Goodbye 2015

Yeah, I'm not posting those other posts today. Sorry guys. :c

Well, this is it. My last blog post of this year. 400-something posts this year.. wow.

Everything blogging-wise changed this year. My focus, my attitude, my dedication, my posting style.. everything. Just.. wow. I can't believe a year passed already. Can you believe it? It's pretty incredible. I remember last year.. haha. I went on AJ that morning and saw so many people scamming. Then I made a post and raged about them. And then later on, I made this huge thank you post with a music YouTube video. Man, that was fun.. wasn't it?

And now 2015 is over. Well, I'm typing this sentence when my clock says 11:30 PM, so there's still 30 minutes to go. Less now.

Like.. um.. this year went by fast. Sure, lots of stress occurred. Sure, you caused some of it. But hey, 2015 is behind us. Here comes 2016.. woo!

Not saying 2016 will be easier than 2015.. I highly doubt that. I have a lot of things to do in this upcoming year.. 16 wow.. 2016.. wow. Yeah, just, wow!

So much has changed! I love you guys so much! Just.. hmm...

I think my New Year's resolution blogging-wise is to take your guys' advise for me and actually use it. Be more open with you (well, somewhat.. ahem), not lie about feelings, deal with my problems better, talk to you more, write more, draw more, not lie much in general, be a better person.. you know, stuff like that. Like, hmm, kinda like the advise that Anon gave me about.. yeah, venting stuff.. haha yeah.

Well, the burden of 2015 is almost past us now (and if you're timezone is behind mine, in a few hours or less for you <3). Be more positive when 2016 comes.

I feel a bit better now than two hours ago. So that's good.

Sorry, I really don't know what to add! 2014 seemed not so long ago, and now 2015 is just about over now!

Well, I guess this is it.

Goodbye 2015, and hello 2016!

Goodbye guys. <3

~ ☆Cutepups☆ ~

Lots of Things

Hi guys. Before I actually get into this post, I'll try to make a few more posts today. Yeah.. let's see about that.

So before I go into all that other stuff, I've.. um.. gotta admit some stuff about some recent posts. Well, uh...

I was a bit angry when I typed those last two posts. It's just that.. wow.. a lot of things changed from last year, huh? I made a lot of new friends (mostly online, some irl as well) this year, and later on, most of them left/quit/forgot me/idk stuff like that. And comments.. well, they remind me of those good old days. And so many of those people left. And yeah, I miss them all so much. Like, for example, those comments on my Quotes and Other Blogs pages. And when my friend (you know who are *cough*) quit and deleted some things.. well, that kinda made me not able to stand that Other Blogs page and the old comments from both our blogs. Because, man, I miss those days. And days like that are gone.. completely gone now. I'm tired of explaining stuff like this. But yeah, that's why I did what I did. It's over with, done, whatever.

Haha, I'm such a sensitive and negative prick. .-.

And even though so many things changed during this year and things can't ever be like they were before, at least I've gotten to know most of you guys (well, the ones that I know comment anyways) a lot better. Be more "real" and "personal" with you. Just.. um.. thank you. Thanks for staying with me, guys. Thanks to the few of you that stayed with me and dealt with me this entire year. You guys mean a whole lot to me. Like, ok lol, I tell you guys so much. And gah.. your support.. I love you all (as friends lol) so much. (Wow, my computer is lagging.. as usual :/).

We changed a lot in just one year. And me.. oh gosh. Just.. just read my posts from exactly a year ago. I was overly happy and excited in my posts, I posted about AJ, I spammed you with YouTube videos, I was vague and so were you...

Now I see a few of you as the closest friends, the best friends, I ever had (and still do). And if some of the things this year didn't take affect, the changes didn't happen, then maybe we wouldn't be as close as friends as we are now. Haha, it's pretty funny. It's kinda like this year was going uphill with positivity in the beginning half, and it all went downhill in the ending half. (I'm not rereading what I'm typing here). Thanks again, guys. <3

Oh and pageviews! Gained a lot of them. I had what, 25 thousand last year at this time? And I have what, 83 thousand now? That's.. wow. A lot of people view/ed my blog this year. Haha.

But, oh boy, what a change. From last year. To now. In every way I can think of. Wow...

Me hugging all of you (XD):

That's cute. :3

Haha, my posts are getting even more awkward. Wow, some of you already celebrated New Year's! Happy 2016! ^w^

Even my writings changed. Improved a bit too, I might say. And the plot. And decided to turn it into a series. And make poems too. Wow, so much change! :0

I'm not proofreading this. I probably am not making sense here. Oh well. XD

I feel kinda guilty too. I didn't finish so many drawings that I wanted to finish by now. I wanted to type up Chapter 50 by the end of year.. ugh, writer's block sucks. I think I have it because I depend on you guys too much, to tell you the truth. Like, idk, I don't want to disappoint you guys anymore. And comment drama. Eh, I'll come up with something good for the next chapter soon enough. Just like last year, I didn't post a new chapter in the entire month of December. Writer's block at the same time of year. Isn't that something!

I might make another Cutepups Support post before 2015 ends for me. Maybe. :')

Maybe a commercial skit too. For good time's sake. ;'D

See ya guys later! 

Oh, what a year this was... ^-^'

There

Okay done. For now anyways. Might remove more things on a later date, I'm not completely sure right now. 

So yeah. There. If you're just here to complain, then leave.

Expect more poem posts. Since that's the only thing I like posting. 

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups 

Blog Cleaning

Oh..

