it be halloween

Hey, I'm typing this a few minutes before November 1st. Ah geez, it's already November. Time passing by is hecking me up.

So anyway, today- yesterday?- has been Halloween. 

Time for the spooks. Umm yes? Yes.

I feel like this was the first time I actually went out and did something for Halloween since I started blogging. Yeah wow. 

So I went trick or treating with my friend around where she lives. Haha yeah. I haven't trick or treated in quite a few years. Now we have candy, so yay.

But I have two group projects for school due tomorrow (November 1st) so I was busy with work for the projects and homework for most of the time after school. Ugh.. work.. pfft. 

Uh.. what else is relevant? 

In my english class, we watched that Charlie Brown Halloween special. And omg lol, some of the lines these kids say.. damn, aren't they relatable. Wtf I love it. Lmao.

Guys, I have a confession. I'm just like Fierdan. I'm a cruel killer. I.. I...

I killed a bug. 

Wtf lol this project was cruel to bugs. Pfft, for real though.

Idk uh...

How was your Halloween? How was your hecking day, you hecks?

Oh man, I feel so hecked right now. I am tired. 

Good night.

Heck...

~ Cutepups 

oh. darn.

Hi, I'm disappointed in myself lmao.

For the past few days, I've been telling myself to watch the rest of Stranger Things season 2.. but I haven't yet. I've been waiting for it for so long, so I don't know why I'm procrastinating on watching it. Umm, my logic though. (Cutepups never has good logic, smh.)

Same thing goes for coloring and fixing my drawings. I keep on telling myself I'm gonna do that, but then another day has passed and I didn't do those things. 

Excuse me as I scream into the void. :-)

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh! Tomorrow is Halloween! 

I might possibly have plans for once. Ooh yeah, I'm nervous and excited. Oh heck yeah! 

I also told myself that I would post a Halloween skit today. Oh and draw my characters wearing Halloween costumes. But I didn't do that stuff either. So hey, I'm a disappointment.

Now excuse me as I put random things on my mind into this post. :-)

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Whenever I think of Duke and Fierdan now, I can't help but to think of Duke being this wicked merciless demon and Fierdan being this nervous guy that hides in corners.

I just.. yeah lol.

-x-x- 

I have some Dawn poems in mind. 

Dang.. I love her so much. 

-x-x- 

Uh idk lmao...

Dawn: So is your Halloween costume gonna be what Cutepups drew you as in their last post?

Duke: No.

Dawn: That sounds like a definite no.

Duke: That's not gonna be my Halloween costume.

(??? Void TM)

Bob the Blobfish: Uh huh, are you sure about that? ;)

Duke: *panics* Gffghhhgfbvgh, Bob!!! 

Twinkle: *enters room ominously* Haha, you sound like you did in 2014.

Duke: *looks heartbroken as he looks at Twinkle* 

Bob the Blobfish: Ah yes, Duke back at it again. The prepubescent boy.

Duke: You know what, f*ck off. 

Dawn: So what are you being for Halloween?

Duke: Pfft, like I have time for those childish things!

Twinkle: Why is your voice so high pitched?

Duke: For your information, I'll be 18 in a few months. I can be like your legal guardian.

Twinkle: What does that have to do with anything? 

Duke: *suddenly crying* It means I'm old! 

Twinkle: Uh okay, have fun with that. Bye. *leaves* 

Dawn: We all know that Bob the Blobfish is our rightful legal guardian.

Duke: Oh my god. 

Bob the Blobfish: It's because I'm more swag than you.

Duke: ....... *silently leaves* 

Bob the Blobfish: He knows I'm right.

-x-x- 

Uh idk.. something for story 2? What's this? Oh hmm... 

Fierdan: Come on, Dawn, let's go.

Ryen: She's not going.

Fierdan: What do you mean she's not going? I'm bringing her with me! 

Ryen: She doesn't have to go with you.

Fierdan: She's my sister! She also deserves to know.

Ryen: Our sister. She's our sister.

Fierdan: I don't trust you with her. I still have that memory of you doing absolutely nothing! 

Ryen: Stop getting mad over nothing.

Fierdan: Over nothing? Over nothing?! 

Ryen: She's more my sister than she is to you, so just step aside.

Fierdan: Is this about C?

Ryen: We were close to Mother, and you weren't.

Fierdan: Are you seriously isolating me from her because I never knew C? Wow, Ryen, I'm sorry I never got the privilege of knowing Mother before she died! 

Ryen: You've got none of Mom's genes. If she didn't die, she wouldn't recognize you as her child. You're only a younger version of Father.

Fierdan: I'm nothing like him! We both know you're more like him than I ever was! You worked with him, you held me back from saving her, and you didn't do anything to save her yourself. You're the sick one! 

Ryen: Says the one full of meds.

Fierdan: Oh sorry, did you forget again? You worked with Z to make my life hell! You are the direct reason why I'm so f*cked up! 

Ryen: The only connection you have with C is through her giving you the fire EP.

Fierdan: And it was right of her to choose me for it instead of you. 

Ryen: She probably chose you because you remind her too much of Z. That's why she left us.

Fierdan: Don't f*cking compare me to him! 

????? idk. 

-x-x- 

I love C, but I also hate her so much. 

In the past week, my love for Fierdan has doubled. 

It'll make sense. When I write the next chapter. It'll happen. One day.

Spoiler: Fierdan is.. good. That sounds incorrect, but I'll make you realize it's correct. 

Fierdan is my fave lmao bye. 

-x-x-

If you don't love Dawn (best girl), then get out of here. 

Wtf are you doing here then? 

Love her or get out. XD 

-x-x- 

............ Scriptures of Z. ......

God.

Damn.

It.

Z. 

Ahh.

-x-x-

I'm so tired wtf goodbye. 

Uhhhhhfvfgrrghh

Hi. I don't have words. I drew another picture of Duke, and I'm legit terrified of him in this drawing.

This looks so cursed lmao wtf I'm dead now bye.

I had such a deep meaning behind this drawing, but I think that just vanished when I actually went to draw this the other day.

Is this Duke's Halloween costume? You're scary af, drunkie. XD 

Warning: this might kill you because it killed me.

I forgot the writing piece I was gonna write for this. I didn't expect my drawing to turn out this crappy, I'm screaming at myself.

This is like Cursed Content TM. X'D omg i can't 

Uh.. crap.. why did I draw this again? Umm... 

Oh, I think I kinda remember! Haha wtf is this, Cutepups? 

Ok so, here goes. 

I had this image of Demonic Duke stuck in my head while I was bored in school one day. His entire body was a silhouette. Either that, or the psychological darkness of his past and the torture he just endured (idk words?) turned to appear physically. And the only parts of his body that remain colorful are the parts that deeply involve Soulless, Fierdan, and phantoms. 

The meaning of this bad drawing is: His life (light) burned out. He's supposed to die.. well, his humanity died. The only reason he's still alive is because of Soulless and Fierdan.. and those colorful body parts. The purple relates to Soulless and Fierdan, the orange is the fire concealed in his eyes. His left eye is permanent black at this point, but a ring of orange and purple fire is still visible at certain times. So in this drawing, Duke's cursed body parts are the only light he has that's keeping him alive. 

He's not gonna ever look fully physically black/silhouette/like a void in the story. I just made the darkness and the light look physically and less metaphorically and psychologically here. Yeah idk what I'm saying.

Those things on either side of him are from when I felt like drawing and coloring his right and left eyes at full power of fire in his eyes. Well, after he gets all that eye trauma. That's why his left eye is all black. For the top left eye (right side of paper), it's when that ring of orange and purple fire is in his eye. For the bottom left eye (right side of paper), it's when the ring is only purple and a purple flame similar to the one on his chest covers that same eye. Purple fire.. cryptic. 

... I'm not sure if I should make him go fully or partially blind in his left eye. 

And those extra right eyes (left side of paper) have the orange fire concealed in his eyes. His right eye doesn't get as damaged as much. It doesn't turn permanently black like his left eye. So yeah lol umm. 

