shrugs

Um.. hi.

Well, Halloween is basically over. It's less than an hour to the day after Halloween. So. Yeah.

Didn't do much. Cutepups isn't fun.

Today wasn't as bad as it could have been. Which is good.

I'm not as sick. Okay.

Uh.. question.

Am I annoying?
a) yes
b) yes
c) yes
d) yes
e) yes
f) yes
g) yes
h) yes
i) yes
j) yes
k) yes
l) yes
m) yes
n) yes
o) yes
p) yes
q) yes
r) yes
s) yes
t) yes
u) yes
v) yes
w) no??
x) it's okay to let out feelings
y) i don't comment cuz i have a life
z) eww

That was necessary. (ahheckah)

Sorry about.. what happened. I was hating myself again, oops.

I'm apparently going to be visiting colleges for a lot of weekends now. At least no more SAT class.

How was Halloween for you?

.. ... ....

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa !!!!!

No one's gonna comment.

But what if someone actually does? Like, how ironic would that be?

Or some random dude will stumble across this post several months in the future. And then. Leave a comment.

That circumstance happened a lot on here in the past. That was nice.

(I miss you,,)

November already? That's crazy! This whole year is crazy!

spoop spoop bye bye

ruining your self

I like that Google thing today. The ghost hunter game. It's pretty nice. Cute. Good job.

: )

I used to hate the song, Sail, when it first came out. Now I'm finally liking the song.

Nice.

I don't know, have a lyrics dump from a couple songs I keep on listening to.

Feelings. Fvck.

: )

"Maybe I should cry for help, maybe I should kill myself... Sail with me into the dark. (Sail!)" (sail)

"Today's homework is about me, with no individuality... Are we really fine, remaining as we are? Hey, what should I do? It doesn't matter anymore... As always, I can't solve yesterday's homework... Saying we want to disappear? Saying we want to die?" (lost one's weeping)

"I'll become what you like. This is what you wanted, right? Sacrifice all I know, I will teach myself to let go." (copycat)

"Falling asleep to these wicked dreams." (wicked)

"I never wanted this to happen, never wanted this to die. But I've pushed myself down so far, I couldn't come back if I tried." (fiction)

"All we do is hide away... All we do is live inside a cage... All I do is fail today." (all we do)

"I'd be lying if I told you I'm fine, but I lie. These thoughts I will never speak out loud... I'm drowning, I keep going down... I've gotta stop overthinking. I am drowning... and apathy. Will be the death of me.." (drowning)

"Please don't make any sudden moves, you don't know the half of the abuse... Got trust issues not to mention, they say they can smell your intentions... Watch it... I tried to warn you just to stay away." (heathens)

... what the fvck am i doing ...

: )

Don't get the wrong idea. I know I've been posting a bunch of drawings recently. Doesn't mean I don't hate my art anymore. Or even as much. I still hate my art (like, hmm, how it freaking looks) so much. I just post them because that's the best post idea I have.

Oh and don't get the idea that I'm happy and better. I'm sad again. Apathetic (irl at least, not too obvious online). Still sick. Right before Halloween. Won't get better tomorrow. Because of things in my life.

Ever feel so disgusted with yourself that you wish you could just tear your skin off because it feels like you're drowning in sweat underneath your skin?

No? Oh ok. Guess that's good. You're not as disgusted with yourself and feel uncomfortable as me then. Yeah, I'll shut up about this now. ..

Full of self-hate. Mm, that be me.

: )

I'm ruining my own life and my future. But. I can't bring myself to care.

Fantastic, isn't it? :"}

:"}

Dang, that be my face.

It's so hard to be positive all the time. How do people do it? It's hard to stop my mind from saying on repeat stuff like "you're a sad excuse of a human being and you don't deserve to live" already. And yet. Some people can make themselves be positive nearly all the time. Wow, what a concept.

Being different and taking a break isn't good advice for me. It. Doesn't. Help. God. Damn. It.

I'm supposed to care. But I don't. I've been told I'm useless and don't deserve help quite a few times this weekend alone. Pathetic excuse of a human. Not interested. No interests. Nothing left.

Bad at searching for colleges. What's the point? In anything? College visits, huh? Where am I interested in going? Don't know. I'm unhelpful. I'm useless. Interested in what? Passionate in what? Nothing at all.

I have a project to do. I don't care much about anything anymore. I could fail. I could ruin my life. I could destroy my future. And I'm too tired to care. I don't care.

It's bad. Very bad. I'm bad.

Can't bring myself to care.

fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck

When person first see me and what I can do, they set up expectations for me. And soon enough, they get thrown away. Soon enough they get to know how irresponsible I am. How much of a bad person I am.

It's no one's fault but mine. It's mine. It's all my fault. I've ruined myself and continue to. My fault.

No use to even bother with me.

There is no point.

In the past on here, there were so many people who were nice and tried to be a help. And what did I do? Push them away. Say bad replies back. Disregard them in the end.

Ruined my chances. Now there's no reason why anyone should come back.

Again and again. Time and time again. I keep on messing up. Never did the right thing even once.

I'm sorry. For how I've been.

I'm sorry. This isn't what you wanted of me. I'm only disappointing you. I've failed you. My current self is something you never wanted me to become.

Disappointing all those around me. In life. In death.

"When I grow up, I want to be nothing at all." (the end)

Nothing.

I can't find a single thing.

My siblings and peers keep on talking about their Halloween parties and trick-or-treating.

Not me. No celebrating for me. Nothing fun coming for me.

Gonna feel crappy again.

Whatever. I'm no fun, anyway.

Bad. > Ruins. Everything.

Good. > Fixes. Nothing.

: )

*coughs all over screen*

Bye.

another awful doodle

Yeah.

Anyway...

Oops, I forgot to post this last night.

Inktober 28: Burn

I drew this in my art class because we weren't doing anything. 

Wow man so like spooky scary like look at him being chained up and burned alive 

hot 

did you know

Every time I woke up this week I got another scratch.

On random places on my arms, on my right shoulder, and on my face.

It's like.

Oh ok. Another one. Oh boy.

