Hello. Hi. It is time.
Wow, it’s been a full month since I posted part 8. That’s wild. How is July already almost over? Where did the time go?
I’ll admit it. I didn’t prioritize getting this part out as fast as the previous posts. Why? Well, a lot happens in this part. And I’ve been a little scared of writing it. So many confessions are made in this one. It also gets pretty heavy content-wise. Possibly the most so far in the Confessions skit arc.
I think I said this before, but I have a ton of thoughts about my characters, and I’m trying to get a significant number of them out in skit form. When I say a ton, I mean it. I’m pretty sure I struggle with maladaptive daydreaming, and my daydreams are mainly about my characters and skit/story content. There is so much content in my brain.
I am so definitely very normal!! (/lies. of course not.)
This skit. Oh man, oh geez. Help.
Alright, that’s enough. I’ll insert the content warnings for this particular skit part and then the skit shall begin. Please read. I think it would be worth it.
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**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, interpersonal conflict, mentions of homophobia, sex-negative language, discussions of mental health and illnesses/disorders including medications, suicidal thoughts and mentions of suicide, mentions of homicide and homicidal thoughts (kept on forgetting to include this one before), being drunk/intoxicated/not sober from alcohol, mentions of drugs and addiction, vomiting, mentions of sexual content (not as vulgar/raunchy/crude as earlier parts, but it includes sex work), mentions of childhood abuse including sexual abuse, mentions of racism. That should be all. Not listed in order.
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[The same day but several hours later. It’s 10 or 11 at night. Dylan and Jack are indoors and are walking down a hallway. They just bought cans of soda from the vending machine at the end of the hallway. Dylan opens his can of lemon-lime soda at the same time that Jack opens his can of root beer.]
Dylan: Just so you know, I’m only still socializing because it’s the weekend. Don’t expect me to stay this social. The past day or two have been an exception. *takes a sip from his can*
Jack: *is distracted* Yeah, yeah, okay.
Dylan: *frowns* What? Are you not interested in me anymore?
Jack: *turns around to face Dylan, takes a long sip from his can*
Dylan: *quickly looks down at the floor* Shit. Forget I said that.
Jack: Okay.
Dylan: Th-Thank you. *arches eyebrow* Wait, what? That’s it?
Jack: *sighs* What is it, Dylan? I thought you were sick and tired of me, but you’ve been following me for hours.
Dylan: *stares at the can in his hand for a few seconds before drinking from it* I’ve been thinking about back then. When we had our thing—
Jack: *cutting him off* Wow, I’m surprised. You’ve been feeling nostalgic about it all this time. Do you miss the sex we had that much?
Dylan: *face gets red* No, no. Why does your brain always go to that?
Jack: *shrugs* Okay. Then what was it?
Dylan: Well, uh, maybe it’s kind of related. Maybe.
Jack: Do you want me to help hook you up with someone? I’m pretty sure we can find someone.
Dylan: *groans* No! Shut up, Jack! *pauses* That’s it!
Jack: Sorry, I’m not following. I have a lot on my mind, but I’m trying here.
Dylan: Your name. You didn’t go by Jack back when we *sighs* you know.
Jack: Of course I didn’t. Jack is a relatively new name to add to my list of names.
Dylan: But why?
Jack: Why what?
Dylan: Why do you even have a list of names? Why can’t you stick to one name?
Jack: *smirks* What’s the fun in that?
Dylan: *frowns* I mean it. I want to know.
Jack: *sighs* You know why. It’s too risky. I can’t let certain people from my past be able to recognize me. That includes names, by the way.
Dylan: Despite it all, there is a pattern to it. To your list of names, I mean. You only choose names that start with the letter J.
Jack: J names are the best, that’s why. *drinks the root beer*
Dylan: *scratches the top of his head* What name did you use back then? You know, back when we were—
Jack: Ah yes, the sex.
Dylan: Ugh, it’s not about that! I’m just using it as that time period when we knew each other.
Jack: There are time periods now, huh?
Dylan: You know what I mean. Don’t be such an ass.
Jack: Are you asking the name I went by back then?
Dylan: *nods*
Jack: Got it. Unfortunately, I don’t remember.
Dylan: You don’t?
Jack: What can I say? I’m forgetful.
Dylan: Well, that’s true. Okay. Let me try to remember. Hmm, was it Jax?
Jack: *shakes head* No, it can’t be. That one’s too recent.
Dylan: I guess that makes sense. Jax and Jack are pretty similar. I like Jax more. Why did you have to change it again?
Jack: *shrugs* I live to be spontaneous.
Dylan: It must be a pain having to keep track of all the names you used. You don’t repeat names, after all.
Jack: That’s right. It’ll defeat the purpose if I did. *pauses* Was it Jinx? Jainx? Damn, that was a weird one. Or was it Jasper?
Dylan: I have a feeling it was Jax. It sounds the most familiar. You’re probably thinking of the name you went by when we first met. It’s been a few years since then.
Jack: Oh, you’re right. That’s probably it.
Dylan: Oh, really?
Jack: Dude, I don’t fucking remember. All that shit happened ages ago.
Dylan: But it makes me wonder. Why did you stop using Jay in your names in the first place?
Jack: Jay leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have too many unpleasant memories tied to it. ‘Gay Jay’ and all kinds of homophobic insults by those kids in hell.. I mean school. Then later I used it as my thing, but.. it just didn’t stick. That’s not me anymore.
