Eye Examination (based on future story scene)

But before I go into that...

My clay pot thing is okay! It didn't break or break others. It wasn't mine, so I live. Yee. ;v;

No school on Thursday.. yes woo tf.

I'll color the drawing from last post at another time. I got a good post idea while I was in school today. Ah yes, this. >;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This future story scene takes place before the Grief one I recently posted. 

I'm gonna try to write this more like a proper poem.. which means I have a higher chance of reposting this onto my deviantart.

I think about Duke's black eye a lot, and I bet you have no idea why I draw one of his eyes always black while he's in that form that I call Demonic Duke.

This poem won't start with Duke officially in that demon stage yet. Just a poor sad unfortunate boy. Ah yep heck.

The POV of this poem is from Taurel. Him.. the antagonist, the Savior. The freaky one. Umm.. so yeah.

Warning: body horror, violence 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello, Duke Fierdan. It's a pleasure to meet you again.

Why does it look like you're struggling against my chains? 

I won't allow you to escape. You can't leave.

Don't you know any better, silly boy?

Stop looking away. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

You have no more hair on the top of your head. You can't hide them from me now.

Look at me.

Ah, that's better. I can finally look at them properly.

Your eyes.

Better not move your head. My thumb is on your throat.

Believe me when I tell you that you don't want to be hurt by this hand so soon.

It's not time for my left hand to become a weapon yet.

Right now, I have a series of questions I want answered from you.

I'm very curious.

Your left eye,

Why does it turn purple when you cry?

What is your real eye color?

Is the amber the truth or a lie?

Is your phantom self leaking out of your eye?

Why is it only your left eye that cries out all your hidden lies?

Your right eye,

Why does its color stay the same?

How come your left eye changes but not this one?

Is the amber a concealed flame?

How do you define yourself and your name?

Why is your right eye the stable one?

For both of your eyes,

How did you make them change colors?

Tell me how you did that.

The black, the white.

How did your eyes turn black?

How did your eyes turn white?

Where did your pupils go?

Did your irises disappear with them, too?

Black and white, and black and white.

How did your eyes change from black to white and back again so rapidly?

Amber, purple, black, white.

Get rid of your disguise. I'll figure out your true eye color beneath all your lies.

Your eyes were flashing black and white.

While your eyes were like that, you messed with my comrade.

He was supposed to be the one killing you.

Funny how he was killed.

You must love giving me proof that you're a monster.

It's funny how things end.

The monster shows his true intentions through his eyes.

The killer becomes the killed.

The dominant lowers in submission.

Roles switch from black to white.

You intrigue me, Duke Fierdan.

Why does it turn purple when you cry?

Why is it only your left eye that cries out all your hidden lies?

What is your real eye color?

I am interested in your left eye. 

Let's play a game.

Let's pretend we're in the doctor's office.

I'll be the doctor.

You'll be my patient.

And you're here for your annual checkup.

It's time for your eye examination.

You are showing signs of fear. Don't be afraid. There's nothing to be feared.

These tools only look different. They're nothing more than tools.

I need to observe that left eye of yours.

Look at me. Keep your eyes on me. Don't blink.

Everything will be okay, Duke Fierdan.

I am the Savior, after all.

Knives are boring. They must bore you.

Knives aren't that interesting to us.

That's fine. I have my alternatives.

Stare into the light in front of your eye.

This won't work if you blink.

If you do, this won't end well.

Do not blink.

Will electrocution be a valid option?

Will burning your eye show me your true color?

I'll find out one way or the other. I'll get what I want.

I always get what I want. One way or another.

Burn your eye with this electric light.

Only your left eye.

I'm taking the cover off now.

I have a cage here.

Say hello to my assistant. 

Say hello to my very special tool.

I'm going to observe your eye.

This insect is going to electrocute it.

It's better to see in the light, don't you agree?

This will be fun. Don't move.

Having to kill you won't be nearly as fun.

Be a good patient and participate in this eye examination.

Insert.

Stab.

Electrocute.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Deeper, deeper, deeper.

Bottom of your eye.

Something is leaking out from below your eye.

Shrieking.

Crying.

Nothing.

Does this actually hurt you? Is this really painful?

Or are you lying? 