I had a dream that I was in the city and got lo mein (I love that Chinese food, mm). And it came with strawberries. Which was weird. Then I was at my aunt's house. And I had a pet turtle who I kept on calling Mr. Richard. Me and him, we watched movies together. Then before my aunt came home (I was alone in her house for some reason) there comes my mom. And she warns me by saying the turtle name isn't Mr. Richard, it is Mr. Harry. Then I was sad and felt betrayed. He will always be my Mr. Richard. And then the turtle fell down the stairs and through the floor. So he just. Disappeared. And the dream ended with me crying.

I also had another very cool dream but was way more sad and scary. It was like a story. Interesting. It was something about staying at this haunted house but not really a "haunted house". And I was playing this game with a boy and sometimes also with a girl. The game involved something to do with the tree in front of the house. Like on one side of the house and in the front. Eventually the boy and girl nearly die while playing this sick game involving the tree. And then as I enter the house, my family suddenly is there. And there's food in the giant fridge. Like there was pizza, hot pockets, and quesadillas. Then my brother takes a quesadilla out from the fridge like so casually. Is this my new house? I did not know. Where was that witch lady who was here before who told me to play the tree game with the boy and girl? So many questions.

Oh my.. maybe this means something. I can actually remember certain details from dreams I had from a few days ago. That's pretty cool, right? I mean sure, I do repeat the thoughts of the dream several times in my mind while I wake up and get ready. But still. I remember parts of my dreams. That's wild, man.

I should start a posting segment. And name it. Like. Dream Journal. A meme. Wow.

Well. 'Night.

attention attention

Good. I've caught your attention. 

So, well, hi. 

I feel good. Because. I drew something today (and only today). And I. Finished it. 

That's not all.

I drew something I don't hate (as much). Like, what I'm trying to say is, I'm actually kinda proud of this drawing. 

*metaphorically screams on top of building: I arted, I arted! Please validate me by paying attention to it! My art flaws aren't as prominent in this one!* 

Yes. 

Give it up for Spooky Blue (my persona on dA)! 

:D 

If you can't read what it says in my handwriting that I tried to write neatly it says:

Look into my eyes 

and tell me

You Love Me.

Yes.

Bye now! 

~ Cutepups 

ha ha haa

Hello.

I feel like rambling about my day.

Ok so.

I pretty much have a cold. I thought it was getting better today (I didn't wake up with a pounding headache like the two days before and I didn't feel so tired that I slept most of the late afternoon into the night), but maybe not. Because today. I started coughing.

Woo fu--fricking (??) fantastic! And on a busy week too. Wow, body, thanks a lot. (I take medicine but it doesn't really help that much lmao).

I'm so thankful that my teacher pushed back the due date of the project. So it's on Monday now. Instead of tomorrow. Thank the heavens. God bless America.

I kinda-ish wanna draw a dragon. But like. Drawing dragons is hard. Work is hard. Life is hard.

I could've helped a friend at a Halloween event today. But I had to decline the offer.

Oh, the good old SAT class.

It was today. 3 hours. Took a practice version of the SAT exam. Basically took the SAT tonight. Yes, tonight. It ended a little after 9:30. Yeah, pretty late.

And when are the rest of the people in my class taking the SAT for real? Next week. Yeah great right, and then there I am planning on taking it in March. So like. Incredible.

And I had to wait even longer to get picked up. And then. We got lost. Stupid detours. So I had to use my phone's gps. So we come home an hour later.

So like. That was the gist of my night. Pretty lively, am I right? Answering reading questions and solving math questions that I never learned the information on yet. Great, right? Just. Wow.

My dad's pissed off still.

I was in such a good mood last week. And now. It just plummeted.

I'm a fool and my life's a joke.

End everything in "lol" or "haha" or "lmao" or maybe even a smiley face. Don't want to worry anybody by sounding too serious in the messages you send to people.

bye lol haha :")

-}=>(^~^)<={-

......

a spoopy art

Here's the drawing I was talking about. 

I already know there are a ton of things wrong with the anatomy. The background's kinda weird but I don't care I'm too tired to care.

So yeah. *throws my awful art at you* 

I think I posted a wip of this drawing a few weeks ago. Well, here's the finished version. 

Storm be that black kitty cat. 

Meow.

I changed my eye style once again. Man, oh man, Cutepups can never stick with one way to draw eyes. 

I also changed the neck style. I was getting annoyed at myself for always drawing such thin and long necks. Like, my dude, that doesn't make any sense.

I can't really tell, but I think I'm improving with how I draw hands. Look, I drew a peace sign. Look at this little punk.

Yeah. Bye now.

*ends post before being able to complain about personal things* 

: ) suffering : )

~ Cutepups 

never mind

I obviously didn't make another post yesterday featuring my art.

Sorry about that.

In fact, I just finished coloring it not too long ago. I would post it now, but it's late which would make the lighting in the photo look bad. And yeah, I'm too tired to get the camera and adjust my drawing papers several times until I can take a decent photo of it.

I don't know when I'll post it. Hopefully tomorrow, but knowing me no promises.

And I have no idea when I'll finish the other few other drawings.

On other news, little punk cat Thelma decided to scratch my finger today. So now I have this long scratch on the inner side of my left index finger. Thelma never stops to annoy me. Ahh.

My other cat Zo got a paper receipt stuck on one of his back paws. Being himself, he wouldn't allow anyone to take it off for him. So he's just. Running around the house. With a paper on his foot.

Sunshine gets the award for best pet of the day. She's not as annoying as the cats. Good job, dog.

I'm just here. On my bed. Casually drowning in procrastination. I'm soaking in it. I procrastinate on everything. Not nearly everything. Everything. I almost forgot to walk my dog (poor Sunshine) and eat dinner (I constantly forget that I should eat even if I'm not hungry oops lol) for last night. But it's all good. I ended up doing those things. Good vibes.

I'm also in that sorta funk mood. Where you're just. You can just. Feel the despair and sadness creeping up beneath the surface. Please stop, no, hide under the carpet again. Stop resurfacing every few days. Stop, please stop. Oh my god why.

I have to work on this project for school. How tragic.

Another thing I'm drowning in is essays.

So many essays. Unbelievable.

I took the PSAT this past week. And yet I still have to go to my SAT class. And then get assigned to do essays there too.

Two essays? Are you kidding me? Yeah, just go on and pile more essays on top of me. That's totally fine.

Life. How tragic.

I feel so dramatic in my posts. Like they're not even dramatic. I'm such a boring person that they just seem that way.

Shut up, brain.

