not gonna make it in time

I'm not gonna make it...

... to a total of 30 poems by the end of today, the 30th day. 

Heh. I knew I wouldn't. Should've known better. Ah, oh well. 

I have a couple more poems in mind that I hope I can post today. Definitely not 24 though. Just a few. 

I'm planning on writing two, titled "Apathy" and "Emptiness" that might explain some things. But I don't know anything really. 

I'll try to post them when I come home from school. If I have enough energy and motivation to, that is. And I have very, very little in both right now. 

To make this post more interesting, I'm going to include a song that I think I relate to. But I don't know anything really. 

Monster~ Beth Crowley 

... words can be a weapon, too. 

I feel most "alive" late at night. I take naps in the daytime. I hurt people by the words I say or don't say. I think if people that are supposed to be close to me know the truth about me, they will hate me.  

... I'm a monster, too. 

'Later,

6. Tired of These Dreams

[TW. Language Warning. Disturbing Content Mentioned.]  

i'm tired, okay?

i'm so goddamn tired

and i will fall asleep 

eventually. 

like i always do

every single goddamn day

or night. 

i don't know the difference between 

day and night

it's all the same to me now. 

i'm really getting tired of these dreams:

watching a loved one die.

hearing about their death or..

or watching them die in front of me.

having to kill someone 

to get what i want.

.. it was just a baby.

i didn't mean to

i didn't want to kill 

just so i could have lunch. 

imagining myself as a legitimate ghost

watching over my family 

from above 

from who knows where. 

and hearing them talk about me

to my siblings' kids 

about me, the third child

.. the one who killed herself.

opening up about my mental state 

all out or nothing 

no filter 

no bullshit 

just the honest truth 

that i am falling apart 

and no goddamn thing is okay.

getting help 

probably through some therapy 

but i don't know.

it all disappears into nothing 

when the session is supposed to start. 

i am getting obsessed with getting help

that it's invading my dreams 

but they always end before i can 

receive any of their help. 

damn it 

i really need some.

driving in the car

at an intersection 

red light

light rain

close to sunset.

crash

crash

crash

you didn't just kill your self 

you killed the people in the other cars too.

god damn it 

you're a fucking monster

and the blood is on your hands. 

no wonder you wake up 

with your skin bleeding.

i hate you so much

and of course 

this you is me. 

driving in the car again 

but all alone this time.

long untraveled road 

bends and bends 

and it never seems to end. 

and i'm so lost 

i don't know where i'm going 

where the hell was i driving to?

i'm so sick of these turns

i don't want to be lost anymore.

i want to be found

(find me). 

i'm so goddamn tired

of these dreams.

i just want to rest

but that'll only happen 

when i dig my own grave

and rest in there.

this poem is a fucking mess

i know that it's shit. 

it's nearly 2 am

and i feel so 

fucked up. 

please show me how to 

make it all stop. 

i'm very tired

so please 

make them stop terrorizing me.

all these scenarios i've mentioned are dreams 

i actually did have 

at least once 

in the past month or two. 

kill the dreams before they kill me. 

I can't draw Duke today :^(

Oh, I guess I should vaguely explain. 

Ever since yesterday afternoon afternoon, I had a headache, even though I drank water and took an afternoon nap too. I think I woke up then because, like I said, it was way too warm and it was hard to breathe because my body just (doesn't) work like that sometimes. 

And finally a little before halfway through the school day, my headache went away. 

The past few days (especially Wednesday), my friend was disappointed in me because I'm a dumb fool. And like, I'm not good enough lol but that doesn't matter anymore. We handed in our project. Hope we got an A+. A 100. (lol pls) 

May 1st is college decision day. Yeah yikes yeet,,, ooohh boyyy. I already committed to a school (of course), but ever since I did (in late March) I've been worrying if I made the best choice for myself. Like,, college,, dang. I'm so scared. (lol help me pls) 

Anyway, I'm gonna talk about those two skits I just posted. Yeah! 

• Somehow, I think it's clever for me to try and attempt to put lines of a different language for certain dialogue lines.. that, and I'm being a total dumbass who should just stop. I just don't want Fierdan to say certain lines in plain old boring English because.. idfk, it's not authentic-sophisticated-mm my talented boy oh worms. (uhh, wtf?) 

• I realized that "stella" also means "star" in Italian. Yeah uh ok then. I swear if I made Fierdan said something inaccurate, I will die XD. 

• I said Spanish because I took Spanish classes in school. My dumb ass self thought of writing lines in languages I don't know how to even type. Like.. idfk.. an Asian language,, because idfk (- wait, shoot, no). Uhh.. that's a bad idea, C Pup. 

• Cutepups Logic 2018 version: "plans" on "majoring" in "English" to become a "creative writer" (or whatever the fvck) when I don't even know how to "write" literally anything anymore. So, mm, that's the tea! (*insert picture of me sobbing while sipping my organic calm tea and munching on the tea leaves in the bag*) 

• So that's also why I literally have an identity crisis every day. (#what the actual heck am i doing with my life) 

• So I pathetically try to keep my motivation and inspiration to story write by frequently making skits with plot lines now. And why I write about my characters so much. Gotta,, you know,, have that passion to write. Since that's like my future supposedly. But anyway, I'm doomed. (god, why did i do this to myself? ....... is god real? XD) 

• Today, in the gym locker room: My classmate talking to my other classmates (no way omg,, yes): So then in [sorry, my memory sucks] class, he [Mr. H] said, "Is god real?" because we were getting off topic. (so that happened.) 

• I keep on having this daydream that someone from tumblr.hell finds this blog o' heck of mine. And then this person makes a post that's like- Everything Problematic About Twinkle's Story. And the person expects me to cry about it, but then I read it like "lmao true but you forgot to mention these 20 other things." 

• Plot twist in the real realm: I hate the story because it's so problematic jfc. 

• I swear I was just lying on my bed, thinking about how all my characters are amazing actors. And I was like.. wow, the story isn't real. And then I imagined the Duke, Twinkle, Fierdan, Ryen, and Dawn actors having their own charity. And I was like, omg I love these people. Like.. damn. I forgot what the charity was for though, but I think it was to help children escape abuse.. uh, fight child abuse. Because, like, apparently my dumbass brain decided to technically make those characters be what I wrote as abused (it first autocorrected to "cursed" pfft not now, phone) when they were what I called kids. And then I almost cried about this. (uhhhh,,,, get help, cutepups. please.) 

• Oh, that reminds me. I also hate myself because I know this certain classmate of mine has their life a lot worse and horrible. And I'm like,, fvcking kill me self, boi! Hhhhhnggh I feel Bad. 

• I'm getting tired of these bullet points. I'll stop that now. 

Oh and yeah, most of the characters' names are nicknames. 

(more bullet points lmao. nickname : real/birth name. uhh.. birth,, wtf.)

• Fierdan/Danny : Daniel 

• Ryen : Aryen 

• Duke : D__Uri__K__E___ Fierdan (lol yeah, Duke is just the acronym of cryptic words Fierdan yell-sang-chanted (wtf) in Cincernum one day when he was (high on black goop) with that demonic bastard, Soulless. I'm just gonna call Soulless a demonic bastard from now on, thank you very much. I first made Fierdan said it a few months ago, haha. After the whole DUKE, it's just Fierdan. So it's.. DUKE Fierdan. Duke is a version of Fierdan, so what did you expect lol? His own original organic name? Lol nah. This boy doesn't deserve that. And Fierdan is just a nickname of Daniel (somehow, I don't get my fire boy's thinking patterns ;;.), so Duke is really just a more complex nickname of Daniel. Why Daniel? Because.. damn Daniel, that's why now eff off XD. Jk, jk.) 

• Twinkle : Stella 

• Dawn : Dawn 

• Finny : Finny (or.. Finn) 

• yeah uh, i haven't thought this through for anyone else. whoops. 

Thanks for reading today's version of whatever the fvck I just typed up there. :) 

After school today, I felt like drawing scenes from those past two recent skits I wrote. 

I first drew Finny, then I drew Ardere, and then I drew Duke. Haha, I gave up on him. Duke, I already draw him so much already. 

I was too tired to draw anyone else. 

Just a doodle. Me and my bad art skills. Mm. 

It's supposed to be the scene in the beginning of this skit before Twinkle comes in. 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/04/uhh-skit.html?m=1

Light // Dark because Finny and Ardere symbolize being "light" characters, and Duke (and Fierdan as well, but I didn't draw him here) symbolize being "dark" characters. 

I love these boys. ;v; <3 

I couldn't decide on how to draw Duke's hair. I wanted to draw him with his shorter hair style- but his hair being all dark brown/black. 

Ardere.. he's okay I guess. Not a fan on how I drew him. 

Finny looks the best because I drew him first. 

So yeah lol here: 

What is art?? Bad, bad, bad. Bad!! 

Finny is supposed to be an inch or two taller than Duke. Ardere is supposed to be way shorter than Finny and Duke. I feel like I always draw Duke's head bigger than the other characters, and I hate myself for that too. 

I really want to draw the ultimate fierdan pose deluxe buy it for $9.99. Remind me to do that some time. Thanks. 

