Heartless doodle and shiz

Hi. I'm up at 4 am. Again. I went to sleep very early last night. Around 8. So.. yeah.

If I don't post for a day or for a few days, there are two chances: I've been feeling really bad, or I've been feeling really good. 

This week, especially Friday, the reasons for no posting were the former. 

It's better if I don't even post, anyway. I've hurt you guys so much already. I'm so stubborn at everything, I can't even let go of these anxious/depressing thoughts.

I really need to stop this pity. I just need to stop. Stop it all. 

My stomach and head hurts when I post. They hurt when I don't post. They still hurt right now.

I have no reason. Life is good. Besides some words people say to, or around, me. I'm the only one to blame. It's my fault. 

I might post something about some of those mental stuff from last post. Probably the ones in the "high" ranges on the results. 

I feel like I'm copying people by just feeling the way I am. 

I really should stop.

Intrusive thoughts while feeling anxious and depressed at the same time. How fun. Great. Fantastic. Not. 

I'm going to disappoint some people irl because I'm the worst at planning out interesting activities. I don't have the energy to, and nothing except this online stuff that I bet is slowly killing me really interests me. 

Twenty One Pilots and The Eden Project are great bands to listen to when I'm feeling like this. As well as a few others, but mostly just those two. 

Haha, sorry for typing about them so much. I love them so much. Their music makes my day a little better. And I can relate (internally of course since I'm figuratively dead externally) to some of their songs. Like "Fake You Out", "Doubt", and "Kitchen Sink". More on the personal level than on the more broad level of songs like "Stressed Out" and "Ride". Yeah. |-/

Why not just call me that civilized outcast? 

I guess "Heartless" could be consider vent art. But it's less red than most of the ones I draw but don't post online. 

</3 

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Bye.

~ S (aka Cutepups) 

doot doot

Heyo kiddos. It's me again. Yes, so annoying ugh ikr.

I bet I'm gonna get hate for this post! Aw, love you too! Haha!

Ah yes, the "doot doot" is another post title with the weird speech sounds to distract from the disappointments scattered throughout all my posts.

I hope TQPP is helpful and a resource to you guys. I like TQPP a lot. Though it only helps for a very limited amount of time.

By the way, I handed in my first job application yesterday. Haha, it's that same summer camp job I constantly complained about last summer. But this year I can get paid. I'm getting old. Haha wow.

I'm deciding on maybe not posting daily anymore. I just don't have anything interesting to post about except for complaining about my life and internalizing all my problems but pushing them into your faces. I also have been lacking sleep lately. I go to bed a few minutes before midnight on most nights. And blogging caused one reason for that. But not just blogging. And then there are my nice female classmates saying they fall asleep at 10 pm. That's when I actually finish all my homework. Haha, I'm such a mess omg.

Haha. I've been feeling anxious for so long that my body is starting to hurt physically. I'm scared. I can't explain what and why, especially so open on the internet (lol why do I even post here then), but I am.

Well, have this pretty background thing. I like it. It's pretty.

Haha, oh wait.

Smh, it's so professionally accurate. Really concerned. Seriously.

Nah kiddos, just online test results I screenshotted. Honest answers. Telling the truth. Just two. I don't exaggerate or glorify. At least I hope it doesn't look that way.

I haven't always been this way. It's been fairly recent. Since high school. Maybe middle school. Especially this year when future things and activities and jobs and stuff like that have began weighing down on me. But this could all be just a load of poo, and my teen mind is messing with me. But I'm pretty sure the average "normal" teen isn't how I am. Problems, hormones.. who knows. Not all of them are really okay, though.

 Oh life, downspiraling into the pit of despair. Fun, how fun, now take me out. 

Hmm.. should I be concerned about them?

Maybe a select few. One a lot.

Haha. Haha. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry.

I'm shaking right now. And my stomach kinda hurts. All the usual.

People being all chill and happy and satisfied with all aspects with their lives. Whelp, people like that seem so fake to me.

Like people don't experience those things? Mentally and/or physically? They don't have existential crisises and get paranoid at least sometimes? And think life is just "ehhhh" at most? People are actually happy? And mean it? Happy with themselves? Not get distressing thoughts? For no logical reason sometimes?

What a faraway concept. How interesting.

Ah man, my writings keep on hurting me.

There's a reason I go on here less and less.

It's kinda funny. Just about everyone who isn't a **** irl and who isn't part of my immediate family think I'm such a sweet and innocent person who's just cute and shy.

But I'm not. I'm a mean and irritable person. I've hurt people. I'm not cute and shy. I'm cold and distant. Call me antisocial for all I care. I know I am. I'm aware of other people there. I know what those guys are saying to themselves about me. I'm not that stupid. I've learned after being tossed around and treated like trash. I treat other people like trash then. Social situations can make me pretty uncomfortable. I avoid new things and getting to be close with new people. But the internet's a whole other story. If you meet me irl, I probably will distance myself from you and be less clingy like I am with some people I only know through the internet. I'll change. I'm sorry. Told you I'm full of disappointments. 

I think I ruin people's days by posting. It must have been relieving to not see anything new from me for a few days.

But oh well. I'm apparently still here. 

Yay.

I don't own the pictures. Or the sites I screenshotted them from.

Bye, bye.

Sorry in advance.

Meh.

Cutepups Support: The Quiet Place Project

Hello! :)

I don't feel that bad today. So that's good I guess. ^-^'

Well, enough about me. This is supposedly a Cutepups Support (lame name ikr) post. So, without further ado, the website!

http://thequietplaceproject.com

Unfortunately, I can only blog on mobile for the time being. So that means I can't screenshot things and whatnot.

Okay, one more thing about me and off to info about this site. Alrighty.

This place (the website I mean) was one of the first self-care sites I've ever visited. It also happens to be one of my favorites (though Flash is needed for some of the forwarding links within The Quiet Place Project, and my mobile devices lack that). I found it a little short of a year ago.

So.. maybe you like this site, maybe you don't. That's your decision, and of course no one but you, yourself, can change it.

Blah.. okay!

I'll say this site is great to visit when you're.. when you're.. just in a bad mood. (maybe not if technology that you use to go onto the site is causing you to have a bad mood.. ahem*). But if you're stressed or nervous over something or for no reason; or if you're feeling depressed (sad, empty, restless, tired, "done", etc.).. then I recommend visiting TQPP (The Quiet Place Project).

Some links off TQPP main page, like the Dawn Room for example, bring you to a place where there's a calming background (most likely weather-related I think) with accompanying music. And all you really have to do is read the messages on the screen and tap continue to read more of them. The messages are so kind and thoughtful with their good vibes.

This is the link within TQPP main page that I go to the most, and every time I felt bad to say the least and went on there, it's helped me at least in the little bit. So hopefully it will help you out. But then again, this is only a website. So it can only really be helpful to a certain degree and not for every circumstance.

The Dawn Room: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedawnroom/

The Dawn Room doesn't work on mobile, so hopefully the link here will work to those on their computers who can actually access it.

So apart from that, TQPP also has this section for anonymous venting. There's this box, and in it you can type whatever. Vent out all that big mess of feelings you have.

Oh wait.. I'll just link to all of them. Except for the Dawn Room which I just linked to. There's also this mind-relaxing "tap to continue" thing on the site I first linked to which I keep on referring to as TQPP main page on this post.

The Thoughts Room: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/

The Comfort Spot: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedreamsroom/comfortspot

It Will Be Okay: http://thequietplaceproject.com/itwillbeokay

The Quiet Place is more of the place to "quiet your mind", the Dawn Room is more of a place to feel less alone, the Thoughts Room is more of a place to relieve yourself from those bad thoughts, the Comfort Spot is more of a place for anonymous venting, and the last one should be self-explanatory.

I'm hoping all the links are working properly. My apologies if they aren't. You can just find the "rooms" by yourself if that happens to be the case.

That's all I have for this post. I hope I helped at least person who read through this entire post.. even though my phrasing of words is horrible.

Take care.

~ Cutepups <3

Returning to a segment?

Hello, one and all! Welcome, welcome! I am the one and only blogger who is an inconvenience! I am also that weirdo who goes by the name, Cutepups, which isn't even my real name!

Like how weird is that?!

