cat in a box

Titled because I'm watching my cat who is sitting in a box. Thelma.

I'm still not used to there not being a bright orange number telling me how many comments I have to read before publishing them. The orange words aren't the first thing I see when I'm signed into my Blogger Dash. It makes me less anxious. Uh.. ok.

I went to bed (bed, not sleep) around two hours later than I usually try to do on school nights. When I do that, I tend to be okay during school hours and then collapse in exhaustion after school. However, today, I did not collapse in exhaustion causing me to take a 2-4 hour afternoon nap and wake up not knowing what time and day it is. Nice, I feel proud of myself.

And I didn't take any ibuprofen (that Advil stuff but not that brand) today either. I'm not as in much pain today. Wow, great nice news.

What's not great is what happened in Ohio State.

School didn't cause me to nearly have a panic attack like it did last week. Yay.

School didn't kill me today either. Tomorrow is another story. A lot more work to do tomorrow. And then on Wednesday and Thursday. Ew tests. Half days on a few days though. Alrighty.

So I don't feel like death and dying as much as I had a few days ago. Wow nice.. cries. I still get angry and sad very easily though. Same with that other.. stuff. So, y'know, meh.

I felt relieved letting out the stuff I put in my Saturday and Sunday posts. But then I woke up today and felt like I was overexaggerating again. Smh drama queen Cutepups smh. Always full of invalidation to myself and sometimes those around me. Ah, feeding off that invalidation. Ah, suffering.

Eh, I don't think it's that normal to become completely hopeless in the future that I think about dying just because I caused myself to have a bad grade. At least I think that's not normal? I'm guessing.

Not like I would actually ever act on my irrational thoughts. It takes me great time and effort to do that. Well, except for blogging on the internet. I procrastinate on everything else and leave it to the last minute.

So I won't ever actually try and die. I'll just think about that a lot sometimes.

*winks and finger guns at you*

I'm a wreck.

I feel my own invalidation coming back. Oh darn no.

Anyway, it's Cyber Monday. My parents are struggling. rip

Well, that means it's almost December. Which means winter. Which means winter break. Which means one reason for me to live- the cruise where I'll be away from the hell of the internet and of the state of America. Yes finally.

What I'm trying to say is I'll change the theme to a winter one soon. Some time vaguely in the future.

Oh, before I forget. In school, I sometimes get tons of creative ideas that I completely forget and lose interest in when I come home. Here, let me talk about the one I had today.

It was about Twinkle's Story.

... wait I have a lot of them actually. If you haven't read Chapters 52 and 53, you'll be confused.

~life is one big heck~

So one of them was that while Calliah and Duke were in the car, Calliah ends up killing him. While she is driving.

I also had one where they were in the same place, but Duke ends up killing her.

Then I was like. Nah, let's not go there.

I also had one where Dawn cut off all her long hair with a jagged rock. Just a rock. Cutting hair. What a fancy rock that must be.

I also had one where Dawn had a long-lost sister named Dusk. Then I was like. Ew gross idea.

These are making me laugh, what the heck.

There was also one where I randomly thought of Duke speaking and yelling in Spanish. For the entire story. Every other character spoke English.

Oh and then there was one where Duke felt the will to live and changed his mind about Fierdan's plan. This left him outraged. And Duke is all like, screw you Fierdan. And Fierdan gets offended and cries.

And for today's one. I thought of Calliah, somehow knowing about the Duke and Fierdan death plan, telling Duke there's another way to get rid of Soulless. Not that suicide one. Suicide is never the answer. So then Calliah tells Duke to just get heart surgery and a blood transfusion. And he asks her from who. Which she replies with herself. Calliah then tells Duke that she is a highly trained surgeon. Which then makes Duke all the more suspicious. He then reminds her that if she's giving him her heart and blood, she can't do the surgery. In the end, they are panicking.

I kinda like that idea. Still pretty crazy though.

Because, well, Soulless is in Duke's heart. I don't know why it just is. And if that part of the heart is removed, Soulless would disappear somehow. Duke also has tainted blood because of that. I don't know much please don't ask questions I'm dumb.

Shh, there's a reason behind why Calliah is suddenly nice to Duke. Shh, shh. She'll tell him why soon enough.

When will I type a new chapter? Who knows. I don't have as much time as I used to for me just to spend hours typing up non-educational stuff. Growing up sucks.

I'm hoping that school won't kill me tomorrow.

I guess that's it. Take care of yourselves, alright?

ahh keeping it real

Um. Hi. Don't know what to title my posts anymore. Keeping it real here. Real personal. Mm fun.

So. First off, it's Sunday night. Very tragic. School is tomorrow. Unfortunate.

About school, I feel very.. bad about it. Very bad. No, that's not good. It's bad.

Every time I slept this weekend (well, at home in my bed, not in the car since I sleep in cars a lot nowadays) I would get these variations of these nightmares about school. Dreams reveal your subconscious thoughts, huh? Guess mine are about school and guilt. Guess I'm not lying after all, haha kill me.

They're about classes. And teachers. And classwork. All those serious school things.

It felt good waking up from these dreams, I can tell you that.

I had this project due last class. And I still didn't finish it and turn it in. Did it again. I'm so frustrated at myself. I know not doing projects make my grades drop, but I just can't make myself complete them all the way.

It's like. What's the point in doing it if you know your project isn't going to be perfect? Everyone's better than you anyway, Cutepups.

At this point, I don't even know if it's just laziness. It's like I'm just getting worse and worse. Heck help the heck up (me).

Concentration is much harder to do than before. It can take me hours to finish the simplest homework assignment. I hate myself, man, why am I like this.

Also. Moodswings. Those are ridiculous. Ok, ridiculous. Can't stand this. Is it teenage hormones or is my mental health actually getting worse? Or is it both? Who knows.

It's pretty scary. Even more so when no one says anything. Like one minute I could be happy and laughing, and the next I could be on the verge of crying sadly. Or I could be energetic (by that I mean walking around) and then too tired to even stay awake.

Just, like, why. Why is my mental stability so fragile? Why am I so weak? Ugh, I hate this.

Is what I'm saying relatable? Tell me if you want.

Anyway, I'm so annoyed at my mom sometimes. Like ok, I could be laughing at a video I'm watching on my phone in the same room as her. Or I could just be in the next room over. And she just looks at me strangely and asks, "Are you okay?" and it's just. So awkward.

Am I okay? I don't know. I'm here. I'm alive. What else do you want from me?

Eh, at least that's being protective. Eh, I guess? Eh, I don't know. Eh.

And yet she repeatedly dismisses  (social) anxiety and avoidance for shyness. That bugs me. Like ok. I understand when I'm being shy, but I also understand when I'm being anxious. There is a line between the two.

We were talking about this girl in a book with an anxiety disorder. And she tells me something like, "That girl reminds me of you. You're shy too. Open up more, S_______, go hang out with friends."

Why say that though.

Haha, I'm ranting again. Briefly.

*is undecided on what to do with my hands- finger guns or thumbs up or peace sign- what am I doing*

Back over the summer, I went to the doctor's. Blahblahblah check-up things. Filled out this mental health form. I wasn't feeling bad then, so my responses might have been affected by that. So anyway, the doctor looks over the form. Says I probably have depression. Kinda valid, kinda not. Kinda both. Got told to get Kombucha and vitamins (especially B). Yeah, did that. But, ok this is making me paranoid. I don't know if what I heard was made up, or if my mom just never paid attention to what she said. So like. I don't know. So the doctor says for me to go back before school starts for there to be more time to talk about depression. To be sure. To start treatment in ways such as therapy or medication. Yeah, here's the thing. That never happened. Never did any of that second meeting to talk strictly about depression and myself. Like, was I just making things up? My mom (she brought me to the doctor's) never brought up that conversation with me ever again. Did it just fly right past her? I don't know. Life could be so different. But no. Same place. And then a few weeks later, my dad basically goes and threatens me that how I'm living my life is making me purposefully cause myself to have depression. Gee thanks. Does that doctor conversation ever come up? Nope. Ok, ok. I guess this is partially my fault. But still.

