My Late October Life

Another attempt at personal poetry. This might end up being long. Contains sensitive content. 

<3 <3 <3 

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It's been hard to breathe

Out of my nose

But it's okay

I've gotten used to

Living this way

I've learned that 

My nose can feel stuffed

Even though my nostrils end up being empty 

Just like how my nose can feel inflamed 

When I don't breathe in or breathe out fire 

I read something a girl posted

I relate to it so much

That I thought maybe I wrote it

In my sleep or when I wasn't consciously aware of

My own actions 

At least it made me remember

I'm not the only one

I'm not totally alone in this world

And I got to keep reminding myself that 

For the past few days

I've been looking at posts through a forum 

A site for the mentally broken

Capable of or beyond repair 

It's up to them to decide 

After reading several posts I realized

That maybe when it comes down to it

I am scared of life and what the future brings

But then again who isn't?

That even though I can't see myself

Going on for that much longer

I realized that maybe

Just a big and vague maybe 

I don't actually want to die

I actually love being alive 

Sometimes only at some times 

Even though I've found myself thinking of how

Many ways people can kill themselves

And how easy some of those ways are 

I'm not gonna kill myself 

I'm keeping that promise 

For now or forever 

I realized how toxic everything in life can be

It made me learn that dying is far more easier

Than continuing to live

But I won't give up or give in

I'm going down the harder path

I'm going to continue living

Despite those thoughts idealizing suicide

Running around in my brain

So maybe I'm not the exact definition of

Suicidal

Maybe I just don't want to exist

For a lot of those sometimes 

I also think I have a sleep problem

That I bet I could easily fix

But I know I won't 

Because that's just the way I am 

I lie on my bed nearly all day long

And I place my phone on top of my nightstand

Right after I tuck myself in bed 

In my darkened room 

I don't think I can sleep

For more than five hours at a time

Before suddenly waking up in bed

Only to find it's not 6:00 am

Not even 5:00 am

Because it's a school night 

And I suddenly wake up

After sleeping for five hours 

Then I turn to look at my clock

It doesn't read 4, 5, or 6 am

It reads 2:45 am 

Guess that means I'm made up of

Broken pieces

Fragments

I'm not entirely whole

I've got some missing pieces in me 

My sleep is broken up too

I wake up in the middle of the night 

My sleep is disturbed

My dreams disturb me

I am disturbed 

I sleep a lot

On the weekends at least 

But I'm always tired

I get easily fatigued 

And nobody in my real life really gets that 

She doesn't really understand that staying out in public

Staying in school longer than I'm used to 

For twice the normal amount of time 

In a single day

Worn me down and left me exhausted 

And left me feeling a little sick afterwards

But she did more work than I did

So how could I be so much more tired than her?

Oh I'm a chronic introvert 

Oh I've got some issues that seem chronic

They really started two years ago after all

And got worse and better and worse again

Is living the way I do considered normal?

Or am I actually depressed?

With depression being stamped on my forehead and on the top of the paper 

Because I really don't know anymore 

I don't know anything about myself at all to tell you the truth 

Because sometimes I'm okay and mean it

And a minute or less later I'm thinking 

Horrible things about myself and how I really should stop existing already

That hey why not 

Kill yourself already

Message sent from brain to me 

Poor sleep causes constant tiredness

I don't feel fully alive 

Parts of me are missing

They disappeared

Because they died

Parts of me have died

And I really want to bring them

Back to life 

Anxiety

I feel like I'm on the verge of

Panic attacks every day

Since senior year started

I'm sane

I'm going crazy

Black and white

It's black and white

There's no gray

I have black and white thinking

There technically is a thin strip of gray

But blocks of black and white squish it

Smaller and smaller

Until the gray is nearly gone for good 

I can't handle anything nowadays

I show my anger and irritability easier than ever before

And I've been irritable for a few years now 

I've been swearing way more often

My mind is dirty

My mouth is dirty

Dirty doesn't only mean sexual

I yell at people now

Sometimes I yell without realizing it until it's too late

I care too much

Don't leave me alone

Do you love me?

Do you mean it?

I fear my death 

Depression

Everything is static

I'm disconnected from everything

From others and myself

I look like a child

I'm 17 but I look like I'm 14 

I want to give my boobs away

I want to keep my hair short and not go past a certain length 

There's not much fat on these arms of mine

I don't weigh that much over 100 

Hiding my boobs and not covering my face with makeup

I guess that makes me look more like a child

Than the fact that I would legally be an adult

In less than a year 

I always eat while I'm at lunch in school

But they don't know that I skip meals at home on some days 

I don't look like all the other girls I see 

Maybe I'm not a girl

Maybe I no longer am 

Or maybe I never was

Because I grew up liking feminine things

I was more feminine than my sister 

So I must be a girl

Because boys aren't like that 

I've been too girly to be a boy

But I hated puberty 

I didn't want this

It's not going to be a blessing 

It's only a burden 

Oh I'm sorry

This is more dysphoria than depression

I guess I mixed up my two D's 

There's a chance I'm lacking more D's 

I might be lacking Vitamin D

And of course I don't have a dick 

But I'll admit that I act like one sometimes

And I'm sorry for that 

But I don't think I'm exactly a boy

So what am I?

