finished my first year

Hi. I’m gonna keep this very short. For real this time. 

Ok so. Hey there. 

I finished my first year of college. I left the dorm yesterday. So I’m back home now. 

Yeah ok, that’s cool, whatever. 

Well, that was quite... something. Quite something, alright. 

Yeah yeah yeah. 

Sunshine was the first pet to walk up to me when I entered the house. Thelma kept on running away from me for a little while after I entered the house. Zo was just chilling or whatever that cat dude does. 

“cat dude” yes,, 

...... I also had at least two anxiety attacks (++ anxiety) yesterday morning, and my mind blanked out completely and I was zoned out at the most inconvenient time, so that’s an update in my mental health state department. 

“mental health state apartment” that sounds funny lol 

yikes yeet & good bye 

— what? 

yikes yeet & good bye

Characters as Cartoon Avatars (part 3) + college heck

.......... umm anyway......

Time for part 3!

avatar creator thing- yeehaw

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But before I show you my attempts at creating the Bad Parents TM characters of mine (well, three of them), I want to show you these other versions of them boys. Here, look at these better designs of my boys:

Duke. I included the black jacket this time. I don't really know what he's doing with his hand, but I think it fits him. I keep on thinking of him smirking a lot (because he's an asshole), so that's what he's supposed to be doing here.

Fierdan. Story 2+ version. He looks cute and happy this time. Maybe J___ boy cheered him up somehow. Ah yes, my precious problematic boy! 

Ryen. I like this version a lot more because this actually looks very close to how I visualize him as. He's doing the same thing with his hand that Duke did. It makes him look smart and factual to me, maybe that's why. I imagine Ryen wearing a white (or close to white) long jacket over his regular clothes sometimes. Why? I don't know. Go ask him yourself. Haha, the other Ryen cartoon avatar I made looks like the angsty teenage version of himself. He looks so much more mature here. 

Yeah ok so I like this type of eyes more than the one I used last time. I think it fits them a lot better.

I don't like the Brock and Finny avatars I made, so I redid those too. 

Brock. Yeah, this looks more like the Brock in my skits I know. Yes, he's also smirking. 

Finny. A happier-looking Finny. Now he doesn't really look like a snobby rich boy. He's outside this time. Maybe that's why he looks happy. Being outside can do wonders. 

And now. It is time. For the. Bad Parents TM. 

Well, three of the bad parents in the story. 

Yeah ok:

Calliah. This is Duke's mother.

"C". This is not the same character as Calliah. Her name also starts with the letter, C. Their (natural) skin tones aren't the exact same. I'm considering whether to make her mixed race... but alas, I do not know right now. Anyway, she is the mother of Ryen and Fierdan... and Dawn. She is actually very, very terrible. Not like Calliah or Z terrible. But hey, I'd say that abandoning your children is a shitty thing to do. Abandoning your sons to be "raised" by their father who, as a matter of fact, is the polar opposite of being fit for parenting. Oh and Z ordered for her to be killed/executed. She's dead. She's been dead for a long time. 

"Z". He goes by Z. Go ask him why. Oh wait, you can't. He's also dead. I call him "Z the shit man" because he's a shitty man. Shitty husband. Shitty father. He's full of shit. I realized that you can only make good-looking people that look nice on this avatar creator thing. He's not that physically ugly, but his personality and all that is extremely ugly. This avatar does not encompass that at all. Wow, I'm typing "that" a lot. Anyway, I designed him wearing a suit. I feel like he would casually wear suits at times. He has charisma. Underneath his pleasant-looking exterior, is a sack of shit. Because he's shit. Oh and he's holding a book because he writes down notes for his "work" down in a book. He wrote a book called The Scriptures of Z. It is about... certain things that are too complex for my understanding, and yes, I did create this whole story thing. But am I smart enough to understand even half of what's going on? Hell no! Oh yeah, that too. I'm not sure if Z wore glasses all the time like Ryen does. I included him wearing glasses here because he has his book open, he is reading, and he wears reading glasses. Plus, they make him appear older and smarter. Actually, he's wicked smart. Terrifyingly so. 

That's it, folks. 

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Next week is my birthday. That's wild. 

I don't have any finals today (Thursday). That may be a reason why I'm here typing this now. 

