whew

Well, I'm back from my trip. Duh. That's pretty obvious.

It was alright. Could've been better though. Oh well.

I might go into detail about my day later. Not now.

Anyway.

I took out my earrings. Yeah, that wasn't a good idea. Wow man I sure am a constant screw up. Because now. Both of my earlobes are red, bigger than normal, and they hurt.

Frick.

Actually, never mind. I'll briefly describe my day.

So. I went to a museum in NYC. Took twice the usual time to get there and come back for some reason. Thanks to freaking rush hour both ways. It was a cold, gray, rainy day. Passed by a protest (#notmypresident) while on the bus. Had plans to eat outside for lunch. It was pouring during lunch time. So had to run outside in the cold, pouring rain to find a restaurant. That was not fun. Ended up having Starbucks with a few people. (lol ikr starbucks). Had to go back to the museum. Wasn't pouring then, thankfully. Still raining though. Then back to the museum. I basically was following along with three different groups during the trip. Very inconsistent me. Then had to wait outside for the bus to pick us up. The bus was late. Very late. Over 30 minutes late. And that's basically it.

Very exciting, I know. *chokes in sarcasm*

Ok. Here's that female/gender rant (lol) I was talking about.

Just kidding.

It's just a disorganized jumble of words.

Ayy.

~~~~~~~~

I feel so disconnected from the girls in my school. In real life. Teens, I mean. Probably tweens too at this point. 

I don't just mean the girly girls. I mean just about all the labels of them. 

And, honestly, yes. I do know I'm female. All that stuff. I know. But like. That doesn't mean I like being that. Like sure, I might like feminine things. But at the same time, especially teen/adult feminine things, I don't like/am interested in that stuff as much as nearly every girl I see around me in real life.

And what I mean by disconnected. Well. Everywhere I go I see girls talking about girly things. Makeup, perfume, wearing dresses to school every day.. etc. Good for them. Enjoy it, good for them. 

And I don't know if it's because I hate being touched and intimate things. Identifying as an aro ace. And, well, not straight or gay/bi/pan (I think). But like. Damn it. I wouldn't call it dysphoria, but um. I hate the fact that being a human being means having reproductive organs. Like. In general, I hate people. Makes it more obvious that I wouldn't like to be someone's partner romantically and/or sexually. Yeah, I'm still a kid. But ok. I'm 16. Not a pre-teen. Everyone around me my age is interested in being in a romantic relationship, maybe even a sexual one too. Me? Never been into any of that stuff. Back to what I've been saying, I hate having reproductive organs. Strictly female body parts and hormones. 

But at the same time. I'm not saying I want to become male and have, uh, what they have. And I don't really mean nonbinary either. I like some more feminine things (ex. I still like wearing dresses/skirts- only for fancy occasions-, pink, girly stuff just not to the extent of people I know irl). I don't want to be genderless, but more like sexless. If that makes any sense. Probably not. 

I'm stupid lmao. 

I hate having boobs. I hate having to wear bras. Always uncomfortable about that for some reason. I feel like I'm being a girl, wrong. I don't want to have bigger ones, I'd rather have none. And, well, just about every girl I know with smaller sized boobs wants bigger ones. Meanwhile I don't. I'm also not as happy and excited about bra shopping like other girls are. Including the ones I hung out with and went shopping with. 

I'm a screw up lmao.

I hate having periods. What's the point if I'm likely to not become pregnant? It's stupid. It's just another burden. So, if you didn't guess it, I also hate having a vagina, uterus, all those "bottom" female parts. 

I feel like I put on bras and care for my periods, wrong. Inaccurately. 

It's like I fail at being a human being lmao. 

And because of all this, the older I get the more disconnected I feel from being female.

I mean. I felt uncomfortable and would freak out whenever anyone *cough* my sister *cough* wanted me to talk about boobs and periods. 

And me having to live like this for another 70+ years or something makes me want to just give up. Not deal with this. I'm already a screwed up mess of a human being. 

Yeah.

Freaking kill me. 

~~~~~~~~~

Identity is confusing. Oops.

The whole concept of orientations (regarding identity) is confusing.

?????

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You know what.

I identify as a deeply flawed pathetic excuse of a human being. Who thinks about anxious and depressing things a lot. Wants and fears death. Would rather be a cat than a human. Cats are cooler. Hates themself a lot. Very insecure. Makes people they're not close with think they're cool and nice while in reality they do that because of anxiety. Too emotional yet at the same time emotionless. Has not one, single idea how to see themself as.

I'll never fully love myself. I'll never forgive myself for my past actions. I deserve hate.

:))

I get separation anxiety so easily it's not even funny. I panic too easily.

Never show anything irl.

Must hide.

Pretend my cool.

Keep it all inside.

Fake. Only a fake. Never real.

But that's.

Ok.