It’s New Year’s Eve, almost New Year’s where I live. 2020 is almost over. Finally.
This year felt like half a decade to me. It felt so long. Agonizingly long.
I don’t really have any plans. Spending tonight at home with my family. Had Thai food for dinner. It was delicious. Having dessert now.
Mm, food, yes. :P
I just finished watching a Netflix movie with my sister and mom. It’s called White Fang. We watched it with Maxine, who also watched it. Her ears perked up at the noises like the dogs barking and whining in the movie.
Also, my family stopped “hating” Maxine now, so that’s good. The rescue place where she came from told my sister that Maxine used to be a stray. For most of her life. So I guess that explains why she wasn’t trained before and her aggression towards other dogs. Maybe.
I’m going to miss her so much. She’s so sweet with people. It’s just dogs that she doesn’t do well with.
I don’t think anything good happened this year. 2020 has been horrible for me since January. Since the beginning.
I’m so done. Idk why I’m still alive. I have nothing to live for.
Something very bad happened yesterday. I’m still hurt because of what happened.
Sad. Angry. Upset.
Idk why I’m still living. Me still being alive is a fucking joke. A fucked up joke.
I’m so fucking done with 2020. I have absolutely no expectations for 2021. The only good thing I can think of is that I’ll be turning 21, which means it’ll be easier for me to drink alcohol. 21, the legal drinking age. Yeah yeah.
Oh and just ignore all the posts I made about Maxine. Just forget about it. They don’t matter. Nothing matters.
My family is probably not going to keep Maxine anymore. She did very bad things.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Just forget about her. Forget everything I said about her.
I really thought something good happened this year. Oh boy was I wrong.
Everything is bad and wrong. There is nothing good. I like to pretend there is, but there really isn’t.
Hi, I have plenty of pictures I should post on this here wreck of a blog. :)
Note: The order of the pictures in this post isn't chronological. A picture I insert first could have been taken after a picture I'll insert later on in the post.
Yes. Anyway, enjoy my photos. ;D
But first, context.
Maxine has to wear a big cone around her head since she got spayed fairly recently. I think she looks funny with it.
She gets cold very easily since she's thin and has short fur. I thought it was strange at first when I pet Maxine and then Thelma. The cats have longer fur than the dog now. Not like Sunshine at all, haha.
Maxine is a sighthound mix. We think she's part-whippet or part-greyhound and part... who knows what else.
Also, I love Maxine's ears. Something happened to her left ear. Ah, her past is a mystery to us.
As for the deer, I took short videos of them as well, but Blogger doesn't like videos. Oh darn, that's a shame.
At the end of my backyard, there are woods, so that's probably where the deer came from. There's no fence separating the backyard from the woods. My dad is against fences. I don't know. Anyway.
We saw 4 or 5 deer around our house yesterday afternoon. All female deer. They were hanging out like it's girls night or something. I don't know lmao.
There were 2 in the front yard, and 2 or 3 other deer in the backyard. The ones in the front yard were so close to the house. They were so close to the window and front door.
I only made Jack, Dylan, and Stella and her sister on this design maker.
....... I especially like the "past" Jack and the "now" Dylan that I designed on this Picrew.
(yes, yes, yes)
"Past" = Jack and Dylan during their middle school or high school years. "Now" = them in the current day (for the events of story 2).
Got that? Ok, let's go.
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Jack:
(oh yeah, the first pic is the "then/past" and the second pic is the "now")
(ignore the huge gaps of blank space. it's such cringe, i know.)
I'm obsessed with the "past" Jack for some reason. Jack's natural hair color is a pale, dusty-like brown. He used to have very messy hair before he cut it much shorter and started dyeing it. He got in lots of fights— school fights when he was still in school, and then street fights when he was new to "living" on the streets and didn't know how to really use his... Power. Though he did use it a few times before. He's been through a lot. He's not a stranger to violence and mentally screwing people over. He wasn't a sweet boy.
