Duke and Fierdan talk (10/29-30)

Hi, I want to dedicate a post to talk about Duke and Fierdan. Yes, it is this post. 

All those sensitive topics could be mentioned here. All of them. I mean that. 

Heed by my warning. Thanks. 

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-x-x-x-

Don't worry, I didn't really project myself on Duke in this recent skit. For the most part. I'm doing better than him. For the most part. 

So why did I write Duke like that? Well, it's because I can't really imagine skit Duke doing excellent in college/university. Especially since he's away from every other skit character. 

As we all know, I like making fun of Duke in my skits. But actually, Duke has the ability to be a scary level of intelligent if he wants to. He's not that, well, school smart. But he really is smart. Just not when it comes to school-like situations. 

I imagine Duke having difficulty adjusting to the college life. Before anyone thinks of asking, I don't know which college. (ok lol) 

At college, I can also imagine Duke being desperate to get his hands on alcohol. He's so tired and done with everything. He doesn't know how to handle this new step of life that he believed he would live to be in. 

And so, he gets a little upset when it's harder for him to get any alcohol than he thought when he reaches the house. Ryen won't let him have any. 

Honestly, the only skit ideas I have these days all have the theme of Duke's declined mental state. I feel like I never put enough attention to describing his mental health in the skits. And if you're reading this and forgot the context behind the skits since 2017, they're supposed to happen in an alternate skit universe at the time when story 1 ("Twinkle's Story") is over. 

I've been thinking about Duke a lot again. Not as much as before the college semester started, but I'm still spending time thinking about him. Oh and the same goes for Fierdan. 

The things Duke had to go through in story 1 totally messed him up. His childhood consists of (mainly physical) abuse, self harm, and starting in his early adolescent years (I'm not saying 13 because I think this includes him at 12 years) suicidal thoughts and actions. Then in the story, he has these scary hallucinations, he grows to be more of an asshole and makes several violent threats, he has people who want to kill and/or torture him, he gets tortured, and he witnesses the death of his new close friend who made him happy and also the dead body of his old close friend who made his life better despite everything that happened between them in the story. Oh and then Duke himself dies. 

And, just saying, if Duke stayed alive for a while (half a year? a year? idk tbh) after the events of story 1, I can totally see him getting diagnosed with PTSD. And honestly, getting proper diagnoses for the other.. conditions(?) Duke pretty much has. 

During his being kidnapped as a hostage and torture arc, I can't stop thinking about Duke's physical and mental states. Even before then and throughout the whole story honestly, his mental state is on the decline. He keeps on getting worse and worse.. like, it's pretty obvious. Have you met him? No? Well, neither have I. (wait what was I saying?) 

I've been so focused on writing about Fierdan/Post-Fierdan/Danny's PTSD that I don't think I ever really mentioned that he isn't the only character that has that. 

(PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not sure if it's right for me to consider it being C-PTSD. I think the C is for Complex..? Well anyway, yeah.) 

During the second half of the torture arc to Duke's death, Duke begins to show the symptoms of it. It freaks him out when he realizes how fucked up his childhood is. The impact of his life always being made up of being abused, self harm, self-hatred, being seen as a monster or error or someone who is better off and wanted dead, and then later finding out why after so many years finally caught up to him once he starts getting used to being tortured for a few days straight. 

Like ok fuck no. He's not okay with any of it. He's so sad and mad. And he is angry. Furious. He's hurt all over, repeatedly. He's evolving to become more of a monster than Fierdan ever was. He wants to hurt the people who hurt him. He attacks them. I visualize it happening in my head, and it's all so graphic. It's painful. 

And when he escapes and is no longer being tortured, he only stays his usual loud and obnoxious self for a few days. He seems kind of villainous at that part. 

Then after that, Duke just shuts down. He no longer externalizes (is that even a word? idk) everything by yelling and crying out to anyone nearby who can hear him. I wouldn't say Duke grows more mature, but he kind of does. It's not a good thing though. 

He internalizes everything. He becomes numb. He stops yelling and crying loudly. He stops visibly showing his emotions. He stops.. feeling. 

He's stuck thinking over his life and how fucked up it had been so far. And not just about his past. He's stuck thinking how he knows he will die soon. 

-x-x-x- 

When I think about, I'm not sure if it stays (?) consistently with him in the story. But like, I've been thinking about it. 

I think that ever since Duke was a child and could understand what it meant to have the purple and black flame mark over his heart, he knew it was a flaw/body error. He always wanted to cover it up, but he didn't know how, so he always had it covered. He hated it. He tried to get rid of it, but he failed because he couldn't cut deep enough into his skin. 

So my point is that I think Duke, at least at some point of his life, has/had body dysmorphia. But only about his chest. 

But then again. Not that far in the story, he's like "you know what? fuck it!" and he shows Twinkle the flame mark completely uncovered. 

But I don't think that dismisses the fact how he had the symptoms of it when he was younger. He was shown the flame mark meant something bad since it turned out Calliah abused him because of it. So of course he couldn't show others it. It's a terrible thing. He's cursed. There's a reason his mother hates him. There has to be a reason why, so it must be because of the flame mark. 

Yeah uh. 

Duke spent most of his life the most anxious over people (besides Calliah) seeing his flame mark. That's what he had anxiety about. 

Umm yeah. 

I'm pretty sure I said it before, but in addition to those two mental illnesses, I see Duke as having a depressive/mood disorder and some form (?) of psychosis. I'm not that certain if it makes sense for me to say he can have all of them though. 

But yeah. That's my boy, Duke. (ahh heck!) 

-x-x-x- 

I can't really see Twinkle (Stella as I call her more often now) having PTSD. 

But for the other main characters, I guess I do..? I think logically, Ryen would have it as well, but it's hard for me to think about him having it. But I think it would make sense for him to? (gosh idk) 

It's easier for me to imagine Dawn having it than Ryen. 

It'll become clear why when Dawn gets all those memories of her life in the original world. Specifically, when she technically became an orphan due to both her parents having been killed. And how Z took her into his life with his children (Ryen and Danny/Fierdan). And what happened then. 

-x-x-x-

Anyway, none of the characters I mentioned so far (ok wait, minus Calliah and Z) are in good and stable mental health (like I've been saying here) and none of them are straight (hetero-romantic heterosexual). I just can't view any of them as being straight. (sorry, sweaties :•<) 

I just can't do it, guys. That's not who they are. 

Got a problem with that? Then bye, see ya, bye-bye. Got a problem with me creating characters that aren't pure and morally good 100% (oh wait, literally none of my characters are lmao) having marginalized identities? Well uh, sorry bye. 

And none of them have the same sexuality either. By saying they're not straight, it doesn't mean they're all gay. Some aren't. 

Yeah ok. Yep. Ok. 

-x-x-x- 

A few months ago, I was reading some old chapters. And can I just say? Some of the lines Duke said sound so disgusting. Like.. damn it.. if there's a reason I make Fierdan kill him it's because of what I made him say a few years ago. 

I'm not even talking about how (tbh, yeah wow I know past me sucked) ableist I worded some (tbh, major) things. That bothers me a lot too, but I'm not focusing on that right now. Well, except for this paragraph I guess. 

If read in a certain context, I can see a few old Duke lines and it looks.. it looks... (wtf past me, ughh)...

It looks like Duke is lowkey (trying to be? (yeah ikr wtf)) contributing to rape culture. 

(I seriously need to change those lines some day. Because holy shit, it's.. it's bad. And since Duke is obviously one of my favorite characters. Murder? Yeah it's bad, but I'm fine with it being viewed as not all bad (in my story I mean, pfft). But rape or anything similar? Oh hell no. There's nothing justified about it. Nothing.) 

Duke, just stop. Don't say those things. Shush, my child. Saying that shit does not make you look cool. 

(For example, I'm thinking of Chapter 41. I think it was that one..? Well anyway...) 

(Disclaimer: Humans! That's them!) 

Duke, my boy, you two only made-out. Yes, I think it was for a few hours. (wow, that's hardcore) 

(This isn't related to anything lol but hey, I'm mainly called Cutepups on here. I think I have some romance repulsion and sex repulsion. But you know what? Fuck me. I'm going to talk a little about romance and sex. Yeah, I don't understand my decisions either.) 

But you and her (who is she? Twinkle lol) didn't do anything more than kiss. And to be honest, that's too much for my taste. Guys, stop pretending to be Straight TM. You're not lmao. 

Duke, you fool! You didn't have sex. Stop wording it like you did. You didn't you .. *hears "bum" in a song* bum. 

(Bum ... wtf Cutepups. idk lol) 

I'm surprised nobody caught that. Umm.. uh.. ok. 

*shrugs* just sayin'. 

-x-x-x-

Anyway, most of my views on Fierdan took a 180 degree turn from my original views on him. They're basically all opposite. 

I don't know how to describe it, but I first imagined Fierdan as having this intimidating aura and that.. that he's very sexual. But with who? There's no other person where he is lmao. 