Yeah.. heh.

I thought I was fine on my own for so long. But then that totally shattered. And then realizing all those symptoms. For the depressed, for the suicidal. And it's like. Wow, they're more relatable than I thought. Geez man. I've been looking at a lot of mental health websites and videos this weekend. Makes me wonder if I actually started to show symptoms two or more years ago. Not as many as now though. Awareness, huh. Oh boy.

Ok, well then. On a more happier subject matter, I made my hair become natural again. I like this so much. It's way shorter now. Haha, curls. Yeah. It feels pretty nice.

Taking a shower is so therapeutic. Makes me feel so much better. Such a good feeling. Makes me less sick and achey. So nice.

Haha, I like playing with my hair so sometimes I kinda look like a boy. I find that fun. Heh heck. It's easier to do now.

I'll end this post now. Bye, hope school doesn't make me want to die.

That's unrealistic.

Oops.

well here's something

Might go off and discuss sensitive topics. Or maybe in a different post. Who knows. I'm in a rush again.

- - - -

Ah. Hi guys. I didn't post for a few days even though I didn't have school.

Well. Here's a post. Sure, why not.

Thanksgiving passed; Black Friday passed. Hope you guys had good ones. Hope you're alright.

Despite everything, mine was pretty good. Having good times with my family. We're all together. It was good.

My siblings are leaving today or tomorrow though. Eh, nothing lasts forever. Am I right.

However. One reason out of I don't know how many why I didn't post is because I feel uncomfortable looking over older posts I made this week. Not necessarily the chapters, but the posts following that.

Yeah, er, sorry about that.

I'm thinking of quitting this blog some time in 2017 if not earlier. It's about time I moved on, right.

Haha, I totally understand now when I hear people looking over their past selves as being like a totally different person. It's so true though. It's so weird reading my old posts where I kept on using cringe words and emoticons (anyone remember swag/sweg, yas, XD, X3, >:U, :V, O.O, etc.). Geez, that was embarrassing, huh. Guess that means I've matured at least a little bit.

And yeah. Maybe I am growing out of Twinkle's Story. It's been nearly 3 years since I first started it. Of course I changed my ways from when I was 13. Years pass by; things change. That's how life is.

So. That's that.

Moving on, I'm sorry for my behavior these past few days. Er, the comments, huh.

Life is good. It really is. But at the same time (*cough* school and teeth stuff *cough*) it really isn't.

I really had it this time.

I really got myself trapped this time.

I'm drowning myself in guilt. I'm so guilty. I've done bad things. Many, many times.

I can't just let it go or forget about it like it's nothing. It's a very big something. Something big like my entire future. That's pretty big, huh.

I'm agitated. I'm irritable. I've been having on-and-off high anxiety for these past few days. My body randomly aches.

I can't just lie and say it isn't my fault. It is my fault. It's 100% without a doubt my fault. I'm covered in self-hatred and self-blame.

I purposefully made good people lose their trust on me. I keep on letting people down.

I can't live like this. I don't deserve to live if I keep on ruining my future as every second goes by.

I don't even have any plans for the future. At my age, that's not good. I'm supposed to have a plan for at least something. But I don't have anything.

Being surrounded by all my peers who know what they want to do in the future, terrifies me every day. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for anything anymore. I'm sorry that no matter how hard I try I can not picture myself living life as an adult. Seeing these people my age everywhere I go irl makes me think they're automatically more successful than I'll ever be. Makes me think I'm a failure even more.

Not like I can escape it though. It's everywhere.

That's not all though. This year, my peers are talking about school things way more than ever before. More than other things. It's like school is the main thing this year.

It makes me so anxious. It's hard.

They also go and cry over getting a B grade. And I just want to flip out whenever I hear people say how much of a failure they are. Gee, thanks glad to know I'm worse than a failure.

My friend was panicking to me about how she got a 60 something on a test. I kept on telling her that I got a worse grade, but she refused to believe me. Until I told her my grade and class grade. And then it's like. Oh, so you really did worse than me? Like no freaking duh. I'm the worst. Everyone is better than me. Dont tell me no. I know who I am.

I'm making my grades be very poor. I made myself get so close to a fail class grade. I have As and Bs, sure. But I also have Cs and Ds. It's so frustrating hearing these girls freak out if they have an 89 in a class instead of all straight As.

Yeah, I know what you'll say. I should be in their shoes. Maybe they're all perfectionists who want to get in very good schools after high school. Yeah, I get that. Sorry it doesn't really help make me feel better about myself.

Haha, I'm so self-centered. It's disgusting.

And because of all this, well, I'm very hopeless now. It's not alright, I'm not alright, life isn't alright.

My family is treating me so good. I feel so guilty about it. I don't deserve love and things. I deserve hate. Hate me, hit me, do anything. I really screwed up this time. I screwed up at least 3 things in one day this week. Three things. I'm a bad person. I'm not good. Me being a good person sounds so fake.

And at the same time, I can't go and confess my troubles to my family. That'll just make things worse.

I keep on ruining relationships with good people who don't deserve that.

Honestly though. What's the point? I'm losing it. I really don't want to go back to school.

This is so ironic. My life is good. I have things to look forward to (and by that I mean the cruise, after that there's nothing lol). But at the same time, it's not. Because I'm ruining my life now and in the future. I can't stand growing up. I can't stand school. I can't stand being forced to think about my future nearly every single day.

These three things are probably not even that important. And yet they make me feel like I should just die already. Like I don't deserve to live. I really can't handle it.

Positive things are outweighing negative ones. Why the hell do I find that me being still alive is so stressful?

I don't even know anymore.

Sorry I feel so hostile in replies now. I'm happy but at the same time I'm far from it. I don't understand my own feelings. Moodswings at least every few hours from "life is great! :D" to "time to think about death in those ways again! ;-;". Hormones are ridiculous, huh.

I'm trapped. I want to be free again and know how I'll turn out.

Most people would rather not know about when/where/how they'll die. But it leaves me so anxious not knowing. I want to know so badly. It's killing me.

Oh and I stumbled across this IS/PATH/WARM video. I mean you can look it up if you want. Nothing happy about that. Very bad indeed. And, oh shoot, I relate to the majority of those things. Not all though. Most. More than 1 I don't relate to. Uh, good then? Pfft.

I sometimes think that this blog will be the death of me. Ending at the same time. Haha, that's bad. Irrational thoughts are bad. I am bad, please don't be like me.

Nah, it's okay though. It's just because of school and the future and how inevitable both are.

There's always something to live for. Tons and tons of things.

I'm lucky compared to so many others. I'm only being selfish and gross, right.

High stress. Moderately increasing anxiety and depression. Oops.

Kombucha doesn't solve everything.

Haha, this playlist though. I feel attached to song lyrics way too easily.

Well. That's that. Letting things out is kinda good.

I love making myself suffer, huh.

Bye. <3

uhm

Hi. I'm very tired. But yeah. Hi.

The Blogger Dashboard looks so different now. It's like everything moved, but at the same time nothing moved. I actually have to go in and check "comments" to see if I have any new comments. Instead of it being on the front page of the Dashboard. An extra step. Wow, more work is stressful.

