The Rest of Them :)

Hi, I'm back to post the rest of them. :)

The rest of my characters I designed on the same Picrew I mentioned in the last post. And then how I designed myself.

Yeah. Without further ado, it's picture time...~

I like this art style. I like how they came out. (in order: Stella, Dylan, Ardere, Dawn, and Ryen)

Dylan has acne from being on HRT (testosterone) because I said so. Ok. And I like how Ardere's freckles look. Oh and the thinking emoji, which I nicknamed the "hmm" emoji, reminds me of Ryen. Because it just does. It fits him well. 

So yeah lmao. There they are. My children. <3

And here's me:

yo ✌

And now, bye again. I'll hopefully return soon. 

peace ✌

Devils in Ties (Fierdan + Jack Matching Halloween Costumes)

Hi. It is I. :)

Ok so, I decided to design Fierdan and Jack wearing matching outfits for Halloween. Well, they're both dressed as devils and wearing collared shirts with ties. The colors are different; I chose the colors that fit each of them better. 

Anyway, that's how I'm imagining them celebrating Halloween. It's cute. 

...... what's with the alcohol and cigarettes though? guys, stop. *smh*

(By devils, I mean devil horns and devil tail. That's it lol)

And of course, I mean I designed them on a Picrew. 

Here's the link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/1300090

bi flag for Fierdan. gay (male) flag for Jack. It's my first time designing Jack with this flag instead of the general rainbow pride flag. 

yeah yeah yeeeeee~

Picture time! <3

I love them. 💖

Decided to have Jack with white hair and wearing purple contact lenses. 

The black and red for Fierdan, and the black and white for Jack. hhhhhh I love it. ;w;

haha gay uwu 

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Happy Halloween! 🦇👻

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

ahahahahahaha

Let’s look at what I said in a few of my old posts on here. I think it’s funny. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lmao. so funny I’m crying laughing so much. uh huh, uh huh... 

- “I’m probably not autistic myself but”

- “make a joke about ocd? fuck you. make a joke about ptsd/triggers? fuck you. think depression is just “feeling sad” and refuse to learn more? fuck you. only think people count as autistic if they can’t function in their daily lives which leads to you dehumanizing people on the autism spectrum one way or another? fuck you.”

- “Don’t say things like: “I’m ocd” ... and then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses.

- (from a dream I had apparently): “Then on the weird elevator ride up (the elevator turned what the heck), I met someone who screamed, "OCD!" and then I left.” ??? idk lol

- “And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”

- “People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!”

- “There’s a possibly good chance that I have ... OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot.”

. . . . . . 

/ / / / / / 

*******************

Funny. 

I had another psychiatrist appointment last week. And uh... uhhhhhhhh—

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Guess what? 

Turns out I’m autistic and really do have OCD. 

Some of what I quoted are from posts a few years old. Damn. 

I’ve been questioning whether or not I have it for over a year at this point. So much has changed since last year. 

And now it’s October 2021 and I’ve been told I “definitely have OCD” and am diagnosed with it. 

It’s... It’s Real. 

I’ve been having mixed feelings about being confirmed about this ever since my appointment. On one hand, I feel validated and that I do in fact have it “bad enough” and I’m struggling enough and I’m not faking it, etc. But on the other hand, I’m still having a mental crisis because it’s real and I have it and it’s... idk. You know? 

Honestly, I’ve been feeling like I’m close to crying and having a mental breakdown for the past few hours. 

It’s almost Monday. I don’t want it to be Monday. I’m scared. I don’t think I can get through this. I keep avoiding and hiding. 

I can’t. I just can’t. 

So many things are going wrong. I also keep screwing everything in my life up. 

Another mental health condition confirmed. 

hahahahahahahaha fml :’}

I haven’t been active on here for a long time, so I haven’t really gone in-depth over a lot of stuff. All of this isn’t coming from nowhere. I just don’t want to talk about Everything. 

For the past year, I’ve been struggling so much. I’m still struggling. I don’t think I’ll ever not be struggling. 

Life itself is a struggle. 