Phew, I can finally get some hecking rest. The past two nights I stayed up writing final papers. 

ha. haha. ahaha. ahahahahahahaha. Man, I suck. :/

I kinda accepted that my grades and gpa are gonna be shit. Ah... :'^)

... no. My essays are all shitty. I can't write. Considering my major, that's a bad sign. Ha. Haha. AHAHAHAHA--

On a random note, I have so, so, so much freaking money left on my meal card for school. And so, for the past few days, I've been buying a ton of food. Now I have a lot of snacks. 

My dad wanted to see what I got, so I sent him a picture of some of the snacks. I bought a lot more yesterday. Of different snacks. Uh ok.

And hey there, blog viewer! Do you want to see my miserable desk living conditions over at college dorm room hell?

Yeah, of course you do. 

lmao omg why XD

finals week =(

The 16th is blank because I have no finals today. Heck yeah.

I have one on the 17th. Heck no. I've been dreading that one the most. For several reasons I'm too tired to list here. 

#/Cutepups finals week spring '19 

As you can tell now, this is obviously showing how my mental health got broken again. Duh. 

Laugh at me! Laugh at me! 

(omg what a loser)

(that's right)

(I sure am!)

Spiderman is on the Doritos bag! *mind blanks out* ... yeet.

I'm going back home on the 17th, too! :) 

My first year at college hell is almost over! XD

.... anyway. I'm not ready at all. For what? Oh, I mean, just in general. I'm just not ready. 

............

............

............

.............

Other Notes:

1. I would still have over another month if I were still in high school. Dang, college changed me. I can't handle another week of this college thing. I am Tired TM.

2. Time management skills? Using a list/planner for real? I don't know them. :(

3. Time. Time in the future. Planning for the future. The future. My brain just can't comprehend. 

4. Oh no, I'm blanking out again. Haha, well, this sucks. 

5. Don't worry, I have drinks. Water. Coffee. Soda. Soda. Snapple. Gatorade. Chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. Vitamin Water. Water. Gatorade. Snapple. Snapple. Gatorade. Water.

6. Self-Reminder: Email the hours you want to work at your possible job, you fool!!!!! >:U

7. I thought I was bad at college because my grades are definitely gonna plummet (I mean, hey, I didn't get A's on my papers this semester unlike the last one), but then I read a news article about something that happened involving people who attend the same one as me. That changed my mind lmao. (so vague, me, yes.)

8. And I got A's on my papers in the 4 credit courses I took in the fall semester. This semester I'm only taking 3 credit courses, but these classes are a lot harder. So.. huh. What--

9. *adds more words to the post title* (ok) *hasn't bothered editing the slight grammatical errors I've found in my recent posts* (omg that's totally not ok, @ Cutepups)

10. Art of Girl. Brown Sharpie. Sketchy. Who is she? Is she a bad attempt at me trying to quickly draw Dawn out in public? Yes, I drew it at a college event. Haha yeah. (omg stop being weird, @ Cutepups)

art fart art fart art fart art fart art fart 

..... stop blanking out, brain. stop causing me to keep zoning out, brain. :/ tsk, tsk.

(Yeah, I'm tired. So what? Oh, that's a reason, huh? hUH)

I was so out of it while writing that last post (shout-out to autocorrect to making whatever I wrote then at least somewhat legible). I called myself my irl name instead of Cutepups. That seriously happened. Dang, something must have been really wrong then.

I don't remember ever zoning out like that while writing a post. lmao that's new--

hmm ok. more like half-aware, half-zoned out. and not like half-asleep either. because I wasn't sleeping then. 

Want to know something that's annoying? Me. 

lmao, no, I mean....

Being very tired. Like so gosh darn tired. Then when I'm lying in bed, in my pjs and under my blanket, and not being able to fall asleep. Just lying in bed doing nothing for an hour. Begging for sleep. But sleep be like "nah girl" which reminds me of my "girl body" which makes me go *sigh* because... *sigh*.

(The grammar is off, I know.)

this mind empty- yeet!

feelings: empty, void, ???

... yeah idk what to title anything anymore. 

