run~ Stegosaurus Rex (slowed down)

Brave New World~ Kalandra

Same Old Song~ The Jon Hill Project and Tilian

I See You~ MISSIO

Control~ Zoe Wees

♥♥♥

C. + C. — Picrew + Music

Hi, I'm back with another idea for a post I had since December. 

Better late than never, right? Haha...

Anyway, this post is about C. and Calliah. I designed them on a Picrew, and I found this song that reminds me of them, especially Calliah.

Oh and I guess I also wanted to make this post to clarify that they aren't the same person. C. and Calliah are two different characters. C. is the mother of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn. She is dead from the very start of the story. Calliah is Duke's mother. She isn't dead; she stays alive. 

Huh? Yes.

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

Yeah, I mentioned this one before. I really like it, okay.

Anyway...

The first picture is of C. and the second one is of Calliah. 

There they are. My lovely problematic women. <3 

C. has lighter skin than Calliah, as you can all probably see. 

Hair covering nearly half of C.'s face really.. well, I think it just fits her. Her mysteriousness, her obscurity. Except she isn't insignificant. No, not at all. Purple is also her color. 

Calliah looks more threatening because she is. (Hello? She's Duke's mother. The first one to.. hurt him. *cough, cough, cough*). The spiderweb background reminds me of her for some reason. As for the knife.. well.. she knows how to use weapons, such as knives and guns. She's also a murderer since she stabbed her husband (ex-husband?).

Also, their eyes aren't as blue as they appear in these pictures. They have gray eyes. Yeah, just felt like pointing that out. 

Like I said, C. and Calliah are different women, but they have similarities and parallels. 

I'm too lazy to get in-depth on all that though. Haha...

Kinda like how there's a connection between Stella's sister and being an angel, there's a connection between C. and Calliah being witches and devils. Yes, I mean both. And if we're just talking about C., then goddess as well. Are they actually angels, devils, witches, and gods? Well.. probably not. It's just the symbolism and how I imagine them. 

Heh, heh, heh... >;)

What else, what else..? Oh yeah. C. is supposed to look extremely beautiful. She's like a goddess. A witch. A devil. She died, so she can't be immortal, but something about her just screams.. unnatural, not human. 

Even though C. wasn't an abuser and murderer (or murderer by proxy) like Calliah and Z. were, she still wasn't a good person. She was a good parent to Dawn and to Ryen when he was very young, but to Fierdan? Definitely not. C. abandoned Fierdan when he was one and left him and Ryen to be raised by Z. who was pretty much the complete opposite of a decent parental figure. 

So yeah. Just like how Calliah is cruel, so was C. 

And now it's music time. :)

Devil Devil ~ MILCK

Back in December and earlier this month, I played this song on repeat all the time. It reminds me of C. and Calliah so much. Especially Calliah, omg. 

Calliah is such an interesting character, and I can't exactly hate her. I just can't. 

However, I can't let Duke forgive her. I can't do that. 

And here are the lyrics that remind me of the two C.'s: "do not try me, devil devil. cannot buy me, devil devil. you won't make a fool of me, oh no. what makes you so special special to think i would ever settle for that devious dance between you and me? ... rebel rebel, call me rebel rebel. i walk the plank, not a tear in my eye. ... under the water i'll be sharpening my knife. ... you take the shape of everything i'm drawn to. ... but your eyes are dead and red, red as rust...."

... I might be able to imagine them walking a plank. Z. hunting C. Duke's father, Taurel, Risak, Duke, and Fierdan hunting Calliah. All of them blocking C. and Calliah's way out, so they're forced to walk the plank. And they're all on a ship in the middle of the ocean. And Calliah snuck in a knife with her. And then C. and Calliah see the dead faces of the fathers of their sons way below the water's surface. Oh wait, maybe Fierdan is hunting both C.'s. Especially integrated Fierdan since he's connected to both mothers. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on them in relation to this song. 

Devil Devil ~*~*~

♥♥♥ ♦♦♦

Seductive Singer Fierdan

 Hi. I spent the last few hours drawing a picture of Fierdan from that I dream I mentioned in the previous post. I started and finished a drawing, with coloring and a background, all in one day. 