This is probably making you all so uncomfortable. Oh haha, my thoughts get.. bad. ;{ 

He isn't asexual, but he isn't an obsessively sexual and horny creep that I lowkey thought he was in 2015 or something. I just can't. Thinking he is just makes me want to cry in laughter. It's funny to think about. 

But I have to say Fierdan has strong thoughts/feelings when it comes to sex. One being that he fucking hates sexual abusers as one rightfully should. :-) 

And he kills one. Because. He can. :-) 

Z is scum. When I say I hate him and there's a reason there's something good in having his younger son perform the act of killing him, I.. I mean it. :-) 

Haha wtf @ me. 

Spoilers? Aww, oops. 

Shit, my bad. 

-x-x-x-

Time check: It is currently 2:31 am on a Tuesday. 

I started this post a few minutes before midnight. Dang, this must be so long already. 

-x-x-x- 

Even when Fierdan was in his edgy literal murder phase, there was some good to him. 

He hates rapists with a burning passion (as one rightfully should :-) ). 

Until he becomes too fucked up and obsessed with violence and death, he is protective over Dawn. Ironic as it all seems, he keeps her safe. And no, he isn't abusive towards her. 

(Not like Z *cough, cough*) 

I honestly love the relationship between Dawn and child Fierdan. It's so good and sweet and.. good. 

And then Fierdan eventually grew up into a pile of shit. 

(Why would you hurt her? You fucking fool! Ahh!) 

But before then? Oh, I love them so much. 

-x-x-x- 

Oh and Z is that asshole type of man who in addition to being an all around abusive piece of shit father, he: 

- is a misogynist 

- is obsessed with class/hierarchy 

- is somewhat obsessed with traditional gender roles 

- would be homophobic and transphobic (and if he stayed alive and knew that his sons wouldn't have biological children to continue the bloodline, he would lose his shit and hate them even more obviously lol) 

and I could be skipping some things. 

-x-x-x- 

I also have, in the recent few months, new images in my head over Fierdan's true body. 

It's.. interesting to think about. 

It might change all our views on him. But this time, from a physical standpoint. 

Oh haha, plot twist! Didn't think that now, did you? Nah.  

I'm not saying what exactly I mean by this. 

Hints: 

- what is said in the last post's skit 

- Chapter 76 Fierdan's POV 

- a possible reason why Z never took much notice or care to Pre-Fierdan Danny? and why he thinks that Danny is weak and pathetic and unworthy? 

- also why Soulless and even Ryen himself think that Danny is weak and pathetic? 

- oh hmm.. hmm.. mmm.... 

- Fierdan, what a guy. I must say, he sure is one freaking guy. 

"true body" yes. 

-x-x-x- 

If you finally reached this point in the post, thank you so much for reading. 

Take care of yourselves. It's almost Halloween. 

<3 <3 <3 

~ Cutepups 

in the morning of (continuing skit)

Hi, I'm gonna suppress my heated feelings and thoughts to make this post be a continuation of that skit I wrote the other night. 

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"In the morning of"

[It is now the morning. The time is between 8 and 8:30 am. Duke is still sleeping in front of his bedroom door and on the floor. Fierdan opens his bedroom door and glances around blearily. Then he steps outside and rubs his eyes. Then he spots Duke...] 

Fierdan: *stretches his arms up as he yawns, then looks down at Duke with a suspicious and confused look on his face* Huh? What are you doing here? Why are you on the floor? 

Duke: *is still sleeping* 

Fierdan: *shrugs* At least it's the weekend. *walks away to go to the bathroom* 

Duke: *wakes up and sits up* 

[Two minutes later.] 

Duke: 'Sup, Danny boy. 

Fierdan: *walks toward Duke with caution, then says loudly* Ryen! Why is he *almost pokes Duke with his right index finger* here? 

Duke: Whoa, watch where you're putting your fingers, Danny boy. 

Fierdan: That sounds wrong, and don't call me that. *then is basically yelling* Ryen! 

Ryen: *opens his bedroom door, sounds annoyed* What? 

Fierdan: *looks at Ryen, then looks at Duke* When did he come back? 

Ryen: In the middle of the night. 

Fierdan: When? 

Ryen: Close to 3 am. 

Fierdan: And to think I was actually asleep when Duke comes barging in here. 

Duke: So you weren't actually sleeping? 

Fierdan: No, I was! It's ironic because I've only been able to sleep quote-in-quote "normally" fairly recently. 

Duke: Hmm. 

Ryen: Duke, why didn't you sleep in your bed? 

Duke: *stands up* I didn't feel like it. I don't think I belong there. 

Ryen: What do you mean? 

Duke: It feels wrong for me to, that's why. 

Fierdan: Yeah, if you're gonna suddenly come home, you can at least act normal. 

Duke: Says who? You? Oh, that's funny. 

Fierdan: You nearly scared the hell out of me. 

Duke: I'm not sure why, but that sentence sounds hilarious to me. 

Ryen: No, not happening. I'm not just gonna stand here and watch you two argue over nothing. 

Duke: Ugh, fine! You want to know why? It's because I don't deserve any luxuries! I don't deserve to sleep in a bed! Even being allowed inside the house at that hour and sleeping on the carpeted floor were luxuries. I don't deserve the rights to those things!

Fierdan: What are you screaming about this time? 

Duke: *grumbles and goes to the bathroom, slams door behind him* 

Ryen: Hey Duke, does this have anything to do with what we talked about last night? Uh, about what you talked about? 

Fierdan: What did you talk about? 

Ryen: Some ... things. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Thanks, my good brother. 

Ryen: He can tell you. *faces bathroom door* Can you at least tell us why you came home? 

Fierdan: There's no break from classes last time I checked. You can't just come home every weekend, Duke. *speaks quietly to Ryen* Did he even bring anything with him? 

Ryen: *speaks quietly back* No. In fact, he brought nothing with him. Not even a jacket. 

Fierdan: *yells at the bathroom door* It's late October, you idiot! You could have at least worn a jacket or brought one with you! 

Duke: *from inside the bathroom* That's correct. There is no break happening now. I just decided to come home to visit you guys, that's all. 

Fierdan: The weather report says the temperature drops to the 40s (Fahrenheit) at night. Did you use your fire to keep yourself warm? 

Duke: *sounds annoyed* What are you? My mother? 

Fierdan: Yeah, I'm basically the equivalent of a mother to you. 

Duke: Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell. 

Fierdan: I am, I'm not. 

Duke: Well, you're not! 

Fierdan: Obviously, I'm not! But in your life now.. no, in your existence.. I have that mother role over you. 

Ryen: *sighs* Please stop it. I'll make us breakfast. How's that? 

Fierdan: *ignores Ryen* I want to make sure you're safe! Is that so hard to comprehend? That I care about people? 

[Instead of saying anything back, Duke opens the bathroom door. He steps back into the hallway. In each of his hands, there is a razor blade. He is frowning.] 

Fierdan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where did you get those? 

Ryen: *is worried and concerned* Put those down. Walk away from then. 

Duke: Why? They're just blades from two shavers I found in the bathroom. 

Fierdan: We all know what you did with those kinds of things. This isn't funny, Duke! Put them away! 

Duke: And why would I do that? *holds up the razor blades* 

Fierdan: Ryen, do something! 

Duke: I just broke your shavers, that's all. 

Ryen: Why did you do that?

Duke: *flips the razor blade in his right hand between his index and middle fingers* So I could have these two bad boys. They're not harmful, guys, relax. 

Fierdan: How about you stop playing with those weapons you made by destroying Ryen's stuff, and you tell us the real reason you're here. 

Duke: Dude, you have to chill. There's no reason to be so hostile. 

Ryen: Can you please tell us? 

Duke: *ignores what they said* Are you telling me that they both belong to Ryen? What's that? You don't have your own shaver? Do you have to share with him, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: Answer our question. 

Duke: Do you shave? I've never seen you with any facial hair. Do you even get any? I'm assuming you get some down there--

Fierdan: *is annoyed* Shut up! You know I don't get facial hair. And I do have a shaver. You just broke two of Ryen's. 

Duke: What? You can't grow a beard? Is that why Soulless called you weak? Is it because you're lacking in the masculinity department? 

Fierdan: Stop avoiding the question we asked you first! Your questions are gross, considering I know you want to ask me if I use mine to shave my pub--

Duke: *laughs* Wow, you sound so defensive! 

Fierdan: --ic hair. 

Ryen: *groans* You two are unbelievable. You're both gross. Now answer my question, Duke. 

Duke: *suddenly has a different look in his eyes, holds the razor blades differently* Okay, you want to know why? It's better if I left my college now than wait. Before you ask, there's no reason for me to stay. *tightens his grip on the razor blades* I was supposed to die for real before it came time for me to move into my dorm. Which, for the record, is small as hell! I can't get any goddamn privacy over there! 

Ryen: I've been there before. I know what it feels like. You just have to take time to adjust.

Duke: You don't get it! Stop pretending you do! 

Ryen: Oh, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter what particular school it is. 

Duke: *has a certain look in his eyes that I don't know how to describe* I'm failing, okay? I'm so close to being flunked out of my classes, so I just left that place. 