I am also that former cool AJ blogger who fell in a hole that ended up being a trashcan! And if that isn't enough for you, then it's me, that person who's such a loser who posts stuff all the time that makes people concerned that I have specific forms of anxiety, depression, and possibly a personality disorder! Yeah, I'm the one who gets symptoms similar to panic attacks when other people talk about excessive heat, too!

Welcome, welcome all! My mind is as messy as my room, and my room is very messy!

:-)

!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to sound fun and exciting, but it didn't work out so well. Oh diddly darn. :(

Well anyway, I have mental stuff for this post as well.

However...

It's different!

It's...

(dundundundundundundundundundundundundundunjoshdun)

(what in the name of heck)

(omg when will Cutepups who only goes by the pronoun, shetheyitugh, stop)

....... mental health stuff!

*wipes glittery vomit off every screen where this post is viewed on*

:-)

So... okay... time for business.

(no my bro is a business major not me what am I saying)

*wipes off last bits of glittery vomit*

Back in the days of late 2015 and early 2016, I had this post segment. I only made 3 posts in this segment, but then I quit.

I started it when I wasn't feeling too good. I wanted to feel better, but I also wanted to help other people feel better. More in the mental and emotional meanings than physically. For several months, I've been browsing all over the internet finding all different self-care sites/videos/apps/games. Then one day, I decided to put this blogging idea into action. For the segment posts I actually posted, I made them entirely my own. I intended on continuing the segment with this list (that keeps on expanding week after week) of online resources I have found from all over. But then later on, I began to feel like there's no point in adding my own self-care mini-section among the hundreds of those I already found online beforehand. And this is only online. Then I spiraled deeper down into the pit of despair, and couldn't take much anymore. I then quit this segment. The segment that left me useful yet also useless.

The segment I called, Cutepups Support, was my lame name to it.

Why am I saying this?

Well, it's because...

I'll be returning to it!

With posts that link to much better self-care things on the internet.

I've found so, so many of them. I view a few of them daily. They're so great and helpful and I love the people who created them because they're amazing.

I constantly feel useless and without a purpose, so why not start here?

(is it just me or do I really sound annoying in my posts)

(I'm far ahead than any of you in the "I hate Cutepups" game)

(I be knowing)

Heh...

I might make a Cutepups Support post tomorrow if time permits.

I cram most of my posts on weekdays right before bed.

If time permits.

Goodbye.

-- Cutepups ~☆~

Finished c:

Okay. Welcome back to the blog of disappointments and broken dreams. :')) 

I finished disabling all new comments in the 2014 posts. Yay. c: 

I'll be mad if I forgot a post. I want them all to be disabled of new comments. 

I'm a totally different person from back then. As if that wasn't obvious enough. 

I didn't get insulted yet today. Yesterday at this time I got insulted at least 3 times for 3 different things. And that was only in the morning. 

Hmm.. I wonder if those AJ bloggers who still blog and follow my blog still view my blog. (10/10 grammar lol). I still view their blogs. I just don't comment anymore, but if I do it's only on rare occasions. Even though I still view their blogs a lot. Even though I quit and am no longer interested in AJ things. Wow, I make so much sense. Haha, I doubt they know I still exist and remember me. Except for 1, possibly 2. Hopefully.

I'll probably disable comments on more posts. But I'll do that on a later date. 

Disabling comments on posts from over a year ago makes me less fearful and slightly happier even though I have a negative mindset. If you're upset that you can't comment on posts from back then, then scurry off now. I'm apparently heartless according to family and "friends", so of course I must be emotionally numb and cold to other people's poor feelings. 

I must be. And I also must be non-human due to feeling uncomfortable in social situations even with family members. For being antisocial. For not currently having any passions or talents. For not wanting to fall in love. For not being interested in wanting to have kids when I'm older. For not liking sports. For not wanting to do art at any given time. 

Of course. :)) 

And getting emotions invalidated. Can't forget that one either. 

Of course. :)) 

At 95K views now. I'll be happy and feel like I accomplished at least one goal of mine if it goes to 100K views in a month. 

There are some viewers from South America now. Cool. c: 

Bye. 

,....,

Tch

Hey. I woke up so early today. Well then. 

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm still here. Great. 

Blogger glitched while I was in those November posts. Oh darn, gotta fix those when it stops glitching. And the December ones too. 

Yep. All of it. The entire year's worth of posts. In 2014. I'm disabling new comments on all posts in 2014. I'll finish the November and December posts from back then when Blogger stops being stupid with me. 

It's in the past now. The past is in the past. New comments can't come back to haunt me due to how cringy my 13 and 14 year old self was. But it still exists. The past will always stay there. But now it's kept completely in the past now. 

I'm so repetitive. Wow. 

There was a post from somewhere in my autumn 2014 posts where I apologized for leaving my previous post so not as happy as my posts usually were. But this person who's involved in my family who's unofficially me and my siblings' grandfather died. So due to other irl reasons, of course I wasn't as happy as before. Haha, I'm still sad about it. Pfft. And 14 year old me apologized for being sad. Wow, do I suck or what? Haha, now nearly all my posts are in a sad mood. I'm either in an anxious mood, depressed mood, or I'm just too tired. Happiness is so fake to me now. Even in enjoyable circumstances. Due to irl reasons. 

No, I'm not sorry for being sad. About him, about now, about anything. I don't care anymore.

And I also made several posts in 2014 starting posts with warnings in big brightly colored letters. Now my posts now and in 2015 too are so much more violent than any 2014 post. Yep. 

(Wow, I love music from The Eden Project now. While typing this, I've been listening to "Statues" on repeat 7 times. At least. Psst.. I love this song. As well as all the other EDEN songs I've listened to already. Haha yeah.)

I think I know why I keep asking if you guys hate me. It's because I hate myself. Half of my family is either fully disappointed in me or hates me (they told me). Oh and I've been starting to really get trust issues about people, especially "friends" (including online ones too). And if my own family and "friends" say they hate me in different contexts, then I'll continue to think that people hate me. I'm paranoid about this, okay. I bet you hate me for thinking you hate me. And for being so negative. I know you're thinking that. So that means you still hate me somewhat. Just about everyone close to me irl does, so I doubt other people are different. I've been hurt, insulted, and lied to too many times to think otherwise. I'm too weak to even truly say I'm done. Because it'll never be done. 

Yeah. People are mean. I'm mean. No one's an angel. I'm scared of death, but I'm also scared of life. I doubt I'm even a "real person" at this point. I'm more like a lost spirit. Barely anyone still acknowledges my existence without making me hate them or myself. How unfortunately great. 2016 is such a better year than last year, huh? No. 

Yeah, I should stop complaining. People have it much worse, anyways. 

Yeah, I should shut up.

....

stating the obvious

Heyo peepos.

Um..

If you couldn't tell already, I really don't have that much of an effort to make good themed posts.

Oh man, the cringe. Cringy posts of mine. They are everywhere. Gosh darn it.

I kinda have this idea to start off that collab story thing I keep on stalling and procrastinating on just like everything else in my life.

I originally wanted to draw the main characters out, but my drawings are crap, so never mind all that.

Tomorrow is...

- Friday!
- Earth Day!
- A month till my birthday!
- The 22nd of April in the year 2016!
- "Bye bye bready with your wings you'll fly away oh so far away from me and I will mourn your departure with my salty tears"

Yes.

I'm salty. I have no heart and am heartless. I'm an antisocial hermit crab. Oceans are water.

Yes.

Lol bruh why do I have the feel that you all hate me severely to some degree.

Why bruh why.

I'm not even using question marks to end the sentences. I'm just using periods. Periods are the blandest and most heartless punctuation. That's me alright.

Exclamation marks are too exciting. I know I probably fooled you lot years ago when my posts were actually swag, but I'm not an exciting or interesting person at all. I'm just that kind of person who's just there.

I should disable comments on more old posts of mine. Because the cringe is so cringey.

I offer my sincerest apologies to those who follow my blog and view their Blogger Dashboard. I'm sorry you have to put up with seeing these ugly gross posts on your Dash.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. If I'll post tomorrow, it'll likely be way earlier in the day. Same for Saturday.

Goodbye.

ooh nice

Hey. I'm not venting in this post. So please stay. 