Hey guys. I'm gonna change some things on the blog. Clean it up a bit. Remove the things I quit updating and find no purpose in keeping. 

Quotes. I can just put them in regular blog posts. And I don't even update the page anymore.

Some side gadgets. I think it's stupid to keep them, and besides, they're just unnecessary. 

Other blogs. Obviously there's no point in keeping that up. I don't even bother updating the page anymore. Every blog has basically quit posting and the ones that do only post occasionally. And I don't like the possibility that people might be only going on my blog to go to other blogs. Most (I mean AJ-related by all of this) bloggers have quit a long time ago. Don't deny it, you know it's true. So what's the point of keeping it up? Memories? Pfft.. yeah right. Don't call me in on that. 

Haha, it's kinda sad really. How so many people lost an interest in blogging entirely this year. 2015.. what a cruddy year. 

I guess I'll keep the pages. Just remove them from being top tabs. At least it won't remind me of those old blogging memories every time I go on my blog. Because, to be honest, it's painful to look at the comments. It hurts knowing how much we've all changed and how just about everybody left. The blogging side of things, I mean. It's just another pain for me now. 

It's also kinda strange how at least one other person views my blog while I go create a post. It happens quite frequently actually. Well, I think so anyways. 

Yeah whatever. See ya later. 

~ Cutepups 

. . .

If you're gonna even bother commenting, then for crying out loud, don't type up a whole essay-length comment because you think I'm referencing you. I'm referring to a whole lot of people, not just one person. You aren't special; it's not all about you. If you're even thinking about commenting anything like that, then just.. Don't. Just leave it to yourself and go. Bye. 

"The Jamaa Mist"

I've been thinking it over for a few weeks now.

Why the blog is named "The Jamaa Mist". When I barely play Animal Jam, a game centered in a world called Jamaa.

I'm keeping this blog, the name of this blog, everything. The name, "The Jamaa Mist", has evolved its meaning several times. Why I changed this blog to focus on writings, drawings, advise, and (hopefully from now on) the occasional vent/rant has to do with it.

You see, it all connects. To what?

This idea that started small in the beginning of 2014. That grew bigger and bigger as each month passed.

First, "The Jamaa Mist" was only a more creative title than just "Animal Jam _______". First, this blog started as a blog for the game, Animal Jam.
Just like with Twinkle's Story. Just like "The Jamaa Mist", it's sole purpose was to be centered around Animal Jam but in a more creative way than the usual approach. Come on now, there is no AJ-related story that is even close to be similar to Twinkle's Story.. and I do mean before the changes.

Then, several months later, I had discovered a flaw. That if I kept things as is, Twinkle's Story will fall to that sad fate of turning into another cliche AJ/Jamaa-related story.

And boy, did I despise that idea. Falling into the pit of repeated AJ-related stories told by fans of the game was not what I wanted. I didn't go all this way for nothing. So you know what I did? I changed.

Changed what? Basically everything related to Twinkle's Story and the blog.

As I focused more on the story, I focused less on AJ. As doing so, I separated the uncreative ideas I used from AJ for the story from my own thoughts, my own individual writing.

But since I already started all those months ago and planned it to take place in Jamaa, AJ's world, I couldn't change that. I also had inserted Mira and Zios, as gods of Jamaa, into the story.

So I decided to be creative with Mira and Zios. Make them different than one might expect. Make them related to the two protagonists in Twinkle's Story and go on from there.

So then I thought of incorporating "The Jamaa Mist" as something important in Twinkle's Story. At first, I was incorporating the blog title into the story as it states, Jamaa mist. More specifically the mist that covers up Jamaa like a cursed veil after disaster strikes due to the doings of the protagonist character, Duke.

But then later on, I realized that is also a cliche. Making it so obvious, so easy to figure out like that.

Why yes, "The Jamaa Mist", is still related in an important way to Twinkle's Story just not in one single way. In other words, there is more than one "Mist" that is a key factor towards the end of the story and the end of Jamaa.

And what that is, is something I'll never explain. Not as things are at least.

During all this, my viewpoints and ideas for Twinkle's Story changed significantly.

Instead of making it easy and straightforward, I changed it to be the entire opposite.

Twinkle's Story is like a ride that starts as a kiddie ride but then suddenly switches gears to turn into a wild ride.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of being confused about what's real and what's fake. What's a lie and what's a fact. Just about everything that's straightforward and easy in the beginning turn out to be nothing but lies. Nothing about it is straightforward and easy.

In simpler words, I'll say an example of what I mean.

Their lives are lies. Every character who has a POV. I lied about their lives, their pasts, their identities. That'll mainly go into effect after Twinkle's Story ends, but there's one obvious example you should all know.

And of course it relates to the character I talk the most about, Duke. Duke, he's the perfect example to use to explain this. So in the beginning of Twinkle's Story, we all come to realize that Duke is the single child his parents, mother Calliah and father Eternal. And that there's no reason why he connects with fire and darkness so easily.

But later on, I changed it all around so it isn't as easy as that. That Duke is strongly related to a character that originally lived around a hundred years before Duke. And obviously I mean Fierdan by this. By that, I changed the reason behind Duke connecting with fire and evil (darkness) to my own version of Zios. And just like that, Duke is related to Fierdan because their real father is Zios and not Eternal or anyone else. Which then in turn means Calliah might as well not be his mother either.

Well, that's just one example. Oh and no, I won't go into any other examples. Nobody deserves to know them, except me.

All in all, as Twinkle's Story/The Extraordinary Others series evolves, so does the meaning behind the title of the blog, "The Jamaa Mist".