Dylan:
This is going to be one of the only times I'll designing Dylan pre-coming out and pre-transition. (He's still transitioning when story 2 takes place, but I digress...). "Past" [Dylan] looking uncomfortable and feeling bitter for appearing female, like a girl. I think that long hair design fits him, that he would look like that in middle school. The blue bow looks cute, and I guess it replaces how he dyes his hair when he's older. As for the second pic, it just fits him so well. Black T-shirt, hoodie, cap, determined look in his eyes, arched eyebrows, sly grin... yeah, that's pretty much how I imagine Dylan looking physically.
And now it's time for the sisters. Stella and her sister. I might name her Luna.
Stella and Luna.
Those names for the sisters. Sounds like a pair. Star and Moon.
They used to be close. Their sisterly relationship is sweet... turned bittersweet.
Stella is the one with blue hair and the stars.
Luna (?) is the one with the blonde hair and angel halo. Luna has angel vibes. Because she just does.
(ok, ok, ok)
~* blank space, baby *~
also......
Tonight was the last day of Hanukkah. 🕎
A few nights ago, I took this pic. ;D
Yes, that's a light-up dreidel. I took videos of it spinning, but Blogger doesn't like or won't let me insert videos I made on my phone's camera into blog posts. Blogger... eww.
My dad found my frog Beanie Baby and tried giving it to Maxine to play with.
I didn't like that. She shouldn't play with Beanie Babies.
So I grabbed Smoochy (that's the name of the frog) and took this picture.
Froggy... 🐸
Smoochy is mine! 😤
About Maxine, my sister supposedly signed the papers and mailed the check. Which means...
My sister officially adopted Maxine! She's ours. Supposedly.
😃☺️😊
And here's a pic of Maxine relaxing in her crate and Mr. Zo lying next to it. They're just chilling. Hanging out.
I like to think they're friends. :)
See? Friends. 😉
What else? Well, lots of things.
One thing is...
I've been reading this book called Vicious. It's book 1 of the Villains duology.
A few weeks ago, my family and I took Maxine (the dog we’re “fostering”) to a park in NJ that’s known for its supposed “Martian Landing Site” according to a radio broadcast from the 1930’s.
Hi. Wow, I’ve been rarely checking here. I post and then forget about it. I read and publish comments, and then I forget about replying to them. I’m so forgetful.
Anyway. I’m home now.
On Thanksgiving, my family and I got a foster dog. I mean, we’re fostering her.
The dog’s name is Maxine. She’s a 4 year old puppy dog. She’s adorable and sweet. She’s very friendly and playful and energetic.
Hi. I spent the last few hours drawing a picture of Fierdan from that I dream I mentioned in the previous post. I started and finished a drawing, with coloring and a background, all in one day.
Wow, look at me go. I impressed myself. :D
I had the urge to draw Fierdan in the specific outfit I had in mind. I just had to.
heh heh heh heheheheheheheh ;)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yes. I imagined him wearing...:
Fishnet leggings. Short black shorts (what are they called, booty shorts? lol). I don't completely remember what he wore for his top, so I improvised 😏. I forgot if he wore a nearly see through T-shirt or crop top.. or a fishnet shirt. I decided to draw a fishnet shirt for him. What else? Oh yeah.. That. 😏
I have a thing again for imagining Fierdan wearing lingerie. I think he was wearing lingerie in my dream, but I forgot what it looked like. So I drew this lingerie top for him. At first, I tried drawing lace, but I quickly gave up on that, so now he's wearing... red straps? red leather straps? Do I know the words of things? Of course not.
I also added a black spiked choker around his neck, and a red wristband that says "F*CK" around his right wrist. Why? Because.. it's a look.
The outfit I gave Fierdan is a whole look.
😏😈😳😈😏😳 ehehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also imagined him singing on a concert stage with light purple stage lights.