(Well, I could vent about my chemistry class where we get work that's really, really hard and is like honors/AP level even though we're in regular. Ha.. our teacher is too smart for our class. It's too advanced. It's crazy. Seriously. Gosh darn it this class.. oh boy.) 

Yeah. Makes us all feel like dumb idiots. Stresses me out so much. As well as the rest of the class, I'm guessing.

So yeah. Haha. It's not a depressing vent at least.

Anyway...

Today I found this musical artist called The Eden Project/EDEN. (I think The Eden Project was its old name; EDEN its new name.)

Oh my gosh, after listening to just one song by them, I fell in love with their music. 

Hhhhh I love this music so much. It's soo good.. <3 

(Actually, I did hear a song by them a few days ago, but I didn't know who sang that song until today. The song's called "Wake Up".)

Maybe it's not "them", but just "him". I don't know I'm new to this. Haha.

It's pretty annoying. I've recently discovered these bands that have existed for a few years already. I feel ashamed I haven't heard of them sooner. 

Haha yeah. 

Bye. ♥

i'm tired

Yeah. ^^

So.. um.. wow.

I'm probably so annoying. I bet you probably are annoyed with me now. I'm an annoying complainer. Wow.

I'm so tired. Ugh.

I've really started to hate myself around a year ago. Still do.

My posts are pretty terrible.

Just look at them.

Is this really blogging?

I don't know anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm tired of being scared.

I'm tired of worrying.

I'm tired of feeling down.

I'm tired of being me.

Haha.

I'm sick of their praise.

They're just empty and worthless words to me.

I'm the worst. I'm crappy at band.

Ugh, I don't deserve their praise.

I really hate being female sometimes.

I hate being yelled at and being frowned upon.

I hate thinking that everyone makes fun of me behind my back.

I hate feeling like a waste of space since I just stand there stupidly and silently and I'm scared of talking to them first.

I hate always being the back-up person. The last (more than just 3rd) wheel.

Let it stop. I'm tired and I hate it all.

Funny how I once said I would stop being a negative crybaby.

Almost every single thing makes me feel down.

It's everywhere and in everything. There is no escape.

Haha.

I really am tired.

Bye.

ok mental stuff

Tw/

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In this post, I list my problems more straightforward than I usually do.

Hello~

I feel less sad and like dying now.

Anxiety. Such a bother.

It is hot.

Talk too long about heat/sun/tanning/sunburns, and I will suffer.

Like this morning.

Peers/friends (idk man) talking about that stuff.

Me being me.

Suddenly body temp shoots up.

Becomes semi-deaf.

Blurry eyes, yo, them blurry eyes.

Is my neck on fire? Who knows, my dude?

Feels like I'm shaking but in reality I'm standing still.

Anxiety attack? Overheating only due to thinking about hot things like that too much? Disassociating? Who knows, my dude. I'm not normal and I probably need help. Or just to drink more water in this case lol. But no water is nearby enough. Argh.

But my family is all like. No.. you're fine. Stop it ok just stop it. Our medical stuff doesn't cover everything and it's expensive and life's a burden.

So that's that. And to elaborate on that.. haha.. I can't. Fear of confrontation. Fear of life lol. Social anxiety/avpd? Hmm.. I relate to most of those people's experiences. But like. I go to school and my other activities. Because I have to. But socializing there? Rarely.

I'm interested in this psych stuff. What the heck.

And I'm like. ... kinda wanna live, kinda wanna die.

Also because I've been to a few therapies in my early childhood. So more of that? And my wariness of new people? No thank you.

I might have said I'm having an anxiety/panic attack to some close online friends. Because of whatever happened. But the only real ones that hurt a lot all revolve around relating to school. The other ones I don't.. uh.. throw up and feel nauseous and get the chills and sweats at the same time. Ah.. school. Fun, ain't it? No it's not ok no.

But ones I get due to online friends stuff. Like yesterday lol. Haha, I think we sorted it out now. I hope. Just hard to sleep, odd feeling in stomach but it doesn't hurt like the other kind, fidgety and excessive worrying and thinking for the worse.

I don't get these daily though. Once or twice a week are when they most frequently occur. But they average once or twice a month. The really bad school ones? Very few per school year, thankfully.

Haha, so many things wrong with me.

avpd (avoidant ; most likely of the pd's tbh), dpd (dependent), bpd (borderline) ..... ??????

idk ok.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't cut and think suicidal thoughts. If you do, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Please. I love you. As friends/platonically of course because I have no romantic heart and am heartless in that way. Those crushes in middle school were all fake to fit in the heteronormative society norm. Haha yeah.

Or maybe that's because I've been like an avoidant/socially anxious person for so long. Lol.

Like this is legit me with "suicidal thoughts" (psst, they're really not):

Me: I want to die.
Me: What you gonna do, buddy?
Me: What.
Me: That would be excruciating painful. I don't like pain.
Me: Then suck it up and live this crappy life in this crappy world.
Me: But.
Me: No! Suffer forever!
Me: Fine.
Me: What would you do anyway?
Me: What.

Haha me. What a joke. Such a memer dreamer. Wow.

I constantly have scratches on my hands and arms though. Because my pets are rude. Like why are you scratching me, cats? Stop it ok like stop. Damn it cats, you made me bleed but your claws don't even hurt what the heck is this. And when I'm feeling really really crappy I make my easier to attack cat (Zo) to scratch/bite me instead.. and very intentionally. Yeah, these cats are not normal sane felines like in those cat food commercials.

I feel very emotional right now.

Or I punch/slap/kick a wall. Lol I'm such a weakling.

Haha yeah that's what I mean by that. Self-harm doesn't only equal cutting yourself. But what I do doesn't hurt me. Except seeing how their sharp claws made me bleed. Wow ok.

And there's also compulsively skin picking and peeling. Fingernail skin. Yeah lol I'm a mess.

Ugh, I always feel bad posting stuff like this. People getting offended or me being ableist somehow. But only because I don't go to legit Therapy™. But in my life's circumstances and fears, I can not do that. Ok, ok.

And besides I keep on doubting myself that it's come to such an extent that I absolutely no way around it need Therapy™. I have the several self-care sites and videos for that. Therapy™ is definitely better though. Like in real life. Yeah ok.

So.. I'll end it here.

Thanks for dealing with me.

I love all you nice people out there.

I'm very distantly clingy.

Goodbye.

i

/tw/

Read at your own expense. 

I'm sorry. I mess everything up.

(v.)

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I can't. I'm sorry. I'm really not okay right now. 

Over the past week or two, I was on the verge of making new polls. One that asks "Are you my friend?" and the other that asks "Do you hate me?". I know those polls are so stupid. But I need to know. I'm too attached to "internet friends". I care too much. But I pretend I don't care about anyone in real life. Only my family really cares about me. Friends aren't that good at really caring. So I thought it would be different online. Now I think I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm detached in real life, but I'm too attached online. I didn't make the polls because I'm scared about that too. Call it anxiety, call it paranoia, call it.. hell. Someone would vote "No" and "Yes". I know someone will. I know someone out there hates me and definitely doesn't see me as their friend. I know they're out there. Still out there. I know, I know, I know. 

I was doodling and was so close to making vent art today. By art I mean digital art, not a poem or any writing thing. And I never posted any actual vent drawings online before. Yeah. 

A few hours ago when I was drawing depressing art only to delete it later, my grandma called me. She's an amazing grandma.. I love her, okay. So I was in the middle of silently crying while doodling, so when she suddenly called me, I sounded.. unhappy, to say the least. So of course she noticed. And I miserably tried to deny it. That I'm okay. I keep on lying to people. I am a disgrace. Then we both were looking up things (birthday related to me since my birthday's coming up and we always have plans together.. yeah). And, well, when she had to go look for something and went away from the phone for a minute, I started crying. I tried to hide it. I did it pretty well. I hide my feelings all the time in real life. Online is my only escape, I suppose.

And like every other time I post something when I feel sad and like crap, I listen to a few depressing songs on repeat. One of which is "Goner" (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3J5mE-J1WLk). Yeah. 

I'm left alone on weekends. They either leave for the night/s or they refuse to get out of the house. So I'm stuck at home being bored out of my mind and being sad. Today (Sunday) was such a gorgeous day. But no. Let's just stay home all day. Even though they were out all night. 