But even when that time comes when all is explained, there will always be that hint of mystery. The mystery of the true meaning of "The Jamaa Mist".

But I'll just keep all those answers to myself.

Thank You, Friend

I was lost in my mind
Not knowing what was right 
Not knowing what was wrong 
I let my internal darkness engulf me
I let it attempt to drown me
I was at a total lost
Because I let my light down
So it was only flickering 

But then you did something
That you might not even know 
What you did affected me
In a good way
Just like how you affected me
In a bad way earlier 
You looked at me
Your light radiated onto me
You talked to me
You laughed with me
You helped me 
You made me realize how wrong I was
You brought me back to reality 
You made my flickering light not die out

I once thought you as 
Hostile, an attacker
Rude, a hater
Someone who just wanted to dismantle the light 
Someone who always thought they were right
My enemy

Now I see you as
Helpful, you helped me in a ton of ways
Helped me how to cope, how to see how I was tearing all of us apart
Thoughtful, you comment in such a length
Your thoughts and opinions saturating the comments
Smart, you realized before I ever did
From your kind tips to what I was subconsciously doing
My friend 

Thank you for everything
Thank you for being you, the real you, to me
Thank you for everything 
Thank you, friend. 

~*~*~*~

[Dedicated to Queen (aka Reachie) and the Anonymous commenter who recently commented the long comments]

:) 

~ Cutepups (aka Blue) <3 

well made it worse

Uh.. hi guys. Merry Christmas. To those who celebrate it. I'm celebrating it later today because I don't celebrate at home. (Great reason, I know). 

Why is summer in winter? This weather.. wow.

Yeah okay. Um...

Oh yeah. I had a very weird dream last night. A dream that was weirder than usual, I mean. I have messed up dreams. What the heck, brain. What. The. Heck. From what I can still remember from it, it was like this...

I was running in this bright and sunny alley in a cold and dirty city. Then the bright blue sky turned into a huge rainbow. Then the sidewalk turned into bright green grass. After that, I was in this old lady's garden. Then I suddenly had gardening tools with me. And I was confused because I don't know what I'm doing in this old lady's garden. So then I walk away from her house, and later find out her garden goes on practically forever. Then I find the beginning of this garden maze. And right in front of this maze entrance is a fat black chicken. (I actually saw a few fat black birds yesterday o.o). Then as I walk closer to the maze entrance, the fat black chicken jumped up high in the air (it was sitting before). And then it sprinted into the maze at top speed. 

And, I don't know why, I felt like I was destined to catch that fat black chicken. Then as I pass by the place where it was sitting a few seconds ago, there was this regular-sized beige-colored egg. Then I stepped over it carefully, and then I ran into that weird green maze. After every turn, I could see the fat black chicken's tail feathers. But I could never reach out and grab that shockingly fast fat black chicken. I swear that bird was mocking me, that bully. Then from the direction of the entrance of the maze, I hear this loud squawk. Before I can even register what that was, this mini version of the fat black chicken sprinted through the maze and reached what I inferred to be its mother. 

Then they both suddenly fell over. I finally reached these weird birds and inspected them. And then I cried when I found out they were shot. Then I wanted to find this heartless shooter that killed these obnoxious fat black chickens. I remember crying, "My babies! Ahh!", and then running even faster through the maze. When I finally exited the maze, I returned back to the corrupted city. But this time, the sky wasn't bright and sunny. So then I see my cat, Thelma, running in the middle of this old and abandoned street.

 And then I run to catch her, but then she suddenly disappears down this black hole at the end of the street. Then I look down into this black hole (not the ones in space, it was just this huge jagged hole at the end of the street). Then I realize the rest of my family, my best friends, and just about the whole townspeople had also fallen in this weird hole. Upon closer inspection, I saw that this black gooey substance (why do I always have black gooey poisonous substances.. like TEO, now here?!) cover all the walls of the hole and the floor. And it also covered the top of the hole like bars of a jail cell. 

Then I saw the shooter and found out he trapped all these people too. Then he was all like, "They're all gonna die, you're next." And I was all like, "Nah, no thanks." Then I pulled out this gun I suddenly felt in my pocket. I realized it was a Heaven's Gun from Twinkle's Story and thought it was cool. Then we started shooting at each other. Then I looked down the hole again and saw that a few people were starting to die. Then I shot at the evil man again. So then I shot him one more time, and he fell down his own trap (the hole). And I stared at him struggling in the black gooey substance. 

Then as I started to leave this disasterous scene, I heard this group of teens say, "The world is way too corrupted." Then one of them turned around and immediately shot me. And right before I hit the pavement, I saw his face. Then he told the rest of his gang, "Okay, let's go."

Right before everything faded to black and the dream ended, I found out what that group of teens was. They were my imagination, my characters, my children. They were them. The Extraordinary Others. And Daniel (why is it always him?!) shot me. And then I passed out.

So yeah, what a dream! There, enjoy my weird dream's story. There, that can count as a writing piece, right? 

. . . . .

Alright, alright. Weirdness aside, other matters. So...

Well, I made it worse. So I found out that even when no one comments, I still worry and get anxious about comments. And I still think about them basically 24/7. Even when there are no comments. And I found out that maybe I wake up in the middle of the night at like 4 in the morning because it is way too hot in my house, especially my room. See, it all connects. Hot weather, hot room, difficulty sleeping.. um yeah.

Comments, no comments.. that feeling is still there. Disabling comments doesn't mean anything. In a way, I actually still like comments. 

