..

Probably gonna be away from here and other online things for a bit.

I messed up. I messed up really, really badly.

It's entirely my fault. I'm such an idiot.

Gosh.. I hate myself a lot right now.

School starts tomorrow. Stupid me thought it starts a few days later. I was wrong. So wrong, so stupid.

11th grade.. great.

Don't be surprised if I don't make new posts daily for a while. I'm busy on weekends now too. And I have to do a lot of schoolwork. Yes, even though school hasn't officially started for me yet.

Of course when the school year kicks in and all that, I'll have a lot of schoolwork I need to do. And on top of that, SAT class homework too.

rip me rip

*frantically wishes myself good vibes for the first days of school*

Goodbye.

here comes a post

Hello. ^-^'

The Dairy Queen ice cream was yummy, haha.

Um.. well.. the past few days I've been stressed and scared of lots of things. And that day was bad. Very bad. When things that involve me get bad emotionally, the chances of me being physically sick are higher. Words people say can hurt a whole effing lot.

Ok. Ok.

But Sunday, the actual day, was better. At least kinda.

The book I have to read is hecka conplex. Confusing in a way. Since it's a memoir (I think so anyway), it doesn't really have a single ongoing plot. There's a lot of small plots. And of course, I'm never that interested in the required summer reading books I have to read for school. Eh, a bunch of people are like that though.

Went to the movies. Wow, that movie. Wow, violence. Wow, wow.

Haha, the post title. I've been listening to "Here Comes A Thought" (another Steven Universe song) a bunch of times. Mm, that's a nice calming song. Good indeed.

Pfft, here comes a post. Such a creative title. Smh.

Ah, I like mental health apps. They're nice. Been on the few I have for a little while yesterday.

Oh and those B vitamins. Those are good. Vitamins are good. Uh.. yes.

I woke up so early (idk like 2 hours ago).. what the heck.

I'm starting this SAT prep course next Sunday. Ugh, test prep.

Today's Labor Day. That's good I guess.

Um.. I'm tired. I know, wow, what a shocker.

Um.. Teen Idle is also stuck in my head. I haven't even listened to that song for so long until yesterday. But yes.. yes. Marina is great.

Oh.. right. The 6th AJ cake I posted about? Well, I found out from another blog (that's actually an AJ blog lol) that I only did half the steps. Pfft, I'm not even good enough at AJ cake steps. //shot

I clicked everywhere on the cake though when I did it. And several times. Nothing changed after that step for me.

Why AJ, why you do this.

Haha, funny thing. Funny for me anyway. So, haha, posting personal things on here is kinda like therapeutic (idk if that's even the right word) when I'm actually typing things out. Letting out feelings is good. But when I'm done typing, ugh, I regret it and feel more uncomfortable.

Oh well, still gonna do it anyway.

How wonderful it is when my brain likes to replay all those bad things people that I'm close to have said to me. Psst, it's not wonderful.

*replays that Steven Universe song*

Heck.

I should end this post.

send me positivity and i'll love you forever

Hello! How was your day? Saturday was terrible and way worse than these other past days! :'))

This Melanie Martinez song has been stuck in my head for several hours now because I have found the lyrics relatable. Especially because of some events from Saturday.

Cuz I just do.

I'm a f*cking crybaby. Ah yes. Very true. Much truth.

: ) emotional manipulation and being yelled at and when he's basically saying how i have no hope for living a successful future because i'm an introvert and have anxiety like mm wow those avpd symptoms irl *cough f*cking cough* idgaf if my words are offensive i am a bad person and everything is my fault, get on with the program. and yeah omfg i know i'm something along the lines of "depressed" (oops gotta put that in quotation marks to not offend anyone even though my doctor says it might be so that i have that and was almost gonna get help but oh no change of plans not gonna do that anymore mm ok). like ok, telling someone with depression symptoms both mentally and physically for quite a few+ months now that they're ruining their own future and that all they say is "bull f*cking sh*t" does not help at all. ok. no. it doesn't help. and when that person gets intrusive thoughts quite often that are about death and dying because i have literally no plans for the future and have no talents and college is soon and 0/10 on social skills sure helps when he says i'm ruining my life and future in all ways possible. mm so helpful. good job but also screw you ok screw him. oh and then making us go into dairy queen like no big deal not like i just yelled at my daughter and made her feel more like sh*t and a hopeless failure. like yes it's all cool not like you might've just pushed me into having a f*cking anxiety attack. but since it's a public place i gotta hide and make it quiet or else people will start staring at me. oh wait my nose was running and my eyes were red. ha ha ha. oh and then bring her into this because she was trying to help me and getting mad because i'm texting my sister since we're talking about nice fun things. like wtf omfg. like no sh*t i'm not like them. wow wow it's pretty f*cking obvious. and get pissed off at us before because i was reading my summer reading book for school. thought you wanted me to do that lmao. oh and then after dairy queen just drive home and laugh at the tv like whatever glad to know you're happy while me and her aren't and had the chances of having good days being shattered. that's just f*cking fantastic. *slow claps* : )