"He's gone." .... well, that's ominous. Who is the "he"? Who's that person behind him? 

Oh, that's right. The "he" and the person is him. 

The humanized Duke who isn't as messed up and pretty much traumatized left. He's gone.  

Duke being like a legit demon/monster/cursed fusion is scary af. He's scary ok. 

What he does...... oh dang, son.

...........

....

I'm gonna go into the void now. 

I'm feeling like the void.

Huh wtf is this?

Bye.

Good Day

More poetry~

-----------------------------

What is this feeling?

Is it new?

Is it old?

I haven't felt it in so long 

I thought today would

Try to kill me

But look at that irony 

I feel slightly more alive

Well for today at least 

I mean I didn't think about

Death and not wanting to exist anymore

That much today

Well that's a start

A start in the good and right direction 

It's been a good day

I've done good

I've felt good

I am good

I woke up full of anxiety 

I was so scared

Everything didn't feel right

But now the day has almost passed 

I almost feel calm now

Actually calm

So calm that I think that 

I'll be okay

And mean it for real 

After living and feeling like 

Everything is wrong

That everything about me is wrong 

This is different 

I missed this feeling 

I already know it's temporary 

It could vanish when I wake up tomorrow 

Oh but who am I to know what the future holds?  

But in this moment 

I feel right 

Oh but will this good feeling stay?

Probably not 

But I'm gonna embrace it while it's still here

I write poetry when I'm emotional 

I don't tend to write when I'm emotionally happy

So maybe that's why my

Sad poetry is much longer 

I feel sad so much longer and with much more intensity 

Than the times when I'm close to happy 

My happier poems are shorter

Because those feelings tend to only stay for 

A very limited time 

But I'm still holding onto these expired coupons of happiness 

And I'll do whatever it takes

To not let them go away forever

Even though it's hard to find those happiness coupons 

I've got to remember that they're still stuck in there somewhere 

I found them today and I will find them again

Good day

Good night

My Late October Life

Another attempt at personal poetry. This might end up being long. Contains sensitive content. 

<3 <3 <3 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been hard to breathe

Out of my nose

But it's okay

I've gotten used to

Living this way

I've learned that 

My nose can feel stuffed

Even though my nostrils end up being empty 

Just like how my nose can feel inflamed 

When I don't breathe in or breathe out fire 

I read something a girl posted

I relate to it so much

That I thought maybe I wrote it

In my sleep or when I wasn't consciously aware of

My own actions 

At least it made me remember

I'm not the only one

I'm not totally alone in this world

And I got to keep reminding myself that 

For the past few days

I've been looking at posts through a forum 

A site for the mentally broken

Capable of or beyond repair 

It's up to them to decide 

After reading several posts I realized

That maybe when it comes down to it

I am scared of life and what the future brings

But then again who isn't?

That even though I can't see myself

Going on for that much longer

I realized that maybe

Just a big and vague maybe 

I don't actually want to die

I actually love being alive 

Sometimes only at some times 

Even though I've found myself thinking of how

Many ways people can kill themselves

And how easy some of those ways are 

I'm not gonna kill myself 

I'm keeping that promise 

For now or forever 

I realized how toxic everything in life can be

It made me learn that dying is far more easier

Than continuing to live

But I won't give up or give in

I'm going down the harder path

I'm going to continue living

Despite those thoughts idealizing suicide

Running around in my brain

So maybe I'm not the exact definition of

Suicidal

Maybe I just don't want to exist

For a lot of those sometimes 

I also think I have a sleep problem

That I bet I could easily fix

But I know I won't 

Because that's just the way I am 

I lie on my bed nearly all day long

And I place my phone on top of my nightstand

Right after I tuck myself in bed 

In my darkened room 

I don't think I can sleep

For more than five hours at a time

Before suddenly waking up in bed

Only to find it's not 6:00 am

Not even 5:00 am

Because it's a school night 

And I suddenly wake up

After sleeping for five hours 

Then I turn to look at my clock

It doesn't read 4, 5, or 6 am

It reads 2:45 am 

Guess that means I'm made up of

Broken pieces

Fragments

I'm not entirely whole

I've got some missing pieces in me 

My sleep is broken up too

I wake up in the middle of the night 

My sleep is disturbed

My dreams disturb me

I am disturbed 

I sleep a lot

On the weekends at least 

But I'm always tired

I get easily fatigued 

And nobody in my real life really gets that 

She doesn't really understand that staying out in public

Staying in school longer than I'm used to 

For twice the normal amount of time 

In a single day

Worn me down and left me exhausted 

And left me feeling a little sick afterwards

But she did more work than I did

So how could I be so much more tired than her?

Oh I'm a chronic introvert 

Oh I've got some issues that seem chronic

They really started two years ago after all

And got worse and better and worse again

Is living the way I do considered normal?

Or am I actually depressed?

With depression being stamped on my forehead and on the top of the paper 

Because I really don't know anymore 

I don't know anything about myself at all to tell you the truth 

Because sometimes I'm okay and mean it

And a minute or less later I'm thinking 

Horrible things about myself and how I really should stop existing already

That hey why not 

Kill yourself already

Message sent from brain to me 

Poor sleep causes constant tiredness

I don't feel fully alive 

Parts of me are missing

They disappeared

Because they died

Parts of me have died

And I really want to bring them

Back to life 

Anxiety

I feel like I'm on the verge of

Panic attacks every day

Since senior year started

I'm sane

I'm going crazy

Black and white

It's black and white

There's no gray

I have black and white thinking

There technically is a thin strip of gray

But blocks of black and white squish it

Smaller and smaller

Until the gray is nearly gone for good 

I can't handle anything nowadays

I show my anger and irritability easier than ever before

And I've been irritable for a few years now 

I've been swearing way more often

My mind is dirty

My mouth is dirty

Dirty doesn't only mean sexual

I yell at people now

Sometimes I yell without realizing it until it's too late

I care too much

Don't leave me alone

Do you love me?

Do you mean it?

I fear my death 

Depression

Everything is static

I'm disconnected from everything

From others and myself

I look like a child

I'm 17 but I look like I'm 14 

I want to give my boobs away

I want to keep my hair short and not go past a certain length 

There's not much fat on these arms of mine

I don't weigh that much over 100 

Hiding my boobs and not covering my face with makeup

I guess that makes me look more like a child

Than the fact that I would legally be an adult

In less than a year 

I always eat while I'm at lunch in school

But they don't know that I skip meals at home on some days 

I don't look like all the other girls I see 

Maybe I'm not a girl

Maybe I no longer am 

Or maybe I never was

Because I grew up liking feminine things

I was more feminine than my sister 

So I must be a girl

Because boys aren't like that 

I've been too girly to be a boy

But I hated puberty 

I didn't want this

It's not going to be a blessing 

It's only a burden 

Oh I'm sorry

This is more dysphoria than depression

I guess I mixed up my two D's 

There's a chance I'm lacking more D's 

I might be lacking Vitamin D

And of course I don't have a dick 

But I'll admit that I act like one sometimes

And I'm sorry for that 

But I don't think I'm exactly a boy

So what am I?

Who am I?

