idk how to title my posts

Hi. I'm back with another post. I haven't planned on making this post about any specific topic, so it's going to be about several.

 I'm reverting back to my past self. Oh god.

So... uh... how's it going? How's it been? 

I've been busy these last several weeks. Oh yeah. I finally got a job. I worked this summer. Earned my own money. I finally did that. 

And now I'm back at college. 😐

Eh, I don't feel like going into details about my job. Maybe I will in another post. I don't know. I have so many ideas, and I quickly drop most of them. 

What else? Well...

It's already been over a year since my Sunshine passed away. The anniversary had such a different mood. The date this year felt so different. Much happier, less stressed, less... pain. It was also on Rosh Hashanah this year.

Yeah, so... that happened.

.......... Now my family has this puppy (old picture of Lilly):

Lilly liked her elephant toy. Look at her wanting me to give it to her. Haha, Silly Lilly. :P

..... Yeah.

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OCs time:

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/701767

I know, I know. So many Picrews. So many posts with this. 

I know, okay? God—

I think this was the last time I designed most of my OCs on a Picrew. This was way back in April. Haha, it sure has been a while...

But first, here's the one I made for myself. 

Me :)

[Sorry in advance for any awkward spacings throughout this post.]

And onto my characters:

[top to bottom: Stella, Luna (formerly called her Fauna), Ardere, Brock (finally designed him on a Picrew; his fashion sense is terrible yet wonderful lmao)]

Continuing:

[top to bottom: Dawn, kid Danny (Pre-Fierdan), Fierdan (edgy adult loves the color black), Ryen, kid Jack, Jack (current day in the story universe), Dylan]

They look so cute in this art style. I still love it. <3

I guess that's a refresher for you all on what they look like. Yeah, sure, whatever.

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So... I've been thinking of what mental health diagnoses they could potentially receive. 

The other day, I was thinking back on what I used to say. Anyway, I'm here to make some adjustments. Yes. Again. 

I'm shaking my head at my past self (selves?).

I'm also adding more stuff. Because... screw it, I don't have to give my reasons. 😶

[Warning: mentions of drugs/drug use, trauma/abuse, murder]

Jack: I keep on laughing at my past self for thinking he would only have inattentive type ADHD. Like.. no?? What was I thinking?? Ahem. Anyway, he has combined type ADHD. and Substance Use Disorder. and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I also finally have something to say about Jack and drugs. So, uh, here:

By the time Jack becomes another main character in the story universe timeline and he's close with Fierdan, he's been to and completed rehab. And by the time he's hanging out with Fierdan, Stella, and the others, the drugs he takes aren't on the same level as addiction as the drugs that led to his drug addictions. It's still a dependency though. Will Jack completely stop taking recreational drugs? I really don't know. In his 20s, I can only really see him having increased periods time without taking any substance (the sobriety periods get longer over time). In context, Jack is 23 when he meets and eventually starts working together with Fierdan, Stella, and the rest of them. I mean, not Ryen and Dylan since they've known Jack longer. I hope you guys know what I mean. Also, this doesn't include any prescribed drug (ADHD medication). He got addicted to certain drugs because he used them as ways to treat his severe ADHD. So, well, he's now on ADHD medication. He might still be on methadone. I don't know any more details on that. 

List of Drugs Jack Became Addicted To: opioids (heroin, morphine, fentanyl); cocaine.

List of Non-Prescription Drugs that I Don't Consider Jack Technically Addicted To: nicotine; marijuana. Basically, he smokes at least sometimes. 

Don't do drugs, kids. 😶

Actually, I'll just include the ones I made changes to. 

Dawn: C-PTSD; Dissociative Amnesia; Derealization-Depersonalization Disorder. 

Stella: Generalized Anxiety Disorder; a Depressive Disorder (unsure of whether or not it would be Major Depressive Disorder (Ryen has that, by the way)); PTSD (yeah, screw it, she has that). And I'm starting to consider that Stella also has ADHD (inattentive type) and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I might be projecting myself there, though. Mm... perhaps. Stella is my character from this story universe that I intentionally created to be most like me (with differences too, of course). 

Dylan: I don't think I ever wrote about his before, so here's something new. Anyway, he might also have Autism Spectrum Disorder. At this point, I know he has Misophonia and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Oh and I have GAD. So... yeah.

