Hi. I spent the last few hours drawing a picture of Fierdan from that I dream I mentioned in the previous post. I started and finished a drawing, with coloring and a background, all in one day.
Wow, look at me go. I impressed myself. :D
I had the urge to draw Fierdan in the specific outfit I had in mind. I just had to.
heh heh heh heheheheheheheh ;)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yes. I imagined him wearing...:
Fishnet leggings. Short black shorts (what are they called, booty shorts? lol). I don't completely remember what he wore for his top, so I improvised 😏. I forgot if he wore a nearly see through T-shirt or crop top.. or a fishnet shirt. I decided to draw a fishnet shirt for him. What else? Oh yeah.. That. 😏
I have a thing again for imagining Fierdan wearing lingerie. I think he was wearing lingerie in my dream, but I forgot what it looked like. So I drew this lingerie top for him. At first, I tried drawing lace, but I quickly gave up on that, so now he's wearing... red straps? red leather straps? Do I know the words of things? Of course not.
I also added a black spiked choker around his neck, and a red wristband that says "F*CK" around his right wrist. Why? Because.. it's a look.
The outfit I gave Fierdan is a whole look.
😏😈😳😈😏😳 ehehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhh
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I also imagined him singing on a concert stage with light purple stage lights.
And since he's Fierdan, I felt like adding small orange and black flames around him. Fierdan showing his fire while performing at a concert... come on, he would totally do that. Well, when he doesn't have to hide from the general public for having pyrokinesis.
Plus, Fierdan was very seductive in that dream I had. In what he was singing and what he was wearing.
Fierdan out here trying to be sexy. 😳 Sexy Fierdan. 😏
Fire is hot. Flames,,,,, sexy. 🔥🔥
~ idk what else to say, so... have this unnecessary blank space ~
Hi. I have the urge to write a post about a dream I had this morning.
Damn, ok, brain. 😳
*pauses to laugh and collect my thoughts*
As you can tell from the title, I had a dream about Fierdan. I didn't have a dream about him in a while. I didn't expect myself to have in my dreams when I was getting my 5 to 6 hours of sleep I get on Monday mornings.
The dream was so unexpected. I'm... idk what to even say. XD
Uh...
I swear, too many of my posts make it look like I'm thirsting for him and no No NO. f uck_
Umm...
aNYWAY—
(I was busy attending 2 of my 3 Monday classes, so now I have time to write a stupid blog post. I have a longer break before my last class.)
hhhhhfhhffghfhfhfhfghhfhfhfierdamn
(I'm not going to include the link to the design maker in this post since I already put the link in other posts.)
The Dream >;D
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(Omg why do I have the urge to post this?? lmao)
I haven't listened to this song in a while, but it kept playing in my dream. Having the dream made me want to listen to the song, so I'm doing that. *plays song on repeat*
(idk how to write. sorry. i am trying.)
lmao ok so uhhhhh—
In my dream, Fierdan kept on calling himself both "Fierdan" and "Daniel". Even in the same sentence. I (Dream me?) thought it was odd but also satisfying how he used both names for himself.
And the people listening and watching him got confused because they were like "What do we call him? Fierdan or Daniel? I don't know! Ahh!"
It was pretty funny. I know I'm making no sense. XD
Yes, take control of your name! 🔥🔥
I know that Fierdan is my creation and all that, but it's such a pleasant surprise hearing his voice in my dreams. Hearing him call himself "Daniel" with confidence. Gosh, that makes me emotional.
I already made posts explaining his feelings on his birth name (which is Daniel). He has such a hatred, like a repulsion, of being referred to as Daniel. He disconnects himself from Daniel and becomes Danny and Fierdan.
However. Years later (probably when he's in his mid-to-late 20's; to put it in perspective, Fierdan in stories 1 and 2 is either 22 or 23), he becomes far less of a.. well.. self-destructive impulsive man full of intense anger. He eventually reclaims Daniel again. And then, he refers to himself as Daniel in addition to Danny and Fierdan (depending on who he's around: Fierdan is like an edgy "fear me" nickname, and Danny and Daniel are names used for people he's closer/more comfortable with (basically all of my other protagonists)).