Oh I really don't know myself at all

I don't care at all

Leave me alone

I know you're lying when you say you love me

Because I remember all those times you yelled at me

And told me that you hate me

So you must hate me

That's the truth 

Love is the lie 

I no longer fear death

I'm not afraid to die

I could die so easily

I could die right now if I really wanted to 

But I can't die right now

I have important things to do tomorrow 

I'm so scared

I find myself not caring at all

And on top of that

I still miss them

They're dead now

I feel empty without them here

I miss them so much

Dying isn't my top fear

Living turns out to be much more frightening than dying early

Life scares me far more now

So I don't fear death that much anymore 

My sister added a note to

Our grandma's birthday card

It was about how she helped my sister 

Out of the dark tunnel

A bad thing happened to my sister earlier this year

The note said our grandma was her light

Who guided her out of the dark tunnel

And then I suddenly remembered that day last summer 

When my sister told me

She had anxiety a lot while she was in grad school

Believe me when I say she had lots of reasons to 

She said she went to counseling at least one time

I'm not that sure about the details 

Being in a dark tunnel reminds me of a metaphor 

For being depressed 

So maybe I'm not that different from her

Maybe if I could ever remove that cold rough exterior

That covers my heart and skull 

She and the rest of them would know that

I actually don't hate them 

But that I'm mentally screwed up

And that maybe 

I'm more similar to my sister than what we thought for so long 

On the other hand there's my brother

I feel like we're growing apart

I feel like we're nothing alike

We are like opposites

It kinda hurts knowing that to tell you the truth

I guess I'm just not like him 

Let me try and explain

He's an extrovert

He has to be around his friends every day

He hates staying at home

And then there's me

I'm an introvert

I don't really have any friends

I like staying at home

I get tired easily and I don't like staying out too long

Not anymore 

He doesn't get anxious

At least not in the ways I do 

For the most part I think I have 

An anxiety and depressive disorder

But whether it's a legitimate disorder for me

That's another unknown right now 

He doesn't really get how social anxiety works

He doesn't really get chronic fatigue

At least from how he acts and what he says when I hear him

In person or on the phone 

He hates how I never start conversations and that I'm awkward

That only makes my possible social anxiety worse

He used to say "autistic" as an insult

I used to have a best friend who has a brother with autism

Being autistic doesn't mean that person is stupid

Autism isn't synonymous with stupidity 

They are still people 

We're all just people

He also loves driving

I'm here still scared and uncomfortable of driving by myself 

And for the last thing I can think of on the top of my head is that 

Several months ago he said some things

Some transphobic and nonbinary-phobic things 

It's funny because I was questioning my gender back then too

And now I'm pretty sure that I fall somewhere under nonbinary

Maybe I'm on the more female side

Or maybe I'm nearly a trans boy but not exactly that

Because I don't feel fully like a girl

I've been thinking that for a while

So if I ever admit some stuff

Would he start hating me even more?

I'm not even sure if he thinks asexuality and aromanticism are real things

I'm not sure if he even knows what those two things are

I fear rejection 

I fear being invalidated 

Maybe that's why I never formally came out mentally or about my orientations yet 

Because I fear that then 

They will have a more valid and supported reason to hate me

I don't want to be hated

Please don't hate me 

So to sum this all up

This is how my life is going 

My late October life 

In 2017 

I was going to include something about my characters 

In this mess of personal writing 

But then I decided to not include that part in

I don't want to distance myself from reality this time

I want to keep this real

This isn't fiction 

This is real 

The real me 

Writing this was hard at some parts

Reading this might have been hard at some parts

I didn't swear in this

But we can both say

This poem is uncensored 

An uncensored version of myself 

Censorships make some things more comfortable for others

Sorry but I'm keeping this real

I'm not censoring myself

If you think I should just censor myself 

I'll be holding two letters up at you

"F" and "U" 

Because I'm not here to make sure you're comfortable 

I'm not here to be fake

Poetry is the only way I can express my true self 

I'm here to be real 

This isn't my fictional story

This is my real life

And to tell you the truth 

I'm sorry all of what I said is real 

Because this isn't a work of fiction

This is a work from reality 

And I tried my very best to not exaggerate while writing these words down 

This is no exaggeration 

This is no fantasy 

This is no joke

I think I'm losing it

I've been struggling

Haha I probably need

Help 

Maybe I really need to get help this time

All these maybes 

Should become certainties instead 

So yeah I guess that's it 

This is the real and uncensored version of me 

For the most part at least 

Some things are best kept in the dark 

Instead of being pushed into the light 

But that shouldn't take away the fact that 

I'm here and I'm real 

And if I'm real 

Then so are you 

Inktober page #3

This third page is a few days late. I forgot/didn't feel motivated enough to finish it on time.

Same rules apply. I quickly and effortlessly drew these. I didn't use any eraser or pencil; I only used my Sharpie. All the drawings are related to Twinkle's Story. ... I really do hate that name, ugh.

About names, I call myself Cutepups on here. Like that's my name, I suppose. Well anyway, I don't think of Cutepups being the words "cute" and "pups" combined. I don't think that anymore. Is that weird? Maybe, yes, I don't know? I think of Cutepups as a completely new word that I made up. It's not about cute puppies, it's just my blogger name. Cutepups. I pronounce it with no pause between the "cute" and the "pups". It's not Cute pups, it's Cutepups. One word. Not two.

Yeah, uh, onto the terrible art! :} 

Days 15 - 28

I don't want to stress out even more by forgetting to include Friday and Saturday on this one. Whatever, it's on there now. Deal with it then lmao.

Day 15: Mysterious

I drew two things for this theme because I couldn't just pick one. On the left side, I drew my very mysterious (and adorable :>) A character. If I ever get to writing another chapter, then you'll know a little more about her then. I keep on drawing her as an adult, but she always looks like a child. Eternal youth.. wow. But she's actually very old at the same time. It's complicated. She's like a pink spirit angel, idk lol. On the right side, I drew C (the original tragedy trio's mother (R, F, D)). I also think she's a very mysterious character. She's not exactly the equivalent to Calliah, who is Duke's mother. C.. I keep on thinking of her being like a goddess. She's not actually a god, but she's just.. a pretty epic character. Explaining would mean that I would have to tell you very heavy spoilers. Oh and she literally is a mystery to Fierdan. He doesn't really go questioning about his mother until what I call story 2 in my mind.

Day 16: Fat

I tried to draw something positive for this one, ok lol. So I drew how I imagine Dawn's father (yet another mysterious character lol). He's, uh, more chubby compared to the other characters. Unlike Z, he's the good father. He's probably the best father out of the main characters' dads. He has dark ginger hair, green eyes, and some freckles. Dawn got her eyes and her hair to be a lighter, very slightly red color from him. Yeah, I imagine Dawn's hair color not exactly being only brown.

Day 17: Graceful

I decided to draw Twinkle from her eerie-yet-romantic dream where she danced in a dress. Yeah.. that dream where fancy-looking Duke showed up with his pure black eyes. Ah yes. They both looked so beautiful in that scene, omg I wish I could actually draw.

Day 18: Filthy

Unlike a character, I drew a place for this one. It's that old Tall Tower's basement. That place.. eesh, that's uncomfortable. It's not a clean and sanitary place, that's for sure. 

Day 19: Cloud

I also drew two things for this theme. On the top, I drew Fauna peeping out from above and behind a large cloud. Because.. well.. that Heaven place is basically in the clouds. I guess? Yeah sure. On the bottom, I drew Fierdan and Fauna looking up at the Jamaa Mist. Fierdan is in his cryptic ghost-like form lol. The Jamaa Mist is this very foggy and dark cloudy boundary between their world and the rest of the world (the human world). 

Day 20: Deep

To be honest, I've also considered drawing this one for the underwater theme. But this theme also fits, so it's fine. It's from what I call season 1 of the story. It's when Duke had that nightmare or "hallucination".. I forgot which one.. where he was underwater and fire was on top of the water. And then he found Twinkle bleeding excessively in a cage. Uh, I'm not sure if this is accurate since I didn't look back at that chapter when I drew this. Maybe Duke was the one in the cage, maybe there was no cage.. I forgot.

Day 21: Furious

For this theme, I drew a furious Fierdan. It's when he's a very cursed and angry dude lol. For context, this happened after he yelled, "... Zios threw our lives away and left us to die!" at Dawn. After he said that, he threw black fire at her. So that's when it happened. Smh, bad decisions, fire boy df. 

Day 22: Trail

I drew the forest trail from central town to Dawn's territory and the beach. Central town, town square.. same thing. Middle of town to edge of town. Basically.

