Some Random Pics: Picrew, Cats, and More!

idk what to title my posts anymore—

Hi again. It's been yet another week. 

I feel dead or that I'm being killed, but I... that's just a sad excuse of a metaphor. 

College... ugh. So much work. So much stress. And I'm falling behind in most of my classes. 

Yeah haha, I'm totally thriving! /*sweats sarcasm*

idk what to say here anymore—

Ahem, ahem. Have some random pics, I guess.

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Link 1: https://picrew.me/image_maker/684058

It's supposed to be me with short hair and space makeup (the stars and moons look cute).

Jack looking cheerful. The lines under his eyes are the closest thing I could find to his small "x" tattoos on the lower outer corner next to his eyes. And yes, he is blushing. uwu

Fierdan... wait, he actually looks pretty normal? wow. Black and red suit him well. What do you think? Yeah uh, he's just there. 

Ryen is also just standing there. Sometimes I imagine him wearing an oversized white or beige coat. That blue-gray shirt also reminds me of him for some reason. The color does, I mean. He looks less annoyed in this Picrew. Good for him.

☾☾☾

(moon barrier- ha!)

Link 2: https://picrew.me/image_maker/140200

I designed Dylan and Jack here. Dylan is a bitter, short-tempered boy. He has no time for bs. Here, he's annoyed with Jack. That height difference though. It's more exaggerated in this Picrew, I'll admit. And look, the background is water. Heh, heh... nice.

☾☾☾

Link 3: https://picrew.me/image_maker/603740

First of all, this Picrew is adorable! I love it. I designed myself wearing a cat hat and a clown outfit while holding a frog toy and thinking of frogs. cats + frogs + clowns = what's on my mind. hehe :3

☾☾☾

Link 4: https://picrew.me/image_maker/598865

I also really like the style of this Picrew. It's cute and funny. I like the clueless and lost vibes in some of the Picrews. It kinda reminds me of the meme where the anime boy doesn't know what a butterfly is. The blank look in the eyes staring at nothing, the smile, the hand position. Haha yes. Where am I? Well, I guess I'm in the sky. There are both clouds and glowing stars. Hmm, that's interesting. 

☾☾☾

That's enough with Picrew for now. 

So now it's cat time! ;D

Ok so last Monday, I found this cats spot on my college campus. And me, being a cat lover, was thrilled to see all the cats. They're small cats and some are tuxedo cats, so they remind me of Thelma (my tuxedo cat). 

Seeing cats gives me serotonin that I desperately need. Haha... oof.

Here are some of the cat pics I took over the past week. I visited the cats spot a few times. :3

Look at them relaxing in the sun. The weather has been warm and sunny lately. Not now though. It's currently windy and raining. 

There's a gazebo with a few benches as well as a small pond and little stream in this place. It's so peaceful. It's such a nice spot. Then add cats and it's even better. I love it.

These tuxedo cats were relaxing on the bench opposite of where I was sitting. They remind me of my Thelma. They're so cute. :')

<3 <3

☾☾☾

Now it's time for the ??? Miscellaneous part of the post. >;)

With pictures of course. Will there be context? Eh, who knows? 

Ok, let's get on with it. 

☾☾☾

Screenshots from a story on Episode called "The Darkness Within" which I played in November. 

I kept forgetting to put them in a post, so I'm doing that now. Sure.

Danielle = female Fierdan (Daniel). 

These screenshots remind me of when Fierdan (going by Danny at the time) starts to become vulnerable with Jack and confides in him. The start of their close friendship which eventually becomes their romantic and sexual relationship as well later on. But they stay as good friends for a long while before all that. 

Fierdan has lots of nightmares and flashbacks as a result of his PTSD (his own trauma and Duke's). So he doesn't like sleeping alone. 

So then Jack lets Fierdan hang out at night in his room. And that's what they do: hang out. Sometimes they watch movies. It's pretty cute. Then Fierdan starts staying the night there, so he won't sleep alone. He has someone by his side. It supposedly helps with his nightmares and abandonment issues. *shrugs*

By the way, "Jack" is another one of his "J" nicknames. He really likes using Jack because of its connotations (jack of all trades, the jack cards in a deck of cards). He's kind of like a Joker. A fool, a jester... and he has the ability to be evil like the Joker villain. Hehe, he has a dark side. 

ja boi !!

The screenshots:

My heart... ;~;

Don't mind me imagining ja boi with purple contacts and purple hair. I can totally picture him appearing like that at some point. 