And since he's Fierdan, I felt like adding small orange and black flames around him. Fierdan showing his fire while performing at a concert... come on, he would totally do that. Well, when he doesn't have to hide from the general public for having pyrokinesis.
Plus, Fierdan was very seductive in that dream I had. In what he was singing and what he was wearing.
Fierdan out here trying to be sexy. 😳 Sexy Fierdan. 😏
Fire is hot. Flames,,,,, sexy. 🔥🔥
~ idk what else to say, so... have this unnecessary blank space ~
Hi. I have the urge to write a post about a dream I had this morning.
Damn, ok, brain. 😳
*pauses to laugh and collect my thoughts*
As you can tell from the title, I had a dream about Fierdan. I didn't have a dream about him in a while. I didn't expect myself to have in my dreams when I was getting my 5 to 6 hours of sleep I get on Monday mornings.
The dream was so unexpected. I'm... idk what to even say. XD
Uh...
I swear, too many of my posts make it look like I'm thirsting for him and no No NO. f uck_
Umm...
aNYWAY—
(I was busy attending 2 of my 3 Monday classes, so now I have time to write a stupid blog post. I have a longer break before my last class.)
hhhhhfhhffghfhfhfhfghhfhfhfierdamn
(I'm not going to include the link to the design maker in this post since I already put the link in other posts.)
The Dream >;D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Omg why do I have the urge to post this?? lmao)
I haven't listened to this song in a while, but it kept playing in my dream. Having the dream made me want to listen to the song, so I'm doing that. *plays song on repeat*
(idk how to write. sorry. i am trying.)
lmao ok so uhhhhh—
In my dream, Fierdan kept on calling himself both "Fierdan" and "Daniel". Even in the same sentence. I (Dream me?) thought it was odd but also satisfying how he used both names for himself.
And the people listening and watching him got confused because they were like "What do we call him? Fierdan or Daniel? I don't know! Ahh!"
It was pretty funny. I know I'm making no sense. XD
Yes, take control of your name! 🔥🔥
I know that Fierdan is my creation and all that, but it's such a pleasant surprise hearing his voice in my dreams. Hearing him call himself "Daniel" with confidence. Gosh, that makes me emotional.
I already made posts explaining his feelings on his birth name (which is Daniel). He has such a hatred, like a repulsion, of being referred to as Daniel. He disconnects himself from Daniel and becomes Danny and Fierdan.
However. Years later (probably when he's in his mid-to-late 20's; to put it in perspective, Fierdan in stories 1 and 2 is either 22 or 23), he becomes far less of a.. well.. self-destructive impulsive man full of intense anger. He eventually reclaims Daniel again. And then, he refers to himself as Daniel in addition to Danny and Fierdan (depending on who he's around: Fierdan is like an edgy "fear me" nickname, and Danny and Daniel are names used for people he's closer/more comfortable with (basically all of my other protagonists)).
Adding to that, there are lots of characters outside of the main characters I have talked about. They're all very close since they work together and are a team and all that. (I'm not proofreading this. lmao). Among them (Stella, Jack, Dawn, Ryen, Dylan, Elias), Fierdan can be more "himself" than around the people outside of the group.
"Fierdan" is like a mask, a persona. It's not the "real" him. (I just call him Fierdan most often since that's easier.)
Not having only bad memories tied to hearing "Daniel".. being able to reclaim the name for himself.. saying it with confidence..... the growth. Z not tainting his name anymore. Healing from his trauma which started from Z. It makes me emotional. Fire man df 🔥🖤
(Z (Fierdan's father) made Fierdan hate his birth name. Z tainted "Daniel" and made him disconnect himself from the name. Only years later (probably after years of psychotherapy), does Z finally have less power over him. Like yes ok, Fierdan killed Z, but Z still controlled Fierdan a ton. So when he finally is like "No, fuck that. Daniel is my name. It's mine." ... it's so satisfying. Fuck you, Z.)