Luna: Ok so, this isn't a disorder, but I feel like adding it now anyway. Luna was a Gifted Child. Oh and she might also be autistic. I'm not sure. I am less sure about her than Stella.

And of course, an update to Fierdan's. :}

Fierdan: C-PTSD; Bipolar Disorder (not sure which type); BPD; Derealization-Depersonalization Disorder; Brief Psychotic Disorder. And not technically a disorder, but he has addictive tendencies. At some point, the other characters (especially Jack and Ryen since they have personal experience battling addiction) worry about Fierdan becoming an alcoholic and addict of other drugs. He might just willingly be self-destructive in choosing to not be sober most of the time, but I'm not sure if he ever becomes "addicted" addicted. Anyway, Fierdan definitely has an unhealthy relationship with substances. Fierdan also has traits from all Cluster B Personality Disorders, but after thinking things through, he has the most from BPD, so he could potentially be diagnosed with that. 

I'm a terrible writer, so most of my lines of thinking on all this come from my (fluctuating) desire to rewrite everything to the story I've already written and my ideas for what happens to my characters much later in the overall storyline. Like, in my "updated" version of everything, I keep getting thoughts which tell me Fierdan has bipolar and BPD. And no, they're not the same thing.

I've always known he has depressive episodes, but I want to make it more clear that he also gets manic episodes. Looking back on my old stuff, I feel like maybe I was hinting at him experiencing mania at times but without having the vocabulary and knowledge to get into all that. I know Fierdan doesn't only have depression and PTSD. He has severe mood swings, impulse control issues and lots of risk-taking behaviors, unstable relationships (every type of relationship), and identity distortions (lack of knowing his himself- self-image and disconnect from being grounded in reality). 

And I couldn't perceive Fierdan as not experiencing psychosis. Because he does. Maybe it's part of his disorders (BPD? C-PTSD?). I know he doesn't have schizophrenia. But I felt like adding psychosis separately since it's different from dissociation (which can be found in C-PTSD, BPD, and Derealization-Depersonalization). And maybe that last one is just a few symptoms and not a separate disorder for him.

[Oh god, I might be particularly passionate about the psychological states of my characters and which conditions they have. Maybe as part of a hyper-fixation and/or special interest of mine? My brain,, uhhhhhhh—]

 Note: I'm by no means an expert; I'm just writing all this based on my knowledge that I've collected myself for the most part.  

By the way, everything I wrote for Fierdan also goes for Duke. Since, well, Duke is a part of Fierdan's complete identity. Duke is Fierdan. Duke is basically an alternative consciousness of Fierdan— so extreme that Duke has his own life and is believed by himself and most other characters as being a "complete" person. 

I think that if Duke never physically separated from Fierdan yet Fierdan still did create a separate consciousness based on his own, Duke would pretty much be an alter/headmate of Fierdan's like in DID or OSDD. 

If you don't know what any term I used means, I suggest you look it up. Also, look at my Note above. And of course, this is all fiction in a not-completely-realistic-fiction-story-universe. 

Oh and have these random things I have to say but don't know where to categorize in this post:

Time is weird in Cincernum. It doesn't pass the same way it does here. It doesn't pass the same way it does where Stella and Ardere and all those people are, which isn't any different from how time passes where Ryen and Dylan and all those people are. Cincernum is something else entirely. Cincernum is weird. 

In Cincernum, people and other "living" things aren't dead... nor alive. Everything is in a weird state. Fierdan doesn't age normally (like how he would on Earth... without going into the different timelines created from being in Cincernum). Ryen is always older than Fierdan despite him not spending time in Cincernum. 

Does Fierdan spend months or years or decades in Cincernum? The passage of time there is very distorted,  so it's hard to exactly translate it to how time passes here (Earth). If it did, Fierdan would have to be over 18 since he helped "create" Duke (Duke is 18 when the story events begin); then add all the years before he went to Cincernum (which was when he was between the ages of 15 and 17). Fierdan would have to be so old if time passed normally. But he's not in his 40s or something. When the story events take place (not including flashbacks or whatever), he's 22. 

It's so fucking weird, I know.   

And since Fierdan isn't fully alive in Cincernum (I like to think of him as being in this dormant-like state but able to talk and move— with lots of fatigue so not at the same level of energy as a healthy person), he doesn't need food, drinks, or sunlight. 

