Him! and my life too

... I almost titled this post "Him and I" but then I didn't. 

That's a song, right? lmao. 

I write about my new-ish playlists a lot. I know I do. It's just that, wow, I love them. 

For today's after midnight post, all I have to say is... 

The songs in the DUKE + Fierdan playlist really just Do That. They remind me of their entire character(s)- from the beginning and into the future (like what would be considered future story concepts). 

Like ok, here's the thing. Some of the songs remind me of story ideas I have involving Fierdan/Danny in a second and third story (stories?). 

I'm just listening to some of the songs and thinking to myself about how spoiler-y they are. 

Also I literally just thought of this. (.. uh what-)

If for some reason anyone thinks that Fierdan at any point of his life was weak/pitiful/idk,-anything-like-that, then that someone is wrong and fails to understand this character of mine. Sure, everything of quality is in my head and not necessarily in a written chapter yet. But hey :) *ahem* he ain't actually weak or pitiful. like.. ever. 

Oh and if anyone thinks Fierdan is "soft" or something along the lines of Fierdan being calmer, quieter, or a more rational person than Duke is (was* for story 2+ concepts), then.. yeah, you assumed wrong. Fierdan is just as much a loud wreck of a human being who does impulsive and irrational things. And yes. Fierdan screams. A lot. Yeah.

Ryen generally is less impulsive and "loud" (? I don't necessarily mean something about screams, idk how to word it better right now), but he also can be destructive. He can also create messes. He can also scream. 

Ryen and Fierdan have plenty of things they don't have in common, but how they break down or lash out is kinda.. pretty similar. 

I love to make myself suffer by thinking of the parallels between their two POVs in Chapter 76. Dang, what a weird brother duo. They don't know how to act "normal" and yes I know that is subjective. :') 

......... ok. I'll admit it. I have an "edgy" art idea. But this time the character in it is Ryen. Not Duke or Fierdan- Ryen. I want to draw "edgy" Ryen art. 

Oh and I wanted to draw this (skit) scene for so long. But I'm struggling to find the time to draw it. Plus, I know it'll be very hard to draw. 

(ohohohohohohohoppphphphpoppopp) 

J: *only responds by lowering his back closer to the bed and not the pillows, raises his arms to wrap around Fierdan's upper to mid back, then raises his face to be very close to Fierdan's, whispers* Then don't leave me. 

Fierdan: *speaks much quieter as well* I won't. I'll never let you suffer by sleeping in a cold and empty bed ever again. 

J: *leans in to kiss Fierdan on the mouth, their lips touch* 

Fierdan: *deepens their kiss, goes fully on top of the bed* 

mmmmm yes boi ;) <3 ;) 

Dang, I wish I could accurately draw this scene. I don't even know what clothes Fierdan is wearing, but I want to draw him in this scene so badly. 

It's hard to find time to draw. Sure, I don't do anything related to my classes (college lol) 24/7. But to draw, I have to be In The Mood and have Enough Energy to do so. If I don't, then I can't draw. Which sucks because I want to draw a lot of things. 

And like. Hey. College is tough. So.. yeah. 

So.. about me. Well...

Wednesday 2/27 was a good day. I felt something close to genuine happiness. I feel good. I feel quite alright. 

Yep. :) 

Oh, one more thing. 

If I don't post as much, it's either because (a) I forgot to post, (b) college work is keeping me busy, (c) I lost the motivation to create the posts. 

That's mainly it. Ha, ha... yeah. 

I'm trying to be "more involved" on campus. Might just go ahead and join an organization. :) 

..... I'm tired of being lonely. Ha, ha... I like the concept of having (more) friends. 

Thanks. :-) 

That's all I'll share for now. If I want to put down more details about vaguely personal life things, then I'll do that later and in another post. 

I started to miss writing personal posts that had nothing to do with my characters. 

But a large chunk of my fool brain is full of my thoughts and feelings about my characters. 

So, well, yeah. Yeah. 

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

oh huh i'm posting now

Oh huh, I'm posting now. I am posting. Wow. 

I didn't plan this. But ok. 

For nearly the past hour, I've been putting more songs in my Duke and Fierdan music playlist. 

And I found songs.. and and and...

I found at least one that reminds me a lot of the lovely : ) father/brother relationship that Fierdan has with Z and Ryen. 

I have at least two songs that I can put in a playlist themed around Ryen. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. 

The last 20-ish songs of my Duke and Fierdan playlist are making me strongly feel.. emotions. Oh geez, I'm getting thoughts. 

Hhhhhrrrffffrfrfghhhhfffffghhgghgghhhghh

Also... 

Dawn really looks nothing like any of them. She doesn't look like Stella (oh sorry, I mean Twinkle). She doesn't look like Ryen, and she doesn't look like Fierdan. 

Like.. pretty damn different. 

Their childhood (I mean Ryen, Fierdan, Dawn) legit makes me cry. They're all so cute. Even grumpy Ryen is cute. I love them all. They're my hecking kids. 

Pre-Fierdan Danny and Dawn are... god, I love them so much. They're so sweet. Their little kid faces, their smiles, their voices (when they're happy),,,, hhhh <3 <3. 

Little kid Danny and Fierdan in his late teens. Just.. wow. What a difference. This guy goes through so much. 

From cute and human angel to violent and human devil. I mean.. oppposites. Fierdan really has it all. 

Teenage Fierdan gives me so much pain. I could cry. That's not normal puberty, boy. :'( 

Oh lol. The other day, I was thinking of Fierdan signing his name (in cursive, his signature). And that got me thinking. 

In "Fierdan", his name is really just the "dan" part. So what if he's a fan of only using lowercase letters. And so, he writes and signs his name(s) as dan, danny, and daniel. 

Because like. Hey. It's not like his name is FierDan. That looks weird. I don't like that. Why is there a capital letter in the middle of the word? That's not right. It's Fierdan. The "Fier" is an adjective of the noun, "dan", which is the actual name part of "Fierdan".. uh yeah lol. 

And then I was imagining Fierdan signing his name, and I thought even that looked beautiful. 

(Damn it, Cutepups. You think everything about Fierdan is beautiful, huh?)

Haha. Ha ha. Pretty much.. yeah. 

Especially the part when he finishes writing all the letters and goes back to dot the 'i'. 

Ok hear me out. Just imagine Fierdan dotting the 'i' with a teeny tiny flame he quickly draws. That's cute. I think that's very cute. 

Ok, it's not like he would do that every time he writes his name. It's just a sometimes thing.

Ah... :') 

My eyes want to remain shut. It's time for sleep. 

Good night. 

~ Cutepups 

sorry uh... Dawn

Sorry, forgot to post again. lol. 

As Saturday went on, I got more lonely and sad. So.. yeah, I didn't feel like posting. Sorry. 

I started feeling very sad and lonely again. (oh no) 

........ but I did have several new art ideas! :D

Did I draw them? No. :( 

Creating the playlists helps me connect to my characters. I'm connecting with my girl, Dawn. 

... wow, her playlist is different from the other two. 

I also want to create Ryen and Ardere playlists at some point. Do I know what songs to put in their playlists? Nope, but I sure do want to create playlists for them. 

...... eww, all of my weekends here are so unproductive. like.. what am I even doing with my time? idk. nothing. 

I now want to draw:

• Dawn

• Ryen

(Both of them in a few poses)

• A picture with Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn together (the trio!)

