doot doot

Heyo kiddos. It's me again. Yes, so annoying ugh ikr.

I bet I'm gonna get hate for this post! Aw, love you too! Haha!

Ah yes, the "doot doot" is another post title with the weird speech sounds to distract from the disappointments scattered throughout all my posts.

I hope TQPP is helpful and a resource to you guys. I like TQPP a lot. Though it only helps for a very limited amount of time.

By the way, I handed in my first job application yesterday. Haha, it's that same summer camp job I constantly complained about last summer. But this year I can get paid. I'm getting old. Haha wow.

I'm deciding on maybe not posting daily anymore. I just don't have anything interesting to post about except for complaining about my life and internalizing all my problems but pushing them into your faces. I also have been lacking sleep lately. I go to bed a few minutes before midnight on most nights. And blogging caused one reason for that. But not just blogging. And then there are my nice female classmates saying they fall asleep at 10 pm. That's when I actually finish all my homework. Haha, I'm such a mess omg.

Haha. I've been feeling anxious for so long that my body is starting to hurt physically. I'm scared. I can't explain what and why, especially so open on the internet (lol why do I even post here then), but I am.

Well, have this pretty background thing. I like it. It's pretty.

Haha, oh wait.

Smh, it's so professionally accurate. Really concerned. Seriously.

Nah kiddos, just online test results I screenshotted. Honest answers. Telling the truth. Just two. I don't exaggerate or glorify. At least I hope it doesn't look that way.

I haven't always been this way. It's been fairly recent. Since high school. Maybe middle school. Especially this year when future things and activities and jobs and stuff like that have began weighing down on me. But this could all be just a load of poo, and my teen mind is messing with me. But I'm pretty sure the average "normal" teen isn't how I am. Problems, hormones.. who knows. Not all of them are really okay, though.

 Oh life, downspiraling into the pit of despair. Fun, how fun, now take me out. 

Hmm.. should I be concerned about them?

Maybe a select few. One a lot.

Haha. Haha. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry.

I'm shaking right now. And my stomach kinda hurts. All the usual.

People being all chill and happy and satisfied with all aspects with their lives. Whelp, people like that seem so fake to me.

Like people don't experience those things? Mentally and/or physically? They don't have existential crisises and get paranoid at least sometimes? And think life is just "ehhhh" at most? People are actually happy? And mean it? Happy with themselves? Not get distressing thoughts? For no logical reason sometimes?

What a faraway concept. How interesting.

Ah man, my writings keep on hurting me.

There's a reason I go on here less and less.

It's kinda funny. Just about everyone who isn't a **** irl and who isn't part of my immediate family think I'm such a sweet and innocent person who's just cute and shy.

But I'm not. I'm a mean and irritable person. I've hurt people. I'm not cute and shy. I'm cold and distant. Call me antisocial for all I care. I know I am. I'm aware of other people there. I know what those guys are saying to themselves about me. I'm not that stupid. I've learned after being tossed around and treated like trash. I treat other people like trash then. Social situations can make me pretty uncomfortable. I avoid new things and getting to be close with new people. But the internet's a whole other story. If you meet me irl, I probably will distance myself from you and be less clingy like I am with some people I only know through the internet. I'll change. I'm sorry. Told you I'm full of disappointments. 

I think I ruin people's days by posting. It must have been relieving to not see anything new from me for a few days.

But oh well. I'm apparently still here. 

Yay.

I don't own the pictures. Or the sites I screenshotted them from.

Bye, bye.

Sorry in advance.

Meh.