Day 23: Juicy

Well, umm, I didn't really know what to draw. The only thing I could think of for juicy was to draw the end parts of the torture arc. Which is, honestly, very brutal and graphic. Wow, what a mind I have. So instead of being normal and drawing a glass of apple juice (or any fruit or vegetable), I drew Demonic Duke (what a savage) paying back on Taurel for doing so many cruel things to him. If Duke at this point in the story is human, he would have died. But he's not exactly human anymore. He's more demon/monster at this point. Oh and his body is mostly broken by the end of the torture arc, and yet here he goes doing this sadistic crap. So anyway, I drew Duke tearing off part of Taurel's skin on his shoulder with his teeth. It's "juicy" because Taurel took lots of Duke's blood (how is Duke even alive omg.. he's gonna die soon after though lol) and would say it's delicious and other fvcked up things. Maybe Taurel is a vampire. Maybe he turned Duke into a vampire. Idk lmao. Duke basically does the same things Taurel did to him. Graphic warning for that stuff.. hehe. >;) 

Day 24: Blind

I drew Fauna because she was blind before she went to that Heaven place. It's hard to draw and color eyes to look blurry and blind, so they look like Duke's pure black eyes. Nope, she doesn't get those black eyes. The black eyes is a Duke thing, not a Fauna thing. Ok lol.

Day 25: Ship

I just drew a boat that says "SHIP" and that shrug keyboard face on it. There are no ships/boats in the story.

Day 26: Squeak

I didn't know what to draw for this one. I just drew a mouse spinning on a wheel in a cage. I don't know if I could include that in the story universe. Maybe it can be someone's pet. Like, uh, in the human world. Yeah idk lol.

Day 27: Climb

I gave up on drawing for 27 and 28, can you tell? I drew Duke and Twinkle climbing up the stairs of the Tall Tower. (that season 1 stuff though).. yikes.

Day 28: Fall

Continuing from Day 27, I drew Twinkle nearly falling from missing a step. I don't remember that much season 1 stuff (which is basically the beginning of the story to the first time Duke and Dawn are alone and everything is very uncomfortable and seems sensual af.. wtf was 2015 me thinking?!). Anyway, I think Duke caught her before she (Twinkle) could actually fall. I couldn't think of anything else to draw, so there's something. Take it. Accept it. Accept me. Umm.. ok.

Yikes, it's late. Bye. 

~ Cutepups 

Fragmented Poetry (what is this)

I randomly thought of some bad poetry this morning.

To me, it looks broken. Fragmented.

What is this? What kind of poetry is this?

I'm not sure.

Beware- I have negativity. :}

It's not that bad though, don't worry. Not like anyone will, hahaa.

<3 <3 <3 ~~~~~~~

I don't deserve to live.
I don't deserve.
I don't.
I.
Deserve.
To live.
Don't.
I deserve.
I deserve to live.
Live.

I shouldn't be alive.
I shouldn't.
Be alive.
Alive.

There's no point in staying alive.
There's no point.
No point.
No point in staying alive.
No.
There's a point.
In staying alive.
Staying alive.
Stay living.
Stay alive.

I'm no longer alive because I'm dead.
I'm no longer alive.
Because I'm dead.
No longer.
Because.
I'm alive.
I'm no longer dead.

I don't need your help.
I don't.
Need.
Don't need.
Your help.
Help.
I need your help.

------------------------

I'll be back soon. :')

~ Cutepups

so tired.

Hey. Gonna list some things on my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tomorrow is gonna be such a long day. I probably won't make a new post. I shouldn't even be making new posts, but I still do.

-x-x-

I'm scared of updating the iOS. The only way I can show pictures of my art is through using the Blogger app, which I only have on my iPad now. I can still make posts on my phone, but I can't put pictures I took into the actual posts if I type up posts on the site and not the app.

Well anyway, the point is that when I update it, this app won't be functional anymore. 

So, haha, that's great. :-)

Why the hell do I still post on this blog? I hate the blog name so much now. I guess I'm just not motivated enough to start a new blog. 

-x-x-

I haven't really mentioned it before, but another reason why I've been so scared of this month is because I'm taking the ACT on Saturday. If you don't know what that is, it's another standardized test that's like the SAT.

I was talking to my friend a few hours ago, and I was like, "Part of me is stressing out like crazy since it's also my last chance too. But at the same time, another large part of me doesn't care at all."

And she said something like, "How can you not care?"

Yeah uh heh. Anyway, I feel so freaking disconnected from everyone irl.

Everyone who knows and talks to me irl asks me stuff like, "Why don't you care?", "How do you not care?", or "Do you even care about anything?".

Lmao, I'm sorry? I just don't care anymore. I don't care.

I'm too tired to show I care. 

Underneath my exterior, I feel like I'm about to explode.

The funny thing is, I care too much.

-x-x-

I'm way too freaking tired to pretend that I can show happiness when I really hate being alive.

Sorry, it's late, I sleep a lot but I feel sleep deprived. The words I'm typing probably don't make any sense. I'm sorry.

I swear it feels like everyone around me irl hates me to some degree for being such a quiet, closed off person.

Sorry I can't be fvcking optimistic. Sorry I want to fvcking die more than ever. So fvcking sorry.

I'm way too tired to be "fake" and look and act happy. It's hard to look and act happy when most of the time I'm not happy.

Screw this, I'm not checking for grammatical errors. 

-x-x-

It's also great having family members just make me feel worse. 

Who am I to say that though? I'm so rude to them.

But like.. it's great having your mind tell you that everyone lies when they say they love you. That everyone hates you.

Sorry. I'm another person like that. Not too original, oh well.

But to the two or three people that say nice things about me, thank you. They probably won't even see this.. at least not right away.

I honestly feel like their words are saving me nowadays. Everything is so bad, but they say and make me feel good.

I don't know why they say I'm a good person. I'm really not. I'm a bad piece of crap that's a bad excuse of a human teenager. I'm not just a bad human, but a bad teen at that. Just.. idk.. I hate myself lol.

The more time passes, the more I want to not exist. Oops lol.

-x-x-

Stop saying I'm good and pure. 

I'm not.

I'm no angel. 

I've done things I shouldn't have.

I've been desperate for distractions from all these thoughts that are basically begging me to have a breakdown or worse.

Desperate for anything. Even if I knew that stuff would harm me.

For what I plan on writing about and for what my eyes have seen, I'm not a good and pure person.

I'm just filth now, I guess. 

Can't really go back to before. Can't be cleaned.

I'm no good.

-x-x- 

The dreams I said I would post about? Well uh, I don't think I want to do that anymore.

It's not that I forgot them. I remember them.

I just.. idk.. don't feel comfortable posting about that stuff. 

It's not that.. nice of content. It's bad and messed up. 

Death and grief and occasionally suicide are involved in them. 

Doesn't really make sense either.

So, eh, there are probably more things to add to the list of things wrong with me. 

-x-x-

I want to draw more Dukes. I have many drawing ideas of him stuck in my head.

Stop it, Duke. Let me draw the other characters for a change. Geez. 

-x-x-

Lmao I really should get help for my mental mess.

And not lie like I did last time.

Haha, that would be great. 

I just.. had to lie. 

Way to blow it, me. God damn it.

I used to not understand when they would say the symptoms of such-and-such have to significantly damage your quality of life. Like, I really didn't get that. But now, I understand what that means. I get it now. 

And that's me. Whatever the hell is wrong with me.. hmm.. it's probably disturbing my quality of life for the worst. 

In 2015, I wrote artsy poems about death. In 2017, I grew too tired and careless to be artsy about it. Can't bother to put it artsy that I fvcking hate so many things about myself and who I am as a person, and that I want to die even though I'm "young" and "have my whole future" and all that other kind of crap.

I doubt I would end up genuinely happy with anything at this point. Nothing really has so far, so what's the point?

By that, I really mean college major and career. 

Yeah, idk man. Nothing satisfies me. Nothing feels like a perfect fit. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I never did. 

I know I've been giving off the vibe that I'm happy because I'm posting more positively and longer on my posts about my cursed story content.

But here's the thing. Doing that is the only thing that really interests me in staying alive right now. Without working on continuing and fixing this story, I don't really know what else I have that would genuinely make me interested in continuing to live. It gives me a sense of purpose. Alright, okay, got that?

