Disaster Boys Celebrating Pride Month

 Hi, I haven't really been checking my blog much lately. So that's why it took me a while to reply to comments. It's because I haven't been checking here. But I'm here now. It's about time I made a new post.

I was thinking of posting this drawing last week. And then I didn't. 

Anyway, I'm posting it now. 

I don't know if I'm ready to vent on here again. I've been hesitating on getting all emotional on here lately. I'm not even sure why anymore.

So yeah. Uh......

I drew and colored a picture of Jack and Fierdan celebrating Pride Month. They're boyfriends at the time the drawing takes place. They're both in the LGBT+ community: Jack is gay, and Fierdan is bisexual.

I don't know why I colored their outfits the way I did. Fierdan looks so colorful, haha, that's cute. Plot twist: Fierdan actually likes colorful things. He still likes black though; of course he does. 

Heh, heh... ;D

Ok, ok. It's art time! 

that,, that's gay....,,.,,..,,..,.

They're wearing pride flag capes because why not. 

Jack has part of his hair dyed a silvery white. The rest is dyed black. 

Jack has a tiny "x" tattoo underneath both his eyes. 

I don't know why Fierdan is wearing a necklace. 

The yellow and pink flowers are cute. I don't know if he got them as a gift from Jack or if he's going to give them to Jack. 

I made him wear a rainbow flag colored shirt and bi flag colored pants. Maybe this is Jack taking Fierdan to his first Pride Parade. Aww, that sounds sweet. :')

I felt like drawing a kiss scene with these guys. I think it's not too bad. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

~ Shan

Picrew Time #___

 Hi! I need to always keep myself distracted to stay sane. I have small breakdowns every time I try to fall asleep at night. It's a hard process. :'}

I mainly distracted myself today by reading versions of the Beauty and the Beast fairy tale for my Fairy Tales class.. and joining various Discord servers. Haha yeah.

I might make a post (or few) about my weird dreams soon. They're very strange. I'm so emotional and dramatic in my dreams. Everything is screwed up. 

Yeah uh.. my mind and thoughts are all over the place. I'm typing this on my computer, and my eyes aren't even focusing on the screen. Nothing is in focus for me anymore. I'm a total mess.

Anyway..............

It's Picrew time! This is the *insert number here of the times I made Picrew posts on here*. 

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https://picrew.me/image_maker/457262

Lofi girl Picrew. 

It's me. I think it looks a lot like me. I usually have my hair up in a ponytail. 

My skin looks like that.

I wear blue shirts fairly often. I like blue. lol 

I have earbuds that look kind of like the earbuds in this Picrew.

I have a blue desk lamp. It's my brother's old lamp. *shrugs*

The black cat on the windowsill is my cat, Thelma. Yeah. I guess it's her. She likes chilling on windowsills. 

I miss Thelma so much. Especially these days. :c

Umm.. ok then.

-x-x-x-x-

This isn't from a Picrew, but it's a screenshot I took on my phone of this amazing ad I found on Facebook a while back. I love this ad. XD

"NEED A GIFT FOR YOUR GF ?"

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"GET HER A CHONKY SEAL"

CHONKY SEAL

Angry Seal Pillow

*gives a round of applause for this random Facebook ad*

............. *zones out and stares at nothing* ........................

-x-x-x-x-

Ok, ok. Back to Picrew time #[who freaking knows].

I'm using this Picrew again. https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

My Characters: Part 1

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Stella (aka Twinkle). Before she cuts most of her hair off. 

I imagine her wearing an outfit like this. It suits her. 

Mostly blue hair with some strands of orange in it.

Yeah. That's her.

I love my blue girl. I love her. 

Yeah...

Dawn. 

She has a tiny plant sprouting out of her head because why not. It's cute. She's the earth/nature Elemental Power user. It fits her.

The background thing is something like a sun. I think that also fits into her aesthetic. 

I love her, too. Of course I do. She's Dawn. She needs to be loved. Because.. I say so.

I don't know if it's that easy to tell, but she has a not-as-light skin tone as Stella. And me. If anyone remembers the avatar of myself I designed on this Picrew. I showed it a few posts ago.

Umm....... ok!

Ardere. 

My happy sunshine and lightning boy! My son of light! 

I love this golden child. :)

He likes playing video games. I can picture him playing games on a Nintendo Switch.