Damn :/. I drew Duke looking fvcking drunk again (drunkie! :/). He looks.. dead. I love making fun of him when looking at my bad art of him. It's funny and makes me feel bad too! He's shrugging. That's why his shoulder is raised like that. Just imagine him shrugging and being like, "oh! hahaha, i haven't slept in days either because of nightmares and cutepups made me traumatized again! existential crisis! wahoo!" (..... when are you gonna get that therapy, cutepups?) 

Ardere's head is too small. He looks too short. I'm sorry, my lightning sunshine boy. ;-;

I don't know why I drew Finny wearing khakis. Just roll with it. Finny can wear whatever he so pleases. 

Ardere has some freckles because why not. Let him be. My cheerful son. 

Mock how I drew Duke in the comments below! (#what a looser :^3) 

.. i know what i said. 

Bye. 

k.

............... whatever. 

hi. 

o.k.

That skit, huh? Mm omg. 

Damn, that was deep. 

Know what's also deep? This sense that I'm drowning. 

Haha, I can barely breathe. : ) 

Yeah. Whatever. 

I feel awful again. Lol. 

I sleep (or attempt to sleep) more, but that only results in more headaches. And they won't go away. 

And it hurts, god damn it. 

I really feel like the only one who gives a sh¡t is my cat. 

Anyway, so yeah. Those other languages in that skit though. 

Hearing Fierdan/Duke(/Soulless?) speaking other languages (besides boring freaking English) in my head gives me life. Their voices.. hot damn. 

Viewers: *just give up on me (lol who hasn't) and leave* 

But yeah. Kinda been thinking of using Spanish and Latin for certain.. stuff. 

Because English? ...nah. 

Plot twist/spoiler/whatever the fvck: Twinkle is really just a nickname for Stella. But Twinkle doesn't really know that until.. much later. 

Yeah. 

It's 2 am, but I was sleeping before. I just woke up around 40 minutes ago or something. 

It's way too warm in here. I can barely breathe. My head hurts so much. I feel like absolute sh¡t. 

......... friends,,,,, what the actual fvck. lol!! what's that like?? 

hit me tf up. 

gotta love being a fvck up!! gotta love never being good enough!! gotta love never doing anything right!! gotta love never being and doing enough!! gotta love how they really just stay your friend out of pity!! gotta love how you made her hate you!! 

when will i not want to die? lol. 

why are all my good friends people from online? why do all people in person bore me so much and aren't fun? why can't my friend ever be fun? 

like..lol..why. 

fvck friends who make you feel like you're never enough. fvck friends who make you feel like sh¡t. fvck friends who rant/vent to you, but you know you can't do the same despite what they might say at another time. 

i don't think i'll ever be comfortable sharing/expressing/exposing my whole self to anyone besides my friends over the internet. which basically means i doubt i'll ever be comfortable being myself around any "friend" i make in person. 

which is a terrible way to live! but whatever, fvck it. fvck this sh¡t. 

jokes on me. thinking i can go a week feeling good. lol that ain't happening! 

...........,,,,,,,,::::::;;;;;;;;;;;;

regretregretregrettegretregretregretregretregretregretrrgretregretregretregretregretregretregretregretregretregret

go and.. delete myself. 

psst,, i'm really only so dramatic/emotional on here because i refuse to be anywhere else. no one would like that. me, expressing my true thoughts and feelings? bad idea, it's bad, can't do that. 

might die. 

it's almost may. :^) 

fvck. fvck. fvck. 

bye. 

Fierdan, the pretty fire boy,, (skit)

Hi, I've been looking forward to continuing the skit I finished at 1 am for some reason ever since I posted it! 

I'm excited! >:) 

Anyway, the appointment wasn't that terrible. I didn't have an urge to die after leaving that place. (woohoo!) 

I had this title stuck in my head ever since I went to school. 

My last day of coming to school a few hours later is tomorrow (edit: I mean Wednesday). Then it's back to always waking up very early. Oh darn. 

Without further ado, here's another skit! :) 

Edit: Warning for body horror. And angst. I was typing this for 4 hours. This skit is a rollercoaster of emotions, and I feel empty after writing it all. What the hell kind of skit is this? How dare you do such a thing, Cutepups? 

----------------------

[Date: April 24th. Time: 4:00 pm. Location: Somewhere in the house; go imagine a room yourself for a change.] 

Ryen: *talking to Fierdan* You sure did sleep a lot. You surprise me. 

Fierdan: I didn't intend on sleeping for that long. *moves a hair away from covering one of his eyes* You know I would never sleep from 8 at night to 10 the next morning. I don't sleep that long. 

Ryen: Well, do you at least feel well-rested? *smiles hopefully at Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *looks at the floor, sighs, looks up at Ryen again* No, not really. 

Ryen: Hmm. I doubt only sleeping for one night was going to get rid of your exhaustion. 

Fierdan: Sleep is more unhelpful than helpful for me, Ryen. *looks past Ryen to see Twinkle in the distance walking toward them with her phone out in front of her* But I have this gut feeling that something's off. Something wrong is happening here. *raises head some more* 

Ryen: Huh? What's wrong? 

[Twinkle has come up to them. Her phone is in her right hand, and the screen is covered in "Uri" and nothing else.] 

Twinkle: Hey, you! *points at Fierdan with her left hand* Do you know anything about this? *points to her phone* It's been like this ever since last night, and I can only access these three messages when I unlock my phone. *unlocks her phone and the messages pop up* But they don't come from a listed number. It won't let me reply to them. 

Message 1: I would like us to meet one on one. I can give you anything you want for your birthday as long as you tell me how Uri--

Message 2: PS: I know where Black Raven is.

Message 3: Let me help you, mi estrella de fuego frio. Uri-- 

Fierdan: *looks confused but looks down at Twinkle's phone* Uri? (pronounced like the "ur" in "urn" + "ee") 

Twinkle: Uh, Duke told me that it's the beginning of one of his names. Do you know what he meant by that? 

Fierdan: *nods slowly* Yes. Duke is correct. U, R, I are the first three letters of his second name. 

Twinkle: Second name? 

Fierdan: Didn't Duke ever tell you his name is an acronym? The "U" follows with an "R", then an "I", etc. 

Twinkle: *starting to look panicked* Huh?! 

Fierdan: Duke is far easier to pronounce. None of the letters stand for a word commonly used in everyday English. 

Twinkle: So.. so what does each letter stand for? In Duke, I mean. 

Fierdan: Cutepups forbids us from revealing the entire words. We're not allowed to disclose them with anyone. 

Twinkle: Oh.. umm.. okay then. *doesn't understand anything Fierdan just said* 

Ryen: *also looks down at Twinkle's phone* Besides you and Duke, who else knows Duke's full name? Don't only the creators of the DUKE know what each letter stands for?

Fierdan: *speaking to Twinkle, grabs her phone* You should take a few steps away from me. 

Twinkle: But what about my phone?

Fierdan: It's to keep you safe! *pushes her to be about a foot (12 inches) away from him and Ryen* 

Ryen: You could've let Twinkle walk away herself. 

Fierdan: I don't have time for that. *looks at the phone screen and has a haunted look in his eyes when he looks back at Ryen* That would leave Soulless. 

Twinkle: Soulless? 

Ryen: Do us a favor and go to another room, Twinkle. 

Twinkle: No, I'm staying! What are you two gonna do with my phone?

Fierdan: *ignores Twinkle, reads the third message out loud* It's in Spanish. "mi estrella de fuego frío" (pronounced like "me" + "eh-stray-uh" + "d-eh" + "foo-ayy-go" + "free-oh"). *translates (btw I first wrote it in Spanish before translating to English lol)* "my star of cold fire".. Whoever sent these knows and wants something from Twinkle. If it is Soulless.. *has a look of fear in his eyes for a brief moment before saying* then they know Twinkle is Stella. In Latin, "stella" means "star". I know Soulless and I both know some Latin and Spanish because those were the two languages we primarily used as inspiration to come up with each letter of DUKE. Twinkle's Elemental Power is cold fire. "fuego frío" is a little easier to say than "hielo fuego" ("ice fire"). So... 

Ryen: That means Soulless isn't as dead as we thought. 

Twinkle: *exclaims* I thought you killed Soulless for good! 

Ryen: Duke.. he's made up of a part of Fierdan and a part of Soulless. If Duke is still.. himself, then a part of Soulless still exists. And that Soulless part in Duke might not be paralyzed and powerless anymore. 

Fierdan: ... Soulless is back. They're aware of what we're doing; they can contact Twinkle through her phone. Any contact with Soulless is very.. *pauses to think of what to say, can only think of obscenities, shakes his head, just says* .. dangerous. 

Twinkle: So what are we gonna do? 

Fierdan: I'm gonna obliterate the messages Soulless sent you. 

Ryen: It won't let you delete them. 

Fierdan: *has a wicked look in his bright brown eyes* There doesn't have to be a delete button for these messages to leave. I know a more effective way to get rid of them. 

Twinkle: What are you planning, Fierdan?

Fierdan: *smiles at Twinkle* I'm going to make the messages explode like fireworks. 

Twinkle: What does that mean?! 