:')) *screams*

It's this song. Crybaby. I'm one. Are you one? Nice, nice.

rip me end me

You seem to replace
Your brain with your heart
You take things so hard
And then you fall apart

You try to explain
But before you can start
Those cry baby tears
Come out of the dark

Someone's turning the handle
To that faucet in your eyes
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

Your heart's too big for your body
It's why you won't fit inside
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

They call you cry baby
Cry baby
But you don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
So you laugh through your tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause you don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
We'll just let them drown

We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby

You're all on your own and
You lost all your friends
You told yourself that
It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind
And no one understands
But those cry baby tears
Keep coming back again

Someone's turning the handle
To that faucet in your eyes
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

Your heart's too big for your body
It's why you won't fit inside
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

They call you cry baby
Cry baby
But you don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
So you laugh through your tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause you don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown

I look at you and
I see myself
And I know you better
Than anyone else

And I have the same faucet in my eyes
So your tears are mine

They call me cry baby
Cry baby
But I don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
I laugh through my tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause I don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
I just let them drown

Cry baby, cry baby
I just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
I just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown

rip me end me

Anyway, I'm thinking of making a comfort box one day. If I ever become motivated and determined enough to actually make one, that is.

I just really like the idea of it.

If you don't know what a comfort box is, this page should be helpful at explaining what it is.

http://www.selfcareumbrella.com/art-therapy/make-a-comfort-box-2/

Yeah ok. Oh and this post title? Mm yes. Send me positivity things and I will love you forever.

Ew gross I'm sounding needy. F*ck frick ffffffffffffff

lol i was thinking of making a post complaining about my way-too-thick hair this past morning

rip that post idea

rip all my wasted potential

rip for that guy who never knew my commercial skits

rip my self

rip

It's September (meh)

Hi welcome back to my cruddy blog. :^)

I can't stay on here too long. I'm probably gonna end up making this post pretty long though. Ha, ha.

I was very stressed and on the verge of tears when I made that last post. I'm still very stressed. Been feeling pretty bad about some stuff. That school stuff I gotta do. This morning too. Parents just love to state the obvious when I already know it's completely my fault and I'm a shif person. I've been working on the project part of the huge amount of summer work a lot earlier today. I'm the one to blame since I signed up for that class. :'))

Oh and it's great when I'm trying to sleep and my stomach starts aching as well. Yay. :'))

I had this dream last night, but it wasn't that much of a bad dream. Now that's something different. It was about me being in this irl meet-up where I met the small group of my online friends. One of them had this twin. He was like the leader. I was confused because I didn't know any of them had a twin brother. Then we all hung out downtown. It was pretty cool. Then we went to one of their houses, but it vaguely reminded me of my grandma's house. Then I got separated from the rest of the group. I woke up sleeping in a diver's position on top of this couch. When I woke up, this old lady was teaching me how to dive. Then the rest of the group came to the room we were in. Uh.. I don't remember the rest.

But then I had this other dream that I was sleeping in my actual bed. And in that dream I was dreaming about the blog post I made yesterday. I was thinking I made that post at 12 am, but I actually didn't. Then in the dream, I thought I woke up at 7:30 am, but it turned out to be 4:12 am but also pm.

Wait a sec.. is it called lucid dreaming when you're aware that you're dreaming about dreaming? Hmm.. interesting.

Oh man, I only have a week of freedom left. Until back to school and more sadness. And, ugh, those awkward tell-the-class-interesting-facts-about-yourself-and-summer for the first two days of school. Man, I hate those. There's nothing interesting about me. My summer too for this year.

I'm so scared to start school because I'm not done with my summer assignments yet. :<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I totally forgot why I had it up, but I decided to check it out. So, hehe, I have some blogging tips for you!

Me: *smiles awkwardly at computer screen and who might also be on the verge of tears yet again today*
Viewers: *slowly clap*
Me: *puts thumbs up directly in front of computer screen*
Viewers: Who even is this blogger... *smh*
Me: I'm.. well.. I don't even know. This blog is a mess.
Viewers: *booing at me*
Me: *has two thumbs up and who might be crying*

So anyway, on the very top left corner of my blog there is this link that says "Best Blogger Tips". I forgot when and why I have that up there, but my guess it's because of some other gadget widget thing. Uh.. I'll add a picture to show what I mean.

