uhh ok oops

It's the last day of January, and I didn't create 31 posts this month. Oh darn, what a shame.

Yeah anyway, nothing matters lol.

I had a math test today. I hope I did okay. Yeah heh.

So, uh, this is a pathetic post topic, but oh well. I've been thinking about this blog, and how I've ruined so many words. I've just lost their meanings. Yeah, it's weird.

I check this blog every day, but I've kinda been forgetting the blog name. I read it every day at the top of the blog, but I also have been forgetting about it. 

"The Jamaa Mist".. "blogspot"... huh wow. This is one weird blogspot blog. I'm not sure if I even consider what I type in my posts, blogging, anymore. How is this blogging? I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I haven't been on AJ in so many months, so this blog name is a lie. I forgot I still have that as my blog name. I'm too lazy to start again and make a new blog. I don't see a point in doing that. So, I guess I'll continue to deceive newcomers with my blog name and content. They don't really match up, I know.

I'm too lazy to check right now, but I feel like I started posting songs in my posts in January or February of 2015. It's already been 3 years since 2015. What the heck, it's been that long already? That would mean I've been staying on this blog for nearly 4 years. That's crazy. Wow, I've changed a lot. Well, yikes.

I kinda really just want to write Chapter 76 and every other future chapter as how I imagine the story being like in this rewritten version I have in my head. I'm so tired of how I've been writing it, but I can't just change the wording of certain things without rewriting the entire story so far. Ugh, I don't know what to do anymore. 

I don't even think of cute puppies and dogs when I type "~ Cutepups" at the end of my posts. Is that weird? Probably. It's just what I call myself on here. 

It's always been my blog name. Cutepups. That's mine. 

I don't even think of my AJ username when I type Cutepups anymore. For a long time, I used to. Not at all anymore. I honestly forgot where I got the name from. It took me a while to remember again. Wow yikes, ha ha.

I actually want to go play AJ again. I want to see all the updates and changes. There are probably so many of them that I can't count them all. I think the last time I was on my own computer was this past summer. It's been so long. I've only been on mobile since then. Geez.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. Maybe you can tell me? I have no idea.

*shrugs* I'm so tired. Goodbye, January.

~ Cutepups

wow look at that dog

That last post.. heh eh.. wtf.

I didn't have time to post yesterday, and I don't have much time now either. So, uh, ok yeah.

But I do have a fairly recent (from this month) photo of my dog, Sunshine. I have it on my iPad, so I can post it here via the Blogger app that I only have on the iPad and not my phone.

I used it for a school assignment. She helped me get a 100. 

Wow, look at that dog. Good dog. :)

Me, with my assignment: My dog is alive. The trees and leaves are dead. Look at how alive she looks with her ears perked up like that. She was about to bark at something that wasn't even there. There was nothing there, foolish dog. 

And now you know what her leash looks like. It's red. Yeah.

She's 12. She's turning 13 soon. Wtf.

About my pets, it's my younger cat's birthday this week. We celebrate it on February 2nd. Because you know what? Our little punk tuxedo cat is like a groundhog. ... Wait, that makes no sense. Oh well, just roll with it.

--------------------------

Two weeks ago, I started listening to songs I put in my posts in early-ish 2017. I haven't listened to them in months, but I started listening to them again.

Yeah, I still like these songs. Haha yeah, they still remind me of my story (spoilers)- especially with Duke.

The songs, "Metamorphosis" and "Can you see the red", still remind me of violent scenes with Duke, Risak, and Taurel.

Geez.. my boys are violent. Uh.. yikes.

It's kinda funny how Taurel is so obsessed that Duke is the exact same as Fierdan. It's just.. so inaccurate. Pfft.

Taurel keeps on viewing Duke as either a 20-something year old or a timeless being with no definite age. Yeah.. wtf. And like, Duke's 17. And like, Taurel is like "no he ain't." Haha.. he's got issues.

Uh.. I've started viewing Duke as a timeless being with no definite age. I just.. don't know, man.

He's still and forever will be one of my OC children. Ahh, my child.

Uh.. I love Twinkle with her attitude in Chapter 76. 

You guys: When are you gonna actually write it?

Me: Oh, I have no idea. 

You guys: :/

Me: i'm sorry..

It's also funny how Duke is actually a lot more cruel and merciless than Fierdan. Taurel.. you fool.. you dumb man.. please stop.

Taurel: *is just there, probably saying something effed up* 

. . . .

Fierdan: *simply kills him, probably yelling swears while doing so*

Duke: Haha no, fvck you! Being killed isn't the worst thing someone can do. *oh geez, that's harsh*

Yeah since, well, it's Soulless. Duke slowly evolving to becoming dominantly controlled by Soulless. Soulless actually being a significant part of his identity and life. Duke eventually only being alive because of Soulless, who has infected his heart. Yeah.. dang, son.

And then there's the part when Taurel and Fierdan meet in person. Haha.. funny times. Good Savior companions. These boys.. gotta laugh. Haha. Wtf.

---------------

I had a dream that I was playing Kahoot outside with this smug boy and man with no redeemable qualities. At the end of the game, we were in the boy's garage and there were these two covered cages. When he uncovered the cages, there were so many gross-looking creatures inside. He called the smaller ones "marmaote rats" and the larger ones "marmaote pigs". They were so ugly. They're not valid. 

What a freak. Don't trust strange boys who suddenly come up to you in a park, asking you to join their Kahoot game they're hosting. Just.. like.. don't. Don't do that.

My dog, Sunshine, was the highlight of this post. It all went downhill from there. 

I'm scared for school tomorrow. Again. :(

Ok bye.

~ Cutepups (Sunshine is my cute pup <3)

nearly midnight on monday

And yet here I am beginning a new blog post. Sorry, I'm a mess and have to jot down my thoughts.

Ugh, I'm scared for one of my classes tomorrow. Gosh, that class is so stressful. It's not even my math class. Geez, why did I choose to take it? I regret my decision.

Art? Art is hard. The class is art. 

Haha, I'm a failure. Probably. Sorry. Heh.

I'm gonna use a "-x-x-" to divide my different thoughts. Okay.

-x-x- 

I can't help but thinking I'm being a burden on my parents (and grandma).

The university I most want to go to is actually pretty darn expensive. I didn't even know it was that expensive until well after I sent out my application. And now, I don't know what to do. 

College costs so much money. I hate this. 

I hate feeling worthless and so guilty. I want to wash all this guilt off my soul, but I can't.

As for why I also put my grandma, well, we're going on a trip to Europe in late June soon after my high school graduation.

It's a plane flight to that European country (obviously) and then we're taking a cruise all around the country. 

The trip sounds awesome, I really do think that.

But man, it's so much money. Well, obviously it is. 

It's already paid for and everything. I do want to go, but I don't know if I'm worth it to go. I'm not as good as them (my siblings). Do I really deserve having so much money spent on me? Something for me? 

I'm so much worse than them. I hate feeling guilty basically 24/7. I hate this inferiority complex I have. I hate this, I hate that, I hate so much about myself. 

In the past, I've been told many times that I waste the money people (especially my parents) spend on me (stuff for me). Because I don't use that stuff all the time. I rarely do or not at all, honestly. 

College tuition and the European trip.. both cost thousands of dollars on their own. 

I just.. don't want to be a burden. To make it seem as if I'm benefiting off of the money they're losing that they're spending on stuff for me. 

But I can't help but to think- What if all of this is a waste? A waste of money? Why would you all waste so much money on a waste of life who is constantly thinking of wasting their life away in the next five years? 

I just.. don't want to make them get mad at me. To think I'm ungrateful. That I enjoy their suffering. I don't, I don't, I really don't. 

-x-x-

No matter where I go to college, I know I have to dorm.

(If you don't know what I mean by dorm, it means having a roommate basically. Sharing a room with someone. Oh and dorm rooms are pretty small, so there isn't a lot of space. I've been in plenty of dorms because of my siblings, and I see the dorms on college campus/residential tours. They're all the same, for the most part. Same things, same layout.)

You probably don't know how terrified I am of going to college and having to dorm. Dorming would be the best option; I can't avoid it forever. I have to socialize and get to know people, haha. 

I really don't know how I would be able to continue blogging at college. I would only be able to in my dorm room. At home, I get so uncomfortable whenever there's the possibility of anyone seeing me typing a post. They don't even have to be looking at my screen, they could just be in the same room as me (so my bedroom). And since I'll be sharing a room with someone at college, then there would always be someone else living in the same place as I am. Sure, I guess I could post when that person isn't in the room, but I don't know how often and long that'll be.

I'm so scared of having a roommate. I really don't know how to socialize with other people my age irl. I'm anxious and awkward af. I speak way too softly, and I think my voice is way too high pitched. I'm an extreme introvert. 

Geez.. I feel like no matter who I have as a roommate, that person will hate me. Or, well, get tired of me at some point early on in the semester.

Or that my roommate will be overly friendly and extroverted (which are good things, yes), but will soon realize I can't be like that, and just ditch me and make fun of me around their group of friends. 

Yeah.. idk. 

I'm not sure how it's like in other parts of the US, but where I am, there's this part of the college application (uh.. Common App). It has a section about gender identity and how you identify yourself.

For a long while, I've questioning on and off if I'm cis or not. And I still don't know. 