Ryen: Don't do this, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: It's the only thing that'll work. Let's just hope it won't destroy the rest of her phone. 

Twinkle: Don't you dare make my phone explode! 

Fierdan: And let's just hope black fire will be as effective as white fire. 

Twinkle: Black fire?! You're about to use freaking black fire on my phone?! 

Ryen: It is a more powerful fire than orange or even blue fire, after all. 

Twinkle: He's gonna kill my phone! *tries to run to Fierdan, but Ryen holds her back* 

Ryen: If you go up to him, you could accidentally touch a black flame. You're not immune to the effects of black fire, you know that. 

Twinkle: But.. but what about white fire? What's that? 

Fierdan: White fire is the opposite of black fire. A person like me could never produce that colored flame. It is a fire equally, if not stronger, than black fire. But unlike black, white isn't the fire of death. 

Twinkle: So you're substituting the fire of life with the fire of death? And you think it's all gonna turn out okay?!

Fierdan: *takes a final glance over at Twinkle before staring down at her phone screen and the three messages* 

Ryen: *holds Twinkle back from running right up to Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *quickly mutters a lot of words that Twinkle doesn't understand because they're not in English ... the only English word he does say is "pyrokinesis"* 

Twinkle: *asking Ryen* What is he saying? 

Fierdan: *holds Twinkle's phone in his right hand, which has black fire starting to show and fall down the sides and back of his hand like black water*

Twinkle: Why...

Fierdan: *stares intently at the phone, his right hand is covered in black fire that looks strangely very much like black water, the phone is covered in black fire, says one or two non-English words, and most of the fire vanishes* 

Twinkle: What's happening? 

[Suddenly, the only traces of black fire ever being present are now inside the screen. Three small black flames cover each of the text message bubbles.]

Fierdan: Three.. two.. one! 

[And just like that, the black flames turn into black fireworks. Like an activated bomb, the black firework shaped flames cause each message to explode and turn into a bunch of black and gray pixels before completely disappearing. When the last firework goes off and the third message explodes, Fierdan stares at the phone in disbelief.]

Ryen: It worked! 

Fierdan: *looks even more terrified* Why... 

Twinkle: *stomach drops because Fierdan genuinely sounds scared* 

Fierdan: *shouts* Why?! 

Ryen: Did it not work?

Fierdan: No. It worked perfectly fine. *shows Ryen and Twinkle the phone screen* 

[The phone screen is a plain white screen. But as if someone is currently typing a document, a sentence appears in big, black letters. It types out, "It's time to talk, Fierdan."]

Fierdan: *whispers* Why...

[The top and bottom of the phone screen turn a shade of gray. The amount of gray grows except for in the center of the screen. Then the small white area left blinks strangely just like an eye. When the "eye" blinks open, the sentence is replaced with another one. It now types out, "Give me back my Uri--" but before any other letters are typed, Fierdan drops the phone. The screen hits the floor. Fierdan looks at his now empty and trembling right hand.] 

Twinkle: *finally looks more concerned about Fierdan than her phone* Fier--

Fierdan: *collapses to his knees, has tears forming in his eyes, has both hands trembling* No, no, no. This can't be happening. Soulless can't be back. They can't. *hides his face in his hands* Why?! 

[Duke enters the room. He looks sick.] 

Duke: I.. I don't feel that good. 

Twinkle: Duke! *runs over to him*

Duke: Why are you so worried about me? That's not like you, Twinkle. 

Ryen: *looks from Fierdan to Duke, and even he looks terrified* 

Fierdan: *slowly stands up, wipes his tears away with the back of his left hand, has a hostile look in his eyes as he looks at Duke standing next to Twinkle* You! *walks right up to Duke* You were right, Duke. I should have killed you! *breathes heavily* 

Duke: It.. it hurts! *screeches* Make it stop! Please, make it stop! 

Fierdan: *screaming at Duke* I should've known better! You've been a house for Soulless all this time! You're the only part of Soulless that still lives! *laughs cruelly* You're protecting Soulless! No, you are Soulless! 

Ryen: Duke isn't Soulless. 

Fierdan: He is! Duke is Soulless under a human cover-up. He's no human; he's the demonic bastard himself! 

Twinkle: Guys, please calm down. 

Duke: Calm down?! It f*cking hurts everywhere! 

Fierdan: *raises his hand to Duke's eye level, makes a fist, black flames immediately cover his hand, then the same happens with his other hand* I'll take you out of your pain and misery, Duke. 

Duke: *stares at Fierdan's fists that are right in front of his eyes* What are you doing?! 

Fierdan: It's time for you to die once and for all. *with his black flame covered fists, he digs (?) them deep into Duke's eyes which get covered in the black fire* 

Twinkle:What did you do?! Oh god, Duke! 

Fierdan: *pulls his hands out of Duke's eyes, black fire looking very much like black water drips down his hands, breathes heavily* 

Duke: *just standing there, screaming in agony as the black fire acting like water drips out of his eyes and rushes down the sides of his face* 

Fierdan: I'm not stabbing all the way through your heart again. 

Ryen: What are you doing, Fierdan?! You know the only way Duke can die is if you do that. He won't die any other way! 

Fierdan: *breathes heavily* Who says I'm ever gonna kill him? Duke is mine, not Soulless's, not yours, not anybody's. He is my creation, and he only belongs to me. 

Twinkle: *is petrified but says* Eyes.. why the eyes? After all Duke told us about what Taurel did to his. After all Duke told us of Taurel's "eye examinations" and how they destroyed Duke's eyes--

Fierdan: Taurel was just revealing Duke's true eyes. 

Twinkle: Taurel left Duke blind out of his right eye, and he caused Duke's left to turn completely black. He blinded Duke! 

Fierdan: And Duke is blind. He's oblivious to everything. 

Duke: *chokes, probably on his own salivia, he's in so much pain he can barely breathe properly* 

Twinkle: Oh god, oh god. Duke! Duke! 

Fierdan: Unlike Soulless, I have some mercy and empathy. He'll live. 

[A few minutes later.]

Duke: *turns his head, breathes heavily* You're weak, Fierdan. You need me again. *the last of the black fire that looks like black water leaves his eyes, his eyes turn white* 

Ryen: White eyes?

Duke: *laughs* You made a fatal mistake by letting Duke live. You're making it that much easier for me to destroy you. 

Twinkle: Soulless? 

Duke: *faces Twinkle with his white eyes* Ah yes. Hello, mi Stella. Mi estrella de fuego frío. 

Ryen: *is angry with Fierdan* What did you do to Duke? Answer me, Fierdan! 

Fierdan: I didn't mean to... 

Ryen: To what? To punch both of Duke's eyes out, or to say that it's all Duke's fault that Soulless is back? 

Fierdan: *starting to panic* I.. I didn't know. I swear! 

Duke: *grins* Isn't this just what you wanted, Fierdan? You wanted him dead, you didn't want to stab through his heart again, but he's dead now. Isn't that all what the two of you wanted? To die? 

Twinkle: Duke's.. gone? 

Duke: Duke está muerto. Duke est mortuus. Duke is dead. He is no more. 

Ryen: No, no. He can't be dead. 

Duke: Duke es mort. Duke è morto. *stops repeating, "Duke is dead," in other languages (in order: Spanish, Latin, French, Italian)* Soulless lives on. 

[Time: 5:45 pm. Dawn and Finny go downstairs after finishing their homework like the good kids that they are. They then walk in on the cursed room of the day.] 

Dawn: Finny and I were just wondering if-- *suddenly stops talking and gasps* 

Finny: *looks at each of their faces* What is going on here? 

Dawn: Fierdan?! 

Fierdan: *eyes widen as he notices that there is some blood covering his hands* 

Finny: Why.. why is there blood on his hands? 

Dawn: *looks at Duke again* Oh, my, god. Duke? Duke?! 

Fierdan: *stares down at his hands that are covered in Duke's blood from his eyes, cries silently* 

[Sparkle and Brock also go downstairs and enter the cursed room of the day.] 

Sparkle: What's all the commotion? I have to study! *sees everyone else's faces* Wait.. what's going on? 

Twinkle: *says very quietly* Duke is dead. 

Sparkle: He's what? Dead? 

Fierdan: *is barely audible when he says* I killed him. 

Brock: Wait, hold up. I keep on hearing that Duke is dead, but like, he's standing right there. What do you mean he's dead? 

Fierdan: Look at his eyes. 

Brock: *notices how Duke's eyes are completely white* Oh.. that's not normal. 

Fierdan: *speaks louder* That.. person isn't Duke. It's Soulless. 

Brock: Soulless?

Fierdan: *nods* Yes. They want their revenge. 

Ryen: Maybe I can do some--

Duke: Oh, Aryen! You can't do a thing! 

Ryen: I.. I created you! How do you know my birth name? I never put that into the coding. 

Duke: I'm more powerful than you could ever imagine. I'm your god now. 

Twinkle: Is this all because of those text messages? Because I wanted to know who or what "Uri" is? *gulps* 

Finny: What text messages? 

Sparkle: Uri? 

Brock: Wait, your real name is Aryen?