I was just talking about Blogger yesterday, and this happens. Wow, what are the odds.

Anyway. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. No school tomorrow or Friday. Phew. School is currently like one big old heck. Bad. I'm bad in school. I suck. Kill me lol.

Because of family member reasons, I have to have that big meal of the holiday so early in the day. So early. Wow.

Whelp, my siblings are home now. Last night wasn't as bad as the rest of the day before. This afternoon was pretty alright too.

Morning, however, totally sucked. Ha, ha.

Oh and apparently I am good at something. I apparently have very good reflexes.

Well, according to my sister.

I was her patient today.

Heck, me being confusing.

Mm.

I'm regretting those new chapters now. Wow ok, I still hate and feel awful about my writing.

Why did I word it like that? Ugh..

I'm feeling extremely guilty and like I deserve pain (haa) again. Bad.

Perhaps it wasn't the wisest idea to go back.

Why am I still like this? Ugh..

I'm not better and a rational thinker. Not anymore at least.

Frick.

ohh heckk mann

Hi, hi. Sorry in advance for any possible typos/grammatical errors in this post. I've been shaking a lot recently today. I'm also in a rush and can't afford the time to post later tonight. So yeah. Sorry about that.

So, um, just got informed that it's possible for me to change my blog name and URL without switching blogs and making a new Blogger account (because if I were to switch to a new main blog, I would want a new Blogger account; this account is so disorganized as it is). So, upon reading about that, I just got exhilarated. Like, oh man, even more shakiness here. I didn't know I could change the blog name. Apparently I can. I want to change the name for so long. And I can. Wowie wow wow that's great! 

Now nobody can be misinformed about my blog because of my URL. Yes yes good very good. 

I'll go to doing it later. Not now. I procrastinate on literally everything in my life. Everything. Every single thing. It's bad. I'm horrible. The worst. 

Anyway. I've been on the verge of having a panic attack nearly all day today. I've vented/ranted to an irl friend. So I'm not as upset now. I still am though. Just not as much. Yeah idk what I'm saying. I've cried today though, oops. And feeling shaky. I feel sick right now. Whelp, not doing so good. 

I deserved the suffering and pain I got today. I inflicted all of it on myself. It's my fault. Can't forgive myself, can't forgive others. 

Whoops, throw that bright happy sunshine positivity in the garbage disposal. Because that's all gone now. All because of me. 

I never learn. Made too many mistakes. Far too many.

Can't make it right. It's too late. It's way past too late. 

I'm falling behind in school and the rest of my life. Ha, ha. 

And I feel so defensive about it. I'm trying to be chill about it. I know it's stupid. I know.. like what the heck why she do that. Why, Cutepups, why. Just. Why. Stop. Die already. You know, that feel. 

It was a thing (not really though let's be real here) where it was a joke. Them two. Boys. What a joke oh boy please kill me. Like no. Noo. Heck. More like protectiveness stuff. I don't freaking know. What the heck.

Also, forgot to add. I think the additional words before the chapters was stupid and pointless. So that's why I didn't add any of that in for these two new chapters. 

The different color names is also pretty stupid. Pretty eye-straining for me too. So now all their names are black. Like their souls/hearts/whatever. They're all so edgy what the hell is this story lmao.

Such a sad miserable joke this story crap is. Heck, just like my life. 

Oh yeah. I totally forgot about Bob the Blobfish when typing up that skit. Now I feel so sad about it. How could Duke forget about his times with good old Bob the Blobfish? What the heck, I'm so ashamed I forgot about him. 

Remember when I kept on saying I'm doing good and like school this year? Whelp, that's over now. Oops, I'm a failure. The worst. Screw up. 

Today was just so bad. Bad. It was bad. 

I also typed this sad poem about myself. Lol please hate it with me. Let's all hate myself together. I deserve it.

. 

In the dark 
For so long
Trapped in your own misery 

You finally tried to 
Reach up and out of the dark
You were trying for so long 
You were almost there 
You were so close 
To being happy again 
To thinking how depressed you were earlier
Had finally gone away 
That you were okay and cool again
After all those years 
You were so close 

Then one thing happens
It's only the start of it all
Like dominoes one thing happens 
Which leads to another 
And another and another 
Again and again and again 
Soon enough you're trapped 
Underneath it all

You were reaching for the light 
It was within your grasp
But you screwed up
Screwed everything up
So now because of you 
You have fallen back into 
Your own dark pit of misery 

Progress
Positivity 
All far out of reach
Because you let it go 
Thanks a lot to you
To me 

.

I can't write lmao. 

Question of the Day: How do you forget? 

Like in general. How do you forget all the bad things in your life? Because of yourself and yourself only. I've always had this problem. Time doesn't really work that well. Just leaves old wounds, older suffering. 

And don't say alcohol or drugs either. That's bad, man. I'm a minor. Child. Crybaby. 

Heck, that reminded me. I always make Duke cry. And he's a guy character. Finny cried too. He's a guy character too. 

Oh man, I unintentionally am destroying the masculine gender role that guys can't cry. The heck man, please give me an award of one "screw you Cutepups just stop already please stop omg". Please and thank you, my good man. 

Bye, bye.

~ Cutepups (what the heck kind of name is that please stop omg) 

*finger guns to head and out of here*

*peace sign*

Spread peace and love this holiday season. Give me a reason to live and have a purpose because I don't know the answer to any of those questions.

:'D 

Duke's a crybaby

Danggggg Cutepups. Back at it again with writing Twinkle's Story chapters. Back at it again with making Duke cry and be an edgy problematic crybaby. Man, oh man, Cutepups is back at it again.

Anyway. Hi guys.

If you probably know by now, I typed up Chapters 52 and 53 this weekend. Before that, the last time I typed up a chapter was in January. It's been a while. 

Well, I thought I was gonna quit the story for good. However, I decided to change my mind and give it another shot.

I felt very physically and mentally unhealthy when thinking about Twinkle's Story for the majority of this year. However, by one or two months ago, I felt not as uncomfortable about the story as I was in the previous months. 

Especially, well, when I started turning chapters into exaggerated vents. And how the writing and plot was just a jumbled mess. And, well, especially turning chapters into just writing out depressing and suicidal thoughts. And how I was basing the characters from being that way on how I was myself. Bad, yeah, that was bad. But that's in the past. Now is the time for improvement. For the better. Yeah that.

And, honestly, I don't care as much. These (what- 10?) months I've been away from thinking about the story made me slowly distance myself from it. It doesn't mean as much to me as it once had. I know the past chapters (and probably 52 and 53 too of course) are, honestly, very badly written. It's all crap. I know. I recently started laughing about it instead of being all so hurt about it. It's funny because it's so stupid. I know it is. Anyway. Now I would like hearing your critiques. My mind still isn't "all better happy thoughts" now, but now I've grown up from a year ago and will try my best not to interpret all criticizing (constructive criticism) comments as a personal attack that the commenter hates me. I want to know how to improve my writing. Heck, I've had a mental breakdown this last summer because I kept on getting yelled at by my dad about my writing and improvement. So, uh, I want to. Get better. You know. Progress. Thinking about college now too. Thinking about writing and art. Maybe. Not too sure yet. Clearest option I know so far. So if I actually want to pursue going in that direction, I've gotta write more so I can improve. 

Sorry guys, I bet this post is looking like a huge mess. I'm so tired right now. Gonna have a long day tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. No, I'm really not. I don't want to do responsible life things tomorrow. I would much rather prefer staying in bed all day. Instead of living life. I don't want to do those things. But I have to. Ugh. 