Wow, look at me go. I impressed myself. :D

I had the urge to draw Fierdan in the specific outfit I had in mind. I just had to. 

heh heh heh heheheheheheheh ;)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Yes. I imagined him wearing...:

Fishnet leggings. Short black shorts (what are they called, booty shorts? lol). I don't completely remember what he wore for his top, so I improvised 😏. I forgot if he wore a nearly see through T-shirt or crop top.. or a fishnet shirt. I decided to draw a fishnet shirt for him. What else? Oh yeah.. That. 😏

I have a thing again for imagining Fierdan wearing lingerie. I think he was wearing lingerie in my dream, but I forgot what it looked like. So I drew this lingerie top for him. At first, I tried drawing lace, but I quickly gave up on that, so now he's wearing... red straps? red leather straps? Do I know the words of things? Of course not. 

I also added a black spiked choker around his neck, and a red wristband that says "F*CK" around his right wrist. Why? Because.. it's a look. 

The outfit I gave Fierdan is a whole look. 

😏😈😳😈😏😳 ehehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also imagined him singing on a concert stage with light purple stage lights. 

And since he's Fierdan, I felt like adding small orange and black flames around him. Fierdan showing his fire while performing at a concert... come on, he would totally do that. Well, when he doesn't have to hide from the general public for having pyrokinesis. 

Plus, Fierdan was very seductive in that dream I had. In what he was singing and what he was wearing. 

Fierdan out here trying to be sexy. 😳 Sexy Fierdan. 😏

Fire is hot. Flames,,,,, sexy. 🔥🔥

~ idk what else to say, so... have this unnecessary blank space ~

The vibes...........

........ yes. 🔥🖤

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Music time. For the vibes... 😏

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"You’re quite deceiving. / Let’s make history. We have chemistry. I’ll knock you to the floor and make you wanting more. Your knees are shaking. Your body’s aching. / We don’t have much time. I’ll make you mine. / You’re a liar if you didn’t expect to play with fire. / By the end of the night, you’ll be begging for more."

Yes. Those are some lyrics that Fierdan/Duke sang in a dream I had this past summer. That song hits hard.  

And now, other songs. ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Same song from the previous post. Fierdan was singing a cover of it in my dream. So... *shrugs*)

Play With Fire~ Sam Tinnesz (feat. Yacht Money)

Sick Thoughts~ Lewis Blissett

cotton candy~ YUNGBLUD

Flames~ Tedy

I'm a Wanted Man~ Royal Deluxe

Unforgettable~ ONE OK ROCK

feelingdown~ Vaines

Welcome To The City~ YOHIO

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Fierdan is probably performing in a night club. He's probably also drunk. 

It's... it's the vibes. 😳😈

If you think he would sing at a concert in a night club wearing what I drew him in while sober, you're mistaken. (lmao)

Fierdan and Duke drink alcohol a lot. Fierdan. hhhhhhhhhh—

He's drunk. 

//and a kinky bastard//

😳 it's just the factsssss—

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And yes, I'm asexual. 👁👄👁

Thanks for dealing with me. Bye. 💫

~ Shan 

I had another Fierdan dream...

 Hi. I have the urge to write a post about a dream I had this morning. 

Damn, ok, brain. 😳

*pauses to laugh and collect my thoughts*

As you can tell from the title, I had a dream about Fierdan. I didn't have a dream about him in a while. I didn't expect myself to have in my dreams when I was getting my 5 to 6 hours of sleep I get on Monday mornings. 

The dream was so unexpected. I'm... idk what to even say. XD

Uh... 

I swear, too many of my posts make it look like I'm thirsting for him and no No NO. f uck_

Umm... 

aNYWAY—

(I was busy attending 2 of my 3 Monday classes, so now I have time to write a stupid blog post. I have a longer break before my last class.)

hhhhhfhhffghfhfhfhfghhfhfhfierdamn

(I'm not going to include the link to the design maker in this post since I already put the link in other posts.)

The Dream >;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Omg why do I have the urge to post this?? lmao)

I haven't listened to this song in a while, but it kept playing in my dream. Having the dream made me want to listen to the song, so I'm doing that. *plays song on repeat*

(idk how to write. sorry. i am trying.)

lmao ok so uhhhhh—

In my dream, Fierdan kept on calling himself both "Fierdan" and "Daniel". Even in the same sentence. I (Dream me?) thought it was odd but also satisfying how he used both names for himself. 

