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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Duke and Fierdan talk (10/29-30)

Hi, I want to dedicate a post to talk about Duke and Fierdan. Yes, it is this post. 

All those sensitive topics could be mentioned here. All of them. I mean that. 

Heed by my warning. Thanks. 

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-x-x-x-

Don't worry, I didn't really project myself on Duke in this recent skit. For the most part. I'm doing better than him. For the most part. 

So why did I write Duke like that? Well, it's because I can't really imagine skit Duke doing excellent in college/university. Especially since he's away from every other skit character. 

As we all know, I like making fun of Duke in my skits. But actually, Duke has the ability to be a scary level of intelligent if he wants to. He's not that, well, school smart. But he really is smart. Just not when it comes to school-like situations. 

I imagine Duke having difficulty adjusting to the college life. Before anyone thinks of asking, I don't know which college. (ok lol) 

At college, I can also imagine Duke being desperate to get his hands on alcohol. He's so tired and done with everything. He doesn't know how to handle this new step of life that he believed he would live to be in. 

And so, he gets a little upset when it's harder for him to get any alcohol than he thought when he reaches the house. Ryen won't let him have any. 

Honestly, the only skit ideas I have these days all have the theme of Duke's declined mental state. I feel like I never put enough attention to describing his mental health in the skits. And if you're reading this and forgot the context behind the skits since 2017, they're supposed to happen in an alternate skit universe at the time when story 1 ("Twinkle's Story") is over. 

I've been thinking about Duke a lot again. Not as much as before the college semester started, but I'm still spending time thinking about him. Oh and the same goes for Fierdan. 

The things Duke had to go through in story 1 totally messed him up. His childhood consists of (mainly physical) abuse, self harm, and starting in his early adolescent years (I'm not saying 13 because I think this includes him at 12 years) suicidal thoughts and actions. Then in the story, he has these scary hallucinations, he grows to be more of an asshole and makes several violent threats, he has people who want to kill and/or torture him, he gets tortured, and he witnesses the death of his new close friend who made him happy and also the dead body of his old close friend who made his life better despite everything that happened between them in the story. Oh and then Duke himself dies. 

And, just saying, if Duke stayed alive for a while (half a year? a year? idk tbh) after the events of story 1, I can totally see him getting diagnosed with PTSD. And honestly, getting proper diagnoses for the other.. conditions(?) Duke pretty much has. 

During his being kidnapped as a hostage and torture arc, I can't stop thinking about Duke's physical and mental states. Even before then and throughout the whole story honestly, his mental state is on the decline. He keeps on getting worse and worse.. like, it's pretty obvious. Have you met him? No? Well, neither have I. (wait what was I saying?) 

I've been so focused on writing about Fierdan/Post-Fierdan/Danny's PTSD that I don't think I ever really mentioned that he isn't the only character that has that. 

(PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not sure if it's right for me to consider it being C-PTSD. I think the C is for Complex..? Well anyway, yeah.) 

During the second half of the torture arc to Duke's death, Duke begins to show the symptoms of it. It freaks him out when he realizes how fucked up his childhood is. The impact of his life always being made up of being abused, self harm, self-hatred, being seen as a monster or error or someone who is better off and wanted dead, and then later finding out why after so many years finally caught up to him once he starts getting used to being tortured for a few days straight. 

Like ok fuck no. He's not okay with any of it. He's so sad and mad. And he is angry. Furious. He's hurt all over, repeatedly. He's evolving to become more of a monster than Fierdan ever was. He wants to hurt the people who hurt him. He attacks them. I visualize it happening in my head, and it's all so graphic. It's painful. 

And when he escapes and is no longer being tortured, he only stays his usual loud and obnoxious self for a few days. He seems kind of villainous at that part. 

Then after that, Duke just shuts down. He no longer externalizes (is that even a word? idk) everything by yelling and crying out to anyone nearby who can hear him. I wouldn't say Duke grows more mature, but he kind of does. It's not a good thing though. 

He internalizes everything. He becomes numb. He stops yelling and crying loudly. He stops visibly showing his emotions. He stops.. feeling. 

He's stuck thinking over his life and how fucked up it had been so far. And not just about his past. He's stuck thinking how he knows he will die soon. 

-x-x-x- 

When I think about, I'm not sure if it stays (?) consistently with him in the story. But like, I've been thinking about it. 