Without it, I feel like I'm basically nothing.

Lmao that sounds very toxic, Cutepups. 

Jfc I'm so done with life at this point. I honestly don't fvcking care that I'm only 17 and have a life ahead of me. 

Life won't get better. It's always been crap, and it's only getting worse. And one day, it's gonna kill me. 

I hate thinking about my future. I hate thinking of college/s. I hate thinking of having to get a job one day. I hate thinking of senior year. I hate thinking of graduation. I hate thinking.

Everyone's gonna have their friends and family cheer for them, and there would just be silence compared to their loudness when it's my turn. 

I saw it coming. I had it coming. Since day one.

Fvcking hell. 

Bye.

short skit :)

[They're back in the big house or wherever they usually are. Twinkle enters a room and finds Duke doing, uhhhhhhh....]

Twinkle: *sighs deeply annoyed* What the hell are you doing? Did you get drunk again, drunkie?

Duke: For your information, coffee doesn't have alcohol in it. *takes a long sip of coffee from the coffee cup he's holding in his right hand*

Twinkle: Caffeine might as well be alcohol for you.

Duke: *pauses, stares at coffee in the cup* Oh, this isn't decaf.

Twinkle: *smirks* Cool, I'm right.

Duke: What? *shrugs and continues doing whatever he was doing before*

Twinkle: Why are you even drinking coffee and twer--?

Duke: *interrupts Twinkle* A told me to.

Twinkle: A? 

[Suddenly, Fierdan bursts in the room. He appears to be very jittery. What the heck, Fierdan?]

Fierdan: *shouts* I heard someone mention A!

Twinkle: *totally confused* What is with the letter A?

Duke: Oh, you know A too, Fierdan?

Fierdan: *looks like he's about to cry?* A, A, A, A, A, A... what was her name?!

Duke: I think you're thinking of another A.

Twinkle: Can someone tell me who A is?

Duke: Well, the A I'm talking about requested me to do what I was doing in a skit. 

Twinkle: Oh, uh, okay. What's Fierdan talking about then?

Fierdan: *looks at Twinkle and Duke, wild-eyed* A!

Duke: *grumbles and goes up to Fierdan* Who the hell is A?

Fierdan: *points a finger at Duke and pokes the center of his chest, causing Duke to step back* A is the questions and the answers.

Duke: The heck is that supposed to mean?

Fierdan: The girl.. A.. she opened my mind.

Twinkle: The heck?

Fierdan: Everything.. everything I knew was a lie.

Duke: We don't have time to make a deep skit.

Twinkle: Look, I'm in a rush here. Get to the point, Fierdan.

Fierdan: Nobody.. nobody...

Twinkle: And?

Fierdan: Died. Nobody ever truly died.

Duke: You're not making any sense.

Fierdan: *has a quiet voice now?* Everything in that damned world was a manipulation. Nothing was real. 

Duke: I thought the pain was real.

Fierdan: It was. The concepts of dying and death weren't exactly.

Twinkle: What does this have to do with A?

Fierdan: A, she was the one who told me. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Twinkle: Umm, I'm still confused.

Duke: So am I.

Fierdan: *his voice is barely audible* Living and dying is only a game. The world was just a set of manipulations to challenge the players. It was only a game. The mind manipulation game. Duke and I had to defeat the evil, so we could all win and be freed.

Duke: What are you even saying, dude?

Twinkle: Oh.. okay. I don't understand a word you're saying, Fierdan. But good job, I guess?

Fierdan: *speaking louder than before* Oh.. okay.

------------

?????????

So confusing.

The Mind Manipulation Game.

Coming soon.

Maybe.

It's one of those "based on future story scenes" I have in mind.

Yeah.

It gets very confusing. 

Fierdan, A, ???.

???????

~ Cutepups

Duke and Ardere stuff from previous chapters + other story stuff

Sorry for the spam of Duke posts, it's just that.. I...

The more I think about Duke's character, the more I love him. Skit Duke is very different from what'll happen to Duke in the story. Story Duke.. geez, he needs a hug. Because I keep on making his life worse, haha. So much pain, ahh. 

Sorry to anyone who is annoyed at me for posting about Duke so much. I love him so freaking much. I like making fun of him in my skits because he's such a fool in those. But like, in the story, I get defensive over anyone genuinely insulting him (not including my other characters though, haha) because Duke is my tragedy fire boy 2.0 (Fierdan is the original 1.0 of course).

Oh and about Fierdan, I finally have a clearer reason behind certain story stuff. And now.. geez.. I freaking love Fierdan so much. These mind games, man. Fierdan also needs hugs. Haha, I'm so cruel to Duke and Fierdan. I'm sorry, boys. I love you so much, haha aww.

If I have enough time to, I'll post the story poem about the reason. I'm hoping to write about it in Chapter 76 in Fierdan's POV at some point. Wow, his POV is gonna destroy me.

My heckling mind: If I see anyone shipping Fierdan/Danny with the mysterious A girl character after they read the poem/chapter, all my hecking hecks are going to attack. Doing that is very bad. Please, like, don't. Umm.. Fierdan and A.. it's complicated. Oh and no, it's nothing like how it is with Dawn. 

The A character isn't my foolish friend. She isn't you, fool. A is the mysterious girl. Who is she? Oh, she's the girl. Haha yes wtf I love her. Fierdan keeps on thinking about her in Chapter 76, and she leaves him Shook TM.

The A girl was what the A name poll was about. About what her name should be. So whatever name won would be her name. Yep, that's nice.

Oops, I'm getting distracted from the main topic of this post. One more thing.

The screaming videos from last post also fit how I imagine Duke screaming in this chapter: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/03/twinkle-story-chapter-63.html

"Ardere sends out another lightning bolt. It zaps out the small fire. 

I stare at it. I suddenly get the thought of something happening to Ardere that causes my demise. 

The demise of Duke. The death of me. Of who I once was. 

Then I think of that dream again. 

I stand at the edge of the cliff and scream at the top of my lungs."- Duke's POV in Chapter 63 

Duke doesn't scream for no reason. Duke and I just didn't directly state the reason why or what caused him to. 

All the other characters except Dawn think he's doing it because who knows what the hell Duke's up to. I also think you readers think he screamed because he's being like that stupid funny skit Duke.

 

In that chapter, Duke saw a vision of a nightmare in his mind. Which is foreshadowing. And he's screaming in horror. And, well, it's basically about the deaths of them. How Duke unintentionally led Ardere to his death, how Ardere dies, and how Ardere's death kills Duke and leads to the death of how he was before.

Dawn thought Duke was screaming like that because of the parallel between him and Fierdan. And around that time, Fierdan is screaming and being horrified because he's getting memories about his Pre-Fierdan self. Those human world memories. Lots of effed up things happened. Dawn doesn't know all the human world memories, but now Fierdan knows some things that Dawn doesn't know about. They're, uh, very bad things. Effed up childhoods. Effed up means fvcked up. 

Hmm, the screaming videos also remind me of what I imagine Duke sounding like when he hears the gunshots and then realizes that Ardere died.

It's plenty of angst, but it's necessary. I can't really explain why, but it is. Ardere, well, he has to die. It makes me sad, but it has to be done. There are reasons for it.

Well haha, as long as I don't write Chapter 76 and Chapter 77, he won't die. Me not writing is keeping him alive.

My computer is broken, so I can't really write new chapters anyway. I don't feel like typing on the iPad is a good idea. I don't trust it. 

I really want to write Chapter 76 though. So maybe I'll write parts of it in separate posts. But ugh, I don't like that idea.

In 2015, I said this story would get very sad and full of the feels at some point. I said the story would get very violent later on.

And well, I'm at that point in the story. There's lots of violence; there's lots of angst. 

Ok so maybe I was saying that as a joke in 2014. But if you think I always meant that as a joke, then you've got to be kidding me. 