Is the pain temporary or permanent?

You intrigue me, Duke Fierdan.

Being shot in the head didn't cause you agonizing pain.

But this does?

Is it because your eyes aren't switching from black to white?

Now your left eye is black.

You won't change it to another color.

Why is that?

Did it get burnt out?

All black eye.

Black must be your true color.

Time to pack up my things.

My job as your doctor is finished.

Thanks for coming to your eye examination.

It's not like you had any other choice.

I'm getting bored.

Now show me all of your blood.

I'm very interested in you.

I want to know the real you.

I want you to tell me why.

Tell me why Fierdan is back.

Explain yourself, Duke Fierdan.

I won't stop with our games until I'm satisfied with your answers.

Death is boring. Simply killing you would be easier.

Games are way more fun.

Wouldn't you say so?

I could do this all day.

I know you have a breaking point.

When will you break for me, Duke Fierdan?

I win. You lose.

Fixed Up The Drawing

So.. uh.. that drawing (in two halves) I mentioned earlier? Well, I fixed up my messy and awful drawing lines. I didn't have time to color (or maybe I did- who knows) so I'll try to color it at a later time.

(Psst, I like the right side better.)

(I still hate my art, don't be fooled. It just looks less terrible now that I fixed it.)

So as of now- at 11pm on this October night- that's how I imagine Duke looking in those two different scenes.

Hopefully, it'll look better when it's colored. Coloring the right Duke will be.. fun. That gray though. Oh hmm. I decided to draw him in a hoodie (I'm bad at drawing hoodies, can you tell?) because he looks creepier and uglier without it. 

Oh.. I'm still very bad at drawing open mouths. Ugh.

The background on the left side is gonna be orange, and the background on the right side is gonna be dark gray. Yep mhmm. Sure, Cutepups, sure.

Duke.. what a fool, what a perfect character to vent with. I love him lmao.

3 quarters view, and forward view. Didn't mean to do that, but I guess that happened.

Eww, this still looks so messy like the rest of my drawings. :/ 

Look at this guy. Turning from looking like a girl to looking less like a girl. Oh geez wow. 

I take bad pictures because I like to rush myself and I'm tired of everything anyways.

Ugh.. I keep on drawing right arms like that and then left arms like a different that. Why do I keep on doing this? I don't like it. Drawing error alert, Cutepups.

--------------

I was also more upset than usual (I mean.. *ahem*) because I had trouble shortening my essay when I realized I made it too long after I revised it. Well, I did that now. It's over with. Ah heck.

School again tomorrow. Oh heck. 

Hope I won't want to die even more tomorrow. *wink, wink* ;) ;}

Well.. bye!

~ Cutepups

Mmmmrghfgh

Who made that last post? Me? Hmm, who are they? Don't know them.

Honest ranty vent session is over for today.

Hopefully.

Omg I said I would make that post short, but then I went and typed it for around 50 minutes. Smh Cutepups. 

I'm still sad though. Wtf don't invalidate my sadness and cravings of death, too guys. XD 

First post from yesterday: listened to Paralyzed by NF on repeat. (that made me want to write "I'm paralyzed" so many times lol)

Second post from yesterday: thinking of VLD's Keith vlog. ("idk why I'm this way" lol)

I slept for less than 5 hours. Oh gee.

Anyway,,,,,

I feel like my art class is gonna kill me (or make me want to... die) tomorrow. I don't really feel like explaining why I feel that way. Let's just say I'm stupid when it comes to clay and making pots. Geez, I feel so bad. I feel like mine destroyed hers. ;-; sorry,,,,,

I hate B days, wtf. :( XD 

Oh and the math teacher I have now isn't gonna stay much longer. Turns out my real math teacher is a strict person who yells at people. Haha.. great. Math is gonna be hell yet again. :"}

I'm so scared, wtf. :0 :( 

So then that'll mean I'll have two strict teachers back to back... f a n t a s t i c.

Lmao when people tell me indirectly that I shouldn't be sad, oops sorry lol. Doesn't make me any less sad. Doesn't make me passively think of killing myself less. Whoops.

I don't think that anyone truly understands how fvcked I am in life nowadays. I'm so fvcked. My life is screwed.