Oh and by the way. Chapters 52 and 53 are totally different than what I originally (so like a year ago) expected them to be about. I think it's more creative this way. Less obvious stuff. For example, I was going to make Chapter 52 be all about how Dawn comforts Duke after his breakdown. But I decided to change that by making Chapter 52 be a few days after the events from Chapter 51. So instead of me making a chapter being another filler, I decided to just skip the unnecessary stuff and go right into the action. 

So yeah. Not much is known about those days between Chapters 51 and 52. Mysterious. 

I made Duke and Twinkle change a lot though. Like with Twinkle being all caught up in her little world and always forgiving Duke. And now I can only cringe at seeing how her character is. So I was decided to make these two new chapters be about her learning not to be a blind follower and agree to still be in love with Duke after everything that happened in a few chapters before. Because that's not right. There still being romance with them after that is just plain stupidity. So, in other words, I finally made Twinkle have more common sense. Wow, that's so much character development. Haha, yeah I wish.

Also Duke's breakdown ended up with him being more homicidal and (conflicted) suicidal than ever. So that was with him in Chapter 52. 

I know it's probably very confusing, so let me clarify. Fierdan wants Duke to die. Soulless wants Duke to live. Soulless doesn't necessarily care about Duke's wellbeing, they just want him to stay alive because they use Duke as their own puppet. Oh and Soulless basically is only alive because of Duke being alive, and Soulless lives inside Duke. Duke himself wants to die because of his conflicted brain already and because he knows that Soulless is the cause of making Fierdan be known for being evil and he also knows that Soulless hurts him. 

This probably is worded terribly. I'm not checking what I'm typing. I'm typing fast. It's almost midnight. I should sleep. 

Oh, one more thing. 

I drew these dancing boys yesterday. 

How lovely. 

Aw, they look cute. 

Oh yeah. Anyone realize how I made Fierdan say "I love you" in his message to Duke? Eh, eh? 

Dangggg Fierdan. 

Heck.

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 53

DUKE

It's been another two days. Another two tally marks on the wall. 

I feel better today. I'm okay. I can go. I don't care what she says, I'm fine. I can go one day without breaking down, right?

For the first time since I came here, I get fully dressed. Made myself look more presentable. I felt like it would be better if I put on the red clothes instead of the black ones.

Dawn told me to put on these sunglasses when I leave this place. I forgot why, but I guess it's a way to mask my identity. It's not very effective though. 

In all honesty, I never really understood why the public suddenly started treating me like a most wanted criminal. It was like one day I was living my life like a regular citizen, and the next day that life was thrown away. 

I wish I was a regular citizen. I would do anything to go back to the days when I was back in school. I still find it hard to believe how much my life has changed from less than a year ago. 

But I can't go back. I can never go back to the old life I had. Everyone either is terrified of me, wants to lock me up, or wants to kill me. At least it sure feels that way. Except for two people- Dawn and Twinkle. I still have my doubts about them. Especially now. I've hurt both of them now. 

I take a deep breath and exit the place. The bright sunshine instantly hits my face. Where to now? I look in all directions. Just a barren landscape. 

I make the decision to walk north. Five minutes later, I look back. The one-roomed shack I stayed in is out of my field of vision. 

Maybe that's why Dawn decided to take me there. She practically lives around here on fox territory's coast at the edge of Jamaa. Other people wouldn't suspect to go this far out to try and find me. They, like myself, aren't from here. 

I turn back around and throw my head back so my face is looking directly up at the sky. Light blue, few white clouds scattered around the sky, a flock of birds flying in perfect formation across the sky. Through everything that happened, nature is still there. Nature is still beautiful. 

Part of me wants to shoot out my fiery wings and fly up to the birds above. I decide not to. What if I'm not better? What if instead of orange, black flames appear again? I don't want to risk that happening, so I continue walking instead. 

Something black is up ahead. Excited to see this color, I run towards it. 

It ends up being an old road. I hesitate before walking on. Every few steps or so, I look back up at the sky watching the flock of birds fly in the same direction I'm going. As I walk along the edge of the road, I smile. 

I haven't felt this good in such a long time. It's so peaceful and quiet, these are only my thoughts, life is beautiful.

I stop at the intersection. I watch this car bump up into my sight. It's driving pretty unsteady, but I only assume that's because of the road. Eyes transfixed to the car, I watch it come closer and closer to me.

I should have ran away from that car. 

The car drives off the road and is speeding right at me. 

I should have moved.

Seconds before the car's front bumper could come in contact with me, it stops.  

Out come two male foxes in navy blue suits. 

Before I can distinguish what they're going to do, someone else in the back seat of the car comes out. That person runs up behind the two guys in navy blue. 

In a matter of seconds, the two in navy blue are lying painfully on the ground. A kick in the back, a punch to the back of the head, they fall to the ground. Immediately, I see a taser. They get tased multiple times. Satisfied in seeing them incapacitated, the person walks toward me. 

The person is a female. Her hair flows behind her. Then we make eye contact. I push the sunglasses closer to my face. I freeze.

Those gray eyes. That face. It's her. Of all people, it has to be her.

"Duke, get in the car," she says. 

I don't take any steps. I can't move. 

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm helpless. I'm done for. I'm better off dead. 

I don't even turn away from her. I only look at her with wide eyes. I feel tears well up in my eyes. My eyes are overflowing with tears.

"Duke, get in the car!" she repeats, louder this time. 

I wonder if she can see my red eyes behind my sunglasses. 

What is this feeling? Sadness, anger, fear? 

I take off the sunglasses. One paw holds them, and the other is down at my side in a fist. Tears continue rushing down my face. My eyes sting. My nose is running. My throat feels clogged up. 

It hurts. It freaking hurts like hell. 

A minute passes. I'm wasting time. 

I look her in the eye, and I tremble as I hear my voice. Just like a small child. Who only knows one thing. Fear.

More tears wet the sides of my face. "M-mom..." 

Mom. 

I never thought I would see her again. I promised myself that I would die before I saw her again. 

I should have died.

Don't make Fierdan make decisions for you. You're different than him. You don't have to die. You can be your own person. You don't have to die. Stay alive.

The voice flows through my head. Soulless.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. 

"I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die."

"Shut up!" I shriek. "Shut the hell up!" 

"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die."

"I don't want to die! I want to stay alive!" I scream. 

My body hurts so much. Everything hurts. 

My mother looks at me and smiles. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise. Now just get in the car. Everything will be okay."

I end up getting in the passenger seat of the car. She goes in the driver's seat and starts up the car engine. I don't know if it's because my vision's blurry that that's why I see the two guys in navy blue awkwardly get up. 

My mother drives in reverse and then shifts gears back to forward driving. One paw on the steering wheel, one paw holding a weapon. It looks similar to the one Fauna used on me. Except this one is dark gray in color. 

She looks over her shoulder behind the car as she continues speeding down the lonely road. Aiming the gun back in the direction where the two in navy blue are running toward us, she starts firing. Out the car window, the bullets start flying. 

I don't know if any of them got hit. 

The car turns a corner. 

Doesn't stop driving. 

I stay with her.

Later on, I found out she just saved me.

The two guys in the navy blue suits were planning on kidnapping me and bringing me to a place for them to torture me until my entire body is mutilated. 

They brought Calliah, my mother, along with them because they knew she would abuse me when we lived together. 

They thought she would be on their side and would also take part in torturing me.

They were wrong.

Fierdan and Soulless made her hate me. Now Fierdan's finally fighting against Soulless. He isn't trapped by Soulless's abuse anymore. 

My mother isn't having her mind be manipulated by Soulless making her hate every ounce of my being. 

She is here for me. 

She loves me.