Duke: *snaps his fingers* Enough with your stupid questions. *gives Fierdan a look that would give anyone watching shivers* I have the urge to rip out your throat with my teeth. Your crying is pitiful, and I don't want to hear it again when I have to start punishing you. 

Brock: What the f*ck is going on? 

Fierdan: Oh please. I would love to see you try. 

Dawn: Will you boys please stop being so reckless? 

Duke: *runs right up to Fierdan before anyone can stop him, presses his fingers on Fierdan's throat* Thanks for your consent. *makes a sharp motion with his fingers on Fierdan's throat* 

[Ardere and Fauna also come to the cursed room of the day because why not.] 

Fauna: Hey, what's going on? 

Ardere: Duke? What are you doing to Fierdan? 

[Duke lowers his hand. Faint scratch marks cover the front of Fierdan's neck. They both breathe heavily (which they've done a lot this skit, huh).]

Duke: *sounds completely different, the white eyes disappear and turn back to his regular eye color* Ardere? 

Ardere: *stutters* Y-Yeah? 

Duke: *looks around and notices everyone looking at him full of fear* Why are you all--

Fierdan: Duke! *hugs Duke tightly and doesn't let go for a whole two minutes without saying any other word* 

Duke: This is weird, but okay. 

Fierdan: *speaks into one of Duke's shoulders* Please don't ever die. Whatever you do- live. 

Duke: Oh.. oh okay. 

Brock: Wow, he doesn't remember anything that happened. 

Ryen: That wasn't Duke. That was Soulless. 

Brock: *is confused (because of course he is)* Oh. 

Twinkle: *shrugs* Why the f*ck not. I've been here the entire time this sh*tstorm went down. *gives Duke a hug* 

Duke: You too?

Twinkle: You've been with me for so long now. I can't just sit idly by as you leave all of us behind. We're friends, remember? 

Duke: Friends? Yeah. 

Sparkle: Of course you're friends! Don't question it. 

Duke: I'm not. That's just the nicest thing Twinkle told me in a while. 

Sparkle: Well, we all thought you died. So, you know... 

Duke: But I'm not dead. 

[Actually, screw it. Everyone gives Duke a hug. Why? Because I love him. That's why.] 

Fierdan: Soulless thrived on my fears, so being shown love and signs that we all care about you should weaken whatever power they have throughout your body. 

Duke: What power? Soulless is powerless. 

Fierdan: Oh.. yeah. *sighs tiredly* 

Duke: I killed Soulless after they killed me. Okay? 

Fierdan: Oh, so that's what happened? 

Duke: Yeah, if that's what you want to believe. 

Fierdan: *looks suspiciously at Duke, gives him another hug (like bro..)* 

-------------------

wait wtf 

it's midnight

omg 

ily bye thx 4 reading 

<3 <3 <3 

Uhh.. Skit

[Date: April 23rd. Time: 9:00 pm. Location: Living room. The Light // Dark skits are over because I'm too lazy to continue them. The theme of them is to show how good friends Duke, Finny, and Ardere are, and Duke loved Finny. Yeah, bye.] 

Ardere: Hey, Duke...

Duke: Yeah, what? 

Ardere: Sorry about last week. I shouldn't have asked Finny to tell you to play video games with us. You're clearly not in the right mental state--

Duke: *turns head to look at Ardere* What do you mean? 

Ardere: You and Fierdan locked yourselves up in the attic, and Brock heard that you were very upset with Fierdan because he wouldn't actually kill you.

Duke: Uh yeah, so that happened. *smiles awkwardly* 

Ardere: *looks concerned at Duke* 

Duke: Why are you giving me that look? I'm fine now. I still played that video game with you, remember? 

Finny: *walks over to them* What Ardere is trying to say is...

Duke: *faces Finny* Say what? 

Finny: ... we know something's off. If what happened back then is causing you significant distress, then we can--

Duke: *frowns* Do what? Send me away? 

Finny: What? No, no, no. Why would we do that? 

Duke: *shrugs* I don't know. Maybe it's because I got so pissed off that Fierdan couldn't kill me the other day? Maybe it's because my sleeping has gotten even worse? Maybe it's because I don't know where I'll be in a year from now, or if it's even worth attending college? *shrugs again* I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas out there. 

Ardere: We don't want you to leave, Duke. You're a cool guy. 

Duke: No, I'm not. I'm the most easily heated bastard out there. I'm not cool. 

Ardere: Yeah, you are. 

Duke: *shakes head* I'm not cool, Ardere. After what I let happen to you, I really don't get how you can still tolerate me. 

Ardere: You're a good person, that's why. 

Duke: No, I'm not! I watched you get killed; I let you get killed like that. Fierdan says I'm not even fully human and I'll never be, and I know he's telling the truth. That's why I deserve to die! Do you understand? *looks desperately from Ardere to Finny* 

[Twinkle walks in, eating another slice of her birthday cake.] 

Twinkle: *swallows a piece of cake, then says* Duke, you're annoying and way too overdramatic, but you're not a burden who deserves to die. And I don't care about any "reasons" you might have. *pauses* Did I say you're annoying? 

Duke: Wow, thanks. That's so sweet of you to say, birthday princess. 

Twinkle: What the hell did you just call me?

Duke: It's your birthday. Welcome to the 18+ club.

Twinkle: *looks disgusted at Duke* Uh.. how about no? 

Finny: *whispers* No offense, Duke, but that sounded very wrong. 

Ardere: Uh.. I'm only 13. 

Duke: *coughs intentionally* Oh yes, that's right! There is still a child under our supervision! 

[Fauna and Dawn enter the room.]

Fauna: *shakes head to show her disapproval at Duke* The correct saying is, "Yes, Queen Twinkle! Slay!" 

Twinkle: *looks confused* What? 

Fauna: *speaks very quickly* I love you, sis. Happy birthday, I love you. 

Twinkle: Aww, that's sweet! Thank you! 

Dawn: *is about to say something, but Sparkle shouts from the other room* 

[Uh.. lol.]

Sparkle: *is walking, nearly stumbles, realizes what it is, shouts* What is the meaning of this? Is this some kind of joke? 

[The rest of them rush over to where Sparkle is.] 

Brock: Oh my god, is he dead?

Dawn: Where the hell did you come from? 

Brock: I've always been here. If I am, I.. am. 

Twinkle: That.. that's not right. 

Brock: Happy birthday! How does it feel to be 18?

Twinkle: Why do you care so much? You're still 17.

Duke: *says too loudly* Ah yes, Queen Twinkle.. slay! *pumps fist in the air* 

Fauna: *looks at Duke with complete disapproval* Please don't do that ever again. 

Finny: *looks at the floor* Is anyone gonna talk about Fierdan just lying in the middle of the floor like that? 

Brock: Like I said earlier, did he actually die or something? 

Ardere: I think he just passed out. 

Duke: Oh! He's just communicating with some mysterious character in his head again. 

[Ryen walks toward them.]

Ryen: Nah, Ardere's right. He just passed out. He's sleeping. 

Brock: *gasps* Sleeping?! Fierdan can.. you know.. sleep?! He's a human?! *gasps more dramatically somehow* 

Ryen: *pushes his glasses up his nose* Why yes, Brock. Fierdan is in fact a human, and he does indeed sleep. 

Twinkle: But why is he just on the floor like that? He could have at least walked into the living room and crashed on the couch. 

Duke: When you're that deprived of sleep, it doesn't matter where you fall asleep. 

Brock: *says under breath* I think he's secretly talking to conspiracy theorists behind our backs. 

Sparkle: Brock?

Brock: Yes?

Sparkle: What's wrong with you? 

Brock: *feels offended* Hey! 

[Five minutes later. Twinkle finished her slice of cake and put the dish away. They're all huddled around Fierdan's body on the ground.]

Brock: Hey, can someone give me a stick. I want to poke him.

Dawn: No, you're not gonna start poking Fierdan!

Brock: Aww, why not? 

Sparkle: You can't just poke people when they're sleeping, that's why! 

Fierdan: *is lying on the floor on his stomach, right arm stretched in front of his head, left arm bent and beneath his neck/upper chest, legs just.. there straight behind him. ultimate fierdan pose deluxe buy it for $9.99* 

Twinkle: Is this an omen? Fierdan falling asleep on the floor on my birthday? 

Ardere: Omen?! 

Ryen: *sighs* You're all being ridiculous. Just let him sleep, geez. 

Sparkle: Oh god, what if he could hear everything we were saying? What if he's been awake this entire time? 

Ryen: *sighs* I know when he's communicating to other people now, and I know he's not doing that. If you want me to be creative like the rest of you, I'll say he's watching a movie in his head.

Ardere: Ooh, what movie?

Dawn: *sighs* He means Fierdan could be dreaming right now. 

Ardere: Oh! 

[Ten minutes later. Everyone except Ryen has left Fierdan's side.]

Ryen: *yawns, then says* Come on, Fierdan. I'll take you to bed. *bends knees, says under his breath* Just like the old days. 

Fierdan: *is sleeping, he looks so cute when he's sleeping, look at this precious hecked up boy* 

Ryen: *somehow lifts Fierdan up off the floor and is carrying him (how tf?), says under his breath* Just like how Dad never did. 

[A few more minutes later. Ryen has just placed Fierdan down on his bed.] 