I feel emotionally paralyzed. 

I have two midterm exams tomorrow. I hate Mondays. 

I feel like shit. Bye. 

~ Shan

Yet Another Picrew Post + Cultural Backgrounds of Some of My Characters Poorly Explained

Yeah, pretty self-explanatory. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Let's go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link 1: https://picrew.me/image_maker/28291

I like to imagine them getting their pictures taken in a photo booth like those at parties. The first/left one is of Stella and Dylan when they become friends. I love their friendship/their dynamic.  It's a lot different from Stella's friendship/relationship with Duke (which is on the right/second one, of course). Yeah, that's Duke, not Fierdan. Stella and Duke still had their happy times. They can smile together. It's okay.

-x-x-x-

Link 2: https://picrew.me/image_maker/626197

Stella and Dylan. My blue powered children. Blue, my beloved color. <3 ... Stella has stars because of course she does. (Remember when I called her Twinkle for several years? Haha, those were the days. 😆😬). ... This was the closest to how I picture Dylan's hair. Unfortunately, it makes him look pretty feminine, which he and I don't like. How unfortunate. Also, Dylan is around a year older than Stella. 

-x-x-x-

Link 3: https://picrew.me/image_maker/152665

In order: Me, Stella, Dylan, Ryen, and Fierdan. 

I like designing Picrews with Dylan giving the middle finger. It reminds me of him. Why is he so grumpy? idk lmao, probably because of Fierdan (sorry Fierdan). Fierdan has coffee (let's just hope it's not salty black coffee... *alludes to that old skit*). And, of course, Ryen... (symbolism, symbolism *starts crying inside*). The suit (trying to keep it together and give off an act of professionalism to others). The bottle of poison (being the same as alcohol since alcohol is like poison to Ryen... both deadly, both toxic... *alludes to Ryen's struggles in recovery from alcoholism* god...).

....... Yes. Them. <3

-x-x-x-

That's it for Picrews. Now moving on to another topic. 

Actually, getting into this on a post with Picrews of my characters could be helpful. Hmm... 

Older Picrew images of some of my characters that I shared here before. To help me with what I want to say. 

Alright, so, these pictures are the up-to-date versions of how I visualize them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yep. This is about this broken family. Fierdan, Ryen, Dawn— and C. (their mother).

-and-

. . .

Yeah, that should be enough. 

So, my point is...

The story universe takes place in a dystopia version of Earth in the distant future. Are the names and labels we use today be used then? Or is this just another world entirely? What is it? I don't know! 

But to explain it, I'll use the terms we use. To make it easier, I guess. 

Anyway, because of their... shitty life circumstances, they never really grew up learning about their family. They don't know about their family tree, their heritage, their ethnicity, their culture... they just don't know. Maybe C knows more than her children... maybe, no certainty in that. In other words, they have no culture. They don't know about any of that stuff. And it's sad. It's sad not knowing.

It's sad that they didn't have any caring adults to teach them and engage them with their... non-white half of their identity. I keep imagining other characters and other people in general just seeing them as white kids or kids with no culture. (idk how to articulate anything, sorry!)

C, Ryen, Fierdan, Dawn— they're all biracial. Here's a breakdown:

C: half white, half (how it is in our world) of East Asian descent.

Dawn: two-thirds white, one-third of East Asian descent. (which country? idk).

And to get to the brothers, I would have to get to Z (their father). Z was also biracial— however, he had some, uh, views aligned with white supremacy and hated the non-white half of himself. He hated how his father (a white man) fell in love with and married a non-white woman. Z erased that half of his identity, only identifying with the white side of himself. But of course, he couldn't just delete the other half. So as he grew older he came up with the idea that his races/ethnicity of himself and his offspring would be the new "superior" or "dominant" version of humans. Messed up fascism rhetoric, perhaps? Z... *sigh*

Z: half white, half (again, based on how it is on our world) of Southeast Asian descent. (from where? again, I have no idea, I just have that general area of the globe in mind. maybe Filipino?).

And so, for Ryen and Fierdan: half white, quarter of East Asian descent, quarter of Southeast Asian descent. 