What else........

Oh. That.

When I said I hate my art and that my art is bad, I was saying that as a general statement about my newest art. I hate it so much, sorry lol.

But then I just finished fixing up one half of my newest drawing to accompany that Grief post. Duke in this form looks so different than what any of you guys would view him as. 

It's towards the very end of the story. Duke actually looks like a guy and not a girl, lmao. His body looks messed up because it's after the torture chapters and deaths. Post- R+T... damn son. 

Oh and his face might look even more messed up because of the overpowering Soulless. Duke is like their vessel, I guess. So.. yeah, how unfortunate.

I still hate the first half of the drawing a lot. I messed it up so much. I'll try to fix it though.

Oh and if you didn't get my memo, I'm gonna make those two characters I mentioned in that Grief post die in the story. At very different times though. And no, Duke doesn't kill them. Neither does Fierdan. They die from other reasons. Ah yes, pain. Ouch.

Ardere's death: Duke- loud reaction, screaming, crying, messy hair, can't properly escape

Finny's death: Duke- silent reaction, numb, mostly emotionless, doesn't have much hair, can walk, stays to take Finny out of the rubble and smoke

Me: makes my blond characters die or already be dead

Huh.. oh hmm... ahh........ 

Ugh, I got work to do. I'll be back here later. 

~ Cutepups

Umm so ......tw.....

I'm about to go to bed, so I'm gonna try and keep this short.

Ok so here's the thing.

I haven't been thinking of any new skit ideas I could post. So I kinda doubt I'll make any skits for this week. 

I think I'll just type up some more posts like that other one I made today.

Yeah.. uh...

In an odd way, I find so much comfort in Duke nowadays. And that must be silly. Because it's him. But like, I do.

I'm impulsive, too. I'm on edge, too. I also think I'm losing it. I feel like I end up hurting the few people I'm close with intentionally and unintentionally. And I've been trying to write in a more artistic or poetic way that I want to die more than ever. 

I constantly see things on positivity sites that say grades don't define you. But like.. it does. It defines your future. 

When I say I'm stupid or I'm a fool, I'm not exaggerating and seeking attention or pity or whatever. It's the truth. And the worst part is, I can't even bother to motivate myself to care that much. I ruined myself, and I don't even care. I'm not even motivated to recover. 

The only thing I see myself as in college is this: I feel so miserable, I become a shy and socially awkward outcast because starting new things and talking to new people give me anxiety, and I'll become even more paranoid that everyone hates me and would be better off without me being anywhere. 

I freaking can't see myself as happy. I'm not happy now, and I won't be happy then probably. So what is there to look forward to? Heh, nothing.

The only thing I'm looking forward to right now is Stranger Things season 2. That's honestly it. I have nothing else to look forward to that will make me happy. Wow, a show. Watch it in 2 days, and then you'll have nothing left, Cutepups. Great job.

I don't think I can go a day without thinking of myself wanting to die. But hey lmao, life is good, right? I don't think I've ever felt this overwhelmed and had this much pressure before. 

Damn it, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. 

Oh and I'm frustrated because of this other thing. Well, there's a lot of things- here's only one.

My family (especially my dad) tells me that if I need help with anything, I can go to them with the said assignment or whatever and ask for help. 

Well anyway, I did just that a few hours ago. (Way to go, Cutepups. Asking for help is a good thing.)

Yeah but haha, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

They ended up condemning me for going up to them for help. Haha, sorry about that. Don't freaking lie to me then. 

"Is it supposed to be done by now? Why are you still working on it? It's supposed to be perfect by now."

Ugh ok thanks a lot. :)))) 

Honestly, I know this will make me sound like an @sshole, but...

Reading messages from my friend that say stuff like "I want to kill myself" piss me off so much. 

Fvck you, Cutepups. You don't know what's going on internally with said friend. 

