night time ramblings

Hey. It's 11 pm. Perfect time to start a post, hmm? :)

No one probably cares, but remember when I said I woke up every day with at least one new scratch on my body? Well, that thing ended a few days ago. And now all of them are gone or nearly gone.

Guess that's good. I dunno.

Honestly, this school year so far isn't too bad. I'm actually pretty thankful. So many of my classmates/students in my grade have so many strict teachers who are bad at teaching. And that's rough, man. I don't have any of those teachers. So I'm like kinda glad about it. My teachers for the most part are pretty nice. Which I like a lot.

Still got 3 tests tomorrow lmao.

I'm going to get a haircut in a few weeks. Finally, am I right? Haha. Some part of me wants me to leave my hair the length it is now, another part of me wants me to have it cut just above my shoulders, and another part of me wants me to have it all cut off. Problematic. Gah, I don't know. My long (which isn't even that long lol) hair keeps on bothering me. Like, come on hair, can you go a single day without getting tangled? Taking care of hair is annoying. I'm way too lazy, *sighs*. My hair is naturally curly, so it would look different when it's straightened. Like, it would be longer. That's pretty different. Anyway. I like being able to hide behind my hair. But I usually have it tied up/back/idk lol. So like. I don't know, my dude.

When I was studying earlier, I decided to look at my posts from a year ago. Oh boy, I was one bad sad ball of cringe in November and December of last year. Reading some of my posts and my comments made me constantly think, "wtf there's something wrong with you ... jfc why would you say it, especially like that :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/".

Those were bad blogging times. They're cursed. Right now I'm thinking there's a high chance I won't fall back into that depressing abyss during that time of year again.

So that's good. 

I mean. I have more people I can talk to. Getting more social interaction by being more socially active. At the same time I'm not though, so that might be a problem. Um.. well. Teachers aren't stressing me out as much. Ironic though since I'm taking a few advanced classes this time for once. I know more coping mechanisms. Practicing that mindful meditation thing has saved myself from having more irrational anxiety. Still have that good old rational anxiety though. Ayy. Less anxiety attacks as of recent. Improvement. That's good, man. The Support Page I put up is such a great help. I love the contents. Only downside is some of the contents I linked to don't work on mobile. Eh, it's alright though.

Still got problems though. Everyone's got problems. Just different ones, that's all.

Oh and about anxiety. A lot of classmates of mine also casually talk about getting panic attacks. And with the number of students talking about "I want to kill myself" and "I was having a panic attack then", doesn't it make you wonder that life in school is that bad? Like, just, wow.

Panic attacks and saying suicidal things. Those are. Pretty bad. Very bad. Nothing pretty about that. But who am I to know if they're exaggerating on panic attacks and saying suicidal things. Exaggerating is what I automatically always assume for most of the kids in my school who casually say these things. But who knows. People learn to put up facades.

I hate when people think panic attacks are just when someone starts to sweat more and their heart rate goes up. For a few minutes.

Because like. Having panic attacks is far worse than that. For example- being in so much pain, worrying so much, cold sweats, feeling your body temperature shoot up, dissociating, fear of fainting since you don't know if you can stand up without leaning on something and without walking in tight circles around yourself, hyperventilating, your vision being blurred, and feeling like you want to die then and there in the middle or immediately after it is far more than just getting a bit more sweaty after overthinking something. Oh and panic attacks are worse than anxiety attacks.

Mm, been there. Lived that. Awful time, rate it -0/10.

Ye, pet peeve.

It's past midnight. The heck? Why am I still up?

Good night.

~ Cutepups ☆