not posting as much

Hey guys. You might have noticed that I didn’t post much this August. 

Yeah.. uh.. oops. 

I’ve been focusing more on my own mental health and trying to get better than thinking about my characters. Sorry, but I don’t have any new skit or chapter or anything like that. 

I go back to college soon. Summer break has come to an end. It’s been very long and I didn’t do much. Oh darn. 

I guess that means I didn’t end up killing myself over the summer. I’m still alive, apparently. 

Well anyway, this is my last night at home. I’m gonna miss my pets. :( 

For the past few days, I’ve been waking up very early. Let’s see if it’ll happen again. I’m probably not gonna tell you guys, but whatever, let me talk to myself on my blog. 

You know what? I’ll just say it now. 

The only skit idea I had was to have it start with Fierdan or Duke gazing out of an open window in the middle of the night with them saying something depressing. Something about feeling empty if I remember correctly..? idk, it was to reflect how I’ve been feeling. 

Yeah, that’s not very exciting. 

When will my next post be? I don’t know. 

Bye. <3 

stuff and things

It looks like I haven’t made that many posts this month. Oops. 

Hi folks. How’s it going? 

Anyway.. you know what’s funny....

I’m taking the same medication as my sister (different dose right now though). Like, guys, isn’t that so funny? My garbage brain invalidating her not that long ago? And how we’re on the same meds now? Hilarious. 

And I know my previous post might sound dramatic, but I really had a case of brain fog a lot during my first few days of starting the medication. I looked up more side effects, and brain fog is another fairly common one. Phew. 

I’m coping much better now. I’ve been on it for almost a week. Yay, progress, wahoo. 

I’m starting to feel less “on edge” or irritable now. Well, it’s getting there. Ever since I started taking the medication, I don’t feel angry-for-no-actual-reason as much or at all. 

I’m still stressed and worried about going back to college (for several reasons), but now it feels like.. like, “hey, maybe I can handle this?”... more optimism, I guess?.. yeah. 

Uh ok, thanks for reading my update about taking an antidepressant. 

:) <3 :) <3 :) <3 

August 26th

Hi, I have several posts I have in mind, but I keep forgetting about them. That makes no sense. 

Uh, I mean, hello. 

My parents finally listened to the Hamilton the Musical soundtrack. Gosh, I still love it. 

I’m seeing that play with my family in the near distant future. 

Ooh ahh ,, exciting !!!! 

I was able to fall asleep these past two nights. That’s a good sign, I guess. I don’t feel as bad today either. Physically, I mean. 

My siblings both left to do whatever they’re doing with their lives. (she’s going back to school; he’s going back to work in the city he now lives in). ok. 

Ok so here’s the main reason I made this post: 

Today’s August 26th. At least where I am. 

And it might be Dawn’s birthday. 

(I changed my mind since the Zodiacs post I made about my characters’ birthdays.) 

I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my characters. I am a bad creator. :( 

Character birthdays list (eh.. sorta): 

• Duke/Fierdan- December 19th 

• Twinkle- April 23rd 

• Dawn- August 26th 

• Finny- January 22nd 

• Sparkle- early February 

• Ryen- late September 

• J___- early June 

That’s all I have for now. I thought I would figure out all their birthdays by now, but I haven’t. 

(I know some characters aren’t even included in that list. I can’t decide what their birthday months are.) 

I go back to school in a week. My classes start next week. :’( 

I don’t know how to put it in words, especially just through text, but. Deeply thinking is kinda harder for me to do now. And especially a few hours after I take my medication and in the mornings. Later on in the day, my mind feels less.. empty? foggy? idk how to describe it. 

I feel the most like myself today. I don’t feel too weird. 

Today, the nausea isn’t really there. My stomach still hurts, but it hurts not as much now. I’m not as drowsy either. I’m still tired though. 

(idk what i’m even trying to say) 

*forgets what I wanted to say* 

..... *remembers part of it a minute later* 

When I try and think back to my first two years of blogging, I don’t know how I was able to write posts like that. 

I know that can be about a thousand things, but this time I’m really referring to how I was able to read more easily. I could write long paragraphs (sometimes not even that many separate paragraphs) and read them over so easily like it wasn’t a problem. Well, haha, now that’s kind of a problem for me. Reading large amounts of text without spaces or paragraphs is a lot harder for me to do now. Reading is hard. This sucks, man. 