That doesn't mean I forgive her for what she did to me in the past.

She tells me they were planning on torturing me in the basement of the Tall Tower.

I laugh and cry as I hear that. The Tall Tower, huh? They planned on breaking me in the basement in the same building where I also had the time of my life on the roof. 

The place where Twinkle and I fell in love. 

TWINKLE

The moment I leave the castle, it disappears. I stand still, looking all around me. I find it ridiculous that I don't know where I am.

Then Dawn runs toward me. She hugs me, which gives me a surprise. 

She's shaking and crying as she holds onto me.

"Twinkle, I'm so glad to see you again!" she gasps. "I missed you so much."

I look at her cautiously. I have every right to hate her. However, her current state tells me that I just can't hate her right now. Her long brown hair is tangled and has dirt in it. The dress she is wearing is torn to shreds at the bottom. Bruises and scratches are scattered throughout her body. On her arms, her legs, her neck. 

"Do you know where Duke is? I can't find him anywhere!" she says with a hint of panic in her voice.

I can be so cruel.

Giving her a cold look, I snarl, "Why should I be responsible for knowing about Duke's whereabouts? You should be the one who should know. He clearly is more interested in you, anyway. In all honesty, I couldn't care less about what happens to him and to you." 

Dawn steps back. "Oh, so you knew."

I scoff. "Of course I freaking knew. You can have him for all I care. I'm done playing games of romance with him."

"Sorry we hurt you, Twinkle."

I laugh. "Hurt? Hurt! I'm way past 'hurt' now, Dawn. I'm over it!" 

A moment of silence follows. Dawn breaks it by changing the topic. "You look different, Twinkle."

"So you noticed. I'm glad to know you have two functioning eyes." 

Dawn cries again. "Stop, please stop. Will you please help me look for Duke? You don't know what else happened between us when you were gone. It's crucial that we get to him first."

Wait, what? People are still after him? We're nowhere near that boardwalk. They can't possibly still be searching for him. It's been weeks!

I never knew Dawn could get so worried. Looking at her is starting to scare me.

I nod my head. She nods her head. Mutual agreement. 

We begin looking for Duke.

We look for hours.

We never found him.

Dawn whispers, "He did it. He must have."

I turn my head to look directly at her. "Did what?"

"Died."

I shake my head. "No, Dawn, he's not dead."

"Yeah and what do you know, Twinkle? You don't know him like I do. He desperately wants to die. He knows it will make the world a better place when he is dead," Dawn pauses and then says, "He tried to kill me. He just couldn't do it."

"Duke is not dead!" I shout back. "Stop saying he is!" 

As more time passes, I start questioning myself.

What if I'm wrong? What if he really is dead?

Even after everything that happened, that thought makes me feel as if there's a rock in my stomach. 

As night falls, we collapse onto the ground. 

We fall asleep on our backs holding each other's paw.

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 52

TAUREL

The big hand on the clock struck twelve. Time to go.

At the door, there is a male fox dressed up in a navy blue suit. Even though I told him to wear something more formal than what he would usually wear, I still let out a chuckle when I saw him. It was very different than his usual clothing attire of old shirts with torn off sleeves and pants with holes in them. Smiling, I nod at him. 

"I see you're ready to go," I say, "Did you remember to set up in the basement?" 

He nods his head vigorously. "Yes sir, yes sir. All the materials are set up ready for use." His eyes are shining. 

"Good, that's very good. I have the other room set up as well. I'll be staying in my room, and you can do your thing in yours. I don't want any part in the things that will be happening down there. I trust you in that I don't have to be your supervisor observing you like a child. Understood?" I say as I adjust the black tie around my neck. 

Again, he repeatedly nods his head. I smile at him and pat him on the back. Suddenly remembering something, I step back. 

Facing away from the door now, I sigh. "Risak, wait in the car. I'm gonna try one more time. Be back in a few." 

"Okay," he replies as I begin to run in the opposite direction of the door. 

CALLIAH

"Come on, it's time to go!" I hear a guy shouting outside the room and down the hallway.

Ignoring him, I turn back to focusing on a panic-stricken boy. Every few seconds I watch him wipe away his tears. His blond hair is ruffled and the majority of it covers his face. 

"I-I've been such a bad friend. I'm nothing better than a traitor."

He's a far better person than I've ever been. He's not the bad one. 

I put my paws on his shoulders. He rubs his eyes again and stares at me with his round blue eyes. 

"Listen here, Finny. You are not a bad person. Repeat it back to me."

Trembling, he stutters. "'I am not a bad per-per...'. No, sorry, I can't." 

"Why can't you?" 

"I'm allowing him to be tortured by them, darn it!" he says with frustration. He clenches his fists, claws digging into the palms. 

"Then why don't you do anything about it?" 

More tears rush down his face. "You know why! I'm a weak coward. They're too strong for me; I thought you knew that by now." 

"Look at me, Finny," I say as I steady my grip on his tense shoulders. "If you believe that what they're planning on doing is wrong, that already makes you an infinite number of times better than they'll ever be." 

"I can't believe I could be fooled so easily. How could I?" 

As I open my mouth about to speak, I hear that same guy shouting. Doors are being forced open and then immediately slammed shut. 

"Where the heck is that gosh darn vixen? Come out here right now or I swear I'll definitely make things more difficult for you!" I hear Taurel say while storming the hallway. 

And just like that, he reaches the door at the opposite end of the hallway. 

He pushes me away from Finny. A wicked grin grows on his thin ugly face as he drags me out of the room and into the hallway. What disturbs me the most is that he gave Finny a thumbs up before he shut the door. 

Leaning against the door with his paw tightly grabbing my wrist, he stares into my eyes. "What do you say, darling? Want to join us on our little adventure? I'm sure we will have a blast!" 

A blast, huh? 

Staring back at him, I only reply with a single word. No.

"What do you mean 'no'? You don't have a right to say no. I thought you knew that already since you gave birth to a son that you can't help but hate. I can only make the best of guesses that the father forced you to keep it."

It.

"Sad how society is. Males having to make decisions for females."

"Shut up, I'm not joining you two."

Taurel looks at me totally intrigued by my words. 

"I thought you hated him, Calliah, detested him with every ounce of your being. You are a bad person, darling. You are nothing more than a child abuser, so I do not understand why there would be any reason for you not to be on board with Risak and I."

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. 

My other paw, though my non-dominant one, is free of his grip. Before I can fully register what I'm doing, I slap my paw across his face. 

His paws go up to his face. With both of my paws free, I pull his shirt collar towards me. Our noses touch. 

Now it's my turn to smile. "I thought I said 'no'. Oh and I have a message you could send to your Risak friend."

I kick him between the legs for good measure. 

TWINKLE

"It's been days, Black Raven. I have to stop being so isolated from everything. I have to find them, yeah, that's what I'll do."

The strange black fox looks at me as if she's disgusted with my words. "You don't have to. Do you remember what you saw them do when you were gone?"

I mutter under my breath. "You're the one making me be gone away." 

"I've been keeping you here because it's for your protection, Twinkle. You're worth far more than the both of them."

I stomp my foot. "I don't care about worth, gosh darn it! I'm worried about them, I miss them, I..."

"But do they miss you?"

Angry at her, I say, "I don't know! I'm not a mind reader."

"I find myself so disgusted that you still want to go back to him even though he clearly cheated on you with her. Why the heck do you want to go back to them again? Forget the prophecy for a minute and think about what you're saying. Twinkle, come on! He was more intimate with her than he ever was to you. You're nothing more than his innocent little girl. Darn it, they were almost naked together!"

