.-.

Ok so hey.

I wanted to post yesterday, but then I obviously didn't. Oops. 

Haha, life is way too much. Very hard to handle. I can't handle anything.

Frustration. Inadequacy. Overwhelming. Stupidity.

Big feelings, especially yesterday.

Honestly, it feels like for every day I have school.....

I want to die. (kms:/)

I feel I'm living one extremely long panic attack. This anxiety is drowning me under. It can't just go away. I can't just take some deep breaths to make it go away. It doesn't work that way.

Sorry lmao. I know that all my posts are either about me poking fun at my characters through skits and bad art, or about how much I want to die. Sorry wtf for saying I want to die, I want to wtf lmao hahaa uhhhhhh. 

Posting skits and bad art are some of the very few things that distract me and make me feel a little bit of happiness when real life makes me want to stop living because I'm terrible at being a human being apparently who can't do anything freaking right or good enough.

I'm such a stupid fool. I hate myself so much. Sorry wtf facts.

The only things I count as reasons for why I don't try to die are of things on the internet. That's literally it. 

Finding new amazing music (by discovering more artists or by my favorite artists), looking at awesome art pieces, rewatching favorite tv shows or waiting for new episodes/seasons to air, writing my story, drawing my characters, messaging my literally two friends who I can't even meet irl since we live way too far away from each other to do so......

They're all things that are on a screen. All are things I can see through a screen. A phone screen, tablet screen, computer screen. All things are internet things. Without internet, those are all gone.

I'm sick of this sh*t. I want to find a reason to enjoy living and not wanting to die or kms that doesn't revolve the internet. That doesn't involve me having to check my phone, tablet, computer. I want to be happy in the real world. But there's nothing there. All happiness is found through the internet. But if it's only through a screen, is any of it even real? I don't know anymore.

Oh sorry, is the grammar here total sh*t? Sorry, I don't give a f*ck. Oh, you don't like how I'm swearing on here? I'm censoring the vowels, what else do you want from me? I want to uncensor the vowels, I mean I did that before, but are you gonna hate me if I do that? I'm sad and mad and raging inside but numb. My life is falling apart all around me for countless reasons, so sorry if I say a freaking swear word. I'm not little kids happy safe content and lalalala. I can't sugarcoat this f*cking sh*t. 

I want to live but I can't even do that anymore. I'm just surviving right now. I'm not thriving. 

I'm really only living for family, pets, friends. I'm really only living so I can have the opportunity to travel the world. I'm really only living so I can meet my internet friends in person. Any real life friend makes me feel like sh*t because I can't ever feel happy around them or because they freaking left and forgot about me and what we once had. I'm really only living to discover new music and look at more art, for seeing nature and feeling it by living in it. I'm really only living so I can continue writing my story and also my life story so it isn't so sh*tty and short. I'm really only living so I can improve my characters. To make my story better than what it used to be.

That's it. 

My purpose? Maybe it's me writing these two stories. No one else can but me, anyways.  

I'll be kinda surprised if October doesn't end up killing me. Because it definitely feels like it might do that. 

I want to feel happiness and good things through things where the internet isn't directly involved. Right now, that's impossible. This is barely living. This is just surviving.

....................................