• A picture with Twinkle, Duke (or Fierdan/Danny- idk) and Dawn together (the other trio!) 

• J boi (also in a bunch of poses) 

Yeah. 

*insert better transition here because I'm too lazy* 

I was looking for the last time I posted a colored drawing of Dawn. 

And I.. I think this was the last time I drew Dawn? Maybe? 

(my not-even-that-old art. ugh why. gosh.) 

The last time I drew Dawn? idk I'm too lazy to check further

I don't imagine her looking like that lmao. The anatomy gave me a frighten. 

Her too thin neck and arms. Her big eyes. How I drew her hair, for crying out loud. It all looks very wrong. I don't like it. >:/ 

Wait. It's not even a full-body. I didn't draw her legs. ... I want to draw her legs lol. 

.... oh, oh! Dawn. That's like a middle-aged woman's name from my experiences with people named Dawn irl. But like. My character, Dawn, is one of the younger ones. She's my best girl, green theme child. She's not a middle-aged woman. She's supposed to be like 16 or 17 lol. Dawn is younger than Duke (and Fierdan too of course) and Twinkle. 

But then again. Her wisdom or whatever makes her seem like she is a little (or a lot, lmao) older. 

I have some suspicious-ish art ideas for Ryen. I don't like any of my previous drawings of him. I kept on drawing his head too big. Like yeah ok, he is very very intelligent, but that doesn't mean you have to draw his head so much bigger than every other character's (@ me). 

........ Ugh, why does it have to be Monday again? That means classes and that means assignments and readings and work. (ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, woe is me) 

I swear, I was going to post about Duke's/Fierdan's eyes this weekend. But then The Sads & Other Bad Feels suddenly attacked me. I'm still in that. I'm sad lol. 

Sorry but I'm not going to make it a big fancy formal post. I'm just going to say some things and hopefully provide some links. 

Well, that's it. I'm gonna head off now. 

~ Cutepups 

Dawn music playlist !!

Hi, I'm back! :)

... no judgmental comments on the last post? really? huh..
You better have read it. Please--

. . . . . . . . . . .

Yeah, I've been busy with college stuff. Things are getting harder now. :c

I might make more posts later. Well, if I remember to. Haha, ha, ha... uh ok.

Anyway, about my --

*roommate suddenly enters the room*
me: uh ahh
me: *loses my train of thought*

Anyway, about my existence comic...

(hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaafuc-)

The night I finished making mine I was pretty confident with it. But then in class, that all slipped away.

Me? Creative? Nah (ahhhhhh).

... damn. my roommate comes into the room, and my thoughts just all disappear. huh. :/

Why is everyone else's so creative and story-like and cute? While mine is.. idk, garbage? It's just me talking. The beginning of mine is a little funny though. For me it is.

...... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyy

*on stand-by*

*2 minutes later*

Oh yeah lmao.

I created a Spotify playlist for Dawn. I love her. I haven't talked about her in a while. But like, hey, I love her so much. <3

It's not as long as the other two playlists, but it's still a few hours long. (I added more songs to the other playlists too, haha.)

It's different from Duke/Fierdan's and Twinkle's playlists. I get a different vibe with Dawn's. I feel like she would listen to different music than them. But still with some songs in common with them. Just not as much. (yeah idk. I don't think before I type..)

The songs I'm including in Dawn's playlist are songs that either remind me of her.. or are songs I imagine her listening to.

It's not as easy for me as adding songs to Duke/Fierdan's playlist. It's the easiest for me to think of songs that can relate to them. (as you can probably tell since their playlist is 200+ songs long lol)

... yes, there are songs marked as explicit in Dawn's playlist. Because.. that's how it is. ok? ok.

I'm not including any songs that remind me of my cursed original story plans involving her. I don't like my original plans for Dawn. Including what I wrote in chapters from 2015. It's just.. yeah.. no thanks, too cursed and filthy for me.

... also, wow, I haven't drawn Dawn in forever. I really should draw her again. My last drawing of her is so ugly and the anatomy is terrible. You deserve to see a picture of her that's how I imagine her now.

me: *stumbles across instrumental songs that have "Dawn" in the titles*
me: ooh yes <3
me: *adds them to Dawn's playlist just because of that*
me: :D

Lately, I've been imagining Dawn as being a more positive and hopeful person than Twinkle. Yeah uh.. yep.

Just listen to my playlists. Thanks. :)

Ok here's the link. Enjoy! <3

Cutepups playlist for Dawn

Dawn! <3

I associate Dawn with the earth. So what if 'dawn' is related to sunlight/the sunrise? I'll do what I want. Thanks. :-)

.... ok I can't think because some-people-here-are-being-loud/////:/.

I will make that post! I will! I swear I will!

'Later.

putting it all in one post

Hi. :)

I realized that I've been procrastinating on actually posting some of my post ideas I've had for quite a while. 

It's after midnight in Cutepups time zone. Do you know what that means? It means long blog post time! (yeet!!)

Please read. If you read this whole long post, then I'll love you (my blog viewer friend). 

Warning for violence, character death, and explicit language. Not in the beginning though. (... heh.) 

---------------------

This is one of my points not related to my skit or story writing. 

Ok so lol. 

The other day, I went with my parents to visit my grandma at the rehab center. We did that pretty often, but we visited her later in the day than usual. 

(She currently just lives there. Ok.) 

So this time when we were all talking, one of the things she said was something like "*my name* likes drawing" or something else related to me and drawing. 

And ok can I just say? That kinda brightened my day. Like?? She remembers that I drew a lot as a kid?? 

(Aaaahhhhh ;~; <3 !!!) 

Then she asked if I still draw, and I was like "yeah, I sometimes do. in my free time." and yeah ahh.

(I'm saying "was like" because I forgot the exact wording/phrasing. oh no, my memory is awful. plot twist @ the fam: it's actually me with the memory issues. anyway, I am a void of a human being.) 

See guys? I'm an artist. I draw.. stuff. Yes. :•) 

-x-x- 

Oh shoot, I remember another thing not related to my characters. Yay! 

Ok so.. hey ;) do ;) you ;) know ;) what ;) time ;) it ;) is? 

It's.. it's......

It's Aromantic (Spec) Awareness Week!!! 

(YEET!!) 

I would (could) be at my most powerful, but college is bringing me down. I have to go back and do academic work there? Ugh, what is this? Life responsibilities? *smh* 

Anyway, I'm aro. I identify as an aro fool. Aromantic and Fool are two of my identities. I identify as such. 

(yeah yeah. I know it's ironic that I keep on thinking about the romantic aspects of my story and that there even is romance in it at all, considering I don't know what romantic attraction and relationships are like personally.. but hey, I am a fool after all. I might not want to be involved in this thing called romance, but that doesn't mean I can't try to write romance in my cursed story writing. the same can be said about sex. Fictional and personal are different things. Yes.) 

Sometimes, I try to deny it. And what does that do? It only comes back around like, " nah fool, you're aro!" and that's just how it is. 

But man.. my cursed brain loves soaking in all those steamy spicy -fiery- details ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) about my (and only my) characters. 

A Romantic aro, if you will. Hey, the Romantic art period.. that's good. Romanticism. Is that what it's called? 

Anyway, it's AAW! Wahoo! (hell yeah!!) 

-x-x- 

I don't think you guys know how much I desperately want to write and finish writing the next story chapter. I have even more ideas for Chapter 76 now. 