I underlined it. It's a link. If you click on those words (Best Blogger Tips), it brings you to this: http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/. I used this site a few times in the past to help me with widgets and such, but I think it also has some blog savvy tips. Perhaps it could help you come up with blogging ideas and ways to become a better blog writer. If I'm not a current wreck then I would take that site's advice. Maybe I would in the future if I have the time and effort to. 

Here are some articles on there that might interest you too (pfft I didn't read any of them either yet): http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/2014/07/6-habits-of-professional-writers-and-bloggers.html#.V8jTvfkrLIU , http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/2014/06/5-ridiculous-blogging-advices-you-must-ignore.html#.V8jUd_krLIU .

There ok I tried to be a helpful person.

*cough * *cough* *sneeze*

I think the time clock gadget isn't glitching as much, The playlist won't show up as often now though. Ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also went on AJ today.

AJ is 6 years old! (code is ajbday6)

Here's it in my den with the clicking steps. I don't know if there's a clicking step I missed. Nothing happened after I was clicking a lot of times. Well, this is what I got at least.

1

2

3

Haha, I kept on making the pictures bigger, I think it's meant to describe the excitement Precious has about the cake. Perhaps the white stuff is made of marshmallows..? Precious sure would love that. 

If you didn't know, I used to make that wolf avatar, who is called Precious (Cutepuppy), be a loony and marshmallow-obsessed wolf. 

But as I've grown older and more (*viewers are booing at me*) I didn't put much effort into making Precious as silly and ridiculous. She's more calm nowadays I guess. (*viewers are booing*)

I also totally forgot about the Summer Carnival. I took some pictures. ;) 

Wow, the accuracy! That's so me! That sad drama face relates to me so well.

There's this evolving sloth stalking me (er, Precious) in a plan to sneak attack. Scary, am I right? Sloths in general look creepy.

Wow, what a time at the carnival. Fun, fun for all! 

Not like I have time for fun, I gotta continue to suffer as I work on my summer work. 

Boo, school.

Ugh, I'm still stressed and scared. *slow claps*

I'm not sure or anything, but I might be forced to go on hiatus. But since I usually blog late at night, nothing's gonna change hopefully. 

Except if I just don't want to blog for a while.

*shrugs*

........

I'm not sure if anyone has caught on, but I tend to use the other green signature when my posts are more serious/I'm feeling lots of negative emotions and they're directly affecting me then and there. Not all of the time, but most of the time. This post seems more positive (ish), so I decided to use the other one instead.

Well, now you know.

Change, huh? Oh..

Oh.. yeah that. Change, huh?

I changed a lot (for the worst), haven't I?

Definitely.

-----------

I went on AJ today, and I didn't get a diamond in the Daily Spin. *gasp*

I got 100 gems instead.

I was going to take a screenshot, but I wasn't in time to take the screenshot.

AJ was being very slow in the Daily Spin, but when the numbers appeared in those boxes/bubbles it disappeared very fast.

Yeah.

----------

The time gadget seems to be glitching on my tech devices.

It's annoying me.

I might have to remove it.

---------

Today has been more "fun" than yesterday.

At least better than a blood and urine test.

Went shopping and got new clothes and sneakers.

I drove there. Haha.

That's all that happened.

My life is boring.

No activity is that much fun to me anymore.

Nowhere irl is fun.

Maybe for an hour or so it is, but not after that.

Then it's back to the same sad, boring life.

Every day is the same. They just seem to blur into each other.

The only thing that differentiates each day is if I go out somewhere or not.

It's just the same old, same old.

Nothing's that interesting, that's all.

What is "fun", anyway?

------------

Yet I still find certain things funny.

I still laugh.

I still have a good time.

Whatever that means.

But life.. life..

It's a dread.

It's the same old, same old.

Days are the same for the most part. The only difference being the dates.

Years aren't much different. They're just longer.

School for 10 out of those 12 months. Summer break for the remaining 2.

Not enjoying yourself and having fun like you're supposed to during summer break. The limited amount of time for a break. And still feeling bored and all those negative emotions like you did during the school year.

The dread lasts year round. And it's going to going to continue into the next year. And the next.

Will it end? Who knows.

I doubt it.

What's the point?

Is there even a point?

I'm not that sure.

All I know is that I sure feel like I'm wasting my life.

Feelings are.. not good.

---------

I was reading my posts on August 31st from last year.

A whole lot has changed.

I brought up change.