........................ I don't know why I'm this way. Maybe it's because I'm paranoid of what my friends tell me because what they text me and what their actions are irl don't really match up. Maybe I'm so cold and irritable irl because people lost my trust so I can't handle opening up about myself. Maybe I have trust issues. Wait no. I know I do. And nothing can change that. I try so damn hard to not let it show that people have hurt me, but they still freaking did. I'm still hurt over those things. I still have trust issues over you people for what happened. I know you people (irl, online) said you care about me, but it clearly doesn't look that way. Especially towards people irl. I bet they actually don't lmao. ........ Maybe it's because I don't trust their words that say "I want to kill myself" because I've been having suicidal ideation (thoughts? idk how to word sh!t, I'm sorry) for so long which makes me think that whoever I'm close to that tells me stuff like that must be lying and saying it as a joke.  

I don't want to reread this. I'm sorry. If I do anything, I doubt anyone will honestly care in time. Dying.. seems so easy. Like I could just die anytime. Huh wow.

The other day when I was driving (with my friend too, haha I suck) I could have been in a car crash twice. Lmao hey I suck and should die, yo whaddup. Yeah man, I hate driving and I'm seen as a weirdo for that. Great. Fantastic. 

Another way to die. Oh mm. Crashing the car. But I won't do it on purpose despite how much I want to sometimes. Cars are expensive, you know. 

(What's with all the death talk, Cutepups?) 

Oh are you concerned? :-)

(No, go fvck yourself.)

: ) 

Haha, why don't I give myself a fvcking reward if I don't end up attempting to kill myself before 2017 is over? :^) 

I have two classes that have some freshmen in it. And in both classes, they're better at me at the assignments in the said classes. Woo, my self-esteem is non-existent. 

Oh and I can't even draw anymore. Great. Fun. Fantastic. Fvcking kill me please.

I hate myself and my art so much. My art is getting worse. My poetry is getting worse. I'm getting worse. 

Oh and it also pisses me off to no end whenever I hear or read things that say "I have no friends".. umm, stfu. Shut the fvck up. 

Everyone I see or hear say that is a bunch of goddamn liars. 

I don't trust anybody but myself now. I can't even bother with other people's bs.

I literally am an outcast at my school. I have only one friend irl now. If she even is my friend- which she probably is, to be honest. But other than that, I am alone and have nobody.

And the other two who I call my best friends (lol true that) are my internet friends who live very far away from me. So that's that.

It's lonely having no friends I can truthfully confide in. It's lonely having just about no one there for you. It freaking sucks.

And I can't even properly socialize at all anymore, so that loses my chances of gaining any new friends irl. 

Only having supportive friends online is painful. Being a loner irl hurts. 

Having no classmates that actually care about me is quite painful. Ha, haa.

I'm just so done and tired of everything. Ugh, I'm sorry if you read all this crap. 

A ranty vent. That's what this is.

Well, humor doesn't always work effectively. 

And if I ask for help, they won't help me. Or they will only give me fake help. 

People seem fake. People lie.

I'm also a person, so I guess those terms apply to me as well.

I've been listening to music by NF a lot recently. Listening to music is probably the only thing I'll never get sick of and will always enjoy doing. 

Well, I had a dream the other night. It was about how the songs I were listening to were bad because the singers were bad people. So in this dream, I felt guilty for listening to the songs I enjoyed listening to. And no, they actually aren't bad people.. I think.

Music is probably the only thing that'll always make me happy no matter what. Well, not happy happy. Just.. better. 

Can't escape this hell of the living. Thanks so much, Hell Brain.

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups 

. . . . . . . . 

I'm sorry. Bye.

Based on Future Story Scene: Grief

Hi, I'm gonna make a few posts like this. It might help me remember certain scenes and emotions in future Twinkle's Story scenes. Most of the ones I have in mind make me feel... pain.

I planned for the writing to be formatted in a way that looks messy and disorganized. It relates to the emotions. Umm so yeah. 

This one is called "Grief" as you can see. It's about the sudden grieving of character deaths. Characters do die in the story. There are death scenes. Yes, very painful. I love making myself suffer, hahaa. 

Oh and...... 

Most posts like these would be about Duke. As in Duke's POV.

Scenes with Duke in future chapters are... painful. It hurts. This isn't a skit, so he isn't a stupid funny fool here. 

Anyway... I love him so much. I love my fiery @sshole son. 

Oh and that 12 PM thing? That's a personal poem, unrelated to the story. I have a few other personal poems in mind. I don't know if I'll actually post them. Yeah uhh, sensitive content in that one. Death implied themes. Yeah... heck.