If I don't write it soon, I might as well explode. :-) 

But do I actually have time to? No! I don't! 

(Thanks, @ college and life responsibilities.) 

When I come back to college later today, I'll have to worry about the essays I'll have to write, the tests I'll have to take, and the comic about existence I'll have to make during the week. 

I have to create a comic about existence. :'( 

((fuck..))

*goes into another existential crisis*

((Fuck!!)) 

-x-x- 

Ok lol now onto my characters. First thing first- the next skit story! 

I plan on making the next one be about Duke's progress at The Help. Sure, he and Fierdan were in a different reality or something the last time I wrote skits with them at Help, but Duke is continuing on with his Help journey anyways because I said so. 

Like idk.. Ryen can pick up Duke and Fierdan from their Help sessions. idk. Ryen is there now. He's a guy who exists. 

Duke and recovery is such a foreign concept to me. I don't know if I'm able to make Duke *gasp* go on the road to recovery? Duke and happiness? Excuse me- what?! What the heck?! Aaahhh!!!! 

I just want to write one skit story where he's all chill (and not dead) and okay. Duke deserves to be okay. He needs a break from all the plans I have involving him. 

Haha, I think when I'm not writing or in the middle of writing a skit story, all of my characters in the skits are relaxing. That includes Duke and Fierdan. I like to think that they're only dramatic assholes when I write the skits. And when I'm not, they're.. they've calmed down. They're doing okay. They're just chilling and functioning the best they can. 

This was so random, but I got a thought the other day. (omg no way!) 

I was just staring blankly at the bathroom mirror, and thought that if Duke wasn't a traumatized impulsive fiery disaster, that he.. he... 

(hehe XD) 

That he would be a comedian. 

(oh god why) 

You know what? If Duke's life wasn't like That, he could totally be a comedian. I can see him doing standup comedy in some dimension out there somewhere. 

Have you seen those old skits? Duke is hilarious. :'D 

@ Duke: If you didn't turn into the physical human form of corruption and die, then you could've become a great comedian. You could be an amazing rock singer and writer, and you could also be a comedian in any spare time you didn't spend writing and singing your own songs. 

Pfft. :/ lmao. 

Yes, Duke becomes the physical human form of corruption. 

Damn it, Duke. Why are you like this? Being a corrupt monster isn't very nice. :( 

-x-x- 

Demonic Duke is terrifying. He's a scary boy, that fella. 

I still have to work out a ton of things, but Duke at that part of the story is crazy strong and crazy smart and just, well, crazy. He's a crazy fella, that Duke. 

I'm a fool so it's hard for me, but I think of Duke being very, very clever during and especially towards the end of his torture arc. He's scary smart. 

He'll outwit me, he'll outwit you, he'll out everyone's wits. 

*cough* Taurel. *cough* 

I recently thought of this Duke quote that I like and might use:

"You were so close ... but your plan is flawed." 

(There are more words in the ellipsis, but I don't know what they are yet.)

I can hear Duke's voice at the end of the torture arc, and it haunts me. That boy does not sound human. Just his voice alone is scary. 

He sounds like a carnivorous predator. Because he is one. Ha, ha... whatthefuck. 

One vivid picture I have at the end of the torture arc is bloody-faced Duke. There's blood dripping out of his mouth, and it goes down to his chin and the front of his neck. His lips are stained red. He has an evil grin on his face. When he opens his mouth, more blood pours out and some of his teeth are stained red. Whose blood is it? It's both Taurel's and his own. And he has such a cold glare in his eyes. It looks deadly. If you see someone with that look in their eyes, you better run. And on top of that, one of his eyes is a black void that he can't see out of. Even that eye has that deadly glare. His eyes look freezing cold, but his irises (or, well, iris) look (looks) like fire. Just looking at his eyes could mess someone up. 

Duke is a fucking badass. (mm boi) 

I can also hear his manic laughter, and it makes me feel fear. Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid. 

Hearing him laugh at the end of the torture arc also brings me close to tears. It's just so sad, you guys. Everything is so sad. Everything about Duke is sad, and I could cry about this and this alone. 

... that's what he gets for being the puppet of melancholy. 

Huh? What? 

Yeah. 

-x-x- 

A lot of the songs in the two character themed music playlists I have up are about spoilers. The songs are about scenes I didn't officially write yet. 

I have plenty that remind me of the wonderful time that Duke and Taurel spend together. :') 

Such as "Run" by AWOLNATION and "Can You See The Red" by Dead by April. :^) 

*cough, cough* 

About the songs in the playlists now: (well.. kind of) 

I put "People Like Us" by Kelly Clarkson as one of the first songs in the playlists because I think it was the first song that reminded me of Duke and Twinkle. The first song that connected them. 

Just because I have a song in both playlists doesn't mean it's about them together. Not all of the songs are DukeXTwinkle songs. It's just that some songs remind me of both of them- but in different ways under different circumstances. 

And like.. some of the songs remind me of Fierdan/Post-Fierdan a lot more than Duke. For example, the IAMX songs I put in the playlist. 

Oh, oh! "No Place Like You" by Thousand Below reminds me of Danny/Fierdan and J in stories 2 and 3, and it makes me very emotional. This song reminds me more of Fierdan's relationship than Duke's with Twinkle's. And if I were to connect it to Duke, it would be about him and Finny. 

Geez, this song just really reminds me of Fierdan. I can kinda imagine him singing it when he's all alone and thinking he's singing it to J when he's obviously not there. Fierdan definitely has J on his mind. I think of it being after they separated (broke up) but at the same time, after they came back together (relationship-wise). 

I seriously can't decide on what J's real name is. I think that he could have the alias of "Jack" but I can't see it as being his real name/the name he uses personally. Like when he and Fierdan are spending nights in a room by themselves, I just can't see Fierdan calling him "Jack" because that isn't personal enough. And oh do they get personal. They become very close, that's for sure. 

Why "Jack" you might be asking? Well, it's because...

Jack --> jack --> joker --> the fact that he has the power to create illusions (and is like the only one who is lighthearted and cheerful enough to crack a joke now and then) like Fierdan has the power to create fire. 

I don't think Jack is his real name though. At one point, I considered it being Jaxin but I don't like it anymore. 

J and his jinxes and jacks. (In story 1, one of the names he goes by is Jinx. The other is Jax.) 

Holy shit, I love him. 

Fun fact: I originally planned on making J (story 2) and Jinx/Jax (story 1) two completely different characters. And I first intended on making Jinx/Jax evil and enemies of the protagonists (aka Twinkle, Duke, Dawn, Ardere, etc.). Now that idea is so foreign to me. Jinx/Jax are not evil at all. They're so good. J is epic, ok. 

J gives Duke hope that he can escape that torture hellhole he's been trapped in for around a week. J brings some humanity and rationality back to Duke. Like idk, "hey, instead of doing whatever the fuck you are doing to Taurel, let's leave this place together." And then Duke breaks out of his sadistic state and is just like, "oh.. yeah." 

Then after that happens, J helps Duke calm down and get cleaned up. Duke doesn't know who J is, so he feels no hatred for him. He just feels neutral towards him. He only attacks Risak and Taurel because he has a very strong and deep hatred for them. Duke hates those two to his core. He simply can't hate J as much as he hates them. 