After leaving Cincernum, Fierdan has lots of trauma over being stuck there for what probably felt like an eternity to him. Soulless was there with him. Soulless never drifted far from Fierdan until he kills it. And Fierdan killing Soulless is at the end of story 1. Soulless abused Fierdan in various ways ever since he was a child. And it got worse over the years. Oh and Fierdan invalidates his experiences because Soulless isn't human. The character that abused him the most and worst isn't human. Soulless, a demon, abused him physically. Z, his father, who is definitely a child abuser, didn't abuse Fierdan (physically, anyway).

What is Cincernum? I don't feel like going into detail, but it's basically a separate, small realm. Everything's dark. There's black goop covering the floors and walls. Why black goop? I don't know. There just is. Also, no one can access it without Fierdan or Soulless knowing. But since no one knew about it, no one could. Then again, Soulless was controlling Fierdan. That is until Fierdan started successfully planning Soulless's execution and freed himself from being Soulless's puppet (or doll or toy, whichever word you prefer). Honestly, it's such a turning and touching moment when Fierdan goes to the world of the dead (what I used to call "Heaven"), finds Luna (who happens to be Stella's sister) being threatened and harassed by Duke's "human father" (as I refer to him), brings her to Cincernum, and they start working together. They help each other with their goals. It's sweet. 

Anyway, back to the main question— Cincernum is a realm created by Fierdan and Soulless. Just not as consciously as "creating" Duke. It's their world. And it sucks. Cincernum is awful. It's depressing, okay. How did they create it? I don't know the technicalities. All I know is that Fierdan (who is being manipulated by Soulless during all this) becomes extremely homicidal and can't fully control himself. He violently killed Z, and not that long after (months to 2 years later), Soulless, who feeds on violence, wants Fierdan to murder again. Which... he comes very close to doing. He goes to Dawn, the person he's closest with (they have history), and nearly kills her. Then shortly after Dawn realizes this, she gives Fierdan poison, and starts living in isolation (#trust-issues). Every other person Dawn knew (and remembered) damaged her. Violated her. Of course she can't just bring herself to trust new people. Then, after the effects of the poison wore off, Fierdan has a break from being mind-controlled by Soulless. He can't live with the guilt of what he did or nearly did, so he desperately wishes to escape from their current reality. So... he does that. Probably goes into a coma for who knows how long and wakes up in Cincernum. Maybe Fierdan considered suicide, but Soulless had plans for him and gave him an intense will to not die (Soulless wouldn't have anyone; it exists because of Fierdan). And so, Fierdan desperately wanted to escape, Soulless helped make that happen and made Fierdan's wish into his time-distorted prison. 

That's pretty fucked up, if I ask me. I came up with all this. I'm fucked up. :'}

And he's still a teenager during all this. 

Fierdan wasn't even an adult. He was a child. What the fuck. 

Dawn, of course, was even younger. But, god...

......... I love them so, so, so much. 

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The inconsistency in paragraph spacing is intentional. 

If you reached this part of the post and read everything: Congratulations. I (platonically) love you.

~ Shan (aka Cutepups)

Meet Lilly!

 Hi. It's already September.

 Another life change: My family has a puppy. We got her at the end of May on our drive home from a vacation (aka visiting my brother). 

The puppy is a black cockapoo called Lilly. She's adorable and very friendly. 

Ironically, I'm back at college now. Today is my first day of classes. Mine start later. And this is when I decide to write a post about her. Pfft.

Lilly loves people so much. She also loves to give tons of puppy kisses. Like, a lot. 

I call her "Silly Lilly" haha. :P

Picture time! :D

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Those pictures were taken in May and June. Lilly is a lot bigger now. She's a growing girl. 

The ones where she's in a box are from the day we got her. She's in a box during the car ride home.

And now she's too big to fit in that box. :')

Oh and when we got her, she was smaller than our cats. Now she's bigger than both of them. It's crazy how fast she's growing. 

She's turning 6 months old next week. 

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And I took these pictures of her a little before leaving to go back to college. So, on Sunday morning. 

She's so sweet! <3

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So, that's Lilly. I finally made a post about her. :')

Anyway, I'm a little nervous about starting classes again. Heh...

When will I make another post? I have no idea. 

Ok bye. 

So... Masking? ♾

Hi. I’m back with another post- not a poem this time.