Dylan: Then why didn’t you just use your birth name but spelled differently? So, you know, there’s no Jay in it anymore.
Jack: Jason? I didn’t vibe with it. It never felt like me. But to be honest, I can’t decide on whether I hate it or Jaysen more. Both are just.. no thanks, not for me.
Dylan: What about other Jay names? You went by two of those at some point, right?
Jack: Huh? Do you mean Jayce and Jaymes? I didn’t hate those, but you know, I had to cut those names off to avoid certain people discovering me. I can’t be tracked down.
Dylan: Can’t you just use your special powers on them if they ever do?
Jack: I’m not gonna talk to you about that. There’s a reason why I don’t use mine unless it’s absolutely necessary. Well, in the ways you’re alluding to.
[Their conversation is cut short when they see three figures heading their way. One is further ahead than the other two. Ryen runs and reaches Dylan and Jack first. Red and Elias, both looking tired, walk slowly behind Ryen. There’s a desperate look in Ryen’s eyes, and it looks like he’s hyper. It’s unusual for him.]
Dylan: Uh, what’s happening?
Jack: *frowns as he stares at Ryen, squeezes his can slightly* Yeah, what is this? Do you have any more insults to throw my way? I’m never good enough for you, am I?
Ryen: *catches his breath* Thank god, I found you!
Jack: Sorry, what? Since when does your voice sound like that? Your tone, it’s.. not hostile.
Dylan: *whispers to Jack* Don’t push it.
Jack: *whispers back* Right.
Elias: He has a right to be frustrated with you. *sighs* You nearly cost us the mission, Jack. I don’t know why you were so distracted during it either, but you really could’ve put us in a lot more danger.
Jack: *glares at Elias* Of course you’re on his side.
Elias: *sighs* I’m on nobody’s side. You all get on my nerves in one way or another. Besides, you being you, I’d rather not get imprisoned or killed because of your mistakes.
Jack: What’s that supposed to mean?
Elias: You wouldn’t understand since you’re a pale white boy. *glances at Dylan* You both will never get it.
Jack: What the hell?
Elias: *groans* If they found us— you, me, the twins— we all know they’ll be more sympathetic and merciful towards you because you’re white. Racism is still very much a thing.
Red: *puts her hand on Elias’s back* This is not the time.
Elias: *to Red, speaks quietly* Then when is it? You’re black too.
Red: Look, I’m tired. I finally got out of my work uniform, changed into this cute top that matches this skirt, only to have Ryen run up to me begging for my help.
Jack: *notices Red* Ah yeah, your outfit looks great. I almost didn’t recognize you. I usually only see you dressed up in those button-up shirts and khakis. This look suits you much better.
Red: Uh.. thanks.
Jack: *notices a tattoo on Red* Oh sick, is that a tattoo? *points to it* It looks so cool! Did you know Dylan has a tattoo in that same place. *to Dylan* Wanna show her?
Dylan: *is startled when Jack says his name, looks up from his soda can that he’s been drinking from for the past minute* Eh?
Ryen: *sighs but is still acting jittery* Are you all done yet?
Dylan: What? Uh.. yes? I think so.
Ryen: Good. Okay. *places his hands on Jack’s shoulders*
Jack: Uh.. what is going—
Ryen: *stares at Jack* I’m sorry about my choice of words earlier. This isn’t about that. I just want to ask you something.
Jack: *looks awkward, nods in acknowledgement*
Ryen: Have you seen Fierdan recently? Let’s say.. hmm.. in the last two or three hours? Have you seen him since then?
Jack: *frowns* Are you seriously asking me that? Since when were you concerned about where Fierdan is?
Ryen: I need to talk to him. It’s urgent.
Jack: *takes a step back* You’re acting weird. What’s wrong with you?
Ryen: *is getting frustrated* Stop with the bullshit! I need to tell him something important.
Red: Calm down. Being angry won’t solve anything.
Ryen: I’m not angry. I can’t calm down either. *lowers voice* I’m too scared. I need him, Red, I can’t do this on my own.
Dylan: Huh? What is this really about?
Ryen: *shakes head* Since you’re also here, Dylan, have you seen him by any chance?
Dylan: Fierdan? Well.. no. Jack hasn’t either.
Ryen: You haven’t, Jack?
Jack: Nope. *sighs* I was hoping to spend the rest of the day not thinking about him. Well, that’s ruined now, so thanks.
Ryen: Aren’t you two always together at this hour?
Jack: *face gets a little red, stomps his foot* No!
Elias: Come on, Ryen. Maybe he’s in the library again.
Ryen: He’s not.
Elias: *throws their hands up* Well, I tried. Good luck searching for your little bro. I’m going to bed.
Ryen: Huh? You’re leaving so soon?
Elias: I’ve been helping you for hours, Ryen. I’m exhausted. I’ll help you in the morning. *checks their watch* Proper morning. Don’t pull some shit about how it’s close to midnight. Morning doesn’t start until 5 am, though I prefer to say it starts at 8.
Red: I think I’m gonna head out too. Sorry, Ryen, but I should get some sleep.
Ryen: *sighs* Ugh, fine! Go!
Jack: Maybe he’s out in town. Fierdan is probably at a bar or something.
Ryen: Are you sure?