Wow, I contradict myself way too many times. :/

Like, how to put this. All the time now, long comments automatically make me anxious by just glancing them over. Because, 9 times out of 10, a long comment has something in it that stays in my head for days and worries me like crazy. Like, I don't know, criticisms about whatever I'm doing (writing, life). And they always (no doubt about that) leave drama (aka disagreements, long comment replies, apologies). 

I swear I'm being such a coward here. :/

It's just that comments (from the past few days) never leave my head. And I take them too sensitively. And long comments are like criticizing attacks, and short comments are like spam to me. 

I already know I'm gonna get hate for this. I hate with a burning passion that I can't explain in words what I really want. I guess I just want this commenting drama (that I guess I caused in the first place) to leave me alone. But not you as a person. 

I'll just go since I just ruin everything in my posts. Ok bye. 

~ Cutepups 

no it's not alright

I made a quick drawing on my iPad. I only used one black brush and didn't change the settings. It's a drawing of me. And how I feel about all this.. stuff I said last post (in the actual post and/or comments in general). 

Heh..

Supposed to be looking down but still standing upright. The dark cloud thingy above me are my thoughts, your thoughts.. everything. And I wanted it to stop, but of course, it didn't. And I'm just thinking, "... *sigh*" about all of this. 

Funny, how I tell you not to comment. Especially another type of comment like that. Guys, you sure are funny. Ha, ha, ha.

Comments = Drama

No comments = Less chance of drama increasing 

What don't you get by that?! 

I repeatedly say, "DO NOT COMMENT", yet you comment. And, of course, ignoring the reasons I lamely said why not to.

I only want you to leave me alone because of your comments. Because, guess what? They only end in disaster for both of us now. 

I wanted that, and only that, to leave me alone. To go away. To stop. 

Other than that, I love hanging out with you online. I mean it. 

On a completely different topic, it's Christmas. 

It's over 70 degrees here. It's usually 30-something degrees here. With snow on the ground, sipping hot cocoa, cuddled up in blankets.

Apart from all these messed up emotions, maybe I'm not in this festive mood because it doesn't feel like that time of year. It feels like summer just started. 

Christmas, New Year's.. it just feels crazy with this very warm weather. I don't know about you, that's just how I feel. *shrugs* 

This doesn't feel like the holidays at all. Especially how things are in real life and online. No, I'm not gonna go into that. Got that? 

And what's the most not alright? Not anything I said yet. Want to know what it is?

Treating suicide like a ****ing joke. 

Someone does a slight thing that annoys you. Like doodling a smiley face on your folder, or poking your shoulder. And that someone is your friend. And then you say, "Oh my god, I swear I'm gonna kill myself", only to laugh with that same friend a minute later. 

I hear at least one person in school say that every day. 

Screw you. You're not suicidal, you outgoing and always happy piece of crap.

And then people online lying about committing suicide. Faking their own death. Not even attempting. Lying about that too. 

People like that make me feel sick and disgusted. 

Screw you. You're just a pathetic person who wants attention. (directing that to people like that)

For the last 3 nights, I woke up at 4 in the morning sitting up in my bed. I went back to sleep a few minutes later though. 

For the past month, every time I have a dream, it isn't all positive and happy. They make no sense. They have a lot of darkness in them. Especially when those people run away and leave.

More often than not, comments make it hard for me to fall asleep. And have at least some happiness in sleep. Comments keep on replaying in my head. Comments make me lie awake in my bed worrying for the entire night into the morning. Though I do actually fall asleep after a while (I don't have insomnia), the worrying thoughts are still there. As long as you comment like you do, it'll stay that way. Dreams in the beginning turn into nightmares in the end with either me or other people or animals barely alive. 

Nothing is as simple as it seems on its surface. 

Bye. 

~ Cutepups 

Some Things (Personal)

READ EVERY WORD IN THIS POST. OR ELSE, DO NOT COMMENT ANYTHING AT ALL.

  Yes, I'm still here. Pathetic me is still here, still messing everything up in the end. Woo.

Hi, I'm back with a new post. Just wanted to talk about some things.

But first (aka so this post isn't even more depressing.. lol what), a song I don't own!

But it relates to what I have to say.. kind of. Okay, not really.

I'm addicted to this song, holy crap.

"Left Alone"~ Sleeping With Sirens

"Left Alone". This will probably get personal...

I'll start with the simple things, I guess...

I don't think I'll be blog posting daily anymore. I'll still check for comments daily, but I won't post daily anymore. At least for the most part.

"Why?" the shy and innocent viewers who I don't know ask.

Um.. Well.. Uh.. 

Like the title of this song, I want need to be left alone. So.. um.. let me elaborate (obviously).

Posting. Nowadays, it seems that no matter what happens, I get trapped in this loop that makes me only want to post depressing posts. And rant about how much I hate some people (lol I'm such a pessimist). Though I haven't ranted.. yet.. (though when I want to, I swear a lot). And I know how you all hate reading my vent posts (eh, so do I).

Which clearly leads to...

Commenting. To me, every time I read a comment (whether I publish it or not), I know it'll lead to drama to some degree (on DA, too). Comments these days.. I just want to be left alone from it all. Every comment leads to drama. I'm not even kidding.