I hate how I automatically blush when that topic comes up. Not the cute kind of blush either. "I... I'm not really into that stuff. Me and him both know that. There's no reason for him to treat me like a child."

"How many times do I have to remind you, Twinkle! They spent their first lives together. They've been together since the beginning of Jamaa. Sure, not as a romantic couple, but they sure were close friends. She was Fierdan's love interest and one of the only true reasons to stay alive and not freaking kill himself. They've been through everything together. They have a lifetime more memories than you've ever had with him. You think that's the worse of intimacy? They've been far more intimate than that. Twinkle, you're like an outsider compared to them."

"Outsider, huh? Hearing that sure is a new thing for me." I say flatly, suddenly interested in looking down at my feet. 

Black Raven rests a paw on my shoulder. "I'm being honest with you."

I take her paw off me. "Yeah and it's funny how you think I'm only obsessed with romance and nothing more than that in the prophecy. It never stated that Duke and I have to be lovers for the prophecy to be true. The only thing we can have in common is having a fire-based Elemental Power with aerial powers. That's it. There's no need for romance to be such a huge component in this whole thing." 

Black Raven shakes her head at my words. "You're still in love with him, Twinkle. There's no need to deny it."

I try to restrain myself from punching her and watching her panic as she would morph back into a raven. Something that can't talk back to me.

So I say, "It's called I want us all to remain friends. As friends. Okay?" 

She just replies with a sarcastic 'sure', and turns back into a raven.

I sigh and twirl strands of my hair around my finger.

Perhaps I've been so lonely and emotionally damaged that I have gone to such ridiculous limits in order to have one thing.

A friend.

DUKE

You will die before your next birthday. Your wishes will finally come true. I'll make sure of that. Very soon, my dear. We'll finally be free. I love you. 

Those last words. 

He's basically saying he's going to murder me in an act of love? Him of all people. 

The voice. The comfort.

I couldn't stand it. 

I couldn't stand anything involving me really. 

Me and Fierdan. Fierdan and I. We're nothing more than one of the same. 

I really couldn't stand it. Staying alive. Her staying alive. Him staying alive. Them staying alive. Me. Dawn. Fierdan. Soulless. 

I wanted out. I wanted her out.

What happened was this. Dawn removed the scars from being visible on my body. She gave me another hug that seemed to never end. Like one of those hugs a family member would give you. I love those types of hugs. 

I was very weak. Still am. Whatever. 

I was very sick. I would like to say "I'm recovering" but if you know me, you would know that's nothing more than a lie. 

I never really understood the whole thing. All I know is that Dawn knew I was in immediate danger, and she carried me to, well, to a different place. 

She just flung me across her shoulders. As if my weight didn't even matter to her.

Where am I now? Like I'd tell you. 

As I woke up the next day at some time in the afternoon, that old Fierdan thought overcame me.

I threatened to kill Dawn. 

She didn't even fight me back.

She could have died.

Except I decided to kill myself instead. 

I accepted to take part of Fierdan's plan.

That one day we'll meet together in the real world.

That I'll kill myself.

I'll do anything for Soulless to be defeated.

Soulless has tormented us for too long.

And if I have to die for them to die, then I'm up for it.

I haven't seen Dawn for a few days.

My mind is a mess if you don't know.

I'm in isolation. 

Ha, like that means anything. 

I haven't seen Twinkle for what feels like weeks.

I miss her, you know. 

I'm the true bad person here.

Don't ever be like me.

Promise me that. 

heck

Hey.

This is so crazy.

I can't believe I'm going to do this.

If I end up making it bad, feel free to throw any insults at me.

My stomach hurts already.

This is gonna make it continue to hurt.

I'll be fine though.

Possibly.

Let's see if I have improved in any way.

See you on the other side.

......

I'm sorry. I'm going to do this test to see whether or not I should bring them back.

I really need to write again.

Here's an attempt, I guess.

,,,,,,

ooooooh

Hi. :)

I feel inspired and feel like writing these writing pieces. From my cursed TEO story. But in a different way from what I was planning, well, let's say a year ago. So yeah, I want to write in a different- and hopefully improved- style. I don't necessarily mean continuing the chapters. I want to just write about specific scenes I was thinking of including in the sequels to Twinkle's Story (*cringes at the title*). From a book that hasn't ever been written, I guess.

I read a new comment, and an idea sparked in my head.

Yes. Ignite good ideas, brain. Yes. Set me on fire.

Ok, maybe not that.

Yeah, remind me to post the writing piece I'm thinking about. Thanks.

Anyway. School was pretty rough today. Had to do a lot of writing and note-taking today. Health class seems tough already and only on the first day. Those guys weren't cool, ok. Today was like, "hey, it's excessive work day!" for all my classes.

Also. Just about every time I'm stressed about history class, my teacher isn't even there. Ah yes, subs. Nice.

Oh, oh! I was walking outside yesterday morning to go to the bus stop. And as I passed in front of this house, I suddenly see these three adult deers run across the driveway and down the street. And there I was. Just next to them running past me in the opposite direction. That was wild, man.

Haha, this post is a mess. I have a headache, ugh.

Anyway. Haha. Ever wonder, "oh my golly gosh do i wonder what this bad blogger looks like? are they human? are they who they say they are?".. well, panic no further. For I have two new selfies of me (yeah of course me, why would i even say that).

Just go on my deviantart to see how the 16 year old Cutepups looks. I said it somewhere on this blog dump.

For the first time in forever (more like 6+ months, idk), I look at myself and don't feel like total disgusting crap. I'm still surprised on how I give off the vibe that I'm cute and pretty, and that I didn't know what I was talking about when I said I'm ugly. I knew what I was talking about when I said I'm ugly. I only put those pictures online because I actually really like how I look, goddamnit. 

Sorry. I'm just. *dramatically puts hand on heart* feeling that hint of self-love creeping up on me.

Screeeeeeee~

:D

whew

Well, I'm back from my trip. Duh. That's pretty obvious.

It was alright. Could've been better though. Oh well.

I might go into detail about my day later. Not now.

Anyway.

I took out my earrings. Yeah, that wasn't a good idea. Wow man I sure am a constant screw up. Because now. Both of my earlobes are red, bigger than normal, and they hurt.

Frick.

Actually, never mind. I'll briefly describe my day.

So. I went to a museum in NYC. Took twice the usual time to get there and come back for some reason. Thanks to freaking rush hour both ways. It was a cold, gray, rainy day. Passed by a protest (#notmypresident) while on the bus. Had plans to eat outside for lunch. It was pouring during lunch time. So had to run outside in the cold, pouring rain to find a restaurant. That was not fun. Ended up having Starbucks with a few people. (lol ikr starbucks). Had to go back to the museum. Wasn't pouring then, thankfully. Still raining though. Then back to the museum. I basically was following along with three different groups during the trip. Very inconsistent me. Then had to wait outside for the bus to pick us up. The bus was late. Very late. Over 30 minutes late. And that's basically it.

Very exciting, I know. *chokes in sarcasm*

Ok. Here's that female/gender rant (lol) I was talking about.

Just kidding.

It's just a disorganized jumble of words.

