Picrews I don't have links to

 Yeah. I don't have the links to these Picrews. At least one of them got deleted.

So sad. :(

I don't want to type anything else, so I'll just get into it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Me, Myself, and I

✦✦✦

2. Stella (before her hair turned blue)

✦✦✦

3. Luna (? aka Stella's sister; can't decide on a name; Fauna is a weird name)

✦✦✦

4. Sabrina (aka Sparkle)

✦✦✦

5. C. >:)

These pictures are from December and early January. I really like the outfits in these Picrews. The fantasy adventure RPG outfits and weapons in the first one. The emotions in the eyes in the second one with my favorite female characters. 

Luna/Fauna with the angel look. Sabrina/Sparkle with the cherries outfit (cherry shirt and cherry blossom face paint). C. with the black devil horns and the rain in the background (those things remind me of her for some reason). 

Fun fact: This Picrew picture of Stella was very similar to how she appeared in this dream I had.

Mhmm... 

And once again, try to ignore the large blank spaces that I think will show up when I view this post on the blog. 

Heh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6. Dawn (with her tea ~)

✦✦✦

7. Fierdan (first with his hair dyed purple for no reason, then with black hair. long-haired and short-haired versions.)

It's hard for me to pick a favorite. Only the second is post-Cincernum era Fierdan. Ironically, he's the oldest when he looks the most like a boy (baby boy,, :~; haha,,).

And here's Duke after his special torture arc where his left eye became mutilated. >;D

8. Duke

hh ee ,, he

✦✦✦

9. Ryen

✦✦✦

10. Dylan

✦✦✦

11. Jack (who dyed his hair purple on purpose, unlike Fierdan)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all of them.

. . . . . . .

Ah, nostalgia. I missed this.

Goodbye. ♥

two days of posts in a row- oh wow!

Hi. Ah yes. *glances up at the title I gave this post* 

Two days of posts in a row- oh wow! 

Haha yeah. Hi again. I’m still not dead. 

I can feel my heart beating fast, so I know I’m very much still alive. *slowly does a thumbs up sign* 👍 

Anyway. Guess what, guys. I had a dream about Fierdan. And it was kind of like what I brought up in my last post. 

Well, kind of. 

In my dream, there was a comparison. Something that happened with Fierdan in around 2016 when I made him so dramatic and immature in the skits. Then there was the same scene playing in 2021, and he calmed down and became more mature and better at handling his trauma. The scene in the dream was of Fierdan at a doctor’s appointment and talking with his doctor. Come to think of it, I can see the dream being a little similar to the skits I wrote about Duke and Fierdan in therapy. Those were interesting, haha oh gosh. 

The earlier version of Fierdan in my dream was so loud and dramatic. He had no chill. I remember him yelling to the doctor about how he never sleeps and doesn’t need it. He was severely sleep deprived.

The later version of Fierdan surprised me so much. I remember thinking “Omg is it really him? He changed so much!” He stopped yelling at medical professionals and being a cynical, angsty drama king. He spoke calmly but still confidently to his doctor. Ahahaha, I’m so proud of him. :’) 

I don’t even know how I knew it was Fierdan in my dream. I just knew. I don’t even have to think about it. In my dreams, I’m like “Oh yeah, that’s Fierdan. Cool.” 

When I have dreams with Fierdan, I realize I’m not an actual character in those dreams myself. I either watch the dream in third person and observe Fierdan do his own things, but I’ve also had times when the dreams are in first person but they’re in Fierdan’s perspective instead of my own. It’s so weird and interesting. It’s like I have the occasional ability to “become” Fierdan and “live” his life in my dreams. They don’t even feel like my dreams; they feel more like Fierdan’s. But he’s just my character. So.. huh. 

I can’t control when I have Fierdan dreams. Sometimes they happen when I think about him before sleeping, but I’ve also had times when they happened when I haven’t thought of him or my other characters at all before sleeping. It’s hard to predict. 

What else? Hmm.......