A simple "hello". Drama. ("too short", "you don't care about her")

A long comment with apologies/self-hate/sympathy. Drama. (me: "you're making me feel worse", "you don't understand", "stop giving me your pity")

A long comment telling me to stop venting on here. Drama. ("meanie", "heartless"; you: "you don't make sense", "stop saying sorry", "stop making me and us feel miserable"; me: "can't help it", "can't make straightforward decisions", "is confusing", "doesn't even know myself")

A comment telling me to do something. Drama. (all other commenting things on here and DA feel like a weight pulling me down, being so abrupt with it, me being a sensitive prick feels hurt about it, me being so emotionally unstable in my posts recently, pressure, feeling like you hate me..)

A comment asking me where everyone has gone. Drama. (I don't know why they left, my paranoid thoughts, left because of me somewhat)

A comment wanting me to be more happy. Drama. (I can't with all this comment drama..)

And any type of comment I missed. (Except for like 1% of all comments, nowadays). You might think this comment won't make me feel anxious and sad by just reading it, but it does. Oh, it does. I just can't handle this. Comments, they all lead to drama in the end. Hurt misunderstandings. Pressure. Anxiety. Guilt. Arguments. More sadness. Inability to sleep well (if at all). Grades lowering. Crying. 

I. Can't. Keep. This. Up. . I. Feel. Like. This. Is. Tearing. Me. Apart. . I. Think. This. Is. Why. I. Feel. So. Crappy. And. Depressed. Nowadays. . It. Hurts. Me. All. Day. Every. Day. . I. Want. To. Be. Left. Alone. Now. Because. It. Hurts. . The. More. I. Post. The. More. Comments. Will. Come. The. More. Sick. I. Feel. .

Some lyrics from song ^^

"I'd rather you lie than throw it all away." I'd rather read your non-depressing lies than your depressing truths, which will lead to both of us feeling even more depressed. I'd rather have you lie and say you'll always be there for me than have you just leave me entirely one day (though that's rather inevitable). I'd rather have you tell me you like me for who I am even though you obviously don't than have you argue with me and then hate me. 

"How deep do you want to go? Don't you know that some things are better left alone?" I want (I know you want) to get to know us better. Become closer friends, deeper relationship than just "mutuals". But it's so much easier to hurt each other, the closer we get. And it clearly has. There was this bigger happiness in both of us before we got close and personal with our feelings. Everything's complicated now because of this.

"How do we get back? To a time when it was easy?" To simpler, drama-free, stress-free times. I don't think things can ever be like they used to. Everything's hard now. And we can't just go back to those easier times. 

. . . . . . . . . .

Posting leads to comments. Which make me feel worse. And it never stops. That's basically why I'm not checking here as often as I used to. 

Don't comment anything like what I pointed out in this post. Actually, I'd prefer you to not comment anything if at all. Comments just pain me now. I'm (not) sorry. 

And to conclude this post, some Google pictures that I don't own.

(meh..)

 Don't comment either.

I'm done.

Photos from DC Trip

What has happened has happened. The past is in the past; let's start anew. My name is Cutepups. I made my name Cutepups when I was a stupid 12 year old. ;)

um what

In other words.. ahem.. what I posted, what happened in the comment sections of those posts.. those are in the past now. Let's go back to less depressing vent posts! Hi, it's me. Cutepups. Blue. S. Whichever name you prefer to call me. Yeah, newness.

um what

So anywho, my siblings came back from their colleges for winter break (though my brother isn't spending his break home with us lol) and I told them about my extremely busy trip in Washington DC a few weeks back.

So then I remembered I never posted any photos I took on the trip.

I'm too lazy to explain in detail each photo. Basically, the sunset one is from when we were at this reststop. The sky looks like it's on fire! And the rest are the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, the Jefferson Memorial, the WW2 memorial, and the MLK memorial (the order of events in which I took the photos isn't the order in which I'll post them here).

But before that, a very brief summary of what happened in DC.

- Doing group work and not being able to go into our hotel rooms (nevertheless to sleep) until 11:30 pm each night

- Waking up at 7:30 am each morning

- Dividing into seminar groups to discuss the issues in America we're the most interested in

- Lot of discussions on controversial topics

- All about social justice

- Exploring DC's landmarks and museums and shopping areas

- Typing speeches in small groups or partners to then later be presented (via public speaking) to Senate or House of Representatives

I don't feel like diving into all the details with you guys, so that's an extremely vague summary of what happened while I was there. Sorry.

I also don't want to bore you to death by me rambling about what I did and all them social justice stuff. I explained to my family everything I did. It took over 2 hours. I'm not in the mood to type up a post for that long explaining what I did. Just be glad I'm posting photos (only a select few though lol.. I have my reasons) for you guys to see.

Cool stuff :)

So...

Um.. hi. 

Just about all the pile of stressful work my teachers piled on me before winter break is over with now. (3 more days to go.. yes!).

So anyway, sorry to the rest of you mysterious people out there who view my blog. I'm distancing from here, and being more active on DeviantArt (yeah, I swear on there sometimes, so what). Like, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but sometimes when I post, what you say in the comments makes me think you don't get what I intended to mean in the post. And those people that actually do understand, I communicate with them on other sites (like DeviantArt). 

Not that I can really blame you other guys. I don't know all you (like Anonymous people) that well. And, idk, I feel uncomfortable explaining to people I don't know all too well. And don't get me started on short/irrelevant comments. Those comments make me think that you didn't actually read my post, care enough to even bother, or you just don't put into account anything I said. It's annoying, guys. And no, it isn't one person. 

And to tell you the truth, those of you who occasionally comment that I'm not close with (I honestly don't consider those of you my friends.. I barely, if at all, know you), I feel that you don't get what I say in my certain type of posts. You take it in a way that I didn't intend it on being. Those I'm close with know what I mean (well, for the most part). But the rest of you don't.