I don’t know when I’ll create more cartoon avatars on that design game. I want to make avatars of Calliah and Ryen and Fierdan’s parents. So that would mean Calliah, Z, and their mother. So.. yeah. 

The title here is how I feel. I think. Empty. Void. ??? (idk what I’m feeling anymore) 

Personal-wise, I wrote this in a dA journal (//swears//): 

For a while (a few weeks?, a month?) it feels that I'm only capable of writing creative writing stuff.. that sounds good. That has any quality whatsoever. 

Writing essays is so hard for me now. Like.. I can't do it. Everything I try to write for an essay sounds like absolute fucking shit. My sentences are all shit. (Can you tell from reading my journal and blog posts?) It feels like my brain is breaking and I don't know what to do about it. It's too late, it's too late, it's way too fucking late. I fucked up this semester so badly. I'm trying to write the essays, but it literally feels like my brain won't let me. (I also didn't finish and hand-in essays on time.) I can write poetry, yeah, but anything else? Like, stuff for classes? No. Nothing I do is good enough. I can't even write a decent essay anymore. I have final papers to do. But it's like I can't write essays. This is gonna kill me. I swear I'm a master of self-sabotage. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know...

IDK WHAT TO DO 

but I don't want to die. Not really feeling that way. I also don't know how to label my emotions.

_{... and I'm pretty sure I struggle with executive functioning. for quite a long time. it's never gotten as worse as it's been during this semester. I'm doing so bad, holy shit--}

——————

UpDaTeS yAY 

I have my first final today. At 4. 

Eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh

I also have papers to do. 

Oh noooooo

My brain machine broke :( 

Aaaaaahhhhhh noooooooo

(umm wtf was that?)

(idk, don’t mind me) 

I’m barely functioning and that’s the tea. *thinks of taking a sip of my Snapple I have on my desk but doesn’t because now I’m In Bed* 

My brain goes through so many moods and feelings in a few days. It’s wild. Take a break. Stop thinking. Fall into a coma. Go out and have some fun. 

I’m writing this dumb post while I feel like I’m zoning out and can’t read and process any words. (huh, what does this say?). 

The other day, I had a nightmare dream that ended with me dying a graphic death. So ah. Ok then. 

White flames. Ooh ahh. Shoot me with your gun, man in the pink suit. Burn me in the white fire. Exorcise me ‘cause I’m a demon. Human? Nah. I’m worse than that. 

What’s up, y’all. I’m Shannon, I’m 19 (in 9 days), and I lost the ability to read and understand what words mean. 

In other news.......

I realized that maybe I’m not so different from my characters. And by that, I mean Duke/Fierdan. And by that I mean how violent and messed up they are. 

Like hey. Oh dang. 

Me, the other day: *becomes so angry over a minor thing that I spend the majority of the day having unwanted disturbing thoughts of violence that escalated to thinking of murder* 

Like ok. How about you chill, edgelord brain fuck?

Stop being so edgyyyyyygayyyeyyeye >:( 

Me: Haha, I’m nothing like my OCs! Fierdan, who? Can’t relate. 

Irrational Emotion-Driven Thoughts: hello—

Me: ... oh. 

Arrest me for Thought Crimes. I think of Bad Things. lol hehe XD 

Actually, please don’t. 

Gaaauurrrgggaaaaurghgh >:U 

New Violence Mode comes with Unwanted Violent Thoughts that are So Unnecessary 

Unlike my characters, I haven’t killed anyone. Don’t worry. Do not fear. 

Thinking of violent actions that would result in murder sure is something new than the old way of doing things which was thinking of suicide. so uh...... progress? wait, no. 

....... What the FUCK does anything in this post say?!

IDK. IDK ANYTHING. 

Is it time for a MENTAL BREAKdown??????? 

Or do I just need to get some sleep and panic whenever I think of my life? 

I ruined a lot of stuff so I deserve to be tossed in pink suit man’s white flames 

Thanks, brain fuck. 

I can’t read what any of this says. My mind is so blank right now. 

Tell me what any of this means. I don’t think anyone except me will be able to understand. 

Give it a shot. Give me a shot. 

I’m not drunk. Or high. I’m a dehydrated person who feels oh so low. 

At least that’s what my body thinks it feels like. idk if they’re being honest. :/ 

I deserve to die but I won’t. Fuck that. 