Jack is also very twisted. Fierdan isn't the only one who's twisted and sinister. Jack also did some pretty screwed up stuff. He ain't a saint.

~ all the hair dye, tattoos, and piercings to separate himself from his past. moving on from his old self. ja boi, you're having an identity crisis. i know you are. ~

What else..?

I miss writing skits. I haven't made one in ages. 

I don't know where to begin. How to start again.

I miss seeing my characters interact with each other. They all seem stagnant without any new skits. What are they up to? I don't know.

To me, they're alive. They live in my mind. They have their own thoughts and lives. 

Hahahahahaha fuu—

I still add songs to their Spotify playlists. Because... music... yes. Music, my beloved. (the meme- yes).

Ok, I'm too tired to continue this post. I'll end it here.

Bye, bye. 

~ Shan / Cutepups 

Street Style Fashion :)

Wow, I totally forgot about this place again. I haven't checked here in weeks. 

Oops lmao.

I thought I would somehow get inspiration to write poetry after my last post. And, well, that didn't work out. I'm still frustrated that I can't write a decent poem. 

I still got that writer's block. So sad... :-(

So have this Picrew. Fashionable... ;)

Link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/430409

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Jack. Yeah, I think he would totally wear this outfit. That shirt, that jacket, those pants. Hell yeah. 😎 And that hair. Stop smoking though. *smh*

-x-x-x-

Duke. With his all-black left eye (when that happens, muahahaha). I can see him wearing this outfit. Black and red clothes remind me of Duke and Fierdan. That tongue and those fangs. Mm, demon boy~ 😈. Is he wearing a suit jacket? Possibly. Duke never really gave a damn. Uh... peace sign.

-x-x-x-

Fierdan. He looks disinterested lmao. He's annoyed. Those black gloves and black umbrella and black shoes. Someone looks classy, huh. The shirt looks cute with its paw print and small cat face. He's also wearing a chain necklace because he can. 

-x-x-x-

Ryen. He's in a fancy blue striped suit. He looks classy. I think he looks good in dark blue. I also think the black gloves fit him well. Being able to manipulate darkness and shadows and all that~ heh, heh. 

-x-x-x-

Dawn. Such a queen. I think the hair is so cute. Look at those cat face hair clips. So cute. I can imagine her wearing this kind of outfit: that kind of shirt, that skirt (plus it has a plant sprout and a watering can!), those shoes, and fishnet leggings for fun. And a jacket to make it all go together. Nice. 😄

-x-x-x-

That's all I have. Don't mind the awkward spacing in this post. *sigh*

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I've been having midterms lately. I've been so tired and stressed lately. 😪

I'm still figuring out the mess which is my mental health and treating it properly/effectively. I started counseling/therapy at my college a few weeks back. Eh...

I mean, it's something. 

Medications have been a rollercoaster. Too low of a dose. Too high of a dose. Those damn side effects. It's not fun. It's been painful. 

Is it stress or side effects or both? Probably just stress at this point.

Are my current meds actually helping me? I really don't know. 

I still experience lots of anxiety and have been trying to avoid falling into a depressive episode for the past week or two. I'm trying. It's hard. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't have any mental health issues. That would be nice, huh. 😔

What else? Uh.........

It's spring now! Or autumn to those in the southern hemisphere. The change of the seasons. Time passing by. 

heck,,

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm not dead. Not yet. 

another week has passed

Hello. Looks like another week has happened. 

The concept of time... yikes. 

Ayyo, I don’t have classes today. Nice. 

I don’t have much to say. I can’t believe it’s been a week since my last post. Like, what do you mean it’s been a week already? That’s crazy. 

I was thinking about how I didn’t write a new poem in what seems like forever. I struggle with it now. I tried writing poetry a few hours ago, but I.. I don’t know.. I couldn’t do it. 

So sad. </3 

I got that Writer’s Block. 

I also miss writing posts about my characters. More than just Picrew posts. 

Dang. Where did my creative writing ability go? When will it return from the war? 

I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I still get side effects. 

... never mind ...

No promises. 

Screw it. 

I have something. 

Maybe. Maybe not. 

Bye. ~

Picrews I don't have links to

 Yeah. I don't have the links to these Picrews. At least one of them got deleted.

So sad. :(

I don't want to type anything else, so I'll just get into it. 

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1. Me, Myself, and I

✦✦✦

2. Stella (before her hair turned blue)

✦✦✦

3. Luna (? aka Stella's sister; can't decide on a name; Fauna is a weird name)

✦✦✦

4. Sabrina (aka Sparkle)

✦✦✦

5. C. >:)

These pictures are from December and early January. I really like the outfits in these Picrews. The fantasy adventure RPG outfits and weapons in the first one. The emotions in the eyes in the second one with my favorite female characters. 