'Night.

aj yo

Hi.

 My mom was talking about Atlantis, and she said there's a big aquarium inside. I kept on hearing her say there's a big crayon inside Atlantis.

I had a dream that I was singing. In public.

Why am I like this.

I took these pictures on AJ. Lol enjoy.

At the Donut Party, there were no donuts (tragic). However, there was this giant knight who fatally stabbed Precious in the back with his giant sword.

This entertained me.

Someone was screaming for help in Jamaa Township (help them).

At the Chemistry Party, there is a message on the whiteboard. I think it is saying that Mira equals gold or sulfur. Mira is an element, who knew!

I'm alone again.

I almost typed I'm aloe.

Aloe.

Anyway. I was like, "you know what i don't care anymore", so I didn't edit the words in that post to my ridiculous words like "frick" or "eff" or "effing".

effing eff 

effie

elf

Might post a drawing tonight.

Not likely but there's still a chance.

My stomach is lowkey hurting for no reason again. 

Gosh darn you anxiety.

It's getting cold.

Bye.

ur sinus

Hello.

I had this new post thing opened on my phone. And I just. Fell asleep for a few minutes with my phone in my hand.

Wow.

I got a college email today. From Ursinus College.

ur sinus

My nose.

I'm not funny.

Also. I'm offended. No one commented any hate for what I said in my previous post.

How dare you.

I was driving today. Nervous. First time driving with my brother in the car. He came home. Leaving tomorrow.

To BWW.

Wings.

Goodnight everybody.

writing artsy attempts

Hi. :)

Comment what you think of them. If you want.

I'm typing them up on the spot, so let's see what happens.

<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

//death and blood mention//
//language warning//
(putting this just in case)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Passion

What does it mean? What do you mean by passion? What are you even saying? I don't understand your language. You want me to tell you what I'm passionate about? What my interests are? What I love? Your words aren't making any sense. I guess I can only lie. So I'll just tell you I like to draw and write. Yeah, doing that is fun. Is it really though? Of course not. You say everyone has a fire inside of them- a metaphor for passion. If I wasn't so scared of everyone, I'd tell you the truth. But I'm a coward, so I'll write it here instead. Well, here goes. If I have a fire like you say I do, it's on its last legs. Passion never stays with me. Some days I can feel excitement and motivation rushing through my veins. And on other days I can feel my veins blocking those out. And on those days I can only perceive myself as a talentless, good-for-nothing loser. My fire has been damaged too many times. It's nothing more than a tiny flickering flame. What kind of excuse is having a passion where some days you can deal with it but others you can't? What kind of excuse is it when more days than not you want to tear up and destroy every writing and art piece you've made in the past few years including this one? It's not a passion if I hate what I do, everything I do, and don't enjoy it as much as I used to. It's not a passion if I always feel like quitting. Without this, I have nothing left. I have the lighter, but it's not working. Believe me, I know. I tried. But whatever I do, it won't start a fire. I can't rekindle my passion fire. So what does it mean to be passionate about something? I couldn't tell you.

- - - -

Blood Ink

Words can cause pain too, you know. Perhaps more pain than anything physical. Stop being so ignorant. Words can cause people to bleed just like fists and rocks and everything worse can. Words bleed too. Write the words down, all of them that hit you emotionally, and they bleed ink. Before you know it, the page in your journal is covered in words. The pen you wrote with has its ink bleeding the page. Now you've written so much that the ink is on your hands. And in that moment the roles are switched. You're the bad one now. You're swarming in your own guilt. Because now you have writer's blood on your hands. Eventually you'll be covered in the blood, suffocating you, and one day you'll wake up with ink scars in their place. And from there, you won't be able to stop bleeding ink on paper or on skin. Because at this point, words said to you messed you up so much that you'll never forget them. And yet you dare tell me "words will never hurt me" to this day. No. Fuck you. Stop invalidating people's struggles. If they say they're in pain, they're in pain. Words cause pain too. Words can bleed too. Just wait and see.

- - - -

About Life and Death

The question blinked on the screen. What's better- losing your life or losing your life? It's the same, right? Why does it even matter? You're losing your life either way. Getting in specifics, however, that's when things get different. Quickly or slowly? Physical pain or emotional pain?  All at once or over time? All these questions. Is more humane equal better? Humane in what concept? Physically or mentally? One side is no physical pain for more and more emotional pain. One side is no emotional pain for physical pain for a short time. Would you rather be alive or dead? What's the point in being asked the option. Either way, you're losing your life. There's no happy ending either way. You're screwed this way or that. There is no fucking point. Don't you see? You die in both circumstances. Is it really better to be isolated and confined in a prison cell that's a steel box only big enough to fit one person for the rest of your natural life? Nothing to do, no one to talk to, no sunshine, no happiness for the decades left in your life? Is that really all that better than just being killed then and there? What about painlessly? Is living really worth it when you know you're losing parts of your life forever just like if you simply died? Forever either way. Stop getting off topic, focus on the rest of the classwork.

- - - -

I'm tired now.

Remind yourself: It'll be okay. I'll be okay.

Never forget that.

Please.

let's lie down and talk about the universe

Mm, nice post title if I do say so myself.

It can be about anything really. Why not. Just for the heck of it.

Let's lie down though because I'm so tired. Stars are great. I like skies. They're pretty beautiful.

Haven't been much comments lately. That's okay though. Busy with more important things. I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone. At least not anymore.

I really do want to change myself for the better. I want to be less self-obsessed and always posting negative stuff. I'll try to be more calm and easy to approach to, if that makes any sense. I want to put some positive vibes on here. I really can't handle this negativity on here anymore. Really want to change that.

I've been recently drawing males. Decided to change things up than me always drawing females in the past.

I kinda want to start posting short prose things. Things that are a paragraph long and are in 2nd POV and very detailed. Those lovely writing things. I kinda want to try them out for myself, haha.

It's so hot where I live. Heat makes me so tired and sweaty. Gross. Causes me to have headaches too. Ugh.

I'm more tired and weak nowadays, and some days I'm way too tired to even type up a post. School makes me more tired and busy too.

I've also been watching newer anime , shows on Netflix, and YouTube videos instead of mainly focusing on blogging like, I don't know, let's say a year ago.