And the people listening and watching him got confused because they were like "What do we call him? Fierdan or Daniel? I don't know! Ahh!"

It was pretty funny. I know I'm making no sense. XD

Yes, take control of your name! 🔥🔥

I know that Fierdan is my creation and all that, but it's such a pleasant surprise hearing his voice in my dreams. Hearing him call himself "Daniel" with confidence. Gosh, that makes me emotional. 

I already made posts explaining his feelings on his birth name (which is Daniel). He has such a hatred, like a repulsion, of being referred to as Daniel. He disconnects himself from Daniel and becomes Danny and Fierdan. 

However. Years later (probably when he's in his mid-to-late 20's; to put it in perspective, Fierdan in stories 1 and 2 is either 22 or 23), he becomes far less of a.. well.. self-destructive impulsive man full of intense anger. He eventually reclaims Daniel again. And then, he refers to himself as Daniel in addition to Danny and Fierdan (depending on who he's around: Fierdan is like an edgy "fear me" nickname, and Danny and Daniel are names used for people he's closer/more comfortable with (basically all of my other protagonists)). 

Adding to that, there are lots of characters outside of the main characters I have talked about. They're all very close since they work together and are a team and all that. (I'm not proofreading this. lmao). Among them (Stella, Jack, Dawn, Ryen, Dylan, Elias), Fierdan can be more "himself" than around the people outside of the group. 

"Fierdan" is like a mask, a persona. It's not the "real" him. (I just call him Fierdan most often since that's easier.)

 Not having only bad memories tied to hearing "Daniel".. being able to reclaim the name for himself.. saying it with confidence..... the growth. Z not tainting his name anymore. Healing from his trauma which started from Z. It makes me emotional. Fire man df 🔥🖤

(Z (Fierdan's father) made Fierdan hate his birth name. Z tainted "Daniel" and made him disconnect himself from the name. Only years later (probably after years of psychotherapy), does Z finally have less power over him. Like yes ok, Fierdan killed Z, but Z still controlled Fierdan a ton. So when he finally is like "No, fuck that. Daniel is my name. It's mine." ... it's so satisfying. Fuck you, Z.)

(omg this is so off-topic from what i intended on writing about)

Know what's satisfying? Fierdan and Jack taking off their "masks" and revealing their "real" names. No clever nicknames. No more personas. Just their authentic selves. ("Fierdan" is a nickname; "Jack" is a nickname.)

Ahem. Anyway, back to my dream. (lmao)

So in my dream, Fierdan referred to himself as both "Fierdan" and "Daniel" which confused people watching and listening to him. And why were people doing that? Well, you see...

Fierdan was a singer, performing at a concert in my dream. I forgot the context for why he called himself by his names. He referred to himself in first-person too. I forgot the details. 

"Hey, it's Fierdan." "Hey, it's Daniel." ... idk what he said. Ugh, damn it. He also sounded like he was flirting. (??? idk what i'm even typing)

He looked pretty similar to this picture:

the hair,, the mouth,, what he's doing with his hands,,

He just had those vibes in my dream. XD

He was such a huge flirt in my dream too. I did not expect that.

And his singing was different from other dreams I had of him singing. The mood was completely different. There weren't depressing songs this time. In this dream, his songs were just.. well.. they were way more sexual than violent. 

Damn, ok, Fierdan. Go off. 😳

my mind: hhhhhfffhfgfhfgfhfgfhfghgfhfhfhhffh (gibberish)

😳😈😳😈😳😈

I forgot what he exactly sang. I only remember him singing a cover of this song. Yes, Fierdan singing a cover of it would mean it's a cover of a cover. 

I wasn't even thinking of this song. I don't know why I dreamed of Fierdan singing it. 

Fierdan's singing voice. Damn. 🔥🔥(his voice is fire ;D ok heheheh)

Me: dreams of Fierdan singing a cover of this song at his concert because he's apparently also a famous singer now (??)

The song:

MONSTER - Aruvn (cover of the vocaloid song by KIRA that GUMI sings)

*laughs at myself and my hell brain* 

Fierdan was very seductive at his concert too. And I.. I have no explanation for that.