Adding to that, there are lots of characters outside of the main characters I have talked about. They're all very close since they work together and are a team and all that. (I'm not proofreading this. lmao). Among them (Stella, Jack, Dawn, Ryen, Dylan, Elias), Fierdan can be more "himself" than around the people outside of the group.
"Fierdan" is like a mask, a persona. It's not the "real" him. (I just call him Fierdan most often since that's easier.)
Not having only bad memories tied to hearing "Daniel".. being able to reclaim the name for himself.. saying it with confidence..... the growth. Z not tainting his name anymore. Healing from his trauma which started from Z. It makes me emotional. Fire man df 🔥🖤
(Z (Fierdan's father) made Fierdan hate his birth name. Z tainted "Daniel" and made him disconnect himself from the name. Only years later (probably after years of psychotherapy), does Z finally have less power over him. Like yes ok, Fierdan killed Z, but Z still controlled Fierdan a ton. So when he finally is like "No, fuck that. Daniel is my name. It's mine." ... it's so satisfying. Fuck you, Z.)
(omg this is so off-topic from what i intended on writing about)
Know what's satisfying? Fierdan and Jack taking off their "masks" and revealing their "real" names. No clever nicknames. No more personas. Just their authentic selves. ("Fierdan" is a nickname; "Jack" is a nickname.)
Ahem. Anyway, back to my dream. (lmao)
So in my dream, Fierdan referred to himself as both "Fierdan" and "Daniel" which confused people watching and listening to him. And why were people doing that? Well, you see...
Fierdan was a singer, performing at a concert in my dream. I forgot the context for why he called himself by his names. He referred to himself in first-person too. I forgot the details.
"Hey, it's Fierdan." "Hey, it's Daniel." ... idk what he said. Ugh, damn it. He also sounded like he was flirting. (??? idk what i'm even typing)
He looked pretty similar to this picture:
the hair,, the mouth,, what he's doing with his hands,,
He just had those vibes in my dream. XD
He was such a huge flirt in my dream too. I did not expect that.
And his singing was different from other dreams I had of him singing. The mood was completely different. There weren't depressing songs this time. In this dream, his songs were just.. well.. they were way more sexual than violent.
Damn, ok, Fierdan. Go off. 😳
my mind: hhhhhfffhfgfhfgfhfgfhfghgfhfhfhhffh (gibberish)
😳😈😳😈😳😈
I forgot what he exactly sang. I only remember him singing a cover of this song. Yes, Fierdan singing a cover of it would mean it's a cover of a cover.
I wasn't even thinking of this song. I don't know why I dreamed of Fierdan singing it.
Fierdan's singing voice. Damn. 🔥🔥(his voice is fire ;D ok heheheh)
Me: dreams of Fierdan singing a cover of this song at his concert because he's apparently also a famous singer now (??)
The song:
MONSTER - Aruvn (cover of the vocaloid song by KIRA that GUMI sings)
*laughs at myself and my hell brain*
Fierdan was very seductive at his concert too. And I.. I have no explanation for that.
I swear, I do not control him. I mean, yeah, he's my character, but I do not control all of his actions. He's just doing his own thing. XD
Oh yeah. Instead of singing the line that goes "Ah, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and messed everything up." Fierdan, being extra, had to say "fuck" in everything he sang. So he sang it as "Ah *says it like a seductive sigh*, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and fucked everything up." and him singing it like that.. god fucking damn it. Why am I falling for a voice I can only hear in my dreams? What the heck, brain? Ahhhhhh—
I want to hear it as "fucked up" now. Damn. I wish I could listen to Fierdan's version of the song again. It was such a good cover.
I love Fierdan's (and Duke's) singing voice(s). hhhhhhhh
I also realized that Fierdan started the song by saying "Let me introduce myself" in a lower octave and slower than in the actual song (the video ^). His voice: sounding like he's threatening and flirting with people listening to him at the same time. The second time he said that line he somehow said it more seductively than the first time.