I really don’t know how I could manage writing posts with just a large chunk of text. Thinking of reading my old posts could might as well give me a headache now, haha. 

(I think that was what I wanted to say about that. It’s hard for me to think clearly and remember everything. Like I said, I don’t really know how to explain it.) 

........ I know I shouldn’t say this (cognitive distortions?), but.. uh.... 

I feel so stupid now than how I was in the past. Like yeah, I have more life experience since I’m older, but still. To me, it feels like 2017 through 2019 just merged into one year-like time thing. Ok, not ‘year’ I just don’t have the words for what I’m trying to say. 

What have I done? I don’t know, man, everything’s a blur. 

I’m pretty sure I have some of my memory erased. I can’t remember so many things. And lots of memories I just remember vaguely or the overall pictures of instead of in details. It kinda feels like I can’t recall.. living those memories. And that messes me up. I feel so twisted up inside, and it’s not just because of a pill I take. 

It’s weird to say, but it feels like the only true stability I have in my life is my characters. Not necessarily any story; just the characters themselves are a form of stability in my life. They’re always there. They didn’t leave my mind. They didn’t leave me physically. I haven’t gotten away from them (because of college or even because of my symptoms of mental illness gradually becoming more severe (though I’m not sure if they’re even actually labeled ‘severe’ on the scale things) or.. maybe something else as well). 

(Ugh, what was I saying?) 

It doesn’t physically feel like I suffered any brain damage. At the same time, it feels like my brain is damaged. That parts of my brain haven’t been working properly. *cough* my poor mental health. 

And so yeah, I feel stupid. Like a big dumb-dumb. :-( 

It’s just such a feeling. It’s not just me who thinks I have a depressive disorder. That me feeling depressed isn’t just a fleeting feeling. 

Same goes for anxiety. 

Who would’ve thought? My ways of.. being aren’t normal. Thinking what I do isn’t healthy. 

Some months are better than others, but now I know that even if not every day feels like hell, I’ve still been suffering all this time. 

Mental health professionals think I have anxiety and depression. So there. 

(Am I leaving other things out? Maybe? We don’t know enough. ?? uh, what? ...) 

I originally planned on making this post just about Dawn, but I changed my mind obviously. Haha, I change my mind at the last second. 

*mind blanks out, can’t read words on my screen* 

... ... ... ... ... ... 

*comes back* 

By “starting medication” I have the feeling you guys know what I’m referring to. So I’ll confirm it now. 

I started taking an antidepressant. 

There, I said it. 

I’m going to try and refrain from going into too many details. Because doing that feels weird. Uh.. 

*forgets anything else I might have wanted to include in this post* 

uhhhh hhhhhhhhh 

/////////////////

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

//////////

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/////

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

mind: error message in static 

Yet again, this post was written in a ‘stream of consciousness’ type of way. I didn’t take a long break from the start of the post to this point in the post. 

Bye for now. <3 

~ Shan 

(idk if i want to keep signing off all my personal posts with my aj name. so i’m starting to use my real (shorter?) name. ok.) 

bye now. <3 

~ Shan 

it’s been a day

Yeah. It sure has been a day. 

~whew~ 

Update: I started my meds. (... yeet.)

(umm ok whatever, cutepups, idc.) 

....... shut up, hypothetical blog viewer. 

Went out to eat at restaurants last night and today. Probably doing that again tomorrow. 

Restaurants,, so many,,, wow,,,, 

Anyway, the answer is yes. I’m intentionally writing poorly. 

About that.. I haven’t written that many paragraphs in my posts for a while. It feels that way. I feel like I’m just writing sentences and pressing ‘Enter’ a lot. 

My brain is being all dumb-dumb. : ( 

//this bich can’t think// 

You know what? Hopefully, I won’t have a night of insomnia again when I go to bed. When I get into my bed. As of right now, I’m typing this up while lying down on my bedroom floor. 

Like. I Could Not sleep last night / early morning. I tried so hard to, but my brain was all like “haha nope”. 

The earliest I possibly went to sleep was at 5 something in the morning. And I woke up around two hours later. 

What a day. What a night. What a life. 

I’m tired but in a way that kinda feels different than normal. This tired feeling. Huh. 

...... I think I’m being over dramatic? Am I too dramatic? Why am I so sensitive? 