 I swear, I do not control him. I mean, yeah, he's my character, but I do not control all of his actions. He's just doing his own thing. XD

Oh yeah. Instead of singing the line that goes "Ah, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and messed everything up." Fierdan, being extra, had to say "fuck" in everything he sang. So he sang it as "Ah *says it like a seductive sigh*, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and fucked everything up." and him singing it like that.. god fucking damn it. Why am I falling for a voice I can only hear in my dreams? What the heck, brain? Ahhhhhh— 

I want to hear it as "fucked up" now. Damn. I wish I could listen to Fierdan's version of the song again. It was such a good cover. 

I love Fierdan's (and Duke's) singing voice(s). hhhhhhhh

I also realized that Fierdan started the song by saying "Let me introduce myself" in a lower octave and slower than in the actual song (the video ^). His voice: sounding like he's threatening and flirting with people listening to him at the same time. The second time he said that line he somehow said it more seductively than the first time. 

And it was obvious that him saying the "Did ya?" and "Baby" parts at the beginning of the song sounded like him flirting. Like, boy, who are you flirting with? Your fans in general? 

hhhhhfhhfhffhhfhfffgffhffhfhfhfhfh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must go. I have to get ready for class. 

(I'm not proofreading this post. If only I find this post able to be comprehended, then so be it! I'm crazy!)

🗡🗡🗡

Enchanted Dance: Jack + Fierdan / Duke + Stella

 Hi. Time for another post. Yes. 

I found stuff that makes me want to impulsively create a post now. 

Hahahahahahah~ hi! ;D

I found this Picrew around 1 am. I just had to do it. 

hhhhhnnnggghfffhfhfgghghghh

*adds music so you all can Experience what I do*

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Picrew link: Shall we dance?

😙😚😳

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1) Jack and Fierdan ballroom dancing. 

This is how I imagine them ballroom dancing. Mm, they sure are dressed nice and fancy. 

And here is music that gives me JackXFierdan romantic ballroom dancing vibes. 

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x- -x-x-

We Have It All~ Pim Stones

Something in Me, Something in You~ Gemini

My Escape~ Ravenscode

Neon Lights~ Pim Stones

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK~ Joji

------------------------------------------------------------------

2) Duke and Stella (Twinkle) ballroom dancing.

Yes, it's based on Stella's dream. Am I obsessed with it? Hmm mm... maybe.

Information can be found at: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2020/06/haunted-dance-wip.html and http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2020/06/dancing-and-kissing-in-dreamscape.html

:') <3 ♪♩🎵♪♩🎵♪♩🎵

I know I already put songs in one of those posts, but here, have more. 

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x- -x-x- 

For Elise~ Beethoven (piano cover)

(the same song as above. the vibes~ <3)

(Yes, there is a Reason why it's only piano music.)

Dark Piano - Liar ~ Lucas King

(I started listening to more of his songs. Ahhhhhh—)

Can't Help Falling in Love (cover - Dark Version)~ Tommee Profitt (feat. brooke)

(Never mind. I'm adding songs other than piano only ones. *gets mesmerized by songs I'm finding*)

Wicked Game~ Ursine Vulpine

Pyrokinesis~ 7Chariot // Actually, this song fits Duke/Fierdan dancing with both Stella and Jack.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

💖💖💖💖

Songs To Substitute Words

Songs to substitute words. That's what this post will be about. I'm going to include videos of songs, which will be my feelings. I won't write about what happened and what's going on with me (not yet anyway); I'll let the songs speak for themselves. 

........ Hi. I'm back. I'm still alive. I am.

(Did Blogger seriously update again? *sighs* :/)

-------------------------------------------------

Entertain You~ Within Temptation

I think I listened to this song a lot around the time I had the dream where my fire boys were singing that song. 

-x-x-x-

Love the Way You Hate Me~ Like A Storm

This song is resonating with me nowadays. For.. personal reasons. :'}

"I don't care if I'm not good enough for you. I don't care if I don't live the life you want me to. ... 'Cause all you are is everything that I don't wanna be. You say 'I'm a freak'. I say 'I am free'. Come take a shot at me. I love the way you hate me. You say 'I'm insane'. I say 'You're afraid'. ... You think you know me. You have no idea what I've been through. So take your shot, say what you want about me. ... I'd rather be a freak than be a fake. Tell me 'I'm a freak'. ...  Hate me. ... I love the way you hate me."