I think last October I made a confession post about how blogging (on Blogger I mean) was taking over my life. I was pretty addicted to Blogger. And now I don't check any Blogger related thing as much. Like at least half as much.

Change sure is real.

I'm going to disable comments on more of my older posts. Soon enough.

I also don't post every day in the week anymore because school is keeping me busy. For instance, I have to finish an essay for tomorrow and study for another AP test that's tomorrow. And then have to do an essay on that test. Essays never go away it seems. Unfortunate.

And my parents are really getting onto me about college related things for me. If you don't know, I'm a junior in high school. I know based off my my older posts it can be hard to believe, but it's true. This school year is what colleges focus a lot on. And around this time next year, I sure gotta have an idea for where I want to go to college and start applying to them. Which is very stressful because my parents are on my case about college things like college visits. Oh and I have no "dream school" or anything like that right now. So yeah. Stressful.

I also have SAT classes and work to do. That takes free time out too. Took the PSAT today, going to take SAT practice exams in my SAT class in the next few sessions. Maybe an ACT one too. Those are like college placement tests. Collegeboard exams.

Gah, I don't want to grow up and have responsibilities. Too much pressure, man.

So there are some explanations about how my life is at the moment.

It's weird. I'm not as lonely as I used to be. I have a friend who texts me daily. That's not much, but it means a lot to me. This is so different for me.

Volunteering activities and clubs also make me more busy nowadays. That's the main thing we discuss though. Not too exciting, but at least it's something. 

Overall, I feel better mentally for these past few weeks. So that's another reason why I haven't made some vent posts in a while. The full-out vents, I mean. So that's good probably.

I also ate breakfast this morning. That's something new. Haven't done that in a while. Especially on a school day.

Anyway.. um.. ,,

I just want to apologize for how I've been in my posts in the past years and months. My posts disgust me a lot. That's why I've been thinking of deleting the blog come 2017. I have been so ignorant and a bunch of bad words.

I'm going to try to remember to disable comments on all my story chapter posts. To be honest, the storyline doesn't bother me much anymore. It's just.. how I was. It makes me hate the story even more. You guys can't even begin to think of how much it repulses me.

I'm older now and more informed about certain topics. I'm more certain about my identity and orientations now. And those of others too. I know what it's like far better now than back then due to personal experiences. I was ignorant. I was a jerk. And for all that, I'm very sorry. The things I've said in those writings haunt me nearly every day.

I'm trying to be a better person and change my ways. Not like how I've been on here for even years now.

I want to have ideas. And not break any more promises. I don't want to hurt anyone; I don't want to always lie about post ideas. I want to go through with them. Actually make posts of them.

However, I also have an idea to start drawing the characters from said story as humans in a more realistic drawing style. That seems pretty interesting.

I don't care anymore. I want to put in mature content things like bad language and hints of it in those drawings. Perhaps partial nudity too. To show how I view the characters better. And by that I mean using the words the substitute words I used in the writings are.

Yeah. Me. Mm.

That's that.

Take care. <3

a poem :^)

it is hot.
can it not?

Wow nice beautiful.

It's the fall. It's mid-October. Why is the weather still hot? Temperatures in the 80s (fahrenheit of course since if that were to be celsius i'd be dead :>).

Still. It's nice not having to put on jackets and heavy clothes still. That's kinda annoying.

The weather has to chill though. Less heat, more chill.

Ever feel so disgusting that you just want to tear off your skin because it feels so gross and oily on you and it won't go away?

Ah..... yeah. That's what I feel like right now.

Ridiculous. This is ridiculous.

Anyway, I messed up my sleep schedule bad yesterday. It's not good to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep, kids. And then nap in the evening and wake up from the nap at the time you're supposed to go to bed on school nights. That's not good. Don't be like me. Don't mess yourself up on purpose.

Know what's healthy? Eating. Eating healthy. Eating fruit. Eating grapes. Grapes are good. Except if you're allergic. Then they won't be good for you. I've been eating grapes. I'm eating so healthy, guys, so healthy.

Nah, I still don't eat breakfast most of the time and don't eat or drink anything for over 12 hours.

Hahaaaaaaaaaaa.

I'm tired and weak. Oh heck the agony.

Ok but really though. Live in the now. That's some healthy thing. Live in the present. Not the past. Not the future. Just where you are now and the next 24 hours ahead of you. The past already happened. We all screwed up a lot of things in the past (if you didn't screw up anything in the past then i might probably hate you :>), and the past is over with. Sure, things from the past might scar you for what you think would be the rest of your pathetic life but it's in the past and that's all that matters. The future is too far away. Don't think about it too much. Don't think about it for your own sanity. Don't think about how you have no future. Don't fall into existential despair and "i wanna die" again. Don't do it. Shut up, me, shut up. The future only makes you more prone to anxiety attacks, so let's just stay in the present. By you I mean me. Live in the now. Suffer because of what's currently happening. Not the past or future. The present. The now.

*screams*

I'm tired. Sleeping for a very long while sounds good. Sleeping forever can't happen though. Unfortunate.

I also found out where I posted that picture of that cow. This is what I wrote. I was one wild blogger in the early days of 2015. I was so lively then. So alive. Not dead like I am today. At least dead inside. Oh, the edge. *hits arm against edge of table* Ouch.

☆

*random cow barges into the scene*

RANDOM COW: I'M A COW!!!!!!!!!! MOOEY, MOO, MOOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

☆

Heck.

(Why do I keep on referring to Heck Tate randomly in my posts? I don't know. This is a mystery even I don't know.)

MOOEY, MOO, MOOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'night.

i'm on my computer

I know. Shocking.

I changed my profile pic. I don't like looking at my art that much. I'm annoyed every time I look at my art. I hate it and always see flaws.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I even want to bother posting the drawings I've been working on.

I don't know. I'm not that satisfied with anything much anymore.

So. New profile pic.

From a vocaloid song called Lost One's Weeping.

Basically a song about the stress that comes with being in school. School is stressful. I had (and still have to tbh) so many essays to do. In the past week I had to do 4 essays. Lot of papers. Oh and the song also reminds me of having a existential crisis/existential despair. Something like that. I get those often too. Haha how fun.

I had another bad dream about school. It was pretty weird. At one point, my class had to lie down on the floor face down. In the dark. It was for a history test. Yeah, weird. I recently had a history test though. Um.. what.