I'm gonna use swear words in this. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No, no, no.

No.

Where are you? 

Where the HELL are you?!

Numb. Everything is numb. 

Your body is numb.

You are numb.

The smoke is everywhere. Bullets continue flying. Everything is so loud. 

But it's only background noise.

I know it's so loud, but I can't hear a thing.

Silence. Everything is silent.

You were just lying there. 

Take my hand.

Your body is getting cold.

Why did you have to DIE?

It should have been ME.

Why am I still ALIVE?

I'm the one who is supposed to be DEAD.

I'm numb. I'm paralyzed.

You died because of me.

Damn it.

I'm the one who was supposed to DIE.

It wasn't supposed to be you.

It didn't HAVE TO BE YOU.

It was SUPPOSED TO BE ME.

You are supposed to be ALIVE.

Then why am I holding your dead body?

You were supposed to hold me.

I was supposed to be your dead body to carry.

I can't move. I'm paralyzed.

They were right. I am a monster.

I SHOULD HAVE DIED.

I'm sorry.

I'm SO FUCKING SORRY.

I'm sorry that you got hurt in the crossfire.

I really didn't mean to hurt you.

But I guess that doesn't matter.

Everyone gets hurt.

Because of me.

You didn't have to die.

You deserve to LIVE.

I deserve to DIE.

Why the FUCK am I not DEAD yet?!

Fuck this. Fuck everything.

You are a good person. You were always a good person.

This world is hell. Everything is so fucked up. Damn it.

Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't fucking matter- DO YOU UNDERSTAND? 

You are good.

You are dead.

Can someone tell me.

WHY?

Why is the bad person alive?

Why is the good person dead?

This isn't fair! Nothing about this is fair.

My body hurts. Everything hurts.

It hurts. It hurts like hell.

I can't move. It wasn't because of them.

You made me paralyzed.

You made me become numb.

It's your fault! 

You should have LIVED, and I hope you know that.

But of course you don't.

Because here I am taking you out of the rubble.

This hell I created. I'm a monster.

Because here I am holding your corpse in my arms.

.......................

I can't move.

I can't see.

I can't speak.

I am paralyzed.

Take me then, damn it! I couldn't save them. I have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't fucking care anymore. I'm sick of being a player in this game called Hell.

Do whatever the hell you want with me. 

Just kill me already!

I wasn't supposed to exist.

I'm not supposed to be alive.

By killing them, you killed me too.

Then why am I still breathing? Why is my heart still beating?

This can't be considered living. This isn't being alive.

Then why am I not dead? 

..............

I'm so sorry.

I already miss you.

I missed you.

I miss you so much.

I loved you.

I loved you so much.

You made me happy when nobody and nothing else could.

You showed me that good people exist.

But now you're gone.

You left me behind.

I can't live without you.

I'm in the state between life and death.

This isn't living. Without you, I can't be alive.

These tears feel like acid.

My throats feels raw.

It hurts so much.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't save you.

I couldn't protect you.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

I always did.

I'm sorry I didn't save you.

I'm sorry I was too late.

This isn't real.

I'm dreaming.

I'm hallucinating.

Right?

Wrong.

This is very real.

This is real.

I'm alive and you're dead, but it should have ended the other way around.

I'm so sorry.

I'll never stop remembering the memories we shared.

I never forgot them.

I remembered all of them.

You are gone, and you can't come back.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Ardere, I loved you like a brother.

I wanted to adopt you if I could, but now it's too late.

You're dead.

Finny, you're my best friend.

I wanted us to become something more, but now it's too late.

Because now you're dead.

In the middle of the crossfire.

Where it should have been me.

I'm sorry we can't have that future together.

I love you, and I'm so fucking sorry.

I never expected me to make that final goodbye.

Sorry for saying sorry so much.

It's just that.

I'm so sorry.

For everything.

Goodbye.

12 PM

It's another weekend

Light shines through the window 

Sit up in bed

Another night, another nightmare 

Even when I'm walking through dreamland 

The movies that play in my head show me that

My brain hates me

I'm my own worst enemy 

I end up being my own attacker

I secure and enforce my own insecurities 

I feed my own demons 

Even if I'm unconscious 

Look at the time

The clock reads 12 

It's 12 pm 

It's already the afternoon

Guess I wasted half my day again

Guess I'm only good at wasting my life 

"Why do you wake up so late?"