*mind static noises* 

uh ok well 

goodnight 

(zzz) 

Dreams and Days

Gonna talk about both. Wow, it’s early. Hi. 

I woke up from a dream that ended pretty scary not too long ago. I’m still shaken up by it. Well ok then. 

To briefly summarize it (or at least the ending)... 

I was at some place indoors that had long hallways and lots of twists and turns. Someone who vaguely looked like my grandma but at the same time didn’t look like her was my mentor figure or something like that. Then there was a case and something-something crime. There was this large group of people, including parents and kids. There was this event going on..? I don’t know what. And then we (me and my mentor) had a report that there was this tall old lady who threatened to shoot up or bomb the place. Something-something involved with wanting to harm kids. So I had to go on the lookout for this bad old lady and keep my eyes on her. Maybe I was at a job training group for something involving law and crime. I don’t what it could be. Then some time passed. It ended up being a misunderstanding. Somehow that old lady could still be a visitor at the place we were all at in the dream. The group was like a tourist group..? Something like that. Anyway, the old lady just wanted to shoot photos of the people there. Especially the kids for some reason. Not sure why. Her camera was on flash mode. It kept on flashing as she took countless pictures. And then that night when I was in a room with my fellow trainees (I guess I could call them that), our chief educator man told us to keep our eyes on kids more and not leave the scene after ‘suspicious activity’ has gone away or hasn’t happened. Then he talked about statistics about gun shootings and bombings that injured and killed many that happened because we (the people in the place, what I was training to be) assumed the best and thought it would be okay. And the dream ended with educator man showing us this virtual reality thing where the day ended with the old lady really ending up shooting people with guns and threatening to bomb the whole building. I don’t know what happened to my vaguely grandma-looking mentor. She left after I went to my meeting at night with the educator man and fellow trainees. 

What a dream, huh? What a dream. 

————————— 

I’ve been pretty busy the past two days. And my siblings are both home for the next few days. Ok so yeah. 

On the first day, my family (except my brother who didn’t come back yet) went to see these special movies. Foreign films. They were good. Especially the second one. Gosh, what a movie. 

And our grandma was with us that day. 

(Why did I just say “our”? idk.) 

And on the second day (yesterday), I had two doctor appointments for two different things entirely. 

To sum that all up, I’m... 

- getting oral surgery at some time in the near distant future 

(and) 

- starting medication 

(Hmm. I think I’m being too specific on what I say on this weird blog, but at the same time that I’m being vague. I’m not going into any more details than that. I didn’t start the meds yet. Yeah ok so that’s the Cutepups update. Yeet.) 

(The two things have nothing to do with each other.) 

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bye bye

snazzy outfits huh guys

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

*runs up to this post even though it’s on a phone/tablet/computer screen and pastes this on the post*

I used this one: https://picrew.me/image_maker/32223

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snazzy outfits huh guys

They’re so fashionable in their swag new outfits huh guys

hUH GUYs

OK

. . . . . . .

J___! I really like this look on him. I made him dye part of his hair blue-violet (or whatever that color is) instead of black to change things up a little. I think it fits him quite well. All those piercings though. Those sunglasses though. He has bubble gum. Wow dang he’s gorgeous. My not-as-problematic-as-Fierdan boy,,. 

Fierdan! (s2+ version if anyone cares about that). Those eyes, eyebrows, and.. mouth? What is this dude up to? He thinks he’s swag. Pfft. I made him have one (1) piercing. He’s not as cool as ja boi. Those sunglasses are nice, but J___’s are prettier. 

I’m not making any other characters with this avatar maker. I don’t want to. Because I said so.

........ anyway. I think it’s a little funny how J___ is taller and older than Fierdan.

That reminds me. I still have to make that birthdays post.

*finishes this post before midnight*

Things I’ve Dreamed About Recently

Things I’ve dreamed about recently. Yeah. 

Have a list. 

.... brain machine broke. :•( 

——————— 

• It was a Wednesday. From the day I dreamed it, that Wednesday would be a week from then. 

• In that dream, the outside temperature was 195 or 295 degrees Fahrenheit. I had to go outside, and I was terrified because that’s like.. extremely hot. I think I had to go outside to go to school (..? if I remember correctly). 