.......... yeah, i’m really not okay. lmao. 

i’m not ok

like at all

but that’s ok

........ i need help. 

(idk what to do, idk what to do, idk what to do,)

Characters as Cartoon Avatars (part 2)

Time for part 2!

This is the site I'm using.

I'm just going to make avatars of all my important characters. I never drew some of them, so I hope by doing this, you can get an idea for what they look like.

Now without further ado, here's part two!

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J___ at the end of story 1 through story 2. I'm thinking of putting his "x" tattoos around where the facial tattoos on this avatar are. He likes to have his hair dyed black and part of his hair shorter than the rest. He has his ears pierced. 

J___ as a young teen. Here he is before he got all his piercings and tattoos. J___'s current age is in his early 20's, and this is what he looks like a few years of a decade before that. This is what his natural hair looks like.

And this is the colored version of those school days sketches:

I erased the sketch I started on the bottom. I messed it up too much. I messed up most of it, actually (because I suck lol). I ruined his hair, so I quickly drew (without sketching first *smh*) him wearing a beanie. He likes comfy clothes, especially clothes in various shades of purple and gray. He also likes wearing a little black. 

These drawings are from when he was in middle school, which means ages ranging from 11 to 14 years old. He's between those ages here. 

The boy in the red shirt is supposed to be trying to choke J___ because he's a bully who likes to bully J___. Anyway, J___ boy over here is just zoning out, not caring about bully boy at all, he just doesn't care. Kid J___ is so iconic. 

In the big picture of him over on the left, I drew him holding a fidget toy. Because he uses those things. If he's going places, he probably has at least one somewhere on him. Is the one I drew an attempt at drawing a fidget spinner? Perhaps. But he doesn't just use those. 

Regarding story 2+, J___ has a whole stash of fidget toys and stress toys in his room. Speed forward to well in story 2, and the toys help Danny/Fierdan out a lot. J___ is such a good friend-then-later-boyfriend with Danny/Fierdan. I love them so much. 

.... Ok, ok. I'll just say it in this post. Ok, ok, ok...

J___ has ADHD. Specifically, ADHD-PI (predominantly inattentive). Also known as ADD. He never was really hyperactive.. or at least hyperactive enough to be classified as such under his diagnosis. I could write more about this, but I want to get to the other characters. 

And yes, he does (or should I say will since I never got to officially writing it yet) show symptoms in the story. Just like how I'm planning on including Danny/Fierdan showing symptoms of PTSD and Ryen showing symptoms of depression (as two examples; I'm thinking of Ryen having a specific type of depressive disorder because hey, there's more than just "depression" in general lol I know some stuff--).

Alright, enough neurodevelopment disorder and mental illness talk. Onto more of my characters I designed in a cartoon avatar creator thing! (yeet)

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Brock. Here's that skit dude. He's smirking or something. Who ever knows what this boy is up to? Not me, obviously. He's not even a character in the story (#/discrimination). What is he even doing with his hand? Why is he doing a peace sign that way? Isn't he so weird? I vaguely remember me drawing him in a dark green hoodie before. Maybe he likes to wear green because broccoli is green. Brock Oli. Brock Broccoli. Haha, broccoli.. am I funny yet, fellas? (omg he looks like a middle schooler--)

Soulless as a humanoid creature. It's the demonic bastard! I designed him them vaguely as a human yet again. What is he are they doing with his their hands? Why does he it have long sleeves if he's it's only wearing a tank top? Oh shoot, wait, hold up. *edits pronouns to the they/them and it/its ones* Ok, it's ok. Soulless isn't a human; Soulless is a demonic/robotic/ghost-like creature. Even I don't know for sure. Soulless usually has a wicked grin on its face and glaring wide white eyes that stand out from the light gray color of its body with parts being a darker shade of gray. But I feel like these eyes fit Soulless better than the other types. Plus, Soulless is evil and engages in mentally and physically abusive behaviors with Fierdan. Oh and if Soulless has any hair (I mean hair on the top of his head lol), I think it would look spiky. Soulless is a bastard (not based on technical meaning or whatever, they just are).