Things sure did change.

I didn't expect I would've come to where I am now. That's for sure, haha.

Didn't know I would grow to dread life and enjoy it less.

Wow.

My head and legs hurt.

Ugh.

I also made a skit. About school with those characters of mine.

That was nice.

The past is far nicer than now.

---------

It's hard.

It's hard to be positive and happy, when you're really not.

When nothing in life is much truthfully fun, it's hard to be a fun person.

No activities bring me much enjoyment anymore.

Watching something and listening to music, sure. Guess I like doing those things.

But I want to go do something myself that brings me enjoyment. Something that's fun. Not just another thing to do that doesn't leave much of an effect since every day is mostly the same boring, unhappy cycle.

Nothing I do irl is working.

I hate my art and writings. I'm disgusted by them. I can't even bother to finish them.

I'm not motivated to do much of anything, let alone practice. Practice only to have the same gross results.

I read my skits and embarrass myself over my humor.

I can't help viewing them as stupid and childish/immature now.

I regret a lot of things I've done and been doing.

I keep on regretting things.

But part of me wants to make more skits.

But with who?

But why?

What's the point?

Will anyone even care?

What's the purpose of doing so?

Why bother with me?

I have no ideas that can be entertaining.

I'm not an entertaining blogger anymore.

I can't bother making myself be that way again.

I've let you guys down.

I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

My bad.

-----------

It was a lie.

Wasn't it?

That's not going to really happen.

Isn't it?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Not like doing that would make a change, anyway.

-----------

Happiness is a foreign concept when you're weighted down by other emotions such as:

Fear.

Fear of the future because you're well aware that nothing is going to get easier.

Fear of life in general, basically.

Guilt.

Guilt of things you've said in the past and the ways you worded them.

Guilt of not finishing the huge amount of summer work you have to do for school, and while school is just around the corner. Starting real soon. I have the same math teacher I had freshman year. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I hated math class freshman year far more than sophomore year. And great, it's algebra again. Frick.

Apathy.

Not caring much about important things you have to do as much as you used to. Same about people's feelings.

Not being interested in doing any activity yourself.

Tired.

Sleeping for lots of hours at night with the additional afternoon naps, yet still feeling tired.

Tired for being out for too long. Or even staying home and doing just about nothing.

And tired of how you're living your life.

Disappointment, despair, and sadness are the other ones.

The reasons for them relate to the reasons I listed in those other emotions.

It gets difficult to be energetic and happy and !!!!! like I used to be. Especially when I have so much of these emotions.

----------

Sorry.

I'm so scared.

Life isn't gonna be any easier.

It's only gonna be harder from here.

I'm too sick to even pretend to be happy all day long to type up a post. 

It's my fault.

I made myself come this way.

Sorry.

------------

that feel when

Hey guys.

Eh, I'm just gonna type about my day. Kinda?

But before that, I don't know if I said this yet. Anyway, August has been a better month than July. It's not been as bad as late month. With things going on irl. So yeah, I appreciate that.

Ok so this morning.. heck.

That feel when.....

My mom said we were going to do something fun today.

Guess what we ended up doing?

:')"

I ended up having to get a blood test.

Mom lied. The heck!

I hate blood tests. It's just.. ugh. At least the woman was nice and calm. It was also at a new place than the place I used to go to. Nice, oversharing as usual.

But no, that wasn't the part I hated the most. I also had to do that pee-in-the-damn-cup test.

Now that.. that is what I hate doing so much like omg it fills me with rage.

I know it's important and all, but I just hate having to take urine samples. It's so frustrating how they tell me to pee in a cup when I don't even have to pee.

So that was so much fun, mom. Thanks! :))

Well actually we did end up going to Dunkin Donuts afterwards. I got a bagel because I like bagels there.

That's the closest thing to "fun" we did all day. By that I mean go outside and go somewhere else and not the house.

Oh yeah. The summer reading book I'm reading is confusing. It starts with it being in 3rd POV then it suddenly changes to 1st POV. It started being like it was a fictional story, but as it continued I don't know if it's a memoir or something like that. The book doesn't even have a description about it.

Ah, haha, someone voted for the option that's about why I'm not funny anymore.

Nice.

New polls + rambling

Hey there. :) I haven't been able to breathe out of one of my nostrils all day. It's annoying. :(

I have not one, but two, new polls up. Both are pretty lame, but oh well.

*cough* please vote *cough*

Oh and I have another question. (Haha!!)

Is anyone else a sensitive shiz frick unstable wreck that when in public and you see people looking at you/in your direction, you automatically think they're judging you negatively/hate you?