Luna/Fauna with the angel look. Sabrina/Sparkle with the cherries outfit (cherry shirt and cherry blossom face paint). C. with the black devil horns and the rain in the background (those things remind me of her for some reason). 

Fun fact: This Picrew picture of Stella was very similar to how she appeared in this dream I had.

Mhmm... 

And once again, try to ignore the large blank spaces that I think will show up when I view this post on the blog. 

Heh...

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6. Dawn (with her tea ~)

✦✦✦

7. Fierdan (first with his hair dyed purple for no reason, then with black hair. long-haired and short-haired versions.)

It's hard for me to pick a favorite. Only the second is post-Cincernum era Fierdan. Ironically, he's the oldest when he looks the most like a boy (baby boy,, :~; haha,,).

And here's Duke after his special torture arc where his left eye became mutilated. >;D

8. Duke

hh ee ,, he

✦✦✦

9. Ryen

✦✦✦

10. Dylan

✦✦✦

11. Jack (who dyed his hair purple on purpose, unlike Fierdan)

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That's all of them.

. . . . . . .

Ah, nostalgia. I missed this.

Goodbye. ♥

two days of posts in a row- oh wow!

Hi. Ah yes. *glances up at the title I gave this post* 

Two days of posts in a row- oh wow! 

Haha yeah. Hi again. I’m still not dead. 

I can feel my heart beating fast, so I know I’m very much still alive. *slowly does a thumbs up sign* 👍 

Anyway. Guess what, guys. I had a dream about Fierdan. And it was kind of like what I brought up in my last post. 

Well, kind of. 

In my dream, there was a comparison. Something that happened with Fierdan in around 2016 when I made him so dramatic and immature in the skits. Then there was the same scene playing in 2021, and he calmed down and became more mature and better at handling his trauma. The scene in the dream was of Fierdan at a doctor’s appointment and talking with his doctor. Come to think of it, I can see the dream being a little similar to the skits I wrote about Duke and Fierdan in therapy. Those were interesting, haha oh gosh. 

The earlier version of Fierdan in my dream was so loud and dramatic. He had no chill. I remember him yelling to the doctor about how he never sleeps and doesn’t need it. He was severely sleep deprived.

The later version of Fierdan surprised me so much. I remember thinking “Omg is it really him? He changed so much!” He stopped yelling at medical professionals and being a cynical, angsty drama king. He spoke calmly but still confidently to his doctor. Ahahaha, I’m so proud of him. :’) 

I don’t even know how I knew it was Fierdan in my dream. I just knew. I don’t even have to think about it. In my dreams, I’m like “Oh yeah, that’s Fierdan. Cool.” 

When I have dreams with Fierdan, I realize I’m not an actual character in those dreams myself. I either watch the dream in third person and observe Fierdan do his own things, but I’ve also had times when the dreams are in first person but they’re in Fierdan’s perspective instead of my own. It’s so weird and interesting. It’s like I have the occasional ability to “become” Fierdan and “live” his life in my dreams. They don’t even feel like my dreams; they feel more like Fierdan’s. But he’s just my character. So.. huh. 

I can’t control when I have Fierdan dreams. Sometimes they happen when I think about him before sleeping, but I’ve also had times when they happened when I haven’t thought of him or my other characters at all before sleeping. It’s hard to predict. 

What else? Hmm.......

I zone out a lot more often. For the past year, I realize I dissociate more frequently than I used to. Most of the time, it’s just zoning out for a few seconds to a few minutes. 

But I’ve also had times when I experienced derealization and depersonalization. The former more than the latter. 

Dissociation can be scary. It’s unsettling and unpleasant. I don’t like the feeling. :(

Oh and my doctor believes there’s a good chance I have ADHD and OCD after I explained my symptoms and experiences. So I’m not saying all of this out of the blue. I keep learning more about both of them. I’ve been questioning whether I have ADHD for over a year now. Most recently, I’ve been wondering about how I’m probably more hyperactive than I initially thought. I keep noticing signs of hyperactivity and neurodivergent behavior in general in myself now. I’ve been seriously considering whether I have OCD since around September after opening up to a few of my friends. Apparently, having the types of intrusive thoughts I get isn’t just another depression thing. And how I react to the thoughts. It’s probably OCD. Haha oop.