I think that ever since Duke was a child and could understand what it meant to have the purple and black flame mark over his heart, he knew it was a flaw/body error. He always wanted to cover it up, but he didn't know how, so he always had it covered. He hated it. He tried to get rid of it, but he failed because he couldn't cut deep enough into his skin. 

So my point is that I think Duke, at least at some point of his life, has/had body dysmorphia. But only about his chest. 

But then again. Not that far in the story, he's like "you know what? fuck it!" and he shows Twinkle the flame mark completely uncovered. 

But I don't think that dismisses the fact how he had the symptoms of it when he was younger. He was shown the flame mark meant something bad since it turned out Calliah abused him because of it. So of course he couldn't show others it. It's a terrible thing. He's cursed. There's a reason his mother hates him. There has to be a reason why, so it must be because of the flame mark. 

Yeah uh. 

Duke spent most of his life the most anxious over people (besides Calliah) seeing his flame mark. That's what he had anxiety about. 

Umm yeah. 

I'm pretty sure I said it before, but in addition to those two mental illnesses, I see Duke as having a depressive/mood disorder and some form (?) of psychosis. I'm not that certain if it makes sense for me to say he can have all of them though. 

But yeah. That's my boy, Duke. (ahh heck!) 

-x-x-x- 

I can't really see Twinkle (Stella as I call her more often now) having PTSD. 

But for the other main characters, I guess I do..? I think logically, Ryen would have it as well, but it's hard for me to think about him having it. But I think it would make sense for him to? (gosh idk) 

It's easier for me to imagine Dawn having it than Ryen. 

It'll become clear why when Dawn gets all those memories of her life in the original world. Specifically, when she technically became an orphan due to both her parents having been killed. And how Z took her into his life with his children (Ryen and Danny/Fierdan). And what happened then. 

-x-x-x-

Anyway, none of the characters I mentioned so far (ok wait, minus Calliah and Z) are in good and stable mental health (like I've been saying here) and none of them are straight (hetero-romantic heterosexual). I just can't view any of them as being straight. (sorry, sweaties :•<) 

I just can't do it, guys. That's not who they are. 

Got a problem with that? Then bye, see ya, bye-bye. Got a problem with me creating characters that aren't pure and morally good 100% (oh wait, literally none of my characters are lmao) having marginalized identities? Well uh, sorry bye. 

And none of them have the same sexuality either. By saying they're not straight, it doesn't mean they're all gay. Some aren't. 

Yeah ok. Yep. Ok. 

-x-x-x- 

A few months ago, I was reading some old chapters. And can I just say? Some of the lines Duke said sound so disgusting. Like.. damn it.. if there's a reason I make Fierdan kill him it's because of what I made him say a few years ago. 

I'm not even talking about how (tbh, yeah wow I know past me sucked) ableist I worded some (tbh, major) things. That bothers me a lot too, but I'm not focusing on that right now. Well, except for this paragraph I guess. 

If read in a certain context, I can see a few old Duke lines and it looks.. it looks... (wtf past me, ughh)...

It looks like Duke is lowkey (trying to be? (yeah ikr wtf)) contributing to rape culture. 

(I seriously need to change those lines some day. Because holy shit, it's.. it's bad. And since Duke is obviously one of my favorite characters. Murder? Yeah it's bad, but I'm fine with it being viewed as not all bad (in my story I mean, pfft). But rape or anything similar? Oh hell no. There's nothing justified about it. Nothing.) 

Duke, just stop. Don't say those things. Shush, my child. Saying that shit does not make you look cool. 

(For example, I'm thinking of Chapter 41. I think it was that one..? Well anyway...) 

(Disclaimer: Humans! That's them!) 

Duke, my boy, you two only made-out. Yes, I think it was for a few hours. (wow, that's hardcore) 

(This isn't related to anything lol but hey, I'm mainly called Cutepups on here. I think I have some romance repulsion and sex repulsion. But you know what? Fuck me. I'm going to talk a little about romance and sex. Yeah, I don't understand my decisions either.) 

But you and her (who is she? Twinkle lol) didn't do anything more than kiss. And to be honest, that's too much for my taste. Guys, stop pretending to be Straight TM. You're not lmao. 