Fierdan: So you didn't bring anything with you? 

Duke: I'm a failure! I don't deserve anything! I'm a far worse person than you, so why didn't you kill me? Please let me die! 

Fierdan: I promised I would never kill you. You're not going to die. 

Duke: Well, I better try! 

Ryen: Stop it. 

Duke: I'm so stupid! I don't know anything! I never know what I'm doing! I never get any privacy! I can always tell when someone is staring at me. I know they're all just strangers, but I know. I know they know! They can sense it! 

Ryen: Sense what exactly? 

Duke: I wonder how college is going for Twinkle. Does she also feel their stares digging knives into her back? 

Fierdan: What are you talking about? 

Duke: And Dawn! Will she feel them when she leaves? Does she feel them at school? How come I didn't notice them when I was in high school? They were there the entire time! 

Ryen: Feel what? What's there? 

Fierdan: Didn't you hear him? The people around him who see him and are staring at him. They feel like knives in Duke's back. 

Ryen: But what are they sensing? 

Duke: They all know I'm the weird one. That I'm the scary one. That I'm the screwed up one. They all know! 

Fierdan: You are only assuming things. No one is judging you. And if they are, they're the ones in the wrong. 

Duke: There's something about my appearance. Maybe my voice and also my scent. Something about mine is off compared to theirs. I'll always be an outcast. No one wants to get close to me. 

Ryen: *moves a few steps closer to Duke* I'm here. 

Duke: *gets defensive, points a razor blade towards Ryen's lower chest* Don't come any closer! Or I swear, I swear I'll...

Ryen: *slowly takes two steps back* 

Duke: *voice shakes* God! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! *closes his hands into loose fists* 

Fierdan: Your mental state seems off. I've noticed the whole time, but I didn't think I would have to call you out on it. 

Duke: What is wrong with me? I hate myself! No wonder why everyone thinks I'm dangerous. It's because I am! *focuses on Fierdan and Ryen again* I know my mental state is bad. I'm sickening. 

Fierdan: You are not a monster. And if you are one, it's because of what those cruel people did to you. Myself included, I'll admit. 

Duke: *voice sounds like it's breaking down again* They can sense I'm weird and a dangerous person. They can tell I have hidden scars all over my body. They know I inflicted them onto myself. And hey, maybe they know I survived abuse, and hey, maybe they know I'm a traumatized sick excuse of a human being. My behavior, my actions, are so weird compared to any normal person's. Of course I'm being judged when people don't know anything about me see me! *opens his hands, drops the razor blades on the floor* I can't focus, which makes me look even dumber than I really am. *falls on his knees* I need to get away from them. I need to live isolated from society for my own good. For my own sake. 

Fierdan: Hey, hey, hey. You're just assuming things. *goes up to Duke, crouches to pick up the razor blades to later throw them away outside* 

Ryen: I'll make some hot drink. Do you want coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? 

Fierdan: *stands up* I'll have whatever Duke wants. 

Duke: *looks at the floor, says quietly* Hot chocolate, please. 

Ryen: Sure thing! *goes downstairs* 

[A few minutes later. Duke and Fierdan are also downstairs. Fierdan threw the razor blades in the garbage bin outside. Now they are in the kitchen waiting for the hot chocolate to be ready. Ryen is standing by the stove. Duke and Fierdan are sitting at the kitchen table.] 

Duke: *scratches chin* Wait, it's the weekend? 

Fierdan: Uh.. yes? 

Duke: Then where's the rest of them? Dawn, Ardere, Fauna? 

Ryen: Oh, they're not home. They went somewhere yesterday afternoon and didn't come back yet. Don't worry, nobody else heard our conversation. 

Duke: Oh okay. 

Ryen: Yeah, it's going to be okay. Maybe a little break could do you some good. 

Fierdan: Yeah, it's not the end of the world. Life can get better. *takes out a business-like card from his jeans pocket* Maybe you can use this. *pushes the card across the table to Duke* 

Duke: *grabs the card, looks at it* What is this? 

Fierdan: It's Help. It is useful to me, and I think it's time you'll need it too. I know I'm informing you about this a little late, but I need to remember to not minimize your pain. You've also been through a lot. 

Duke: I.. I don't know. It sounds scary. 

Fierdan: It is. Well, at first. But hey, all new things are scary, right? 

Ryen: *chuckles* Maybe you are more like a mom than I thought. 

Fierdan: *looks at Ryen* Maybe I am. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? 

Ryen: Nope. 

Duke: Thanks. Thanks for giving me this, Fierdan. I'll.. think about it. 

Fierdan: *smiles, like genuinely smiles at Duke* That's good to hear. 

Duke: But about what you said, what do you mean that you don't get facial hair? You worded it like you can't rather than you choose not to. 

Fierdan: *looks down at the table, sighs* 

Ryen: The hot chocolate is ready! *brings two cups of it to the table for Duke and Fierdan, goes back to fetch the third one for himself* 

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aww ;v; warm, soft, pure,,, 

My boys! ;~; <3 

Colored it!!

Ah yes hi, I colored it. 

The left bad drawing of Duke. That one. 

I feel like my colored art always has a different mood than when it's not colored. 

*sighs* 

Well, you can see that I have my colored pencils with me now. 

Yay. 

I didn't want to color the other two, so I covered them with a folder. 

With it colored in, it looks like another one of my Duke vent arts. It's a Duke vent (art). Ahaha, oh mood. 

I can't draw feet. I just realized how long and sharp his fingernails are. Wow, they must really be claws then. What a demon boy, huh. 

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Why is it impossible to upload a video from my camera roll onto here? What if I want to record something and put it in a post? Ever think of that, Blogspot? Huh???

And "voice recorder" websites, well, no of them work. What the heck is this garbage? Why won't they accept videos from my phone's camera roll? I want to talk in my posts sometimes, maybe even sing some nice hecking tunes. But no, I can't. It won't let me. Ahh why!! 

I am disappointed. 

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I'll be back. Bye. 

What is Duke doing?

Hi. Have another post about Duke. 

(ok but why tho) 

(idk just roll with it) 

I just finished doodling some Dukes. 

See? I included his name. :) 

Left: I planned on drawing him as a child, but it ended up looking like this. I didn't draw the top half of Duke's face and head on purpose. I didn't know what to do with his left arm. His right hand is over his heart. Dang, how majestic. I don't know how to draw arms crossed over a person's chest. I tried to draw that, but I failed. 

Top Right: Just a casual scene of Duke either standing on top of someone (with that someone's body between their legs, mmfgh).. or he's sitting on someone's chest. I didn't draw his face again. It adds some mystery. What does Duke's face look like? I'm not telling. See, so mysterious. And what's he doing? Just stabbing some long, hard object into the guy who's lying on the floor's eye. The guy is Taurel, and he sure looks shook tm. 

Bottom Right: I have this aesthetic picture of Duke's eyes stuck in my head. I tried to draw it, but honestly, this looks terrible. What are those eyelashes? They look so fake (:/ smh). It's supposed to be his bright amber-colored eye with crow feathers floating in front of and around it. And crows flying in the white part of his eye. Why? Because, Night Crow, that's why. Duke is such a black bird, ok. He's like such a black bird guy. Screw being a fox, Duke is part-crow. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm so stressed. 

I'm scared. 

:~} 

-x-x-x- 

This has nothing to do with the picture. Here's a skit. 

[It's during the middle of the night. Some time between 2 and 3 am. There's someone walking fairly quickly down a street. Besides the sound of chirping crickets, the only other sounds are of this someone's feet repeatedly hitting the pavement and this someone panting. A few minutes later, the someone walks up a few steps and stands on a house porch. The someone presses a right index finger to the doorbell. The finger doesn't move until the door opens. There is a tired-looking man dressed in gray pajamas in the doorway.] 

Ryen: *is the tired-looking man in gray pajamas who opened the door* 

The Someone: *takes finger off doorbell, slowly lowers hand* 

Ryen: *sighs* What are you doing out here at this hour, Duke? 

The Someone: *is Duke* 

Ryen: *gestures for Duke to come inside who does just that, closes and locks the door once Duke is inside* 

Duke: Hello, Ryen. 

Ryen: Why are you here? How did you--?

Duke: *voice sounds flat/serious* I walked. And before you ask, I didn't bring anything with me. 

Ryen: *yawns* You, you walked? 

Duke: Yes. 

Ryen: No wonder you came back now. It's nearly 3 am. 

Duke: It took several hours of walking. That.. place is a few hours away when driving. 

Ryen: You just left your college to walk all the way home? 

Duke: Exactly, my dude. *walks more into the house, has Ryen follow him into the kitchen* 

Ryen: Do you want anything? Water? 

Duke: Yeah sure. 

Ryen: *takes out a tall glass and pours water into it to the brim, gives it to Duke* 

Duke: *drinks all the water in the glass in under ten seconds, gives Ryen back the glass* 

Ryen: Wow, uh, you drink fast. 

Duke: I was thirsty. 