Fauna while in Cincernum hanging out with Fierdan disaster man. I still want to change her name, to be honest. Ugh, I don't think this picture turned out good. Oh well. She has light blue eyes and light blonde hair. Dang, she looks beautiful. And.. bright. There's nothing dark about her. Just look, she's wearing no black whatsoever. I don't really remember the outfit Fauna wears while in Cincernum, but this is what I remember from it. I'm thinking of changing it up a little so that Fierdan just throws this outfit at her, causing her to get out of her only white outfit. I think Fierdan also included a hair piece with the outfit, so I designed Fauna wearing a hair piece. I also think Fauna has braids in her long hair. 

Finny. Pfft haha, I think my design for Finny is so damn funny. Is this the Finny in the story while he works with Taurel because he thinks it's the right thing to do? Or is this the Finny in the skits where he studies business stuff and is passionate about economic concepts like "equilibrium" and other words used in economic and marketing classes? Oh geez, I accidentally made him look like a snobby rich boy. I don't know why I thought having his hands like that would fit him. Haha, look at this nerd. 

Sparkle. Dang, I really should change her name too. Gorgeous outfit, girl. She enjoys shopping and fashion. She likes to shop for clothes. Her favorite color is pink. I think that hand design fits her, so I chose to include it in her design. Sparkle and Finny were a canon couple, but they broke up. They both worked with Taurel and Risak (to screw Duke over lol). She was also one of Twinkle's bullies while in school (the school in the beginning of story 1).

Taurel. This is from the torture arc. He looked too young without any facial hair, so I put that on him (same for Risak). I made his design look like a YouTuber I can't remember the name of, haha. That just.. happened. It was unplanned. He and Risak wear navy blue outfits. Is the blood on his neck his or Duke's? It's a mystery. It's probably Duke's, to be honest. Taurel has dark blue eyes while Risak has brown eyes. The sharp objects he's holding are what he plans on using to stab Duke's eyes and/or other body parts. Damn, what a creep. There's something wrong in this man's head. He has quite an ego, too.

Risak. I included him with a gun because in the torture arc, he shoots bullets at Duke by using a gun. Risak is older and taller than Risak, but he isn't genuinely for the torture of "The Duke Fierdan" like Taurel is. And so, I settled for him to look like this. Risak and Taurel have the same outfit because they just do. By the way, trying to execute Duke is a big mistake. Don't do it. Oh, you're not listening to me, huh? Risak, you idiot! Ahh-- Anyway, he doesn't really look as cute as this cartoon avatar suggests. Oh and he dies quite a brutal death. Ouch. 

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That's all for part 2! 

The next part will include the parents. Yes, those terrible people. 

heh, heh, heh,,,,, >:)

Characters as Cartoon Avatars (part 1)

Bet you weren't expecting this to be the next post, huh.

I watched a YouTube video about it, and I felt like designing my characters on the avatar creator thing last night.

(That sentence was awful, sorry.)

I'm using this one lol

... umm ok.

Here are the characters I have so far (not in the order I created them):

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Danny/Fierdan in story 2. Basically, story 1 Fierdan and Duke as one person (aka who he originally was). After the haircut. Because story 1 Fierdan's hair is long.

Ryen. See how his hair is black, so it's darker than Fierdan's. Ryen's hair is curlier. The brothers aren't happy. My phone's camera made the lighting weird; it looks like they have different skin tones even though I used the same one for them (and for the other Fierdan and Duke avatars I made). 

Duke. I didn't feel like adding his jacket. Maybe because the Danny/Fierdan one made me want him to dress up a little differently. I guess this is when Duke's hair starts growing out. The dot on the right side of his face is supposed to indicate that it's Duke (just Duke, only him. yeah ok idk). 

Duke in his torture arc. Where he gets tortured. How pleasant! Towards the end of it, probably. There's a shadow thing covering his eyes because he's kind of like evil and sadistic and violent. His head gets shaved, I didn't like the bald option, so I'm calling this hair look the type where the hair starts growing back. Duke's eyes are repeatedly stabbed at and turn black, so I feel like the black eyes with the tears fits him. I chose those eyebrows because he's still the victim at this point of the torture arc. And yes, there is blood. Duke loses blood. The background is supposed to represent the dungeon/basement where the graphic events take place. I'm not sure why his skin looks so pale here since I didn't change the skin tone. Maybe it's because of the lack of sunlight he's getting. 