Haha yeah, I'm not completely okay. Things happened that messed me up. 

-x-x-x-

runaway~ Vorsa 

. . . . . . . . . .

"When did I become this monster that I see? ... Does it get easier? What do you become now, after all that time of being broken? I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here. I wanna run away, find somewhere I can disappear. ... I've become good at hiding and playing pretend, but I think it's time for a change. I think it's time for a change. ... What do I say? Nothing at all."

Being where I am is suffocating me. 

Metaphorically, at least.

-x-x-x-

im so sick of this~ guccihighwaters 

. . . . 

"What's wrong, what's right? ... Looking back I see the knife in my back now. ... I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of shit. Nobody listening. ... Chemicals running through my veins, I just wanna sleep. Feelings bleeding out my brain, but right now I can't feel a thing. ... I try my best but this feeling always stays. You know I try, but you gotta give me space. And I don't wanna hurt you if you get in my way. Reach out just to waste my time. It's the young waste of space with his headphones on."

ye ah ..........

-x-x-x-

Would Anyone Care~ Citizen Soldier

I have thoughts and feelings. (...)

"Would anyone notice if tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me and say the words I need to hear? That I'm no burden, not so worthless, bent so much that I just might break. All consuming, so confusing, the questions that keep me awake. Would anyone care? Would anyone cry if I stepped off this ledge tonight? Would anything change? Would you all just be fine? 'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight. ... Would anyone want me if they knew what was inside my head? ... I've never felt worthy of love. I would give up everything I have just to feel good enough. ... If you're dying inside, sick of being alive, let me in, let me share in your pain. ... Would anyone care? Would anyone cry if you finally gave up and turned out the light? ... Take back your life."

I've had those thoughts and feelings countless times. And again more recently. 

;~; ;~; ;~; <3 <3 <3

 -x-x-x-

........... My mental health shattered, and I'm trying to gather the pieces and stick them back together.

Bye.

-- Shan 

one post; many topics

Yeah. This is one post, and I'll be talking about many topics. 

I feel better now than I did in my last post. That's good.

I'm still waking up ridiculously early though. For example, I only got 4 hours of sleep before my body decided to wake up for pretty much no reason. Waking up at 4 am isn't that fun. :(

I either wake up at 4, 5, or 6 am these days. I can't get a solid 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Ugh, this sucks. 

The 12th was my sister's birthday. The day was pretty good. I got to eat good food. Mm. 

Waking up at 5 am and not being able to fall back asleep until the mid-to-late afternoon wasn't that fun though, haha. Ha, ha, ha *screams* :]

What else, what else..? Oh, well, I'm reading a book. It's called Tarnished Are the Stars. It's pretty good. It has wlw characters and an aroace character. All are main characters. Haha yeah, I like it. :)

*dives into random and unrelated topics* 

-x-x-x-

This morning, I had a stressful dream. In the dream, I was very emotional over one of my family's cars. Apparently, the rest of my family buried and got rid of the old, black car, and I got very upset at my family since I had a connection to the car. Then my family got a big, bright red car to replace the old, black car. That made me even more upset because that red car was ugly, yet the rest of my family liked it. Oh and then I ran away, running around my neighborhood. At one point, I stole my sister's phone. I think I returned it to her much later in the dream. 

Yeah uh.. what the heck. Why am I being so damn emotional about cars in my dreams? I had a similar dream to this one a week or so ago. O.o

*checks dream moods . com* Dream moods . com: you have issues lol // Me: :'(

Am I okay? Haha.. no.. who knows? *makes vague hand motions and shrugs*

-x-x-x-

Can't you believe that I dreamed such a banger? That Fierdan (and Duke? idk anymore) song? What a hit. I'm terrible at coming with song lyrics (obviously), yet a song I heard in one of my dreams legit got stuck in my head for a long time. 

I even sung parts of the song while in the shower. I unironically like that song. I know it's not really a song (what's the chorus? the other parts of a song? beats me), but it's so damn catchy. I'm sad that no one else will be able to listen to the song in the same way that I heard it in my dream. Like, dang, that's just heartbreaking. Y'all are missing out. </3

Oh gosh, I'm in love. Mm omg. 

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

You’re quite deceiving. You’re badly bleeding. 

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? You get to choose. 

Don’t start a ruse or I’ll tie a noose. 