But then one day, I was like this basically. "Screw it, I'll just secretly identify myself as nonbinary. I already have (minor?) dysphoria over parts of my body, so.. why not? Since I have dysphoria and such a disconnection from other girls my age, then maybe I'm not exactly cis? I still relate a lot to girls and women though, it's just not as much as others (idk how to word things?).

Since I'm not out irl for anything lgbt related, I didn't click anything besides "female" for the gender and gender identity section.

I mean.. I still use the ladies' room. I doubt I'll ever use a gender neutral restroom. Unless I start binding (with an actual binder) and start having T (which I doubt I'll actually do even though I have briefly thought about it).

Who am I kidding? I'm way too sensitive and speak too softly/quietly for anyone irl to even view me as anything other than cis female.

So anyway, that would mean that my roommate would be another girl. Duh.

But since I have such a distinct disconnection from other girls (by girls, I mean girls around my age (high school) and up? not thinking of little kids as much? idk if what I'm saying makes any sense), I feel as if something about dorming won't work out.

Every (well, just about every) girl in my grade at school is excited about prom and getting their prom dresses. "How much money was it? Where did you buy it? Etc, etc." I know I'll regret not going to prom, but I'm really not interested in thinking about it. I still like dresses a lot, but I'm not as excited about buying an expensive prom dress. 

I guess that makes me be the weird kid? I don't know.

And even my close friend irl is really into makeup. I've never been interested in makeup. I rarely wear any, and when I do, it's for a formal fancy event. And I'm absolute trash at putting it on myself. I'm only decent at painting my nails, but that's not even makeup.. lol.

So if they're all really into these things, then would a new girl roommate judge me (insult me?) for not being like just another typical girl who puts on makeup and shaves every day? I really don't know, so I'm very scared.

And even if I did put nonbinary or whatever on the application, I still think I would feel out of place dorming with someone like that. 

It's a loss every way. Ugh, it's the curse of being me. Heck.

-x-x-

Me? Just a girl who technically has dysphoria? But wait.. what girl willingly has dysphoria about those things? That would make someone nonbinary.. huh, guess that's me. Apparently, some nonbinary people don't even have dysphoria and they still identify that way. Shut up you dumb brain, that's not stupid. Don't judge people you don't even know so harshly. Don't be such a jerk, brain. God.. damn it. I don't know anything, I'm just a fool.

My hair always gets severely tangled. That's how it is right now, haha. This happens every time. I don't even have the energy to bother combing and brushing my hair every day. 

What if I just cut it all off and leave it short? Since I can never bother to take care of my hair properly? 

Oh, that's right. It's not as if I can cut my hair very short without feeling even more uncomfortable about my body. Stupid dry scalp.. gross.. thanks, I hate it. 

Uhh umm..? she/they? they/she? they/them? she/they/he? they/she/he? they/he? she/he/they? ???????????????? The first.. four? ?????? 

I'm probably never gonna straight up tell anyone (especially people I barely know) not to call me "girl" or "boy" but I kinda feel fake when people call me that? 

I also get a little annoyed when my family says "her" so many times when talking about me to other people. I'm hearing this, and I'm like, why though.

I just don't know a thing, my guy.

-x-x-

I was thinking of adding some thoughts about my characters, but that wouldn't really fit this specific post theme. 

Yeah, I'm done for now. 

It's well after midnight now, haha.

Time to go to sleep. 

Good night.

~ Cutepups <3  

(Sleep? What sleep? Now you also have to worry about what you just typed, silly Cutepups.)

. . . . . . :}

Fire Underneath My Skin (art version- finished)

Hi, that's right. I'm making another post on the same day.

In late November, I just posted a messy sketch of it. ( http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/11/awful-sketchy-art.html )

I just finished coloring it today. I fixed it up to make it look less messy, a few weeks ago.

It's supposed to be based off my poem, Fire Underneath My Skin. It's a personal poem of mine that also features Duke. That's why I drew myself and him.

Here's the post to my poem: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/10/fire-underneath-my-skin.html

Fun fact: Ever since I wrote that poem, I've been trying to rap the first (and last.. which is the same as the first) verse (I forgot the actual word, but it's the first paragraph I mean that). I read it and speak it in a specific tone. 

I still love the lines, "Please don't read this in a voice of glamorization .... It isn't a symbol of glamorization. Fire is a sign of my suffocation."

"Fire is a sign of my suffocation." Dang, what a line that is. 

(wow, that's deep. words.. oh wow.)

Yeah, haha. Here's the art.

If I have any viewer who wonders what I look like, you can just refer to this drawing of me. Drawn by yours truly (me).

I originally drew Duke looking partially invisible, but then I changed my mind and fixed the lines for him.

Me: huh? what? *looks like a fool, wearing what I would wear in gym class for some reason (why tho?)*

Duke: *not facing forward, looks so fancy and majestic, has proper use of the fire, not in an awkward pose like I am, is wearing the classic all-black outfit from the story (black tee, pants, iconic black flames jacket)*

My arm? Yeah, that's fire being under my skin. My fiery vein. 

In the top section, I decided to color the flame to look like Duke's cursed heart flame. Yeah, that thing. 

Soulless loves that thing. Oh hmm.. yeah.

" I also have fire in my veins and it /hurts/ burns. - fire burns - "

In the background, there are traces of smoke and extra orange fire. Yep.

Duke.. fiery demon devil? Oh hmm? Him? Ahh, my boy!

I'm a little disappointed in how I drew the hair, but that's how I feel about it in all my drawings. I don't like how I draw hair. It's hard to draw.

Well, I think I explained everything. 

~ Cutepups 

Coca Cola Anxiety

I was just on dA and wrote a bad poem based on my dream I talked about in my last post. 

(It's so bad, but I felt like making a poem version of my illogical dream. XD)

-------------------

I finally gathered the courage 
To go and find you 

I told them I have to 
Get help for my anxiety 
Because it's still killing me 
They told me to find your place

I had to drive through the woods
To reach your place 

I went inside 
I expected to find you 
I thought you would be there 

But you weren't 
You weren't anywhere 

You only brought a bottle of Coca Cola
A full two-liter bottle 

And so I drank it
Straight from the bottle

As if I have to drink it all away
All my anxiety 
My fears
My stresses
All my problems 
Drink it away 

I expected therapy
But all you left me was
A bottle of Coca Cola 

I finally wanted your help 
You weren't even there
Your cure for anxiety was Coca Cola 
I drink it all
But I still have anxiety 

Thanks for nothing 

-------------------------------

Pfft, what the heck is this?

Wow ok bye.

uhh big sip babes

What a title. 10/10. Mm slurp.

(stfu cutepups, just shut up.) 

Anyway, it's the weekend. No school tomorrow. Heck yeah. 

*clap, clap*

I don't have anything to really post about, so I'll just type about my dream from today. 

(shut up, cutepups!!)

Ok so, my dream. The only details I remember from it are...:

I was driving with my irl friend on this long, winding dirt road. We arrived at this office building in the middle of the woods.

Apparently, I was going to a therapy session there. But there was no one there. 

But there was a coffee table. The only thing on it was this two-liter bottle of Coca Cola.

My friend also wasn't there. It's like she just disappeared. Smh.

And the last thing I remembered from my dream was that I started drinking that random bottle of Coca Cola. 

That red bottle.. it sure was specifically detailed in my dream.

I haven't even drank that in so long. What the heck does this mean? 

(it means you want coke, cutepups.)

Well, that was my dream. 

(take a sip, babes.)

(omg, please shut up, cutepups.)

Did I get help to stop me from being a very anxious fool? Lol no. 

Darn. What am I supposed to do about my overwhelming anxiety? Just chug down a two-liter bottle of Coca Cola? ???????

(help this fool by telling cutepups to shut up.)

(stfu, cutepups.)

Mood: uhhhhgggrrghghhughhgmmmhhhhhhehhh :{

Bye for now! 

~ Cutepups (lol even my dreams are telling me my anxiety is too much tm)

(what the heck, that's such a bad way to deal with my problems. drinking way too much soda? what the heck? not like i have anything better long-term. i feel bad, sorry, i'm terrified of the future.)

<3 ~ <3 

morbid tragedy? me?

Ok hi, today was so tiring. I think I did well on my two tests today though, so at least there's that. 

For this post, I have yet another one of those Cutepups-rambling-and-analyzing-intense-future-story-spoilers.

Yeah. My story. The one with my characters. Yeah, that one. Mhmm.

Well, I'll just get into it. *presses hands together, breathes in slowly, breathes out*

Story 1 (I hate calling it "Twinkle's Story" I'm sorry) has layers upon layers of tragedy. And there's a lot of morbid stuff, too. Well, there's frequent interest in death among quite a few of my characters. And.. uh.. yeah, oh mm, that dark stuff.

The more I think about the ending, the more I think of how much tragedy is in this cursed story hell. 

Honestly, I also hate how I started the story with the intention to make it lighthearted and fine for kids to read. Because when I look at the story as a whole, I'm like.. hell no. This story? For kids? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, no. It started with the main character's sister (Fauna) dying. Well, basically. It was a flashback, but still. The story started on that note.

And then there's other content. Murder, suicide, violated, harassment, abuses, uhh some more stuff (idk, I'm so tired right now).. like geez, this story.. big yikes.