Ayy.

~~~~~~~~

I feel so disconnected from the girls in my school. In real life. Teens, I mean. Probably tweens too at this point. 

I don't just mean the girly girls. I mean just about all the labels of them. 

And, honestly, yes. I do know I'm female. All that stuff. I know. But like. That doesn't mean I like being that. Like sure, I might like feminine things. But at the same time, especially teen/adult feminine things, I don't like/am interested in that stuff as much as nearly every girl I see around me in real life.

And what I mean by disconnected. Well. Everywhere I go I see girls talking about girly things. Makeup, perfume, wearing dresses to school every day.. etc. Good for them. Enjoy it, good for them. 

And I don't know if it's because I hate being touched and intimate things. Identifying as an aro ace. And, well, not straight or gay/bi/pan (I think). But like. Damn it. I wouldn't call it dysphoria, but um. I hate the fact that being a human being means having reproductive organs. Like. In general, I hate people. Makes it more obvious that I wouldn't like to be someone's partner romantically and/or sexually. Yeah, I'm still a kid. But ok. I'm 16. Not a pre-teen. Everyone around me my age is interested in being in a romantic relationship, maybe even a sexual one too. Me? Never been into any of that stuff. Back to what I've been saying, I hate having reproductive organs. Strictly female body parts and hormones. 

But at the same time. I'm not saying I want to become male and have, uh, what they have. And I don't really mean nonbinary either. I like some more feminine things (ex. I still like wearing dresses/skirts- only for fancy occasions-, pink, girly stuff just not to the extent of people I know irl). I don't want to be genderless, but more like sexless. If that makes any sense. Probably not. 

I'm stupid lmao. 

I hate having boobs. I hate having to wear bras. Always uncomfortable about that for some reason. I feel like I'm being a girl, wrong. I don't want to have bigger ones, I'd rather have none. And, well, just about every girl I know with smaller sized boobs wants bigger ones. Meanwhile I don't. I'm also not as happy and excited about bra shopping like other girls are. Including the ones I hung out with and went shopping with. 

I'm a screw up lmao.

I hate having periods. What's the point if I'm likely to not become pregnant? It's stupid. It's just another burden. So, if you didn't guess it, I also hate having a vagina, uterus, all those "bottom" female parts. 

I feel like I put on bras and care for my periods, wrong. Inaccurately. 

It's like I fail at being a human being lmao. 

And because of all this, the older I get the more disconnected I feel from being female.

I mean. I felt uncomfortable and would freak out whenever anyone *cough* my sister *cough* wanted me to talk about boobs and periods. 

And me having to live like this for another 70+ years or something makes me want to just give up. Not deal with this. I'm already a screwed up mess of a human being. 

Yeah.

Freaking kill me. 

~~~~~~~~~

Identity is confusing. Oops.

The whole concept of orientations (regarding identity) is confusing.

?????

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You know what.

I identify as a deeply flawed pathetic excuse of a human being. Who thinks about anxious and depressing things a lot. Wants and fears death. Would rather be a cat than a human. Cats are cooler. Hates themself a lot. Very insecure. Makes people they're not close with think they're cool and nice while in reality they do that because of anxiety. Too emotional yet at the same time emotionless. Has not one, single idea how to see themself as.

I'll never fully love myself. I'll never forgive myself for my past actions. I deserve hate.

:))

I get separation anxiety so easily it's not even funny. I panic too easily.

Never show anything irl.

Must hide.

Pretend my cool.

Keep it all inside.

Fake. Only a fake. Never real.

But that's.

Ok.

welcome to hell

Ah, hello there! Hellooo~

My heart is beating so fast. How exhilarating this is.

So, the context. I was looking for something in my room. And I found this bunch of old drawings of mine.

Then I was like- oh! One of the blogs I read and actually still comment on started this challenge thing that's about posting your old artwork and commenting about it.

Old artwork, you say. Well, this is gonna be some of my old artwork. Very old. Like the oldest I was would be 8, 9, or 10 years old. But most of these were drawn when I was 6 or younger. 

So yeah. 

*bangs pots and pans* Welcome to hell, welcome to hell! 

:'D 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was the oldest in these drawings. It was this school thing. Got turned into a sketchbook cover. Only used one page of it though. So here we have a pup in a cup. And it's huge compared to everything else on the table. The puppy's name is Fuzzy. What a name. That's a tennis ball on the floor. And the girl is supposed to be mad or sad. But I don't know anymore. And there's a family portrait behind the pup in the cup. That table though. Those hands though.

Here's the only page I used in that sketchbook. Oh boy wowie. A lion licking a lollipop/chocolate bar standing on candy canes. The heck is on his paw? Oh god. And on the right, there's a dog sliding face-first. That anatomy though. 

First of all, why the hell do I have these bunch of drawings where I state their weights and ages? The heck man? (lol heckman). It says, "He weighs 26 pounds. It is 3 years old. This parrot's name is Crack because its first word was crack". The bird looks like it's eating poop or, well, crack. Little child me drew a bird on crack. Drugs. Wow, this is art. *cries* 

There are tears falling out of my eyes. 

I was such a weird child. Had many problems. Mm.

And here is the girl shrieking "welcome to hell!" which is a very proper post title. It says, "In this picture Kiwi is 6 years old. She is at a dance party with her friends.". Ok, back at it with listing the age. She is alone; where are her friends? What is with her fingers? They look like blades. That smile looks like she's possessed by a demon, or like, Satan. What's with her hair? Who knows! That dress though. Perfect triangle shape.

This has been titled, My big tail dog. So I think this is supposed to be a dog with a big tail? Why it have a beaver tail though. And duck feet. Why though. Tiny head. 

And now for the final drawing I'll be posting today. 

Mm.

Oh man. Oh god. Oh heck man. Pens, huh? Well ok then. Sure, little me, sure. There's only one pen though. Oh.. oh shoot. It kinda resembles a penis. 

Well then. 

lmaoooo

*laughs and cries* 

So yeah. Here is some of my very old artwork. Please love me.

What the hell. Why was I like this? Just. Why.

*claps* 

There you go. Posting my old art.

OLD. SO OLD. 

And that's a glimpse of my childhood! :') 

I also found this photo album in my room from when I was in, like,1st grade. My faces though. Where I was though. Everything about me though. 

Mcfreaking mckill me. 

Bye. <3 

~ Cutepups 

....

I originally was gonna post a rant about myself and female/gender. 

Lmao. Not today. 

Shut up, me.

- - 

uh

Hi.

Well, that skit was a total mess. (They always are...)

Eh, I still felt like posting it.

......

Sometimes I feel like starting a new story.

But I'm too scared to.

It's a stupid idea. I have no motivation for most things and definitely no creativity.

But yet. I feel like I have to. But I can't.

Writing...

......

I'll probably not post on Tuesday. Gonna be a long day. Field trip day. Extends to after-school hours.

And then gonna get a hair cut on Wednesday. It's not gonna be a burden for at least a little while.

I don't know why I'm bringing this up. Nothing left for me to say. I guess.

I like daydreaming about all the cool hairstyles I could pull off. Only if my hair was different.

Frustrating life.

It's so weird. How different my life would be if I was a different person.

Stating the obvious. I know.

Like if I wasn't such a shy and anxious wreck of a human being. If I don't miss important opportunities. If I could actually go and talk to people.

My life would be totally different. Mostly for the better.

......

Well. 'Night.

ok not too shabby

Ah yes. Hi.

It actually did not take place in the middle of a park.

So. Yeah. That's good.

I mean. It was a bit chilly. The weather.

Uh..

Wasn't as fancy-ish like as other _____showers I went to. Not as many people there either.

So no bad conversations. About my appearance, school, college.. none of that. Good. Nice.

So. That was the highlight of my day.

My life is boring.. ew.

I didn't wear earrings for several months, but I decided to put a pair on.

Yeah.. ok.

I was watching these Google Translate Sings videos for an hour or so. And they. I think. Are hilarious.

Yeah and one of my cats kept on following me when I was eating cheese doodles. Like. He wanted those cheese doodles. He put his head in the bag like a savage, I took his head out of the bag, and he decided to scratch me. So rude smh. I even gave him one, and he refused to clean up his mess. Why tho.