Cool, the music playlist is working on the blog. Last time I went on my blog on my computer, the playlist wouldn't load. I'm glad it's working again. 

Anyway, I went on that good old AJ game. I forgot I took the black glove and replaced it with a wristband on Precious. The front page and loading screens are different now. 

I didn't take pictures of the loading screens, but for the front page I did.

All them animals are happy and joyful. 

Then this little pink sloth stalker creep suddenly shows up from out of that Membership sign.

Sloths are so creepy smh.

I took those 2 pictures after I logged out tbh.

So then I went on AJ. And I saw these chat bubbles. What a nice conversation. Amazing.

Simply amazing. Oh and Precious, stop eavesdropping on people's conversations. They're discussing burned pizza rolls not marshmallows. 

Oh, you don't know who Precious is? My, oh my, how could you not? Here, this is the ultimate swag picture of Precious I have. It is of top most quality.

I named it "precious graphic swag".. omg who was I in 2014. Or 2015. I honestly don't remember when I made this.

I actually realized I didn't start being very sad and ehhhh in December. I actually was already sad and ehhhh last October. 

I only found that out because I've been checking my blog stats. Why do my personal posts with all them vent vibes from last October have a lot of views all of a sudden? Who's spying on my posts from around a year ago? I regret everything I do from the past. Heck why. 

Back to now. I designed a pet phantom. 

What a pure bean.

Only a few would get this. But. Fierdan (and Soulless) made these black goops of ink evil. Screw both of them. *cries* They suck. *uhm heck*. 

Never mind, only I get it. It's ok I'm already alone. It's fine.

Mm ok. Let's move on to another segment of Precious trying on new clothing items. 

These items are so rad. So fashionable. 

Not everyone will get this, but these eyes are pretty much how the 3 weirdo foxes in that crappy story I wrote on here way back in the day have their eyes when they're blazing. Like when fire dude nearly kills people. Or when green girl is just being a seductive creep. Or when blue fool destroys her tail armor. I think? But like. These eyes are so accurate. They also look like the eyes of an evil mouse that's sneering. Yeah totally lol.

Yeah just. Just putting a box over Precious's head. It's the newest fashion statement.

Here is another new fashion trend. It's all in now. All the kids are obsessed with it.

Become a fuzzy and friendly monster with this mask that's also totally in style nowadays. 

There's also this plaid shirt. It looks pretty good on you, Precious. Good.

... *sets self on fire for bringing up characters again* 

Wh..

I have this random picture of a cow saved on my computer. 

I was one wild blogger over a year ago.

... *sets past self on fire*

So that's all the new AJ pictures I have for now.

It's 1 am. Late blogging on the computer like back in the day again. 

. . . . . . .

I'll conclude this post with a short Cutepups Support segment. 

It's basically mental health support. Just me spreading some of them positive vibes.

:)

Check out these links. The websites are pretty cool. 

http://freerice.com/ (answer fairly easy questions and every question you get correct helps donate rice to a food charity)

http://sanger.dk/ (a dog licking your computer screen)

http://calmingmanatee.com/ (pictures of manatees with positive words)

https://www.thehopeline.com/ (an actual website with lots of things focusing on hope)

http://theanimalrescuesite.greatergood.com/clickToGive/ars/home (just click the button to donate for a lot of good reasons listed there)

It's now 2 am. 

Guess that means I better go. 

at least it's friday

Hey. Today's Friday. No school tomorrow. Yes.

School is stressful and that sucks. Many essays. I'm also sensing nearly all of my grades dropping. Making me feel like I'm becoming a failure (that and because I have no ideas for the future such as anything college related at all).

I bet I didn't do that well on the two tests I took yesterday. The questions though.. ugh. An essay included too. Also had to take the mile run test in gym.

It was a tiring day.

But later in the day, I became less full of my self-hatred and tiredness.

So yeah. That was my day.

Oh and honestly, it wasn't that hard or painful not eating and drinking the other day. Some days I can spend the whole day not eating (or barely eating) anything until dinner time. And I don't get as painfully hungry anymore. Same with drinking. Heck, who knew I could forget that I'm a human and shouldn't not eat or drink anything for over 12 hours. Man, oh man, yeah.

Anyway, that dog stuffed animal I posted about a few days ago? Well, he has a label on him. His name is Homer. What a name. Habitat for Humanity. Home.. r. Homer. Wow.

I forgot I have a music player on here. Does it still work for you guys? Heh, the songs though.

Hopefully, school won't ruin my day today. Heh.

I'm scared of checking my grades. Heh.

*shrugs*

why am i like this

Hello. The day has passed. I'm just here to post about stuff I've been thinking.

"I was weak ... I have failed You ... Others hurt me ... I hurt others" - dang man that hits close.

New beginning; time to restart. Well, uhm, yeah.

I got kinda sick last night. I was worrying and feeling sad again. Yeah that again, oops.

Then I decided to look at positive things, go on positive websites, and listen to calm music. Since, well, looking at negativity wasn't going to help me. So then I discovered these songs by Oh Wonder and instantly fell in love. Then again, any song I end up liking a lot I instantly get obsessed with it.

I tend to get more tired on days when I wake up later. It's like the more hours I sleep at night, the more tired I am the next morning and rest of the day.

If my stomach doesn't lowkey hurt all the time, I think I would sleep most of the time when I'm home. Tied to anxiety and that shiz. Right now it's hurting because of the tests I have tomorrow and then seeing the oral surgeon tomorrow too. And how I basically ruined my math grade. And also how I have to write 2 or 3 essays tomorrow.

I'm so tired of always worrying. Heck, I'm tired of being tired.

I've been thinking. Everything on the internet is so fragile. Like, I know it's crazy, but it's not that hard to, well, straight up lie on the internet. To just hurt people. I already view myself as being a liar (let's just say it's related to mental health/illness stuff.. idk). But like. I can't help feeling like I'm lying and being manipulative to people on the internet (like you guys).

I constantly feel guilty about this. I just want to start everything over. Make it so no one knows anything about me. New internet identity. Just escape the past. Set the past on fire and leave. Don't come back, just go.

My life isn't awful. It's not crap. Life is pretty decent, pretty good. What do I have to be sad about? I can still be happy, right? Is it even real?

Ah, gotta love invalidating myself until I feel so guilty I feel sick. Great, so great.