I don't even try that hard on schoolwork anymore. I only get my homework seriously done at night. 10-12 at night. It's hard to focus, to see the point. 

I'm really f***ing stupid at chemistry. Even the classmates who were struggling with me. They're better than me. They passed. I failed. I'm a fail. They have partners. I have none. I'm the odd one out. I can't ask for help on my own. I only go if my friend (or should I say good classmate acquaintance) goes to help too. I'm way too scared to get help by myself. 

My grades are all over the place. Last night I had yet another nightmare related to school. I get those quite frequently. 

I need help. But I'm terrified. I lie to everyone. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't just mean school. I mean in general. I depend on a few specific people too much, but at the same time I avoid everyone. And my mood is what the heck. I don't know anyone who's more introverted than me. My family calls me "hermit" and other more rude words because I like being left alone and isolated. 

I tell them I don't care. But I do. I care way too f***ing much. I'm aloof and detached, but I care. 

And now even more people are leaving. I knew this day would come. And so it has. That thought of deleting, unfollowing, and deactivating seems more better today. Yes, I've thought of clicking those buttons quite a few times. I make this pain increase in amount.  And it hurts.

I should leave before anyone can hurt me because I overthink things too much. I don't know how much of this I can take. I'm still crying. 

I promised someone I would be a help with something they created. I failed that person. I don't know how to do anything right. 

I'm not suicidal, but I can't see myself in the future. I'm not suicidal, but I think about death and life a lot. I don't cut myself, but I still find myself hurting myself. Emotionally turns to mentally which then turns to physically. And sometimes it's straight up physically. 

No one gives a f***. But these words are out now. On a f***ing device with internet. 

I'll end this post with a song. I think it fits for a conclusion of a post. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCeBNwBUkcI

Goodbye.

w ow

Hi hello yes Cutepups is midnight posting again. What is sleep amirite.

Where is my grammar? Who knows? This isn't school, okay. This is my coping mechanism blog where all my posts are §h¡+ :').

please don't hate me please don't hate me please don't hate me please don't hate me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

So a list of random things that obviously relate to me. Because that's how I roll.

1. Every weekend I'm left alone in the house. Oh so very lonesome being stuck here. My parents just leave late mid-day. So.. house to myself. It's good, it's bad.. I just.. ugh. So anyway for once I spent my time downstairs doing whatever y'know. And then it's 11:30 and I go back up to my room. There Thelma (aka the little punk tuxedo cat) is waiting. I left her alone in my room for around 6 hours. Wow I am stupid.

2. Last night I decided to go on YouTube and listen to just about all the songs on the Blurryface album (tøp ♡) in this edited way called "reversed". But I'm pretty sure, yeah pretty sure it's edited in a way so it isn't only edited by the songs being played backwards. Because that won't add up with the words and the sounds. Okay. So anyways, listening to those songs like that. W ow. Ouch.

3. Chemistry (my subject and class) gives me constant anxiety. I was actually right, I really am §h¡+ at it.

4. My birthday is almost in a month. I'll be 16. I don't feel 16. I'll start having to take actual driving lessons then. I'm very scared of that too. I'm a nervous wreck with tons of insecurities, and you expect me to be a good driver like them? Haha, that's funny. I'll mess up somehow. I'm scared, okay.

Oh another thing. When I was younger, I always was so captivated by the age of 16. Like those "teenage accomplishments" would have been "accomplished" by now. But instead, I feel like I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse and I hate this. Haha, what 15, 16 year old girl is anything like me? Honestly? I can't even talk to anyone right, I'm a nervous wreck, I get sad easily.. this was not what child-me dreamed of being a 16 year old. No one can relate to me. I hate this joke of a life where the joke isn't even funny.

5. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. Life can be §h¡+ and sometimes the reasons why don't have to be logical. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. We will all get through this somehow. Yes, even you viewers out there that are too shy or nervous or whatever to comment anything.

6. That was my lame attempt at trying to cheer me and you guys (if anyone needs to be cheered up I mean) up.

7. Pfft, I recently posted stuff saying I'm 5'4". Now I think I actually am 5'5". So that means I lied. Oops. My parents said I grew taller. Lol cool I guess I dunno.

8. I finished an anime yesterday. I really should get to finishing those several animes I'm in the middle of watching but stopped watching. Yeah that makes sense.

9. I should make another collab story poll soon. Sorry for the wait. I'm such a dumb irresponsible shoe. What shoe. Yes shoe.

10. Twinkle's Story constantly makes me upset and want to cry. But I still have hope that I'll finish it. Even though I bet you all know what happens, if you've been on here long enough. I've made it pretty obvious. It hurts so much. It hurts reading it. It hurts typing up chapters. It hurts quitting it because then I see myself as a failed writer who can't even finish her own stories. Everything about it is painful at this point. But I can't simply let go of it completely.

Whelp, that's 10. That's a nice even number to finish off with.

Goodbye.

hey people

Hi.

Whoever voted "I have nothing better to do."... well... yes. Cool. Thanks for being honest, person.

Because.. haha.. I'm still here posting whatever because I have nothing better to do. So.. haha.. relatable. Yes.

I love how nice the other people voted. Thanks guys. Yes.

It's cool how some of you say I inspire you. That's nice. I totally understand if you're not inspired by me. Haha, you guys inspire me. Mostly the people who used to comment, but you new guys do too. Just.. not as much, I suppose.

Yeah. Okay.

Last post. The italics. Yeah.. just thoughts I get just about daily. Okay.

So, haha, wow. I basically quit Animal Jam quite a few months ago. And I barely look at Animal Jam blogs that much. I'm pretty sure some of you guys visit the blogs I'm about to mention. Honestly, I like those blogs too. I just don't comment anymore. Because it'll be kinda weird and awkward if I comment on them if I don't even play AJ anymore. You know.. yeah. And, ugh, my comments I would comment on those blogs back in the day. Wow. So yeah, haha, I still read the posts on the Animal Jam Flash, the Animal Jam Whip, and when there are new posts, the Animal Jam Graphic Central. Those three have got to be in my favorites for AJ blogs that are still active. Like I clearly don't care about the AJ blogging info that much as a year or so ago when I did. But I still like viewing their blogs. Okay. Their blogs are good and they're good bloggers and their posts are still interesting to me. They're cool and yes, I am now a silent viewer. Who views frequently. Haha.. I can't let stuff go. Oh boy.

I silently view other people's stuff way too often. On Blogger, on DeviantArt too.. yeah. Like okay, if I comment somewhere I used to comment when I was kinda crazy to be honest.. well, that scares me. And same with the people I silently view on DA. I'm there, I see the stuff those people post quite frequently. I care what happens to them. I'm scared. But I'm there and I care. I care about all of them and all of you. I'm just really bad and scared of saying it. Just like in real life.

It's just.. annoying. Okay whatever.

Thank you for still viewing my blog. For still being here. And to those silent viewers of mine, I totally understand because I'm one too.

See you guys later.

~ Cutepups ♡

It's Only Temporary

Being with you 
The rain stops falling
The gray clouds vanish
The sun rises again 
And on lucky days
A rainbow stretches 
Across the sky 
Like a paintbrush's stroke 
That's when I'm happy
And actually mean it 
But unfortunately 
Like everything else
It's only temporary 

Conversations
Laughs
Smiles
Love
It's only temporary 

Friends 
Trust
Fun
Happiness
It's only temporary 

Everything is so fragile 
It's so easy to break
So easy to lose everything 
I'm scared
I've always been scared
So I'll be quiet 
So I'll avoid you
Even though you
All of you
In your special ways
Make me so happy
But unfortunately 
That too is
It's only temporary 
 
Intrusive thoughts
Sneaking into my head 
Being quiet and avoiding you
Has both its cons and pros
I'm too scared
So you'll never know
So I'll shut up
And scream in my head instead
These thoughts they say
It's only temporary 

It's so easy 
To say "goodbye"
Especially to you internet folk 
So close yet so far away 
It's pretty crazy 
It's so easy
To be paranoid 
To think you're lying 
To think you secretly 
Hate me or make fun of me
To crash and break 
To ruin everything 
It's terrifying 
And I'm scared
And like everything else 
They tell me
It's only temporary 

Everything is temporary 
Don't you see
How terrifying that is
Everything in life is temporary 
Even life itself 
It's only temporary 

The sunlight isn't out forever 
So neither's the rain 
It will be okay 
I won't be scared of the world
I won't be scared forever
At least that's what I hope
Since everything is temporary 
Nothing lasts forever
Even though it may have lasted 
Forever so far 
It's only temporary 

Insecurities
Pain
Negativity 
Those also are only temporary 
Please let their little phrase be true
Because I'm sick of believing 
I'll be like this forever 

And even though we'll 
Only be together temporary 
Since it's inevitable 
And even though I'll 
Secretly have my intrusive thoughts 
I hope that we'll be together
For as long as we possibly can 
Because you
Really make me happy
Even though
It's only temporary 

Okay, friends? 