Who am I?

Oh I really don't know myself at all

I don't care at all

Leave me alone

I know you're lying when you say you love me

Because I remember all those times you yelled at me

And told me that you hate me

So you must hate me

That's the truth 

Love is the lie 

I no longer fear death

I'm not afraid to die

I could die so easily

I could die right now if I really wanted to 

But I can't die right now

I have important things to do tomorrow 

I'm so scared

I find myself not caring at all

And on top of that

I still miss them

They're dead now

I feel empty without them here

I miss them so much

Dying isn't my top fear

Living turns out to be much more frightening than dying early

Life scares me far more now

So I don't fear death that much anymore 

My sister added a note to

Our grandma's birthday card

It was about how she helped my sister 

Out of the dark tunnel

A bad thing happened to my sister earlier this year

The note said our grandma was her light

Who guided her out of the dark tunnel

And then I suddenly remembered that day last summer 

When my sister told me

She had anxiety a lot while she was in grad school

Believe me when I say she had lots of reasons to 

She said she went to counseling at least one time

I'm not that sure about the details 

Being in a dark tunnel reminds me of a metaphor 

For being depressed 

So maybe I'm not that different from her

Maybe if I could ever remove that cold rough exterior

That covers my heart and skull 

She and the rest of them would know that

I actually don't hate them 

But that I'm mentally screwed up

And that maybe 

I'm more similar to my sister than what we thought for so long 

On the other hand there's my brother

I feel like we're growing apart

I feel like we're nothing alike

We are like opposites

It kinda hurts knowing that to tell you the truth

I guess I'm just not like him 

Let me try and explain

He's an extrovert

He has to be around his friends every day

He hates staying at home

And then there's me

I'm an introvert

I don't really have any friends

I like staying at home

I get tired easily and I don't like staying out too long

Not anymore 

He doesn't get anxious

At least not in the ways I do 

For the most part I think I have 

An anxiety and depressive disorder

But whether it's a legitimate disorder for me

That's another unknown right now 

He doesn't really get how social anxiety works

He doesn't really get chronic fatigue

At least from how he acts and what he says when I hear him

In person or on the phone 

He hates how I never start conversations and that I'm awkward

That only makes my possible social anxiety worse

He used to say "autistic" as an insult

I used to have a best friend who has a brother with autism

Being autistic doesn't mean that person is stupid

Autism isn't synonymous with stupidity 

They are still people 

We're all just people

He also loves driving

I'm here still scared and uncomfortable of driving by myself 

And for the last thing I can think of on the top of my head is that 

Several months ago he said some things

Some transphobic and nonbinary-phobic things 

It's funny because I was questioning my gender back then too

And now I'm pretty sure that I fall somewhere under nonbinary

Maybe I'm on the more female side

Or maybe I'm nearly a trans boy but not exactly that

Because I don't feel fully like a girl

I've been thinking that for a while

So if I ever admit some stuff

Would he start hating me even more?

I'm not even sure if he thinks asexuality and aromanticism are real things

I'm not sure if he even knows what those two things are

I fear rejection 

I fear being invalidated 

Maybe that's why I never formally came out mentally or about my orientations yet 

Because I fear that then 

They will have a more valid and supported reason to hate me

I don't want to be hated

Please don't hate me 

So to sum this all up

This is how my life is going 

My late October life 

In 2017 

I was going to include something about my characters 

In this mess of personal writing 

But then I decided to not include that part in

I don't want to distance myself from reality this time

I want to keep this real

This isn't fiction 

This is real 

The real me 

Writing this was hard at some parts

Reading this might have been hard at some parts

I didn't swear in this

But we can both say

This poem is uncensored 

An uncensored version of myself 

Censorships make some things more comfortable for others

Sorry but I'm keeping this real

I'm not censoring myself

If you think I should just censor myself 

I'll be holding two letters up at you

"F" and "U" 

Because I'm not here to make sure you're comfortable 

I'm not here to be fake

Poetry is the only way I can express my true self 

I'm here to be real 

This isn't my fictional story

This is my real life

And to tell you the truth 

I'm sorry all of what I said is real 

Because this isn't a work of fiction

This is a work from reality 

And I tried my very best to not exaggerate while writing these words down 

This is no exaggeration 

This is no fantasy 

This is no joke

I think I'm losing it

I've been struggling

Haha I probably need

Help 

Maybe I really need to get help this time

All these maybes 

Should become certainties instead 

So yeah I guess that's it 

This is the real and uncensored version of me 

For the most part at least 

Some things are best kept in the dark 

Instead of being pushed into the light 

But that shouldn't take away the fact that 

I'm here and I'm real 

And if I'm real 

Then so are you