Jack: I don’t know where he is. I’m just guessing. It makes sense that he would be at a place like that if he isn’t anywhere in this building. You checked his apartment, right?
Elias: Of course we did. He’s not there.
Dylan: Are you sure about that?
Elias: Yes! *pauses* I don’t know. He could be in a coma in there for all I know. He didn’t respond to any of Ryen’s persistent knocking, which is a grand feat in itself.
Ryen: Hey! I’m desperate to see him, okay?
Dylan: Hmm. This really isn’t like you.
Red: Desperate times call for desperate measures. What can I tell you?
Dylan: Do you know what this is really about?
Red: Nope, not a thing. Ryen will only say that he needs to talk with Fierdan privately.
Dylan: That’s so strange.
Jack: *sighs* Why do you care so much? Let the two of them sort their shit out.
Elias: Exactly. Jack gets it. *pauses* Well, I’m leaving. Goodbye.
Red: Same. Good night, everybody.
[They all say their farewells. Shortly after Elias and Red leave, three other people appear in the hallway. They walk towards the rest of them.]
Dawn: Hey, what is it?
Sabrina: You know what he’s gonna say, right?
Stella: *looks at Ryen* No, we haven’t seen him either. Is this really necessary? You need us to help find him?
Dawn: Did something bad happen? Is he okay?
Jack: *mutters* Why wouldn’t he be?
Dawn: Oh.. uh… *looks from Ryen to Jack*
Dylan: Don’t ask. They just.. got into a disagreement, that’s all.
Jack: Shut up, Dyl.
Dylan: *shrugs* Just saying.
Jack: God. Fierdan this, Fierdan that. Can I ever get a fucking break?
Sabrina: *laughs* It’s funny how you’re the one saying that. Did you and Stella swap brains?
Stella: What?
Jack: *groans* No! Also, why are you even here?
Sabrina: Me? Is there something wrong with me being here?
Jack: Uh.. well.. no. But—
Sabrina: I was giving Stella a few makeup tutorials. We bought some things at the shop today.
Dylan: *looks confused* Makeup? Stella?
Sabrina: Well, she wanted to buy some. I decided to help her out. Have ourselves a girls’ shopping trip.
Stella: We only went to one store though.
Sabrina: Okay, yeah, but it was still worth it. You had fun too, right?
Stella: Well.. yeah. It’s been a nice day.
Sabrina: Then we bumped into Dawn when we came back, and we’ve been hanging out ever since.
Ryen: Aww, that’s sweet. *rolls eyes* Anyway, help me find my obnoxious little brother.
Sabrina: Don’t trash on our interests, Ryen.
Ryen: Whatever. I’m sorry. Can you just talk about makeup and all that feminine stuff later?
Stella: Why do we have to? Just look for him yourself.
Jack: Fucking exactly. Stella gets it! Why do we all have to do this shit for Ryen?
Ryen: You don’t understand. I need to speak with him.
Jack: Then wait until morning! Why are you so damn impatient?
Ryen: Because it’s important!
Dawn: Then make us understand. What is it you’re hiding from us?
Ryen: *faces Dawn* Dawn.. hmm.
Dawn: Yes?
Ryen: I’m not sure if I should tell you. You’re not directly involved, after all. Then again, I am more likely to tell you than anyone else here.
Stella: Gee, thanks. This is clearly not worth it.
Jack: On point. Let’s go.
Ryen: No!
Jack: No?
Ryen: Please stay.
Jack: Why should we?
Ryen: Because.. knowing what I know now.. I’m…
Stella: You’re what?
Ryen: I’m afraid to spend the night alone. There. You happy now?
Dylan: So strange. This is all very strange.
Sabrina: I know, right?
Jack: Huh. Well then. Perhaps the brothers have something in common, after all.
[Nearly a half hour passes. Sabrina left to go somewhere. The rest of them moved to the floor where most of their apartments are. Ryen finally gave in to admitting that they probably won’t find Fierdan for the rest of the night. They are about to all go their separate ways when a ding is suddenly heard from the elevator at the end of the hallway. They look at each other, confused and with eyebrows raised, before slowly walking toward the elevator.
Then the elevator doors open and Fierdan staggers out, nearly tripping over his own feet. He is wearing dark-colored pants and a coat that is zipped up halfway, revealing a patterned button-up shirt with the first few buttons undone and the shirt collar looking like a mess. He is also wearing black gloves. The look in his eyes seems off, his face is flushed, and tiny flames cover the small area of his body where his bare skin is exposed. There is a strong odor of alcohol in addition to the smell of fire. When he speaks, he slurs his words. Fierdan is clearly drunk.]
Fierdan: This better be the right floor. *nearly trips, leans against the closest wall for balance* Fuck.
Stella: *smirks* Well, it looks like Jack was right. Fierdan had to have been at a bar. Just look at him.
Jack: *gives Ryen a little shove, tone is cold* Oh look, there he is! Now you can talk to him. Congratulations.
Ryen: *frowns* I can’t have a serious conversation with him when he’s in this state. I have to tell him something very important. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight, but *sighs* just look at him. He’s obviously intoxicated.
Fierdan: *notices Jack first* Hey, you jackass. *rubs his eyes, blinks a few times* Wow, the gang’s all here. Look at all these fuckers. *laughs*
Dawn: *steps closer to Fierdan, her tone is still kind and gentle* Hello, Fierdan, we were looking for you. *glances behind her at Ryen* Well, Ryen was mainly. He kind of dragged us into this mess.