Ryen: Good, get some sleep. *goes to the door* 

Fierdan: *is actually sleeping, what the heck* 

Ryen: Good night, Danny. *opens door, leaves room, closes door* 

[Somewhere else, same time.] 

Twinkle: *phone beeps indicating a new text message* Huh, what's this? *checks message* 

Message: I would like us to meet one on one. I can give you anything you want for your birthday as long as you tell me how Uri-- 

Twinkle: "U, r, i" seems like it's cut off. What's the full word? *receives new text message* 

Message: PS: I know where Black Raven is. 

Twinkle: *is about to put her phone away when she receives another text message* 

Message: Let me help you, mi estrella de fuego frio. Uri-- *the message turns into static* 

Twinkle: *drops phone on the carpeted floor* What the?! 

Phone: *"Uri"s cover the entire screen of the phone, and then the whole screen gets covered in static* 

Twinkle: *runs away, leaves her phone behind* The hell is this "Uri" thing? 

Duke: *steps toward Twinkle* I believe that would be me. 

Twinkle: *sighs* Get out of my way, Duke. It doesn't involve you.

Duke: *raises one eyebrow (wow, creepy)* "Uri" was it? 

Twinkle: Ugh, stop spying on me! 

Duke: *looks serious* Uri is cut off of course, but...

Twinkle: But what? 

Duke: It's the beginning of one of my names. 

.................

Yeah uh so that happened. 

Dun, dun, dunnnnnnn..!

What the heck is going on? Mm mysterious. 

Bye lol. 

Happy Birthday, Twinkle!

Hey. :) 

So I searched today's date into the searchbar I put on this blog, and I was right. I apparently made a skit back in January of this year which said Twinkle's birthday is today. April 23rd. On a Monday, just like Finny's birthday. Cool, huh. 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/01/new-foolish-skit.html?m=1

(i'm on my phone, so you can ignore what's after the "html") 

It says Twinkle's birthday is today lmao. Happy birthday, Twinkle! :D 

Hmm, I think I came up with that date because I thought that was the day I wrote the first story chapter. But I didn't. I was a few days off, pfft. 

I might have also came up with April 23rd because it's a month minus one day from my birthday. 

(We get it, Cutepups. Your birthday is May 22nd. It's not like you said it a hundred times already. *sigh*) 

I don't have time to write a skit right now, but I'm hoping on writing one later today. 

Today was also a pretty good day. I'm afraid it'll all go away tomorrow. 

I have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow, so.. yeah, that's that. Not to be dramatic like That, but every time I leave that place, I really want to die for an X amount of reasons. 

So.. heh.. .-. : ) 

I keep on listening to songs by Gym Class Heroes now, lmao. Like.. these are good, huh. Nice. 

I was nervous because I had to play the song I chose for my assignment (so, Stereo Hearts) in front of my class. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. 

And I think I heard someone say something like they remembered that song and thought it was a good song. 

Haha, that's nice. Cool, man, that's cool. 

I mean.. at least I remembered to do the assignment. Not like some other people. So, like, me doing this even though I have irrational anxious thoughts about it a little bit? Good job, me, you did something right. 

And in my next class, I didn't have difficulty finding a partner for our classwork assignment. Last time, I did. So I felt good about that. Two people asked me to be their partner, actually. It's probably kinda sad that this made me a little happy, but it did. Being acknowledged is nice. 

Ugh, I also have a math quiz tomorrow. I know tomorrow is gonna be a worse day than today and the past few days. I just know it. :/ 

I kinda really hate my teeth and how some of them are going against me. They can't just be right. They just have to grow wrong. Thanks, stupid teeth. 

I can already feel my teeth aching. I can already feel the pain I'll be in tomorrow. And it's not like I can escape it because it costs a lot of money, and I feel like such a burden and full of guilt and shame already. So.. that's that. Life can't ever stay good. 

Well, at least my headache is gone now. 

Oh and I kinda think it's surreal how I'm getting an Anon commenting again. Whoever it is seems nice, and I think they "get" what I mean when I say certain things in my posts. Huh.. it's hard to describe it. Why do I think it's weird/surreal? Strange, huh? I think the person is new to commenting or hasn't commented in a while. But I also think it could be someone who used to comment frequently not using Anonymous. I'm overthinking this, sorry heh. I'm not used to receiving simple and nice comments. Haven't gotten any in so long, it seems. Well, until fairly recently. 

I'll try to make another post later. 

how tf is this real

Hi, I'm gonna make this post straight to the point. I have a headache (but I drank some water, so my head hurts a little less compared to a few hours ago).

This weekend was actually pretty good. I went places today (Sunday) and yesterday (Saturday) which means I didn't stay inside my house being bored all day. 

And my dad didn't get mad for no reason these past few days. 

So I feel pretty good. Like.. wow. It's been nice. 

On Saturday, I got a new computer for college. So I finally have a new working computer now. 

But that's not all. I got a MacBook Pro. And my family and I didn't know there was a sale for it in the store when we decided to look at computers. $200 off. And it could end the next day, so my dad wanted to get it. And here we are. 

So.. uh.. yeah! Ahh! 

Today's April 22nd. That means two things:

1. It's Earth Day! 

2. My birthday is in a month. April 22nd, May 22nd.. yeah. In a month, I'll be 18. 

W-What? How tf is this real? I just got a Mac, and my 18th birthday is in a month now. 

(lol that's crazy) 

Oh and I decided to choose that "Stereo Hearts" song for my marketing assignment. Wow, I missed that song. It's such a bop. It's a good song.

We (by that I mean my family and I) also went out to eat after getting my new computer. Which made the day even better. 

I didn't know Saturday would be such a good day. Saturday morning was just like any other.. well, except that I go tutor someone for an hour in the morning now. 

I also went shopping on Sunday. That wasn't as exciting though, haha. 

I got so tired afterwards though. Dang. 

I was thinking of making Twinkle's birthday be tomorrow. Now I'm not that sure. Hmm..?

Someone wants me to create more polls. What do you want me to create polls about? Anyone have any suggestions? 

I'll get to the Cutepups Support posts soon. I promise. I just want to get more of my poems posted first, that's why. And I feel like some life updates are pretty important as well. 

I'm trying to post 30 poems by the end of this month. Will I be able to? I don't know. 

Have a good day/night! Take care of yourselves! 

5. Bathroom Light

There's a new light in the bathroom downstairs

You go into the bathroom and then

Your eyes burn yet again

You have been in the dark for so long 

That you don't know what to do 

When the brightness swallows you up whole

So you close your eyes 

But that only makes your eyes sting more

And then you look up to where the lightbulb is

It is like staring at a microscopic white sun 

With its rays being white flames 

Which leaves the bathroom blazing white 

Oh dear 

You aren't used to the bright white lights 

Your eyes can't adjust 

So your eyes get set on fire 

It burns

Your eyes haven't been lit up in so long 

Light is supposed to make you feel alive 

But you feel like it's killing your eyes 

Light hurts more than the darkness 

You're used to the dark like it's your friend 

But the light is just another stranger 

And you're full of fear, my dear 

Then you leave the bathroom 

With white flames in your dark eyes 

It's been a few months now 

And my eyes haven't stopped burning 

From the white fire in the bathroom

The light in my eyes hasn't left since then 

Thanks to the new light in the bathroom downstairs 

4. Turn Into Music

i'm sad.

are you sad, too? 

drown the flooding thoughts by 

playing the music loud enough

until you can't hear your mind

screaming within you anymore. 

play some music, so you won't 

feel all this pain 

and feel all alone.

turn the black ocean waves 

that are tearing you apart 

from the inside out

into black music notes.

and only then,

will you be able to 

become the songs you adore. 

and maybe then, 

you'll love yourself 

just a little bit more. 

Music for your Friday (or Saturday)

Hey there. ;) 

It's 4/20! XD 

... time to remember that post I made on this day last year. 

"I wake up in the morning regretting the post I made the previous day." - still very true.

I didn't draw anything today though. :( 

But I found these other signatures. I thought I saved them to this phone, but I guess I didn't. So I just did that. 

I should use these more lol. 

I miss the person who made me the second one. :( 

I made the first one, I'm pretty sure. It's actually a gif, but it didn't save as a gif on my phone. 

Anyway, I have to do this music assignment where I have to find a song and analyze it. (marketing, hmm...)

Songs.. hmmm.......

I was stuck on these ones lol. (please help, i'm dumb and don't know anything because i am the fool.)

Hello~ Hedley 

Stereo Hearts~ Gym Class Heroes 

Mostly just those two. XD 

Now here are some other songs, so I'll be forcing you to listen to music that I'm currently listening to while you read this post. :) (i'm so clever, haha) 

I Run To You~ Missio 

I Found~ Amber Run 

Hold On~ Chord Overstreet 

So Cold~ Ben Cocks 

Carry You~ Ruelle & Fleurie 

Nobody's Watching~ Hollywood Undead 

Rise Up~ Imagine Dragons 

Good Times~ All Time Low 

Be Still~ The Killers 

........... that should be enough lol.

i'm sad.

are you sad, too? 

drown the flooding thoughts by 

playing the music loud enough

until you can't hear your mind

screaming within you anymore. 

play some music, so you won't 

feel all this pain 

and feel all alone.

turn the black ocean waves 

that are tearing you apart 

from the inside out

into black music notes.

and only then,

will you be able to 

become the songs you adore. 

and maybe then, 

you'll love yourself 

just a little bit more. 