Oh and I didn't even start on the whole Z and Dawn thing. Oh heck, what's that? Oh, bad.

Z is shit. He's the worst. I fucking hate him so much. (idk if anyone would rather me keep the awful censored versions of swear words)

But his character? Just like all of my main characters, his is also so interesting. And quite mysterious too, I'll add. 

Because like.. his name is Z. What's his real name? No one but he knew. Dang, that's cryptic. Lying about his name to his kids? Z, what the hell? 

Pfft. Yeah. Ok. There, I said it.

(I have a headache. Ow.)

 

But for antagonist characters, I am in love with Taurel's character. Now, that guy is a work of art. 

Taurel.. I kinda actually love him. Like, a lot.

I also love the tension/reflection/idk what it's called or how to describe it between Taurel and (Duke) Fierdan. To both Duke and Fierdan.

It's so deep. Like, damn. It's something, alright. 

(Should I explain it? Hmm? Nah? Oh, I'll just type about it cryptically.)

Taurel and Duke/Fierdan: Both are ambitious dudes full of that ambition juice. Mm.. take a sip, babes. Both want to change the world and become official leaders of their vision of the new world. For all of them, they all have turned corrupt/cruel/merciless/selfish-and-self-absorbed. Became so obsessed with their plans (what plans? oh? uh.. shh) that they don't care about others at all and eventually their own health and safety. Uh, I'm not sure if I should say insanity? But yeah, that. Yeah? 

Then there's the whole eyes thing with Duke and Taurel. Very painfully and slowly, Taurel ruins Duke's left eye. When Duke attacks Taurel's eyes much later, he quickly damages Taurel's right eye. Opposite eyes.. that's deep lol. Man.. opposites. Wow, I love that. But will I explain it to make you readers understand what I mean? Oh lol no.

(I sure am tired. Ah heck.)

And then there's Taurel and Fierdan and the Savior complex. These boys (oh wait.. they're adults lol) and their tension. Haha, how fun. What's a Savior? Who's right? How about they're both wrong? The real Savior is obviously Twinkle my blue god(ess). Duh ;). Lmao.

But seriously, Taurel and Fierdan on that Savior topic sure is something. Ah.. *rubs hands together evilly because I'm cruel to my characters*

Twinkle kinda scares me in Chapter 76. Geez, blue child.. calm down. Don't do that. Don't also turn into a violent, merciless person (yes, I'm looking at you, Duke boy).

What else do I want to cram into this terrible text post? Oh hmm..?

Maybe I love Duke's character so much because he's clearly not all evil or all good. Is he the good guy or the bad guy? Neither? Both? It's a mystery. All I can say is- Damn it, Duke.

What Fierdan said in the most recent skit. Oh.. hmmmmmmmmmm.

Names and meanings (well for- Duke, Fierdan/Daniel, Dawn, Twinkle/Stella..)... oh hmmmmmmm.

I thought about the near-end of the story scene where Finny dies in the explosion (which one? lol why would I give any context?), and then later, Duke walks through the ashes and rubble (parallel to when Fierdan and Dawn first came to the world? maybe?) and takes Finny's body away from that terrible place. 

And how like Finny is taller than Duke. Duke carrying him away. Not outwardly showing emotions like how he was when Ardere died. Finny being outside in the first place because he wanted to say some things to Duke and wanted to go find him. Duke (and other characters) knowing that the world was going to break and die. Because with the execution of Soulless leads to the end of the world (that -Jamaa-one I mean). Duke looking like he feels nothing (it still breaks him apart but he doesn't show anything but sad numbness(?) physically) upon discovering his best friend's dead body. How.. well, just how Duke second-handedly causes the (unpleasant) deaths of his two (boy) friends. Friends of whom are boys. Yeah lol. 

God fucking damn. My heart. It hurts.

The ending of story 1- everyone dies. The end. 

(jk it's not exactly like that. like, you know, twinkle doesn't actually die. neither does dawn, probably. the last story scene is with twinkle, and in the background is dawn, fierdan (with that duke part attached lol), and jinx and jax (they're very important actually). them.. yeah. ok..)

Me? Constantly crying over how I keep on screwing Duke's life over and over? Lmao true.

My god..

I don't know. 

Ouch.

Bye! :D

~ Cutepups (...)

umm debil man hecked

Me: *still can't think of a post title*
Me: *decides to put random words as the title*
Me: ... umm, that show hecked me up.

(What the hell is this, Cutepups?)

Anyway, I wasn't posting because I was too tired. I'm so tired right now. I have two tests tomorrow (Thursday) and this week is going by so slowly. Ahhhh heck.

(I was also spending more time on tumblr than here, so.. yeah that.)

About the skit, I was (trying to, barely, not really) studying when typing it. I'm usually in the middle of doing some school-related thing before I suddenly decide to type up a stupid skit. Haha, what the heck is up? School.. yikes. That's it.

I've been thinking about my characters' birthdays for a while now. In an older skit, I said Finny's birthday was in January, which made me think of lateish January, which then made me think of his birthday being January 22nd.

And so, that's what I put in this new skit. Woo.

I also intentionally put very vague and badly written story references in my skits. Referring to the story. Future scenes. Yikes, they heck me up.

Uh.. hmm.. whom.......???

I've been thinking about Chapter 76 again. And honestly, I think Twinkle's POV is the most interesting one.

Duke and Dawn.. eh, it gets boring. Same old, same old with them. I'm bored of Duke (kinda, not really, ehh).

And Dawn's with Duke. Same place. So.. same situation thing. Just from different perspectives. Ok yeah.

Twinkle's is new and different though. That POV isn't going to be the same boring crap. It's.. different. I like her POV. Ok yeah bye.

Oh and I said Duke would wear an eyepatch because I've been thinking. It would be too unrealistic if all parts of his eye stay intact and it doesn't suddenly bleed after all the eye trauma. Like.. no?? So yeah, let my fire boy have a bad version of an eyepatch. Well, not for that long. Very brief time. But still. Yikes.

I'm wording everything in this post so badly, I know, but I don't give a heck about changing it.

My fingers hurt. Dang. Darn.

Duke causes me pain every day. Damn.

Ugh, another B day.

At least some of my teachers are actually nice. Cool.

Ah, that's good.

But that's from A days though. B days? Not as much.

(I don't understand a single sentence you just typed, Cutepups.)

It's okay, hypothetical blog viewer. Neither will I in a few hours or days.

:-) <3 <3

~ Cutepups

new foolish skit

It's been a while. Here's a new foolish skit with my weird skit characters. Enjoy my shenanigans. :) 

[Date: January 22nd. Time: 8:00 pm. Location: general downstairs area of the house tm, idk lol.]

Duke: *pats Finny on the back (bro..)* Hey Finny, how's your day going?

Finny: It's okay, I guess. *turns to look at Duke kinda suspiciously*

Duke: *turns to look at the rest of the skit squad gang (idk sure lol)* Do you know what today is?

Twinkle: It's the 22nd of January, and it is a Monday. 

Duke: Uh.. yeah, that's also true.

Twinkle: I never understood you.. you know that, right?

Duke: *sighs* Yeah, I know.

Finny: *sighs* Today's my birthday.

Twinkle: *gasps softly* Oh, it is? Why didn't you tell us sooner?

Duke: That's what I've been trying to tell you--

Dawn: Happy birthday! So you're 18 now?

Finny: Yeah, I guess I am.

Dawn: That's cool.

Finny: Okay. Thanks, Dawn.

Twinkle: Are you sure Cutepups made your birthday official?

Finny: I don't know.. I guess?

Duke: Why wouldn't it be? 

Dawn: Well, it's because Cutepups made your birthday have an official date years before the rest of us. Fierdan's too. Well, you share the same date.

Duke: Hey, Twinkle also has an official birth date now.

Dawn: Oh really?

Duke: Yeah, I think so. Twinkle's is April 23rd, last time I checked.

Twinkle: Gosh, finally! I've been wondering if I have a birthday for the past 17 years.

Duke: But Cutepups doesn't really have a planned date for anyone else's. 

Dawn: Oh darn, that's a shame. I don't have an official birthday yet.

[Everyone else says their happy birthdays to Finny. Oh but where is Brock? ... Oh, there he is!]

Brock: *loudly enters the room, holding a small box (shoebox?)*

Ardere: Oh, there's Brock. Duke was starting to get confused because you weren't here.

Duke: I didn't say that--

Fierdan: You just said, "Hey, where's Brock? I wonder where he is."

Duke: Pfft! *leans back in chair, crosses arms, sighs*

Fauna: What's in the box?

Brock: *tries to talk while he's catching his breath from having just ran into the room* These pictures are weird as heck.

Sparkle: Oh, they must be from the story universe.

Brock: I bet they are! Where the hell did you all come from? What kind of world was that? My god...

Ryen: *speaks quietly* It was a world that was artificially created by the father of Fierdan and I.

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* "Fierdan and I?" Why are you wording it like that?

Ryen: *sighs* It's called I'm using proper English grammar.

Fierdan: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Brock: It sounds terrible. That world, I mean.

Fierdan: Because it was! It was a never-ending hell! I actually went to hell, but I had to call that place something else because everything else was already hell. 

Dawn: *sighs* Here he goes.