I zone out a lot more often. For the past year, I realize I dissociate more frequently than I used to. Most of the time, it’s just zoning out for a few seconds to a few minutes. 

But I’ve also had times when I experienced derealization and depersonalization. The former more than the latter. 

Dissociation can be scary. It’s unsettling and unpleasant. I don’t like the feeling. :(

Oh and my doctor believes there’s a good chance I have ADHD and OCD after I explained my symptoms and experiences. So I’m not saying all of this out of the blue. I keep learning more about both of them. I’ve been questioning whether I have ADHD for over a year now. Most recently, I’ve been wondering about how I’m probably more hyperactive than I initially thought. I keep noticing signs of hyperactivity and neurodivergent behavior in general in myself now. I’ve been seriously considering whether I have OCD since around September after opening up to a few of my friends. Apparently, having the types of intrusive thoughts I get isn’t just another depression thing. And how I react to the thoughts. It’s probably OCD. Haha oop.

So all of that has consumed my mind a lot over these past few months. I’m still trying to figure out my mental health issues. It’s a long process. 

For so long, I thought I have primarily inattentive ADHD, and now I’m not sure. I might be combined type. I think there’s a higher probability that I have ADHD than don’t have it at this point. 

I was supposed to call psychologists and reach out to my university’s counseling services. But I still didn’t do that. Oof. Sorry doc. 😓

Well, I’m very tired. I’ll be back.

When? Who knows, not me. ;)

Ok bye. 

hmm... what’s been up with me

Hi. Here’s a post. I guess. Yeah, sure, whatever. 

Valentine’s Day was a pretty good day for me actually. I was in a good mood that day. 

I got to see my family, including some cousins, virtually. Zoom meeting. That was nice. 

The reason? Not that nice. It was an online mourning thing. Yes, I’m being vague on purpose. Bear with me. 

I miss her. ....... I miss them. :( ;-;

I had a phone call with my grandma for a while afterwards that same night. I haven’t done that in a long time. It was nice talking with her. 

Yeah heh....... ^-^”

And now it’s Friday. I don’t have Friday classes. Nice. 

What else am I willing to share here? Hmm...

Well, I’ve been thinking about how I used to write skits and have Fierdan never sleep and how I thought that was funny by how much I exaggerated his insomnia. 

My sense of humor sure has changed a lot over the years. I don’t find that as funny anymore. Thinking back on my old skits, they feel so exaggerated. Like they’re parodies of something.. my own work, I suppose. 

I also sometimes find myself worrying and feeling guilty for bringing self-harm into it so much in the past. Especially when I first started. 

Because lately (actually for a year or two at least), it’s been messing me up a lot more than I realized. 

I have triggers. But they’re very specific and depend on the situations. But.. damn it, I have triggers. Some content screws me up. And specific self-harm types is one of them. I can write what I mean more specifically, but I won’t. I just don’t want to. 

And I find myself thinking about what I said about my characters (*cough* Duke, Stella (aka Twinkle), and Fierdan *cough*) in the earlier years on this.. blog or whatever this even is. And I’m like “Fuck. Why the fuck did I do that?” and I feel so stupid for my past self who was so naive. 

I thought I could handle it, but I’m not sure I can anymore. I imagine my characters in such complex ways. They’re like actual people in my head. They feel so realistic to me at this point. 

So, well, yes. I still think of some of my characters having suffered from self-harm in their pasts. Including in the ways that I’ve realized messed me up severely. I can’t just erase it like “haha never mind all that, they didn’t do [x, y, z] to themselves.” I just.. can’t. Because they did. They did. 

This probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Why am I even still here? I’m not sure. 

I’m chaotic. I’m unstable. I’m emotional. I think I have low empathy. I’m mentally ill. I’m fucked up. 

................

.............................

...........................................

Mental Health update. But very vague.: 

There’s a possibly good chance that I have ADHD and OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot. 

I talk about my experiences in online chats about ADHD and OCD. I relate and feel not alone in being the way I am. 