----------------------------------------------------

Another writing piece by me.

Facts lmao:

I love and hate writing.

For the past few months, every time I write poems, I listen to twenty øne piløts (I am such trash omg). For some odd obsession I have with depressing songs (yes I know this song is very depressing ok I know), the more emotional the poem I write is and the more sad it is, the more often I listen to "Goner" while writing it.

Why am I in love with this song?! It's so sad. I can't stop. I even hum/sing it when I'm alone. I.. I.. Ahhhhhhh!!!! >8U

Funny because I actually wasn't listening to any tøp songs while I wrote this poem. I was listening to other bands. Wow cool. XD

... I've spoken enough trash for one post lmao.

I feel a little better today too. Compared to last weekend. Because I tend to overthink things in a negative way and suffer frequently as a result of it.

Be honest in the polls please. It's okay, really. Vote honestly. And only once. Thanks.

And yes. *sighs*

I'm still scared. I don't know what exactly of, but I am. Probably related to people and talking. And judgement. Yeah probably.

I get intrusive thoughts pretty much daily.

This is a personal, nonfictional, poem.

I'm kinda in a good mood right now, but I haven't felt true satisfied happiness in so many months.

So I still write. Woop.

~ Cutepups ☆

Two more polls

I added another two polls on the right hand side of the blog. Please vote, I'm curious and want to know! ^.^

I know the questions and answers are rather bland. 

This has nothing to do with the collab story thing. Sorry for such a huge wait on that. Life can be quite the bummer sometimes. 

I feel kinda better now than I did on the weekend. 

My emotions are all over the place, like always. 

You can choose multiple answers in both polls. 

Bye! 

~ Cutepups ^w^ 

Trapped

Thanks for the congrats on this mess of a blog's anniversary, guys. Thank you. <3 

- - - - - - - - - -  

I just typed this up now. I wanted to create a poem titled "Trapped" for a long time now, but I haven't really thought much about it until today while I was working on some homework and studying. 

Hope you enjoy. Tell me what you think, I'll appreciate that. 

It's like a web
The clump of words 
Tangled over and over again
So tightly woven 
A disorganized pile 
Made up of words 
I wish I could tell you
Or really anyone 
But it's too hard to be
Unraveled now
To form that clump of words
Into a language 
You'll understand 

But first you'll have to 
See past the lies in my eyes
The tears in my fears 
Hear past the hatred
The doubts in my shouts 
To understand 
But I won't put down
My defenses
My contradictions
My lies
To make it any easier for you
Because it's impossible for me
Not to avoid it all

I'm sorry 
It's so hard enough already
To not avoid this
I wish I could say this
Straight forward 
Not in this way

So much negativity 
Can find the positivity 
Hanging by a thread
Not hard to grasp
Hard to keep

I'm trapped
In this place where the light
Bounces off the glass
Keeping me even colder 
Where happiness strays
And where sadness lingers 

So may you help me
Break the glass and
Set me free 
So maybe then 
I won't be as scared anymore 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Copied and pasted from my DeviantArt. 

Take care.

Please.

yes it is

I checked it. I started this blog on April 11, 2014. So today's the blog's 2nd anniversary. Okay.

I'm going to be busy today because there's a lot more important things that need to be done. *cough* school stuff especially *cough*

I couldn't sleep well last night, but now when I go to school I have to take the PARCC tests. So! Gotta go!

Bye. ^-^'

saturdays are my sad-urdays

Because I almost always get the most sad on Saturdays. My favorite day of the week. Wow. Like I'm pretty unhappy - pretty sad every day of the week. But Saturdays? Especially this past one? Oh wow, that sadness though. Well, it's been almost every Saturday for the past few months. I feel better on Sundays though. Like I'm less sad than I was on Saturday and Friday. But I guess it's replaced by stress now. Oh.. life. 

Sorry for all my negativity, guys. It's just.. yeah, sorry.

No facts for this post. I'll probably post some more totally random facts about me another day. I mean night since I post most of my posts at night rather than during the day. 

Wow, I've been feeling more like crap than usual this weekend. For several reasons. Not just one. 

Yep. 

I also drew this a few hours ago. 

Horror notebook? Horror girl with earbuds in? 

I don't know what the heck this is, but compared to the other things I drew and hated, I like this one. It's different. 

; ; 

It actually did not start out as a vent. So it's not one, okay. I actually started it as it being the white girl as a silhouette in a black background with her front being her back. But.. oh well, things change. Everything changes.

Yes, behind her is a horror creepy thing's face. The wings make the mouth. And yes, she is crying. 

Haha, this week is gonna suck. 

Im such a pessimist, I know. 

Hopefully, I'll survive this week. 

Bye. 

~ S <3 

awfully random facts about me

Hey guys. If you haven't noticed, I posted some pretty random facts about me last post. I'm going to post more awful (and random too I guess \_(ツ)_/¯) facts about me.

That guy. \_(ツ)_/¯ is my fav. Emoji thing. It's like shrug. Kinda passive-aggressive maybe? Sarcastic? Like, you know like, "I don't know". It's so me. It speaks to me, okay.

I'm safe on here. Good, good. It's all good. (No, I'm a wreck lol I was being sarcastic lol I'm not good).

Which brings me to....

Where I've been.

I bet the 2 or 3 people who still read my blog that I know still do were wondering, "Hey, where has C. Pup been for the past, uh, 2 days? I am like so seriously concerned right now!"

"Shh, shh ignore the fact I bet they know I'm on other sites." << me.

C. Pup? Wtf.

Oh right. So, several things.

For one, does anyone honestly care if I don't post? The answer is.. Nobody.

I'm also stressed about life. Existential crisis to school exams crisis. And everything inbetween too, of course. Like having those social crisises.

And, of course, I'm not happy and I don't want to burden any distant viewers of mine who are still innocent and haven't been on here for too long. Not yet contaminated by my shizposting. Because it's hard to be positive about life.. and, well, me. Because.. yeah.. it's me, okay.

Screw numbers. I'll just say facts about me in sentences or paragraphs. Depending on the facts of course.

These facts might get nasty. Risky. View if you're okay. My life isn't/wasn't all happy. Lol.

It's almost my blog's 2nd anniversary. I'm too scared to check (shh, you are too, stranger.. you are too), but I think it's April 11th. Or April 13th. One of those days. I think it's the 11th though.

For the past few weeks, especially this past week, my eyes have felt like the slightest thing could make me start crying. Teary eyes. Yeah, I cried today. And last night. ("Crybaby, crybaby" ;-;)

I'm alone in my home right now. Excluding my pets, of course. I'm so lonely. 24/7 though. Woop.

Posting on here is one of my coping mechanisms.

I kinda have lowkey trust issues concerning me and friends.

I honestly think I'm clingy to some friends I've made only through the internet. Maybe too clingy. These kinds of friends (idk if they all know this blog exists lol its alright) I have thoughts about them that range from, "Yes, this is a safe person.. friends.. yay!" to "No, I hate this person.". So, haha, my thoughts on people can change very easily. Even in a course of a single day.

I got made fun of in a negative way (aka lowkey bullying) several times in the past.

Because of that, I hate those positive quotes about how being different from everyone else is good. Because, newsflash, it's not. I hate being different. For those reasons I have, I wish I could be the same as most people I know. I'd rather sound "normal" like the rest of my family. I'd rather have "normal" social skills. I'd rather be born (and still be? 
\_(ツ)_/¯) neurotypical (remember, went to 4 therapies during my young childhood). But no. That can't happen. Not all differences are positive okay, whoever says that.. screw them.