Fierdan: *in a rant voice* The only reason why I survived and didn't die in that post-apocalyptic hellscape was because Z- the most sh¡ttiest man, I swear to god- made me be his pawn. I hated that bastard, but I ended up doing what he wanted. Everything about that world is so f*cked up. He wanted- yes, wanted- me to kill all those people, so I could bring them to heaven. There's severe overpopulation amongst the human race? Oh, why not bring them into the living hell world, and then make me purge the numbers by having me kill them? What the f*ck kind of plan was that, holy sh¡t!

Fauna: What about Soulless?

Fierdan: Soulless made me actually believe and become capable of causing people harm, and yes, killing people. Whatever the hell "killing" actually is. Purging the world's population was Z's plan, and he used me to be the one doing the purging. Even if Ryen hadn't interfered and made Soulless the way they are, they would have still coaxed me into reducing the population. But, of course, that failed. I barely made a dent in the population. I bet Z actually killed a lot more people. Maybe not only him, but his team of f*cking demonic bastards. They killed mother and Dawn's parents. If anyone feels sorry for Z, then I'll beat some common sense and decency into your dumb skull.

Duke: *slowly raises hand* Uh, excuse me? But am I one of those "f*cking demonic bastards?"

Fierdan: Not anymore, but yes, you definitely were at the end of the story one universe. 

Duke: Gotcha.

[. . . . . .] 

Ardere: So, the pics..?

Brock: Oh, right! *takes off the box lid and throws it to the side*

Sparkle: Show us one.

Brock: *nods and takes out a photo*

Twinkle: Who's in it?

Brock: Uh.. Duke? I think?

Twinkle: Oh.

Duke: *goes up to look at the photo* Where the hell did this even come from? That's me, yeah, but no one was even taking photos. What kind of conspiracy is this?

Brock: Why are you wearing a hood up?

Duke: That.. that's the weirdest part about that picture of me?

Brock: Uh.. no?

Duke: *points to picture* I'm wearing a freaking eyepatch.

Brock: What, were you trying to look like a pirate?

Fierdan: *snickers* Pirate...

Duke: *sighs tiredly* No. Without the raised hood and eyepatch, you would be too disturbed by my appearance. 

Brock: Why?

Duke: My left eye is covered like that because my eye would irregularly drip a significant amount of blood and tears. It's also black. And I couldn't exactly see out of it.

Brock: Sounds painful.

Duke: It was.

Brock: I bet.

Duke: Yeah.

[That picture gets passed around; Brock takes out another picture but it's of Dawn and Fierdan.]

Fierdan: Where the hell did you get this?

Brock: Uh.. Cutepups?

Fierdan: Dang. 

Dawn: Don't talk about it.

Brock: Why?

Fierdan: Just don't.

Brock: Fine, I won't. *puts photo away before anyone else but Dawn and Fierdan can see it*

[Photo: Dark room. Everything except Dawn's face, neck, and hands is covered mostly with a ragged dark green fabric. Her hair is disheveled and a look of fear is in her green eyes. She's sitting in a chair; Fierdan is standing behind her. Compared to Dawn, he looks hauntingly calm. With one hand, he rests it on Dawn's covered shoulder. With the other hand, he uses a comb to try to untangle some of Dawn's hair. Dawn looks anxious, and Fierdan is trying to tell her to not be afraid and that it'll be alright.]

Finny: *clears throat* So I guess it's my birthday.

Brock: Oh, sorry about that! *makes sure all the pictures are in the box, closes it, and tosses it across the room from the floor* Happy birthday, Finny!

//////////////////

yeah idk lmao. 

((school sucks))

Yeah, well, bye!

~ Cutepups (Finny deserves better, he really does, I know)

Something I found yesterday

Haha yeah, I think about my characters way too much for my own good. :)

So while I was scrolling through tumblr reblogging way too much stuff at once, I found these two posts.

Logic me: Stop this, Cutepups. They are not about them..

Me: Shh! Yes they are! They fit his character so well! Ahh!

Logic me: Oh god, why.

(For a short while now, I've been trying to find tumblr posts on monochrome manga/anime blogs that vaguely remind me of my characters in the skits or story. It's one of my cryptic ways of having fun.)

These two posts aren't of any people. They're writing picture posts. But, like, they remind (stupid, foolish) me of him way too much. And, like, it made me scream.

(I'm thinking about Duke. Obviously.)

(Damn it, Duke.- me who says that way too much and should stop..) 

http://spiritfallen.tumblr.com/post/169930697635

http://spiritfallen.tumblr.com/post/169928821695/xshayarsha-anne-carson-from-grief-lessons-four 

... on a completely unrelated note, I keep on laughing whenever I think of my mutuals reading my tag. "Wh-What the hell does that mean, @spiritfallen? Explain."

In what feels like every other fictional work, the word, Duke, is either...:

- a dog name (the name of a character's pet). (But is my Duke a pet? ... The answer is no. Stop this, Cutepups.)

- a title for royalty (dukes and duchesses.. lol that).

- for human characters, the type of boy that is absolutely nothing like my Duke character (uhhh idk).

Yeah uhh ok then.

I don't know anyone named Duke who acts like my Duke. ... what an organic feel. I'm so creative, haha ahh.

Plot twist: The name, Duke, is technically supposed to be an abbreviation. So the D, U, K, and E stand for other words. And so, that's why Fierdan named him Duke, and that's why he just goes by Duke. Duke is the DUKE version of Fierdan, hence the name Duke Fierdan. But do I know what the letters stand for? I still don't know. That one character said the K and E stand for "kill everybody/one" but I don't know if that's actually the truth. The letters are supposed to be words in another language but I don't know foreign languages that well enough, smh. The DUKE cryptic dark complex magic spell? Oh hmm? ... uhh, Latin? What's a language? No idea. I have daydreams of Fierdan speaking (somewhat?) fluently in various languages. Because of course he has to be that talented and smart, smh. Anyway, his voice.. I love it so much. Fire hot man with hot voice? Oh worm? True. XD 

Viewers: What the hell did that paragraph say? What was it even about?

Me: Oh yeah, those tumblr posts. That's right!

Viewers: Huh? :/

So for that first post I linked to, it reminds me of Duke's character in general. 

Wait.. no. Both of them remind me of Duke's character as a whole. In general. But one is to a more specific time in the story than compared to the story as a whole (?).

I try to find things that remind me of Duke way too much. :/

The post (which is something from "The Flowers of Evil" by Charles Beaudelaire in Funeral Parade of Roses (1969) .. yeah that, maybe I should check it out lol): "I am the wound and the blade, both the torturer and he who is flayed." 

I guess it also reminds me of Fierdan since the reason that quote reminds me of Duke in the first place is because it reminds me of the dark story concept of the puppet of melancholy. 

My dark story concept of Puppet of Melancholy: much sadness, much angst, much violence, much pain, puppets and puppeteers are both damned and switch places... uhh.. explicit? Damned. Violence. That's what. Ouch. 

More specifically, it reminds of Duke in what I nickname the torture arc. >:')

Ok so, Duke isn't an innocent victim. Like, come on, look at him. He's.. not good. Morally good? He isn't that. He's pretty bad, honestly. He might be the main character (where the heck is Twinkle? :/) and protagonist, but that doesn't mean he's a good moral character. So.. yeah lol.

I still love my Duke though, haha. 

Here's what happened: Taurel told Risak to torture Duke. Risak was like, "lol no, screw that", and decided to simply execute Duke instead. Then Duke was like, "fvck you, fvck that sh¡t", and he turned into being more brutal violent and inhumane (more than Fierdan). So then Duke (technically? in a way, I guess?) tortures Risak. And eventually, Risak dies. And.. oh damn. So then later, Taurel comes in and is like, "what the fvck is wrong with you, Duke? Death is too easy for you, so I gotta hurt you even more than my original plans because you made me angry", and then the actual torture arc officially begins. 

So yeah.. Duke, what a guy. The killed. The killer. The torturer. The tortured. 

Flay: to strip off the skin or outer covering of

Well, yeah. Happens to Duke. 

Gross. Stop thinking graphic violent things, Cutepups. 

Oh and then later, Duke (who became physically and psychologically fvcked up by Taurel) somehow attacks and tortures Taurel. It's.. uh.. violent lol.

Duke- got wounded. Becomes a blade (just like Fierdan, haha). Uses Taurel's sharp, blade-like objects to attack Taurel. 

Yeah haha. Ok then.

The other post: "Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief."- Anne Carson from Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides.

Well, that one reminds me of my thing I call- Duke and the Five Stages of Grief (referring to Ardere).

Grief and rage. And Duke has a lot of rage. Because of it. Ardere's death. 

Ardere was shot and killed by Taurel. 

Yeah, haha, what a fun and pleasant story! Haha! 

So Duke got angry with Risak because he tried to execute him and worked for Taurel who killed Ardere. 

And then Duke got very angry with Taurel and decided to attack and go all brutal violent demon man on Taurel because he killed Ardere. (what a dick move :/). 

Duke and Ardere.. what a brotp. Hhhnfgh.  

Duke and that grief and rage. Man.. ;;.

And yeah, the full extent of Duke's rage metaphorically and literally kills other characters. And the death of characters is indeed a tragedy. Death is tragic. 

   

Duke gets so violent with Taurel because he never really got over Ardere's death and that Taurel killed him.

