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disclaimer:
don't get the wrong idea,
this is not art.
there is nothing beautiful
about falling apart.
it's just that
"art" rhymes with "apart"
the only difference is the
addition of "ap" before "art"
as if "ap art" really means
"falling, growing, tearing- apart."
but this isn't a piece of artwork,
these are only words on a screen.
words themselves can never
call themselves beautiful.
so now here's the story of how i fell apart
which ends with the loss of my heart.
i. skin:
the first chapter in the story of falling apart
starts with your skin.
you sweat when you feel cold,
you're burning when you're freezing,
your face always feels wet
a sticky, uncomfortable, type of wet
that never goes away no matter how many times
you wash, dry, and repeat.
and as an added bonus,
you also get the
scratches, bruises, and black-and-blue marks
but you don't remember where they came from.
ii. eyes:
the second chapter in the story of falling apart
is all in the eyes.
your eyes feel dry,
you're in a brightly lit room
and your eyes start to burn.
it hurts, it burns, bring over some water
please.
you can't see well in the light anymore,
so you adjust by seeing through the darkness.
but on the other side of the dark is the light,
and then your eyes start burning again.
then before you know it,
it's picture day for you.
when you stare at the camera,
you smile
but eyes are the windows to the soul.
when the pictures arrive you realize
the pictures don't lie
they never do.
you could have the widest smile
but it means nothing in the end.
the look in your eyes is
distant, empty.
you see it in pictures of yourself
and when you stare at your own reflection.
you try so hard to fake happiness
but your eyes don't lie like your mouth can.
you're not happy,
you haven't been happy for a long time.
and now it's really starting to show.
iii. mouth:
the third chapter in the story of falling apart
deals with the mouth.
your mouth isn't half as honest as your eyes are
because every time you speak,
lies fly out.
little white lies-
"i'm fine"
"it's okay"
"don't worry about me"
"leave me alone"
"i don't care"
"i hate you"
flutter like black and white butterflies and moths
out of the web you constructed in your throat.
that's why it's so hard to speak what you mean-
the words get caught in the web
and when they finally escape,
they're all mixed up and you forget
what you wanted to say in the first place.
words are flies and lies rhymes with flies,
there's a spider web deep in your throat
which results in your inability to breathe
let alone speak,
and black and white butterflies and moths
fly out of your mouth.
flies turned into butterflies,
but they turned cruel and changed their name to moths.
that's not how this chapter ends though.
the last step is you physically feel it.
you feel your mouth being in a permanent frown
that quivers at the slightest word said to you.
your mouth isn't even frowning though
it's not smiling either.
you're not doing anything with your teeth,
but they ache and you feel someone pulling down
the corners of your inner lips
into a frown you can't escape from.
iv. ribs:
the fourth chapter in the story of falling apart
involves the inner you underneath all that skin.
your ribs shift and adjust
and it's borderline painful.
it feels like your ribs are bigger than your body,
and they want to poke out of it
to see the outside world for themselves.
your ribs want to crack and break into
your heart and lungs.
it hurts so much,
stardust isn't found inside
broken, cracked bones
it's far more uglier than that.
your body is shrinking
or maybe it's just your mind.
and your heart and lungs ache for something
because they feel too painfully empty
just like the rest of you.
your ribs poked into your organs and
hollowed them out for their own selfish gain.
that's why you feel physically empty
all the way down to your core.
it's because there's nothing left
of your mind,
your lungs,
or your heart.
there's a widening hole in your chest
because falling apart ends with
the stealing of your heart.
but this is no love story,
you stole and broke your own heart.
but here's the worst part:
that's not even half of it.
this is only about physically falling apart,
but don't forget.
you can fall apart in other ways,
so remember that.
the physical signs are just the beginning-
you fall apart more than just once
and in ways more painful than you would have ever expected.
so take it from me:
don't fall apart.
because even if you start to heal,
you'll always be missing something.
and you won't realize what you lost
until it's too late.