Ryen: *sighs* Sober up. I have something important to tell you.
Dawn: *frowns at Fierdan* Are you drunk?
Fierdan: *stares at Dawn with a blank look in his eyes for a few seconds before saying anything* No shit.
Dylan: *mutters* Of course he is. Don’t you guys smell the alcohol on his breath? Geez.
Fierdan: *sighs as he steps away from the wall* Yes, I’m drunk. What the fuck else would you call this shit? God, you’re all so fucking stupid.
Stella: Wow, he admitted it.
Fierdan: Are you all here to interrogate me? I’m not in the mood. *stretches out his arms* Alcohol is so flammable. *pauses* Or is it inflammable? Shit, I don’t remember. These flames won’t die. I’m sweating like crazy.
Dylan: Then take off your coat. You’re not outside in the cold.
Fierdan: Stop being such a smartass. *pauses* Actually, just stop. St-Stop it. *hand presses the wall* I’m dizzy.
Ryen: Well, I’m glad to hear you still have some level of self-awareness.
Jack: Where the hell were you?
Fierdan: *starts slipping out of his coat* At a bar. *smirks* Met this hot chick. We talked, got wasted, kissed and made out. You know how it goes, right?
Stella: Whoa, hang on. What?
Dylan: Damn.
Fierdan: Wait, no, we didn’t really get physical. We just kissed each other. Over and over and over again.
Jack: *yells* What the fuck is your problem? It hasn’t even been a day since our fight. And not even 24 hours later, you find someone else! Fucking hell, we’re still together, you asshole!
Fierdan: Oh, really? I’m pretty sure you broke up with me.
Jack: What? No, no.
Fierdan: *points an accusatory finger at Jack* You’re just being the master manipulator as always.
Jack: Fuck off with that shit!
Ryen: Okay, what in the world is going on?
Fierdan: Stay out of this!
Jack: This doesn’t concern you, Ryen. Or anyone else for that matter.
Dylan: *sighs* Relationships are too dramatic for me. I don’t have enough energy for them.
Ryen: I agree.
Fierdan: *suddenly starts laughing* Goddamn. I was only joking.
Jack: You what?
Fierdan: Was just a jest. I did talk to some women at the bar, but I didn’t kiss or do any shit with them. *pauses, smirks* What I really did all that with was Brock.
Jack: Brock? What the—
Stella: Oh god, was she right? Is Brock actually into Fierdan? Are they into each other? Are they a thing?
Dylan: Stella, what the hell—
Stella: Sabrina was telling me. She thinks—
Jack: *quickly spins around* Brock! Where the hell is he? *glares at Fierdan* Is he with you? Are you hiding him?
Fierdan: *laughs even harder* I can’t believe you fell for that. Holy shit. I have no idea where Brock is, and no, we didn’t do anything. Not whatever the hell you’re all thinking.
Jack: I don’t care if you’re telling the truth or if you’re lying. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re a fucking cheater.
Fierdan: *fidgets with one of his gloves, a small amount of black fabric close to the wrist between his fingers* What are you talking about? I was just messing with you. Seriously.
Jack: How can I take anything you say seriously when your voice sounds like that? You’re slurring at least half of the words you’re saying!
Fierdan: You sure took it seriously when I said I was kissing other people. Which were lies, by the way!
Jack: *grits his teeth* I don’t give a damn. You’re still a man-whore.
Dylan: *raises arms in shock* Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn’t just say that.
Jack: It’s true. He is one. Before all this shit happened, he told me he wanted to fuck you.
Dylan: It wasn’t serious! *turns to Fierdan* R-Right?
Fierdan: *rolls eyes*
Dylan: *feels like he could lose his breath* I.. I can’t do this. Bye! *runs down the hallway until he reaches his apartment*
Fierdan: *laughs coldly as he glares at Jack* It sure is ironic of you to call me that. Me, a whore? A slut? *laughs* Have you taken a look in the mirror?
Stella: What? *glances at Dawn, whispers* Hey, you okay?
Dawn: *nods*
Stella: Oh.. okay. Just making sure.
Dawn: Yeah, I’m.. fine. Don’t worry about me.
Fierdan: *still arguing with Jack* You have the fucking audacity to call me those things when you were the one who actually.. who was a *shakes head* you were a—
Jack: That was ages ago! I left that behind me!
Stella: *raises voice* Why are you two so angry at each other in the first place?
Jack: *ignores her* Go on, Fierdan. Say it!
Fierdan: Fine, I will!
Jack: Make sure they all know.
Fierdan: *sighs, lowers his hands* It’s funny because.. because you had sex with way more people than I ever had. Want to know why, everyone?
Ryen: *groans* Maybe it wasn’t worth trying to find him tonight. I’m getting a headache.
Stella: I hate not getting it. What is going on?
Fierdan: Jack used to fuck for money.
Stella: Huh?
Jack: *sighs, sounds a little less hostile* You know how I was a drug addict, yes? Well, drugs are expensive, so in order to get the money, I.. I did whatever I could. I’m not proud of what I did. It’s by far not the worst thing I did to get my hands on enough money to pay for more drugs, but I did sex work for a while. On top of other things. But I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s—
Fierdan: *slow claps* The sex worker tells me I’m a man-whore. Ain't that ironic?