Ryen: *puts the glass in the sink* I can see that. 

Duke: I can easily down anything. *smiles at Ryen* Got any of the good stuff? 

Ryen: I just gave you water. Go eat something. 

Duke: And then you'll show me all the good stuff you've got stashed? 

Ryen: It's late. Go to bed. 

Duke: And what about you? You're gonna keep all the good stuff to yourself? That's selfish. 

Ryen: I'm not giving you any alcohol. You should know I'm the only one who lives here who can legally drink it. 

Duke: Ahh, come on, Ry Ry! 

Ryen: I said no. 

Duke: Don't you know I have to have a lot in my system before I seriously get drunk? I can handle one drink. 

Ryen: You're a minor, so no. 

Duke: A minor? I'm almost 19. That's how old Fierdan was in the first story.

Ryen: And just like Fierdan, you're both minors when it comes to the drinking age. 

Duke: How about just a beer? 

Ryen: How about no? 

Duke: Why? 

Ryen: Alcohol won't solve any problems you have. I thought you knew that already. 

Duke: Shut up. 

Ryen: Come on, let's sit in the living room. *walks to that room*

Duke: *sighs and follows Ryen* 

[Ryen and Duke sit on the couch in the living room.] 

Duke: Hey, where is Fierdan? 

Ryen: He's sleeping. 

Duke: Why aren't you sleeping? 

Ryen: I was going to the bathroom upstairs. Then I heard the doorbell ringing. For a few minutes nonstop. 

Duke: Haha yeah. 

Ryen: Fierdan sleeps a lot these days. 

Duke: Because he stole my sleeping pills. 

Ryen: Actually, no. He can sleep without them. 

Duke: For how long? An hour or two? 

Ryen: More like at least seven. 

Duke: Seven hours? 

Ryen: Yes. I opened his bedroom door to check if he really is sleeping just before I came downstairs. I could tell he really was asleep. He told me he was going to bed at 11. 

Duke: Wow, so he sure changed a lot in a year. 

Ryen: Yeah, we all did. But you're right. Fierdan changed a lot. And for the better. 

Duke: *sounds flat again* Oh.. yeah. 

Ryen: Seeing him asleep, genuinely asleep, warms my heart. It reminds me of when we were so young and genuinely happy. And now, well, this is the closest we've ever been to feeling genuinely happy in a long time. 

Duke: O.. kay. 

Ryen: And you remind me of having another younger brother. 

Duke: Aren't we like brothers though? 

Ryen: Yeah, I guess you'll always be like a younger version of Danny to me. 

Duke: *blinks*

Ryen: Oops, I meant to say Fierdan. Just seeing him happy and relaxed makes me want to call him Danny again. I think he kinda wants me to. 

Duke: That's sweet. 

Ryen: It is, huh? 

Duke: Yeah, it's nice that even though you two had hellish lives, you still have good memories from your young childhood days. 

Ryen: *sounds suddenly guilty for what he said* Duke... 

Duke: It's nice how you could still have happy memories despite it all. No parts, absolutely none of them, were happy in mine. I used to think I had something good and happy in my childhood, but I found out that, was, all, shit. 

Ryen: I shouldn't have... 

Duke: I shouldn't have been spending my life glorifying that bystander. You're right. He shouldn't have just allowed her to abuse me. If he loved me, he would have intervened. But no, he didn't. 

Ryen: Just let it out, Duke, let it out. 

Duke: *voice is drowning in emotions* Change for the better, huh? I'm happy for Fierdan, I really am. I, on the other hand, will never get that. There never was, and there sure as hell never will be, anything good to come with me being alive. Nothing is good. I'm too.. I don't deserve anything good. 

Ryen: *places a hand on top of one of Duke's* 

Duke: I've done bad things. Very, very bad things. I don't deserve happiness. I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay! *emotions are loud and flooding him* There really is nothing good to come out of my life. The only purpose my life has is to be tramatized. All my life is just traumatic event after another and another. Fuck, Ry, I'm traumatized. *pauses to take a breath, cries* Why did they do that?! Why did she.. why did he.. do those things to me? What did I actually do to deserve them to do that to me? Fierdan, he.. he isn't even a bad person. He didn't kill anyone except your guys' father. And that was a good thing! *speaks under his breath* I'm actually the bad person. I killed so many people. I.. I killed them. So many people died because of me. 

Ryen: Look, Duke, you are changing for the better. Those disgusting things they did to you is all in the past, in your shitty past. The further away those events are, the better you are becoming. You're getting farther and farther away from them with each passing day. That's change for the better. 

Duke: Don't you get it? I'm not a good person! Saying my name and that I'm a good person in the same sentence is a paradox. It can't make sense! 

Ryen: I never said you have to forgive them for what they did to you. But you can think about--

Duke: Forgiving myself? Why would I forgive myself for being a monster who kills people? 

Ryen: Forgive yourself for the other things. 

Duke: Forgive myself for causing innocent people to die? For threatening people? For breaking his body without taking him out of his misery? For having no mercy? 

Ryen: Look at me. I'm the reason Soulless was the way they were. I'm never going to forgive myself for what I did. I still think I'm a monster because of those actions of mine. I'll never forgive myself for that, but that doesn't mean I can't forgive myself for other things. 

Duke: Like what? 

Ryen: For.. I don't know.. allowing them to damage your body. For you damaging your own body. 

Duke: Ha, yeah okay sure. 

Ryen: I'm serious. 

Duke: I know you are. I just.. can't. I'm sorry, Ryen. 

[Duke stands up and goes upstairs. He stands in front of his bedroom door, but then he turns around to go to Fierdan's. Duke opens that door to see Fierdan's outline on his bed. He closes the door and goes back to staying in front of his door. There, he lies down on his side and hugs his knees to his chest. He closes his eyes. A few minutes later, Ryen sees Duke and thinks about opening Duke's door and tucking him into his bed, but then he decides not to. Instead, he simply whispers "good night" before going into his own room.] 

Goodnight. <3

well that's that

Uh.. hi. 

@ last post's #4: I got an A on that paper. :•) 

@ the essay I had to turn in before midnight: hahahahHA haaa aaahh ,,,, 

Welp, I gotta think of what to take next semester. I have half in mind, but I have to think of more. 

My class trip is going to be shorter today. There's no evening show that we're seeing in the city. 

My parents delivered a Halloween package to me. It has some pretty nice goodies in there. :3 

-----------------------

I've been thinking about Duke, and wow, he sure makes me sad. 

I love making fun of him in skits, but when I take time to think about him, I'm just like, "damn.. this freaking guy!" 

... I still wish I could properly draw him. .-. 

I'm getting emotional over Duke again. This freaking guy! 

I think he's one of the saddest characters in the whole story world thing. Saddest meaning what they went/gone through is so, freaking, sad and tragic and full of suffering. 

Even more than Fierdan. Perhaps way more than him. 

Dawn might be the closest to Duke though. Her life was very screwed up. Honestly like, bless her soul. She's like a goddess- the genuinely good in heart kind. 

I have so many scenes in mind of Duke and Dawn (separately, I mean) that are just so heartwrenching. It hurts. 

But at the same time, I feel like I'm getting off the vibe that I'm condoning everything Duke does. Which, by the way, is wrong. 

Like ok, Duke is supposed to be viewed as one of the ultimate evil story 1 characters. He's not, nor ever has been, all goody-two-shoes happy positive fella. Like, that ain't my Duke boy. Nah son. 

He is a protagonist, but like.. he's not that good of a person. 

Duke- messes Twinkle up so badly by bringing her into his whole story hell mess, brings harm to himself and the people close to him by his own doing or other people, kills a man and severely injures another and it's definitely not done in a way that would be considered humanely...

The last one. Duke hurts people physically and emotionally. Duke "tried?" (it's complicated) to kill people. Duke kills someone. He's a murderer. He's so bad. X'D 

But damn, I sure do love thinking all about my Duke character. 

Just,, him,,,, 

And then there's when he kinda like breaks down because he knows he's getting more and more demonic-like and less human. And he knows he's evil and how he's like a bad omen. And he's literally that cursed tragedy boy character. And in the end, he really is like a (very messed up) victim of it all. Like, he never wanted all the hell he had to go through. He didn't plan on his life being what it is. 

Duke's character development (of course this is spoilers): first a loud, frequent crier. then add more trauma to then get that numbness and much, much rarer amount of crying that's nearly silent. 

Yep. :] 

;~; </3 

the "you" is actually me

The "you" is actually me. 

That sounds cryptic. 

Yes. 

They're all true. 

Completely true. 

Yes. 

--------------

1. You grab some hair. It's yours. You didn't notice it until now. It's a mess. It is long. When did it get this long? You can't remember. You don't know why. Then while on the phone talking to your mom, you tell her that you want to get a haircut during Thanksgiving break. Your dad is also on the phone. He asks or tells you to cut off eleven inches of hair. You can't remember if he phrased it as a question, statement, or command. You don't even have eleven inches of hair. You say yes. For the past few years, you've always had the strongest desire to cut your hair in the colder months. You want to cut your hair short in the winter to be a rebel. You want short hair. Your hair is long again. Long hair is annoying. Your hair is a disaster. 