When J comes into the scene, Duke is in a haze for the most part. It's kind of like Duke being drunk, but he's not. 

(Wow, this went far away from being about music, huh.) 

Well, back to that. Creating the playlist made me realize something. (lol) 

I could totally imagine Duke and Fierdan listening to a lot of Bring Me The Horizon and Dead by April. Geez, I have plenty of songs by those two in their themed playlist. 

Haha.. oh yes. Yes. :) 

Back to talking about J and Duke. (lol) 

J could have been like, "hell no, I'm not saving this fucked up boy! not today, satan!" and run out of that place before Duke could notice him. If J didn't speak up, I don't think Duke would've even noticed that J was there. J could've left, but he didn't. He wanted Duke (a very fucked up Duke, I have to say) to notice him. Damn, that's brave. 

Ok so maybe I'm so sad about Duke during this part of the story because from then to the end of the story, Duke really only has two emotions. He is only capable of feeling anger and apathy. 

Ok, maybe one emotion. And that emotion is anger. Or, in other words, rage or fury. 

Does Duke ever feel joy or happiness again? No. Does he feel sadness? No. He only feels anger or rage.. or nothing at all. 

If he's not snapping at people or yelling, he's probably deep in that apathy. 

Ok, maybe it's not exactly apathy. In other words, it would be (emotional) emptiness or numbness. Eh whatever, that reminds me of apathy. Good enough. 

So no lol. Duke doesn't remain a vicious monster out for blood and breaking his and other people's bodies. :'D,,

... uhhhhhh--

When Finny dies, Duke doesn't exactly feel sadness. He just feels.. nothing. Duke is too broken to properly feel anything. Emotionally and physically too. But that doesn't mean that Finny's death doesn't break Duke even further. Because it sure does. 

And by that point, Duke can't even feel anger anymore. If he had any functioning emotions left, he would be violently sobbing and screaming when he finds out that Finny died. But Duke doesn't; he just can't. He's not intentionally being an asshole; he literally can not feel any human emotion. Because guess what? He's not human anymore. He's more like a dying vessel that's only kept together because of a demon (aka Soulless). 

But, but! Just because I could be breaking my heart over Duke, it doesn't mean I'm not mad at him. Because like.. he frustrates me. Even after the torture arc, he's an asshole. He snaps and yells at the others (Twinkle, Dawn, Fierdan). He isn't that nice. He says rude things. Duke causes drama and is the result of it. 

Petty anger over no one he knew breaking in and helping him escape from a very secure and locked place where he was kept hostage.. yeah, that's a lot less severe than the full-on rage he felt coursing through his body when he wanted to destroy Taurel. 

Oh and even if Duke didn't literally lose his humanity, then he also could not show obvious sadness because he's severely traumatized. The last time he was emotional over a friend's death, it resulted in him being taken hostage and tortured for around a week. Yeah uh.. I don't think Duke wants that to happen again. If Duke shows emotions, he might think that could happen to him again. 

;-; </3 ouch,, 

Dang, it's getting late. I could write about more things, but I feel like I better end this post now. 

If you read everything I said, congratulations. :) 

Until next time on my cursed blog...

~ Cutepups 

hey lol hi

... I give up on good quality titles for these kinds of posts.

 Yes, hi. Let's talk. :) 

At first, I thought I would make another (less violent? pfft) post on the 14th. Something more happy-lovey-sappy. Yeah.. that wasn't the case. 

I was busy (*cough* writing essays *cough*) and I was too tired to post at night. 

Then there's Friday. I was very busy and too tired to create a post when I finally got a chance to. 

I have Monday and Tuesday off (no classes). I went home yesterday (Friday), and that took a few hours. So I get to spend this weekend at home. Right now, Thelma (that little punk tuxedo cat whom I love <3) is sleeping on my bed. She misses being in my room when I'm away. I let her stay in my room when I'm home. So yeah, I went home because I have a long weekend. :') 

Anyway, I have to say something. I just gotta tell you guys. 

I don't fully plan the entirety of my posts (except story/skit and poem posts.. for the most part). I'm not a person who really plans things out. I just get an idea or ideas stuck in my head, and base my posts off that. Whatever is on my mind is what I'll post about. 

I think this is called doing a free-write? Free-writing? idk. That's how I roll. 

I'm taking a creative writing class this semester. And wow, my one beginning paper was such a free-write. I quickly type my papers, but geez.. that one I wrote.. it has style. Good stuff. (... I forgot what I was saying here lol oops). 

The word isn't actually "free-write" I forgot the actual word. Dang it. :/ 

I'm just typing garbage. That's what this blog is. :) 

Do I pause and think before I start typing? Haha yeah.. No. 

I'm not an organized blogger. I think of my blogging style being more like online journaling. I feel more satisfaction writing about my life in blog posts than in a journal. I crave attention and validation.. from people who don't know/haven't met me irl. 

Ah.. :') 

When I started writing the previous post, I wasn't planning on swearing in it. Then one thing led to another.. and yeah, my mind was like *full of explicits* because I was thinking more about Duke. 

(Ahaha! That boy! What a kid! He's terrifying! ^-^')

Oh shoot, I got an idea! (lmao) 

Other People: *can't stop thinking about their crush or some other type of romantic garbage* 

Me: *can't stop thinking about my characters- especially Duke* 

Other People: *casually walk around listening to new pop songs* 

Me: *casually walking to/from classes, in the city, uh.. in my room listening to my character playlists- many times with stuff like "kill everyone!" "break your face!" "die!" screaming in my ears* 

Other People: *want their characters to be happy or at least get happy endings*

Me: :^) well...... 

aaaahhh asdfghjkl ,, me. 

Anyway, I spent the day thinking. You know what? The voice actors for my characters have to be.. talented. I just can't do that. I can't voice my characters. I'm not talented enough. 

Especially for Duke's voice and Fierdan's voice. Like ok.. damn son. Heck me up. 

Because they sure do scream/shout/shriek/yell a lot. And in such a way that you (well, me. I can) hear their intense pain just by their voices alone. 

Ugh, it's frustrating that I don't have any particular people I can use as reference for their voices to show you guys. I have such a vivid idea for what Duke and Fierdan's voices sound like. I can hear them in my mind, but I can't properly tell others what their voices are like. It frustrates me greatly. :( 

To be a Duke or Fierdan voice actor, you will have to be a qualified screamer and be willing to have your throat (and vocal cords? idk how this stuff works) ache. :-) 

I'm just thinking about how much they scream (and the similar ^^) and they do that a lot. Gosh, their voices. It even makes my own throat hurt. 

Oh and the same applies for Ryen and Twinkle. Maybe Dawn as well. Their voices also get.. painfully loud. Not as often as Duke's and Fierdan's, but they still scream intensely on a few occasions. 

Haha, remember that one time I wrote a chapter or two with Duke screaming for a long time without stopping and his throat hurt afterwards? Ahh.. 

I think of Fierdan's (calm-ish) talking voice being much softer (quieter) than Duke's and idk how else to describe it but as smooth. A smooth voice? Uh yeah sure, whatever the hell that means. And his voice also sounds equally comforting and chilling. Gosh, I love Fierdan's voice. Damn. 

And then there's Fierdan when he's being very emotional. I'm not just thinking about story 1. Just.. his voice in general. It's just so beautiful? ok. 