[i'll think of a title later. day four.] 

Light // Dark (skit 2)

These are dumb because my story and characters are dumb, but okay. 

Continuing from the one I posted on Sunday. 

[Date: April 15th. Time: 4:00 pm. Location: Small, dark room that only Duke and Fierdan are in.]

Duke: *sounds cold* You really are a coward. 

Fierdan: *is shaking a little, has the backs of his arms touching the wall opposite Duke* I literally can't--

Duke: Why not?

Fierdan: *is getting frustrated with Duke (lol who isn't)* You know why! 

Duke: Stop backing out of it! You did it before! 

Fierdan: And that's exactly why I'm not doing it again. 

Duke: *kicks the wall closest to him* Just kill me already! It's a simple request! 

Fierdan: Why do you want to die so badly? Life is finally going okay for us! 

Duke: You wanted me dead! 

Fierdan: I never said that! 

Duke: Oh, I know what it is. *laughs with cruel intentions (yeah idk)* You think you're a separate person from the one back then. You think you can't ever go back to murder. *eyes shine* But you can. You can!

Fierdan: I'm never going to take the life away from another person. Not ever again.

Duke: Person! You said "person", but guess what? According to you, I'm not even that! 

Fierdan: So I guess you really do want to trigger my flashbacks to resurface? 

Duke: Oh, shut up!

Fierdan: For the past several months, I've been trying to forget the fact that I had to kill. I've been trying to forget and then accept the things I've done. Accept as in I know what I did, but I'm acknowledging that it's all in the past. The past is behind us, and we are greater than our old ways. 

[Suddenly, the door opens. The light from outside the room comes in, and Duke and Fierdan immediately shield their eyes with their hands. Brock walks in, holding a small bag of potato chips. Brock puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a potato chip, which he puts in his mouth and chews a little too loudly for the current situation.] 

Brock: *walks over to Duke who is looking annoyed at him* Hey, Duke, *pops another potato chip in his mouth* you're a dick. 

Duke: *sighs loudly* What the hell do you want now, square head? 

Brock: Oh, back with the old nicknames now? I can also play that game. *uses his right hand, which is covered in potato chip crumbs, to slap Duke across the face* 

Fierdan: Wh--

Duke: *glares, winces (?) at Brock* What the hell? 

Brock: How drunk are you, drunkie? How many drugs are you on? 

Duke: You have no right to barge in here and ask me what drugs I took. 

Fierdan: *looks confused* You're stashing drugs in your room? 

Brock: So you admit you're an ad--

Duke: *is mad, can't you tell?* Shut the f*ck up! 

Brock: Oh, you know I can't do that, sweetie. I always talk too much. 

Duke: I'll set your crotch on fire if you don't shut your mouth and leave. 

Fierdan: Why are you being so hostile today? 

Duke: God! *punches wall with one hand, gently touches the part of his face that's turning red from getting slapped* I hate all of you! 

Brock: You're not allowed to die, drunkie.

Duke: *glares at Brock, looks more threatening* Call me that again, and I will definitely set your crotch on fire. 

Brock: *continuing despite what Duke said* Ardere and Finny have been waiting for hours now. You keep being distant, and they don't know why. You barely talk to any of us.. well, besides him *points to Fierdan*, and none of us know what the hell's going on with you. 

Duke: *looks a little less full of rage at the mention of Ardere and Finny* 

Brock: They just want you to play video games with them. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too selfish of them to want that? 

Duke: Huh? 

Brock: Is it?

Duke: *hesitates, then sighs* No.. no, it's not. *steps away from the wall behind him that he punched* Tell them I'm sorry. I'll be right there. 

Fierdan: You can apologize yourself. 

Duke: *sounds far less aggressive* Yeah, you're right. I'll tell them. *goes past Brock to leave the room without another word* 

Brock: *says after Duke is away* What is it about those two? 

Fierdan: What do you mean? 

Brock: Ardere and Finny. It's almost as if just saying their names calmed Duke down in quite a significant amount. What is it about them? 

Fierdan: Well, in a way, they both.. uh...

Brock: What? 

Fierdan: ... saved Duke. From himself. *scratches the back of his head* Sometimes, he has difficulty understanding that himself. 

Yeah ahhhh. 

Oh, Duke. Hhhhhfgh. 

Bye now. 

Post-Midnight Introspection

Hi, fellow blog viewers. 

I feel like I haven't made a post about what's been going on in my life, in a while. Like.. straight out. 

I'm tired now (who would've guessed), so I'll probably continue on into another post. 

So, let's go!~

It's 1 am. But don't worry too much (even though I know none of you are). I go to school a few hours later than normal. 

So I get to sleep in. For the past two days (also had school starting later), I kept on waking around the same time I wake up for school regularly. But without an alarm. So maybe if I go to sleep later, I won't wake up at the same time. 

Honestly, I'm such a mess of a person. I identity as a freaking mess. That's me. I'm a mess. 

I don't get how my peers can supposedly only wake up naturally after 9 am or something like that. And how they can't wake up on their own at like, idk, 6 or 7 am. Like.. that just blows my mind. Because like, I wake up very early in the morning for a few minutes before going back to sleep. I can wake up at 6 without an alarm, well, sometimes. And I literally can not sleep for more than 7 hours at once. My body won't let me, and it sucks. Getting at least 8 and a half hours of sleep per night is supposedly the amount that teens' need, but like.. I can't do that. 

Uh.. I'm not that proud of that skit, to be honest. Eh whatever. 

I hope I'll be able to post more poems soon. I keep on losing motivation to do that though. 

I get angry so easily. It just proves the fact that I'm probably a Bad Person TM. Because I snap at people easily. I get irritated a lot. :( 

I hate how I'm constantly thinking I don't actually have anxiety and depression symptoms. I'm like, "nah, it's not that bad lol," but then when I read articles and articles on the two, I'm like, "dang, I relate to all/nearly all of this." And geez, I just want myself to stop. @ me, just stop. Stop it. 

I read a lot of them lol. Like, a lot. Kinda makes me think I'm a nerd. 

Depression, emotional pain can feel the same as physical pain, more sensitive to things, getting angry more, feeling either too emotional or emotionless, blank empty sadness.. oh me? Me. I feel that. 0/1000. Bad feel. Do not recommend. 

I hate how I devalue the severity of my anxiety so much. In videos, they'll explain it like, "has so much anxiety, they can't even leave their house." And I think that's why? Because I technically can leave my house. I can go to school. I can go other places. But do I see a point in doing so? Especially going to places beside school? Not really. Do I fear what others think of me? Yeah. 

Basically, I'm constantly like, "it's not that bad, it could be so much worse and more debilitating." And.. god, I hate it so much. Just kill the thoughts, please die. 

Take a few hours ago, for instance. I was at a school banquet. 

To cut to the chase, every student who attended had to go up front to receive a plaque and handshake a few people up there. The person announcing our names also said out loud our future plans for after high school. 

(it was a senior banquet btw) 

So anyway, my name is toward the very end of the alphabet. That means I had to wait until nearly everyone else already got up to receive their plaques and shake hands. No big deal, right? 

But, like I said, I'm basically the literal definition of a mess. I kept on worrying which way I would get up and walk up front to them. I kept on worrying if anyone besides my parent would clap for me or not (others did though, few is still something). I kept on worrying if I would shake hands and receive the plaque without making things awkward or me messing it up somehow. I kept on worrying if I should go this way or that way when going up. I kept on worrying over whether people would comment on my choice of college, major, and career plan. Which is a lot of worrying. Anxiety? Yeah, still have that. Maybe that's also gotten worse. Just like my depression symptoms. (fml) 

It's annoying because whenever I think of telling either of my parents about getting help and all that mental health stuff, I hear my parents yelling/arguing over (9 times out of ten) something that's not even a big deal. Anyway, I'm terrified of yelling and confrontation. So then I lose all hopes of ever telling them because (a) my dad is freaking pissed already, and (b) my mom already feels pretty horrible, and (c) I feel guilty for talking about my feelings to people irl, and (d) I don't want to burden them even more by telling them about my issues since I already view myself as a human burden who shouldn't be here alive still. 

It f*cking sucks. : ) 

I drink my water, I eat my vegetables and fruits, so why tf am I still so unhealthy? What a ripoff. :/ 

Know what's a pet peeve of mine? It's when people (like your (my) friend/s) casually say stuff like "kms" so often. I'm sorry, but at this point, if I ever hear someone casually say that outta nowhere, it probably pisses me off. Well, it all has to do with who I hear say it. And yeah, everyone has their own troubles and life is sh¡t. I get that, okay? And then I'm like, "uhuh ok *nods* same." Which tells a lot about my conversation skills, but that's beside the point.