2. You sit at your desk at 10:30-ish. You stare at the blank Word document. Except no, it's not blank. You typed the MLA heading. Good for you. The minutes tick away. You start writing an hour later. You've been staring at the blank document for an hour. You feel dead. You type an essay with a few sophisticated sounding words and sentences. You don't know how. You don't know what you're writing about. You're paranoid your essay makes absolutely no sense, but you continue to write it. You finish it a few minutes after 3:00 am. It's three pages long. That afternoon, your friends in your class show you theirs. Theirs is only a page long. You take forever to finish reading your long ass essay draft out loud. No one else says a word. You begin to take bets that everyone is thinking in question marks. Your professor frowns at you and the other students. Why did you write so much? Why did you write philosophical sounding garbage at 2 am? The essay topic you came up with confuses you. At the same time, you're proud of it. Your friends complimented it. You still have to edit though. You feel lost. Please help. 

3. You wake up before 9:00. Your alarm goes off at 9:00. Why did you wake up before then? You went to bed a quarter after 3 am. You simultaneously feel dead and full of energy spewing from your never-ending anxiety. You walk to your first class only to find out the class is cancelled. You're not going back to sleep. You write a conclusion paragraph to the essay draft. You feel zoned out. You drink that bottle of vanilla frappuccino you bought to waken yourself up. You still feel dead inside. You have been for several years. 

4. It is supposedly the halfway point in the semester. Most of your professors have not put in any grades. You and your classmates discuss this. You are all panicking. You panic because you wonder how low your grade is going to drop because of the critical paper. You then laugh amongst your classmates. Help us, please. 

5. The essays and response paragraphs never stop. They can't end. There's always more, and more, and even more after that. You are so tired. You bs everything. Your classmates do too. You haven't showered on a daily basis since the semester started. You have essays and response paragraphs to write. You always do. They're always there, watching you from a distance. You feel haunted. You thought you got some sleep, but you thought wrong. You don't know what sleep is anymore. The papers assigned to you are obsessed with you. They won't let you go. 

... yes, this is all true. this is my life right now. (sunday, 10/21 - monday, 10/22.) 

Duke! fuc-

I'm going to swear in this post to prove how uncool I am. Also uh, trigger warnings. Heavy subjects are going to be mentioned.

..........

.................

............

.......

...............................

... ok. 

-x-x-x- 

I haven't made a post where I go ramble and cry about Duke in what seems like forever. 

(I abandoned my boy!) 

That's why I'm here now. To ramble and cry about our my boy, Duke. 

I got some new and organic thoughts about him this weekend. 

But unfortunately, I don't have time to write anything story-related. I want to write some new story (yes, from story 1 actually) ideas and Chapter 76, but I'm pretty much busy with writing assignments for college all the time. And I've been doubting my abilities as a writer. Writing is hard. I might write (lol that's ironic, Cutepups) about my feelings toward writing nowadays in that "Distortion" poem I mentioned. I don't even have time to write that, ugh. 

Haha no, I don't have time to even be making this post. But I want to. So here I am. Procrastinating on my assignments due tomorrow and Tuesday. (fml) 

I have to write something about this poem called "September 1, 1939" by W. H. Auden for my intro to literature class. And as I read it, my brain which is desperate to write things for my personal story project (aka "Twinkle's Story" .. I mean that thing lol) thought about my characters. 

And uh, just read these lines from it. (Help, I just want to write beautifully about my tragedy boys..) 

"A psychopathic god:

I and the public know

What all schoolchildren learn,

Those to whom evil is done

Do evil in return." 

(Auden)

I have to write about an emotion in it, and how it's incorporated in the poem. 

And my dumbass brain obsessed with my characters- Fierdan, Ryen, and Duke- thought about them as I read that part of the poem. 

The last two lines there. Their names are screaming in my head. 

(Just imagine me imagining myself pointing at that part of the poem and shouting, "Just @ my boys, damn it! That's.. that's Fierdan! Fuck! Duke and Ryen! Fuck!!!!" ... and then, "but alas, I can't possibly write about my fucked up characters. Calm thyself.") 

You, who is reading this, probably: dude, you're so messed up. just stop. 

:) no thanks. 

-x-x-x-

I wasn't even paying that much attention to that bad skit I posted nearly a week ago. 

"junkie" , "hangover" (which I originally spelled as "hungover" pfft) , "drunkie" ... ok, ok, back up, hold on a sec. 

Did I write that Duke was pretending to be high or drunk? They're different things. I, I'm confused. What are you, Duke? 

And what were the others smelling? There was no scent, right? How.. how did you do that, Duke? 

Duke: *enters skit scene being high and smelling like nicotine* 

Fauna?: ... hangover ... 

Duke: *is woke* Oops sorry, I am not high. *somehow does not smell like nicotine anymore* 

Brock: *is confused because he was secretly imagining Duke to smell like weed* 

Duke: *wants to validate Brock, idfk* I'm, I'm actually drunkie. 

*wheezes* what the actual fuck is this? 

And what was Fierdan even doing? Did he think Duke was pretending to be high or drunk? They're different, I know! 

Don't you two know the difference from your own personal experiences? You two (in Cutepups the creator's version of canon) definitely got drunk. Duke and Fierdan, you've drank lots of alcohol. And you don't know what being drunk means? 

Wh- What!?!

Viewers: wait what, they--?!

Me: yep 

Not sure if I said it before or not. But story Duke is canonically drunkie. Brock's headcanon is true.  

But yeah. He consumed alcohol many times. 

Oh and Fierdan too of course. Haha, of course he did. Who do you think he is? It's Fierdan (the fuck!)! 

Ryen too, honestly. 

Ok, next train of thought. 

-x-x-x- 

(I'm talking about in story, obviously.) 

Duke has memory problems. So does Dawn, but I'm just going to focus on Duke now. 

And, kinda spoiler-ish, it's not just because of Duke's memories connecting him to Fierdan being wiped. In other words, Duke didn't only forget his memories of being Fierdan's "reincarnation" before knowing the truth that he's not actually a reincarnation but a creation. Unlike those Fierdan memories, the other memories he had forgotten were Duke protecting himself. 

Ok and, like, Duke getting the memories back is so painful. Holy shit. 

If you're wondering why I'm doing this it's because having some of Duke's own old memories erased from his conscious mind actually makes the story make more sense. 

It might fill in a few plot holes. Especially since the story is in the characters' POVs, what Duke thinks and says and etc. it's from his perspective. And so, it doesn't have to be 100% accurate. 

I'm referring to Duke's childhood flashbacks, which are obviously only mentioned in his POV in the chapters. 

What he believes to have happened isn't exactly what happened. Some memories of his got erased completely, or he formed alternate (alternative? what's the word) memories which reassured him that those situations he was in weren't as bad as they actually were. 

And Duke somehow gets all the real childhood memories he erased or altered after spending a few days alone with Taurel torturing him. 

And then Duke is all like, "Did you and Risak seriously think you are capable of killing me? I've survived a lot of fucked up shit, so you've got to try a lot harder if you want to see me dead." 

Ok but, Duke just can't die. He's that strong. He's unstoppable. Wtf, I love him. 

-x-x-x- 

I kinda visualize Duke having a vaguely feminine-looking face and his long-ish hair isn't helping. But when Duke loses all his hair after Taurel cuts it and shaves his head, and after Duke becomes actually pretty fucking scary, he can't be mistaken as being feminine compared to other male characters his age. 

Like when Duke attacks Taurel (which is very violent btw), he looks like a fucked up grown ass man. Duke ain't no boy anymore. Duke is my man, thanks for coming to my TED talk. 

Unpopular Opinion- Duke viciously attacking Taurel is so hot and fucked up, holy shit! 

Hhhhhhffgh. Damn. 

-x-x-x- 

That flashback where little kid Duke cut into his chest. And how he only stopped when a red outline of blood was around the flame design on the left side of his chest. And how he "said" no one knew what he did. 

Yeah, I'm considering the fact that.. yeah, Duke was lying. 

Possibly. I don't know for sure. 

I just think it to be too suspicious that no one noticed Duke's white shirt having blood on it. And the smell of blood in the bathroom. Surely, someone had to smell some blood. Right? 

Maybe no one went up to Duke and directly asked him about what he did, but they had to notice something was off about him. 

Like ok. Duke didn't know himself that he was willing to do anything to get rid of the flame mark on his chest that he could have easily killed himself. He was so desperate to get rid of it that he wasn't aware of how close he was to killing himself then. 

And no one noticed? No one went to the bathroom after Duke? No one was willing to talk with him afterwards? No one wanted to know what he thought, his perspective of what happened? Seriously? 

That's just what Duke thought. That doesn't mean no one reached out to him. Like idk, *in a wary and apprehensive voice* "Uh, Duke, are you okay? Do you want to tell me what happened?" or something. 

