December 19th

Hello. 

Well, I lied about making another post soon. It’s been over a month. 

... oops.

Anyway, it’s December 19th. The end of the day but still. I don’t care. 

I don’t know why I keep thinking of this date, but here I am. Still thinking about them. Ridiculous. I know. 

December 19th is Fierdan’s birthday. And Duke’s because I made them have the same birthday for some reason. Weird. 

How old are they again (in the skit universe)? I don’t know anymore. 

Does anyone miss my skits? I have no idea. 

. . . . . . . . . . 

Don’t expect any soon. Don’t expect anything related to creative writing any time soon. 

These past few months, including this one, made me realize that I actually lost a ton of interest/passion/inspiration/motivation (all of those) in creative writing. In writing stories. In writing poetry. In writing... anything, to be honest. 

I guess that could be the major reason why I’ve been dead. It’s because I feel dead. I have nothing left. 

The story makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed now. I’m so disappointed. I keep fearing that I’m still doing offensive things without knowing and no matter how much I try to fix it, it can’t be fixed. And that makes me wonder. Is it worth it? Is all of this worth it? It doesn’t feel like it. 

No interest. No inspiration. No motivation. No passion. Nothing. I’m a hollow shell. I’m empty. 

It’s been this way for months. I thought I could revive the spark, but I ultimately couldn’t. My attempts to failed. 

My depression is worsening. I keep losing reasons to keep going. Lost friends. Lost interest in my story. Lost interest in what I’ve been studying. 

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

I have nothing to offer any of you. I’ve been pushing off explaining this in a post for a while. 

December 19th feels like a good day to post it. With all the significance to the story and blog. 

I don’t have any more words left to say.

Goodbye. 

And I’m sorry. 

The Rest of Them :)

Hi, I'm back to post the rest of them. :)

The rest of my characters I designed on the same Picrew I mentioned in the last post. And then how I designed myself.

Yeah. Without further ado, it's picture time...~

I like this art style. I like how they came out. (in order: Stella, Dylan, Ardere, Dawn, and Ryen)

Dylan has acne from being on HRT (testosterone) because I said so. Ok. And I like how Ardere's freckles look. Oh and the thinking emoji, which I nicknamed the "hmm" emoji, reminds me of Ryen. Because it just does. It fits him well. 

So yeah lmao. There they are. My children. <3

And here's me:

yo ✌

And now, bye again. I'll hopefully return soon. 

peace ✌

Devils in Ties (Fierdan + Jack Matching Halloween Costumes)

Hi. It is I. :)

Ok so, I decided to design Fierdan and Jack wearing matching outfits for Halloween. Well, they're both dressed as devils and wearing collared shirts with ties. The colors are different; I chose the colors that fit each of them better. 

Anyway, that's how I'm imagining them celebrating Halloween. It's cute. 

...... what's with the alcohol and cigarettes though? guys, stop. *smh*

(By devils, I mean devil horns and devil tail. That's it lol)

And of course, I mean I designed them on a Picrew. 

Here's the link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/1300090

bi flag for Fierdan. gay (male) flag for Jack. It's my first time designing Jack with this flag instead of the general rainbow pride flag. 

yeah yeah yeeeeee~

Picture time! <3

I love them. 💖

Decided to have Jack with white hair and wearing purple contact lenses. 

The black and red for Fierdan, and the black and white for Jack. hhhhhh I love it. ;w;

haha gay uwu 

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Happy Halloween! 🦇👻

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

ahahahahahaha

Let’s look at what I said in a few of my old posts on here. I think it’s funny. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lmao. so funny I’m crying laughing so much. uh huh, uh huh... 

- “I’m probably not autistic myself but”

- “make a joke about ocd? fuck you. make a joke about ptsd/triggers? fuck you. think depression is just “feeling sad” and refuse to learn more? fuck you. only think people count as autistic if they can’t function in their daily lives which leads to you dehumanizing people on the autism spectrum one way or another? fuck you.”

- “Don’t say things like: “I’m ocd” ... and then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses.

- (from a dream I had apparently): “Then on the weird elevator ride up (the elevator turned what the heck), I met someone who screamed, "OCD!" and then I left.” ??? idk lol

- “And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”

- “People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!”

- “There’s a possibly good chance that I have ... OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot.”

. . . . . . 

/ / / / / / 

*******************

Funny. 

I had another psychiatrist appointment last week. And uh... uhhhhhhhh—

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Guess what? 

Turns out I’m autistic and really do have OCD. 

Some of what I quoted are from posts a few years old. Damn. 

I’ve been questioning whether or not I have it for over a year at this point. So much has changed since last year. 

And now it’s October 2021 and I’ve been told I “definitely have OCD” and am diagnosed with it. 

It’s... It’s Real. 

I’ve been having mixed feelings about being confirmed about this ever since my appointment. On one hand, I feel validated and that I do in fact have it “bad enough” and I’m struggling enough and I’m not faking it, etc. But on the other hand, I’m still having a mental crisis because it’s real and I have it and it’s... idk. You know? 