What really pisses me off is hearing people in my life say "kms" so much, but then they get so offended and all that when I literally have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for the past few years and it's just gotten a ton worse the past year and a half especially. "Why don't you care?" "Why are you like that?" "Don't you want money?" "Let's get all this work done today before we do anything else." Like.. tf?? You tell me you want to "kms" but when I actually show outwardly as well as inwardly how much motivation I lack, and that I don't care because I don't care about my life because all I can think about consistently is how much I don't want to be here and I want to actually die unlike you.. it annoys me so much. And I also, more than ever now I've realized, have so many depression and anxiety symptoms. Why do I overreact and snap at you so easily? How about you live in my head and in my body and feel the emotional pain turning physical until your body is in pain all over every day? How about you live with how frustrating it is knowing what you're doing is harmful but not being able to change behaviors and actions on your own in time? I already feel guilty all the time because I know to any other person probably, my life seems so much easier than yours. Friend, I know your parents are pretty awful, but so are mine. I'm still f*cked up over things that happened between my parents and me, two years ago. Never mind four or five months ago. Every time I snap at someone close to me, I always feel such immense guilt afterwards. I wish I could stop before saying anything (words, body language), but I can't. And I hate myself so f*cking much for it. I have so much flaming anger beneath my calm, outer layer. So yeah, inconveniences and not believing me without explaining anything do let my anger out. So yeah, I am irritable. I know I'm not that good of a person. I know I'm bad. 

Basically, don't be an ass. Don't say things like: 

- "I want to kms" 

- "I'm so depressed"

- "I have so much anxiety (over this assignment)"

- "I'm ocd"

- etc, etc.

And then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses. And yeah, there are warning signs for suicide. It's not like "oh i want to kms" and that's it. There's so much more to it than just that, and I think a lot of people who say that at my school don't get it, so I usually get pissed off whenever I hear that three word phrase. 

Anxiety over a homework assignment? I know school can be absolute stressful as hell. But how about being anxious in certain social situations, you know your thoughts are irrational, but you can't stop yourself from thinking those thoughts because they're so rooted in who you are as a person at this point. The anxiety doesn't just fully leave 100% like when the assignment is finished, the test was taken, the project was presented. It stays. Yeah, anxiety loosens its grip on you when the things are done, but it's still there. And then the anxiety goes off of what you did. Did you do it correctly? How did you do? Etc, idk. 

I'm tired. It's 2 am. 

3. Please Don't D[L]ie

[A short, but still depressing, one! These poems I'm posting are kinda old now, so don't worry too much. Heh.] 

They told me that there would come a day 

When I don't want to die.

Well, it's been a few years now

And I can only view their words as a lie. 

----------

.... yeah, that's it. bye.

2. Ghost Bones

[Not that proud of this one, but here you go. More poetry.]

i call myself ghost 

as a name, as a state of being.

that's the best way to describe 

who i am these days

i am the ghost.

the past me has died.

i can't ever bring that person back,

even if i wanted to. 

i walk around,

i go places,

i pass by people who i once called

my friends,

but we don't say a word to each other. 

i walk by like a ghost 

i swear i'm physically here, 

but their eyes look past me 

as if i was never there. 

i've known for a while now

to tell you the truth.

i'm fading,

i'm fading away to nothing.

i keep on losing parts of myself-

parts of who i was,

parts of who i am,

parts of who i'm supposed to be. 

i must have forgotten the memo. 

i died physically as well as mentally 

that's why they don't see me anymore.

i guess that means 

i must be invisible. 

i must have faded away 

more than i thought. 

i'm nothing more than

a ghost who only wants 

to live again. 

i feel like a ghost, 

but these chamber of bones 

still hold me down 

into inhabiting this human body.

even my bones want to leave 

this pathetic, wasteful body.

bones are aching and it feels like 

what i've been feeling is

so much more than 

just mental pain

that's only in my head.

because the pain has spread 

to not just my head,

but to all over my body. 

but, i digress.

to sum this all up-

i have bones that want to break

and separate from my soul.

these bones are growing bigger 

than my shrinking and fading spirit.

these bones don't define who i am

they're a place my ghost

can call home. 

and there's only a sick ghost residing in these aching bones. 

Light // Dark (new skit)

Hi, I actually just came up with a new skit arc! I didn't plan on making a skit for a while, but I can't let this idea slip by. 

So yeah. Have a skit, guys. Enjoy! ;D 

................. 

............................

.........

Oh, just an fyi. This skit has both light and dark sides. The title is about symbolism between the characters. I view half of them being "light" characters, and the other half as being "dark" characters. 

Dark themes are going to be mentioned in this skit. In other words, sensitive topics.

Yeah, this isn't just another silly skit. I've (they've) outgrown that. 

Viewer (uh, reader) discretion advised. 

(Why am I making a skit about such topics? Well, haha, I really don't care about myself at all. I'm already gone. That poem from the other day? It's about me, of course. It's not made of artistic metaphors- it's nonfiction. The truth is- I'm really nothing more than a ghost. When it's nighttime, I feel my ribs just like how I wrote in the poem. And it hurts. I don't remember myself from three years ago. I thought I did, but I don't. I don't remember, and it's killing me. Why the moths in the mouth? Well, I'm reading "Silence of the Lambs" for school. What does that mean? I won't explain.) 

:-) 

[Date: April 15th. Time: 2:00 pm. Location: Downstairs in the house, by the staircase.]

Dawn: *sighs cheerfully* It finally feels like spring. I think this is the first day that I don't feel like I have to be wrapped in a blanket in order to not freeze. 

Brock: What do you mean? You don't wear a blanket when we go to school. 

Dawn: I had to wear a hoodie and jacket whenever I went outside. And now it's finally warm enough that I don't have to. It's great. 

Brock: *nods* Yeah. No more winter seems nice. 

Ryen: *walks toward them, holds up his phone to read something on it* The warm weather isn't going to last long. It's supposed to drop 30 degrees in a few hours. There's also a 60% chance of rain; 10% chance of snow. 

Brock: *lowers head in disappointment* Oh...

Dawn: Dropping 30 degrees would just make the temperature itself be 30 degrees! That's two below freezing! 

Twinkle: *walks toward them, looks smug* You guys don't need winter for it to be cold. 

Brock: Oh, it's because the weather doesn't ever make sense? 

Twinkle: Uh, no. My Elemental Power is ice-fire, that was what I planned on saying before you rudely interrupted me. Ice is freezing cold, if you get what I mean. *winks at Dawn* 

Dawn: *face starts turning red* Oh no thanks! You don't have to freeze anything, Twinkle. I'm tired of the cold. 

Twinkle: *turns around to leave, looks behind shoulder to look at Dawn* If that's what you want. 

Ryen: *looks confused as he looks at Dawn and Twinkle* Uh.. what was that? 

Brock: Girl talk. 

Twinkle: *snaps her right hand's thumb and index finger behind her back, Brock's mouth gets covered in ice, leaves the room*

[Finny quickly goes downstairs. He stops three steps from the floor. He looks worried.]

Finny: Hey.. uh... 

Sparkle: *walks toward the bottom of the stairs where the rest of the revealed characters are* I'm going to visit the store. You guys want anything? 

Finny: *stands still, then shakes his head* I don't have time to talk about that. 

Sparkle: Brock? Ryen? 

Ryen: No thanks, I don't need anything. 

Sparkle: Thought so. Brock? 

Brock: *still can't speak* 

Sparkle: I'll assume that's a no. Well, I'm fine with that. 

Twinkle: *walks back over to them* Oh, my bad. *snaps her thumb and index finger* 

Brock: *breathes heavily* 

Sparkle: *starts walking away*

Finny: *is annoyed* Are you all done yet? 

Twinkle: Oh, what is it? I didn't see you at first, Finny. 

Finny: It's Duke. Have any of you seen him today? 

Twinkle: I haven't seen him. 

Dawn: Neither have I. Why?

Finny: Ardere wants him to play video games with us. *giggles* He says he can kill Duke at the game we're playing. 

Twinkle: And I bet he can. 

Brock: Wow, that's cold. 

Twinkle: *glares at Brock* Do you want me to shut you up again? 

Brock: Uh.. no thanks, I'm good. 

Twinkle: Good choice. *looks away from Brock* 

Finny: I thought we could hang out just a little longer. Duke's been so distant lately. *pauses* It's like he doesn't want to be around us.. around me.. anymore. 

Brock: I know right? Ditching on you and Ardere to do something else was such a dick move. 

Finny: *sighs* Who am I kidding? Duke's always been distant from me. He always was keeping things from me. I guess he didn't change that much. 

Ryen: *adjusts his glasses* Now that you brought Duke up, I realized I haven't seen Fierdan all day either. But my car is still in the driveway. *scratches chin* That's strange. Where could they be? 

-x-x-

[Location: Unknown but it's in a small, dark room.] 

Duke: *sighs* I always was meant to be killed by you. 

Fierdan: I had to get rid of you permanently before you inflicted even more severe damage to the world. You were injuring hundreds of people just by being alive. That included your friend, Finny. Or have you forgotten? 

Duke: *lowers head* No, I didn't forget. *looks up at Fierdan, stares defiantly at him* But don't you f*cking word it like I killed Finny. 

Fierdan: You don't have to actively murder someone to kill them. I thought you knew that. 