Fierdan at the end of story 1. Maybe his skin looks so pale because he was stuck in black void land, Cincernum, for quite a while. There's a shadow thing covering his eyes because he's kind of like evil and is about to do a Violent Action TM. The blood on the side of his neck could be literal or metaphorical. Fierdan believes his body is always covered in blood because of the past how mentally damaged he is. He has long hair, but I didn't want him to accidentally look obviously feminine. He's not feminine, especially at this part of the story. He's wearing his black cloak/cape thing. The background is supposed to be somewhere in a forest at night because that is where and when the scene of Fierdan killing Duke (which is the Violent Action TM) happens.

Now onto other characters! (hahaha):

Dawn. I keep on drawing her hair looking straight, but I imagine her hair being wavy- especially the longer it is. Compared to the other ones so far, she is more gentle and peaceful and not entirely pessimistic (despite how terrible her past also was). I chose a lighter skin tone for her, but her skin looks darker than the others. Maybe it's because she's out in the sun more often than them. Yeah sure.

Stella (aka my other name for Twinkle) in the beginning half of story 1. She's still mesmerized that Duke entered (or forced his way into) her life. I think this is when they're in love. Maybe it's during a rooftop scene. Look at her. She's blushing. Aww. And I feel like the background fits her. 

Stella after she cuts her hair. Maybe this is her story 2 look. I should think about her more for that part, haha. The lighting is weird; I swear I didn't change her skin tone. As for short-haired Stella, she feels hurt. Dang, she went through a lot. Stella becomes cold and temporarily mean. She also becomes desperate. Stella has to grieve again, her home got destroyed.. she is just so damaged emotionally. She feels betrayed and has trust issues. 

Ardere. My sweet, sweet boy. Golden sunshine lightning child. I feel like the background fits him. He has yellow-ish eyes. 

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Part 2 coming up next! 

(Actually, I have two more. But now I think they'll fit better in the next part. Plus, this is getting long.)

(I'm going to make more characters, haha.)

(No, I'm doing other things too.)

... I also colored that young J___ school days sketch page. Check that out on the next post. 

(psst, you should tell me what you think of these,,,,,)

commenting and videos (I guess)

Well, that's what this post is gonna be about. So.. yeah. It's gonna be short.

So, the videos I put in last Thursday's post. (yeah those...):

The songs are all from my character music playlists over on my Spotify. The lyrics relate to my characters, but I also find myself relating quite a lot to them. And those songs are the ones that I especially found myself relating to lately (or for a while, honestly).

Especially "Would It Matter" by Skillet. [. . .]

I relate to it a lot. Because that's how I feel. When I'm feeling.. low.

I have quite a lot of songs in my character playlists that I also heavily relate to, and honestly, maybe more than how I believe they relate to my characters. And one of those songs is that Skillet song.

The song still relates to them (him?). It reminds me of Fierdan in story 2 and later. Duke just a little bit but not as much.

[Story 2+ "Fierdan" is also called "Danny" and "Dan" and he's the most affected by the trauma and messed up life situations since he deals with story 1 Fierdan's lack of mental health and his mental instability and his neglect/abuse.. and he (story 2+ Fierdan) also has Duke's "soul" which means Duke's personality, memories (minus the bias and amnesia, I'd say), and by the end of story 1, Duke either has (undiagnosed of course) or will have PTSD (specifically, CPTSD much later) and all that gets incorporated into story 2+ Fierdan since basically Duke became him or at least a part of him. And story 1 Fierdan also has symptoms of PTSD/CPTSD without Duke getting involved at all. Yikes, this is all complicated. Story 2+ Fierdan can act "cold" and do things that are like "suicidal behavior". so.. yeah idk there ya go--]

... I won't dive into the other songs. For now, at least.

As for the other videos, I watched them a few months ago. And, haha yeah, I find them relevant to myself. How? Well, I don't know how to explain nor do I want to.

(But I only recently finished watching the second half of that last video.)

So.. ok. [. . .]

Now onto commenting:

Lately, I've been getting spam comments again. I keep on getting them on posts I made a few years ago, and it annoys the hell out of me.