Jack: Former, you dick.
Fierdan: It’s ironic, nonetheless.
Ryen: *sighs* Sex work is a legitimate form of work. Come on now.
Jack: Thank you, Ryen. I didn’t expect you to say something like that, but.. whatever *shakes head* thank you.
Fierdan: Even if.. it includes… Shit, what’s that word? Pussy tits.. possum too… *laughs* Ah fuck, I can’t even think straight. *looks at the floor* My alcohol tolerance has lowered so much ever since I started those meds. Damn it.
Stella: ‘Pussy tits’ huh? Well, okay then.
Jack: *rolls eyes* Prostitution.
Fierdan: Aha, that’s it! Jack was a male prostitute. He told me this one time. *laughs* Can you imagine? Fucking…
Jack: You’re such an asshole, I swear to god.
Fierdan: God? There is no… *suddenly vomits at his feet, narrowly missing his shoes or anyone else’s, the seconds while it happens go by painfully slow and awkward, quickly wipes his mouth when he’s finished without thinking since he forgot he’s still wearing the black gloves* God.
Stella: Geez, that’s a lot.
Fierdan: Well, shit. *notices his dirty gloves, panics* Shit, shit, shit. *looks down the hallway*
Jack: *stops Fierdan from running away* Where do you think you’re going? Clean up your own mess.
Fierdan: Fucking asshole. I’m going to the bathroom! *runs away*
Dawn: I.. I can clean up the vomit.
Stella: Eww, gross! Don’t do that.
Dawn: No, it’s.. it’s fine. It’s by far not the first time—
Jack: *says in a threatening voice* Don’t you dare. Don’t even fucking think about cleaning up after him.
Dawn: *takes a step back in surprise* Oh.. okay. I.. I won’t.
Jack: Good. Thank you.
Ryen: *scratches chin* Does anyone else know what he meant by new meds? Was I the only one who thought he quit taking his medication cold turkey and stopped going to therapy and seeing that psychiatrist? Now what exactly is going on?
Jack: *scoffs* That is what’s bothering you?
Ryen: Do you know anything, Jack?
Jack: Huh? No, not really. Why do you care?
Ryen: Just wondering. *shakes head* Never mind, it’s not important.
Jack: *looks skeptical* Sure, okay, whatever you say.
Stella: The main issue is.. well.. what is taking him so long to come back here. It shouldn’t take this long to wash your face and hands, fetch some paper towels, and head back here. Right?
Ryen: *nods* You’re right. I’m going to check and see what is taking him so long.
Jack: I’ll go too.
Ryen: No. You stay here.
Jack: *mutters* Fine.
[Ryen opens the bathroom door. It’s a public bathroom, and fortunately, no one besides his brother and himself are in there. Ryen easily finds Fierdan at one of the sinks. The tap hasn’t turned off in a while since water is starting to overflow and spill onto the floor. Fierdan looks dazed and doesn’t seem to notice or care that he’s starting to get wet as well. He is still wearing the gloves, and they’re soaked. Ryen quickly grabs several paper towels from the dispenser before walking closer to where Fierdan is. When he does, he can’t tell what Fierdan is looking at— his reflection in the mirror, his hands, or neither— since his eyes look blank and like they’re not focused on anything. His hands are trembling slightly, not an area left on either glove that remains dry. Even when Ryen turns off the tap, Fierdan doesn’t do anything.]
Ryen: *in a gentle tone* Hey, Danny, are you alright?
Fierdan: *doesn't say anything, only continues to stare*
Ryen: Hello? Fierdan? *pauses, gulps* Oh god, are you dissociating?
Fierdan: *raises one of his index fingers, mutters under his breath* The blood won’t wash off, Ryen. It never will. My hands are so sticky and red. So, so red.
Ryen: *didn’t expect Fierdan’s voice to sound like that and for him to say those things* Sorry, what?
Fierdan: You know what I mean.
Ryen: I.. I don’t.
Fierdan: *stays silent*
Ryen: So.. uh.. do you want me to help take off your gloves?
Fierdan: No, the gloves stay. They conceal the blood.
Ryen: What blood? Are you bleeding? I can fetch Dawn—
Fierdan: No. Don’t. Please.
Ryen: Okay. How about.. umm… Are you really on new meds?
Fierdan: What? Are you surprised?
Ryen: Uh.. well.. yes. I thought you quit taking them and—
Fierdan: *raises hand, still doesn’t turn around to face Ryen* Want to know something?
Ryen: Sure.
Fierdan: I.. I think I’m… *shakes head* No. There is just a fuck ton of shit wrong with me. I don’t.. I don’t even know who I really am.
Ryen: *is about to say something when Fierdan continues*
Fierdan: You know I’ve been on mood stabilizers for a while now, right?
Ryen: That type of medication? Uh.. I suppose. Are you on a new one?
Fierdan: Well.. uh.. here’s the thing. The last time I went to the psychiatrist, he.. he suggested I try an antipsychotic. My therapist also thinks that’s a good idea. *pauses* Shocking, I know. I still go to therapy. I’m still so fucked up though.
Ryen: Okay. Why an antipsychotic? Are mood stabilizers not helping you anymore?