Duke, you fool! You didn't have sex. Stop wording it like you did. You didn't you .. *hears "bum" in a song* bum. 

(Bum ... wtf Cutepups. idk lol) 

I'm surprised nobody caught that. Umm.. uh.. ok. 

*shrugs* just sayin'. 

-x-x-x-

Anyway, most of my views on Fierdan took a 180 degree turn from my original views on him. They're basically all opposite. 

I don't know how to describe it, but I first imagined Fierdan as having this intimidating aura and that.. that he's very sexual. But with who? There's no other person where he is lmao. 

This is probably making you all so uncomfortable. Oh haha, my thoughts get.. bad. ;{ 

He isn't asexual, but he isn't an obsessively sexual and horny creep that I lowkey thought he was in 2015 or something. I just can't. Thinking he is just makes me want to cry in laughter. It's funny to think about. 

But I have to say Fierdan has strong thoughts/feelings when it comes to sex. One being that he fucking hates sexual abusers as one rightfully should. :-) 

And he kills one. Because. He can. :-) 

Z is scum. When I say I hate him and there's a reason there's something good in having his younger son perform the act of killing him, I.. I mean it. :-) 

Haha wtf @ me. 

Spoilers? Aww, oops. 

Shit, my bad. 

-x-x-x-

Time check: It is currently 2:31 am on a Tuesday. 

I started this post a few minutes before midnight. Dang, this must be so long already. 

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Even when Fierdan was in his edgy literal murder phase, there was some good to him. 

He hates rapists with a burning passion (as one rightfully should :-) )

Until he becomes too fucked up and obsessed with violence and death, he is protective over Dawn. Ironic as it all seems, he keeps her safe. And no, he isn't abusive towards her. 

(Not like Z *cough, cough*) 

I honestly love the relationship between Dawn and child Fierdan. It's so good and sweet and.. good. 

And then Fierdan eventually grew up into a pile of shit. 

(Why would you hurt her? You fucking fool! Ahh!) 

But before then? Oh, I love them so much. 

-x-x-x- 

Oh and Z is that asshole type of man who in addition to being an all around abusive piece of shit father, he: 

- is a misogynist 
- is obsessed with class/hierarchy 
- is somewhat obsessed with traditional gender roles 
- would be homophobic and transphobic (and if he stayed alive and knew that his sons wouldn't have biological children to continue the bloodline, he would lose his shit and hate them even more obviously lol) 

and I could be skipping some things. 

-x-x-x- 

I also have, in the recent few months, new images in my head over Fierdan's true body. 

It's.. interesting to think about. 

It might change all our views on him. But this time, from a physical standpoint. 

Oh haha, plot twist! Didn't think that now, did you? Nah.  

I'm not saying what exactly I mean by this. 

Hints: 
- what is said in the last post's skit 
- Chapter 76 Fierdan's POV 
- a possible reason why Z never took much notice or care to Pre-Fierdan Danny? and why he thinks that Danny is weak and pathetic and unworthy? 
- also why Soulless and even Ryen himself think that Danny is weak and pathetic? 
- oh hmm.. hmm.. mmm.... 
- Fierdan, what a guy. I must say, he sure is one freaking guy. 

"true body" yes. 

-x-x-x- 

If you finally reached this point in the post, thank you so much for reading. 

Take care of yourselves. It's almost Halloween. 

<3 <3 <3 

~ Cutepups 

3 comments:

  1. I don't typically view Duke as a villainous character; I mean, he's done a lotta bad stuff, but when you feel sorry for someone I guess you can almost... justify it??
    SURE, Duke may not have the best coping mechanisms, and HELL did he do some stuff in the past... but at the same time, you can't help but not hate him!
    He's just a lovable depressed dork who means well and who's just had it rough since forever. <3

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    1. I don't know how I first thought your comment was going to be you hating on Duke, and then I was thinking, "yes!" in my head. Well, I thought completely wrong (pfft lol).
      I had the feeling this post would make it justified to hate him (even I do to an extent, then I read your comment and, asdfghjkl-). Duke, honestly, he's such a character. What a guy, am I right.
      "rough since forever" well that's pretty much true ;;. I'm not sure if he truly means well though. He's just.. gosh, he's quite the character.

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    2. He's only human~
      (Something I can't say about literally any one of my characters, but y'know..)

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