Honestly, I’ve been feeling like I’m close to crying and having a mental breakdown for the past few hours. 

It’s almost Monday. I don’t want it to be Monday. I’m scared. I don’t think I can get through this. I keep avoiding and hiding. 

I can’t. I just can’t. 

So many things are going wrong. I also keep screwing everything in my life up. 

Another mental health condition confirmed. 

hahahahahahahaha fml :’}

I haven’t been active on here for a long time, so I haven’t really gone in-depth over a lot of stuff. All of this isn’t coming from nowhere. I just don’t want to talk about Everything. 

For the past year, I’ve been struggling so much. I’m still struggling. I don’t think I’ll ever not be struggling. 

Life itself is a struggle. 

I feel emotionally paralyzed. 

I have two midterm exams tomorrow. I hate Mondays. 

I feel like shit. Bye. 

~ Shan

Yet Another Picrew Post + Cultural Backgrounds of Some of My Characters Poorly Explained

Yeah, pretty self-explanatory. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Let's go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link 1: https://picrew.me/image_maker/28291

I like to imagine them getting their pictures taken in a photo booth like those at parties. The first/left one is of Stella and Dylan when they become friends. I love their friendship/their dynamic.  It's a lot different from Stella's friendship/relationship with Duke (which is on the right/second one, of course). Yeah, that's Duke, not Fierdan. Stella and Duke still had their happy times. They can smile together. It's okay.

-x-x-x-

Link 2: https://picrew.me/image_maker/626197

Stella and Dylan. My blue powered children. Blue, my beloved color. <3 ... Stella has stars because of course she does. (Remember when I called her Twinkle for several years? Haha, those were the days. 😆😬). ... This was the closest to how I picture Dylan's hair. Unfortunately, it makes him look pretty feminine, which he and I don't like. How unfortunate. Also, Dylan is around a year older than Stella. 

-x-x-x-

Link 3: https://picrew.me/image_maker/152665

In order: Me, Stella, Dylan, Ryen, and Fierdan. 

I like designing Picrews with Dylan giving the middle finger. It reminds me of him. Why is he so grumpy? idk lmao, probably because of Fierdan (sorry Fierdan). Fierdan has coffee (let's just hope it's not salty black coffee... *alludes to that old skit*). And, of course, Ryen... (symbolism, symbolism *starts crying inside*). The suit (trying to keep it together and give off an act of professionalism to others). The bottle of poison (being the same as alcohol since alcohol is like poison to Ryen... both deadly, both toxic... *alludes to Ryen's struggles in recovery from alcoholism* god...).

....... Yes. Them. <3

-x-x-x-

That's it for Picrews. Now moving on to another topic. 

Actually, getting into this on a post with Picrews of my characters could be helpful. Hmm... 

Older Picrew images of some of my characters that I shared here before. To help me with what I want to say. 

Alright, so, these pictures are the up-to-date versions of how I visualize them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yep. This is about this broken family. Fierdan, Ryen, Dawn— and C. (their mother).

-and-

. . .

Yeah, that should be enough. 

So, my point is...

The story universe takes place in a dystopia version of Earth in the distant future. Are the names and labels we use today be used then? Or is this just another world entirely? What is it? I don't know! 

But to explain it, I'll use the terms we use. To make it easier, I guess. 

Anyway, because of their... shitty life circumstances, they never really grew up learning about their family. They don't know about their family tree, their heritage, their ethnicity, their culture... they just don't know. Maybe C knows more than her children... maybe, no certainty in that. In other words, they have no culture. They don't know about any of that stuff. And it's sad. It's sad not knowing.

It's sad that they didn't have any caring adults to teach them and engage them with their... non-white half of their identity. I keep imagining other characters and other people in general just seeing them as white kids or kids with no culture. (idk how to articulate anything, sorry!)

C, Ryen, Fierdan, Dawn— they're all biracial. Here's a breakdown:

C: half white, half (how it is in our world) of East Asian descent.

Dawn: two-thirds white, one-third of East Asian descent. (which country? idk).

And to get to the brothers, I would have to get to Z (their father). Z was also biracial— however, he had some, uh, views aligned with white supremacy and hated the non-white half of himself. He hated how his father (a white man) fell in love with and married a non-white woman. Z erased that half of his identity, only identifying with the white side of himself. But of course, he couldn't just delete the other half. So as he grew older he came up with the idea that his races/ethnicity of himself and his offspring would be the new "superior" or "dominant" version of humans. Messed up fascism rhetoric, perhaps? Z... *sigh*

Z: half white, half (again, based on how it is on our world) of Southeast Asian descent. (from where? again, I have no idea, I just have that general area of the globe in mind. maybe Filipino?).

And so, for Ryen and Fierdan: half white, quarter of East Asian descent, quarter of Southeast Asian descent. 