But they know nothing about those cultures and their ancestral roots. They only start getting interested in learning about their family background beyond their parents (Ryen in particular does a lot of research on Z and C) several years later, probably starting nearly a decade after their ages in stores 1-2. And it's just sad how their parents ruined how they see themselves and their family history because they (Z and C) were such bad people. And of course, that has nothing to do with their racial and cultural identities. It unfortunately distorts how Ryen and Fierdan view themselves and people like them. Yeah, uh, that's another can of worms. So complicated. Why does my brain imagine them like this? I don't know. I just can't see them as simply being white. aaaaahhhhhahha

I used to believe Ryen and Fierdan would also be part of Central or South American descent, but over the years, I couldn't imagine it that way as much. But for some reason, I can imagine Fierdan being able to speak and write in Spanish and Latin. Haha, like the literary and artistic prodigy he would've become if his life was better and he didn't become severely messed up.

So yeah. That's my poorly explained rambling. Felt like I should explicitly say it. Just in case people were wondering "Why do you design them on Picrews looking the way they do?" Well, that's why. It also affects how they sound in my head. I mean how I imagine their voices. Not that much, but it does play a small part. ... Now I'm thinking of Fierdan singing at his heavy metal/rock concert being the famous singer that he deserves to be (what a dream). I love his voice... uh ?? lmao-

*alludes to lots of songs I put on Fierdan's music playlist* 👀

~anyway~

Anyway, Dawn is the most white-passing out of them, which makes sense, but she's also biracial. Ok, thanks for coming to my poorly explained TED Talk. <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bbbbleghlbelghbel

eeeeeeeeeeee

@ 3rd one: the only time I designed Z. lmao 

Happy early Halloween. Here's a very old picture I drew of Fierdan dressed as a vampire with long hair and playing with his deadly black fire. <3

~ Shan ☻

OCTOBER

This post idea has been stuck in my head for days now, and it’s been one of the many, many things keeping me from sleeping. So, uh, sorry about this. 

~*~*~*~

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

CCCC

C

C

CCCC

TTTTTTT

       T

       T

       T

       T

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

BBBBB

BBBBB

B

BBBBB

BBBBB

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

RRRRR

RRRRR

RRRRR

R   R

R      R

R         R

~*~*~*~ 

It says “OCTOBER” out of the letters. Hehe. :) 

I have no idea why this has been on my mind so much. Am I okay? I have no idea. I haven’t been sleeping well these last few days. 

There. It’s done! I did it! 

It’s OCTOBER. !!!!

Ok, ok. I got it, brain. Please stop it already. 

Byeee~ 

Answers + Explanations

Hi, I'm back again so soon. Wow, look at me go. I have so much to say. 

I survived another Monday, so I'll reveal which character I'm currently writing a short story about (that character's backstory). I'm not sure how much of a surprise it'll be. I don't think it's that surprising, to be honest. Or maybe I'm just biased. 

I'll do that.. later in the post. Heh. 

Before I go off rambling about my characters, have a boring, personal update. Because I said so. 

It's too hard for me to fit two appointments into my schedule this week. And my family's since I have to go back home to go to the appointments. It was too stressful, and I couldn't handle it. And so I just rescheduled one of my appointments for a later date. So I'll worry about that later. Oh boy! 

blergh blegh blargh blah

Character's backstory new short story in progress reveal time !!!!1!!!1!!!1

The character is..........

Ardere! :D

My lightning sunshine boy! <3

I'm writing his backstory. About his life before he becomes involved with Stella, Duke, and all the others. By the way, I'm changing a lot of things from the original concept I had for Ardere. He doesn't come from a family who lives outside in the woods (*cough, cough* those Sarepia Forest and Warrior Cats clans vibes... yeah lol, I got rid of all that). 