Maybe I stay in my room so much

And maybe I sleep so much on the weekends

Maybe the reason is because 

I like wasting my life

This is barely living

I'm barely living 

Even though I'm fine

On the outside 

Since that's the only part that really matters 

No I'm actually not alive 

I've been dead for years

How else can I explain I have no future?

I'm only a ghost after all

You've only been talking to a ghost

A ghost that looks like a human 

I can't stand myself and how I'm 

Living my life this way

I despise everything about myself

This isn't how people are supposed to live

I'm not supposed to be living

Oh not this way 

Not at all 

Look at the clock 

It reads 12 pm

I have a love-hate relationship with sleeping

My brain attacks me with its thoughts the most

When I'm asleep 

Well maybe I sleep so much because I 

Don't enjoy knowing I'm still alive nowadays

I'm so tired of this life

Or maybe the real reason is

I'm too scared to be awake and live my life

Fear is the only feeling that stays to the end 

So I'll just stay in my bedroom 

Which is my own personal hell

And I'll continue to 

Sleep my life away

It's a safe alternative to being dead anyway

Like a free trial 

Look at the clock again

It's 1 pm

Time to go to sleep

Why are you stopping me?

I don't want to be awake (alive) 

I don't want to leave sleep behind 

Sleep is death

Now please let me

Sleep 

Inktober: Days 8 - 14

It's been another week of October, so here's Inktober week #2.

Yet again, I drew all of these with just my Sharpie and the theme being Twinkle's Story.

I drew all of these in a rush. They all look very, very bad. Sorry lmao.

Featuring captions such as:

- wtf lmao ?????

- Fierdan , Soulless ???

- eww wtf

- Bad Art, S >:(

- that's not better

- killmefvckthis 

..... all for #9. Smh.

Blegh ok fine.

Day 8: Crooked

I drew Demonic Duke because that's the only thing I could think of for crooked. That spoiler look though. There's a reason he lost he his hair. I have reasons ok I know he looks ugly. Anyway lmao umm hmm. I drew him like this for the crooked theme because parts of his body get injured (oh mutilation huh). Crooked evil smile, odd angled neck, crooked fingers. Oh and I drew him in his story form. Not that actual human look. It's like part-fox, part-human, part-demon. Yeah umm. Not really looking like a fox here though. He looks more human.. yeah sure lol. He also lost his tail. Maybe? Not that sure yet.

Day 9: Screech

Read above for my captions. Fierdan,, he screeches. Soulless looks like that thing character demon thing from Mob Psycho 100 here, what the fvck. I can't draw Soulless evil, only as a meme freaking thing, so I hate myself and deserve to die.

Day 10: Gigantic

I drew that giant m'fvckin Electro Fly. Umm.. spoilers. It's gigantic so there. Oh and... I can't draw fireflies =C.

Day 11: Run

Decided to draw something a little different. It's from the old past story days. From what I call "Season 1" :}. He run, she run. Run. It's when Duke and Twinkle are holding hands and running away from civilization lmao these fools. Running away from either the hospital or the Tall Tower... uh, I forgot, whoops.

Day 12: Shattered

Any character? Is it Duke, Fierdan, Ryen, Dawn, Twinkle, Taurel, Calliah, Risak? I don't know lmao. It's supposed to symbolize the brokenness of my characters. Their shattered selves. That's one of my writing themes. They're all broken in their own unique ways. That's true.. yes, for all of them. This one looks horrible, I know. I can't do this. I'm sorry. :'( 

Day 13: Teeming

I drew that savage Duke scene that's also a spoiler because of course it is. Duke and the (most TM) Black Flames. Lots of black, lots of fire. Damn son,, don't mess with him lol please don't.

Day 14: Fierce 

I draw Duke too much, so I drew Twinkle for this one. She's fierce too, okay? She has her blue flamed sword and wings. That death glare in her eyes... umm... she's fierce. I love her. <3 

There's a chance I'll come back later. See you then. 

~ Cutepups