whelp

The inconsistency in my posts is always real.

Ok so.. hmm...

I kept on laughing at that picture I took of my cat.

So funny.

I also have my new school picture up on my online grading site thing. And like. Seeing my picture made me laugh so much. Like, my dude, it was hilarious.

The pictures look so different. They're so far out and expose our necks and chins at odd angles. Yeah, they just look plain awful.

And me, well, I looked at my picture. And what did I think of? That I looked like I could create my own meme using that picture.

One of those depressing memes saying stuff such as, "I'm dead inside", "I'm ready to die", etc., etc.

Sad right, but it's true. There is no trace of happiness in my face. Yeah, I'm smiling but not happy. I look so empty. Empty at school all the time. Oh and my hair looks like a total mess like always.

It just screams ugly dead trash. That's me.

Yeah, um, that made me laugh.

Guess it could make sense because I really hate school. Haha.

I spoke in the discussion activity in a class today. Adrenaline and fear. Wow. Heart beating fast. Thoughts of shaking. What a thrill it is to be me.

I planned on sleeping most of Wednesday because of no school and that, uh, other thing. But no. Nooo, I have to study for two tests on Thursday. And complete both the classes' study guides. Looks like I'll have to study. Which makes less time for me to sleep the sad and frustrating day that is Wednesday away.

Oh yeah. Turns out my sister didn't take my blood pressure yesterday. So yeah. It's ok.

My arms don't hurt as much. Nothing's that unusual painwise right now. Just my regular ongoing body aches. Nothing special.

It's not that far into the school year, but I realized something.

I really do have no ideas for the future. No plans, no nothing.

Lots of students in my grade are setting up their lists for colleges they would like to apply to or at least visit for a tour.

I don't have any top *insert number like a 5 or 10 here* colleges I'm interested in.

I'm sorry I continue to say crap like this. Gah, if only I could shut off how my brain thinks things.

I'm scared of the future, the past haunts me, and I'm not comfortable living in the present as me now.

I'm just. Constantly worrying and hating myself when I'm not perfect (which of course is all the time). It's like the worrying and rushing to conclusions keeps me in check. Makes sure I do certain things.

The feeling hurts, but there isn't much I could do about it at this point. I feel more than ever now to just stop and not do anything. At least good and productive things. My motivation and willingness to do things is very low.

Haha.. uhm.. oops.

I also realized that I don't like writing and art as much as I thought I did.

I really don't like it that much. I'm honestly doubting that I'll actually end up majoring in an english major or art major.

I hate my writings, I hate my art, instead of improvement the quality is getting worse, I can't do it, I'm not motivated, I'm not interested.

Reality hit me in the face, and I realized I'm honestly not cut out to be that type of person.

I'm not serious about those things. Every drawing and every writing piece I do is a joke. I can't even write essays that fit my standards. And mine aren't even that harsh or all about being a perfectionist. I still can't successfully reach them and be proud of myself for very long.

I'm not nor ever have been passionate about becoming anything. Relating to career and future plans.

I have.. nothing. No career goals, no passion, no motivation for anything important. I always feel like I'm wasting my life. Like, what's the point? I don't know.

I want to fit in and not be such an ugly awkward fool.

Ugh, late night thoughts.

Take care. I don't know if there's even a real and unique purpose to stay alive; maybe the purpose is to find your own one. I'm still struggling to find mine, but I guess in the end it's okay.

Yeah, um, bye.