<3 <3 <3 

......... typing this out makes me think that you all think I'm crazy. So, uh..... Welcome to my twisted mind!!!!1!!1!!11!

I'll try to describe how it sounds like. I'm going to fail miserably, but bear with me. *thinks of a bear* 

. . . . . . . . . oh yeah—

The "whoa" part sounds like "whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh *slight pause, repeat*". (ugh, I'm awful at this :/). The next two lines "You're quite deceiving. You're badly bleeding." are said faster, but there's a small pause between the two sentences. The three questions that follow are said the slowest out of all the lines in this verse thing. I.. Never mind, I give up on explaining. I just can't. Lmao bye.

I guess all the lines about deceiving, bleeding, and breathing" are kinda like a chorus..? Those lines are especially catchy. And they repeat a few times in the song. 

*lists the rest of the lyrics that I find catchy as hell*

You’re quite deceiving. You’re barely breathing. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?

This time, the statements are said slower than the two questions. Come to think of it, the "Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?" sounds kinda similar to that Take What You Want song by Post Malone. :'D

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

I’m quite deceiving. I’m barely breathing. 

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

I’ll hold you in a caress. 

Is this true love’s kiss? 

No.

I already went over the beginning, so I'm here to explain the lines from "Hold" to "No." Ok so.. All of those parts are said a little slowly compared to the tempo of the majority of the song. And the last line— the "No."— is said much louder. It sounds like a scream but not exactly that. It's hard for me to explain in words, sorry. 

Now these lyrics are the ones that are screamed rather than sung:

Honestly, what did you expect from a killer? 

I’ll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes.

I’ll tear your fucking heart out. 

And the singer's voice gets more aggressive the farther along this part goes. At "I'll tear your fucking heart out", Fierdan is pretty much screaming. The part in my dream where I heard him say that line sent chills down my spine. Yes, I dreamed that line. 

Then from there, the rest of the song sounds a lot more aggressive than in the beginning. The "ruse" and "noose" part also sounds a little aggressive, but it's nothing compared to "I'll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes. I'll tear your fucking heart out." and what comes after.

Bitch, make up your mind. I’m sick of waiting. 

Oh, you make me wanna die. 

Tie the noose. Don’t make it too loose. 

I’m a death addict. 

Fierdan sure has venom on his tongue while singing these lines. The bitterness of his sexy singing voice. *blanks out* hhhhh heck— <3 

Anyway, back to the screaming lyrics. That voice.. damn.

Fuck! 

What did you do to me? 

I’m your bad guy, bad guy, bad guy. 

I’m a death addict. 

Can’t break the habit. 

Tie the noose around my neck.

I’m addicted to death.

Feed my addiction.

Slay me alive. Tear my heart out.

I’m a fucking catastrophe.

And.. I think those are the rest of the screaming lyrics. 

I wish I could explain all of this better, but I can't. :(

There is some desperation in Fierdan's voice when he sings these lines:

Is this the end? I hear Death’s clock ticking.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?

It's pretty sad, hearing this part of the song. The slow and emphasized "tick, tock" and the question of "Do you hear them coming?" ... ouch, my heart. 

And the last verse thing sounds like he's given up / given in. Those lines are sung the softest in the entire song. His voice gets all quiet, and the "I lost the game." is barely more than a whisper. I think these lines are also sung the slowest. As you can see from all the times I pressed "Enter" on my keyboard while typing them out. 

the full song

I actually have more I could ramble about, but I'll end the post here. 

Yeah, well, bye. 

Duke + Fierdan Singing (Dream Within a Dream)

Hi, I’m going to make this intro real quick. Haha yeah.

I took a nap this afternoon. While I was sleeping, dream me was also sleeping. In the dream I had while dreaming, I listened to Duke and Fierdan singing a song they wrote. Their singing voices were gorgeous and hot as hell. Then dream me woke up from the dream of them singing, and I (dream me lol) started singing what they were singing. Duke and Fierdan were singing something like a combination of rock and rap..? It’s hard to describe, but their singing voices were fire. Their voices are so good, I swear. Their rough singing voices dragging you into their song, even if the words are all nonsense. And then I (dream me) created a blog post in the dream (within a dream) I had. I tried writing down the song lyrics to what I heard Duke and Fierdan singing in my dream, but as the dream (the main one where I, myself, was dreaming lol) continued, the more song lyrics I forgot. That made me a little sad. Anyway, the title of this post is the same post title I put on the blog post I created in my dream. I’m going to try to write down the song lyrics I remember from my dream within a dream. The song was catchy and so freaking good. It’s hard to remember all of the lines, but I’ll try my best. 