I remember at least one event from my childhood that traumatizes (if I'm even allowed to use that word pfft) me every day. Or almost daily.

I have this sketchy memory from several years ago when I was still a child (aka not a tween or teen yet.. I don't think I was a tween then anyways) where I was in an argument with my siblings. Yeah, trigger warning maybe. Lol frick. And I think at one point my sister (maybe my brother too idk anymore) told me out of us three siblings, I would be the one most likely not to be straight and be suicidal. Lol :)) frick my life then. Haha. Because it technically is true. :)) (is asexual and thinks thoughts that might be classified as suicidal to some.. no not details and shiz.. gonna stay alive lol).

I used to always be the shortest or second shortest kid in my classes in elementary (aka primary school). Now I'm not close to being the shortest at all. Woop.

Seriously, don't worry about me in that way. I'm not really suicidal or anything, I promise. I just remembered that bad memory a few days ago. I remember bad memories almost daily lol.

My siblings are way out of their mean jerk phases. Lol don't worry, we're okay. But they've been mean sometimes when we were all children. Nice too, of course. Lol siblings though.

My family decided to get Thelma (our punk little tuxedo cat) because my fish, Sparkle, died. And just like all the previous small pets I had that died, I was very sad when he died. And my birthday was approaching, so yeah, she was my main birthday gift that year. We got her before then though. So around Mother's Day.

My other own personal fish, Angel, (both fish were males lol my name choices though) once was out of his fishbowl for hours. We lost him. He ended up being this blue round shape that we mistook for a toy piece. He survived and was like whatever. I based a whole speech about this incident. I also tried to pet Angel once.. yeah, betta fish don't like being petted. Lol.

My sister is majoring to be a therapist in one of the therapies I went to and needed. At some point I questioned why I still needed that one.

These facts are being so personal, but I don't care. I'm always bored and lonely, so yolo.

I rarely take selfies. I don't like people taking pictures of me except if they're family or I look good and not my usual ugly self.

I'll be 16 in 42 days.

I love and hate getting attention in equal amounts.

I'm on an art block and writer's block right now. Not in the means of no ideas and inspiration, I mean by no motivation and not liking my art works.

Well, I'll end it there. Those facts got deep. Woop.

Well, that's off my chest now. Now you know.

Facts about yours truly. Me.

Please don't hate me.

Don't leave too long of comments.

Thanks.

Bye.

yo new profile pic

I put in a new (and PicMonkey edited again) Blogger Profile picture. I think this one suits my personality quite well. The other one was so open and smiley.. and this one is like shy and timid and neutral. And my hair isn't even as long as that other girl profile pic's. But mine isn't as short as the one I have for my profile pic now. Haha ok. 

There was this college fair at my school today (Thursday). I got some college stuff. Lol yeah. Walking with my quiet friend. Us being awkward. Grabbing those papers and folders. Oh yes. And mascot things.

We both have no idea what we're doing with our lives. Lol oh my.

I also remembered that word I forgot. It's one of my vocab words. Impotent. Ah yes, I get that feeling a lot. Especially when other people are upset/have something abnormal about them. That sounded wrong, but I don't know how to rephrase that better. And also about myself. Oh bother.

What else? Why am I here?

I don't want next week to come quickly. I have the PARCC (read my posts from last year's March and you'll understand.. it counts as a grade now though). :/

And that Tuesday thing. Ugh, I do not know. I have no good and sparking ideas.

Life sucks being a what seems like a friendless loner. Especially when you can't reach out and begin talking to other people just like that without being awkward which is a heckful experience to heck. So you just stand there. And then take out your phone, stalking your own blog.

Lol that sounded sad. I am so sad. I have no life and no one notices me. I must be a ghost that is only visible to a select number of people. That must be it.

Chatting makes me happy. Online chatting. With online friends. *wink wink*

Chatting with people irl. Hahaha.. instant regrets. Oh boy. Am I a child/teen avoidant or am I really just trash at knowing how to do social things? Like.. I go to school. Because I have to. But I feel inferior to other people in most cases. Like if you're around my age or older. Like I don't think a toddler or infant or fetus or whatever is more superior than me. That's just ridiculous. Yes, even more superior than a fetus. And even more superior than an embryo. Even a zygote. Zygote is the right word, right? Lol who knows man.

Now some awful random facts about me:

1. I once had a pet frog named Hop. Or Frog. I forgot, I kept him for less than a day.

2. I was such a small and bald baby. 

3. I wear glasses.

4. My voice annoys me when I hear it in a recording. I posted some posts with my voice, so you understand what I mean by my suffering. : )

5. My main catchphrases irl are "no", "I don't know", and "shut up".

6. I named my cocker spaniel stuffed animal, Spat. He is a good actor and goes on adventures with the black labrador retriever, Blackie.

7. There were several things wrong with me when I was a young child. I had to go to 4 therapies for 4 different things.

8. My siblings are away at college.

9. I did this Warriors story thing. Thelma was this warrior named Whitenose, and then she became leader, Whitestar.

10. Blackie and Spat starred in this movie series called "The Crongers". Crongers are these dirt-colored, giant booger-looking monsters that try to kill Blackie, Spat, and the rest of their squad.

11. Blackie's little brother is Midnight and their little sister is Faith. Their last name is Darknight.

12. Spat's little brother is Oreo. Their last name is Dixie.

13. Blackie's birthday is May 21st and Spat's is May 28th. They are my age.

14. I had such a love, a fondness, for stuffed animals. Duh.

15. I had these gerbils named Midnight and Dawn. Both males.

16. I had this hamster named Chester. I think he was a panda hamster. Yes.

17. The first story I wrote that has been put into a journal was when I was either 2 or 3 years old.

18. I think my first drawings are in that same journal.

19. I have curly hair.

20. My brother tried to make me turn into a boy when I was 7. It didn't work out.

21. In 5th grade, I got a haircut where nearly all my hair was cut off. When I came home, my sister mistook me for our brother.

Lol haha what

I shall continue this.

Bye now.

:))

um hi hello

Um...

Hi. Hello.

:^)

I changed some things on my Blogger Profile. So if you want to see them, just click on my name at the end of this post or in the comments where I comment comments. Ok cool.

During and after Spanish class a little bit, I thought I was gonna post something that says something like, "I feel worse than before. blahblahblah I overthink everything, am a sensitive as prick single pringle living in a trash can, and oh my god anxiety I can't do this blahblahblah".

But now, several hours after school, I am no longer dying. I mean panicking. Anxiety. Avoids social life. *screams in head*.

So much to do. Don't know how to. Stress. Tests. An additional test. Project. With partner at least. But it's bad. Writing a paragraph about thing for non-school thing but it is required and I don't know how to relate the two concepts.

I'm such an outcast in school. They are staring at me. I don't talk. To like anyone. Because honestly none of them give a crap about me. Like yeah ok just ignore my existence. How? What? This is life? I deserve a D or F in life. Because I suck at living it. Like. I can't. I'm so alone. No one is like me. Why didn't I get any good social and interaction genes? Because I can't be social and interact with people in real life for my life.

And these annoying little ditches (omg ditches lol I'm such a funny bean I don't even like beans so of course that analogy makes sense because I don't like myself either lol haha). Like they be yapping and blabbering like, "oh my god I want to kill myself hahahahaha!". And then I'm like, "please stop. just don't. ok no. you make me want to die ("when I wake up I'm afraid") with me having to hear your voices. please when can i exit hell?"

It's from a song. Like gosh.

Like I'll be walking by myself to lunch or whatever and then suddenly my brain would be all like, "lol hahaha you are so socially inept. now let's talk about death things because this will never end ok life sucks my dude, mk?". And I'll be all like, "whoa there buddy.. oh darn another segment why i suck at the game of life in the real world which is definitely not a game". Like yeah mhmm.

While outside and to every other person I'm just walking stupidly in the hallways or whatever with no one because lol no friends.