Some of the thoughts I get a lot disgust me. I'm just so sick of myself. Sometimes I think about just breaking every internet friendship. Ruining everything. Just hurting people and messing with them. And then deleting everything that connects me to them.

It's sick. I don't want to intentionally hurt any friends I made. I don't want to severely hurt anyone that doesn't deserve it.

But yet I repeatedly think about how easy doing that would be.

I don't know, what if things were reversed? I could hurt people before they could hurt me more. I could leave people first before they do. Change the roles around.

Haha yeah, thought these things too. Bad things; bad thoughts. Bad person.

I also feel like most people are against me. People at school; people irl in general. Well, uhm, I also feel that people are against me on here. Meaning people hate me. And possibly start rumors about me (like at school, aaahh).

So I'm thinking about why I post so much. Be active online so much. Be so personal.

I don't know.

I don't know why I do this.

I must love making myself suffer on purpose.

Thoughts.

Haahaa.

Sorry.

butt erfly

Hi. It's 5 pm. Tragic.

I feel bad again. Ayy.

That feel when you understand the math homework, but your memory of the material blanks out completely when you take the quiz. Just when progress reports are coming out.

Guess who's a fail? I am. :))

That feel when it's the week of cramps, stomach pains, and headaches. And it's the day you have to starve (I mean fast).

Can't have water, can't have vitamins, can't have Advil.

Great. :))

That feel when you have two tests and two study guides you have to do for them on Thursday.

And three essays you have to do.

Ah, stress. How wonderful. :))

Suffering time it is.

Parents are mad too. Wow, man, gotta love life. Always gotta smile and pretend even though you really wanna cry and, well, yeah.

Sorry if I'm not on later. I'll be crying and hating myself over school stuff and my brain being stupid.

Can I ever be happy for longer than one week at a time before falling back down into the hole of despair? Of course not. :))

Pfft, hormones. Freaking hormones. How about rip them out instead? :))

Like that's even possible. Which it most likely isn't.

On a good note, I saw this pretty butterfly as I was walking home earlier today. I think it was a monarch butterfly, but I'm definitely no butterfly expert.

So I took a crappy picture of it.

I have to leave now. How unfortunate.

Bye.

whelp

The inconsistency in my posts is always real.

Ok so.. hmm...

I kept on laughing at that picture I took of my cat.

So funny.

I also have my new school picture up on my online grading site thing. And like. Seeing my picture made me laugh so much. Like, my dude, it was hilarious.

The pictures look so different. They're so far out and expose our necks and chins at odd angles. Yeah, they just look plain awful.

And me, well, I looked at my picture. And what did I think of? That I looked like I could create my own meme using that picture.

One of those depressing memes saying stuff such as, "I'm dead inside", "I'm ready to die", etc., etc.

Sad right, but it's true. There is no trace of happiness in my face. Yeah, I'm smiling but not happy. I look so empty. Empty at school all the time. Oh and my hair looks like a total mess like always.

It just screams ugly dead trash. That's me.

Yeah, um, that made me laugh.

Guess it could make sense because I really hate school. Haha.

I spoke in the discussion activity in a class today. Adrenaline and fear. Wow. Heart beating fast. Thoughts of shaking. What a thrill it is to be me.

I planned on sleeping most of Wednesday because of no school and that, uh, other thing. But no. Nooo, I have to study for two tests on Thursday. And complete both the classes' study guides. Looks like I'll have to study. Which makes less time for me to sleep the sad and frustrating day that is Wednesday away.

Oh yeah. Turns out my sister didn't take my blood pressure yesterday. So yeah. It's ok.

My arms don't hurt as much. Nothing's that unusual painwise right now. Just my regular ongoing body aches. Nothing special.

It's not that far into the school year, but I realized something.

I really do have no ideas for the future. No plans, no nothing.

Lots of students in my grade are setting up their lists for colleges they would like to apply to or at least visit for a tour.

I don't have any top *insert number like a 5 or 10 here* colleges I'm interested in.

I'm sorry I continue to say crap like this. Gah, if only I could shut off how my brain thinks things.

I'm scared of the future, the past haunts me, and I'm not comfortable living in the present as me now.

I'm just. Constantly worrying and hating myself when I'm not perfect (which of course is all the time). It's like the worrying and rushing to conclusions keeps me in check. Makes sure I do certain things.

The feeling hurts, but there isn't much I could do about it at this point. I feel more than ever now to just stop and not do anything. At least good and productive things. My motivation and willingness to do things is very low.

Haha.. uhm.. oops.

I also realized that I don't like writing and art as much as I thought I did.

I really don't like it that much. I'm honestly doubting that I'll actually end up majoring in an english major or art major.

I hate my writings, I hate my art, instead of improvement the quality is getting worse, I can't do it, I'm not motivated, I'm not interested.

Reality hit me in the face, and I realized I'm honestly not cut out to be that type of person.

I'm not serious about those things. Every drawing and every writing piece I do is a joke. I can't even write essays that fit my standards. And mine aren't even that harsh or all about being a perfectionist. I still can't successfully reach them and be proud of myself for very long.

I'm not nor ever have been passionate about becoming anything. Relating to career and future plans.

I have.. nothing. No career goals, no passion, no motivation for anything important. I always feel like I'm wasting my life. Like, what's the point? I don't know.

I want to fit in and not be such an ugly awkward fool.

Ugh, late night thoughts.

Take care. I don't know if there's even a real and unique purpose to stay alive; maybe the purpose is to find your own one. I'm still struggling to find mine, but I guess in the end it's okay.

Yeah, um, bye.

he is disgusted

At me and 2016.

Everyone's disgusted at me and this year though it isn't a surprise.

The insides of my arms (like at the elbows) have been hurting me all day. My friend-like person was talking about her period the other day. My arms were hurting, and now I'm on mine. Wtf why are my arms in so much pain? It's also great knowing I have to fast a day this week. Incredible timing. Just so incredible.

Me @ me: please die you're you

ples

Which he am I talking about? Why he is my cat.

I was at my school for 7 hours yesterday. 7 hours. On a Saturday. An atrocity.

I also tried these pea snacks. They tasted very awful. Don't eat them.

But it went ok. I guess.

The boxed water was pretty good. Water. In a box. Fascinating.

I'm hiding in my room away from my family because my sister suddenly came home this weekend and wants to take my blood pressure.

