ruining your self

I like that Google thing today. The ghost hunter game. It's pretty nice. Cute. Good job.

: )

I used to hate the song, Sail, when it first came out. Now I'm finally liking the song.

Nice.

I don't know, have a lyrics dump from a couple songs I keep on listening to.

Feelings. Fvck.

: )

"Maybe I should cry for help, maybe I should kill myself... Sail with me into the dark. (Sail!)" (sail)

"Today's homework is about me, with no individuality... Are we really fine, remaining as we are? Hey, what should I do? It doesn't matter anymore... As always, I can't solve yesterday's homework... Saying we want to disappear? Saying we want to die?" (lost one's weeping)

"I'll become what you like. This is what you wanted, right? Sacrifice all I know, I will teach myself to let go." (copycat)

"Falling asleep to these wicked dreams." (wicked)

"I never wanted this to happen, never wanted this to die. But I've pushed myself down so far, I couldn't come back if I tried." (fiction)

"All we do is hide away... All we do is live inside a cage... All I do is fail today." (all we do)

"I'd be lying if I told you I'm fine, but I lie. These thoughts I will never speak out loud... I'm drowning, I keep going down... I've gotta stop overthinking. I am drowning... and apathy. Will be the death of me.." (drowning)

"Please don't make any sudden moves, you don't know the half of the abuse... Got trust issues not to mention, they say they can smell your intentions... Watch it... I tried to warn you just to stay away." (heathens)

... what the fvck am i doing ...

: )

Don't get the wrong idea. I know I've been posting a bunch of drawings recently. Doesn't mean I don't hate my art anymore. Or even as much. I still hate my art (like, hmm, how it freaking looks) so much. I just post them because that's the best post idea I have.

Oh and don't get the idea that I'm happy and better. I'm sad again. Apathetic (irl at least, not too obvious online). Still sick. Right before Halloween. Won't get better tomorrow. Because of things in my life.

Ever feel so disgusted with yourself that you wish you could just tear your skin off because it feels like you're drowning in sweat underneath your skin?

No? Oh ok. Guess that's good. You're not as disgusted with yourself and feel uncomfortable as me then. Yeah, I'll shut up about this now. ..

Full of self-hate. Mm, that be me.

: )

I'm ruining my own life and my future. But. I can't bring myself to care.

Fantastic, isn't it? :"}

:"}

Dang, that be my face.

It's so hard to be positive all the time. How do people do it? It's hard to stop my mind from saying on repeat stuff like "you're a sad excuse of a human being and you don't deserve to live" already. And yet. Some people can make themselves be positive nearly all the time. Wow, what a concept.

Being different and taking a break isn't good advice for me. It. Doesn't. Help. God. Damn. It.

I'm supposed to care. But I don't. I've been told I'm useless and don't deserve help quite a few times this weekend alone. Pathetic excuse of a human. Not interested. No interests. Nothing left.

Bad at searching for colleges. What's the point? In anything? College visits, huh? Where am I interested in going? Don't know. I'm unhelpful. I'm useless. Interested in what? Passionate in what? Nothing at all.

I have a project to do. I don't care much about anything anymore. I could fail. I could ruin my life. I could destroy my future. And I'm too tired to care. I don't care.

It's bad. Very bad. I'm bad.

Can't bring myself to care.

fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck

When person first see me and what I can do, they set up expectations for me. And soon enough, they get thrown away. Soon enough they get to know how irresponsible I am. How much of a bad person I am.

It's no one's fault but mine. It's mine. It's all my fault. I've ruined myself and continue to. My fault.

No use to even bother with me.

There is no point.

In the past on here, there were so many people who were nice and tried to be a help. And what did I do? Push them away. Say bad replies back. Disregard them in the end.

Ruined my chances. Now there's no reason why anyone should come back.

Again and again. Time and time again. I keep on messing up. Never did the right thing even once.

I'm sorry. For how I've been.

I'm sorry. This isn't what you wanted of me. I'm only disappointing you. I've failed you. My current self is something you never wanted me to become.

Disappointing all those around me. In life. In death.

"When I grow up, I want to be nothing at all." (the end)

Nothing.

I can't find a single thing.

My siblings and peers keep on talking about their Halloween parties and trick-or-treating.

Not me. No celebrating for me. Nothing fun coming for me.

Gonna feel crappy again.

Whatever. I'm no fun, anyway.

Bad. > Ruins. Everything.

Good. > Fixes. Nothing.

: )

*coughs all over screen*

Bye.