uhm so ...

Hey guys. Here, have a post. Gonna be mostly complaining. Sorry about that.

I've been pretty busy these past few days. Tomorrow too. I don't have the time to post every day.. I'll go more into that later.

I won't draw things for Inktober every day. I still view myself as talentless, and yeah, I still hate my art. So I don't like drawing that much. And on top of that, I find it hard to get ideas on what to draw for Inktober. I'm also finishing (lol if I'll actually finish and post them) other drawings. So yeah.

Something good that happened recently was that I found out I have a bottle (?) of black nail polish. Not too long ago, I've started liking how black nail polish looks. I never thought there was black nail polish in my house, but apparently there is. So I put on the nail polish. Haha, that made me kinda happy.

I really like the outfit I wore last night. Heck, I looked less like a piece of crap.

I would've taken a photo of myself, but I have acne and currently a small cut on my forehead. Yeah guys, I woke up with a cut on my face. It's also so nice waking up another day with two or three cuts on my inner (?) forearm. Yeah, I'm a wreck.

So back to what I was saying. There actually are more reasons than "not enough time" for me not posting daily that much anymore. Like sure, I definitely don't have as much time as before. But, well, I don't really have that much to post about anymore. All my posts are boring because I don't have anything that's actually good to post about. If you view my posts, they are all either art posts or me rambling about things in my life. It's boring. I'm bored of it, but it's all I have at the moment.

About that, my blog just makes me sad now. I have such a limited amount of happiness left with this blog and probably blogging in general.

Ever since last December or earlier, I've basically turned this blog into crap where all I do is vent (except for the occasional positive posts). Seriously though, this entire year is made up of negative posts. I don't have anything good and positive to post about though. To, you know, type about long enough to turn it into a post.

This blog just makes me sad now. Guilty and sick too. I constantly pity myself (oh, haven't you noticed?) and invalidate myself. Most days than not I view myself as a liar. I can't help feeling so guilty.

About what? I don't even know how to fully explain it. Well, I guess I could give an example.

I feel like I constantly post stuff saying how I'm always so sad and never happy. But honestly, that isn't true. During the day, I usually don't feel like I'm drowning in negative emotions. But at night, I do. And even more on days when I type posts. I still have feelings. I can still feel happiness. I can still laugh and mean it. I can smile. I can get out of bed without instantly falling asleep again. The truth is that on most days happiness doesn't really feel like legit complete happiness. It's just me getting by. Sadness and negativity, however, seem more intense and larger than happiness and positivity. I'm more sad and negative, but at the same time I can still be happy and positive. The positive emotions feel more like bs at this point because I only feel genuine positivity for only a few days before feeling unhappy and all those negative stuff again.

Ugh, it's hard to put into words. Hopefully, you'll get what I mean. Probably not entirely though.

I feel sad too. I keep on thinking about back in the day when people would comment regularly as well as post on their blogs. But now, it's like everyone from back then is gone. They don't blog anymore. Heck, they don't even have their blogs anymore. They deleted.. how many?.. one, two, at least three people. I hate how the people who made me feel the happiest about blogging are the ones that are practically gone forever now.

I should move on. But, ok, it's so hard to move on. It's hard to be happy and lively with new people. What's the point of making new friends? All I know is that almost all (pretty much all at this point) friends are gone now. There are so many people who I've considered my closest friends. And now I can't communicate with more than half of them anymore. Some of them aren't here anymore. They're in different places; we're in different places. Things have changed; people change.

I miss so many people. So many (past) friends. One main fear I have is a fear of abandonment. It's a fact that everyone leaves. Everyone leaves in the end. What's the point of making new friendships if you're well damn aware of that they're going to go away where you can't be with them again one day? I really don't know the point anymore.

What am I? A "friend" to pity me? To feel sorry for me? Is that all I am to people?

Does no one understand I can't just go up to people and make friends? I can not do that. Stop telling me to. They're going to drift apart from me and leave me. I know that. It keeps on happening.

I miss people that can't and won't come back. It hurts having barely anyone left.

I feel guilty about the past. My past. What I've done. I sometimes think of deleting and ragequitting everything because I feel like I screwed up everything. I want to be unknown again. A stranger again.

But I can't. I can't undo and erase all the things I've done. I can't at this point.

Everyone basically left, so barely anyone would notice or care anyways.

Sorry....

My allergies have gotten a lot worse. I didn't sleep much at all last night and this morning. I can't breathe that well right now.

I'm tired. Bye.