Oh yeah. Then I was thinking, "Nothing's working because nothing can work. Nothing can fix this. I'll just end up giving in to my attempts of lying and successfully hiding my true feelings. I need help."

lol me such a sad excuse for a person

My partner for this Spanish project told me something along the lines of, "Can you say anything other than I don't know?"

So I kinda panicked (internally of course externally i have no feelings so call me dead) and told him, "I don't know" (and then something like "I'll draw the library"). We're drawing a map. So.. yeah. I can not draw today. My drawings today in class. Ew ew ew you can do better than that, S!".

That question was intimidating to me. Like.. strange mind my dude can not function smoothly in that way.. idk is my default setting to most non-straightforward questions. But maybe I be knowing, but it still comes out "I don't know". Ok idk.

There must be something wrong with me. I know I might seem like I communicate rather decently with you internet folks, but please, spend a day with me irl and you'll understand. Socializing casually and me don't mix. You'll probably be like, "wow.. she is so quiet.. omg wow she is boring.. .. bye now lol".

And I'll look at my nails like I always do.

Why do I even type in "like" so many times in my posts? I almost never say "like" irl. It's my source of internet buffering. Like, um, umm, uh.. those bunch of words.

Positivity things don't reach down far enough. It doesn't help. Doesn't affect anything. I'm still crap at basic human interaction, I can't change my ways, and I hate myself because of it.

Which causes me to feel depressed and anxious. Ok wait. Actually I guess I do suck at socializing online too. I haven't commented on other blogs in so long. But I be checking. I too unmotivated to comment a good comment. And like you don't comment here either, so why I be commenting on yours? Like that kind of thing. Oh yeah and even sometimes midway through chats on the big official chat site where there's more than one person and blahblahblah I'll suddenly start feeling not too good. And ugh anxiety. But like, I like them guys. But then suddenly pain strikes. And it just.. ugh.

Stay alive and don't die.

Ok bye.

I hate being the center of attention and anything anyone says can make me feel uneasy to a panic-mode, but I need attention.

i.. i..

Gone.

ok so stuff

Post update for today/tonight. April 5th, April 6th.. whichever date you're reading this.

I, have recently realized more and more, that I'm unlike most typical people. I do things, or think things, that most typical people don't.

I'm different. Same too. But the ways I am different.. well.. I hate them. I want those things to go away, to die.. but they can't. Because they are parts of who I am. Like, I think, some of the things and reasons are understandable.. but some things aren't.

Life, especially academically (mostly school but not only that), is getting really stressful nowadays. Today I started getting anxiety over this whole big thing I'm a part of that's happening in June. More and more often socializing with family members and "friends" seems more and more harder for me to do. It's like I'm getting worse at it. And then all these thoughts come.. And it's just a mess. A cluttered mess of anxiety.

I'm still trying to calm down from all that stress and anxiety. And I'm really tired because of it. These specific YouTube videos helped me.

I'm honestly still shaking a little bit as I'm typing this. Oh boy, overthinking things to cause anxiety is my specialty. Even when I do nothing, I'm screaming in my head. And, ugh, it's stressful and anxious.

It's also suddenly cold. The weather, I mean. Weather is weird.

I remember I used to title all my blog posts with each word being capitalized. And reading stuff like that kinda hurts my eyes now. And I'm way more emotionally drained and sappy (<< fun combination word I came up with that combines the feelings of happiness and sadness at the same time because that is my emotional state nowadays) than several months before.

Also.. where is everyone? Like this place seems like it's abandoned of commenters now? Um.. I know you all got your reasons, I bet I can name a few but I won't on here, I'm concerned and worried and.. ugh. You don't hate me.. right? I've made so many posts with that "ugh she's at it again :/" vibe. But, like, I kinda may have trust issues with "friends" who were all nice and friendly and awesome in my life.. and only one day for them to not be there for me at all, use me for their own benefit, ignore my existence, or worse of all, to suddenly get away from me and leave without telling me anything. And yeah.. it hurts. It still hurts a lot. 

This post is worded strangely, I know. I'm not in the best shape right now.

I'm going to head off to bed now. Well, after I clean up and everything.. before bed stuff.

Bye.

Flowers (and Other Plants) part 2

Part 1: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2016/03/flowers-part-1-other-news.html?m=1

I'm on mobile, so if you're not, you can just get rid of the "?m=1".

Sorry if I post any repeat photos.

I have standardized testing all next week. I posted about it so much last year, oh my god why.

Constantly changing mood. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Down for unnecessary negative (how depressing smh) thoughts that seemed to have come from nowhere.. during typing last post. And.. maybe it's affected by other people and not just myself.

I regret typing things like this. The negativity itself that I obviously overshare on here, and then the post/s afterwards. It's this cycle of insecurities. Can't seem to get myself to go as specific in saying how I feel out loud into words, so I type it up instead. And also keeps best to internalize it so no one has to know.. I try my best.

New Blogger update says Blogspot blogs will be getting the "https://" before the Blogspot blog url. Making blog addresses more official and professional, huh? Nice.

My fingers hurt. I decided to do part 2 now. Yay.

Ok, okayyy. You came here for plants. I type way too much about myself on this damn blog.

But, ok like, I don't like my handwriting. It changes a lot, and unless I try and am interested in what I'm writing (so not schoolwork lol), I get iffy and uncomfortable with it. Like, you know, reading what I handwrote.. especially compared to other classmates. Not all of them.. my handwriting isn't that horrible. Heh, every student that's nice and reads my handwriting when we're working in partners or small groups compliments my handwriting by saying how neat it looks. But it isn't..? I find it ugly compared to theirs. Haha. (Cutepups levels of insecurity rising as levels of esteem falling. tfw).

So I type up what's on my mind instead. But since I have to tell someone and want to have a reaction even though they may make me feel more nervous and insecure, I post them on here. Because I don't feel like doing it on other sites. However, I do not feel better and comfortable, or well, want to talk about how I feel to people irl. Main word- talk.

I'm so contradictory it's not even funny...

Oh right, plants! (Stop forgetting, Cutepups! You don't want any possible viewer to hate you even more than you think they already do!).

Bye.

~ Cutepups ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

!!! aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I. Am. So. Stupid.

The plants are from the same flower show I typed about in part 1. ^^

The ones at the tables were contestants in flower, or other plant, contests.

So yeah.. sorry about that.

ヾ(_ _*) ＼(_ _ ;)

Dog Birthday + Whatever.. (v)

Hello. It's m-- No. I've been missing you for quite some time.~

I celebrated two of my very young cousins' birthdays that occurred recently.

Their dog plays fetch. Mine does not.

Actually, today's my dog's birthday. Sunshine's birthday. She's 11 now. She's growing old.

I'll put in some photos I took of her (one has crappy edits) at the end of this post. My house is such a mess.. just like my thoughts.

I go back to school tomorrow. Well.. can't help that from happening. The friends and socializing part of school isn't fun for me anymore. I'm not even sure if I actually have friends apart from the 2 or 3 people I chat with online and on other sites. And then the people who I believe actually are my friends and don't bs me don't even attend my school. There's this family event ceremony thing that's happening on Tuesday morning. I wish I could miss school and attend it.. but I can't. I'm just saying.. I hope that new baby will be okay.. um yeah.. baby and parenting difficulties. Another distant and not immediate family stress.

(EDIT- Oh shoot, this turned out to become such a vent. Oh god. Read below at your own risk. /tw)

Whelp, it seems that almost all the time nowadays (I'll say 95+% of the time) I'm inbetween being happy and being unhappy. And more often as time passes by do I become more contradictory. And irritable. And then the self-hatred comes.

Oh and my immediate family (especially my mom right now.. it used to be my sister, but not anymore) keeps on pestering me. And then I can't stop wanting to be left alone and always so irritable to her. So then I'm pretty sure she's starting to hate me at this point. I've been a jerk to her more than to others, that's for sure. But she.. ugh this sounds cliche.. just won't understand.

Damn it. I'm so sorry, mom. I'm sorry I'm not as outgoing and interesting and exciting as them. I'm sorry I'm not like that generic teen. I'm sorry I stay in bed so long. I'm sorry I find little to no interest in just about any activity besides just surfing the web and my online accounts. Ugh.. I'm sorry I can't just lie to you by smiling and saying I had fun doing that.. because that didn't make me happy. I'm sorry I'm different. I'm sorry I only feel like doing nothing. I'm sorry I don't know what to do with my life. I'm sorry doing those tasks brings me anxiety. I'm sorry I'm not a social person. I'm sorry I'm a negative introvert.