Like geez ok, a child could have just killed himself in your bathroom, and you're not going to try and approach him? And ask what's wrong? Or at least want to know why he attacked those kids a few years older than him? Why he caused one of them to nearly drown? Why he freaked out and lashed out after people possibly saw the flame mark covering his heart? 

His mental state isn't healthy, you people! You can't possibly be that scared of seeing a literal child. Who is already a lot smaller than anyone else there. And is weak because hey, he lost some amount of blood. 

Those cousins or whoever they are, come on now!

Someone had to say something. Duke probably wasn't looking at them and either refused to say anything or said no. 

... yeah uh what. 

-x-x-x- 

(This one isn't about Duke. It's about Fierdan.) 

I can imagine Z being upset and thinking it's pitiful that Pre-Fierdan isn't tough and strong like he and his brother are. And Z constantly insults Pre-Fierdan (now I'll just use Danny instead) the few times they see each other. Z making derogatory comments on Danny's interests, personality, and even his body. 

And basically, Z is upset at Danny for being like a girl. And it's.. mean. 

And only when Z sees Danny after his voice drops and he has muscle and is only dressed in black (aka Danny/Pre-Fierdan is Fierdan) does he notice that hey, Daniel (what Z refers to Fierdan as) is a male. He's not a girl. And then Z is like, "I'm proud of you, my son." Only after Fierdan grew older and doesn't have the privilege to go back and have fun with things that are enjoyable and not violent.  

-x-x-x-

Just.. god. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Everything hurts. 

College sucks. I'm so tired. I hate bullshitting everything because I don't know how to not bullshit these fucking essays. 

I call myself a writer, but I can't even properly write. What kind of writer is that? A writer who can't write sure is ironic. But I guess that's me. 

And it's not, "oh it's just because you're stuck on a topic!" or "it's just because you're not interested in writing things you are required to do as class assignments" ok no. I can't write.. well. I don't even know when my writing skills all just plummeted and turned to dust. Is that just a thing that comes with age? 

I have an essay draft due tomorrow that I'm nowhere near finished with. I don't even know if my professor even thinks my topic is good enough.. I just don't know anything, I'm tired of being stupid, I'm just so done with everything. 

Everything I write sounds poorly worded and phrased. It all seems so.. so awkward. Like it's bullshit. 

This definitely includes whatever I type on here. It's all bad. It's all bullshit. 

I'm a writer? Yeah right. 

(I'm really not.) 

I don't deserve to be called one. Just because I have tons of ideas for my own story doesn't make me a writer. I know I'm not good enough to be one. 

I'm exhausted. Life is draining. Life is stressful.

It hurts all over. Nothing can ease the pain. I tried. 

Sorry, I got sad. Have a good week. I don't know if I will. 

Bye! <3

Thursday trips

I'll show you a few pictures from my two most recent class trips on Thursdays. 

Enjoy or whatever. 

-x-x-

From 2 weeks ago:

The first picture is the outside of a museum, actually. Yeah, I got to visit the cemetery with their graves. 

Like the play, Hamilton, huh..

-x-x- 

From yesterday: 

Stonewall! 

Wow, you can see like the entire sun in this picture! 

Got to see a rainbow! Look, how pretty! 🌈 

Wall Street and Greenwich Village (Washington Square Park). 

yo, hit me up. 

Inktober 2018? again

heck

I randomly decided to give Inktober another try. I spent the last half hour drawing with a regular pencil. 

Let's take a look. 

Bad language ahead. I'll insert my signature thing now. 

Ok. 

Now I'll show my art. 

Day 8: Star - Twinkle 

( S T E L L A )

She's the star. ;)

I can't decide how to draw her short hair. I keep on drawing her body not in correct proportion to her head. This is her at some point in Chapter 76. 

Day 10: Flowing - Fierdan 

I like to be edgy, so I came up with this. I like thinking about the whole thing with Fierdan and his hands. Is it blood or water dripping into his hands and flowing down his wrists? Why don't you decide? 

(I tried using my left hand as a reference. Uh.. this happened. Anyway, my body is cursed. I am in pain. :]) 

I am in pain. Nothing is working to relieve the pain. :] 

...

....

.....

......

fuck it ~~~

I'll be right back on my bullshit. 

o.k!

Ok. Hi. 

I read over my previous post several hours after posting it. I fixed the typos I found. I added a paragraph at the end. Read that if you haven't. Thanks. 

Why was I typing up a post that turned into a long bad skit while struggling to fix and add things to my lab report, and on top of that, having most of my fingers feel frozen when I didn't even have a reason to feel cold? Well, ahaha, I'm a mess. I don't know. 

My fingers felt the same way at least one other time this month. Maybe typing for hours.. numbs and freezes my fingertips? ..what--

And what am I doing now? 

Well, I'm back in my dorm. Fall break is over, sadly. Ugh, back to drowning in the stress of college life. Ahh, how f~u~n : ). 

Oh and I'm finally listening to the new Twenty One Pilots album. I should've listened to it sooner, dang. 

Yes, I still love this band. Shh. (just @ 2016 cutepups) 

I want to make an alternate skit where nothing that happened in the previous post's skit happened. 

One that's more lighthearted than depressing. (@ Duke boi) 

Oh and this isn't related to anything, but. I brought some of my art supplies from home. Now I have my colored pencils, markers, and the rest of the blank sheets of white paper from art sketchbooks with me in my dorm. I can properly attempt to do my bad quality art again. Yay. 

Uh, I'll conclude this post with random story thoughts I've had ever since Saturday or for at least a month. 

• Some characters that were first introduced in the story are mean and don't seem to have clear intentions on why they're behaving and acting certain ways. Those same characters end up not being as mean as their introductions make them out to be. 

• The opposite is also true. Some other characters that were first introduced are "nice" and clearly have good intentions. But those same characters end up being mean and more villainous than what their introductions make them out to be. 

• Even though I imagine adding three years to the ages of the main characters, I still think Fauna's thought about Fierdan remains relevant. I'm a little proud of myself..? Even if I change the story so he's always 19 years old (that would also mean making Duke, Twinkle, Finny, and Sparkle always be 17 years old and not that stupid age of 14 I came up with when I was that age), Fauna's line of thinking still makes sense. Nineteen is still a pretty young age. He's not even in his twenties. Nineteen. Still a number in the teens. So technically her feeling some sort of pity/sorrow (? tbh idk) for Fierdan through thinking he really is still a kid (ok, teenager) makes sense. ..right?

• Now when I think of Chapter 76, I call it the chapter where there's actually some explanation on how abuse/trauma affected/affects Ryen and Fierdan. 

• I absolutely love thinking of their breakdowns in Chapter 76. Yes, Ryen and Fierdan both break down in their respective POVs. 

• I sometimes believe that their mother was a more cruel and manipulative parent to them than their father ever was. And Z (aka their father) was definitely cruel and manipulative. He was downright abusive, and not just in one way. But I think their mother was just as, if not more, evil as their father was. She is probably one of the most important characters in the world of the story, but I honestly hate her nearly as much as Z. For entirely different reasons, of course. Even if I believe their mother to have damaged her children more, that doesn't mean I'll ever condone what Z did to them. 

• I think I should clarify that I imagine Dawn being nearly but not quite two years younger than Fierdan and then Duke. They're well over a year older than her. 

• I can't help but think about how "feminine-like (?)" Fierdan (pre, present, post) and Duke are compared to any other male character. Like, how I imagine them in my head compared to any other male character is so distinct. And yes, this applies to very young boy characters. Put Fierdan and Duke at the same ages as when other male characters were very young boys (who? idk? Ardere? Finny?) and I can imagine how much more "feminine-like (?)" Fierdan and Duke are compared to the others. I can kind of see them occasionally being mistaken for girls when they were little kids. Due to their appearances and behaviors/personalities. And yes, I'm purposefully including Duke in this.

Ahh, what is this? Oh shh. 

Yeah.. uh.. bye. 

 

my fingers ache, i'm sick of this

Oh hello. 

The movie was good. It's a foreign film. Was worth seeing. 

No classes today and tomorrow. Spending time home this past weekend made me happy. I'm going back tomorrow, sadly. 

College  :'( ../

Eww, allergies. Heck. 

Oh and today's my brother's birthday. Ok.. 

I'm sad. Gotta go back to college and do more papers and exams when I get back. 

Back to college hell. Yay. :| 

It's just a little over a month till Thanksgiving break. A little under ten days more than a month. Right? Yeah? I don't know, I'm tired. 

Anyway... *insert writing transition here* 

For the past few Fridays, I had this poem (idea) in mind I wanted to post. 

But then due to what happened the past few days, I think they added onto the point I wanted my poem to have. 

I'm calling the poem, Distortion. 

It's going to contain themes that some people might find disturbing/uncomfortable. 

But you really should know better if you've been reading my poems, chapters, other prose (?), and way too many vent posts. *shrugs* 

My fingers ache. It's hard to move them how I'd like them to. I have to type so much on my computer's keyboard. I'm typing this on my phone. Oh and on top of that, my fingers feel distinctly colder than the other parts of my hands. The part of my fingers where the fingerprints are feel the coldest. Wow, they hurt. 