(I'm surprised I remember the name 'Sarepia Forest'— I haven't been on AJ in forever. Does my account still exist? I have no idea lmao)

(My blog name and url is very misleading. Lmao)

I think I always had the idea that Ardere's father was the leader of a group of people. Chieftain or clan leader (based on book series I was obsessed with and ended up shaping my overall personality in middle school 👀). Well anyway, that man's a freaking king. Which makes.. you guessed it.. Ardere technically a prince. Ardere comes from royalty, baby! 

Funny to think about, huh? ;D

So yeah. That's what I'm writing about. Ardere's escape from his life of royalty to his fated encounters with Stella and Duke. Well, first Stella. He meets Duke later. And when Ardere is with them, he's like just another kid. Just another ordinary kid. 

Oh gosh, I love him. I love him like a parent caring for their child. 

Just.... Him! <3

............ oh wait, wrong pic. That's just a little owl. ^-^"

~ blank space oooooo ~

Ardere, my golden-haired and golden-eyed child! 💛

........ if the story takes place in our current day, he would totally have a Nintendo Switch. He would somehow get one. That's just a fact.

~ blank space 2 owo ~

Since I've been talking about Ardere in this post, I don't think talking about Fierdan, Soulless, and Jack now would work. Uhhhhh... adult reasons. Dark and sketchy stuff. They're not good role models. And just, uh.. some other things. Heh.

💬 👁👄👁 💬

It's funny how almost every other character has a dark history full of very messed up stuff. And then there's Ardere. He's too precious. 

............... Autumn and Mae are good girls. :)

Ok bye. 

writing down some thoughts before sleeping

Yeah. I'm here. Writing down some thoughts before sleeping. There really isn't more to it. 

Ok so. Is my instability noticeable in my posts? Because.. well, I am. Unstable. Like, ok, I'm stressed as always. Got a lot on my mind. I can barely focus on anything for long these days. Though I have to admit, I started getting into my characters again. I wasn't for several months this year, actually. But everything else? Yeah, my mind is out the window. No, it's in freaking space. 

I have a hard time not thinking and stressing and making myself paranoid over things I have to do in a few days. Gotta face the reality. And that scares me. Like hell. 

I have medical appointments (yeah, more than one) scheduled in a few days. I'm terrified. Excited, too. Because answers.. hopefully? I have bad imposter syndrome though. It's very bad. And internalized ableism. 

I haven't been active on here in a while, so I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I know I tend to easily talk about my mental health conditions (including highly possible ones) on here and a few other parts of the internet. But honestly, I'm not proud of having/possibly having these things. They aren't trends. It's not quirky behavior. I hate being like this. I constantly wish I was normal. But online.. it's like maybe, just maybe, I can pretend to be confident and not absolutely hate myself for being the way I am. The only way I can see myself continuing on is to at least try not hating everything about me, including how my brain works. I'm desperate to find a bright side to all this mess I have going on with me. This isn't fun. I don't want this. But.. just like, what's the point in hiding it online? I can be more myself on here than anywhere irl. Not just about neurodivergency and mental illness. 

And why do I talk about the potential disorders my characters have? Well, it's just something I've been very interested in for a long time now. I've been very interested in psychology for years now. Clinical psychology. Learning about disorders and conditions. For myself, for my characters. Occasionally, just the general curiosity. But I tend to relate most things in my life (irl, online) to my characters in one way or another. My characters and story universe is a devoted interest of my mine. Is that a surprise? No. It shouldn't be. 

Sometimes I wish I could stop being so invested in all this stuff, but I really can't. Not entirely. It's a double-edged sword. Writing about mental health explicitly, wanting to fight the stigma. But also writing about certain labels also puts my characters in a box. Maybe someone else can read what I write and come to a conclusion that a character relates to another disorder..? So, it's a dilemma. 

But yeah. Neurologist. Psychiatrist. Gonna see those. Uh.. ok. Will I post about my appointments afterward? I don't know. Probably not. Not right away at least. It's always on my mind since I'm terrified and paranoid. But also excited. I have mixed signals into how I should feel. Just.. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

It's around 2:30 am. I'm typing as fast as I can. I'm not reading over what I'm saying. Is anything I'm saying coherent? Am I making any sense? I have no idea.