Rage, a side-effect of grief. 

Sudden grief from an unexpected and undeserved death. 

Oh and Duke basically promised Ardere that he wouldn't let Ardere die because of the mess he (Duke) is in. But then, Ardere.. he just, he dies. 

Ouch. Story pain. Oh heck.

I can't check to see if I can word anything in this post any better. I'm in a rush. Bye.

~ Cutepups 

Fierdan.. hmm mmm

I seriously don't know what to title these kinds of posts anymore, lmao.

I hung out with my friend this morning. Wow, I did stuff today. *clap, clap*

So later in the day, I decided to draw something that's been stuck in my head for around a week now.

(I'm sorry, I drew him again. I'm pretty into the concept of the past vs. the present, so I like drawing pictures of (Pre)Fierdan and Duke in the divided setup. ^-^')

(And by that, I mean I drew another divided style drawing with Pre-Fierdan on one side and present day Fierdan on the other side. I'm sorry, I just love doing this with my fire man. Hhfgh.)

It's just a sketch right now, but I don't think it looks that bad. Well, the right side. 

I drew the older Fierdan, and I don't think he looks too ugly and drawn too badly. 

Except the hands. I tried to draw the hands better, but I couldn't draw them any better as I would've liked. Oh darn.

I have another divided style drawing of Duke, but I'm gonna post it on another post. Well, when I'm finished coloring it. 

(I made a Fierdan vent art post, and I've been working on a Duke vent art post. I started the Duke one at the end of November (what a bad time), and I fixed up my shaky lines to make that turn into an actual drawing of Duke. I always intended for it to be Duke- a Duke vent, so yeah haha. Ouch heck.)

Oh.. umm.. I'll type more about Duke later. Here's the Fierdan sketch from today. 

(The other divided picture like this is something I drew this past June or July called "Memories of Our Broken Selves". I love the contrast of pre-Fierdan (what a sweetheart, omg I love him) and current/modern Fierdan (this hecking guy, oh damn).

It's easier for me to explain the right side first, so I'll do that. Ok so, it's supposed to be in one of those scenes in the first half of the 70s arc when Fierdan is talking to Fauna in Cincernum. It's supposed to be from Chapter 75, lol. When it's revealed that Fierdan's actual hair length is pretty long.. lol. When he stares at his hands ("paws".. eww) and tries to say deep/sad/philosophical(?) stuff.. lol. It looked too awkward when I tried to draw his arm and hand higher, so I'm probably gonna leave his hand at that level, which is not at eye level.

Brock: If you're wondering, "Hey, he looks like a cartoon/anime character," it's because he is one.

Fierdan: What? No, I'm not.

Brock: Are you sure about that?

Fierdan: Yeah?

Brock: Then why is your whole character- plus Duke's- inspired from anime and cartoons? 

Fierdan: *sighs*

.... lol idk sorry. 

I also included his black cloak (blanket?) that he usually has covering his back and shoulders (yeah, I guess?). I made it look like.. that. 

Those legs. Oh heck. What the heck, man. I'm.. I'm just.. oh ahh.

Uh.. drawings hands is hard. The hands aren't supposed to be flat; they're curved (duh). Arched hands? I never know the proper words to say.

Alright ok.. now for the kid on the left. :)

As for ages, the one on the left is six years old while the one on the right is supposed to be like nineteen years old (though his age gets messed up, lol). 

How old is Fierdan, really? I really don't know at this point. Ages are complicated, and writing this character is a hell for me, damn it.

Ok so, the pre-Fierdan is in the indoor flower garden place. Flower lover, haha aww. Pre-Fierdan for the most part never thought of intentionally harming- nevertheless killing- any creature himself, and that included the insects that lived with the plants in the garden. So here I drew him with a butterfly in his hand. And of course that whole thing contrasts with Fierdan (because he, well he, did some violent stuff- which includes killing- his father? oh worm? yeah.). 

Fierdan @ Pre-Fierdan: Man, I fvcked up your life so much. Oh sh¡t, I'm so sorry. 

Basically.. yeah.. that's how it goes.

I might draw two backgrounds, but I don't know how well they'll turn out. Well, we shall see.

We shall see. 

Fierdan... ;-; <3

This freaking guy. 

~ Cutepups (who should obsess about their other characters more...)

so uhh.. thoughts

Hi, it's 2 am. Late night posting when I should be asleep.. dang, Cutepups back at it again.

Yeah, so hey.

Friday.. oh wow, what a day.

School was so tiring. Didn't like it. School is making me overwhelmed this time, and it's not due to college related stuff.

But then after school, I found out that two new albums got released now. Songs.. so good.. I love them. Listening to the new songs made my day, and I'm here feeling blessed.

(Fall Out Boy and EDEN ;v; ~)

And then I also opened another college acceptance letter package. So yeah, that's pretty good.

So to sum up this Friday- school sucks but everything else is pretty damn good.

Oh haha, I have plans with my friend this morning. Wow, ain't that cool. I'm going places. Incredible.

-----------------------

And of course, here's the Duke and Fierdan part of the post:

So anyway, I've been thinking about some more things I put in the story. They're so ridiculously stupid. I'm rereading what I wrote, and this ?!?!?? noise is ringing in my head.

Wh-what is this?????

I'm just gonna list the ones I've been thinking of in the past few days, but I have a lot more from older times on this blog.

Ok, haha, ahh...

1. Why is there so much going on about people not being allowed to see the purple and black flame covering the part of Duke's body where his heart is? How did everyone know it was Bad and Cursed TM? Just because it's the same colors- black and purple- as phantoms? Like.. Twinkle.. she thought it was a rad tattoo of a dumb flame or something like that. I just.. don't get past me, I'm sorry.
2. In 2014 (I think.. yikes, I don't remember), I wrote that mothers have tiaras. Why the heck did I put that in the story? Why do they have tiaras? Geez.. now that I've been distancing my story from AJ (lol Animal Jam, what a game), it would be stupid to keep the tiaras thing.
3. Not as long ago (end of 2016), I made Black Raven tell Twinkle that she doesn't know the history of Dawn and Fierdan. And then she tells Twinkle that Dawn was Fierdan's love interest..? And I'm like.. that's wrong lol. Firstly, how the heck does this Black Raven girl know about Dawn and Fierdan if they live so mysteriously cryptic lives? Black Raven doesn't know anything, pfft. And then I made Dawn and Fierdan just basically be like.. what the hell, none of what you said is true. Frick off, you hecks.
4. Uhhhhhfffghhh fvckin' heck.

Yeah.

It makes me laugh whenever I think of you viewers thinking of Ryen being how he is in the skits. But in the story, he's actually.. mm.. not so good as you might think.

He's.. uh.. pretty bad, actually. Whoops.

I honestly think of Ryen being as- or even more- bad and evil of a person as Fierdan was (is?).

I love thinking about my problematic brothers. Oh, what's that? Tension. Hmmst?

Uhh.. whenever I have my mental image of Fierdan in my head, I feel better. Damn, I love his look. What a look. Damn.

Actually, all of my good main characters are beautiful. Their looks are goals.

But I always  draw them ugly. Which, well, it sucks.

Viewers: Damn it, Cutepups. You have a crush on your own characters. :/
Me: Ah, you got me there.
Brock: Ah haha omg. XD
Me: Shut up. :(
Viewers: Oh, problem? o.O
Me: O-k. Anyways...

It won't happen for a long time, but gosh.. the hooded Duke look? Mm.. what a boy.

The cursed Duke look is such a look. Mm.

Having a hood up to cover his head, black eye, serious/can-f*ck-you-up-if-I-want face.. mm damn son.

Viewers: I don't get what you just said. :/
Me: It's ok, neither do I.

Season 3 of the story.. damn, the main characters have it coming. Life is rough for you, buddy. They sure are gonna age. For the better. I mean.. umm, ok I'll stop.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh heck.

Bye now. <3

~ Cutepups

barely awake but posting now

The title is true, haha.

Why don't you post earlier then, Cutepups?

How about no?

Yeah, no thanks.

So anyway.. I'm so pumped for Chapter 76. Even more now.

All the POVs in that chapter.. they're all interesting as heck.

Just.. like.. damn.

I used to be so proud when I looked at the chapters I wrote last year, but when I look at them now, I see the flaws in my writing. And it annoys me because I thought I was so good back then. Well, that proves that improving and learning never stop. It's a never-ending process, that's for sure.

Here's the order of POVs in Chapter 76 that I currently have planned:

1. Ryen
2. Fierdan
3. Ardere
4. Dawn
5. Twinkle
6. Duke

But maybe I'll switch the order of Dawn's and Twinkle's. I'm not sure. All I know is that those would be the first three, and the chapter is going to end in Duke's POV.

As for the length of the POVs, most of them are going to be fairly long. Ryen's and Ardere's will be on the shorter side, and Fierdan's and Twinkle's will be on the longer side. Dawn's and Duke's will also be pretty long, but not as long as the POVs of those other two.

There's just so much happening.

I had other story writing hiatuses, but I think the longest one was between Chapter 51 and 52.

I call Chapter 51 the end of "season 1" and Chapter 52 the beginning of "season 2".

And now I'm calling Chapter 76 the beginning of "season 3".

Season 3.. I feel like that's the season in TV shows when the plot progresses more and things get more serious and darker. Not for all shows of course, but I feel this way about a few shows I watch/ed.