I think I'm growing hesitant on posting here because you'll take what I post the wrong way. *cough* my last 3 posts *cough*

I'm over that now. I'm not even gonna explain what I meant. Because I find no point in doing that. Too bad, deal with it.

So yeah. Bye guys. 

~ Cutepups 

(By the way, I feel better.. slightly. Thanks for asking.. said no one I referred to in this post. Might post more poems/other writing pieces soon.)

....

I'm tired. Busy schoolweek.

If I don't reply to your comments, don't think I'm ignoring you. I read what you comment. It's just that I can't really think of anything to say as a response. Something that's more than just an "okay". Because you deserve better. But I'm at a loss of words for what to say.

I love how people compliment and appreciate my artwork (drawings and writings), even though I repeatedly tell them they suck. Really boosts my confidence hearing that from my friend in class today. She's a great friend.

I love how I have people in my life that remind myself that I have some hope and talent. They remind me that I under-appreciate and downgrade myself. Heck, my self-esteem and self-confidence aren't all too good. Pretty bad, actually. But hearing that I'm worth something, it really does mean a lot to me.

Not saying that you guys on the internet have no affect on me. You guys do. It's just different and closer and just more meaningful hearing those words from those you care so much about in real life.

To be honest, I'm beginning to feel uneasy here. In real life, it's so much more simpler. Online, it's a different story. No matter what I say, I think I dramatize it too much. My feelings, what I say about them, I feel like part of me is lying to you. I don't know if thinking like that is actually making things worse, my mind worse. I don't know what I feel, to tell you the truth. Like I said, I'm nothing. I'm just pathetic old me.

When I say don't feel sorry for me, I kinda still want you to. I'm sorry I can't let you guys realize that I want your comforting messages but not your pity. Just don't waste your time on pathetic old me. Please.

I'm fine, I'm not fine.. heck, I don't even know anymore. So of course neither can you. I can't help feeling this way. About all of this.

You won't ever understand me. Stop trying already. There's no point in trying. Stop assuming you know how I feel. Because you don't. Sometimes I have bad days. And I post. And guess what? I don't feel any better after reading your understanding sympathy. It makes me feel worse and more guilty.

I mainly wrote that post yesterday because I'm guilty over all these lies I've been giving you. I regret them. It's a circle of misery.

Screw any typos here. It's late, I'm tired and frustrated, and I just don't care anymore.

Being on here just isn't fun like it used to. Every time I post nowadays, I'm just forcing me to. Same with replying with comments. Commenting in general. Here, those other sites you know me on, everywhere. It isn't you, it's me. Some days, just going online and seeing you left a comment for me, it tires me out. I don't hate you. It's just tiring.

Everything's tiring, to be honest. Every other day, I come home from school just wanting to sleep. With my cats, with my dog.

There's something wrong with me. Yeah, I know that. Can't you tell from my posts how damaged I am inside? Can't you tell I'm impossible to read, to get to know? Can't you tell from my constantly changing thoughts and feelings about myself? Of course there's something wrong.

A few weeks ago, I honestly thought I chose to feel like this. That I was lying about things. Now maybe I'm not. I'm not exaggerating anymore. During bad times, I feel like it. Maybe that's why I was exaggerating before. I can't help feeling this way that's confusing as heck. I'm okay. At the same time, I'm not okay. And vice versa.

Screw this freaking post. Just some crap.

Screw this. I can barely take it anymore. I know you're all tired of this. I've been exhausted way longer. I know I sound like a cry baby in these posts. I know all of this. Way before you ever did.

Screw this, I'm out.

~ Cutepups

Heyeyyy

Great, my computer is updating again. :/

Okay so anyway, before you comment on my previous post. READ THE FIRST COMMENTS I MADE ON THAT POST. READ THIS POST. And then you can comment after you read all that. c:

There's no need to go and comment "OMG I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU!!!! *hugs a million times*". Please don't do that, it'll just make me feel even more guilty. (I typed that post up BECAUSE I've been feeling guilty).

I'm fine. Fine as in not feeling like crap.

Please don't leave long paragraph comments. I'm really not in the mood to read those types of comments today.

I am stressed about school things though. I've gotta type up this rough draft for class tomorrow that I barely started on (lol such a procrastinator). I have a project now that I've gotta do. Add on several tests and that's basically my school day until winter break. So yeah, it's stressful. Not as stressful as last year, but still. Stress.. ew. >.<

So yeah, my goal is to not check them online sites you know me on (including this excuse of a blog lol) until I finish that draft. Haha, I regret so many things. Fun.. not.

I also made that previous post because I just wanted to let out some thoughts. Because.. I don't know I just felt like it. They've been bothering me a lot recently. So yeah.
I'll end it here. Bye.

~ Cutepups

Lies and Regrets (vent poem)

Why does everything lead to regrets?
Why does everything lead to lies?
Oh why am I like this?
Please tell me why, cold, fragile soul
Please tell me why I can't let anyone know

Call me a liar
Set me on fire
Make the regrets go away
My mind is already gray

These lies
These close ties
You tell me you want to know me
I don't know who I'm supposed to be

Out of reach
I need you to teach
Me how to stay
Without having to pay
I'm sorry for all I've done
You're the only one
Who can bring me back
To positivity that I now lack

Why do I tell you how to care for yourselves?
I can't even care for myself.
Why do I go so far to make you feel better?
I can't even succeed in making myself feel better.
Why am I so attached to you?
I barely even know you.
Why do I doubt you?
I know you'll leave one day.
Why do I always pretend?
I don't even know how to be real anymore.
Why do I want you to leave me alone?
I need you now more than ever.
Why am I like this?
I don't know, friend.