Story =/= Skit. The story gets dark. I feel kinda weird if younger siblings read the full story with their parents. Honestly, I'd rate it ages teen up (13, 14+). 

Like, for real though.

Fierdan going into detail about Soulless possessing, manipulating, and abusing him. Fierdan breaking bodies, burning bodies. Fierdan having killed people. The reasons Fierdan killed his father (and he only got valid reasons on why when he got his human memories back).

Danny, Ryen, and Dawn during the Pre-Fierdan time period. Dawn's life. What they had to go through. What Z made them do. What Z did to them. The different abuses. Just.. Dawn.

The killings. The deaths. The fights. The violence, the gore, the body horror. 

Characters that you know kill other characters that you know. Fierdan isn't the only killer. Characters die. Way more than one. Ardere isn't the only character that'll die. Most of the characters will die.

The dehumanizing.. and not only because they call humans, foxes. Characters being told by adults that they are allowed to hurt them (Dawn and Duke) because they're not valid enough to be considered children. But when the bad messed up stuff happens to them, they are children. They're both under 18. Because of how Dawn and Duke exist, they're called worse beings that don't deserve human decency, that they shouldn't have ever existed, and that they're monsters. Dawn can't control who her parents were, and Duke can't control how the fusion of Fierdan and Soulless became him. Dawn and Duke get treated like crap because these adults won't see them as children when they literally are just that. 

Duke going into detail about abuse, self harm, and suicide attempts.

.... uh, this is getting long. But like, that content is gonna happen for real in the story. It's very messed up. Doesn't seem to be all that child-friendly happy story content.

There are reasons why Duke was like that. 

Lmao I should put mature filters for going into depth about Duke, Dawn, Fierdan, and Ryen's pasts. Especially the first three. 

Uh.. where was I going with this post? Oh hmm...

Oh, Chapter 63! Now let me talk about Sparkle and Finny for a moment.

Finny must have influenced Sparkle's thinking. Because like.. Chapter 63 and Chapter 75. 

In Chapter 63, Sparkle views Duke as being equal, if not worse, than Fierdan. She hates him and doesn't view him as being related to her by family anymore. She thinks that Duke being captured and tortured is a must that has to happen. That it'll teach Fierdan a lesson.

In Chapter 75, Sparkle and Duke meet in person after not seeing each other for several months. This is basically the first time in the entire story that they're shown talking to each other. The other time was in the beginning of the story when it's only through the eyes of Twinkle who doesn't really know Duke and Sparkle that well. Until Chapter 75, we only know about how Duke and Sparkle get along is from Duke telling Twinkle certain things about that. While in school, Duke and Sparkle were seen as friends; two people in the cool kids group. When the concept of Duke being deeply connected to Fierdan comes into the picture, that bond breaks. Sparkle hates Duke now. Just like how she devalued Twinkle as another person worthy of respect while they were all in school, she's devaluing Duke now. Well anyway, Sparkle is begging desperately to Duke and Dawn that Duke isn't really connected to Fierdan even though he really is. Sparkle wants it all to be a bad dream, just a lie. But Dawn and Duke tell her that he's Fierdan. That that's the truth. Sparkle reveals that she's only been sticking with Taurel and Risak because she thinks they can help save Duke from Fierdan. As if Fierdan is totally separate from Duke. But the thing is, they aren't. Duke and Fierdan are connected. Duke's existence is a part of Fierdan that he (Fierdan) lacks.

So, onto more Duke and Ardere content from previous chapters. (Finally!)

"I'll do my best to protect you. I don't know what it is, but there is something about you. It's as if I want to be your brother. I want to keep you safe. I don't want you to be hurt by my actions as well. I don't know what I'll do if I caused you to be harmed in any way. I'll do anything to make sure you're safe from your father. I promise you, Ardere."- Duke thinking about Ardere in Chapter 63. 

"I can only see the black of his shirt. This has got to be the tightest hug I've ever been given. In a raspy voice, he says, "It'll be okay. I p-promise." "No, don't go anywhere. Just stay here. Don't leave me." Except if only it has happened. Duke knows we share a bond. Does he see me as a brother? A close friend? I brace myself for the tight hug. I try to wrap my arms around him but it's hard for me to. I only just realized that he is trembling. It haunts me how much Duke feels like only skin and bones. I decide to just leave my arms down at my sides. "I won't let them hurt you. I'll surrender my life before they can do anything to you," I hear him say. He only replies by saying, "I'll protect you with my life. I'll do my best to make sure you don't die because of me." "Worry? It's okay to feel fear. I'll make sure you will remain safe, my wolf brother. If they want you that badly, then they will have to go through me first." "No, not exactly. It symbolizes something. Something bad. I don't want to change into something even more bad. I don't want to turn into a phantom demon." Was the amber always that intense? "I don't want to die, Ardere.""- Duke talking to Ardere in Ardere's POV in Chapter 65. 

In Chapter 65, Duke is still horrified by his vision of Ardere's death. And he's saying he'll do whatever he can to prevent that from ever happening.. and he fails. Duke knows that the lightning zapping out the fire symbolizes that. And that's what he's so terrified of.

"Ardere has a smile on his face. Maybe that's why I love him so much. He has a smile that lights up his entire face. He has a troubled life too, and yet here he is still trying to be as positive as he can be. He's a sweet little kid; his eyes are even the same color as warm honey. Ardere reminds me of Junior, that kid who I played darts with in a hospital game room, so much. I wonder how that boy is doing. And strangely enough, Ardere also reminds me of human child Fierdan. Who would have expected that such a cute and happy boy who loved colors would turn into a murderous and pain-loving monster who only knew the color black? The more cute and innocent someone is being forced to have their life change for the worst forever, the more cruel and messed up they become."- Duke's POV in Chapter 66.

""Yeah, she's right. When we first entered that forest, you were getting on my nerves. When we exited it, however, I'm not afraid to admit that I fell in love with you like a little brother. Your happiness has dripped down onto me, and I'm grateful for that. It was like you were the first person I ever spoke to who actually understood certain things. To hate your body, who you are; to have a complicated life regarding your parents. I called myself a freak so many times, but you said that wasn't true every time I said it.""- Duke talking to Ardere in Ardere's POV in Chapter 66. 

Chapter 65: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/03/twinkle-story-chapter-65.html

Chapter 66: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/03/twinkle-story-chapter-66.html

Chapter 73: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/04/twinkles-story-chapter-73.html

"Every person dies by getting killed. The only difference is how. Will it be because of weapons, or will it be because of time?

People can die emotionally over and over again, and yet they can still be considered alive. However, people get killed when they physically die in one way or another.

You and me, Duke. We will die for each other. Which one do you choose? What's our fate?

Which one of us will die physically, and which one will die emotionally? 

I wonder which one is more painful.

I shake my head and stand up after Duke. The iris of his left eye turns amber again as he smiles at me. "I love you like the brother I never had," we say at the same time."- Ardere's POV in Chapter 73.

See? I have all that good Duke and Ardere content. :') <3 ;-;

Oh and I also love how I imagine Fierdan sounding when he says these lines when he's mad and yelling. I just love how I hear his voice in my head. Especially at these parts. His voice.. umm, yes. 

""Father taught me that people's lives are meaningless. People live only to die. You sure are one to talk. Zios threw our lives away and left us to die!""- Fierdan talking to Dawn in Dawn's flashback in Chapter 69.

I also love how I imagine hearing Dawn's desperation during that part of the chapter. Her voice, her emotions.. umm, yes. 

Bless their voices. I love how they sound in my head. Haha yeah. <3 

For example, Dawn talking to Fierdan during the same flashback in Chapter 69: "Zios is dead! Your father is dead! D-e-a-d dead." I take a deep breath before saying, "Do lives of people mean absolutely nothing to you? Are people worth nothing? Lives have value, Fierdan! You can't just continue throwing people's lives away!"

Yes, girl! Stand up to creepy corrupted Fierdan. Dawn, you're doing amazing, sweetie. 