When he's very emotional (anger, panic, despair, rage, sadness.. stuff like that), he gets a lot louder. It's like "nope! this guy might have a sweet-eerie soft casual talking voice, but he sure can speak very loudly if he wants to" ... haha. 

Yeah uhhh....... his voice? hot. mm omg. 

Fierdan's voice during his angry outbursts. Fierdan's voice when he breaks down panicking. Damn! I love it! So much! 

<3 <3 <3 

I could ramble some more, but I'm gonna end the post here. 

Bye for now. ;D

~ Cutepups 

ahh gotta love them

Why love? Because it's Valentine's Day. Love who? My characters, of course (pfft). ;D 

I really want to make a post where I ramble about Twinkle and Duke. My heart is full of love for them. 

I just.. gahhhh --

ahhhhhhhhh. 

(calm down, weird blogger person.) 

Instead of working on my essays I have due soon, I spent the last few hours adding songs to my Twinkle music playlist. I added many songs. I'm getting attached to her playlist. I might even like it as much as I like the Duke and Fierdan playlist. 

These songs? Are just? So good? I feel blessed? 

(Oh heck yeah, they are. I sure am blessed that songs like these exist.) 

I am story trash. If I'm not thinking of concentrating in my classes and doing the assignments I have to do, or if I'm not paying for food, then there's a high chance I'm thinking of my story ideas and characters. I might be obsessed. Haha, ahaha, ha ahh. 

Oh, I want to copy and paste what I put in the last post to here. Because I want to emphasize the point I made and make sure you people read it. 

-x-x-

I write their names as Duke and Twinkle (well yeah, obviously). But I don't really refer to them by those names in my head. Duke and Twinkle are just nicknames they have. They aren't their "real" or "true" names. 

It's funny. I haven't even come up with Duke's full name (no, it's not Duke Fierdan), but I read "Duke" as being a quick way to write his actual name. 

I titled the playlist "DUKE + Fierdan" because Duke is supposed to be an abbreviation of 4 words (a 4 word name). 

No one knows his "true" name. Not even me.

Fierdan does though, but he never told me. He's very secretive. He won't tell me the stuff he knows. :( 

(Ok so maybe not "no one" because Fierdan knows. lol)

And as for Twinkle, I think of Stella whenever I write Twinkle down. Stella.. that's her name. Ok lol wow so confusing huh. 

But I'll continue to call them Duke and Twinkle in my posts. 

-x-x-

Ok so yeah. I'm weird like that. I've been thinking of the name, Stella, when I write down Twinkle for a while now. I've also been thinking of other names for Duke when I write down "Duke", but I actually do not know what those other names for Duke are. I type and write "Duke" yeah, but I don't think of "Duke" equaling Duke in my mind. It's like, idk, his name is Duke.. but at the same time, it really isn't. It's kind of.. very.. far away from being Duke. 

Maybe it's because of the connotation the word, duke, has. There's really only duke being a pet (dog) name or a royalty label. Well, at least when it comes to using it as a noun. And like.. well, my character isn't really those things. (not sure if I should've put "connotation" uh-) 

I know that Duke can be a male name (yes, human lol), but I don't really see "Duke" as being my character's name. He's called Duke, yes, and he's been called that his entire life, yes.. but it's not his "true" name. 

This must be hard to comprehend, I know. Haha.. yeah. 

Honestly, the meaning behind Duke (as in my character's name) is so deep and symbolic. I'm kinda proud of myself. 

Fierdan (another character that I created, wow ikr) is the reason Duke is called/named Duke. Duke is a far easier thing to say than D.U.K.E. or what those letters stand for. Plus, you can just say "Duke"; it is a name after all. 

And, through Fierdan, the other types of "duke" can be used. If Fierdan is (or metaphorically is) a "king", he views Duke as being lesser than him (he's not worthy enough to be next in line for the throne- a "prince"). Duke is a "duke"- not a "king" nor a "prince"- a "duke". 

Unlike in my skits, story Fierdan generally looks down on Duke. Fierdan sees Duke as lesser. Their character dynamic never was, and never will be, healthy. They have lots of problems (with each other). They aren't friends. They are friends in the skits, yes, but they sure are not in the story. 

Fierdan doesn't view Duke as being equal to him. Duke isn't another human to him; he is more like a pet. ("Good boy, Duke! Who's a good boy?"). Fierdan controls nearly every aspect of Duke's life and is the main reason he is the way he is. Fierdan made Duke. I wrote in a chapter that Fierdan casually referred to Duke as his toy. That's right- toy, not even pet. 

Is story Fierdan an asshole? Yes. He's.. he's not good. He's full of problematic shit. He pushes the blame away from himself. He allows Duke to be held hostage by Taurel for as long as he is. He doesn't help him out with escaping from that hellhole. Fierdan really doesn't give a shit about Duke. He really just wants Duke to die his violent death. 

... anyway, that brings me to the next point I want to make about Duke. It's unrelated to that mess I just typed up. Violence warning. 

Ok so. Duke. This boy. 

Shit man.. he becomes real fucking scary. He's terrifying. 

Compare to Fierdan at his bloodiest (not including his flashbacks, I mean him actually at his bloodiest after committing murder) to Duke at his most powerful (lol yeah).. Duke would destroy Fierdan. Duke in his most demonic/sadistic state could kill Fierdan the equivalent of a few times just in one attempt. 

Demonic Duke is the result of Risak "killing" the rest of any humanity or connection to humanity Duke had. At that point, Duke is only still "alive" because of Soulless. Duke then is something inhuman in a human-looking body. 

Duke doesn't become a traditional demon though. He's not exactly that. 

He doesn't really become something I can only label as sadistic until several days later. In the torture arc, Duke is full of grief. He's helpless. He becomes depressed (and all those awful physical and psychological feelings that go along with it). He even begs for death a few times. Oh and like, Duke is even more traumatized at that point because he feels like he could've/should've stopped Ardere from getting shot (he actually couldn't). Duke is full of guilt and shame. He believes he was the one who killed Ardere, or he believes he's the reason Ardere died. But at the same time, he knows he didn't kill him. He rightfully blames Risak and Taurel, but he also blames himself on an internal level. Like ok, Duke really hates himself. Sure, he is cocky and it can look like he has a massive ego.. but, well, he's incredibly good at pretending "everything's okay." Duke actually has a wreck of a mental state who is addicted to destroying himself through self-destructive behavior. 

Then there are the switches that click off in his head. First when Risak stops shooting bullets from a gun at him. And well, uh.. Duke basically ends up burning that entire room up in black flames, Risak can't escape without coming in contact with the deadly fire, and (oh boy,,) Duke forces Risak to be burned alive. And unlike the times when Fierdan was using his black fire, Duke covers an entire room with it. That's a whole lot of fire. The next switch is several days into Duke's torture by Taurel. 

By that point, Duke is far from human. His physical body is in ruins. He's cut up, he's half-blind, his ears are torn up, he suffered a significant amount of blood loss, he has a few broken bones, his head was recently shaved.. so yeah, just go on and try to imagine Duke looking like that. It's definitely not a pretty sight. 

And no. Duke can't fully recover from that. When he loses his humanity, he loses it. He can't gain it back. His humanity died. His body can't just heal from all that physical trauma. It's pretty much the equivalent of bringing a dead body back to life. You can't. 