A malicious liar
A growing fire
This cycle of regrets goes on and on
I know it won't ever be gone
If you think I'm kind
Then you must be blind
I'm manipulative with you
I thought you knew
Feel sorry for me
Oh how manipulative can I be?

Always the same mistake
I don't know how much I can take
The light drops dead
Just like a ball of lead
Dark nights
Constant fights
'Round and 'round we go
Tell me no
Take me off this ride
There's a high tide
I'm drowning
You're frowning
Call me a liar
Set me on fire
I won't mind
Tell me to unwind
Not making sense
Build up a fence
Drive you out
And then you pout
Sorry for all the pain
Sorry for putting you in this game

I'm sorry for lying.
I'm sorry for regretting.
I can't help it.

Mondays suck
I'm out of luck
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

ehhhhhhh

I'm growing tired of irrelevant comments.

Don't say anything.

I've got work to do.

This is gonna be a long, stressful week.

Bye.

~ Cutepups

It Was Intentional

Hi guys. I'm gonna explain why I made the banner the way I did. Yes, I intended to make it the way I did. Yes, there are meanings behind it. But first off, have a picture! ^-^

;-; <3

Now back to the main reason of this post...

Okay, so those Fierdan pictures on the banner? I love them so much. The PicMonkey effects I put on them. Oh my god, just yes. Oh and if you're uncomfortable with the fact that the red stuff on that his hands and face is blood, then you can just pretend it's ketchup.

The PicMonkey made the blood look kinda like ketchup. The original picture makes the blood look, well more like blood. Here's the original picture if you're wondering.

And compare it to the blood on the banner picture. That one looks like neon blood compared to the original picture. :p

(The random picture I found on Google is the first picture of this post because I don't want the bloody picture to be the first thing you see in my post (like if you're viewing on mobile or something.. idk). Yeah, just deal with it. Deal with the fact that I randomly put a set of lyrics from a Twenty One Pilots song in the very beginning of this post. <3)

So anyway, I was bored earlier today. I edited with PicMonkey to create these. (Haha, more PicMonkey! 8D)

Blue hue

Red hue (edited eyes with another effect though)

Now whatever that was is out of the way, onto them (hidden..?) symbols.

I made the banner have these two halves for a reason. The top half being the more festive and seasonal, and the bottom half being all revolved around my three main TEO characters. Like the top half is more general and known about than the bottom one. With the blog title in this font that makes it look like the letters are icicles, and the three main things I'm determined to blog about. The other half is a much longer story...

Well, the other half is more of a hidden half. By that I mean it's hard to fully understand all the meaning of it without me explaining it (which is much harder than the other half). I doubt I'll be even able to explain all the meaning behind the bottom half to you guys. But I'll try. 

So yeah, I made all of them have this sad and depressing mood. Well yeah, I can just say that I did it that way because they all get sad. That it's just about them. 

But it's not. Remember when I said it's the hidden half that's difficult to know the meaning of just on its surface? Well anyway, there's a reason why I said that too.

Besides the fact that it's about my characters, the fact that all of the pictures are sad is because.. um.. because I want to clarify with all of you but still make it hidden and less obvious. Okay, I've been venting and feeling depressed for a while now. And yeah, the slightest thing can ruin my day and make me feel upset, urge me to make vent posts. You know, all that bad stuff. Like even though I can make the most enthusiastic post, I know (you know) that I'm not as truly happy as I used to be. Even still, it feels I'm being fake with my feelings to you. Like, okay this sounds like crap I know, having those sad pictures is like me showing you the truth, like under these happy pretends. That I'm fragile, still in a depressing mood, in a fear of breaking apart one day. Like the sad pictures can be a reminder that I might suddenly make a negative post, vent, whatever.

Haha, that probably doesn't make any sense to you. Except to that one person who slightly truly understands me. Yeah, I don't mind. No, I'm not just not gonna explain all that to the rest of you guys. I'm also tired.

Enough about me, the characters!

They're sad because of, well because of who they are. They really aren't those up-happy, optimistic characters. They're all pretty depressing characters deep down (yes, even Dawn). Sure, they've all had those happy moments that made them feel that they're "on top of the world", but those aren't their permanent feelings. They (well, mainly Fierdan and Twinkle) are huge pessimists. And in the sequels, Fierdan (well, Danny then) is extremely depressed and hysterical. Like the bad kind of hysterical (delusions, hallucinations). Which cause Twinkle (well, Stella then) and Dawn to feel pessimistic and negative as well.

Honestly, this banner is like a preview for after Twinkle's Story (lol that crappy story, amirite? c;). Well, those depressing feelings start towards the end of Twinkle's Story too, I guess. Like with all those deaths and things they've witnessed. *shrugs*

And they (me too) are broken in a ton of ways (like on an emotional aspect for the most part). And as this TEO series goes on, hopefully you'll come to realize that as well.

Oh and the snow basically goes with the top half's meaning. It's winter and the "holiday season". And what other way to display that by putting a snowy background as the base of the banner? (Sorry to those in the southern hemisphere!)

The pictures are connected in that order because they're all related to each other in some way. Like they affect each other. And besides, Dawn separates Fierdan (well, Duke I guess.. I just call him Fierdan now.. even though they're two different characters technically) from Twinkle. And Fierdan was close with Dawn before Twinkle. So that kinda makes sense with the order. 