Or is that just a me thing? :') ha ha ha aaaaa

Maybe it's because I tend to have an ugly appearance? #actually_ugly (i hate my hair why hair stop it)

But like, when I'm on the internet (wow that place exhausts me ohh boyy) and see people saying they're ugly on their selfies, my reaction is ????????. Because those people actually do look good. They're cute, handsome.. whatever. Like they look nice. Yet they say they're ugly? Like no, my dude, I'm ugly. You're not. I'm a literal mess of a human mess. I am trash and I live in the trash. I'm one with the trash. If I take a selfie of myself right now, I bet people will think "wow ugh lee :/". Because I'm not a liar like the rest of them freaking 13-15 year olds.

So like I was saying, I recently have this mindset that when strangers look at me, they must hate me.

Well, not even just looking. Like I could be driving, and other drivers would honk at me for "going too slow" even though I'm going under 5 mph under the speed limit. For example, the speed limit is 40, and I drive at 37 mph for a minute or two. Then the drivers in their cars behind me decide to honk at me. The world is cruel ok no wonder I have a general disliking for most people. Ok, ok. Like if someone is honking at me, and it is directed at me, I automatically feel like that person must hate me.

Oh yeah, didn't I tell you guys I have a pretty gosh darn low self-esteem and self-confidence? Well, I do. That's me. Oh, what an unfortunate being.

Here, have another two stories. *cries* rip

A few weeks ago, I was at Costco. And I was standing by my family's shopping cart. But there was also this other person's shopping cart close to where I was standing. So then since I'm me, I zoned out for a few seconds. Like I said, I was just standing there. Then I see the man walk toward me and his shopping cart with a look that's like "hey this is mine go away", and he pushes his shopping cart away from me in a hurry. How rude, I was just looking at what was in the cart for a second. Geez.. :/

Yesterday, I also went food shopping. And I'm standing with the shopping cart next to my dad who takes a while to pick the yogurts (yogurt?). And there's this girl around my age also picking yogurts next to us. And as she was putting the sixth yogurt in her cart, she looked at me for a second and (idk if it's just my crappy brain lol) said "sick" (probably just said "six" though lol). Then she said something like "gotta go" or something and left in a rush too.

Smh, some people can be so rude. No wonder why I'm cautious around new people. Haha, it's more than just shyness.. or is it? Heck, like I know!

It's kinda the same online. But in a different way, if that makes sense? Like whenever I post anything, I can't help feeling that people out there reading my posts hate me. Like ok, I know I've said and done bad things on here in the past. So maybe that's a reason why someone could hate me? But I hate myself for saying that stuff too. I'm trying to change and be a better person (though I'm a pessimist with self-related issues). Ugh, I can't help feeling that I still have viewers who have grudges against me for stuff I've said in the past. Sorry..

And honestly, all kindness seems artificial. It feels like people who are nice to me only view my blog once in a while, so they don't really know me that well.

And on the other hand, sometimes things happen with people and myself. People online, people irl. Both. And bad things happen between said person and I, and sometimes the things get so bad that it has caused me to cry, have a mental breakdown, and have trust issues with said person for a while. And when the bad things settle down and they seem happy around me again.. well, it's not gonna be the same as before. Being hurt that much by people, and then they're nice to me after they've hurt me a few days ago.. honestly, it feels like their happiness around me must be a lie. That I'm a burden around them, but they refuse to say that because they know I'm a sensitive person. Being played with emotionally so many times like a freaking toy, it's hard to be comfortable and not be scared of them to some degree.

It has messed me up. Being mean to me one day, and nice to me the next. What's real??

Not literally all the time, but ever since I was a little kid other people have been this way about me.

Sorry ugh.. had to get that off my chest. ,,,,,,,,

And about that poll, it honestly still shocks me that people acknowledge my existence. Only a few do, but still. It's surprising. People other than myself view my blog. Maybe they even leave comments. It's just.. wow, I'm not invisible then! And getting messages and being asked to join group things, it's just so unusual to me. Because irl people don't do those things with me. I'm a loner type of person. It's just so thrilling and exciting getting messages from people other than my family members, that seeing any message for me makes me so happy. It's different knowing that I'm not being ignored on purpose online. My life away from these internet things have been quite the opposite. I've always lacked a sense of true belonging in a group of people. So being invited and belonging and feeling welcomed in a friend group thing really does mean a lot to me.

Yeah.. me.. ha ha ;;

Getting any positive attention is always exciting for me. And since I'm kinda not used to it, I'm always awkward and it might take me a little while for me to say something.

So that's some Cutepups facts for you guys.

Yay.

<3