Duke dies. Even if Fierdan doesn't kill him, Duke probably would not live that much longer. He would die soon either way. Duke becomes the source of corruption. That's kind of like his true identity. To be corrupt, to corrupt. 

In a sick way, Fierdan killing Duke is a good thing for Duke because it brought him out of his misery. And Duke was full of misery. Even if Duke no longer wanted to die, he couldn't just decide by that point that he wasn't going to die. He was mostly dead by that point, anyways. 

So, Demonic Duke. That boy is a savage. He's a sadist. He's much more violent than Fierdan. 

I'll just say it. What I'll say might be considered disturbing. For body horror. Much worse than the torture he endured. 

Ok so. Well. Umm. ...................... 

There comes a time when Duke nearly kills Taurel. No, he doesn't use black fire.. but what he does/wants to do to Taurel is worse than that. 

Duke attacks Taurel. He does (well, of course he does). Duke is more like a beast than a human (nevermind a teenager). And so, he attacks like one. 

Duke gets his hands on something (idk what yet) and cuts Taurel like how he was forcibly cut. Taurel cut Duke and made him bleed. Duke does the same to Taurel. But unlike Taurel, he doesn't give a shit about stopping. Taurel would've stopped or at least took a break much earlier than when Duke stops cutting multiple areas of Taurel's body. 

He then uses something else to stab Taurel. Duke tries to tear out his torturer's eyes. 

Got that image in your mind? Yes? No, not really? Eh, that's fine. 

After that, Duke wants to.. he wants to.. bite. He wants to break Taurel's bones and tear off his skin.. with his teeth, with his mouth. 

I'm not sure if he even has the capability of biting off flesh (and yes, consuming it), but he wants to. And oh does he try. 

Cannibalistic tendencies. Oh damn. What the fuck?!  

Yeah. :') 

But someone finds a way to break in and "rescue" Duke before he can eat any chunks of human flesh (though he might have broken some of Taurel's bones already). 

And who is that (special) someone? That would be my lovely J man. He breaks in to "save" Duke before any of the others. That is when they first meet each other. 

And much, much later, they end up in a loving relationship. They become boyfriends, and it's beautiful. 

Lately, I've been seeing story 2+ Danny/Fierdan as looking like story 1 Fierdan's physical body but with his soul being more like story 1 Duke's. Post-Fierdan acts a lot like Duke.. but older. 

So in a way, Duke also ends up falling in love with J. And J breaking in and letting Duke escape from his torture chamber is the first thing that starts that ball rolling. 

I don't even know how J does it. He somehow is able to shock full-on Demonic Duke enough to stop him from becoming a, well, cannibal. J should be a lot more terrified upon seeing Duke in that state, but he isn't. Or at least he doesn't let his fear show. 

Instead, he gives Duke clothes such as a hoodie to cover up his shirt and just his body in general. 

Fuck,,, my J man character,, aaaaahhhhhhhh ;o; hhhh!!! 

Damn son. That's true love right there. 

---------------

Oh yikes, it's late. 

I only have my evening class today though. 

Oh shit. My essays--!

Fuck. 

Anyway, I love Duke! What a lovely image of him I put into your minds! XD 

(omg damn it, Duke! :/)

>:-) 

Bye! 

Old Duke and Twinkle stuff + other not-old stuff

Haha yes, I am back. :) 

The last post was getting long, so I didn't want to mention it then that I've also looked at my old story art. 

And uh... uhhhh..........

old ass story art from 2015

I never updated anything on that blog except for the chapters. Oh geez, that 2014 and 2015 art though. 

So I've been thinking. Something like, "hey me, if you ever are doubtful that your art skills improved over the past few years, look at your old ass story art from 2015." 

2015 me sure was a weird kid. I made one contest. I was so strict on the rules. 

2015 me: If you even THINK of drawing Twinkle and Duke as humans, you will be penalized! Don't do it! They are NOT humans! >:O 

Damn. Why was I so against people drawing them as humans? 

That's.. that's what they are? The "foxes" thing was a symbolic thing and I thought of it that way since 2016 if not earlier.

... I'm posting now because I have a snow day. No classes today. 

... except my first class was going to be canceled today even if we didn't get snow. 

.... I lowkey have considered redrawing my characters in their "fox forms" because I want to see if my art has improved when it comes to drawing anthro characters (or in other words, furries (aahh asdfghjklqwertyiop)).

Uh... hhhhhh...........

Cutepups in 2015, fellas! XD 

If you don't get it, I mean it as: I think my art has, in fact, improved. I think I draw better now than in 2015. 

Oh hey, look at this thing. (oh god why)

owo uwu

I used to be proud of this! (lmao) 

I visualize them looking very different than how I drew them there. And yes, even if I draw them in this scene in their "fox forms" again. 

Dang, that kiss scene I drew looks very cursed. The writing itself is cursed. But the drawing? Thanks a lot for emphasizing how cursed it is, Cutepups. *smh* 

Observations I made last night and today: 

1. Why are their heads nothing but large circles? Heads aren't circles??? ?????? Their heads are too round. 

2. Their bodies are way too skinny. How do their skinny bodies hold up their big circles heads? ????? 

3. Their arms are so skinny. It looks like they actually never ate food. Was this my art style? ???? Huh??

Yeah ahhh. Big yikes. 

It's kinda funny looking back at my old art of them. I imagine them looking so different now. 

I'll refer to the drawing of the scene I put here: 

1. I now view Duke as no longer having brown hair during this part of the story (this is a scene from Chapter 40 which used to be the "naughtiest" thing I wrote lmao). The ends of his hair are black (ok, very dark brown). After the Night of the Black Flames, I see Duke's hair turning all black (well, the same color as Fierdan's). 

2. I also picture Duke's hair starting to become long in the 40s arc. Instead of his hair being brown and short, I see him having messy black hair (that awkward time when your short hair starts growing out and it looks like a mess). 

3. I view Duke as being a few inches taller than Twinkle, so there should be more of a height gap between them when they kiss. 

4. They both generally have thin bodybuilds, but that doesn't mean their bodies are that skinny. That was a poor art style choice, past me! 

[sex mention below]***

5. This isn't really about the drawing, but I keep on thinking they're half-naked in this scene. But they're not. They're just not wearing their jackets. I bet it's because I wrote them as 14 year olds back then (14 year olds are like babies to me now, that's so young wtf)  and now I view them as being 17 year olds (at least). 

I don't know, I keep on thinking that I emphasized that they took off their clothes in Chapter 40. But when I look back at it, I see that they only took off their jackets. 

Damn. I really thought this scene was close to being sexual and full of sexual tension. Oops haha, you are wrong, me. 

I mean I thought that Duke was at least shirtless in this kiss scene. But apparently, he still has his shirt on. 

Hmm... hmm..... Oh. Ohh. That original subplot that shall not be named. (DukebeingshirtlesswhenhewasalonewithDawn) Right. That's when he was shirtless. Yep, I'm changing that whole thing. 

If you think that's naughty, you should see the ideas I have for Danny/Fierdan kiss scenes. Like.. ok.. he's in a bed with his partner and they're probably naked and they kiss.. in lots of places. 

Anyway, I'm only interested in romance and sex when it comes to thinking of story ideas for my characters. Real life? No. Other fictional things? Not really. 

... I also thought Twinkle took off her shirt and was wearing a cami shirt in this Chapter 40 kiss scene. But no. I was mistaken.