I can't get myself to think of any future life plans for me. I have no idea what to do with my life. I know being an artist gets you barely any money unless you're, well, really out there and well-known and stuff. And, well, I'm adequate. Maybe even worse than that. But I'm sorry I'm not interested in anything else, so I'm screwed for the future. I don't know what I want to be. That terrifies me. The idea of job interviews and career/college applications gives me anxiety. It's bad that it's so hard for me to imagine a future, me in 10 years from now for example, that I'm living in.

It's like a steel black roadblock. After senior year of high school, there's just this roadblock. I hate not knowing what to do with my life. Nothing at all. Writing, maybe drawing too.. come on now, that's unrealistic. If I'm going to do that, I know I'll need another job. But, haha, what. I'm so pathetic and hopeless.

I can't imagine a future, a successful and happy future, with me in it. I've been like this for months, years.. I don't know. I hate when so many people I know are so happy and living through it. Because it just lets me think how successful they are.

Does thinking this way count in suicidal thinking? Most likely not. But, well, it being nearly impossible to imagine living successfully in the future (like every 5 years from now for example.. so 20, 25, 30, 35, etc.). It's not like I'll act on anything.. bad.

I know so many people years older than me don't have their life figured out yet either. I know there's a "yet" to all this thinking. But, well, I just feel trapped in never achieving beyond that "yet".

I'm so insecure and scared. And then there's the fact of why not letting myself live with a significant other so I'm not all alone in life and whatnot. But I can't feel attractions in that way. Family just won't understand that. And friends? That.. well.. I'm skeptical on that. Me? Having friends? That would be supportive and live with me and whatever? Haha, that's hilarious.

Friends.. they're the ones that never explain the things to me, hide things behind my back, are never straightforward with me first or at all, make me hesitant on trusting new ones.

I was born, and always will be, alone and a lonely person. That's just my nature or whatever. That's just how things are. I can't just change my ways and be outgoing and social and exciting to be around. I'm sorry I just can't do that.

I.. I don't know. I'm sick of it.

Will I account for anything? Am I worth anything (in real life)? What's the point?

Nowadays, I constantly feel that if the littlest unsettling thing happens to me, I'll cry. And, well, that's stupid. Crying, for what? I can't even get my freaking mouth to explain how I feel to them. I can't even get myself to do that right. And honestly, the littlest thing on my spring break vacation made me yell at my parents. Like the fact that there was no wifi.

It's like everything's setting me off/on edge nowadays. And it sucks. Even seeing my friends with their boyfriends or girlfriends (depends on the friend.. not just if they're male or female.. yeah that) sets me on edge inside. Like seeing them happy. And I can't help feeling jealous and more distant between them. And this is only because they have/had a significant other. I never even felt actual romantic attraction once in my life, yet I can't help but feel so jealous about the fact that they have a significant other.

Wow, I must suck. I should just leave you guys alone.

I'm sorry.

.....

Okay, if you survived through all that shiz I just typed up, then congratulations.

Now since this is the conclusion of my post, I'll post some Sunshine photos.

The first one has those crappy edits on it. The second one has a black blob running across in front of her. The black blob is my little punk cat, Thelma, running in front of Sunshine. Thelma secretly loves Sunshine. She tries to deny it, but she's bad at hiding the evidence.

My house is ugly shiz. Believe me, I know.

Well.. okay.

Whatever.

Bye.

~ Cutepups

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

oh......

Waking up at 3 am and posting at 4. Woke up at 4 the other day. I mean hey guys.

I just heard that music-coming-from-nowhere again. I only hear it in my room. The music seems to come from nothing and nowhere. The songs aren't even good songs half the time. This is driving me crazy! What is wrong with me?!

So.. lol.. how ya'll been? What's new with you?

Y'all..? Lol what I'm not even from the south.

Did anyone care that I was suddenly gone for a week? Wondered what happened? Got worried? Confused? Sad? Or is that just a me thing?

You're all alive and well, I'm assuming? (well.. duh.. of course you're alive.. maybe not well.. who am I to know.. it's 4 am why am I even typing this now).

It's okay.. we'll be okay..

I hate how I know people are in distress and bad things like that, and I can't help them when they need the support right then and there. It bothers me so much.

Oh yeah lol. I reread my first few April 2015 posts.

I.. I.. Frick. The fool was that I was quitting Twinkle's Story. Then I said I would never abruptly leave it.

But.. it turns out that fool became a reality. Because I did quit it. And not just the story, AJ too.

And back then.. I thought that could never happen to me. Same about other things too.. they happened to me. Frick.

It's so annoying when I go back before June or whenever when I wasn't so "down in the dumps" about everything. Like, oh my god, the keyboard faces. And the excitement. And, you know, being a good decent blogger with an actually entertaining blog. It annoys me how I was and at some points even pretended to be so happy and positive and la-di-da. Because I know I can't let myself actually be that way again. Like.. my god, was I immature back then. I was what.. 14, 15? And I sounded what.. 11, 12 in my old posts? Just.. oh my god. If you're a newer viewer (especially if you're from my DA or tumblr or whatever.. idk), I beg you to please don't go searching past my later months' posts of 2015. Before that.. well.. that side of me is long gone dead now. I killed it.. the cringe.. gosh. But yet I'm sucking it up and not deleting any of it. Because I'm brave.. no.. because I'm stupid more like.

Ooh, it's 4:20 am... 420 blaze it!

Sorry. Now it's past 4:20 am. I've been up for over an hour now then.

It's not even a school day (thank god). Why the heck am I still up?

Don't answer that. That's a rhetorical question for myself. I ask myself a lot of questions. I hate it.

I miss the commenters from a year ago. They made me so happy. Really happy, not any faked happiness. They were some of my favorite commenters ever. I considered us friends at some point.
But then they left completely. Like yeah, if they ever come back one day, of course I'll still consider them my friends. Because.. man.. were those people awesome. I wonder if the Anons from back then (the cool swag ones I mean obviously) still visit my blog. I like those cool swag Anons. Maybe they still lurk around and are the ones who vote on my polls..? Because, like, 2 other people actually still comment on here, but I got more than 2 results from the polls. So yeah lol please come back lovely people. I miss you. A lot. ...frick...

Over the years of being into this blogger stuff, I've realized that I've been a fool for the way I acted. Like.. god.. it's hard enough for me already. Not thinking and being skeptical that online friends will suddenly leave you completely one day. And forget you. Because.. well.. idk. It was stupid of me to think that freaking "best friends forever together" logic that is bs would be different and work online. Because irl "friends" do it all the time. Every "friend" does that. Either that or ignore me and make me feel like I don't exist. I know it's my fault. I'm the most boring and socially awkward person you'll ever meet. And yeah, I get made fun of. And yes, I have a dislike for people for various reasons. I told you guys I'm negative. Like, online "friends" or whatever I made during my years of cruddy blogging, they're like the best friends I always wish I could have irl. Some irl "friends" are funny and cool with me I guess, but they constantly ignore my existence.. so, that's that.

Basically.. well.. it's hard for me to trust people who are new to me and are nice to me. Because I think we're friends when maybe they never see me as a friend.. then turns out they just left. And never communicated with me ever again.

My god.. what is wrong with me. It's been months, it's been years. And yet, I still get sad about them. I hate being emotionally attached to "friends". I hate only being internally because I can't get myself to show my internalized feelings about what I think of those certain people externally.

I miss the... "good old days... now we're stressed out". (yes yes tøp yes yes).

Hmm.. maybe a part that built up my negativity is the reason that it's hard for me to trust new people in my life, and so I hate opening up completely and being close to anyone new in my life that I might consider a "friend". And because so many people who I loved being in my life totally ditched me one day. Not just online people.. no.. people in general. And.. the feeling.. it just sucks. I hate that "best friend together forever" logic so much. It's never worked with me.

I just.. idk. Rereading some things reminded me of some other things. And so this post happened.

Bye guys. (lol like anyone actually cares.. pfft..).

~ Cutepups || S.