So, about the previous post... 

It was a poem I just wrote on the spot. Yeah, I did that again. 

I wrote it to comfort myself. It’s a comforting writing piece. And like the rest of my creative writing, it’s about a topic very personal to me. 

Which brings me to this: 

So... Masking? What did I exactly mean by that? 

I found an in-depth article (academic journal?) that explains it. Masking information 

It is a behavior (set of behaviors) that neurodivergent people engage in. 

In my case, I was intending my poem/writing piece to be about autism more than anything else. 

And that brings me to this: 

Hi, I’m called Cutepups or Shan on here. I haven’t been active on this blog in a while. So many things changed in my life over these past few months. 

Including figuring this out and getting diagnosed: 

Hi, I’m autistic. 

Turns out I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

♾ 

So, that’s one thing. I could create more posts about other things that happened in my life this year.

Whenever I think about blogging now, I realize how open and public it is. It seems daunting to me, to tell you the truth. I don’t feel as impulsive to make posts about everything that happens in my life as I once did. Maybe you viewers don’t need to know everything about me. And that’s okay. 

That’s all I feel like saying for now. Bye. 

Mask (poem)

There is a certain sense of 

feeling disoriented in the disconcerting situation 

when your lines of reality and unreality become 

blurred so much that you realize that 

there were never solid lines in the first place.

There isn’t anything like 

staring at yourself in the mirror,

touching your face,

and finding out that 

what is staring back at you

turns out to not be your face 

but a superficial version of yourself. 

I wish it was straightforward—

the moment of realization when the mirrored face

turns from human skin to 

plastic, clay, wood— 

anything that’s not your skin,

but such a transformation never happens

since this isn’t a 

beautiful mess of a metamorphosis. 

 

There isn’t anything beautiful 

when you don’t know your true self anymore 

and all you know is suppressing and hiding 

who you really are 

in order to survive. 

There is no beauty in discovering that 

your face and reflection don’t match;

identity crisis rises in bile in your throat 

and you start questioning everything 

because you don’t know who you are anymore. 

This is an insidious type of mask 

that you could go years and years wearing 

without even knowing it,

and you don’t even receive a costume piece 

as a gift for finding out about your own mask 

because in the end, 

there is no mask.

This is ironic,

such a bad joke,

and you’ve got to be kidding me.

Finding out that I have a mask

which I can’t take off and use as a costume—

where is the silver lining?

But when you learn about your own mask,

you can’t go back,

so now you know better

since you know you have a mask,

and it’s better than being in the dark,

not knowing why you are the way you are.

There is nothing wrong with us

for being forced by society to wear masks 

in order to adapt, be accepted, and less ridiculed 

by the intimidating majority.

There is nothing shameful in

using survival tactics without being 

consciously aware of them 

since you’re so used to wearing your mask. 

But finding out that we’re not alone

and that a whole community is out there 

makes the future seem a little brighter

and worth taking those tentative steps out of the dark. 

We aren’t fake,

superficial versions of normal,

pathological liars

for wearing masks.

Know what it really is?

It’s something called

Masking. 

. . .

I

have changed

and will continue 

to change

until you, and them,

and everyone

are unable to recognize me.

I am

unrecognizable,

a force of chaos,

instability,

mental anguish;

a spectrum of emotions and colors

too wide and complex to be

fully seen and comprehended

by any human eye and mind.

If you think you know me,

you are sadly mistaken;

I am no longer that person,

nor do I recognize that version of me,

no, not anymore.

A forcefield,

too much force,

too much impulsivity,

too much 

yet never enough

simultaneously.

Played tug of war

and I pulled too hard,

causing you to let go;

then I let go

with cruel hands that only know 

harm and errors,

with my deceitful fingers that only

spin lies as truth,

and I am caught up in the web

of my lost and forgotten identity.

I have

bled and bled,

vomited up my sickness,

got myself covered in bruises—

accidental? with intent?—

had my heart break and collapse and spasm

in this void in my chest;

self-destruction and self-sabotage,

those are my specialties,

my addiction that I want to quit

but I 

relapse time and time again.

I am unrecognizable

to you, to them,

to myself;

I am unknowable;

the key is that

I am going through my very own

metamorphosis. 

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That is a poem I just wrote on the spot. No plan, no thoughts; I just wrote it. Simple as that.