My other cat is standing on my back. I'm laying down right now. And she's just. Standing on my back.

My cats though.

... never mind she moved

Sorry. For the misconceptions.

Anyway, I was bored or something a few hours ago. And this came to my mind.

*finger guns*

Duke: Hey :)
Me: Go to hell!
Finny: According to my calculations of this year of 2016, we are already in hell.
Fierdan: Objection!
Me: Jesus freaking Christ, man, stop copying off other shows. Stop it. Just stop.
Fierdan: Ok rude but. Hell doesn't exist. It's called Cincernum, sweetie.
Duke: Sin :)
Me: Shut up. Just shut up.
Duke: Sin cancer :)
Me: Yeah I should add that in. Now add that to the list of things that are wrong with you.
Duke: *plays the song, Numb by Linkin Park, on his iPod shuffle*
Me: Stop being such an edgy emo.
Finny: Why the heck do you even have an iPod shuffle?
Me: You're so stupid.
Duke: Stop being so mean :(
Fierdan: Stop being mean to my boyfriend clone son.
Me: What the heck, you guys are the same person!
Duke: No, I am a puppet :)
Me: Stop finishing your sentences with smiley faces!
Duke: :(
Me: I swear did you just go there-
Twinkle: Oh hey guys. I wanna chop all my hair off.
Duke: Wh-wh-wh-what no????
Fierdan: I'm a puppet too. Heck, everyone's a puppet.
Dawn: Why were me and Twinkle in abusive relationships again?
Me: Yeah and why are you and Twinkle drinking?
Duke: Ohhh snapppp-
Me: Shut up, you're probably always drunk.
Duke: Oh no, not Drunkie again.
Brock: Oh hey, Drunkie.
Duke: Please kill me.
Fierdan: Yes, let's commit suici-
Me: No! No, stop that.
Finny: Dying is too expensive these days. Funerals are highly costly.
Fierdan: But if we all die, none of us will have to pay for the funerals.
Me: Stop suggesting people should die!
Fierdan: Why tho.
Me: It's wrong!
Twinkle: So yeah I really want to cut all my hair off.
Dawn: Why?
Twinkle: I don't know.
Dawn: Ok.
Duke: Um, how am I gonna feel your hair in my nostrils if you go bald?
Dawn: What the hell.
Duke: I like her hair up my nostrils.
Me: Yeah, you're a weird one.
Dawn: What kind of relationship did you two have?
Duke: I mean. Like we were. Birds.
Dawn: Birds?????
Duke: Yes.
Twinkle: No, you idiot. I mean get a bob cut.
Duke: Who is Bob?
Twinkle: Short hair cut. Like a boy.
Duke: Oh you want to be a boy now.
Twinkle: Umm? No.
Duke: Aw :(
Brock: I'm a boy!
Me: Good for you.
Duke: So one time when we were birds, I ate a worm.
Twinkle: We were never birds????
Duke: Oh.
Twinkle: And that was a noodle.
Me: Oh.
Fierdan: Why am I such a screw up?
Me: Because you are.
Fierdan: Ok.
Finny: Well.
Sparkle: Oh my god what.
Finny: I love you.
Sparkle: Aw.
Twinkle: Like. I mean. I guess I hate how I was all girly in the past. And weak. So if I cut my hair. It'll be in the past. I'll be a new person.
Sparkle: There's nothing wrong with wanting to cut your hair.
Twinkle: Thanks.
Brock: I missed you guys. You especially Drunkie. And Fire Dan too.
Fierdan: Why would you miss us? I mean we were both. Bad.
Brock: Because you're both still alive even though you two constantly want to die.
Fierdan: Yeah. Guess so.
Duke: I was supposed to die by suicide because that would be the solution to the story.
Me: Yes, you can still say good things! Thank god.
Duke: That's so messed up.
Me: Yep.
Duke: Like what kind of solution is that? Suicide shouldn't be seen like it's some type of solution.
Me: Wow, I hate you, but I love what you just said. I was an awful writer.
Brock: Yes.
Duke: And you were so ignorant trying to ignore when you had commenters criticizing your writing because they knew the message you were sending out. And how it is such a hurtful message. And you were so blind to the criticism.
Me: Yes.
Duke: And how you would make chapters with self harm. In detail like that. Glorifying that too?
Fierdan: And how you made us. Just. Well. Everything about us.
Me: Yes!
Twinkle: And how all the love things were. It was as if everyone was cheating on each other. That's messed up.
Me: Yeah, that too. Especially that.
Duke: Yeah and dismissing my things I did by saying I'm mentally ill.
Fierdan: Yeah, you were so offensive in the past.
Me: Yeah, that's true.
Dawn: And how I'm like a freak. Obsessed with love freak.
Me: Yeah, that too.

Gotta love insulting my past writings.

Yeah. Bye now.

ah ha hey

Hey hi how's it going everything's going just fine~

Um.. ok.

Saw the movie. Pretty good movie. Yeah I guess.

Wow, got another vote. Wow thanks, I love you. Kudos to you.

Well, I like this book.

So that's that.

Anyway.

I kinda want to look like that Lost One's Weeping boy.

Yeah, I know, I'm stupid and weird.

My hair's a mess. Always been a mess. Forever a mess. Forever gonna make me have self-esteem issues and make me hate myself. Like I mean people would insult/make fun of my hair in the past. But you know. Whatever.

I found this photo of me in 3rd grade. I look cute and ugly at the same time. Haha, that's me. Weird smile.. dang. My hair though. What the heck. Why my hair stick up like that? Why though.

Anyway, you know. I really hate when people *cough* girls *cough* say they're ugly, that their hair's ugly, all that.. crap. No. Hell no.

Every time I see someone say that they look like a mess and a wreck online, they end up looking flipping gorgeous when they post selfies.

It's like they're not making any sense. I'm actually ugly and have hair I hate 99% of the time. I'm a physical and emotional wreck and mess. Their hair is definitely not a physical mess.

Geez, this is so flipping stupid. But it makes me so flipping mad.

lol idk why i'm saying "flipping" in this post :p

Having way, way, way too thick curly hair sure is fun having. So fun. Just kidding, please kill me lol.

Found out the baby shower is in this building by the park. Even though my parents saw no buildings there. So I dunno.

And since I'm a female, I have to go to this baby shower too.

And I'm probably gonna get insulted by certain adults there because of my goddamn ugly hair that's not nice and pretty like literally everyone else's.

Haha, not a big deal that I already have severe self-esteem/confidence issues and with body image too.

:))

And compared to my younger cousin, she'll be a way better person than I'll ever be. As usual.

How fun so fun very flipping fun~

I'm a fail at life lmao.

Like, it would be like. "Hey S! How are you?"

"How am I"- the audacity to say that! 

What else am I supposed to say besides "okay", "good", "alright", or "fine"? You can't say any other answer in a social situation. No. That's just not possible.

Like yeah. I guess I'm okay/good/alright/fine. But I still hate myself very, very much, have little to no motivation and genuine interest in things, and am hopeless with myself and the world. But you know. Whatever. Can't really talk about that. Just let everyone who sees me judge me. That's it. No big deal. Don't make it a big deal.

... wow

Can anyone out there slap me/punch me/kick me any time I suddenly shift gears and turn my posts into a depressing piece of crap?

Geez. Stop it, me. Stop.

More help lmao.

Concept right there.

That's funny.

Know what's funny?

The dream I had.

Very funny.

Creepy.

Poor girls.

In white.

Tied or hanged to the stair railings.

Hidden.

Top floor.

......

How charming.