Sh*t goes down in the second half of the 70s arc. Sh*t goes down in my story's "season 3". Sh*t gets real.

I love my characters. I really do.

Love seeing my character kiddos grow up in their character development. I'm so proud of how far they've come. :')

Too many moments in upcoming chapters are gonna pain me.

It hurts already. Gosh.

Ok bye. <3

~ Cutepups (who feels way too many emotions when thinking about Chapter 76 POVs- especially Fierdan's like omg this guy...)

pfft but why

Hi lol I'm back at it again with the late night posting.

Geez.. I'm a disappointment.

When I fall asleep later, I wake up earlier. I woke up so early. 4:30. Thanks, brain.

Asdfghjkl idfk where I'm going with this post.

I randomly thought of Fauna throughout the day. I'm annoyed at myself for never drawing and posting a picture of her yet.

I thought of her so much that now I have such a vivid image of her in my head. Wow, what a beautiful girl. Perfection.

Twinkle and Fauna.. wow, I realized that in recent chapters I made them become so savage. Like, you go, girl.

Savage sisters.. omg lmao.

I'm gonna hate myself later.. lol.

I also thought of Google Translate. And I thought about how the story would be like in different languages.

So then there I am doing something (idk what, just some boring thing) when suddenly I'm thinking of my cursed story characters speaking in another language than English when the words translate to another language.

And so, my hell brain decided to come up with one of those Fauna and Fierdan scenes in Cincernum.. but the writing is dubbed (wtf does this say) so they were speaking German (I think? I don't even know German lmao wtf but I finished this one show recently and what the actual fuc-- :>).

What the hell is wrong with me? :"D

It was so weird. What a weird thought. I'm weird.

Byee :^).

~ Cutepups (who sold their soul to their characters in a backstreet alley)

update-ish

Hi. I'm probably gonna finish typing this post after midnight (it's 11:50 right now), and it's a school night. But do I care about that? Not really.

I mean I could've typed something up a little earlier, but then I obviously didn't. And so, I'm typing this now when it's nearly midnight and when I'm lying in my bed in the dark. Yep, what a time.

Without further ado, the actual post content!

..... yeah. we get it. o kay.

-------------

First off, I've gotta come clean. For around a week now, I haven't been actively checking Blogger (notifications, this blog). I mean I still have been keeping this bad excuse of a blog as an open tab, but I haven't been looking and reading my own posts and notifications as much. Oh and by notifications, I really mean comments. I know I've gotten new comments, and I know I haven't replied yet. Honestly, I don't check for comments as frequently anymore, and so I don't read them as soon. And also, replying decently.. hmm.

For the entire month so far, I feel like I've been so distant on here. It might not seem that way to you, but it does to me. I notice my own inactivity. And no, I have no real excuses.

Skits.. I haven't made another one of those in a while. I can't come up with any ideas on how to continue a New Year's Day skit, so I'm just gonna ignore what I said back then and skip doing that.

However, this was the only skit thing I came up with recently...:

[In school hallway at the end of the school day]

Duke: *sighs, speaking out loud to himself because he's.. him* Waiting to hear back from colleges is stressful. *sighs*
Brock: *has suddenly appeared behind Duke, places his hand on Duke's shoulder* What if we end up going to the same college? ;)
Duke: *gets spooked and annoyed* Ah.. *steps away from Brock* That's not happening.
Brock: *calling after Duke* Oh, just you wait and see!
Duke: Hell no!

.... yeahh.

I can only think of skits being about school stuff that's vaguely happening to me. Since that's like, the only thing that's happening in my life.

I'm so stressed for college, kill me.

About college, I have hope that I'll have an actual future. I forgot if I said it before, but I got accepted. And now I have two college acceptances. Which means I'll be going to college. What the heck.

Oh and those were my two favorite schools that I applied to. Yeah woo.

But they're small, non-state universities, and not that "hard" to get into. But, y'know, I'm really not ambitious at all, so getting accepted to a school is.. a good feeling. It validates me that I'm not a total failure. Ayy.

And so, that's why I quickly wrote that poem in the last post. I felt so good and full of light and everything good and life was good and I felt happy. I'm also trying to be more positive in this new year, so writing something like that was a start.

(I know the second sentence in that paragraph isn't a real sentence or whatever, but I don't care.)

I'm also annoyed because I keep on having unhappy dreams, I only got five hours of sleep (well, for yesterday- it's 12:30 now lol), and I'm not even half as happy as I was when I wrote that poem in the previous post.

I literally can't stay genuinely happy for more than three days at a time. Do you know how exhausting it is? It's exhausting. I'm so tired of this crap. Can I be happy and love life for more than a day? Apparently not. I hate this body. I don't even like being happy for long because that makes my body feel more energized (even if I'm not doing anything physically active) and I wear down and get so tired a lot faster and easier. It's annoying, ugh.

Uh.. my hands feel weird. I hate this, too. What the hell is with my hands? Geez.

I'm working on (fixing up) some drawings. They have Duke in them. Of course they do. I'm always out there, drawing my fire emo boy, in my free time.

By that, I mean I don't draw that much in my free time nowadays, but when I do, it's probably of Duke or Fierdan.

Uh.. I want to draw Dawn better because my last drawing of her was such a disgrace. I mean it still is. It's still disgraceful. Yeah eww.

Fun fact: It's 12:40 now, and I kid you not.. I heard this bird shriek like a little dinosaur right outside my bedroom window. It startled me. What the heck was that?

I'm gonna hate myself for staying up this late. Oh well. Screw it.

Well haha ha, bye!

~ Cutepups (the name, C'pup, has been stuck in my head.. what is this? stop being a loser fool who's trying to be punk and cool, @ me. stop it. yikes. go sleep, stupid.)

PS: Life is a heckin--

because i feel alive.

i'm looking at my past self again 

and that person staring back at me

the person who i was

during this past fall

this past october and november 

i think it's ridiculous that

that was me

because i only see a stranger in the mirror.

just a few months ago

and a few weeks ago

i could only write personal poems

full of my own version of

pain and sorrow

and i was hurting

everything hurt

because i thought i had to die.

i think it's ridiculous how hopeless i was

and how often i thought of dying

before 2018 could even begin

to be quite honest

i'm laughing right now

i think it was stupid of me

to have wanted death

so badly

because i don't want to die anymore.

i want to live

and i don't want to die

before the summer

since i'm full of hope now

after realizing i have

a long list of reasons to stay alive

i'm starting to appreciate living more

i don't want to die

because i feel alive.

the art of burning in the cold

despite the cold, 
i'm burning.

life is harsh now,
but we have to hang on to see spring. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

started this as a description for my tumblr blog, lol. but i also like it and think it sounds poetic.

i kinda want to start writing short poems. 

it's ironic that when it's freezing outside and i'm outside, it feels like i'm burning. 

life is cold and harsh in winter. will it get warmer and better in spring?

i hope so. don't give up. don't lose hope. 

[copy and pasted from my deviantart]

uhh heyo

Hey, I'm here to make a short post before midnight. 

Haha oops, I'm starting to regret how I worded things in the last post. I dunno...

Maybe I shouldn't have spoiled the book. But I didn't state the book name, so.. idk.

About books, I'm reading some of those. Reading.. wow, that's pretty cool. It's a lit activity, if you get what I mean.

Lit.. literature.. books.. something referring to something cool.... yeah uh, puns. 

Lately, I've been watching Netflix more frequently. I'm watching shows. Yeah lol. Nice distractions. 

Uhhhfffgrrghhrmmmm,,,,,,,,,,

The weather is wild. It was so warm today. Temperature increase of nearly 50 degrees from a few days ago. And it's gonna drop back in two days. 

Weather.. what the heck. Planet destruction, hmm? 

And now for my brief talk about my story characters. Well, kind of.

A and D are four letters apart. 

(So far I guess? I'm bad at determining their ages, ugh) There is a four year age gap between Ryen and Fierdan.

Their birth names start with the letters, A and D- not R and F.

Wow guys, aren't I a clever writer fool? :^) 

What else...?

Oh, I know, my drawings of Duke. I'll talk about that.

For a large portion of my drawings of Duke, I feel like I draw him more androgynously and not masculine enough (?). Until I drew him in future scenes after Taurel cut and shaved Duke's hair off do I think I'm actually drawing him as a guy and not something like an androgynous girl (? I'm wording this badly) who's trying to be male but isn't born male (?).    

I have other characters who are supposed to be androgynous-looking. Duke isn't one of them. And yet, I keep on drawing him more like that than those other characters.

Cutepups, why are you like this?

In other words, I think Duke looks afab in some of my drawings of him, but he's not that. So I'm looking through my drawings of him like huh. 

By Duke drawings, I'm referring to a bunch of them I made last year when I drew human Duke with his very dark brown hair at its longest point in the story. But even if I cover the parts of the drawings that make his hair look long, he still looks too feminine.

Duke isn't supposed to be the feminine one, dang it. 

Fierdan though? Oh hmm, it's complicated.  

I kinda refer to pre-Fierdan as a femboy. Because.. reasons. Yeah, those things.