I couldn't bear looking at anything related to this blog or anything Blogger/Blogspot for a long time, but I knew I couldn't permanently leave this place. At least not with a proper goodbye. 

So I guess this to say I haven't forgotten this place. It still means a lot to me.

I am back. 

April 23rd: Stella’s Birthday

Hi, I’m back. 

Know what today is? It’s April 23rd. Know what I made that date mean? ;)

It’s Stella’s birthday! I made April 23rd be her birthday. :D

(Stella = Twinkle) 

Happy birthday, my blue ice-fire child! <3 

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Anyway, I’ve been working on updating and organizing my original character information sheets. I changed some things. I don’t think I’ve mentioned them on here before. 

I’ve changed my characters’ ages again. Well, Stella’s age. I changed her age from 17 to 18. I think it fits better if she’s already 18 during story 1. To make things easier. That also means that Duke is 18. 

They’re 18 year olds instead of 17 year olds. Ok so yeah.

A few of my game night friends and I have been introducing each other to our oc’s. So that’s what’s been happening lately. Introducing my irl friends to my twisted mind. Uh, I mean my characters. Ha, ha...

Stella’s Intro Info Sheet: 

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Name: Stella L. *(haven’t completely decided on a last name yet)*

Age: 18

Height: 5’4”

Eye color: Blue

Current hair color: Dark blue with the roots and some strands being strawberry blonde (her natural hair color)

Sexuality: Aro-spec Asexual

Assigned sex: Female

Gender: Female or feminine-leaning nonbinary? (gender questioning lol)

Pronouns: She/her

Likes: Listening to music, singing, freedom, reading, poetry, her sister, adventure, blue and silver and black, having a purpose

Dislikes: Her parents, liars, the people who want to harm her and her friends, confinement, math, double standards, being blamed for things which aren’t her fault, anxiety, depression

Personality: Reserved, quiet, nervous and worried a lot, stubborn at times, indecisive 

Fears: Her school bullies, being manipulated, drowning, being harmed, betrayal, guns and gunshots, being forced into life-and-death situations in general

Backstory: Stella’s home life is rather unfortunate. Her parents were either distant or treated her unfairly compared to her younger sister. They always preferred her over Stella. Then one fateful day a few years ago from when the story begins, she and her sister get caught in an accident turned tragedy. Since Stella was the only one out of the two to survive, her parents end up blaming her for her sister’s death. Already having trouble talking to people and making friends, her parents make it even harder by only allowing her to go to school and her bedroom. Add her personality and being deemed unattractive by most of her peers, she doesn’t have friends or any good support system, making her a target of frequent bullying. Fast forward a bit and she is caught in another freak, possibly supernatural, accident, which ends up with her being a hospital patient for a short while. Even at this point, her parents don’t express much love towards her. During her hospital stay, Stella realizes that her body is changing such as the color of her hair. The cause remains a mystery for a while until she discovers that she is developing supernatural, elemental, powers. Towards the end of her hospital stay, she fatefully meets a mysterious and fairly charming classmate who is also staying at the hospital at the same time as her. With his persuasive charm, he connects to Stella’s desire for freedom and to escape, convincing her to go on an adventure they won’t ever be able to forget.

Any extra information: Stella is the main protagonist in my story universe. There are other protagonists, but I view her as the main one. It takes her a while to figure out her Elemental Power, blue ice-fire, due to how complex it is. 

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Bye for now. :’)

— Shan 

7 years of existence (blog anniversary)

Hi, I have returned. And uh......

It is time. Yes. >:)

Today's the anniversary of this weird blog. 

It's been 7 years. I've had this blog for 7 years now. Omg.

Damn...

...... idk what to do...

I feel old lmao.

Well, uh, I quickly drew a crow a few nights ago. Since it was Draw a Bird Day. And yes, that is a thing.

I haven't done art in so long. 

Crows are cool, huh. Corvids. Nice.

Look at this little guy. I think it looks cute.

idk what i'm saying—

(spiritixsw is my name on other online places)

I looked at this picture I took while in the gardens at the Palace of Versailles while I was in France. 

Little crow guy... :>

Yes, it was there. See?

Yeah, I'm showing pictures from summer 2018 now. *shrugs*

That was nearly 3 years ago. What the hell—

Ah, what a place... :')

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Goodbye for now. 

~ 7 years ♥ ~