And it was obvious that him saying the "Did ya?" and "Baby" parts at the beginning of the song sounded like him flirting. Like, boy, who are you flirting with? Your fans in general?
hhhhhfhhfhffhhfhfffgffhffhfhfhfhfh
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I must go. I have to get ready for class.
(I'm not proofreading this post. If only I find this post able to be comprehended, then so be it! I'm crazy!)
I've been feeling very tired all day. My head feels weird.
[???????????]
I'm so bored and lonely. :-(
The brain fog is intense today.
I slept enough hours. I drank water. I drank green tea. I walked outside.
What's your deal, body? That's not cool. :/
Anyway. Uh.
I finally go home on Wednesday. For Thanksgiving. The semester isn't over yet.
I miss my cats so much. This semester has been feeling unbearable.
Wait. Actually.
The only bearable thing was how I had "game night" usually every week with a new group of friends I made on campus. They're cool people. Nice indeed. It was fun playing games with them. :)
Anyway...~
Every day, my brain malfunctions and I go on that Picrew website. Yes, I "cope" (technically not coping but whatever) by making Picrew designs of myself and my characters.
“Are you me or are you normal?” — that’s my catchphrase that plays in my head all the time. 24/7.
I’m not normal. Never was. Never will be.
//ARE YOU ME OR ARE YOU NORMAL?//
“!! hyper! happy! energy! :D” (short amount of time later) “... lowkey feeling suicidal. i have the urge to kill myself.” (switching between these multiple times a day).
What’s the real me? What’s my identity?
I don’t fucking know! My mind is a carousel and full of static. I keep on feeling dizzy only inside my head.
I love you. I hate you. I love you. I want to kill you. I want to kill myself.
//HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW.//
I read very disturbing and graphic content for my classes. Most of my reading assignments are like that.
//IT GETS IN MY HEAD. AND IT STAYS THERE. MY MIND DISTORTS IT AND I’M THE PREDATOR. I’M REPULSED. WHAT IF I’M CAPABLE? I’M CAPABLE. WHAT IF? I DON’T TRUST MYSELF. I DISTRUST THESE HANDS.//
//KILL. KILL. KILL. KILL. I’M A MURDERER IN THE MAKING. AND I’LL BE MY FIRST VICTIM.//
I want to throw up all the bad. I want to stab a knife through my head. Feel the blood dripping down my forehead.
Expel the evil out. Bad person. Bad friend. Bad blogger (or whatever the fuck this place is).
Spiraling. Relapsing. Regressing. I’m going nowhere. No progress. Not even making any effort to.
They’re not coming back! They’re gone! God damn it.
//SHE DIED. SHE DIED.//
Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma in the stories. Trauma in the memories. Trauma in the records. It’s not okay! That’s not okay!
it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not—
//TRAUMATIC. TRAUMATIZED. THEY FUCKED ME UP. I CAN’T TRUST MYSELF. I DON’T KNOW THE REAL ME. THEIR WORDS ARE BULLETS SHOT OUT OF GUNS AND I’M COVERED IN BULLET HOLES. NOT EVERYONE HAD THAT SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM. NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN FEAR OF PEOPLE THEY LOVE. NOT EVERYONE HAS A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR LOVED ONES. WITH THEIR BLOOD.//
I impulsively overshare.
I regret it.
And I do it again. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Again.
//THEN I PUSH THE BLADE IN...//
~*StATiC*~
This isn’t real. This is a simulation.
Make it stop moving. Make it stop!
I don’t exaggerate. But...
Welcome to the show!
The commercial break is over.
Welcome back.
//WAKE THE FUCK UP!//
And go back to sleep.
This isn’t you. This isn’t me. This isn’t you. This isn’t me.
//WHO ARE YOU? WHO AM I? WHO THE FUCK ARE WE?//
Peel the skin around my fingers off. Pick at scabs. Tie a noose with my guts. Put my hand inside my chest and take out my heart.
Take it out! Turn it off! Make it stop!
I have no identity. Chronic emptiness. I feed on others’ feelings.
Give me something. I need it.
//I NEED IT. I’M OBSESSED. I’M ADDICTED. I NEED IT.//