I also talked about my possible symptoms of ADHD and OCD to my doctor (GP). So.... 

Yeah. 

She can only help me so much. I need a proper psychologist and psychiatrist to get tested and diagnosed. All that official stuff. She wants me to do that. Really, really wants me to. 

But I’m still terrified and stressed of reaching out. 

Which is...... fuck, idk. 

I have another Telemedicine doctor appointment on Saturday. I feel like I’m going to disappoint my doctor. 

What the hell is wrong with me?! :’D hahahaaa-

I’ve been on Prozac for around a month. A little over a month at this point. 

The dose is too low for me to really feel a difference in my intrusive thoughts. I still get them. Like a few hours ago (haha.. oh shit). I’m saying this because I probably got prescribed it since I opened up about my OCD symptoms (like- intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions). 

The first week or so on it, I felt fine. Things were good. Then I returned to college and got hit by a lot of nasty side effects. I talked about it after my first week back at college since I had a Telemedicine appointment that weekend. 

It’s been hell after that as well. I had so many random and weird body aches. 

I got prescribed another medication  which I’ve been taking since Saturday. Ever since then, I haven’t had any bad physical pains. So that’s good, I guess. 

It’s an anti-anxiety drug. Not Xanax btw lol. 

One of the side effects I had before taking the anti-anxiety one was increased anxiety. I would feel so much physical anxiety in the morning. And it was disproportionate to how I felt emotionally. Like, my physical anxiety and thoughts and emotions were on totally different wavelengths. Having panic attacks right when I woke up in the morning wasn’t fun. Ha, ha, ahh... 

I haven’t experienced that recently, thankfully. I hated that. 

I also hated the random rashes I would get on my arms that would come and go and return and leave again. Throughout the day, either of my arms would randomly get a rash that usually lasted an hour or two. My arms would sometimes also hurt as well. 

I also got headaches that lasted all day no matter what I did to alleviate the symptoms, stomach cramps/nausea, chest pain (heart, ribs), neck pain, and maybe I’m forgetting something. But yeah. It sucked. I was in pain almost every day. It hurt and was inconvenient. 

Things have improved over this week. So that’s good. I don’t miss the pain. 

Yeah, I’m saying all this here. Screw mental health stigma. I have mental health issues. It’s pretty obvious. Like come on now. Look at me. Look at this “blog”. Come on. 

I’m not dead. Not yet anyway.

~ Shan / Cutepups 

Valentine's Day ~

 Hello! It's Valentine's Day. <3

I've been feeling pretty good since Friday. :')

(Online funeral services are especially sad though. Zoom... *sighs*)

Anyway... uh... Picrew time.

💖💓💕💗

(yeah idk)

Oh yeah. They're of me this time. 

Because... yes.

(ignore the stupid spacing that'll probably mess up the post format. thx)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. https://picrew.me/image_maker/626602

Frogs and cats.

Cat shirt and flannel. My sense of fashion... and fashion I'd want to wear.

Stars on the face since that's cute.

The colors... hell yeah.

kitties and forgs :3 

I'm a cat aro. Frogs are great too.

me: *holds a tiny cat; a kitten* :)

2. https://picrew.me/image_maker/636737

A little RPG character of myself. 

Love this outfit. And yes, the wings and blue fire are a must. Must have them.

Fantastical elements. Hell yeah.

Look how cool this is.

Yes!!!

Nice. Very nice. 

3. https://picrew.me/image_maker/606067

Pixel art style. 

It looks cute.

Cat shirt. Haha me.

Wings because wings are cool.

Dang, that's me.

Heck yeah!

:)

4. https://picrew.me/image_maker/129580

Love the vibes in this...

... uh, well, "e-thot maker".

(lmao)

hehehehehe me-

yeah ahhhhhh

(idk what else to say-)

HELLO

5. I lost the link. :(

I think this art style is so cute. The colors and line art. 