(Duke) Fierdan is this mysterious character that's stuck in this dark hell (Cincernum) who craves blood. Dawn is this romantic and dramatic plant lover character (idk lol). Twinkle is this sensitive and shy character. And the pictures I used to correspond them with fit them so well.

So that's why I chose the pictures I did. Because they're all sad deep down, and the actions of the people in the pictures go with their personalities.

Sorry I probably sound really confusing to most of you guys. I don't feel like explaining the banner anymore. So just be satisfied with what I typed. Okay thanks.

Farewell, friends. 

sup bruh let's talk about my banner

Hey guys. I made a new banner! Instead of using my Twinkle's Story characters as their wonky-looking AJ avatars, I used them in (anime) human form for this one. But I still wrote their fox names (except Dawn lol.. her name's just Dawn, ok yo). I don't own any of the anime pictures; I found them on Google (same as the background).

However, I did a ton of editing on all the pictures and the banner in general in PicMonkey. (It takes me usually around 2 hours to create a new banner with all them epic PicMonkey edits all over it :D). For this specific banner, it was mostly just changing colors (from blue to black, all the way to gray to red) and organizing the anime pictures onto the banner. The banner background was originally blue, I changed it to black, and all the anime pictures were originally gray, which I changed to have a red hue. I love how adding that red hue effect automatically made the Fierdan pictures have this red/brown/purple hue, the Dawn pictures (only 2 for her) have this brown/purple hue, and the Twinkle pictures have this gray/blue hue. (That's their colors! :0).

Haha, I think I might possibly be that epic PicMonkey banner edits master! Like when I use PicMonkey on my banners, they suddenly become a million times more stunning. :)

And the upper half looks so festive for winter! ^-^

Now since I'm bored, I'm gonna show you guys the swag process of how this new banner came to be! ;)

This was the original banner background.

I edited to black-and-white with a very faint blue hue in the snowflakes.

Adding the Fierdan anime pictures as well as typing "Fierdan" between all of them.

Adding the Dawn anime pictures as well as typing "Dawn" between them.

Adding the Twinkle pictures as well as typing "Twinkle" between all of them.

Adding the title and taglines, and that's the basically the banner! But I decided to edit it even more...

Adding the red hue, editing the brightness/highlights/shadows/saturation/temperature, changing the dimensions, and then that's the banner you currently see on top of the blog (as of 12/12/15).

By the way, yes. All the anime pictures are monochrome ones. (See how they're all sad-looking? ;-;).

If you're new or whatever, check out PicMonkey today! You can make amazing edits (like the one I just showed you in this post *ahem*) for FREE! (How cool is that? :0).

http://www.picmonkey.com/

Bye guys! ☮

(used PicMonkey for this too c;)

Cutepups Support: Look at the Stars

Hello. Cutepups here with the first love/support/care/advise post. So to start this segment, I made a (pretty lousy) poem.

But first, here's a song I was listening to while writing the poem. I got inspired by this song, actually. I love it. <3

"Missing You"~ All Time Low

Listen to this song as you read the poem. If you can, I mean. The lyrics have a swear word in them once.

Alright, alright. My poem!

~*~*~*~

Look at the Stars

Hold on
I know you want to let go
I know it's tough
When all the forces are against you
When the strongest winds are out
And they try to blow you away
Hold on
And never let go

Hold on
I know it's dark
Outside, inside
In your head
I know it's hard
When you feel like your light died
The dark is scary
But please remember
You are more than the darkness

The dark winds only want to
Bring you down
Make you feel hopeless
And everything bad
They are not you
You are not the dark
You are the light
And you always will be

Hold on
Don't let the dark
Swallow up your soul
Face the tiny lights above
Even in the darkest places
Even in the darkest times
There will always be those little rebellious lights
They might be far, far away
From you and I

But even then
Look up at the sky
Look at the lights still shining brightly
Look how they still shine 
Even when everything around them is dark
Look at the stars

You are a star
Hold on
Stand your ground
Be strong
Continue living
You're worth it
Defy the dark
Don't let it consume you
Don't stop shining
Stay alive
Stay bright
Remember that you have a choice
To let the dark overcome you
Like how clouds disappear in the night
Or you could
Still shine in the dark
Not allow the dark to overcome you
Like a star
Hold on tight
Don't change yourself
You are a star

Every storm passes
Be there to see it
I know the winds are strong now
I know it's difficult to find the strength to hold on
But I know you can do it
Keep on fighting
Don't give in
To the dark
Don't lose your fight
To the dark
Because I know that one day
You will defeat the dark
Be there to see it

You might not know me
I might not know you
You might feel lost and confused
In this great big world
You might feel alone
I know how that feels
How much it hurts
But please take me seriously
You are never truly alone
I'll be there for you
If you have no one else to turn to
The stars will always be there for you
And if you let the dark become you
And if you let go
We'll be missing you

Breathe
Look at the stars
And make a wish
Never stop looking
Never stop wishing
Just breathe
And remember to 
Always hold on
Be strong
Stand your ground
And always remember to
Look up at the dark night sky
And to look at the stars.

And if you don't have access to looking at stars in the night sky right now, go to the bottom of my blog. There you can find a large plain area of nothing but the background. And that's where just a few of the stars are. And they're all shining for you. Make a wish, the number of stars is infinite.

Goodbye for now. 

I do not own the song nor the 3 starry pictures. Stay star-gazing, lovelies. :)