• 195 F = approx. 90.5556 C || 295 F = approx. 146.111 C (hot damn! *dies*)

(one more weird dream) 

• I was lying in my bed. I was creating stuffed animal seals. I remember shaping them into seals and designing faces on them. 

• The seals were white. Their faces looked like :3 (yes,,). 

• While in the middle of doing this, I sat up in my bed and loudly and passionately started singing “Memory” or “Memory (Reprise)” from Cats the Musical. I don’t know why I was singing it, but I was. 

• This part from the song though: “The memory is fading. Touch me! It’s so easy to leave me! All alone with the memory of my days as a star!”

• I wasn’t even listening to that song a lot. So, uh.. what. 

• It’s probably my favorite song from the musical though, I’ll admit that. 

(umm ok) 

....... ok like no offense or anything but having a dysfunctional brain sucks. this shit sucks, bro. 

I can’t even write decent sentences. Any attempt at writing is shit. 

How the hell am I supposed to be a writer if I can’t even write? 

I can’t even bother to read over my recent posts because I know the sentences are all bad and barely make sense. Heck, what does this even say? 

(might as well throw my dreams down the toilet) 

(that doesn’t even make sense. metaphor, who?) 

I ...

• can’t concentrate 

• can’t write 

• can’t put my thoughts onto paper (at least some of them, non-vague ones) 

• can’t stay focused for long 

• sometimes hear quiet sounds that other people around me don’t seem to notice or care about (and those sounds bother me so much omg,,) 

• rarely sit “normally” in chairs when I’m home (I’m almost always in a weird position) 

[ • sitting “normally” hurts after a while 

• standing still without crossing my legs or having one leg behind the other also hurts after a short while (well yes, I stand weird too) ]

• am possibly more screwed up than I previously thought 

• am a freak 

hahahahaha hahahahaha 

// death and suicidal talk below because i’m an edgy egg // 

My nose is screwing me over again. It’s hard to breathe. 

I still want to die. When do I not want to die? At this rate- never! 

Add on how the majority of the websites I check nearly daily have been updated and gone to even worse shit than before (the sites have been shit for a while, they’ve just got even worse somehow), and I bet this sounds dramatic but like.. I swear that makes me even more suicidal. 

I’m so sick of being alive. There’s no point in staying alive this summer. I’ve been keeping a countdown of dread till the day I go back to college. 

The slightest thing ticks me off. I get irritated easily. So seeing websites I frequently go to suddenly change annoys me greatly. And being inconvenienced from one of the few things that makes me feel somewhat good makes me feel.. less willing to stay alive. 

Even websites annoy the hell out of me. Of course this blog is included in that. I hate this fucking blog. Why do I still post here? I don’t even know. 

If I wasn’t so [lazy] I bet I would have killed myself already. Especially this summer. Lmao. There’s absolutely nothing keeping me here on this fucking planet. 

([lazy] may be replaced with other words) 

Nothing makes me happy these days. Food- no. Watching any TV show (ok more like a show online)- no. Playing games- no. Reading books- no. Sleep- no. Going out somewhere and having what “normal” people would consider fun- no. 

Nothing is enjoyable, and that absolutely kills me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I really don’t know. 

I went to the beach yesterday (Monday) and hated it. 

If nothing can make me happy, what’s the point? 

Going back to college means starting classes again, which I know will make me even more miserable. And it’s not just the idea of classes which makes me dread college. Everything about going back there brings me dread now. 

Also.. no offense but fuck ‘friends’ lmao. 

I’m sick of no one caring, no one wondering about me, no one wanting to hang out with me, people showing off how much fun they’re having over the summer, how I always have to end up initiating conversations in order to maintain literally any friendship.. like, fuck this shit. 

That shit really does have to happen every fucking time, huh. That’s great. Truly. *slowly claps* 

And I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m so tired of being tired all the time. 

No matter how much sleep I get, I swear I always feel exhausted. I could sleep a lot at night, take at least one or two hour-or-longer naps a day and still feel extremely tired. Staying inside all day makes me easily tired. Going out makes me tired even faster. Sleeping doesn’t get rid of the tired. It feels like nothing gets rid of the tired. 

I’m just so fucking done with everything. 

/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/

If anyone read my vent journal part of this terrible post, then thanks. Not sure why anyone would have read it though. 

Anyway, I’m an abnormal freak and that’s the tea. 

Good bye.