I doubt this is going to fix anything, but...

I started disabling new comments on some of my old posts. Most from 2015 so far.

I also finally began to disable comments on my old vent posts. Including that infamous vent I made towards the end of 2015 where I inserted a video of a Sleeping With Sirens song into the post. (gosh, finally!) ... I'm beginning to feel even more uncomfortable with the possibility that people could have easily decided to comment on them if they really wanted to. (... big yikes)

And no. I'm keeping comment moderation up. It lets me make sure I read the comments I get. Sorry.

I might make another post in a few hours. Well, if I'll feel like it then.

I don't have classes tomorrow and Friday. Study days. For finals. Yeah.

And now I want to insert videos of some songs that I haven't all put in my playlists. So, uh, I guess I'm gonna do that.

Yeah ok sure. *shrugs*

(Yeah, they might relate to how I've been feeling. And to how I'm feeling now.)

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Burning Alive~ 8 Graves

First Generation~ Unlike Pluto

(Apart from my character playlists, I've been listening to Unlike Pluto a lot lately. In last week's post with videos, I included videos of "Ethel" and "Misdiagnosed" by the same artist. I really like Unlike Pluto, haha.)

Villain Of My Own Story~ Unlike Pluto

Demons~ Omri

Lost Control~ Alan Walker (feat. Sorana)

-x-x- -x-x-

Note: I'm trying to not include songs I put in posts already.

-x-x- -x-x-

We Don't Have To Dance~ Andy Black

Hug All Ur Friends~ Cavetown

Never Been In Love~ Will Jay

(aka The Aromantic Anthem TM)

(I'm out there feeling aro 24/7, fellas.)

(aroaroaroaroaroaroaroaroaroaro)

<3 :) <3

-x-x- -x-x-

(and these too. referring to how I'm feeling...)

-x-x- -x-x-

Worthless~ Eli

(this one above especially!! ahahaha--)

Middle Finger~ Bohnes 

I don't give a ~ Missio (feat. Zeale) 

(explicit lyrics, that one be ^ // but it's a mood, alright)

Control~ Halsey

(I thought I put this song in a post before, but it's not showing up in my search results so I guess not.)

[. . .]

Fade Away~ Xam 

----------------------------------------

soo yeahh

That's more than enough songs to accompany my boring text.

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My Characters’ Possible MBTI Types + Other Random Info About Them

Wow. So many capital letters. Wow. 

Ok so. Since it’s the weekend, I was able to go to the store (ahem, Target). In addition to a few more important things I needed, I was able to get a gift card and so basically... 

I have Premium again. No more ads to interrupt me while I listen to my characters’ Spotify playlists for hours on end. Yay. :’) 

(not like anyone cares but oh well) 

Now let the post officially begin! 

——————————

I’ve been wondering about what MBTI types my characters are, or at least could be. 

So I’m going to list my thoughts on which ones I think for my characters. 

And no, I’m not going to explain why I think a character has _x_ personality type. Well, not for this post. 

I’m looking at this btw: 

https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types

Alright, let’s start! 

——————————

I have more types listed for some characters than others. I’m still indecisive on which types they really are; these are just my guesses. 

As for myself, I got both INFP and ISFJ when I took the 16 personalities test in the past. I took it a few different times. 

Now it is time for me to guess the types for my main story characters. Haha, let’s see how this goes. 

Ryen:

• INTP

• INTJ 

• ISTJ

Dawn:

• ISFJ

• INFJ

Twinkle:

• INFJ

• INFP

• ISFJ 

Fauna:

• INFJ 

• ISFJ

I think the above characters are all more introverted than extroverted. Though, to be honest, I’m not that sure about Fauna (Twinkle’s sister). I think the characters below are more extroverted than introverted. 

But I am having a more difficult time trying to categorize Duke and Fierdan (and I’m using the same type for them). I feel like they’re all over the place. I can easily see Duke/Fierdan as being introverted and the same for extroverted.. so does that mean they’re ambiverts? Ah, I don’t know. 