I suddenly got my allergy symptoms while I was sleeping. Now I feel sick. But it's probably the allergies. I better not have gotten a cold from other people. I swear.. 

Umm... *insert other transition here* 

I thought of a very trashy skit yesterday afternoon while in the car. It's such a bad skit idea because I don't have enough creativity to be anything more than very vague. 

But yeah. I'm in college. University. Uni. Whatever you call it. 

(... I can only tap the letters on my phone's keyboard with just one finger, huh.) 

Here, have a truly bad skit. Might contain mention of drugs. Yeah, it's horrible. I hate how I came up with this skit idea. 

----------------x---------------

[Background info: Even though they attend different colleges (I'm just gonna call them that instead of switching between college and university // we get it, cutepups, you americanize everything), they are on their fall breaks at the same time. They're talking in the living room in the big house skit location. The skit characters have reunited, how sweet. 

Ardere: *smiles* It's nice seeing you all again. 

Dawn: Yeah, it's been pretty quiet and peaceful without you all here. 

Sparkle: *frowns at Dawn, puts her hands on her hips* For the record, I'm not the cause of the ruckus. Talk to the boys. 

Finny: *sounds nervous* Hey, what did I do? 

Sparkle: *is now face-palming (that's something said in like 2014, stop)* Nothing. You did nothing, Finny. 

Finny: Then say their names. 

Sparkle: Ugh. Fine, Finny, I'll say their names. 

Twinkle: We know we can all hear you, right? 

Sparkle: Yes, I know. 

Finny: Names? 

Duke: *takes off the hood from his, well from his hoodie* I missed you so much, Ardere. You're like the source of my happiness. *looks confused, scratches chin* I'm so sad, haha! 

Brock: What's wrong, Duke? 

Duke: *is strangely laughing* I'm extremely sad! 

Sparkle: I meant those two, Finny. Obviously, I meant Duke and Brock. 

Finny: Thanks for telling me, Sparkle. 

Sparkle: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. 

Duke: *is no longer laughing* I'm a man, and wow, that's messed up. 

Twinkle: Shut up, Duke. We all know you'll always be childish. 

Duke: *attempts to point a finger at Twinkle but points at Fauna instead* Stop being so mean to me! 

[There is a moment of awkward silence. Fierdan and Ryen laugh quietly to each other. Definitely because of Duke. Fauna breaks the silence. She's such a savage omg I love her.] 

Fauna: Duke is definitely a junkie. 

Brock: Hey, his clothes are not trash. Sure, they smell funny, but.. *the realization hits* Oh. 

Fauna: I bet he's either high or recovering from a hangover right now. 

Duke: Stop being so rude! 

Fierdan: *is still laughing* She's just stating the truth. 

Ryen: You're always the one getting yourself involved in alcohol and other drugs. How is college really going for you, Duke? 

Duke: *is suddenly shrieking (not yelling or shouting- shrieking)* It's how I cope! I hate you! 

Twinkle: Do you want to make us all deaf? 

Duke: *shakily puts the hood back over his head* No. 

Twinkle: Good. 

[A few minutes later. Duke walks to the next room over.]

Sparkle: Why did I have bets on Duke to be the first one to try drugs at college? 

Twinkle: We all knew it would be him. 

Sparkle: Hey Duke, how far in the semester did you get your ju--?

Brock: Stop it. Everyone knows I was the first to call Duke a "drunkie" for a reason. 

Finny: Wow, you guys are acting like jerks. 

[Duke walks back, holding the hoodie in his hand. He goes right behind Finny and puts a hand on his shoulder. Finny turns around to see Duke frowning and looking very tired- but also completely sober.] 

Finny: *is clearly confused* Uh.. what? 

Brock: Wait.. what? 

Duke: I planned on acting like that when we met up again for a month now. I just wanted to see and hear all your reactions, and they were hilarious. 

Brock: So you're not a drug junkie?

Duke: *walks around them* Nah, man. 

Sparkle: But your hoodie. Give me that. 

Duke: Sure. *tosses it to her* 

Sparkle: *examines the hoodie which is now in her hands* How the hell did you do that? 

Duke: I have my ways. 

Twinkle: What's going on? 

Sparkle: The hoodie never had any smell. We all just assumed it would smell because of Duke's behavior. 

Twinkle: Whoa, hold on. Give me it. 

Sparkle: *gives the hoodie to Twinkle*

Twinkle: I don't smell anything on it. What the hell is this? 

Duke: *pulls out a tube of mascara from his jeans back right pocket* Oh, I used this to make my eyes have bigger dark circles around them. 

Ardere: That's cool, Duke. You didn't have to scare us all though. 

Dawn: *stares at Duke* Are you majoring in psychology? 

Duke: Not that I know of. 

Dawn: In drama? Are you becoming involved in theater? 

Duke: I don't think I am. So, no. 

Fauna: I can kinda imagine it. 

Duke: Oh, really? 

Fauna: No. 

Duke: You know what? I meant what I said about you and Twinkle being rude and mean to me. 

Fauna: Ah, we know. 

[Duke walks up to Fierdan and Ryen. They've been too quiet. I don't even know why. Maybe I'll explain why as I continue this skit.] 

Duke: I'm surprised you didn't say anything. 

Fierdan: Why would we? Do you think we would notice that you were pretending? 

Duke: Well.. yeah. I thought you were smart when it comes to this kind of stuff. 

Fierdan: Oh, Ryen and I both are. 

Duke: Then why didn't you or him say anything? You should know more than anyone else that I don't want to use alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism. You know it reminds me too much of my past. Come on, I heard you two laughing! You two knew! 

Fierdan: Maybe you don't actually know yourself. 

Duke: Are you saying you know something I don't? 

Fierdan: Yes. Thanks to what Ryen told me when you walked away to the other room. 

Duke: *looks at Ryen* What did you say? 

Ryen: *looks right in Duke's eyes* I knew your words were genuine. They weren't really part of your act. 

Duke: What do you mean? *starts trembling ever so slightly* 

Twinkle: Wait, Duke, the rest of us.. I... 

Sparkle: Stop being extra. Be different for once. 

Duke: *turns away from Ryen and Fierdan to face the rest of them, somehow shrieks just like before* Shut up! Shut the hell up! If I'm still being quote-in-quote "extra" then I'm not consciously doing so. 

Fauna: It's okay. Your personality is extra by nature, so you can't help it. 

Duke: *yells, his voice pitch isn't as high as when he was shrieking* Oh, I'm sorry I can't help but be extra and a burden just by continuing to exist. It's not like I'm not aware of how much everyone can't stand me, no matter how much I attempt to change my personality to make people besides you all to like me at least a little! 

Twinkle: Do you still think you're a burden on us? You're not, you're not... 

Duke: *suddenly looks intimidating, and how he's showing all his teeth while grinning isn't helping* Maybe I should have killed you just like I killed your sister! *gets covered in tiny flames that switch from orange to black repeatedly* 

Brock: Whoa Duke, you can't just threaten to kill people! 

Duke: *looks slightly less creepy, still has the flames switching colors* Stay out of it, Brock! You deserve better, you deserve better, you deserve better.. than me. 

Ryen: *puts a hand on the base of Duke's neck* 

Duke: *surprisingly does not lunge at Fauna or Twinkle, but instead he now stands completely still and devoid of emotion* 

[Everyone stares at Ryen and Duke. I'm starting to enjoy this skit. Ahh.]

Ryen: *talks to Duke* That's right. You deserve better. A better past, better life circumstances, but that doesn't mean...

Duke: *is no longer covered in flames, does not turn around to face Ryen* I'm a burden, so how can I deserve anything better? 

Ryen: Face me. Please. 

Duke: *suddenly starts trembling like before* Why? 

Ryen: Okay, then tell me how college is going for you. 

Duke: It's fine, really. I'm.. doing.. fine. 

Fierdan: What is wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that. 

Duke: Why would I? What would I say? 

Ryen: *removes his hand from the back of Duke's neck*

Finny: Oh, we can totally talk about our college experiences. I wanted to all along. 

[And yet again, Duke changes character completely. Now he is clearly trembling, and he refuses to look at anyone.] 

Duke: Okay, you got me. I lied. I'm not.. I never was... 

Ryen: Was what? 

Duke: Fine! I'm not fine. I never was fine. 

Ryen: Care to elaborate? 

Duke: Cutepups is writing this skit because Cutepups does not know how to show other people honest feelings. 

Brock: Huh? 

Duke: College is a new hell. It's not going as smoothly as you would all like to think it is. I'm not having a good time. I'm nothing without you guys, so I'm all alone at college. I have nothing; I am nothing. I'm not fine. I've been stressed every day, and the assignments I complete are never good enough. I'm never good enough for anything! Compared to everyone around me, I'm a complete idiot. You're right. I am stupid, I am childish, I'm.. *sighs* I hope I die in my sleep. 

Fierdan: Umm, @ Cutepups our creator, are you okay? 