The song. Most lyrics are what I remember from the dream within a dream, but I’m filling in some of the small gaps with what I can only guess were the original lyrics. Oh and the lyrics contain profanity. The song can be directed to Stella (Twinkle) or Jack (J___) or maybe someone else entirely. Dream me thought the song was about Stella, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate. Especially since some lyrics sound pretty sexual. So... it’s probably not about her. 

I know this sounds confusing, haha. I’m trying my best to write coherently. :’D 

Ok, ok, ok. It’s song time! ;D <3 

[contains: mentions of blood, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, profanity, mentions of addiction, sexual innuendo]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

You’re quite deceiving. You’re badly bleeding. 

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? You get to choose. 

Don’t start a ruse or I’ll tie a noose. 

Don’t get on my bad side. I’m a hero and a villain.

I’ll knock you to the floor and make you begging please.

You’re quite deceiving. You’re barely breathing. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?

There are two sides to every story. 

Let’s make history. We have chemistry. 

I’ll knock you to the floor and make you wanting more. 

Your knees are shaking. Your body’s aching.

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? Make up your mind.

We don’t have much time. I’ll make you mine. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me? 

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

I’m quite deceiving. I’m barely breathing. 

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

I’ll hold you in a caress. 

Is this true love’s kiss? 

No.

Oh, what are you doing here? Do you know who I am?

You’re a liar if you didn’t expect to play with fire. 

This love’s not easy. The situation’s dire.

You’re badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

Honestly, what did you expect from a killer? 

I’ll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes.

I’ll tear your fucking heart out. 

Am I a hero or a villain? Am I the good or bad guy? 

Bitch, make up your mind. I’m sick of waiting. 

Oh, you make me wanna die. 

Tie the noose. Don’t make it too loose. 

I’m a death addict. 

Tell me why you came for me. Tell me why I came for you.

We’re making history. We live together; we die together. 

But you’re an angel and I’m from hell. 

I’m a killer. 

You got me so fucked up. Your love fucked me up. 

There are voices in my head. 

Heal you. Kill you. Fuck you.

I can’t make up my mind.

It’s your time to choose.

By the end of the night, you’ll be begging for more. 

And I’ll leave you wanting more, more, more.

Oh, if only we could hit rewind. 

But you’re badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

We’re quite deceiving. 

Are we heroes? Or are we villains? 

I have a broken mind. 

You make me want me to. You want to make me. You want. I want. 

... Fuck! 

What did you do to me? 

I’m on my knees, begging please.

Your grin’s so sinister. 

Bitch, you’re quite deceiving.

I’m badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

I’m your bad guy, bad guy, bad guy. 

I’m a death addict. 

Can’t break the habit. 

Tie the noose around my neck.

I’m addicted to death.

Feed my addiction.

Slay me alive. Tear my heart out.

I’m a fucking catastrophe.

And you’re mine to the end of time.

If I go down, we go down together.

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

My mind is breaking. Your legs are aching.

Can’t think. Can’t blink. Can’t sink.

Oh, you really fucked me up. 

Our love’s a catastrophe.

What did you expect from playing with fire?

Setting ourselves on fire? Being each other’s liar? 

Fake our deaths. Save your breath.

We’re phoenixes, you and I. 

We rise out of the ashes. And we fly, fly, fly.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We’re quite deceiving. 

We’re badly bleeding. 

We’re barely breathing.

We live as one, die as one. 

I made up my mind.

Hit rewind.

Don’t be shy. 

Get ready to fly. 

Write your story and I’ll write mine.

We’re out of time.

I won’t put up a fight.

Let’s go down in history.

My love, I wish you a good night.

I’m ready to die. Are you?

It’s time to choose.

Good guy? Bad guy? 

Hero? Villain?

You say I’m a category four.

All of the above.

No wonder you keep on begging for more.

We’re both bleeding on the floor.

Love, you made me breathless.

Is this the end? I hear Death’s clock ticking.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?