Ardere: 

• ENFP

• ESFJ

Finny:

• ENFJ

• ENTP

J___:

• ENFP

• ESFP 

Duke/Fierdan:

• ISFP 

• INFP

• ... actually, this is way too hard for me. never mind. *yawns* 

........ uh ok then. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other random info about some of my characters (I guess): 

Ryen is at least 4 years older than Fierdan. 

Ryen is the tallest one in my main characters squad. He’s the tallest protagonist. 

Ryen can actually get very emotional. 

Ryen  suffered from childhood trauma because of his father. What happened years ago in the past severely affects how he is in the story’s present day.

One reason why Ryen was so condescending and hateful towards Pre-Fierdan Danny is because he was forced into working for their father and had the joys and carefreeness of childhood stripped away from him. Ryen knew about things that were happening that no child should be aware of. Pre-Fierdan wasn’t burdened by all the disturbing shit Ryen knew about and couldn’t do anything to prevent. To put it shortly- Pre-Fierdan was able to be happy and have some childhood innocence and naivety, but Ryen could not. 

Out of Duke, Fierdan, and J__, Ryen is the most stereotypically masculine guy. The others have some feminine-like aspects to them that Ryen simply lacks. 

As children, Ryen and Dawn didn’t get along. They weren’t on good terms, to put it lightly. There are differences between how Ryen treated Dawn than to his brother. 

Ryen drinks alcohol pretty often. 

..... ugh, I’m getting tired. *yawns*

J___ and Twinkle were both victims of bullying while they attended their schools. However, J___’s bullying started at a younger age than Twinkle’s experience with being bullied. 

I’m thinking of changing my mind for J___ so that there are more than three tiny “x” marks under each of his eyes. Because.. ahem... *coughs*. 

J___’s skin is, and always has been, paler than compared to most other people he’s been around. Yes, including other white people (lol). 

J___ has lots of hair products in his hair. Not just hair dye. His typical hair style consists of some part of his head being shaved. Or at least cut much shorter than the rest of his hair. He doesn’t have that much confidence in his natural hair. His hair wasn’t the main reason he was bullied in school, but it could have also been a reason. 

Now since I bet you’re curious, I’ll tell you. His natural hair is light brown (a brown J___ has come to believe is “ugly”) and thick. 

I think you all (should) know that Fierdan is an insomniac. J___ also doesn’t fall asleep until much later in the night. But it’s not exactly because of insomnia. It’s just how he is and how his sleep cycle works. 

J___ is not neurotypical. 

J___ likes to move around a lot. He doesn’t like having to stay completely still for long periods of time. 

Because of how he is, J___ can be looked down upon as being immature, not as serious, and childish compared to the other adult protagonists. 

However, J___ is also very clever and smart. He works efficiently and cooperates well with the people in the main character squad.

J___ is able to communicate with and help Fierdan (and before that, Twinkle and Duke) because of how he functions and what he does to cope with having _____ and what comes with it. (that was worded terribly, sorry.)

........... ugh, my thinking is turning off. :c 

J___ prefers to wear comfy, light, and loose clothing. The opposite of that makes his body feel uncomfortable. 

[Alcohol & Drugs mention below]

J___, beginning in his mid-teens, has smoked cigarettes. Later on but still in his teens, he moved onto using stronger drugs. I’m unsure on anything more specific than that.

J___ overdosed before. 

A few years ago before Ryen and J___ met, they attended a temporary drug rehab program. When Ryen was younger, he was pretty much an alcoholic. But in present story day, he still drinks alcohol. Just not as much as before. Which was a lot. He starts drinking again a long time after rehab ended. So.. hmm....

As for J___, he pretty much fell into having a drug addiction (not alcohol or nicotine). So they met each other in rehab. 

J___ occasionally smokes a few cigarettes but not that often anymore. 

He’s more prone to fall into addiction (and then relapse) than most. As a result, he tries to avoid the drug he got addicted to and overdosed on. He makes that a little easier for himself by not telling Fierdan (or Twinkle, Duke, Dawn, or anyone mainly in story 1 for the matter) about that part of his past. 

So no, sorry. J___’s past isn’t bright and sunny happiness. It’s not that pleasant either. 

....... you should totally love him with me lmao love his character like I do 

Yikes, it’s getting very hard to think. I’m barely able to properly think at any time of day. 

My brain functioning battery has ran low. :c 

Bye for now. <3