Have I ever went into my memory issues on here in the past year? I should accept that I have something wrong with me, that it's not normal to not remember so much. I can't remember shit. My friends were concerned. My therapist and doctor were concerned. Anyway, I hope I'm not just being dramatic about all this. 

I barely remember anything before the ages of 12 and 14. Maybe 15, but that feels like a stretch. I forget so much. I'm just a ghost in control of this flesh prison human body getting by day to day. My working memory isn't that good. 

Late 2020 and early 2021 were very bad for me. More mental health stuff in 2020; more physical health stuff in 2021. I was messed up for a long time earlier this year. There were so many reasons why I wasn't active on here for a while. And even before that long break, I didn't post that much. I had my reasons. And no, this isn't that post where I'll explain everything. I'm not sure if I ever will. 

Around this time last year genuinely scares me. Earlier this year, I talked to some people about how much I can barely remember from late summer/fall/winter 2020. Well, mostly the fall. But still. Well, not barely. More like full-on can't. What was I learning in my classes then? What was I doing in my free time? I can't remember. All I can remember is grief and intense anxiety over my own mental health shit and being stressed out of my mind over a few other people I was close to back then. It fucked me up. Plus, withdrawal. I think I was also in withdrawal then. Not getting into that though. And all that grief and stress feels so disconnected from my 2021 self. I can't remember the details, just the physical pain and severe grief and stress I felt every day. 

I also had the worst episodes of derealization I ever experienced in late 2020 through the first half of 2021. There were breaks, but that shit lasted hours and even days at a time. I genuinely felt that I wasn't real, that my environment wasn't real, but I think worst of all, I truly felt like people I was texting weren't real, actual people. That my friends weren't real. And that's terrifying. It made me treat them, and other people, as if they didn't exist. That I was just writing my thoughts out to the void, maybe to a bot. It ruined my friendships. I fucked up.

That's a brief rundown. Is that the right word? Screw it. I don't care. 

I haven't experienced that in a while at this point, but the fear that it'll return is always in the back of my mind. Feeling disconnected from reality isn't fun. I hate it. 

So..... yeah.

And I had physical who-the-hell-knows-what's-going-on-with-me pain up until this past summer basically. That sucked. It really, really sucked. Everything's a blur. I can remember some things but everything's blurry. I can't see the past in detail. It's like looking back at myself when I'm not wearing my glasses. It's all blurred. Maybe I can make out a few things, but nothing's in focus. That's what it feels like.

I'm so disconnected from my past selves. They're not me. 

Who am I? Who is the real me? I don't know my identity. I don't know who I am. Not entirely. I hate not knowing. It's hard to have a sense of self when I can't remember so much from my past, including how I was a few months ago. It scares me. 

I hate being disconnected. I hate how bad my memory has become. I hate all of this. 

I'm assuming all of that is why I got a referral to see a neurologist. Maybe the physical pain I experienced every day also plays a part in all this. It's not normal. Tell me it's not normal. 

But I want to be normal. I know I can't be. I just want answers. I want confirmations. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, and everything isn't as bad as I fear it is.

What else? Hmm......

I have no real pronouns preference. They all feel "meh" and shrug to me. I started testing out being called he/him online a short while back. Being called "he" sounds nice. Being referred to with masculine terms are nice (dude, guy, bro, sir, etc.). I'm cool with it. I don't consider it my obvious favorite though. I'm generally apathetic. I still accept she/her and they/them. They all feel "meh" *shrugs* to me.

Gender identity still confuses the hell out of me. I don't know the specifics, but this year made me believe more than ever that it feels like I'm probably not cis. I've started accepting that I've been feeling like I'm pretending/lying to everyone, that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. And the strings are wearing out; the mask feels like it's slipping. I think about masking a lot. It's getting harder and harder to keep all these masks up. Mental health and gender. Yeah.

This shit's confusing. Like.. fuck.

I'm not reading over this. I'm tired. I keep typing "This" and "this"... omg shut up, me. 