(It's because pre-Fierdan Danny was such a gentle boy with barely any stereotypically masculine traits. He liked doing stereotypically feminine activities- such as wear bright/soft colors and play with flowers- and the only friend he really ever had was Dawn. Like honestly, there is such a change in pre-Fierdan Danny to when he's been under the name of Fierdan for years. They're like opposites, honestly. Z (his dad) would pity pre-Fierdan Danny so much, call him weak, and he would purposefully mock Danny by saying his name like the female equivalent of it- saying Daniel more like Danielle- just because Danny wasn't tough and insensitive like boys were "supposed to be like" or some crap. Z is the worst lmao. He sucks, end of discussion. Let my precious Danny boy be happy, Z sh*t.)

And no, he's not trans. Yeah ok. Z only referred to him more femininely to mock him for being weak for not being the most masculine-like boy. Gender roles.. gross.

Duke, however, didn't really do any stereotypically feminine activities when he was a very little kid. 

At some point, Fierdan thought of Duke being the idealized version of himself (?). 

... yeah hbbbrghh bye. 

~ Cutepups (who doesn't know how to actually word things) 

*fingerguns outta here* 

Book and Shook

Hi, yes, hello.

I thought of this quote a few hours ago. Will I actually include it in the story? I'm not sure. 

"I am the [Duke] Fierdan. I am the creator and the destroyer of worlds- the worlds of places and of people."

(The Duke is in brackets because that word is optional. It also works for Fierdan, so not just Duke.)

In totally unrelated news, I forgot to tell you guys something yesterday. I got a 100% on my math quiz. 

Perfect score. In math. Wow.  

I also spoke up in math class, so I could fix my mistake on the board before the teacher went over my math problem with the entire class. I made sure I wasn't a stupid fool. Go me, yes, woo.

Once again in totally unrelated news, I finished a book yesterday. 

Did I ever post something about this elemental magic book I was reading? In like, September? Well, I finished the book now. 

And.. damn.. the ending left me so shook. I'm still shook. Omg.. wow.

Was it such an unexpected plot twist? Well, not the most unexpected.

But, but, but! 

It reminded and inspired me about my own story I'm writing (aka Twinkle's Story, that's what I mean).

I was reading the ending and I was like, "That's what I plan on doing to Duke. Kind of."

But in the book, it's more similar to a horcrux (from Harry Potter), probably. Yeah, those things. Yikes.

The difference between Duke and the main character in the book is that it started when the book character was an infant (so already born), while for Duke, it starts when he's a fetus (so, unborn).

Viewers: Fetus? What are you talking about?

Me: Yeah. Before Duke was actually born, so fetus Duke.

Viewers: What?

Me: Fetus Duke. :)

Viewers: Dang. :/

I really shouldn't spoil the book, but how can I explain it? Oh heck. 

In the book: Main character finds out that his soul is this very evil person. Main character finds out he's the new version of this evil person, so the evil person is continuing to live and idk, be immortal or try to be.

And so, me being obsessed with my characters called Duke and Fierdan, reading that got me thinking. I got exhilarated. Yeah. Wow.

Okay, I'll explain it. 

In my story: Towards the mid-beginning of the story, Duke suddenly meets Fierdan, and then later, Soulless. Fierdan- being Soulless controlled so he's evil and intimidating af in his partly ghost form- tells Duke that he's also bleeding even though he caused someone else to bleed and not himself because Duke attacked Fierdan and he's bleeding as well because he's Fierdan. (I worded that sentence terribly, but oh well.). By the Night of the Black Flames, Duke has started to get vague memories of Fierdan but in his same perspective. For a while, he believes he's Fierdan's reincarnation. So do some other characters. At this point, Fierdan is only known as a ruthless killer who killed lots of innocent people. So, Fierdan is like the very evil person, right. And Duke is like the second living version of Fierdan, right. Well, living in the physical world (not heaven or hell/Cincernum). 

The book character has his memories blocked of him being the evil person, which reminds me of how Duke had his memories blocked of how he relates to Fierdan. 

In Cincernum, Soulless made Fierdan long for immortality (even though he came back to life after he first died, smh). And so, Fierdan used dark magic (really complex stuff) to create this small unidentifiable thing that's basically a permanent fusion of Fierdan and Soulless. 

About that, risks had to be made in order for Fierdan to create that. Fierdan, in Cincernum, had to give up and lose a body part (or more than one? haven't decided yet) in order to input his half of the fusion. 

The thing Fierdan and Soulless made together wasn't actually Duke himself. It was just what would be Duke's soul. 

Calliah has some phantom blood, so Fierdan- in his wicked cool ghost-like form, but also with Soulless in his head- decided to use her baby (fetus) as the perfect vessel to insert the (what's actually very small) thing that appeared when Fierdan used his cryptic, dark magic to permanently combine a part of himself and a part of Soulless together. This made Duke, well, be Duke. From his outer appearance to more inner stuff. 

That's how Duke looks and acts so much like Fierdan. Almost as if he's Fierdan's reincarnation. If Fierdan didn't put that cryptic thing through Calliah's body and into her unborn baby, then Duke wouldn't be Duke. He would be a completely different person in every way just about.

But once inside what would be Duke's body, the Fierdan and Soulless parts divided. So that resulted in Duke's outer appearance looking like Fierdan (ever since the Night of the Black Flames at least) and him having memories and connections to Fierdan. The core of his soul is purely Fierdan. The Soulless part, however, is his immunity (?) to physical pain and how it's hard for Duke to die. It's what makes Duke non-human. The part of his body surrounding his soul (one part being over his heart) is what Soulless dominates more than Fierdan.

It's late, I'm tired, this is worded badly.

Calliah and Eternal's baby wouldn't be Duke if Fierdan didn't intervene. So that's how Duke is Fierdan 2.0 I guess. Duke is basically the result of the direct small Fierdan-Soulless fusion thing being inserted into an unborn baby, and that unborn baby being the vessel in order to give life to that fusion thing.

Maybe I should draw it. Yikes lmao.

I'm probably so far-fetched in relating the book main character to Duke and Fierdan. Pfft.

I've been typing this whole post quickly, so I didn't think of how to word anything any better. 

Yeah. Whoops.

Well, bye for now.

~ Cutepups

urghh

Hey.

It's pretty ironic, I think. In the afternoon, I have so many short post ideas. 

But then later on in the day, I distract myself and lose that motivation to actually create those blog posts.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. Ahh.

I really don't mean to go a few days with no new posts- it just happens. Time passes, and I forget to post. 

For around a month or two now, I've had personal poems in mind. But when I actually go write or type a poem, I am only able to post good story poetry. I have plenty of poems about Fierdan. 

In single words, here are more Fierdan poems I have in mind: 

- Lions

- Angels

- Purge

Yeah. Vague.

I kept on thinking about Fierdan today. 

Am I obsessed with this character? Yeah, probably. 

As for why I said Duke and Fierdan are not exactly and purely similar, well, I'll explain it in another post. I'm typing this at midnight. I should sleep now instead of typing this dumb post.

I've been thinking. It's pretty cool how I have such a specific and exact vision of how my characters (well, as humans- I only view my characters as humans now) look throughout the story. I also have a specific voice for each of them. 

But no matter how hard I try to find a celeb/actor/whoever to compare how they look to how closely they look like to how I imagine what my characters look like, I can't find anyone who really matches enough to my high standards. Same goes for their voices.

All of my characters look so beautiful. I love their voices. 

I imagine Duke and Fierdan looking and sounding a little different. Not as much different as compared to other characters, but there's still a difference. 

I wish I could actually draw well realistically, so I can draw and accurately show you guys how my characters look and how their appearances change throughout the story (just talking about story 1- Twinkle's Story- for now since their appearances change so many times).  

Gosh, I'm so in love with Fierdan's voice. Dang. 

Duke's too, but not as much. Haha.

Oh and also Twinkle's, Dawn's, and.. Taurel's.

Their voices. <3 <3 I'm in love. 

This is probably a weird thing to read, but I see and hear my characters so specifically and vividly. 

I could start typing about other stuff, but I'm gonna end this post here.

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

Ouch (feat. my fire son)

Hello! ^-^"

I had this post idea for a few days now, but I haven't been motivated to post it until now. So here I am now.

I doubt I will, but I might post again later today. I probably won't though because I should be working on school stuff some more. And on top of that, I always feel awkward after posting.

So.. yeah. 

I'm glad to say that my ears aren't hurting anymore. The other day, I felt like I damaged my eardrums (ha, ha). Well, I like how I can listen to music through my earbuds again.

And now onto the main topic of this post. :-)

I noticed that I haven't made a long, dumb post over my story characters in a while. That guy? I haven't posted about him for a few days. Has it been over a week? I think so.

My boy.. I abandoned my boy! Hold on, let me get him!

[And at this sudden break in the post, feel free to question my existence. Ooh, ahh.]

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.................

~ warning: following content mentions stuff like pain ~

(ab*use/s mention regarding my fire son character)

 Psst, I'm going to ramble (and cry to myself) about Fierdan. 

Him... ;-; <3 :/

Alright. Since I've been thinking of posting Chapter 76 soon (whenever the heck that is), I've been looking back at Chapter 75. 

I also keep on reading my recent (ex) Fierdan themed poem. The one I titled, "Kill The Name (He Died That Day)".

I keep on getting chills whenever I read what I write in Fierdan POVs in the story. That's just the vibe I get from him. Does anyone else get chills when reading his POVs? Or is that another Cutepups only thing?