So all of that has consumed my mind a lot over these past few months. I’m still trying to figure out my mental health issues. It’s a long process. 

For so long, I thought I have primarily inattentive ADHD, and now I’m not sure. I might be combined type. I think there’s a higher probability that I have ADHD than don’t have it at this point. 

I was supposed to call psychologists and reach out to my university’s counseling services. But I still didn’t do that. Oof. Sorry doc. 😓

Well, I’m very tired. I’ll be back.

When? Who knows, not me. ;)

Ok bye. 

hmm... what’s been up with me

Hi. Here’s a post. I guess. Yeah, sure, whatever. 

Valentine’s Day was a pretty good day for me actually. I was in a good mood that day. 

I got to see my family, including some cousins, virtually. Zoom meeting. That was nice. 

The reason? Not that nice. It was an online mourning thing. Yes, I’m being vague on purpose. Bear with me. 

I miss her. ....... I miss them. :( ;-;

I had a phone call with my grandma for a while afterwards that same night. I haven’t done that in a long time. It was nice talking with her. 

Yeah heh....... ^-^”

And now it’s Friday. I don’t have Friday classes. Nice. 

What else am I willing to share here? Hmm...

Well, I’ve been thinking about how I used to write skits and have Fierdan never sleep and how I thought that was funny by how much I exaggerated his insomnia. 

My sense of humor sure has changed a lot over the years. I don’t find that as funny anymore. Thinking back on my old skits, they feel so exaggerated. Like they’re parodies of something.. my own work, I suppose. 

I also sometimes find myself worrying and feeling guilty for bringing self-harm into it so much in the past. Especially when I first started. 

Because lately (actually for a year or two at least), it’s been messing me up a lot more than I realized. 

I have triggers. But they’re very specific and depend on the situations. But.. damn it, I have triggers. Some content screws me up. And specific self-harm types is one of them. I can write what I mean more specifically, but I won’t. I just don’t want to. 

And I find myself thinking about what I said about my characters (*cough* Duke, Stella (aka Twinkle), and Fierdan *cough*) in the earlier years on this.. blog or whatever this even is. And I’m like “Fuck. Why the fuck did I do that?” and I feel so stupid for my past self who was so naive. 

I thought I could handle it, but I’m not sure I can anymore. I imagine my characters in such complex ways. They’re like actual people in my head. They feel so realistic to me at this point. 

So, well, yes. I still think of some of my characters having suffered from self-harm in their pasts. Including in the ways that I’ve realized messed me up severely. I can’t just erase it like “haha never mind all that, they didn’t do [x, y, z] to themselves.” I just.. can’t. Because they did. They did. 

This probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Why am I even still here? I’m not sure. 

I’m chaotic. I’m unstable. I’m emotional. I think I have low empathy. I’m mentally ill. I’m fucked up. 

................

.............................

...........................................

Mental Health update. But very vague.: 

There’s a possibly good chance that I have ADHD and OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot. 

I talk about my experiences in online chats about ADHD and OCD. I relate and feel not alone in being the way I am. 

I also talked about my possible symptoms of ADHD and OCD to my doctor (GP). So.... 

Yeah. 

She can only help me so much. I need a proper psychologist and psychiatrist to get tested and diagnosed. All that official stuff. She wants me to do that. Really, really wants me to. 

But I’m still terrified and stressed of reaching out. 

Which is...... fuck, idk. 

I have another Telemedicine doctor appointment on Saturday. I feel like I’m going to disappoint my doctor. 

What the hell is wrong with me?! :’D hahahaaa-

I’ve been on Prozac for around a month. A little over a month at this point. 

The dose is too low for me to really feel a difference in my intrusive thoughts. I still get them. Like a few hours ago (haha.. oh shit). I’m saying this because I probably got prescribed it since I opened up about my OCD symptoms (like- intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions). 

The first week or so on it, I felt fine. Things were good. Then I returned to college and got hit by a lot of nasty side effects. I talked about it after my first week back at college since I had a Telemedicine appointment that weekend. 

It’s been hell after that as well. I had so many random and weird body aches. 

I got prescribed another medication  which I’ve been taking since Saturday. Ever since then, I haven’t had any bad physical pains. So that’s good, I guess. 

It’s an anti-anxiety drug. Not Xanax btw lol. 

One of the side effects I had before taking the anti-anxiety one was increased anxiety. I would feel so much physical anxiety in the morning. And it was disproportionate to how I felt emotionally. Like, my physical anxiety and thoughts and emotions were on totally different wavelengths. Having panic attacks right when I woke up in the morning wasn’t fun. Ha, ha, ahh... 