I also want to make posts about my characters in other ways, but I'm scared. How I'm aware and scared of making my characters become stereotypes. What the hell have I done? I'm aware. I know. I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know if I can dig myself out of this hole. Am I redeemable? I don't know. I have paranoia. I constantly feel like scum. I have pessimistic thinking. 

I don't really see them that way for the most part, but I know how easily they can be interpreted the way of being stereotypes. Do I have originality? I don't know. 

There's so much I want to say about Jack in particular. This dude.. geez. I have so many thoughts. So, so many.

Oh and the relationship that Fierdan and Soulless have. It's fucked up on so many levels. I feel like I never really explained it straightforward. And I want to. But actually doing so terrifies me. It's fucked up. Soulless is.. well, a demonic bastard. But Fierdan? Fierdan in Cincernum? Fierdan leading up to being there? Oh god. Fierdan is fucked up. There is nothing okay with any of this. It's cursed. That's the point. There is nothing healthy and decent about any of this. It's worse than you think. Probably. Going into explicit details might destroy me. But I want to explain it all. But.. fuck.

Basically, their relationship mimics various types of close ones. It wasn't always extremely toxic, not from the start. It just evolved to become worse and worse as the years went on. What are they to each other? I don't know anymore. Everything keeps changing. What the hell.

Parent/Guardian ~ Child. Teacher/Mentor ~ Student. A twisted form of friends. Puppet ~ Puppeteer. Master ~ Slave. A very twisted and sinister form of lovers in a toxic relationship. Manipulation. Exploitation. Abuse. That's what defines their relationship basically. They're all of those things. They're none. What the fuck is going on? 

Soulless's age is unknown. Indefinite. Unknowable. Not human. Ryen made Soulless the way they turned out. Is Soulless a brother? No. They're not a sibling to Fierdan. Or Ryen. But learning Ryen's involvement in making Soulless the way they are? No wonder Fierdan hates him.

Just.. Fierdan and Soulless represent toxic relationships. It's dark. Various types of abuse. Fierdan being under Soulless's control. Like a goddamn puppet. It's sickening. Thinking about the graphic details about what happens between the two of them horrifies me. If Fierdan became manipulated over several years to Soulless's control in his life and even his actual mind.. of course he couldn't say no to everything. The point of story 1 is that he gains confidence over time to step away and fight back. That takes such a long time. Duke helps with that, even if he isn't fully aware of it himself. If Fierdan lived in constant fear and lived while being controlled and manipulated, not knowing what it's like to make decisions on his own, can it even count as consensual the things he did with Soulless? Sure, Fierdan did those things, maybe Soulless didn't force him to do all of them, but was it ever really his conscious decision? If he had the choice not to, would he? And besides, manipulation and other forms of abuse were all Fierdan knew. Consenual? No. No, no, no. 

Like.. there are reasons why Fierdan wants to kill Soulless. There are reasons why he hates Soulless so intensely. What they've done together and what Soulless did to him is just so fucked up. All of it greatly contributed to Fierdan's PTSD. All those traumas. A never-ending hell.

Haha, my mind is twisted. 

Fierdan in Cincernum. Just.. fuck. Damn.

....... That's Fierdan in Cincernum. Designed more pretty than how he actually appeared there. He looked more androgynous than masculine, maybe even feminine. All and none. Barely alive. The puppet of melancholy. A toy designed for Soulless's pleasure and entertainment.

Oh and he's definitely not just a victim. There's nothing pure and innocent about this version of Fierdan. He did some fucked up shit. Haha, he's problematic. 

............ This tangent ended up longer than I thought. I wasn't even focusing that much on it. Just.. yeah, Fierdan and Soulless in a nutshell is a huge "What the fuck!". Yeah.

Appointments.. I'm scared. The point of this post is what I said in the beginning. Not this. Please don't let it be this. 

.... I ended up listening to the songs I put in the last post and thinking about the scenes between Fierdan and Soulless towards the end of the time I was writing chapters. One scene in particular. Damn, that was messed up. What the fuck.

Thoughts dump. Dumped them all here. 

I'm not rereading this. 

So, that's what's been on my mind. All and nothing.