so tired.

Hey. Gonna list some things on my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tomorrow is gonna be such a long day. I probably won't make a new post. I shouldn't even be making new posts, but I still do.

-x-x-

I'm scared of updating the iOS. The only way I can show pictures of my art is through using the Blogger app, which I only have on my iPad now. I can still make posts on my phone, but I can't put pictures I took into the actual posts if I type up posts on the site and not the app.

Well anyway, the point is that when I update it, this app won't be functional anymore. 

So, haha, that's great. :-)

Why the hell do I still post on this blog? I hate the blog name so much now. I guess I'm just not motivated enough to start a new blog. 

-x-x-

I haven't really mentioned it before, but another reason why I've been so scared of this month is because I'm taking the ACT on Saturday. If you don't know what that is, it's another standardized test that's like the SAT.

I was talking to my friend a few hours ago, and I was like, "Part of me is stressing out like crazy since it's also my last chance too. But at the same time, another large part of me doesn't care at all."

And she said something like, "How can you not care?"

Yeah uh heh. Anyway, I feel so freaking disconnected from everyone irl.

Everyone who knows and talks to me irl asks me stuff like, "Why don't you care?", "How do you not care?", or "Do you even care about anything?".

Lmao, I'm sorry? I just don't care anymore. I don't care.

I'm too tired to show I care. 

Underneath my exterior, I feel like I'm about to explode.

The funny thing is, I care too much.

-x-x-

I'm way too freaking tired to pretend that I can show happiness when I really hate being alive.

Sorry, it's late, I sleep a lot but I feel sleep deprived. The words I'm typing probably don't make any sense. I'm sorry.

I swear it feels like everyone around me irl hates me to some degree for being such a quiet, closed off person.

Sorry I can't be fvcking optimistic. Sorry I want to fvcking die more than ever. So fvcking sorry.

I'm way too tired to be "fake" and look and act happy. It's hard to look and act happy when most of the time I'm not happy.

Screw this, I'm not checking for grammatical errors. 

-x-x-

It's also great having family members just make me feel worse. 

Who am I to say that though? I'm so rude to them.

But like.. it's great having your mind tell you that everyone lies when they say they love you. That everyone hates you.

Sorry. I'm another person like that. Not too original, oh well.

But to the two or three people that say nice things about me, thank you. They probably won't even see this.. at least not right away.

I honestly feel like their words are saving me nowadays. Everything is so bad, but they say and make me feel good.

I don't know why they say I'm a good person. I'm really not. I'm a bad piece of crap that's a bad excuse of a human teenager. I'm not just a bad human, but a bad teen at that. Just.. idk.. I hate myself lol.

The more time passes, the more I want to not exist. Oops lol.

-x-x-

Stop saying I'm good and pure. 

I'm not.

I'm no angel. 

I've done things I shouldn't have.

I've been desperate for distractions from all these thoughts that are basically begging me to have a breakdown or worse.

Desperate for anything. Even if I knew that stuff would harm me.

For what I plan on writing about and for what my eyes have seen, I'm not a good and pure person.

I'm just filth now, I guess. 

Can't really go back to before. Can't be cleaned.

I'm no good.

-x-x- 

The dreams I said I would post about? Well uh, I don't think I want to do that anymore.

It's not that I forgot them. I remember them.

I just.. idk.. don't feel comfortable posting about that stuff. 

It's not that.. nice of content. It's bad and messed up. 

Death and grief and occasionally suicide are involved in them. 

Doesn't really make sense either.

So, eh, there are probably more things to add to the list of things wrong with me. 

-x-x-

I want to draw more Dukes. I have many drawing ideas of him stuck in my head.

Stop it, Duke. Let me draw the other characters for a change. Geez. 

-x-x-

Lmao I really should get help for my mental mess.

And not lie like I did last time.

Haha, that would be great. 

I just.. had to lie. 

Way to blow it, me. God damn it.

I used to not understand when they would say the symptoms of such-and-such have to significantly damage your quality of life. Like, I really didn't get that. But now, I understand what that means. I get it now. 

And that's me. Whatever the hell is wrong with me.. hmm.. it's probably disturbing my quality of life for the worst. 

In 2015, I wrote artsy poems about death. In 2017, I grew too tired and careless to be artsy about it. Can't bother to put it artsy that I fvcking hate so many things about myself and who I am as a person, and that I want to die even though I'm "young" and "have my whole future" and all that other kind of crap.

I doubt I would end up genuinely happy with anything at this point. Nothing really has so far, so what's the point?

By that, I really mean college major and career. 

Yeah, idk man. Nothing satisfies me. Nothing feels like a perfect fit. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I never did. 

I know I've been giving off the vibe that I'm happy because I'm posting more positively and longer on my posts about my cursed story content.

But here's the thing. Doing that is the only thing that really interests me in staying alive right now. Without working on continuing and fixing this story, I don't really know what else I have that would genuinely make me interested in continuing to live. It gives me a sense of purpose. Alright, okay, got that?

Without it, I feel like I'm basically nothing.

Lmao that sounds very toxic, Cutepups. 

Jfc I'm so done with life at this point. I honestly don't fvcking care that I'm only 17 and have a life ahead of me. 

Life won't get better. It's always been crap, and it's only getting worse. And one day, it's gonna kill me. 

I hate thinking about my future. I hate thinking of college/s. I hate thinking of having to get a job one day. I hate thinking of senior year. I hate thinking of graduation. I hate thinking.

Everyone's gonna have their friends and family cheer for them, and there would just be silence compared to their loudness when it's my turn. 

I saw it coming. I had it coming. Since day one.

Fvcking hell. 

Bye.