Fierdan: No, they… I don’t know anymore. Everything just keeps getting worse and more fucked. *pauses* I might be psychotic. More often these days, I keep seeing and hearing things that apparently aren’t real. Hallucinations. Delusions as well. I’m talking about when I’m sober.. at least I’m pretty sure I am. I’m not talking about right now. Shit, I just.. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. Only sometimes, not always. I don’t want to tell Jack and the others, but… *eyes widen* Why am I even telling you this? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Ryen: It’s okay to let it out.
Fierdan: To you? *scoffs* Of course it isn’t. You’re gonna turn whatever I say against me. I just know you will.
Ryen: *sighs* I’m trying to make an effort here. Especially with the news I received earlier—
Fierdan: What? What news?
Ryen: I’ll tell you later. Not now.
Fierdan: Okay, fine, it’s whatever.
Ryen: Do you want to talk more about it?
Fierdan: Ah, screw it. They all think it’s likely— and now I do as well— that I probably have… *shakes head* These mood swings are going to kill me, this impulsivity and this intense rage that sometimes takes over me and I forget what happens when it’s over.. it’s all going to end up killing me. I just know it. *pauses* We all think it’s likely, that I possibly, that I have.. uh… *pauses again* Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD. I.. *finally turns around to face Ryen* it’s obvious, isn’t it?
Ryen: *is at a loss of words*
Fierdan: Hey, come on! Say something? Don’t look at me like that!
Ryen: I.. I had a feeling. And not just me.
Fierdan: I have no identity. No stable sense of self. I am so fucked up.
Ryen: You’re not. They’re symptoms of BPD and C-PTSD. Which I know you have. Identity disturbance. And that’s just one thing. I also have C-PTSD. Believe me, I know what it’s like.
Fierdan: But you’re not borderline.
Ryen: No, I’m not. But I still—
Fierdan: You won’t ever understand what it’s like having this hell brain. I am so sick and tired of living each day like this.
Ryen: And that’s why you take your meds and continue going to therapy.
Fierdan: I do those things, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I’m never enough.
Ryen: Just.. continue trying. You’re not the only one like this.
Fierdan: I don’t want my personality to be disordered! I already knew there’s a long list of things wrong with me, but to realize my personality itself is wrong, is disordered at its core.. do you know how damaging it is to learn that? I am fundamentally broken.
Ryen: Fierdan, come on. You know that’s not true.
Fierdan: But it is! Just.. fuck.. look at me. I cope by drinking and smoking… I’m fucking drunk, come on!
Ryen: You’re hurt.
Fierdan: I am such an asshole. You have no fucking idea.
Ryen: Oh, I know.
Fierdan: And I.. I think about sexual stuff probably way too often. I do other shit too, but I can’t fucking think clearly. My head hurts. *pauses* Oh yeah, I hurt myself. That’s why I’m wearing these gloves. The real reason, I mean. And no, I’m not taking them off. No one gets to see what’s underneath.
[Some time later. It’s now after midnight. The vomit in the hallway got cleaned up, Jack and Stella left to go to their own apartments, and now the rest of them— Dawn, Ryen, and Fierdan— are hanging out in a small room that acts like a lounge. There are couches in the room, but none of them sit down.]
Dawn: *talking about Jack and Fierdan* Things sure are tense between you two, huh? I don’t know what exactly happened, but I think he’s hurt. You should apologize to him.
Ryen: I have to admit I was pissed off at him before, but staying angry isn’t worth it. I can’t even stay focused on anything else besides the news. How can I?
Dawn: Are you going to tell us the news?
Ryen: When Fierdan is like this? No.
Dawn: Didn’t you say it involves him?
Ryen: The both of us, yes. *pauses* Anyway, the—
Fierdan: *sighs* Ryen, you’re acting very weird tonight, and it’s been freaking me out. Dawn, let me just say this. Calling it tense is an understatement. Even when I apologize, he doesn’t accept it. And here’s the thing. I can’t blame him for being angry. Yeah, sure, he’s the one who got hurt. I know that. But his level of hurt is nothing compared to mine.
Ryen: Well, that’s not a healthy way to look at it.
Fierdan: Frankly, I don’t care. Do you have any idea how hurt I felt when I believed he left me for good? Do you know how much it fucking hurts whenever I feel like people I love are going to leave me? Do you know that my brain’s default programming is to go to self sabotage? It’s not pretty, it’s fucked up.. I did so many fucked up things to myself and to other people. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I am and I hate everything about myself.
Dawn: *has a sympathetic tone* No, don’t say that.
Fierdan: Do you want to know the real reason why I made myself get drunk? It was to forget, maybe feel a little better in the short term. Now I’m sobering up, and I feel like shit.
Ryen: I mean, that’s to be expected. That’s what happens.
Fierdan: Ugh, shut up. I got myself fucking drunk to try to forget the shit that happened earlier today. Last night too, probably. I am in so much emotional distress, and I have no idea how to cope with it without depending on drugs. *pauses* I brought up Brock because he’s still on my mind, apparently. He took care of my hands, and for some reason, I ended up nearly kissing him. I don’t even know why. Then I said some mean things to him, so he hates me now too. Damn, the list of people who hate me keeps getting longer and longer. I do too though, so it’s fine. But it still hurts a fuck ton.
Ryen: I know you’re struggling, but being reliant on alcohol isn’t worth it. I don’t want to see you making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. I don’t want you going down that same dark path.