Duke: *is sitting on the floor, throws a punch to the floor* Shut up, Fierdan! You have no right to word it like you became a hero, the good guy, at the end of the day. Because you're not! Killing me didn't make you a Savior. I'm not the pure source of evil that tainted society. You're not the Savior, and that doesn't mean Taurel is either. You designed me to become this. You call yourself a good person? *punches the floor again* It's your fault! 

Fierdan: Calm down. 

Duke: "Calm down?" Are you f*cking kidding me?! *pauses* Do you know how many times I got asked why I didn't die, how those things didn't kill me? Do you know how many times I couldn't come up with an explanation to tell them? 

Fierdan: Uh... 

Duke: Over 20 times. The questions never stopped for a day. But of course I couldn't come up with an explanation. Because my goddamn existence never made any sense! And whose fault is that? Yours! It's all your f*cking fault! 

Fierdan: I...

Duke: If I could've died back then, I wouldn't have to be tortured and have to be subject to "examinations." If I died before that, I wouldn't have known I'm a part of you and Soulless. I should've died before you ruined my life, but you couldn't even let me kill my self.

Fierdan: You've been a part of Soulless and me before you were even born. 

Duke: And I wouldn't be this f*cked up as a person.. or whatever the hell I actually am.. if you didn't put it through Calliah into me. You're right. I wasn't even born yet, so I never had the chance to avoid becoming you. I never was normal, and it's your fault! 

Fierdan: I made things better for you and your mother. 

Duke: *starts yelling* You only made my life a living hell! "Made things better," my ass. If you didn't make my body be the vessel of you and Soulless, Calliah wouldn't hate me, I wouldn't have started harming myself, and I wouldn't have thought about suicide and later homicide that many times. I bet I wouldn't have hurt myself as much as I did if you didn't do what you did. 

Fierdan: I don't mean it like that. Calm yourself down, so you can at least think logically. How Calliah reacted to what I did was.. too much. You never deserved to be abused by her. 

Duke: *lowers voice* I really do wonder what I would look like if I'm not your Duke Fierdan. 

Fierdan: You would have a higher percentage of your blood, your DNA perhaps, being from Eternal. You would look a lot more like him. 

Duke: And I bet that would prevent Calliah from hating my appearance. Maybe then she would have loved me. 

Fierdan: Your mother always loved you. I was the one she hated. But since a part of me is in you, she brought the hate for me out on you. *pauses* As for why she didn't stop me from doing what I did, well, I intimidated her. She was so scared of me. I installed fear into her. 

Duke: She had every right to hate you. You stole the son she was supposed to have. You turned that son into me. I'm not their child- I'm yours. That's the truth, isn't it?

Fierdan: *breathes deeply, then says* If more of your body was from Eternal, Calliah would still be uncomfortable around you. She would still hate you. But maybe she would have blamed herself more.

Duke: I'm your son, aren't I? You killed your father, and you killed your son. 

Fierdan: There's another reason that doesn't involve you. There's a reason you thought she cheated on Eternal. You see, Duke, your so called father and mine aren't that different. Believe me when I say you don't want to remind anyone of your father. *pauses* Calliah never wanted to be a mother. Especially not the way she, uh, had to become one. *sighs* Z and Eternal both coerced--

Duke: *interrupts* Shut up! 

Fierdan: ... which makes them r--

Duke: *interrupts, raises voice* Shut the hell up! 

Fierdan: I saved you by claiming you as mine. I saved you by making Eternal not as much a part of you. I saved you by killing you. 

Duke: Excuses, excuses, excuses. You never saved me! 

Fierdan: I really hoped you would have appreciated what I did for you a lot sooner. I guess I was wrong. 

Duke: The only nice thing you've done is stopping the control Soulless has over me. But that only happens on the skit route. 

Fierdan: I can get rid of you permanently if that's what you prefer. 

Duke: *stares into Fierdan's eyes* That's what I want. Go and try to kill me again. 

Fierdan: *looks confused* Wait, what?

Duke: I'm being serious. Get rid of me. I'm nothing but someone who brings others pain. And like you said before, I'm not even human. I'm not even alive. 

Fierdan: *has a shaky voice* S-So what? 

Duke: Kill me. I f*cking dare you. 

Fierdan: I.. I...

Duke: Oh, what's that? You can't? 

Fierdan: *suddenly grins at Duke* No, that's not it. I'll do what you insist. I will kill you, Duke Fierdan. Again. 

Duke: *grins back* I wouldn't have it any other way. I was always meant to be killed by you. 

.,

Sorry, 

I can't right now. 

Don't have the time right now.

Can't handle anything right now. 

Feeling too much // Feeling nothing

Can't feel 

Right now.

Busy day today.

But not really

Busy

Just did some things.

More than just one thing.

Huh.

I'll be back

Soon.

friday the 13th

It's Friday the 13th. 

... which is just another Friday. 

Except that it's hot outside today. 

Nothing scary going on here. Nothing to be suspicious about. 

School was okay. It's finally the weekend. Nice. 

I get to go to school a few hours later next week and the week after that. For a few of the days. Not every day though. 

Yeah, I think it's nice. Sleeping in sounds good in theory and hopefully also in practice. 

(what the)

I felt pretty good yesterday, but not as much anymore. Ugh, I get irritated so easily; I hate this. 

I don't even know how to properly phrase words. This post is bad, I know. 

I'll be back later with better posts. 

Yeah. See ya. 

~ Cutepups 

this blog is a four year old

Ahh, I almost forgot! Today (April 11th) is the fourth anniversary of this blog's existence! 

This blog is a four year old. That's like a toddler. It's a small child. Lmao. 

It's been four years. What the heck-- 

I was looking at my posts from this day last year, so then I remembered I started blogging on this day in the good/terrible year of 2014. 

It's kinda hard for me to remember how I was back then without me looking at old posts. 

My memory.. that's wack. Heck. 

I like how "heck" sounds. I like saying it. It's just like.. heck. 

Well anyway, I was talking about Fierdan last year for some reason (I mean on my blog anniversary post lol). So that made me think about him. 

Fierdan.. what a guy. 

When I think of him and Duke, I don't really see them as good TM people. But, like, I think they're good characters. Their morals/beliefs/that kind of stuff.. eh, not really the right thing. But do I love them because they're my characters that I've probably developed the most in depth? Oh yes. 

Honestly, I really hate some of Duke's actions. In the story, well, he's uhh.. a dick. This freaking boy, I swear. 

So then I mock him by making him be a certain way in the skits. Duke.. he sure is a loud, dramatic, fool. 

Now.. umm.. time for.. idk: 

• I never posted that "Flower Garden" (?) drawing I have from a year ago. 

• I kinda get motivated by hearing my characters' voices in my head. They just sound so good?? I love them. (@ cutepups: wtf) 

• I think about Twinkle and Dawn a lot too, but it's like I never post about them enough. I still love them though, haha. 

• I also make skits because honestly, the story is a complete joke. (@ cutepups: wtf do you mean? isn't the story just a weird tragedy?) 

• I also imagine the story being a movie or TV show, so then I imagine all the characters having actors. Well, haha, I love imagining these actors. They're all cool and nice (unlike some of the characters in the story.. *cough* I'm thinking of Taurel, Duke, Fierdan, and Z *cough*). (@ cutepups: what are you even saying..?) 

• New skit idea: Duke sings (obnoxiously/terribly.. which I think is ironic since I really like hearing his regular and singing voice in my head.. lmao) a song (possibly a rap? featuring Finny? idk why Finny but I keep on imagining him being a sick rapper) about Grinding Coffee TM. (@ cutepups: oh god pls no don't do this) 

• Wow, I throw too much sh¡t at Duke. Like honestly. It's funny though. To me it is. Duke, wtf, I love and hate him so freaking (!!) much. 

• It's now the fourth marking period for me. Which is the last one of the school year. Which means the school year is almost over. Oh geez! 

• I'm hoping on following through with my plan on posting more poetry and Cutepups Support than posts like these that are unorganized and I ramble on about whatever. 

• But I also want to rant sometimes too. I'm a little uncomfortable with writing it down, but I feel like I also have to write it down. Because, like, sometimes when I read over what I write when I'm upset, I realize what I was upset about wasn't as big of a thing as I thought. 

• I'm not sure why, but I think if I go in depth about certain stuff, it'll offend people. And then they'll realize that I'm actually Not Good- I'm Bad. 

• Sorry for ending it like this. I feel manipulative and like a Fake (again). I feel like asking for help more directly would just look like me giving them an excuse on why I'm the way I am. I know I can be mean, but I only regret it after I say it out loud. It's.. ugh. Impulse? Irritability? 

• Maybe I'm so afraid because I don't want to accept (irl.. uhh) that there's a possibility that there's Something Wrong With Me. Teenage angst? Hormones? More than that? Just that? I don't know the truth anymore, and I feel bad about that too. 

• I really think I'm an empathetic and sympathetic person. But it's like I have a lot of trouble expressing my actual feelings and thoughts to other people. That annoys me too. 

• Happy birthday, blog. <3 

Yeah. I just decided to keep the bullet list going. 

Good night.