I haven’t experienced that recently, thankfully. I hated that. 

I also hated the random rashes I would get on my arms that would come and go and return and leave again. Throughout the day, either of my arms would randomly get a rash that usually lasted an hour or two. My arms would sometimes also hurt as well. 

I also got headaches that lasted all day no matter what I did to alleviate the symptoms, stomach cramps/nausea, chest pain (heart, ribs), neck pain, and maybe I’m forgetting something. But yeah. It sucked. I was in pain almost every day. It hurt and was inconvenient. 

Things have improved over this week. So that’s good. I don’t miss the pain. 

Yeah, I’m saying all this here. Screw mental health stigma. I have mental health issues. It’s pretty obvious. Like come on now. Look at me. Look at this “blog”. Come on. 

I’m not dead. Not yet anyway.

~ Shan / Cutepups 

Valentine's Day ~

 Hello! It's Valentine's Day. <3

I've been feeling pretty good since Friday. :')

(Online funeral services are especially sad though. Zoom... *sighs*)

Anyway... uh... Picrew time.

💖💓💕💗

(yeah idk)

Oh yeah. They're of me this time. 

Because... yes.

(ignore the stupid spacing that'll probably mess up the post format. thx)

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1. https://picrew.me/image_maker/626602

Frogs and cats.

Cat shirt and flannel. My sense of fashion... and fashion I'd want to wear.

Stars on the face since that's cute.

The colors... hell yeah.

kitties and forgs :3 

I'm a cat aro. Frogs are great too.

me: *holds a tiny cat; a kitten* :)

2. https://picrew.me/image_maker/636737

A little RPG character of myself. 

Love this outfit. And yes, the wings and blue fire are a must. Must have them.

Fantastical elements. Hell yeah.

Look how cool this is.

Yes!!!

Nice. Very nice. 

3. https://picrew.me/image_maker/606067

Pixel art style. 

It looks cute.

Cat shirt. Haha me.

Wings because wings are cool.

Dang, that's me.

Heck yeah!

:)

4. https://picrew.me/image_maker/129580

Love the vibes in this...

... uh, well, "e-thot maker".

(lmao)

hehehehehe me-

yeah ahhhhhh

(idk what else to say-)

HELLO

5. I lost the link. :(

I think this art style is so cute. The colors and line art. 

I love it. <3

Cat ears and wings and peace signs. Heck yeah! 

The energy!! The vibes!! :D

The outfit. Yes, obviously.

The colors... <3

*insert happy screaming here or something*

6. https://picrew.me/image_maker/395214

Asexual flag background this time. 

The face is how I feel a lot of the time.

(yeah... idk what else to say.)

Wings yet again! 

The blue parts. Hehe, I like light blue. :)

Cool.

(lol ok)

7. https://picrew.me/image_maker/29841

Black, gold/beige, and red colors this time. 

Changing things up. ;)

Kitsune. Six-tailed fox. Yes. 

Black gloved hands. Ace card. 

The outfit. The stars and other effects.

Epic. <3

8. https://picrew.me/image_maker/230257

Ah, why yes. Another aromantic flag background. Another Picrew with frogs (aka "Little Guys").

Featuring silly clown doll. :3

Wings! Again.

hehehehehehheheheheheheheheheeee

It's cute. 

Of course it is.

:) ~*~*~*~ :D

9. https://picrew.me/image_maker/215621

The colors in this Picrew can be bright and saturated. 

So many options and features! The background is the aro flag, and the pin is the aromantic-asexual flag. 

This is so freaking cute! I love the vibes here too! :D

The emoji face pin and smiley star. Aww. :3

The black cat is supposed to be Thelma. My cat. <3

"HAVE A GREAT DAY!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

*tries to not cringe at the messed up format*

Anyway!

Pictures of Thelma and me:

(hehe, so silly!)

Ok so, I took these the day before I left back for college. 

I miss my Thelma baby. :(

Oh yeah. She turned 9 this month! This small cat is now 9 years old! :O

She's my baby, but I'm also her baby. Baby Thelma. Mama Thelma. 

Thelmama. <3 

Yes, she was sitting on top of me, rubbing her face against mine, and purring. She can be very protective, haha how sweet. 

Me: *meows that sound like I'm crying like a kitten in pain*

Thelma: *rushes up to me, purring like I'm her kitten and she's the mama cat*

I love her so much. 

💖💕

~ Shan / Cutepups / whatever name I go by