I love it. <3

Cat ears and wings and peace signs. Heck yeah! 

The energy!! The vibes!! :D

The outfit. Yes, obviously.

The colors... <3

*insert happy screaming here or something*

6. https://picrew.me/image_maker/395214

Asexual flag background this time. 

The face is how I feel a lot of the time.

(yeah... idk what else to say.)

Wings yet again! 

The blue parts. Hehe, I like light blue. :)

Cool.

(lol ok)

7. https://picrew.me/image_maker/29841

Black, gold/beige, and red colors this time. 

Changing things up. ;)

Kitsune. Six-tailed fox. Yes. 

Black gloved hands. Ace card. 

The outfit. The stars and other effects.

Epic. <3

8. https://picrew.me/image_maker/230257

Ah, why yes. Another aromantic flag background. Another Picrew with frogs (aka "Little Guys").

Featuring silly clown doll. :3

Wings! Again.

hehehehehehheheheheheheheheheeee

It's cute. 

Of course it is.

:) ~*~*~*~ :D

9. https://picrew.me/image_maker/215621

The colors in this Picrew can be bright and saturated. 

So many options and features! The background is the aro flag, and the pin is the aromantic-asexual flag. 

This is so freaking cute! I love the vibes here too! :D

The emoji face pin and smiley star. Aww. :3

The black cat is supposed to be Thelma. My cat. <3

"HAVE A GREAT DAY!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

*tries to not cringe at the messed up format*

Anyway!

Pictures of Thelma and me:

(hehe, so silly!)

Ok so, I took these the day before I left back for college. 

I miss my Thelma baby. :(

Oh yeah. She turned 9 this month! This small cat is now 9 years old! :O

She's my baby, but I'm also her baby. Baby Thelma. Mama Thelma. 

Thelmama. <3 

Yes, she was sitting on top of me, rubbing her face against mine, and purring. She can be very protective, haha how sweet. 

Me: *meows that sound like I'm crying like a kitten in pain*

Thelma: *rushes up to me, purring like I'm her kitten and she's the mama cat*

I love her so much. 

💖💕

~ Shan / Cutepups / whatever name I go by

uhh...hi

Well then. I haven’t been on my blog in a while. Yet again. So uh... hi. I’m Shan. Or Cutepups. I haven’t gone by Cutepups in so long though. I don’t care. Anyway... I’m back. 

Lots of things happened in my life since I was last here. Some good; more bad. Things. Life... ehhhh.

I have health issues. Mental and physical. I’m not doing so great. 

2021 isn’t that good so far. Still pretty shitty. 

Someone in my family died yesterday. Extended family, I mean. My great aunt. 

Well, this fucking sucks! 

I’m lowkey paranoid about losing people since so many people in my family died recently. 

I also had a cousin from Venezuela who died last month. 

Fucking covid. This shitty virus. :/ 

Shit, man. I’m going to miss visiting my local assisted living facility with my mom or grandma to visit Aunt [her name]. She’s so kind and loving. And now she’s also gone. 

She lived to be 90-something. I don’t know the exact number. So, long life... I guess that’s a good thing. It’s still sad hearing about loved ones passing away. 

The cousin was also very old. It’s not like someone young died. But still. Grief... :’(

Anyway, I’m back at college which means of course I’m fucking stressed. This is my second week of classes. I don’t have classes on Fridays (yay!) so one more day of classes left this week. 

I have so much shit going on in my life. Like, goddamn. It’s not even funny. 

How the hell am I supposed to focus when people in my family keep dying, and when there’s a good chance I have ADHD but still have to be professionally tested/evaluated/diagnosed? ... hahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhahahahahahahahahahaahahaaaaahahahaha

Also, I’m in pain most days. Physical pain in one way or another. I have these random body aches a lot. They keep coming and going and coming back. It sucks. 

Reasons, reasons, there are reasons. 

So yeah. That’s an update, I guess. How have I been? How the hell am I supposed to know? 

I try to be funny. I don’t know my identity. Haha. 