But they know nothing about those cultures and their ancestral roots. They only start getting interested in learning about their family background beyond their parents (Ryen in particular does a lot of research on Z and C) several years later, probably starting nearly a decade after their ages in stores 1-2. And it's just sad how their parents ruined how they see themselves and their family history because they (Z and C) were such bad people. And of course, that has nothing to do with their racial and cultural identities. It unfortunately distorts how Ryen and Fierdan view themselves and people like them. Yeah, uh, that's another can of worms. So complicated. Why does my brain imagine them like this? I don't know. I just can't see them as simply being white. aaaaahhhhhahha

I used to believe Ryen and Fierdan would also be part of Central or South American descent, but over the years, I couldn't imagine it that way as much. But for some reason, I can imagine Fierdan being able to speak and write in Spanish and Latin. Haha, like the literary and artistic prodigy he would've become if his life was better and he didn't become severely messed up.

So yeah. That's my poorly explained rambling. Felt like I should explicitly say it. Just in case people were wondering "Why do you design them on Picrews looking the way they do?" Well, that's why. It also affects how they sound in my head. I mean how I imagine their voices. Not that much, but it does play a small part. ... Now I'm thinking of Fierdan singing at his heavy metal/rock concert being the famous singer that he deserves to be (what a dream). I love his voice... uh ?? lmao-

*alludes to lots of songs I put on Fierdan's music playlist* 👀

~anyway~

Anyway, Dawn is the most white-passing out of them, which makes sense, but she's also biracial. Ok, thanks for coming to my poorly explained TED Talk. <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bbbbleghlbelghbel

eeeeeeeeeeee

@ 3rd one: the only time I designed Z. lmao 

Happy early Halloween. Here's a very old picture I drew of Fierdan dressed as a vampire with long hair and playing with his deadly black fire. <3

~ Shan ☻

OCTOBER

This post idea has been stuck in my head for days now, and it’s been one of the many, many things keeping me from sleeping. So, uh, sorry about this. 

~*~*~*~

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

CCCC

C

C

CCCC

TTTTTTT

       T

       T

       T

       T

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

BBBBB

BBBBB

B

BBBBB

BBBBB

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

RRRRR

RRRRR

RRRRR

R   R

R      R

R         R

~*~*~*~ 

It says “OCTOBER” out of the letters. Hehe. :) 

I have no idea why this has been on my mind so much. Am I okay? I have no idea. I haven’t been sleeping well these last few days. 

There. It’s done! I did it! 

It’s OCTOBER. !!!!

Ok, ok. I got it, brain. Please stop it already. 

Byeee~ 

Answers + Explanations

Hi, I'm back again so soon. Wow, look at me go. I have so much to say. 

I survived another Monday, so I'll reveal which character I'm currently writing a short story about (that character's backstory). I'm not sure how much of a surprise it'll be. I don't think it's that surprising, to be honest. Or maybe I'm just biased. 

I'll do that.. later in the post. Heh. 

Before I go off rambling about my characters, have a boring, personal update. Because I said so. 

It's too hard for me to fit two appointments into my schedule this week. And my family's since I have to go back home to go to the appointments. It was too stressful, and I couldn't handle it. And so I just rescheduled one of my appointments for a later date. So I'll worry about that later. Oh boy! 

blergh blegh blargh blah

Character's backstory new short story in progress reveal time !!!!1!!!1!!!1

The character is..........

Ardere! :D

My lightning sunshine boy! <3

I'm writing his backstory. About his life before he becomes involved with Stella, Duke, and all the others. By the way, I'm changing a lot of things from the original concept I had for Ardere. He doesn't come from a family who lives outside in the woods (*cough, cough* those Sarepia Forest and Warrior Cats clans vibes... yeah lol, I got rid of all that). 

(I'm surprised I remember the name 'Sarepia Forest'— I haven't been on AJ in forever. Does my account still exist? I have no idea lmao)

(My blog name and url is very misleading. Lmao)

I think I always had the idea that Ardere's father was the leader of a group of people. Chieftain or clan leader (based on book series I was obsessed with and ended up shaping my overall personality in middle school 👀). Well anyway, that man's a freaking king. Which makes.. you guessed it.. Ardere technically a prince. Ardere comes from royalty, baby! 

Funny to think about, huh? ;D

So yeah. That's what I'm writing about. Ardere's escape from his life of royalty to his fated encounters with Stella and Duke. Well, first Stella. He meets Duke later. And when Ardere is with them, he's like just another kid. Just another ordinary kid. 

Oh gosh, I love him. I love him like a parent caring for their child. 

Just.... Him! <3

............ oh wait, wrong pic. That's just a little owl. ^-^"

~ blank space oooooo ~

Ardere, my golden-haired and golden-eyed child! 💛

........ if the story takes place in our current day, he would totally have a Nintendo Switch. He would somehow get one. That's just a fact.

~ blank space 2 owo ~

Since I've been talking about Ardere in this post, I don't think talking about Fierdan, Soulless, and Jack now would work. Uhhhhh... adult reasons. Dark and sketchy stuff. They're not good role models. And just, uh.. some other things. Heh.

💬 👁👄👁 💬

It's funny how almost every other character has a dark history full of very messed up stuff. And then there's Ardere. He's too precious. 

............... Autumn and Mae are good girls. :)

Ok bye.