My mom just said, "S______, come downstairs! Don't say no, and let her take your blood pressure!"

Scary.

My wrists suddenly started hurting right now. Wow nice. I love talking about my pain and suffering on my blog on good old blogger dot com.

They're coming upstairs now. They're coming for me.

Oh and I have to go on Donald Trump's website for homework. I also started it in class. Then later in the day at school I got this Donald Trump ad. And I looked at the ad like, "wtf you doing here". Yep. True story.

Yeah and Hillary Clinton's website too. It's all about current events and the 2016 presidential election in history class. All about them politics.

Oh man, there's a debate tonight. Ooh, I should finish my history homework while it's on. Then my family might be like, "Wow, you're taking notes on this?" which I'll say, "Yeah".

This woman was very disappointed because I couldn't curl the string. It made me automatically feel like a talentless all-for-nothing pathetic excuse for a human being who can't do anything right. Oh boy wowie.

People irl think I don't care. But I do, man, I do.

So I unhealthily cope by drowning you all in my thoughts and feelings I hide from the people irl.

It's probably just another bad impulsive thing or whatever, but right now I'm really feeling it. (shoot, that Spongebob line started replaying in my head.. frick).

I'm thinking to either quit posting on this blog in 2017, delete the blog in 2017, quit posting and switch to a new blog that I won't reveal till a few months after in 2017, or draft a ton of posts I made on here in 2017.

I'm just. Tired.

Want to let it go. Let go of the past. Restart everything over or quit and not come back.

I'm just. Sick of myself. Making myself hurt on purpose. Feeling guilty and regretting nearly everything.

I just want. Freedom.

Ok cool now that that's over with, here's my old cat.

His face made me cry in joy.

Please validate and love him. Same for me. Don't be a creep though. Those aren't good.

Damn, this quote is so true with me. "Someone who becomes angry easily subconsciously desires to be loved." Yes, I'm easily angered. Yes, I'm lonely and desire to be loved. Please do even though I'm the human equivalent of a trashcan in the back corner of a room. I hate being ignored but always end up ignoring people. And if I'm with people for too long (even if we're not there in person), I will get very tired and want to leave very soon. I'm very introverted indeed. But I love feeling like I matter and am loved. Ok whatever.

Oh right. That boy. This cat though I swear--

Newest Drawings

Hello. ^-^

Yet again, I didn't make a post on Friday. Well, one of the drawings is for Friday. I spend the most time drawing stuff and watching Netflix (currently getting into Supernatural ;D) on Fridays. Other things happened too yesterday, so.. Anyway. Time for me to reveal my two most recent drawings from yesterday! 

Oh and if anyone's concerned about where I'll be, I'm gonna spend this morning (when it's morning time lol) and afternoon volunteering with my friend. So I won't be here then. 

So yeah. 

Here, look at my equally cute and gross drawings. 

This one is my Inktober drawing for day 7. The theme on the Inktober site thing I've been checking for the 7th is "lost", so here's my drawing of "lost". I drew the majority of this in school (see how I used lined paper which is basically school notebook paper). That yellow thing behind it is my main sketchbook. Again I used the same pen I use in school to draw this. The lighting at the top looks kinda weird though, oops. I'm terrible at drawing trees. Just a little boy with his Halloween candy walking in the woods. And when it gets dark, he gets lost. Poor kid. 

Haha, the second one though. Boi. 

I started (and finished for now at least lol) sketching this out an hour or two ago. Not sure yet but might change how some things are. The shirt sleeve is off of the right shoulder; the right hand is holding a peace sign downwards. Around the neck is a bat necklace. Being a cat (well, kinda) for Halloween. Hehe. 

The lines in my drawings always look shaky and uncertain. If you tell me you didn't notice that, I'll think you're lying. Oops, my bad. 

Yet at the same time, it's like everything I draw is cute. Like the drawings could be sad and violent (I also have some with partial nudity lol), and I still think they're somehow still cute. I don't even want them to be cute, they just end up that way. I bet it's how I draw the eyes. The basis for how I do at least since I slightly change how I draw eyes in my drawings all the time. 

I started drawing that character a lot, so expect more of them. 

Take care and goodnight. 

~ Cutepups 

Random Things (my brain)

This is gonna get real personal, real quick. :-)

Won't be discussing creepy stalker clowns this time. :-)

----------------------

1. The main reasons for the negative-ish posts the other day was because I always get negative when my nostrils hurt, and I was stressing over homework.

2. I'm such a procrastinator that so far this year I've done so much of my homework at 5 or 6 am the day it's due. (smh i'm such a bad influence)

3. I'm keeping touch with my, like, one irl friend so much more nowadays. I really like this.

4. My entire body was shaking immediately after I published that last post.

5. No one has complimented my crappy photos of Sunshine and the new dog stuffed animal. The dog stuffed animal is in my lap as I'm typing this.

6. I feel like I don't have anyone I could really share all this sad personal life stuff (but not too personal) to, so I logically decided to share it on my once AJ blog for strangers on the internet to see. Yet I'm paranoid that I'm being judged and ridiculed at behind my back even on here.

7. I also post a lot on here because I like that Attention and Validation. Not getting much of that as back in the older blogging days. Smh.

8. I have to go to a new (for me at least) dental place for the people there to look at my teeth. Next week. Heck.

9. I'm procrastinating on my homework right now. (bad influence am i)

10. I walked into my house this afternoon to see Thelma knock over this container of walnuts, and then she started running away at full speed after she leaped down from the counter. Then my dad called to me, "That's your cat" with what I replied with, "Mhmm yeah".

11. I remember how this summer I was posting about how I wasn't looking forward to school at all since I thought I was gonna lose my one friend. When actually we started talking to each other more often.

12. Did you know, haha yeah, that I love stuffed animals. I love them so much. My family doesn't like that I have so many of them and always up for having more of them. Stuffed animals are currently useful for me because they help me when I'm sad and are anxiety reducers. Sometimes my pets aren't good at being helpful in that way.

13. I have a headache now. Yay for body aches.

14. When I was 12 or 13 I drew fan-art for the Wolves of the Beyond book series. I think my drawings from back then are way better than my drawings today. I actually could draw good wolf anatomy back then. Sure I used the book covers and pictures in the books as references (not tracing though; I'm also probably the worst at tracing lol), but still. Those drawings were quality pencil art. Too bad I lost them.