Maybe he's playing Animal Crossing. That's what my friend suggested. I think he would like playing that.

He's so happy and cute. The "!?" brings some chaos. He's a chaotic boy. Not like my older male main characters. But still. He's also full of chaos. He's Ardere. My freckly, golden eyed boy. He likes yellow and orange hoodies. 

Haha, I love this kid. :D 

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I'll make a part 2. I'd rather include Fierdan in the next part. Not here. Not now.

I'll end this post with a picture I took of the sunset I took one day while in my current college dorm. 

Pretty sky! :3

*distracts myself to stay sane* :-}

Hahahahahahahhahahhahaaaaaa

— Shan

... ... ...

Just wanted to clarify. That.. uh.. well......

When I was editing the ending of the last post and adding some things, I got the news. 

You know what? I’m just going to say it. 

During that time, my mom texted me that Sunshine passed away. 

Yeah. She’s uh.. not here anymore. She died Monday night. 

My family and I are grieving. Maybe I’ll add more details here in another post. I don’t want to get all into it now. 

I was emotionally numb. I cried. My body hurt. My heart and stomach hurt. 

Oh and my tailbone pain is gone now. I told my friends about it, and one said it might have been connected to my dog’s health and how she’s dying. 

I think that friend was right. The days leading up to Sunshine’s death, when she was at her worst state, my tailbone was hurting the most. After I learned that Sunshine had died, my tailbone pain began to go away. Maybe my body was telling me that she was dying. I.. I don’t know. The connection between my dog and my body, both in pain, still haunts me. 

Yeah. It really messed me up. :’(

I’m having a hard time focusing on things like my classes. I can’t stop thinking about her and how she’s gone. 

She’s been with me since I was 5. I barely remember anything from my life when she wasn’t in it. Before she entered my family’s life.

At least she’s not in pain anymore. She was hurting so much. 

Yeah. I guess that clarifies some things. I was talking about past tense at the end of the last post since she just recently died. 

I just.. it’s gonna take a while for me to get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her. 

I love her. My family loves her. We love her. 

My family members at home tried to keep her comfortable until her final moments. 

Yeah. Maybe I’ll vent later. I don’t know. 

I don’t know anything anymore except there’s an empty space in my heart and in my home where she used to be. With her body and presence. Now only her memory and spirit remains. 

;-; ;~; 

Sunshine: 4/3/2005 - 9/7/2020

Goodbye. </3 

Brief Updates —

 Hi. I’m here to share some brief updates. The dash in the post title is supposed to be a negative sign. Because I have bad news. I tried to not share negativity on here, but now I’m like screw it, so here I am now sharing negativity. Haha ha. 

So anyway. Hey everyone. The past few days have been terrible for me. Including today. I’m feeling terrible. I’m in physical and emotional pain. 

I’ve been taking more ibuprofen than I usually take, and my physical pain is still there. I’m still in pain even after it kicks in. 

I’m trying to see a bright side and be optimistic, but it’s very hard for me to. I just want to have breakdowns, cry, and sleep all day. Life sucks so much these days. I can’t stand it. 

Eh, I’ll try. Good things: I’ve been talking/texting with some of my friends more often. I think I made new friends with my roommate and people living a few floors above ours in the residential building. We played card games and had dinner together the other day. That was nice and fun. :) 

Aside from that, things aren’t that great. Except if you count how I didn’t have any classes today since it’s Labor Day. And how Sunshine has lived a pretty long dog life of 15 years and a few months. 

But yeah. I can’t think of anything else that’s good. My professors have been pretty nice so far. Ok, now I can’t think of anything else. 

I guess I have some explaining to do. 

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1. For the past few days, I’ve been experiencing tailbone pain. Whenever I put pressure on my tailbone, especially when sitting and lying down in certain positions, my tailbone hurts. A lot. I almost always feel uncomfortable now. I tried to cope with the pain by doing some light exercises, applying heat to the part of my body that hurts the most, and taking medicine like Advil and Tylenol. But the pain is still there. At best, it goes away only temporarily. Like, very temporarily. And yes, I’ve been drinking water. I’ve been trying to get plenty of rest too, but my sleep quality is even worse after this happened to me. I take my melatonin gummies more often now. Some days I only slept for 3 to 5 hours. Well, at night. These were on weekdays, by the way. So yeah. I’m not feeling so well. I think what I have is something called coccydynia. You can look that up if you want. It’s basically tailbone pain. 