In Chapter 75, I get chills more than once whenever I read Fauna's POV during times when Fierdan says something. Like.. dang.. this freaking guy. 

Whenever Fierdan is in story scenes in general, I feel the chills. (By chills, I mean emotional chills, not really physical. But sometimes it is physical with me as well because I'm weird like that.)

Specifically in Chapter 75, I felt the chills when I wrote and read the flashback part in Fauna's POV. That part was intentionally one of my Chills TM moments. But a few days ago really, I was looking over that POV again, and I kept on staring at this line Fierdan says near the end of the chapter. It's not the very last thing he said (though I also feel some emotions at that last line).

It's when Fierdan says, "I never asked for it, yet I still received it."

Now I'm reading that sentence, and I'm like damn. I don't think I even intended for that line to be Fierdan on the borderline of telling another person (beside Duke and Dawn?) his history with abuse and manipulations. But that's all I can think of when I read that sentence now.

(Wait, why did I make him say 'body anatomy'? What the heck?)

Well anyway, there's this part in the poem that gives me chills. 

It's when I wrote (in Fierdan's/Danny's/idk what to call him in this poem- pfft), "Just like how Soulless was with me / And they wanted to touch my body / With their sickening kindness."

That line.. hurts me. But dang, I love how I worded that. 

***(Oh before I continue, I feel like I should say this. I know I write (and think) a lot about the different types of abuses that have happened to some of my characters. I'm constantly paranoid that my few active blog viewers are sick of me posting about this topic, and yeah I guess that makes sense. I'm bad at wording things, but every time I write about my abused characters, I'm trying to vaguely hint at the fact that one of my story themes (for story 1 and 2) is how abuse is terrible- very, very much so. The pain these characters go through isn't something that should be glorified. Even when it regards Twinkle, the abuses these characters have gone through.. the point I'm trying to make is that.. it ruins lives. It's ugly. Very freaking ugly. I never meant to make any abuse seem "cool" or "not that bad" because.. spoiler alert.. it psychologically f*cked up every single one of them. Like, a lot. For every one of them, I'm going to canonically make them be mentally ill. Oh and about Fierdan, I'm not saying he has X disorder because he's like, "oh sh*t, I killed those people; I'm gonna use X disorder as an excuse for my obvious sh*tty behavior." Because.. no, that's not it. Well yeah, because of his actions and being aware of the manipulations and lies, but that's just one part of it. Honestly, I've been scared of actually making Fierdan be diagnosed with X disorder in story 2 because of what he did in story 1. But now I keep on thinking of him having it, and it's like.. well.. how can I not make him have it? Especially after those things he said in chapters and in those poems about him. And I'm also not planning on only making Fierdan have this X disorder. But that's not the only mental illness I think of the characters having. Oh and this sort of thing in story 1 is worded badly and sketchy, but in story 2, it'll be more official like. More real. Uh.. yeah. I've been thinking of having (actual, official- not like those sad excuses in story 1) story scenes of therapy sessions in story 2. Probably gonna bring up meds, too. Yeah.. umm.. that. The X disorder would be ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder). I've been thinking about having a few characters having it, and I'm making their reactions toward their traumas (reactions like symptoms, basically) not be exactly the same but vaguely similar.. because their pasts are all different in some ways, like the abuser and the trauma isn't all the same for all of them. Am I wording this badly? Mm.. maybe. Yeah.. damn.. I had to take a break from typing up this post for almost an hour, and now I don't know where I was going with this. Sorry.. heh.)

If you still don't get my hint, those lines from Chapter 75 and the poem are about Soulless- the gray, large white-eyed demon that only Fierdan and Duke know far too well- being Fierdan's -Jamaa- lifelong abuser. 

Yeah, those two lines are about abuse. Yeah.. heck. 

Regarding the Chapter 75 one, Soulless severely hurt little kid Fierdan psychologically and physically for years and years all the damn time. Soulless forced Fierdan to learn anger and resentment and mercilessness. Before Soulless, Fierdan was basically a pacifist. The rest of Fierdan's childhood and adolescence in -Jamaa- with Soulless always being with him- and only him- was when Soulless forcefully recreated Fierdan to be stigmatized as this violent, well, killer. But.. spoiler alert.. every death he caused- except his father's- was seen as a good and intended thing. By who? Certain evil people (in story 2). Also his father. And of course that's a lifelong lie, that ultimately f*cked up Fierdan even more (the deaths already f*cked him up, but he couldn't exactly explain his real feelings about it all to other people because of Soulless controlling Fierdan mentally and physically so much). 

Fierdan never asked, never wanted for Soulless to come. Now this also relates to that line from the poem. Soulless.. is a complicated character, alright. What are their true intents? Well, too ultimately ruin Fierdan and Duke, of course! If Soulless was consistent and only hurt Fierdan and Duke, then they (Fierdan and Duke) would get used to that enough and want to get rid of Soulless much sooner. But what took Fierdan so long to realize that Soulless is always bad no matter how they're behaving toward him. In -Jamaa-, Soulless was the only character that stayed with Fierdan through everything. Fierdan and Dawn were very close before and after coming to -Jamaa- but Soulless stayed with Fierdan much closer (they manipulated his mind) and longer than Dawn ever did. About Fierdan and Dawn, I kinda see Fierdan being Dawn's protector and someone who wouldn't hurt her but would hurt someone who even thought of hurting her. Even staring at Dawn for too long would have made Fierdan angry at that person because Dawn as a child used to be very uncomfortable when she was aware that people were staring at her. So, a stranger looking at Dawn could have made Fierdan interpret that as a threat to Dawn. And why was Dawn like that? It's because of her past (trauma) that took place before -Jamaa-. But she doesn't exactly know why she was that way when she was younger. Human world memories were forgotten for the most part, so.. yeah.

Regarding that line from the poem, Soulless didn't always physically abuse Fierdan whenever they touched. For example, Soulless could hug or pat Fierdan on the back after Fierdan did what Soulless wanted him to do. Like, after killing someone, or Fierdan just growing angrier with any other character (his father, later including Dawn). That praise from Soulless is when they're showing Fierdan kindness and love. And only getting praise, kindness, and ultimately love in situations such as Fierdan having killed someone or being consumed more with deep hatred.. well, it's sick. It's messed up. It's, as I wrote it and he said it, sickening kindness. It's a skewed version of love, but after Fierdan being truly isolated from others for so long, it's the only love he knows. It's basically praise/kindness/love that only comes from violence and hate. That's sick. Soulless is a sick bastard. 

.... umm.. f*ck. Those two Fierdan lines also look like they could be referring to sexual abuse. They sound like things a victim of that could say. Damn, maybe that's also why the lines are giving me so many freaking chills. 

Ah.. f*ck you, Cutepups. 

(No, there was no sexual abuse between(? idk words, heck) Soulless and Fierdan. Probably not. Likely not. Yeah.. no. *hey there, I rate this story series as mature, keeps on f*cking me up and I'm the writer*. But maybe.. just maybe.. Soulless would brush by Fierdan, intentionally and awkwardly. Fierdan has been the puppet of melancholy for Soulless. Yeah, the puppet of melancholy- I talked about that before. It's a big theme regarding a bunch of characters (Fierdan, Duke, Soulless, Z- Fierdan's father-, Taurel, then possibly later with Ryen). The puppets being Fierdan and Duke, then much later, Taurel. They're the ones being used, hurt. The puppeteers being Z (as the main one), Soulless, Taurel, and even Fierdan with Duke being the puppet. Ryen is somehow both a puppet and puppeteer. But at different times, Fierdan, Duke, and Taurel become both puppets and puppeteers. It's supposed to be a brutally violent metaphor.. ha, ha. And several times in the past, Soulless would intrusively (again, what are words?) come out and talk to Fierdan when he would be all alone (of course) and at times when Fierdan doesn't expect them to come. (I refer to Soulless as they/them, so.). And, well, that includes when Fierdan is naked (what's he doing? showering? idk.). So.. well, Soulless wanted to see Fierdan and maybe brush by him when he was like that, at the most vulnerable (there's no clothing to protect your body when you're basically naked) because they love unsettling Fierdan since they live on Fierdan's fears. Oh and then Soulless would casually- more calmly than harshly- mock Fierdan and call him weak due to what his body- without Soulless controlling it by being in his mind- looks like on its own. Because, like, Soulless gives Fierdan and Duke unnatural strength and brutality. So without Soulless, Fierdan's body looks weaker. And of course, the opposite side of Soulless when they're not praising and being kind to Fierdan, is when Soulless is making Fierdan learn even more hatred and is when they're abusing him. Yeah.. f*cking demon bastard. Soulless.. yikes. *shivers*)

Oh and another thing. I know it's been like Fierdan and Duke are basically the same. And I mean, yeah, that's true. But they're also opposites. 

Yes. Fierdan and Duke are opposites. In addition to being the same. 

Haha, I'm not explaining how in this post. This post is long enough as it is. 

Heh, dark themes. Mm, hmm, heck.

I think about Fierdan way too much. A victim but no saint. Oh hmm. 

I love my fire boy. I.. umm.. love him. 

F*ck. Damn it. 

Fierdan... ;-; <3 :/

This character. Ouch.

~ Cutepups :'-)