... lol I also wasn't sure if Duke had his pants on or if he was just in his underwear. Well.. uh.. now I know. (He wasn't just in his underwear. That's too sexual for the viewers. Please stop talking, Cutepups.) 

Yeah. Ok. 

....... I don't really remember much of 2014 either. But I feel like I remember more from that year than 2015. 

It's pretty sad how my memory is full of blanks. 

And if you don't get it, that means I barely remember my childhood. Well, I know.. some of it. But I feel like I should remember more, but I just don't. 

It makes me sad. :( 

............. it's very disturbing how objectified Duke is. He's not even viewed as being human by others. Except for the other protagonists (Twinkle, Dawn, Ardere, Finny, ... wait- are there any others?). Just about every other character views Duke as being an object or demon. 

He just wants to be human. </3 

Characters like Duke's parents, Risak, and Taurel see Duke as like a machine or demon under a human-looking cover-up. So they don't really see anything wrong in doing all the horrific violent shit they do to him. Or in his father's case, the violent shit he wants to do to Duke. 

And he's also objectified because other characters see him as nothing more than a sexual object.

So like. Duke.. what a guy. He's either viewed as a demon or machine.. or an object that people like to sexualize. 

The "Admiral" girl from school. Wow, she's so creepy. How many times did she go up to Duke and ask him why she (or no one else she knew) never saw him with a girlfriend, never saw him kiss someone (mouth-to-mouth), never saw him shirtless/close to naked... like? And how she was all like "you're so hot, Duke, like you're the hottest guy in the school, you're so sexy, go out with me, hottie and we should ;)"... like?? That's disturbing. (o-o) 

I don't think it was only "Admiral" who said or thought things about Duke and how they wished to see more of his body. I think more girls (not sure about other genders?) would think stuff like "Duke is so hot", "I wonder what he looks like shirtless", "why don't I ever see him with a girlfriend; I want to date him", "is he a good kisser? did he ever kiss a girl?"... "why doesn't Duke ever go to high school parties? is he afraid of drinking alcohol? did he ever drink?" and then to "Duke is so hot but I don't think he had sex? omg is Duke still a virgin? how come he never fucked?" and yeah, disturbing stuff, you get the point (I'll just assume you do). 

..... Duke was a victim of sexual harassment and assault. I used to think only Dawn was, but I'm far into the idea that Duke was too. 

(is?) ... omg stfu cpups! >:/

Anyway, yeah, Duke (and Dawn are) is objectified in the story canon. 

Sorry. :( 

Back to Twinkle. I feel kinda nostalgic listening to the songs I put in her playlist. :') 

Back to both of them. I write their names as Duke and Twinkle (well yeah, obviously). But I don't really refer to them by those names in my head. Duke and Twinkle are just nicknames they have. They aren't their "real" or "true" names. 

It's funny. I haven't even come up with Duke's full name (no, it's not Duke Fierdan), but I read "Duke" as being a quick way to write his actual name. 

I titled the playlist "DUKE + Fierdan" because Duke is supposed to be an abbreviation of 4 words (a 4 word name). 

No one knows his "true" name. Not even me. 

Fierdan does though, but he never told me. He's very secretive. He won't tell me the stuff he knows. :( 

(Ok so maybe not "no one" because Fierdan knows. lol)

And as for Twinkle, I think of Stella whenever I write Twinkle down. Stella.. that's her name. Ok lol wow so confusing huh. 

But I'll continue to call them Duke and Twinkle in my posts. 

Whew... ^-^" 

If you actually read my posts, thank you. 

You've reached the end of this one. 

Bye. 

Sorry, I went down memory lane

Maybe I shouldn't have said that I would make another post. It's past midnight on a Tuesday now. It's not even Monday. It's Tuesday. 

Hi! :)

Sorry, I went down memory lane. And now I'll talk about what I mean by that. 

Ok so on Sunday, I was looking at my ancient posts (2014 and 2015 are ancient to me, ok shh). 

Why was I doing such a thing? Well, so I could find all my posts that I have which mention "music" and "songs" that's why. 

And.. uh... .......... YIKES. 

In my old blogging days, I think I focused more on Twinkle than Duke or Fierdan, so I felt like I would find more songs that relate to Twinkle there. 

Well, I found some songs. Yeah. 

Ok so in early 2015, I was very into Nightcore and Evanescence apparently. And now I'm laughing about that. Just.. oh my (that's emo, Cutepups). XD 

(yes, I did say XD ok deal with it.) 

... ok but I still think some Nightcore songs aren't that bad compared to the original songs. I don't seek out Nightcore songs first like my strange 14 year old self did.. haha ahaha ahh. 

... that Evanescence phase though. (Cutepups living that sad teenage life like "oh shit, whaddup") 

Ha, ha, ha! The songs are good and beautifully sung. That is just the truth. Fight me. (actually, please don't.) 

Oh and when I was searching through my blog for posts with "music" and "songs" I found these ancient gems (cringe warning despite my hatred of cringe culture).: 

• "How To Draw Sweg Smexi Hawt Puke ;3"- February 8, 2015

1. "So first off, you start with drawing an extremely crappy circle.

2. Next, you draw the facial features in the crappy drawn circle which will be the head. Then, you draw crappy triangles which be his ears.

3. You then draw that oh-so-much-sweg hair on top of his head.

4. After that, you draw his epically sweg body and arms and fat neck.

5. Then, add on a tail that looks like puke.

6. Color it in! 

7. Remember to add his bloody scars!

8. Add a sloppily drawn phantom flame over his heart. And then draw those squiggly lines on his arms to indicate his smexiness and hawtness. Then, draw random horizontal lines on his belly because he so boodyfiul. 

9. After that, draw some crappy mini flames coming out of his claws. And to finish it off, color the background a bloody red. Because violence is key to drawing Puke.

10. When you're all done, submit your drawing to Jammer Central so AJHQ can see your artistic talent skills."

(omg wtf cutepups are you ok) 

The majority of 2015 is erased from my memory. I have 2015 amnesia. I literally don't remember shit. How the heck did I make so many posts that year? I have no idea. I was a high school freshman then. I was in high school! How did I have so much time to post? I did more activities during my first two years of high school than the last two. I.. I seriously do not understand how I apparently did this. 

And how the hell did I post chapters on weeknights? Like?? What?!?!?! 

Read my comments in 2015 and laugh. I just read some of mine and laughed so much (in my head of course because laughing out loud would be weird; my roommate never talks to me lmao what a loser, Cutepups, why don't you get front row seats to see a kpop band on a weekday like her :/ *smh*). 

Yeah, life just be like that! (woooo-)

I was always doing Duke so wrong. Why was I so cruel to him? Puke?? That's so rude of you, Cutepups. And he doesn't even have a fat neck. That drawing of him doesn't even have a neck. I'm just.. so lost right now. 

I zoned out. Maybe this time it counts as dissociating? Because I don't remember 2015 at all. Like.. none of it. Over 50%. 

... it might be due to The Depression. haha. ahaha. ha. (fuck) 

Ok but it's sad that I feel no connection at all to the person I was in 2014 and 2015. When I really get to thinking about it, I swear it almost brings me down crying. 

I swear I'm not exaggerating or bullshitting anything. I seriously don't remember 2015. I know it ended badly. But that's all I can easily recall? Like I don't know what was so bad in the first place, but I get very sad when I think about the end of 2015 for too long. 