*screams internally forever* 

Bye. 

aww haha this cute dream

Hi, I haven’t talked about any of my dreams on here in a while, but for some reason, I feel like making a post about the dream I recently woke up from. 

Aww haha, this cute dream... The fluff... It was so cute omg. <3 ;w; 

It involved Fierdan and Stella. hehheehehehehh ;)

Ok! So anyway, this is what I still remember. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was like another universe of my story 1 plans. Duke didn’t really exist, so it was just Fierdan. Anyway, Fierdan and Stella were from different and opposing countries. There was this war, I guess. Whatever lmao. 

Most of the dream was in Stella’s perspective. So like, it included her country and its side in the war. Right. So anyway, she found out about Fierdan. In the dream, he was in his country’s military as a soldier with the rank of... Darnet. 

What does Darnet mean? I have no idea. Darnet Fierdan. Lmao. 

So then Stella searches on the internet what Darnet means, and she learns that it means: a man in a foreign country that you don’t want to mess around with and get on his bad side. Oh dang. Sexy tension. 

I mean- *cough, cough* ^-^”

The next thing I remember from this dream is how I’m creating this game based on all this. Like, all this Fierdan and Stella stuff is just events in a game. Like a phone app game. That kind of thing. At some points in the dream i was creating the game, and at other parts, I was playing someone else’s game and made the characters in the game story be my own characters. Like what I do in Episode app stories. Ahem... 

And the last part I remember is myself creating/editing this fluffy romantic scene between Stella and Fierdan in this Episode app type game. 

So now they’re a couple. They’re together. In a romantic relationship. And I thought it was so cute. Them in my dream together was so cute and sweet. Enemies to lovers. Omg. 

So in the game scene I’m editing or playing with them as a couple, Stella and Fierdan are in bed together. And I’m having fun with the action commands of slap and kiss. So I let them slap and kiss each other a lot. Lmao. 

The kiss actions made them either kiss each other on the cheek or on the lips. The slap action made them slap each other’s face. Also, Stella had a scar on her cheek. I never knew why. I do remember that they were lying together under the covers of a warm and fluffy bright pink blanket. It looked very cozy. And that was a big bed. I want it. 

The way Stella and Fierdan spoke to each other was so sweet and wholesome. I loved it. ;w; 

I thought the confusion between the slapping and kissing commands was funny. Stella and Fierdan were confused on why they were slapping each other. 

(No kinky stuff. No no no >:( ahhhahahahah)

At one point, I remember Fierdan asking Stella in this soft giggly voice “Why’d you slap me?” and omg his voice. ahhhhhhhh *blushes* owo 

Is this romantic?? idk. Imagine them talking to each other in soft giggly voices. Peak romance. Wholesome. 

Fierdan: *rubs his cheek where he got slapped* Why’d you slap me? 

Stella: *smiles* You changed a lot since we first met. 

Fierdan: *arches eyebrow, looks mischievous in a sexy way* Is that so? 

Stella: Yes. *winks* Darnet Fierdan. *laughs* 

Fierdan: Well, it’s been an honor to have you in my life. 

*Stella kisses Fierdan command* 

I don’t remember anything else except them switching back and forth from kissing and slapping each other. On the face I mean. Pfft. 

*Fierdan kisses Stella command* 

*Stella slaps Fierdan command*

*Fierdan slaps Stella command* 

Stella: Hey, what was that for? I have a scar here. *points to scar on her cheek* 

Then they both laugh it off. And then they start kissing each other more. 

Peak romance, huh. Lmao. This romantic ship in my dream was cute. They’re so good together. Hhhhhfffgbnngh- 

And then at the end of the dream, Stella’s sister who’s called Lissie in the dream for some reason, opens the door and sees them kissing and laughing in bed together. And Stella’s like, “Lissie!” but she’s more surprised than angry. They were all so chill in my dream. It was nice. 