Brock: Huh? How can you just fourth-wall so casually? 

Fierdan: I have no idea, Brock. Can we continue the skit now, Cutepups? 

Me: Yeah sure. 

Duke: College is so hard. We're not even a full two months in, and I don't know how much longer I can take. 

Me: Oh whoops, sorry. Don't mind me projecting on Duke. Ha, ha. 

Duke: I'm so tired. I missed you all so much. I think I'm going insane. Like, I can't handle anything without messing some part up. My destiny is just to be a burden on everyone in my pathetic life. 

Fierdan: You're not a burden. 

Duke: Then why am I so extra? Why can't I do anything on my own? 

Fierdan: Because you're made of part of my soul. You can't ever be your own person because you're a part of my soul. 

Duke: I didn't mean it like that. 

Fierdan: I know you didn't. 

Ryen: Care to face us? 

Duke: Okay. *turns around to face Ryen and Fierdan* 

[You all know what's going to happen.] 

Fierdan: *gives Duke a big hug*

Brock: Dang, Fierdan gives the best hugs. I want to be hugged. 

Sparkle. No. Just no. 

Brock: What? 

Sparkle: Stop interrupting the skit. 

Brock: Huh? What do you mean? 

Sparkle: Ugh! 

[Oh, where was I? Oh, that's right.] 

Fierdan: I thought you knew that there's nothing wrong with you. I'm guilty of what I did to make you who you are every single day. But you've got to learn that you don't burden anyone by existing. 

Duke: Then why do they all hate me? 

Fierdan: I don't hate you. 

Duke: Not you. Them. 

Fierdan: They don't hate you either. 

Duke: I meant people at college. I don't belong anywhere. We don't go to the same schools. It hurts me. 

Ryen: Do you want to transfer? 

Duke: No. I mean.. I don't know. I think the same things will happen no matter where I go. 

Fierdan: Is there a reason you came in here pretending to be high? 

Duke: *breaks out of the hug* Sometimes I wish it would be better to fall into old habits. *sighs* Sometimes I think the only way I could truly be happy again is if I let drugs take over my life. Because, well damn, I can't seem to ever stay happy when I don't have any. And if not hard drugs, then I wish I could stay drunk all the time, so I could accurately hold the title of drunkie. 

Ryen: Duke, what do you need help with? I've been through my first year of college. I can help. 

Duke: I need help with everything. I'd rather not be more specific than that because I hate showing emotions. I hate how I always end up doing that though. 

Ryen: You're not a burden on any of us. Please let me, or anyone else, help you. You can really be fine again without having to be high or drunk.

Duke: *sounds monotonous* Okay. Sure. Whatever you say. 

----------

I, I can't think. 

Bye. 

(PS: I only thought of the first two or three skit dialogue paragraphs on Sunday. I decided to elaborate from there, which resulted in this longer than I intended to write skit mess. I was writing this post while working on finishing a lab report. Bad decisions were made on my part. Halfway through the skit, my fingers stopped aching and feeling frozen. I seriously could only move my thumbs and index fingers on both hands. My other fingers wouldn't move. It felt terrible. I have other skits in mind; I'll post them soon if I'm not too busy. But it's that time of year- midterms. Ah, I'm stressed. Yeah, thanks for reading. Bye again.) 

it's fall break! :)

Whoops, I forgot to post for a few days. 

It's fall break. I came home Friday night. I don't have classes again till Wednesday, so I have a long weekend, and so I'm home for now. 

I got to see my pets again. I missed them so much. 

They told me that Thelma missed me, but ever since I came home, she's been distant with me. Sunshine has been chill though. Zo was a little jumpy and frightened at first, haha. 

I had to take a train and bus to get home. I sat with a new friend on the train ride. I just caught the express bus, so I didn't have to wait for a bus. And the first stop it made was at the stop I had to get off at. So yeah, that was convenient. It made me pretty happy. It was good. 

It's so nice not being in a dorm. No outside noises. I can finally take a shower with an actual door and with warm water. The water is only pretty damn cold when I shower at college. 

It's nice, ok. 

So since our second Thursday class got cancelled, three of us hung out after class. Hung out in one of their dorms. Watched Netflix. Then the other friend persuaded the one whose dorm we were in and me to go to this improv meeting thing. And boy was that fun. I barely knew what to do and say, but really it was fun. 

Hmm.. is this what "friends" is? This is what this thing called "friends" do? Hmmmmmm?

Oh and I finally was able to talk to my bro on the phone. It's been.. a while, ha ha. 

Going to see a special movie with my grandma this afternoon and then go to another restaurant, supposedly. Sounds good. 

See ya next time. 

oh hey tomorrow's wednesday

*types me, at 11:44 pm* 

Ok, Cutepups, o.k. 

Well, it's 11:45 now. 

Anyway hey, made it through Tuesday. Yeah. 

Haha, Wednesday is also gonna be a long day filled with lots of writing. Got a paper due on Thursday. I really should seriously work on it some more. 

Hmm.. yeah. 

Got a test on Wednesday too. It shouldn't be too hard/bad..? (I hope. Got a 20/20 on the quiz. Uhmm.)

I took a pause from studying to make this post. After checking dA for a few minutes. Uh yeah. Ok. 

Oh and I got my bus ticket. Now I can travel home on Friday. Cool. 

After Thursday afternoon, the stressful peak of the week is over. Academic-wise, that is. Friday? Well, I hope I make it out okay. Haha ok. 

I'm in a cluster, which is where there are three classes but with the same students. I go to various places within NYC with them each week. But there's no trip this week. All three classes are intensive writing classes. There's a lot of writing. And analyzing. And critical thinking. And struggling on how to phrase things so essays are coherent. I know I rambled quite a lot about papers I had to do already. Well, that's what takes up the majority of my time nowadays, so.. I'm gonna ramble about that quite a bit on here. Cutepups life stuff, amirite? 

And my classes outside of that are a math course and a bio course. Gotta get those gen-eds out of the way. Amirite? 

Viewers: Your posts are boring nowadays. Make a skit or something! :/

Me: I really want to, but college stuff is taking up so much of my time. I always have at least one paper (btw papers are either essays or at least one and a half page paragraphs.. I write a lot so my essays are usually 3 and a half to 5 pages, and I have the longest one I have to do so far due on Thursday).

Yeah ahh, it's 12:00 am. Midnight. 

Today is Wednesday, you fool! Dang it, me. 

........ ...... ..... ok 👌 

ok ok monday down here comes tuesday stress day

Yeah hi, it's no longer Monday. 

Monday down, four more days to go. Ok, ok. 

Monday wasn't that bad, actually. It was better than I thought it'd be. 

Still got more work to do. Including writing assignments due in class this afternoon. (I spent four hours writing an essay for that one other class I have today also in the afternoon. My fingers aren't as willing to move right now. I'm only using one finger to type this. Yeah.. ok.) 

(My papers so far have generally been longer than those of my classmates'. Am I writing too much? ..perhaps.) 

Monday evenings to Tuesday early afternoons are the times of the week I'm most stressed, I'd say. I always get so many papers due on Tuesday, and me being a fool only gets real focused on working on them the evening/night before or morning they're due. I get too tired to write three papers straight in a row. 

See? This is why I hate myself. Manage your time better, me! You're not even really doing anything on the weekend anyways! 

Smh. I'm awful. 

Oh and on Friday, I'm taking a train by myself. I spent Monday evening figuring out how to order and purchase tickets (since you can do that online) and now I have it figured out. I have my train ticket. Yay. 

Still a little worried because I'll have to walk and find places all by myself with no in-person guidance from people I know. They won't be there to accompany me. Oh heck, oh geez. 

Just me. Walking from that station to that station. Yeah uh.. ok. 

My fingers kinda hurt. I'm gonna end the post then. Ha, ha, ah.. 

Ok. Bye. 

or ... not

Or, you know, I could just refuse to look at my blog for the rest of the weekend and not post anything. 

Which I did. Yet again. 

Ah heh.. 

Anything I say- bad, terrible, immediate regret. 

Eww, it's Monday. Eww, I still have to go to classes today. 

Not next week though. No classes on Monday and Tuesday next week. 

Can't wait for that, but I'm very stressed and worried and have all that lovely anxiety about the end of this week. 

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I'm so tired. I can't sleep well here. I just want to be alone and not get bothered by other people. 

Why are lights so bright? Why are doors so loud? Like ok.. rude. 

Concentration? What's that? How does one.. do that? 

I can't tell if sometimes(?) I just have procrastination or if it's also executive dysfunction. I don't know at this point. All I know is I'm stupid and regret everything I do, so I'm always tired, sad, and mad. 

I can only really focus on my assignments the day before they're due, huh.. 

Wow, I hate myself. :] 

Why can't I just do those things? I tell myself to, but then I just.. don't. 

Why am I always stuck? I'm an idiot. 

Everyone around me is better than me by ten-fold, and I have no excuse compared to them. That's just the facts. 

I have to leave for my first class soon. Ugh. 

Here's the start of another long week of college hell.

Bye.