Hallucinate.

It’s too late. 

Heal me. Kill me. Fuck me.

Alleviate the pain.

I lost the game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damn. That’s fucked up.

The lines containing “deceiving” and “bleeding” and “breathing” actually got stuck in my head after I woke up from my nap. Those lines are so catchy. Well, to me they are. 

The “whoa” parts too. Their voices singing in my dream. Now that’s fire.

And yes, the farther into the song the less sense it has. That’s the point. Duke and Fierdan are my most unstable characters, and they’re broken in so many ways. 

Are they singing about Stella? Jack? Another impulsive relationship? I don’t know anymore. 

Oh yeah. I like to think of Duke and Fierdan being “addicted” to death. Death is their first addiction. Through murder and wanting to die. Homicide and suicide. Death is what they have both craved for such a long time. They reach out for it time and time again. Death and dying give them stability. Which is messed up. Duke and Fierdan are extremely messed up. 

Song explanation to try to unravel their thought patterns: 

Duke/Fierdan (either Duke or Fierdan is the main guy singing) and his lover (whoever that may be) are alone in a wide, empty room. For some reason, I picture it being an empty ballroom in a castle. I don’t even remember why. Just roll with it.

Anyway, his lover is on the floor, bleeding badly and heavily and also has trouble breathing. It looks like he/she is about to die. But Duke/Fierdan’s lover doesn’t die. He calls him/her deceiving because he believes his lover is deceiving him, messing him up, affecting his thoughts. He can’t think clearly. He also asks his lover why he/she came for him and his/her reasons for staying. Since he’s so mentally unstable and is, well, a killer. Then he feels like he’s deceiving his lover as well as himself. And Duke/Fierdan is so lost in his thoughts that he wants his lover to tell him who he is: good guy, bad guy, hero, villain. 

Then comes the, uh... unsafe thoughts: wanting to kill himself, wanting someone to kill him, wanting to kill someone, believing his “badly bleeding” and “barely breathing” lover attacked him and now he’s caught up in the idea that he’s also bleeding and can’t breathe and is also about to die... and finally, wanting to fuck. I think those are all of the... unsafe thoughts.

By “begging for more” and “wanting more” the implications are sexual. Like, ahem, it’s about sex. Which makes it be more like a song sung by Fierdan about Jack or someone else he gets... physically intimate with. Anyway, those two can be so damn horny. They’re both very sexual. I can’t help it, that’s just how they are, and I can’t relate but I just know they just wanna fuck. At the same time, I’m sex repulsed, and this looks like I’m crazy and not making any sense. But I swear, I do not control my characters. These bastards are uncontrollable. 

But those lines can also be about how his lover wants “more” time to make up his/her mind on what they think of Duke/Fierdan. Is he a good or bad guy? Is he a hero or villain? It’s hard to think one way about someone you’re deeply in love with but also know is a killer who could easily turn on you and want to kill you. Like... honey, this shit isn’t easy. They have until the end of the night to decide whether he’s a good or bad guy and a hero or villain. Why is that the time limit? I don’t know, ask Duke and Fierdan. They were the ones singing about that in my dream within a dream. Haha, what the fuck. 

“They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?” Ok we get it. You’re going mad (aka crazy), Duke and Fierdan. We know. Is it about Death coming and Duke/Fierdan believing he’s dying? The time of death is coming— tick, tock, tick, tock. Is his lover also dying? Is that why he asks if his lover can also hear Death’s clock? Or, on a brighter note, did people in the castle find Duke/Fierdan and the lover in the empty ballroom bleeding all over each other and on the floor? Are the people in the castle coming to rescue/save them or are they too late? Are they dying or can they be healed? Or do the people who found them have intentions on killing Duke/Fierdan and his lover? Who knows? It’s a mystery. Maybe it’s all of the above. Maybe it’s none of the above. What is real? What is fake? Metaphors, metaphors, metaphors. Fierdan is too complex for me to understand. Overthinking will make us all fall into madness. You know what? Fuck you, Duke and Fierdan. Fuck this song. Fuck your voices sounding so vivid and making me know you two better only from appearing in my dreams. Just... fuck. 

*screams into my own personal void* 

@ this post: What the actual fuck! 

Hahaha. Ahahaha. Hahahahaha. 

Bye!