Lissie pointed at and laughed at Fierdan because he was a Darnet. Darnet Fierdan. I still have no idea how that was a military rank. But it was somehow. 

And that’s all I remembered from my most recent dream. I just had to share it here. :’D

Haha ok bye. 

~ Shan 

C. + C. — Picrew + Music

Hi, I'm back with another idea for a post I had since December. 

Better late than never, right? Haha...

Anyway, this post is about C. and Calliah. I designed them on a Picrew, and I found this song that reminds me of them, especially Calliah.

Oh and I guess I also wanted to make this post to clarify that they aren't the same person. C. and Calliah are two different characters. C. is the mother of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn. She is dead from the very start of the story. Calliah is Duke's mother. She isn't dead; she stays alive. 

Huh? Yes.

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

Yeah, I mentioned this one before. I really like it, okay.

Anyway...

The first picture is of C. and the second one is of Calliah. 

There they are. My lovely problematic women. <3 

C. has lighter skin than Calliah, as you can all probably see. 

Hair covering nearly half of C.'s face really.. well, I think it just fits her. Her mysteriousness, her obscurity. Except she isn't insignificant. No, not at all. Purple is also her color. 

Calliah looks more threatening because she is. (Hello? She's Duke's mother. The first one to.. hurt him. *cough, cough, cough*). The spiderweb background reminds me of her for some reason. As for the knife.. well.. she knows how to use weapons, such as knives and guns. She's also a murderer since she stabbed her husband (ex-husband?).

Also, their eyes aren't as blue as they appear in these pictures. They have gray eyes. Yeah, just felt like pointing that out. 

Like I said, C. and Calliah are different women, but they have similarities and parallels. 

I'm too lazy to get in-depth on all that though. Haha...

Kinda like how there's a connection between Stella's sister and being an angel, there's a connection between C. and Calliah being witches and devils. Yes, I mean both. And if we're just talking about C., then goddess as well. Are they actually angels, devils, witches, and gods? Well.. probably not. It's just the symbolism and how I imagine them. 

Heh, heh, heh... >;)

What else, what else..? Oh yeah. C. is supposed to look extremely beautiful. She's like a goddess. A witch. A devil. She died, so she can't be immortal, but something about her just screams.. unnatural, not human. 

Even though C. wasn't an abuser and murderer (or murderer by proxy) like Calliah and Z. were, she still wasn't a good person. She was a good parent to Dawn and to Ryen when he was very young, but to Fierdan? Definitely not. C. abandoned Fierdan when he was one and left him and Ryen to be raised by Z. who was pretty much the complete opposite of a decent parental figure. 

So yeah. Just like how Calliah is cruel, so was C. 

And now it's music time. :)

Devil Devil ~ MILCK

Back in December and earlier this month, I played this song on repeat all the time. It reminds me of C. and Calliah so much. Especially Calliah, omg. 

Calliah is such an interesting character, and I can't exactly hate her. I just can't. 

However, I can't let Duke forgive her. I can't do that. 

And here are the lyrics that remind me of the two C.'s: "do not try me, devil devil. cannot buy me, devil devil. you won't make a fool of me, oh no. what makes you so special special to think i would ever settle for that devious dance between you and me? ... rebel rebel, call me rebel rebel. i walk the plank, not a tear in my eye. ... under the water i'll be sharpening my knife. ... you take the shape of everything i'm drawn to. ... but your eyes are dead and red, red as rust...."

... I might be able to imagine them walking a plank. Z. hunting C. Duke's father, Taurel, Risak, Duke, and Fierdan hunting Calliah. All of them blocking C. and Calliah's way out, so they're forced to walk the plank. And they're all on a ship in the middle of the ocean. And Calliah snuck in a knife with her. And then C. and Calliah see the dead faces of the fathers of their sons way below the water's surface. Oh wait, maybe Fierdan is hunting both C.'s. Especially integrated Fierdan since he's connected to both mothers. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on them in relation to this song. 

Devil Devil ~*~*~

♥♥♥ ♦♦♦