Fierdan: Yeah, yeah. I should know better. I’m such a fucking idiot. *sighs* I know you’ve always hated me, Ryen.
Ryen: I don’t hate you. You just.. frustrate me sometimes. We don’t really understand each other, but.. well.. I’d like for that to change. I have anger issues, but I’m trying to become a better older brother to you and Dawn. It’s going to be hard, knowing us, but I’m trying.
Dawn: I second what he said. *looks at Fierdan’s gloved hands* Can I please check your hands? I want to make sure they’re okay.
Fierdan: No! You always do this shit, and it only proves how you’re so much of a better person than I am.
Dawn: No, I just want to help.
Fierdan: And that’s the problem! You’re always so willing to help me and perform healing magic on me. I don’t want to be healed by you.
Dawn: I can make your physical pain disappear. Won’t that make things better?
Fierdan: You two are just mocking me at this point. You’re both superior to me. I get it!
Ryen: That’s not true. We don’t think we’re better—
Fierdan: Oh, shut up! I know what you and the rest of them think. God, you’re getting on my nerves.
Ryen: *frowns* Just let us see your hands.
Fierdan: And then what? So you’ll think about how I’m so fucked up. ‘Why would he do this to himself? What the hell is fucking wrong with him?’ Yeah, no thanks.
Dawn: *her tone is completely different* Fierdan, you really do think you’re the only one who has ever really suffered. Do you honestly think you’re better than Ryen and what he did? You think you’re so much better. But you’re not.
Fierdan: *slowly turns to face Dawn* Dawn, what are you saying?
Ryen: Wait, what? Fierdan—
Dawn: You disgust me. You sure love making yourself out to be the protagonist. Do the rest of them even know what you did? *laughs coldly* Of course they don’t. It’ll ruin their image of you. *steps closer to Fierdan* Here’s the thing. You are evil, capable of heinous things, a person beyond redemption. *breathes in, breathes out, stares Fierdan in the eye despite their height difference* Your plan was to kill Z., then to kill me, and to finish it all off, to kill yourself. Homicide and suicide. That’s what you really wanted. Don’t deny it. After killing me, you wanted to kill yourself out of guilt.
Fierdan: Stop it! Please stop it.
Dawn: And why should I? You fucking traumatized me. I have amnesia and a broken identity because of you. It’s not just because of what happened to my parents. It’s not only Z.’s fault. It’s yours as well. You’re both to blame.
Fierdan: *turns around to face Ryen, glares at him* You have no right to think you’re better than me. Sure, I might have wanted to murder Dawn at some point like how I murdered the monster known as our father, but at least I didn’t know all about what Z. did to her behind closed doors and keep it to myself. At least I wasn’t complicit.
Ryen: What the hell?
Fierdan: You knew about the abuse and didn’t do anything. You knew about the ways he touched her, and you didn’t do shit about it. You even tried preventing me from finding out. But I eventually did. How many times could it have not happened if you didn’t stay fucking complicit?
Dawn: And what do you know? He didn’t do anything to you. He didn’t touch you, didn’t manipulate you, didn’t break your literal brain. You won’t ever understand the hell that Ryen and I have gone through. Yet you’re adamant that you’re the most severely traumatized. You had it off easy! He only said some mean things to you. Ryen and I wish that was the worst he ever did to us.
Ryen: *frowns* What the hell could I have done back then? I was also a child. I couldn’t defy Z. in such a major way. He terrified me too, you know.
Fierdan: *yells* You could at least have been not so fucking complicit in the goddamn rapes! You could have done something instead of allowing it to continue happening.
Dawn: And what did you do? You didn’t do anything either. I was raped over and over again, and what did you do to stop it? Nothing!
Fierdan: I fucking killed him for you! I held so much rage and resentment directed at him and all he did for so many years, and I finally got revenge for you by killing him in such a brutal way. Don’t you dare say I didn’t do anything.
Dawn: And what did that achieve? You killed him for you, not for me. Don’t conflate the two.
Fierdan: I hated what he did to you. As anyone should. He’s despicable. He’s a fucking child predator.
Dawn: You only ended up traumatizing me in a different way from him. You’re no savior.
Ryen: Shut up, Fierdan. You’ll never know the full story. *sighs* Z. sexually abused me as well. In different ways, obviously, but he still… *shakes head* Fuck! It’s why I have complex trauma, C-PTSD, and all that comes with it. Compared to Dawn and myself, you’re the sibling who should have ended up the most normal. But oh no, you’re all up in the ‘woe is me, no one gets me, I’m the most broken and fucked up person in existence’ attitude. You don’t know shit about other people’s traumas since you refuse to listen and—
Fierdan: Stop assuming things about me! I constantly dismiss my trauma since the context and how it happened to me is so fucked up. I wish I had a simple and straightforward explanation for mine like you do. And ignoring the whole Soulless stuff and how it violated my body and mind in the most corrupt ways imaginable, I was still literally tortured. Sure, I might not have been abused physically and sexually at ages as young as you two were, but it still happened to me and traumatized me beyond repair. I’m broken from it too, but it wasn’t by my own dad, so it must’ve not been as bad for me. That’s it, right?
Ryen: I’m not dismissing your trauma and PTSD, I’m just trying to make you understand that we’re all severely traumatized each in our own way. You’re not the most broken.