15. I suddenly remembered the other day that I once read this dragon book series (were they dragons?) and the females refused to be called queens because king was a higher name in status than queen.

16. I also read another dragon book series. It's so good. I forgot the names of the books (same with the other series at number 15), but I think some of the books in the series are called Icefire and Eternalflame. Or I could be totally wrong. (Wait, guys, I just checked to make sure. The series is called The Last Dragon Chronicles. I loved reading this series so much, can't believe I forgot all about it till today.)

17. For fantasy books, I find it hard to put the books down. But for realistic and historical fiction, it has been so hard for me to continue reading. I still have some historical fiction books in my bookshelf that I never finished reading, books from 2011 or something. Many years ago, my mom forced me to read this 540+ page historical fiction book. I kept on wanting to quit reading it but I couldn't do that.

18. I just made myself start thinking about all past books I read. Books are pretty awesome. Well, some at least.

19. I bet none of you want to know what I have to do in gym class, but I'll tell you guys anyway. I have to walk around the outdoor track for 45 minutes and can't stop walking. So fun. Walking. In circles.

20. A few weeks ago there were these students my age who were talking about how they go to bed at 9:30. Meanwhile I'm over there nearby thinking to myself, "Wow, I usually go to bed between 11 and 12 and actually fall asleep an hour after that".

21. I was daydreaming that I took a selfie with the outfit I wore on Sunday, but I didn't have acne and random parts of my face bleeding. And I had my hair tied up making my hair look short. But it made me not look like a much older person. So then my daydream ended with me posting the selfie to this blog and getting this comment from an Anonymous person that just said, "so gay". Well then, my daydreams are weirdly specific.

22. I still have comment moderation on because bad things happened the last time I took it off, and I'm paranoid it will somehow happen again. I doubt it, but I also have the feeling that I'll forget to read and reply to comments if I take it off. With it on, I can make myself reply to the comments as soon as I publish them. Or, well, I just ignore checking the comment moderation notifications because I'm scared of reading comments. Me, the walking contradiction.

23. Yesterday I watched these My Brain YouTube videos, and I also daydreamed that I made my own one. So I was daydreaming about how there's this one large blob at the front of the brain which I labeled The Void. Next to it was Despair. And next to that were these blobs the same size called Anxiety and Depression. Then I paused and was like, "wtf stop it you edgelord". Then I started including glittery pink and blue and labeled a blob at the opposite end Cute. Yeah, that was also weirdly specific.

24. I was also talking about how much I missed people because my dumb brain decided to think about one of my best friends in middle school. Freshman year, I became distant between my friends from middle school. They're totally different now in high school, oh boy wowie. Then in sophomore year, she moved away. And now I've lost touch and contact with her. Ayy, memories. Great stuff. Now that's one reason I was sad last school year. I miss her. Heck.

25. I also am constantly missing several other best friends I had in middle school but lost in high school. (rip me rip)

26. Haha, that's why I started becoming so much more active on the internet and this blog. For people on the internet stumbling when finding my blog to become my friends even though I'm an awkward fool.

27. Oh yeah. Also that kinda family member that died in October 2014. I think those posts of mine were probably the first real sad posts I ever written. I was sad, ok. Still miss him, like, family things are so empty and blank now. Also because my siblings aren't home much anymore. Less people.

28. My memory can be either very good or very bad. I'm not sure on this one. Ok so I was one sad blogger kid last November and December. I'm not sure if I'm thinking totally different dates, but maybe it was then that some family cousins of mine (like second or third? cousins) from that foreign country were kidnapped. Or maybe it was February. Everyone else in my life seemed to be more happy and having a more interesting life than mine in November and December, which is one I know is true.

29. This December I won't be spamming you guys with New Year's Eve posts and then New Year's Day posts. I won't be able to with no internet. Heck yeah, gonna have a life then and be on vacation.

30. I have quite a few bad social memories from elementary school which include when classmates would tease and beg me to scream like they did, when I totally blanked out and forgot my dad's name, thought the word "hobo" was a swear word, when this girl bullied me at recess one day because I was too skinny and weird (still am though, not as skinny though, if I was I wouldn't be alive) and then lifted up a shoe and wanted me to lick the bottom of it (ah yes one of the many traumatic memories from my childhood :^}), and how I was so confused with doing this thing on the computer that the teacher I had got annoyed and mad at me because I didn't understand how to do anything. Oh, childhood.. sometimes I really freaking hate you :-). 

Wow, look at that. That's 30! 30 unnecessary facts about me! I love (absolutely love!!) talking all about my brain's random thoughts and strange memories to people on the internet who still view this miserable blog.

:-) :^) :-) :^)

Bye. ;^;

(forgot to put in the signature for a few posts now; bringing it back)

Doggos

And other stuff.

So, well, I can breathe through my nose again. Woo nice.

I've been feeling better as the day went on.

Haha, I'm on such a writer's and creativity block that I was stuck on essay planning and starting in my english class today. Early in the morning too.

There's a chance I could be volunteering with my friend and for the club we're in this weekend. Cool stuff.

Ugh, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

Why yes, me, reveal everything about your life on this blog.

Oh and yeah. The creepy clowns. Whelp, got more news to share with all you strangers on the internet.

1. My teacher (from a different class though) got an email and a phone call about the creepy clowns from her children's school district.

2. I heard about this upcoming IT clown horror movie, and the clowns in that look like the creepy clowns going around irl.

3. Lots of students in my school were talking about the clowns and then possibly hunting them down.

4. There supposedly has been this group of creepy clowns in my neighboring town.

5. My friend told me there was a group of creepy clowns somewhere in our own town in a housing development.

Uhhhh yeah. This thing sure is freaking ridiculous. Geez, this year never stops being bad lol. People are scared of trick or treating on Halloween now.

Yeah, the whole thing is wild. Wild story, dude.

So then fastforward to after school. Right ok. So my mom gives me this dog stuffed animal that suddenly came in the mail today. And now I have a new stuffed animal. That's a dog. Wow how cool.

I love stuffed animals. Forever and always. I love them. Yes ok yes.

Then I decided to take a picture of Sunshine (she my old doggo) with the stuffed animal. The pictures are so cute. I love dogs. They're the best.

♡ ♡ ♡