For Fierdan's dialogue at that part, I imagine Fierdan sounding cold and quiet for most of it. But then he yells at Dawn when he says, "and left us to die!" When he says that, he doesn't sound quiet and cold. He's full of anger and hatred when he says it. Lots of raging emotions. 

I also imagine Fierdan's voice going from vicious and cold to yelling fiery rage in Chapter 70 at this part in the Anonymous POV (Ryen POV): "You hated our father so much, but I ended up the one hating him more. I did what Soulless wanted me to do for so many years. It abused me physically and mentally until I wanted to kill him myself. It made me kill many people. I'm obviously not a damn human, stupid. I lost my humanity a long time ago, and it's your fault. It's more your fault than father's!"

Fierdan's yelling voice. Scary, unlike the quiet scared voice he usually has like when he's in Cincernum. Anyway, I love his voice. Dang son, you are my beautiful boy.

Fire df boy has a hot voice? Mm yes. 

I was typing this post for three hours. Wow, it's a long post. Haha yikes.

I gotta reveal everything in my posts now because I don't know if I'll live to next week. I don't know if I'll survive next weekend. Life is killing me; I'm practically killing myself. 

Ahh...

Bye. ^-^

~ Cutepups

Tortured Screams (refs idk)

Hi. I'm mean to my characters. I'm cruel to Duke. Hi, I'm back. :)

I don't really know how to show references for how I imagine hearing Duke screaming while being tortured (an example is from that Eye Examination writing thing I posted).

So then I went on YouTube. All I could think of that could be the most similar to how I hear Duke during these painful scenes is through anime.

(Omg Cutepups, stop being such a weeb lmao.)

These screams from anime are the best video refs I can find. But then again. I didn't look very far.

Oh and the audios might make your ears and throat kinda hurt. They kinda hurt for me now. Probably due to the fact I replayed these videos many times. Ha, ha.

Blood and gore warning for the videos. They get.. violent.

Oh yes. This is how I imagine Duke sounding like. Hear the pain. >;)

(Why are you like this, Cutepups? What is wrong with you? Pfft.)

Alright, alright. Gonna show the videos now.

----------------------

The parts starting at 2:49 and at 2:58. 

Oh yes. Fun~! :'D ;^) :•) <3 

Wtf lmao of course gotta include Tokyo Ghoul. Suffering is a must, haven't you heard? 

Duke's eyes (his left a lot more though) getting stabbed repeatedly by a bug that produces electricity at its stinger is only the beginning. Taurel does much worse stuff than just that. 

I've been thinking of Duke torture scenes since 2015 lmao. Modified them a lot better this year. Made the characters involved a lot better too. There's way more character development now than whatever I would've put if I wrote the torture scenes in 2015. 

I love planning out the killing, post-death, fight, and torture scenes so much, you guys don't understand how much. 

The death scenes (spoiler alert- Ardere is gonna die; more characters as well) are cruel, but they're so important to the plot continuing and then the story themes and characters' realizations kick in. 

It's hard to explain, I'm sorry. 

To sum it up, it goes like this: 

Duke said he wanted to protect Ardere and make sure none of his friends get hurt because of Fierdan and Soulless being huge and dangerous parts of his identity. 

Duke breaks that promise by having Taurel and Risak (the others don't really matter) on the search for  him, the Duke Fierdan. 

Duke doesn't necessarily hurt Ardere (or Dawn either), but he obviously failed his vow to keep them safe and not get hurt because of who he is. Taurel and Risak are there to hunt down Duke because he's like the new Fierdan. 

I'm pretty sure I made Duke say that he'd rather die if that'll mean keeping Ardere alive. 

And like.. Ardere is so pure and good. Ardere made Duke happier at least a little bit, just like how Finny made Duke happy. And well, there's a chance that Finny is also going to die but much later in the story. 

In other words, Ardere and Finny are parallels in the way that they both save Duke from that darkness and negativity being around him (family issues) and inside of himself. They're both bright and happy people that have cheered Duke up by them being good distractions to him. 

Ardere and Finny are the lights in the dark. In some ways, they might as well be Duke's life saviors.

After Ardere dies, there's gonna be a detailed scene where Duke talks (while crying, laughing, screaming, being hysterical) to someone (not like a proper conversation though) about his messed up past. About how his parents would always be fighting, how his mother hated him being alive and would abuse him verbally and physically, how his memories of his father weren't even that accurate and that he was glorifying his father, how he had an aunt and uncle who were the only people in his life that made him happy but only to have them die by fire or from suicide, how he always knew the flame on his heart is a burden so he would physically harm himself from a young age, how he was depressed and would self harm a few years previous to the year the story takes place in, how he grew up learning and doing bad coping skills to cope with all the terrible crap that happened in his life, and how he pretty much has a history of suicide also because of how he was very close to attempting suicide several times. And for most of those things, they're before Finny enters his life. 

So having Ardere and Finny suddenly die, well, it freaking breaks Duke. Without them, his positive influences are gone. They made him want to stay alive; they made him feel happiness when nobody and nothing else could. 

And so without Ardere, Duke changes for the worst. Duke views Ardere as all good people he knew in his life. So to him, Ardere is like another Finny from the months before when they would hang out together and be best friends. And Ardere is also like Pre-Fierdan to him. Pre-Fierdan was so pure and sweet.. geez, I love little kid Danny so freaking much. 

Duke being forced to acknowledge that he ended up lying to Ardere due to the fact that he gets killed without being able to save him, breaks Duke apart. That's the beginning of the torture arc. It starts with emotional torture. 

Ardere said to himself that Duke would die physically or emotionally, and that he would die the way that Duke doesn't. So.. Duke dies emotionally. Ardere dies physically. Both change them from before the events. They can't go back to how things went before. 

So by the time Finny dies, Duke is too tired to even make a dramatic emotional crying scene over it. By that point, Duke witnessed enough deaths. He's just too numb to care. But having Finny dead also brings great pain and grief to Duke. He just doesn't show it as externally. Oh and by that point, Duke is basically being consumed by Soulless and he's more of a demon than any equivalent to a human. Duke is also pretty much traumatized. 

So yeah. 

Things get painful.

Bye. <3 

oh right it's after midnight

Which means I'll talk about yesterday. Friday.

The day felt like a Saturday and a Monday at the same time. Yeah.. what.. ??

I won't be online next Saturday. I'm dead one way or another. That's the real tea.

Today isn't going to be much better. Yeah man, life sucks. Being alive is a weird type of struggle.

I'm so overwhelmed and have a lot of anxiety and I'm such a cold person who is way too sensitive... and, and, and-- 

I'm tired of nearly literally everything. 

I keep on having unpleasant dreams whenever I fall asleep. I might post about the most detailed one I had a few days ago. Heh.. bad content. It's so messed up.

I want to post about Eye Examination for a little bit now though. 

I think it's funny and strange that nobody pointed out that I wrote that Taurel has a left hand in that. Since, well, he chopped that hand of his off. And well, he will have a left hand when that scene rolls around. Explaining is complicated. Weird damn hand. It's damaging, haha ahh.

While I was in school on Friday, I kept on daydreaming about Duke in that scene and other parts of what I like to call the "torture and loss of sanity/humanity arc".

My thoughts about Duke.. wow, how pleasant. Pfft. They are compared to what I think about when it comes to real life things. Haha.. dang it, Cutepups. Stop this.

Thinking about what his eyes go through (especially his left one) makes my eyes hurt. It's so painful having that happen to your eyes. Geez ow what the hell. 

I think it like this: A small sharp knife. But instead of a knife, it's an insect that's like a large firefly. Add on a huge stinger to the rear end of the insect. From that, electricity comes out as well as the bug's natural light. And this electric stinger is inserted into Duke's left eye repeatedly. Oh and unlike that writing piece, it ends up happening for more than just one day. The more times this happens, the deeper the artificially modified insect goes in his eye.

Ah yes. Pain. Starting to talk about torture stuff is making me excited. That's only the beginning lmao.

What else...