Fierdan: Hmm, I suppose. Like how Dawn has been questioning something huge for such a long time now but refuses to open up about it.
Ryen: What are you talking about?
Fierdan: Go on, Dawn. Say it.
Dawn: *is back to her original tone* What is happening? How long was I out? Why were you saying those things? Who were you talking to, Fierdan?
Ryen: *takes a deep breath* I’m not sure what happened. He suddenly started yelling at you, talking about things I’d rather not repeat, without listening to what you were saying. And then after we started mentioning some other things, I guess you dissociated. You didn’t say anything for a while. Are you okay, Dawn?
Fierdan: What.. what are you talking about? Didn’t you hear Dawn in her aggressive tone? You had to have heard what she said.
Ryen: No, what are you talking about? She only wanted you to take your gloves off, and you decided to start yelling about abuse and trauma.
Fierdan: Stop messing with me! We all had a lengthy conversation about—
Ryen: It was just me. I ended up saying some things about the childhood abuse Dawn and I were victim to. Dawn didn’t say anything about it. She couldn’t.
Fierdan: She started it! She brought it all up in the first place.
Dawn: I.. I just asked if you could take your gloves off, so I could see your hands. I want to know if.. if you’re okay. But clearly you’re not.
Fierdan: Fuck! You’re all master manipulators, great deceivers, who enjoy screwing me over.
Ryen: ‘Master manipulator’ this, ‘master manipulator’ that. What does that even mean?
Fierdan: Stop it! Just.. stop.
Ryen: Oh, that’s right. You told me you suffer from psychosis.
Fierdan: Shut up! I know what I saw and heard. I know it’s real.. it had to be.
Dawn: *speaks softly* Fierdan—
Fierdan: Get rid of your fake kindness. I know what you really think about me. You probably hate me the most out of everyone who has ever hated me. You don’t need to keep up the lie. I know the truth.
Dawn: Okay, uh, Ryen. Do you have any idea what Fierdan is talking about? I don’t hate him.
Fierdan: Bullshit! I know you do. At least one part of you does. A part of you despises me, deservedly and with reason.
Ryen: Stop it, Fierdan. Whatever you think you’re doing, it’s not going to slide. Quit it now.
Fierdan: I know what’s real and what isn’t, you fucking asshole!
Ryen: Well, you clearly don’t. Just go to sleep and start taking your antipsychotic.
Fierdan: You’re manipulating me now too? Fuck you.
Dawn: We’re concerned about you.
Fierdan: Fucking stop it! You really make me want to kill you right now.. just like how you recently brought it up with me and reminded me of all that.
Dawn: *eyes widen* I didn’t say anything about that. I don’t remember anything about you wanting to kill me.
Fierdan: Of course not. It wasn’t you, after all.
Dawn: Yes. *pauses* Wait, what?
Fierdan: It was another part of you. A different broken, fragmented part of yourself that’s not currently.. present here.
Dawn: I have no idea what you mean.
Fierdan: You know what I mean! Stop denying it!
Ryen: Ignore him, Dawn. He’s been drunk, so he can’t be reliable.
Fierdan: I sobered up!
Ryen: No, you didn’t. The only honest talk we had was in the bathroom.
Fierdan: I was honest then, yes, but I’ve been honest all this time since then.
Ryen: I still don’t understand your psychosis. It still feels so out there, but *shrugs* what do I know?
Dawn: It doesn’t make sense. Not in the sense that delusions and hallucinations are—
Ryen: How it happens and why. The details. I know. *glances back at Fierdan* You’re not faking this to be dramatic, are you?
Fierdan: What the fuck? Do you honestly think I’m faking all this shit just to be dramatic and gain more attention? Do you think I’m destroying all these relationships for shits and giggles?
Ryen: Well, we don’t know.
Fierdan: Exactly. You don’t know shit. How fucking dare you accuse me of faking!
Ryen: It just doesn’t make sense.
Fierdan: Fuck you both. *storms out of the room*
Ryen: *sighs, mutters under his breath* Well, things didn’t go as well as I hoped. Chances of reconciliation are off the table.. for now. We only have a few months left.
————————————
End of Confessions, part 9.
I said that a lot happens in this part. I am an emotional mess after finishing it.
What is Ryen hiding from them? It’s a secret. Perhaps it consists of plans for the next skit story arc. >:)
Now we know more things about some of their pasts. Ah ouch, oh geez. </3
Fierdan sure does swear a lot. He must love saying the f word. I lose count of how many times he says it in a skit part. I wonder how many times he said it in this one. The number is probably pretty high. I just feel off not letting him say it. That’s just how he is.
I haven’t written a proper appearance of Fierdan being drunk in such a long time. If at all. I think I did with Duke a few years ago. I planned on writing a part where he’s drunk for a while now. Fierdan is a special kind of drunk. He sure is a character. I have way too many feelings about him, and they sure aren’t all positive.
Jack is also just tired. He’s had a long few days. He needs rest. I mean, they all do, but he is in desperate need of it. So are the others, but like.. idk.
Dawn is.. she is.. [redacted, information withheld]
Next part in the Confessions arc coming soon! Almost at the end. We’re almost there.
I have a feeling that this part was the longest, but I’m too lazy to check. Oh well.
That’s all I have for this round of immediately after the skit notes. Bye.
~ Shan/Shyrah (the person writing all these posts, as always~)