Anyway, that fact haunts me. 2015 was four years ago. And I don't remember most of what happened then. 

(#//maybe2015wassotraumaticformethatirepressedallthememoriesfromthen;justkiddingi'mnottraumatized;pleasedon'treadthisshitthanks.) 

Oh, I know I was weird and embarrassing as a 14 and 15 year old (at least regarding blogging). Of course I'm embarrassed by who I was back then, but I don't think it's only due to that for why I don't remember what I did and said in 2015. 

Sometimes I think I was just pretending in 2014 and 2015 on here and other blogs. Putting up a "happy mask", if you will. And then I dropped the mask one day, and I started posting personal stuff about myself and then.. huh, that happened and caused my blog to become the shitshow it is today. And now there isn't a "different person" between me as Cutepups the blogger and me as Shannon the college student (that's my name and current occupation. lol wow. ... yes). I'm just being me. What I think a lot about is what I end up writing in my posts. I don't think that was the case when I started blogging. Something changed at some point, I guess. 

.... lol I forgot what else I was going to say. oops. 

• "This Post Makes No Sense Whatsoever."- October 13, 2014 

Oh, I know what this is! It's a very weird and "funny" post I made the night before someone close to my family died and made us all very sad (ever since then). That's what this is! 

(hahahahaha XD !!!!!! shit.) 

Let's laugh at some of my old skit lines from 2014. 

Duke: "So uh yeah. That's uh life. Life is good. Food is not as good. Life is good. What am I saying? Life sucks! Yeah, that sounds better. So umm yeah. That's uh the uh life."

Duke: "Ugh fine, fantasy-creature-that-somehow-exists. *puts sharp object back in pocket*"

Twinkle: "Wait.. Why do you even have that?"

Duke: "I don't know."

(omg it's even funnier if I think of Duke and Twinkle being 17 year olds in this. and are- you know- humans. *insert a keyboard smash here*) 

"Many, many wolves suddenly appear in the mall. They all look like the Precious creature. In all directions, are Precious creatures.

One of them says to itself, "Hola. Como estas? Muy bien. A mi tambien. Te gusta comer marshmallows? A mi tambien!" then starts laughing so hard that it falls down and cries on the floor.

Another one says to itself, "Hola. Bonjour. Shalom. Hello? What is that supposed to mean? You know I don't speak this native language! I don't know what I am saying because I don't know this native language! Grrr...."

Another one whispers on the phone as it thinks nobody else can hear it. But Duke and Twinkle can hear it. This Precious creature whispers, "Hey, did you rob that place? Enough money? *nods head* Okay. Yeah. Go burn it down now. Leave no evidence, though! *looks around, panicked* Oh no! I've got to go now. Bye. *hangs up phone*"

Ok what even is this? I just.. what. XD (I'm saying "this" too much.) 

Duke: "'Burn it down'? Hey, I can do that? Why didn't it ask me to do it? How rude!"

Twinkle: "Gosh darn it! Shut up, Duke!" 

Duke: "Yep. Precious must definitely be on drugs."

Precious: "*unsteadily points a claw at Duke* Nu-uh. You are on drugs, silly!"

Duke: "No I'm not! You are, stupid lunatic!"

Precious: "Nu-uh."

Twinkle: "Uh... Duke... What is this Precious talking about?"

Duke: "Shut up."

Ok, that's it lol. 

Holy SHIT, GUYS. !!!!!!! 

Precious (my AJ wolf avatar) is like some type of god. She knows all. 

She knows Duke. Holy shit, holy shit, shit fuck fuck fuck (that fucked me up). 

So even in 2014, I had plans for making Duke be involved with drugs in his past. Well.. well then. 

Damn. I must have always wanted Duke to have a past full of drinking alcohol and taking drugs. Wow wtf. Huh. 

Twinkle is just like "what does this weird wolf mean that you are on drugs, Duke?" And Duke literally replies with "shut up." 

oooooooo Duke. What are you hiding? ?????? I am intrigued! 

Omg what if Duke really was high in this skit and that's why it was a wild ride to read. (oh god) 

........ Plot twist: By "drugs", they are antidepressants. What if it was that? ... lol idk. 

... actually, idk if Duke had/has depression. I can't tell shit from my old writings. 

Like, I do think Duke has a mood disorder (probably undiagnosed in addition to his undiagnosed ptsd), but I'm not sure if it's accurate to call it depression (mdd) or something else. 

But then again. In probably all my old story writings, there's no hint at Duke being depressed. Anyway, I want to change that. Because at the very least, I view him as being depressed. And by that, I mean depression. Which is not the same thing as sadness. Oh yes. Ok. 

Also that Duke and Twinkle both are traumatized individuals from the very beginning of the story. Events prior to the story caused them to be traumatized. Twinkle also went through trauma. ... I forgot where I was going with this. 

But yeah. That is.. stuff. 

Duke and Twinkle both self-harmed and idealized suicide. Duke, of course, had it to a much worse degree than Twinkle. 

Oh yeah and.. they both experienced fucked up traumatic events at least a year before the story current time begins. 

It's just so weird to me now. Twinkle is depressed but isn't traumatized after all the shit she went through? Huh? What? That's.. unrealistic? 

... creating a playlist for Twinkle helps me think of her as my character more. we should all give her more love. 

Anyway, I have to rewrite everything. Duke shouldn't ever act "normal" if his past is.. you know what. He's traumatized, he's been traumatized for several years and it only gets worse. 

And Twinkle? You are traumatized too, my dear child. 

Oh and by the way, some of the songs in the playlist are what I call "spoilers" for Twinkle in the stories. Some songs remind me of my story 2 concept ideas. Except I call her Stella then. That's her like true name lol. 

. . . . . . 

• I can't find the post, but I found a comment that was basically saying I have a crush on Duke. And to that, I replied with "Narw" and a few other words. 

Yes, it's from 2014 or 2015 lol. 

"Narw" ... wtf does that even me? Is it a way to say "no"? I do not understand any of my 2014-15 Blogger slang. 

... lmao yes I have a crush on Duke boi like haven't you heard? He's called "swag sexy hot Duke" for a reason, fools. In the story, he is called "the hottest guy in school" or some shit like that. He's objectified by my other characters and not just me. He's just that... oh god, someone please save him from me. 

... I've been thinking of making a post all about how Duke is objectified. Which means.. something-something sexual-related. But I never got around to doing that. 

It's a little ironic that I have no interest in romance and sex regarding myself, but I've been having pretty sexual (and romantic too, yes) concepts about my characters since 2014 (I'm reading over some things I wrote back then and holy shit that shit is like sexual tension like is this shit a romance?? shit idk shit). 

I don't mean something like actual, well, uh.. fucking (oh right, it's called sexual intercourse lol), I mean other.. things and actions and things. 

But would I ever date Duke? Oh hell no. 

But then again. I wouldn't date anyone. So..-

No. I mean I don't have a crush on him. XD 

I've just been objectifying him since forever, apparently. That's all. Please kill me. 

College is stressful. I have.. assignments. I'm lonely. It's 2 am now. This post is long. :( 

Trip down memory lane! YEET. 

I'll make another post very soon. 

XD omg that's hilarious! XD 

XD, XD. XD! XD? 

Thanks for reading my clearly R rated post. :^) 

Good night. Sweet dreams. <3 

~ Cutepups

;) hehe eheheh ~