I think of the haircut parallel being very important. Parallel between Twinkle and Duke. Couldn't be more opposite. Twinkle wanted to cut her hair, so she liked doing that. Duke doesn't cut his hair, someone else does. And it's forced. He desperately doesn't want his hair to be cut and shaved. Especially for certain reasons. Talk about Twinkle and Duke growing apart, lmao.

Thinking about the Duke haircut scene pains me. It makes me feel things. Oh, what's this? I'm haunted.

Oh and I was also imagining how Duke would sound like in the beginning of the torture arc (an example being in Eye Examination). I hear it in a weirdly very specific way. 

To clarify (or not, idk), I don't imagine those screams sounding anything similar to any other time Duke screamed before. Because it's like.. actual physical torture. 

There aren't any words. When the tool of torture comes in contact with Duke's body or when it's hold right in front of Duke's face, I imagine Duke's voice going painfully way higher pitch. There's also this weird, something that's vaguely like "clearing a throat" sound going on when that happens. It's like screaming, shrieking, and crying all combined.

Yeah, I think that's specific. Dang, I kinda wish I could know where and how I could post how I imagine Duke sounding in those scenes. That'll be a weird thing to search up, huh.

Oh, is this stuff making you uncomfortable? Are you scared? What do you expect from me? It's October, the scariest month of the year.

And for this year, that's definitely a fact.

I'm so scared. Help me. 

But real life is much more complicated than even a complex story. I'll always prefer pain in fiction than pain in the real world. 

Talking about the pains my characters go through is much easier than doing that about myself. Doing it with my characters makes me much more happier than doing it about myself. 

Duke is one of my favorite characters to play with to vent. He's perfect, wtf.

I want to use him for a vent piece. Oops haha.

I might as well be dead by this time next week. 

Despite it all, he's a reason I'm still alive when my mind is obsessing over death.

Funny stupid fool. Mysterious unstable @sshole. Tragedy messed up boy. Ticking bomb. ... that's all Duke. Umm true.

The writing pieces I'm gonna post soon are gonna be confusing. For both my story related ones, and for my personal self poems.

Yeah uh...

Bye. :'-)

Eye Examination (art wip)

For the past hour and a half, I started working on a new art wip (work in process). It's the drawing version of the Eye Examination post from a few days ago.

So now I have a writing version and an art version. (I might do this for all my "based on future story scenes" posts.)

Here's the context for the Eye Examination: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/10/eye-examination-based-on-future-story.html 

And here's the art wip:

I drew the chair and Duke first, and I got too tired of drawing by the time I went to drawing Taurel.

Yeah umm, I'm too tired to fix Taurel right now. School's tomorrow, too.. ugh. His legs are bent, so his face can be eye level with Duke. I'm still indecisive on how to draw his hair. Taurel is staring at Duke's eyes.. psst, he's a creep. He's also holding a syringe filled with who knows what but it's bad. 

Right now, I actually like how I drew the chair and Duke sitting in it being horrified and chained up. His legs though.. mm boi. His left arm isn't visible from this angle. The bottom of his right arm is blocked from view by the chair's armrest and the chains from the chair and from the cuffs around his wrists. Oh and there are also cuffs around his ankles that are attached to chains.

Eww, school is tomorrow. Gotta get to work...

I'm tired. (//blames my body)

'Later.

~ Cutepups

for angel (omg why)

A skit sh!t post for my pal, Angel. :3

They came up with a skit idea for me, and this will break my deep Duke themed posts. 

Curses, Angel, curses. >:0

They apparently like Duke being n/-s/-f/w at his job at the coffee shop. (it stands for not safe for work, and Duke is not safe for work by his.. actions, so.)

-----------------------------------

Sparkle: Uh.. didn't he get fired?

Twinkle: Oh, I thought he quit.

Dawn: Well, apparently he didn't.

[The three of them groan and sit around a round table at one side of the coffee shop, near the windows. At the other side of the coffee shop is the counter that the employees work behind during their work shifts. Behind the counter is Duke in his job uniform this time with the small worker's hat on his head. He holds up a paper and looks confused.]

Duke: *tilts head while staring at paper* Finny?

Finny: What is it?

Duke: This isn't a coffee order.

Finny: Then what is it?

Duke: It's fanmail for me. 

[Duke then reads the message to Finny.]

Paper: Hello, I'm a big fan! I loved that time you were at this coffee shop. I love this coffee shop, mm slurp. *emojis of a frog and a cup of coffee* Can you do something for me? Ok thanks. I want you to work with the coffee beans and the coffee grinder again. Do that again because it's comedic gold! *emoji of a laughing crying face* Anyway, I love you. Bye! - A

Finny: What kind of name is A? That's only one letter.

Duke: I don't know, but I don't trust this person. *crumples up paper and tosses it into the recycling bin*

[~ the Void ~ uhhh ummm .....................]

[Hours have passed. The coffee shop is closed. Everyone else thought Duke left with the rest of the workers, but he didn't. Duke is in the back room, organizing the coffee beans and cups.]

Duke: *sings in the tune of a song while he does this organization stuff* So why am I alive? Is there a reason for me? What else can be found? What is Cutepups singing?

[A blinding white light suddenly appears, which makes Duke temporarily lose his eyesight. He stumbles and falls. When he can see again, he is sitting on the floor awkwardly. Oh and where the heck did his pants go?]

Duke: *rubs eyes and tries to get up but fails* What happened? Is anyone there? *slips when he tries to stand up again* Ow.. *places hand on his right shin* Ow!

[Then a mysterious character grabs Duke and moves to a different location.]

Duke: *opens eyes and finds himself lying on his back on a cot* 

Mysterious: *eyes look angry yet their voice is emotionless* Why did you stay late at the coffee shop only to twerk and break your shin?

Duke: *sits up on cot* Wait, what are you talking about?

Mysterious: You were found lying on the floor of the coffee shop with your hand on your shin. Your pants were off.. at least you kept your underwear on though.

Duke: *looks at Mysterious (face is hidden; who are they?) and his heart rate increases* I swear I didn't. I didn't do it. Please.. please believe me.

Mysterious: You were twerking.

Duke: No, I wasn't. You're setting me up. You're framing me. 

Mysterious: Stop lying to yourself, Duke.

Duke: *starts screaming (??)* I'm not lying! I wasn't doing that!

Mysterious: I see past your pretty white lies.

Duke: It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't me!

Mysterious: Yes you did!

Duke: *sudden realization* It's you.

Mysterious: *shows their full face and smiles creepily* That's right. Hello, Duke.

Duke: *starts crying* I'm not him! I swear I'm not him!

Mysterious: Oh, you're crying! *presses fingers delicately then harshly onto Duke's left cheek*   

Duke: *non-distinct worded screams* 

Mysterious: *lets go of Duke and stares at their fingers that are wet with tears* I see past your pretty white lies and eyes. Why does your eye turn purple when you cry?

Duke: *more realization hits* This is a skit, and not the story! That means you don't exist here. Ha, I win!

Mysterious: Finally. *turns into dust and gets blown away*

[It is mid-morning. Duke wakes up in a hospital bed, sweating.]

Dawn: Are you okay?

Duke: What do you mean?

Twinkle: Ugh, you spent the night at the hospital. We want to know if you are okay.

Duke: Oh.. oh, I'm fine.

Sparkle: How's your leg?

Duke: My leg?

Sparkle: Yeah, your leg. You broke your shin at work yesterday. Don't you remember?

Duke: *even more confused* No..?

Finny: Of course he doesn't remember. The coffee beans fell on the top of his head all at once, and he passed out. 

Duke: How did I break it?

Finny: Oh, you slipped on the floor. There was spilled coffee. I helped you.

Duke: So you were also at the coffee shop?

Finny: Yeah. I took you to the hospital.

Duke: So I didn't stay late at the coffee shop by myself.

Finny: No, I was there. This also happened hours before closing.

Duke: Oh.. 

......... I'm so tired. I'm not rereading this. Hopefully, this is a good enough skit. 

idk lmao

~ Cutepups (???????)