And...... Sunshine. My dog. 

2. Ever since I left for university around two weeks ago (or is it three? idk anymore), my family has been giving me updates on Sunshine through text messages, phone calls, and video calls. To cut to the chase, Sunshine is doing even worse than when I left her a few weeks ago. She’s pretty much slowly dying. 

UPDATE: I just got very bad news about Sunshine. Almost all of my memories now are those with her in my life. She’s been with me since I was 5. 

Damn it. I’ve been eating chips while typing this post. Now I’m feeling nauseous again. I’ve been feeling nauseous on and off all day. 

Anyway, I’m just going to... I don’t know. 

Sunshine. Ever since I left for college, she became barely able to walk, she’s been eating far less, she hasn’t been drinking that much water for the past day or so, she has to wear dog diapers now... (this is all according to my family). 

UPDATE: Actually, put that all in the past tense. I’m... 

Goodbye.

Me Me Me | A.A.

 Hi. It's September. Wow.

I feel strange posting something new. Uh.. hi guys. I'm back. It's been another week. 

I'm going to say some things on my mind lately. Ok.

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Another Picrew post. Yes. 

https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

I designed myself and all of my main characters on this Picrew. I really like the art style, haha. 

I only feel like focusing on me for this post. 

I think this Picrew avatar of myself looks the most like me out of all the Picrews I used so far. It looks like me. It's me. This is me. Me, me, me. 

Ok, ok. I'll insert the image now. :')

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This is what I look like. I'm considering changing my Blogger profile picture to this one. Maybe. 

Hi, I'm Shan. I have a black phone case. I wear glasses like the one I put on my avatar. I'm Jewish. I'm aroace. I'm aromantic. I'm asexual. 

This is me. I'm still on the long, winding journey of self-acceptance and self-love. 

For the past few days, I've been thinking about my asexual identity. I haven't been thinking about it that much until recently. Now it's been stuck in my head. 

I'm aroace. I'm not just aro; I'm ace too. Both orientations make up so much of who I am. 

And so does being Jewish, but I'm not here to dive into talking about my religion and my slightly messy personal religious and theist beliefs. 

Ah heh. ^-^"

So why the sudden focus on asexuality? Well, I found another person who's asexual in-person. I have a new ace friend. And that makes me happy and excited. Yes, yes. :D

My roommate is ace and has an ace flag hanging on one of the walls of our dorm. That just makes me so happy and excited (which I just said). We also have common interests. *cries happy tears*

Last night, I was so happy that I was energetic and couldn't fall asleep. I barely got any sleep at night. The most I got was 4 or 5 hours. 

I finally fell asleep after 4 am. And I woke up on my own (with no alarm clock) at 9 am. I also didn't take a nap during the day, today. 

I had the urge to walk and run at 3 and 4 am. So yeah, haha, that's me. Just having the urge to pace around in the dead of night. Hyper. Restless. Not consciously aware of anything bringing me anxiety. I just had lots of energy then.

I'm starting to get tired now though. *yawns*

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I'm not exactly sure why, but the other day, I was suddenly hit with how I'm so unlike straight (hetero- romantic and sexual) people. It hit me so hard that I really am not straight. Nothing about myself is straight. That just isn't me. I don't relate to straight experiences. And that made me feel weird. It's hard for me to articulate my thoughts into words.

I don't, nor never have, experienced romantic and sexual attraction. I just don't know what those attractions feel like. 

And that doesn't mean I'm not whole. We all intrinsically matter. We are all intrinsically whole. 

I don't need anyone to "complete" me. I'm my own person. 

I'm not broken. I'm not broken. I'm not broken for who I am.

I am not automatically childish for being aroace. I'm not (like) a child because of my personal thoughts on sex and romance regarding myself. I'm not childish for having personal repulsions for those things. 

Kissing another person's lips, having sex... it's not a sign of maturity for everyone. It's okay if those aren't my things. That I'm not interested in those things. It's okay that I didn't do those things. I'm okay, I'm okay, I am okay. 

I am not broken. I am not broken. I am not broken. I am not broken.

I am not wrong. I am not flawed. I'm not a child because of my identity. I am not in need of fixing. I am not a robot.

~ Shan; A.A.