(omg this is so off-topic from what i intended on writing about)
Know what's satisfying? Fierdan and Jack taking off their "masks" and revealing their "real" names. No clever nicknames. No more personas. Just their authentic selves. ("Fierdan" is a nickname; "Jack" is a nickname.)
Ahem. Anyway, back to my dream. (lmao)
So in my dream, Fierdan referred to himself as both "Fierdan" and "Daniel" which confused people watching and listening to him. And why were people doing that? Well, you see...
Fierdan was a singer, performing at a concert in my dream. I forgot the context for why he called himself by his names. He referred to himself in first-person too. I forgot the details.
"Hey, it's Fierdan." "Hey, it's Daniel." ... idk what he said. Ugh, damn it. He also sounded like he was flirting. (??? idk what i'm even typing)
He looked pretty similar to this picture:
the hair,, the mouth,, what he's doing with his hands,,
He just had those vibes in my dream. XD
He was such a huge flirt in my dream too. I did not expect that.
And his singing was different from other dreams I had of him singing. The mood was completely different. There weren't depressing songs this time. In this dream, his songs were just.. well.. they were way more sexual than violent.
Damn, ok, Fierdan. Go off. 😳
my mind: hhhhhfffhfgfhfgfhfgfhfghgfhfhfhhffh (gibberish)
😳😈😳😈😳😈
I forgot what he exactly sang. I only remember him singing a cover of this song. Yes, Fierdan singing a cover of it would mean it's a cover of a cover.
I wasn't even thinking of this song. I don't know why I dreamed of Fierdan singing it.
Fierdan's singing voice. Damn. 🔥🔥(his voice is fire ;D ok heheheh)
Me: dreams of Fierdan singing a cover of this song at his concert because he's apparently also a famous singer now (??)
The song:
MONSTER - Aruvn (cover of the vocaloid song by KIRA that GUMI sings)
*laughs at myself and my hell brain*
Fierdan was very seductive at his concert too. And I.. I have no explanation for that.
I swear, I do not control him. I mean, yeah, he's my character, but I do not control all of his actions. He's just doing his own thing. XD
Oh yeah. Instead of singing the line that goes "Ah, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and messed everything up." Fierdan, being extra, had to say "fuck" in everything he sang. So he sang it as "Ah *says it like a seductive sigh*, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and fucked everything up." and him singing it like that.. god fucking damn it. Why am I falling for a voice I can only hear in my dreams? What the heck, brain? Ahhhhhh—
I want to hear it as "fucked up" now. Damn. I wish I could listen to Fierdan's version of the song again. It was such a good cover.
I love Fierdan's (and Duke's) singing voice(s). hhhhhhhh
I also realized that Fierdan started the song by saying "Let me introduce myself" in a lower octave and slower than in the actual song (the video ^). His voice: sounding like he's threatening and flirting with people listening to him at the same time. The second time he said that line he somehow said it more seductively than the first time.
And it was obvious that him saying the "Did ya?" and "Baby" parts at the beginning of the song sounded like him flirting. Like, boy, who are you flirting with? Your fans in general?
hhhhhfhhfhffhhfhfffgffhffhfhfhfhfh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must go. I have to get ready for class.
(I'm not proofreading this post. If only I find this post able to be comprehended, then so be it! I'm crazy!)
I've been feeling very tired all day. My head feels weird.
[???????????]
I'm so bored and lonely. :-(
The brain fog is intense today.
I slept enough hours. I drank water. I drank green tea. I walked outside.
What's your deal, body? That's not cool. :/
Anyway. Uh.
I finally go home on Wednesday. For Thanksgiving. The semester isn't over yet.
I miss my cats so much. This semester has been feeling unbearable.
Wait. Actually.
The only bearable thing was how I had "game night" usually every week with a new group of friends I made on campus. They're cool people. Nice indeed. It was fun playing games with them. :)
Anyway...~
Every day, my brain malfunctions and I go on that Picrew website. Yes, I "cope" (technically not coping but whatever) by making Picrew designs of myself and my characters.
