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Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Sorry, I went down memory lane

Maybe I shouldn't have said that I would make another post. It's past midnight on a Tuesday now. It's not even Monday. It's Tuesday. 

Hi! :)

Sorry, I went down memory lane. And now I'll talk about what I mean by that. 

Ok so on Sunday, I was looking at my ancient posts (2014 and 2015 are ancient to me, ok shh). 

Why was I doing such a thing? Well, so I could find all my posts that I have which mention "music" and "songs" that's why. 

And.. uh... .......... YIKES. 

In my old blogging days, I think I focused more on Twinkle than Duke or Fierdan, so I felt like I would find more songs that relate to Twinkle there. 

Well, I found some songs. Yeah. 

Ok so in early 2015, I was very into Nightcore and Evanescence apparently. And now I'm laughing about that. Just.. oh my (that's emo, Cutepups). XD 

(yes, I did say XD ok deal with it.) 

... ok but I still think some Nightcore songs aren't that bad compared to the original songs. I don't seek out Nightcore songs first like my strange 14 year old self did.. haha ahaha ahh. 

... that Evanescence phase though. (Cutepups living that sad teenage life like "oh shit, whaddup") 

Ha, ha, ha! The songs are good and beautifully sung. That is just the truth. Fight me. (actually, please don't.) 

Oh and when I was searching through my blog for posts with "music" and "songs" I found these ancient gems (cringe warning despite my hatred of cringe culture).: 

• "How To Draw Sweg Smexi Hawt Puke ;3"- February 8, 2015

1. "So first off, you start with drawing an extremely crappy circle.
2. Next, you draw the facial features in the crappy drawn circle which will be the head. Then, you draw crappy triangles which be his ears.
3. You then draw that oh-so-much-sweg hair on top of his head.
4. After that, you draw his epically sweg body and arms and fat neck.
5. Then, add on a tail that looks like puke.
6. Color it in! 
7. Remember to add his bloody scars!
8. Add a sloppily drawn phantom flame over his heart. And then draw those squiggly lines on his arms to indicate his smexiness and hawtness. Then, draw random horizontal lines on his belly because he so boodyfiul. 
9. After that, draw some crappy mini flames coming out of his claws. And to finish it off, color the background a bloody red. Because violence is key to drawing Puke.
10. When you're all done, submit your drawing to Jammer Central so AJHQ can see your artistic talent skills."

(omg wtf cutepups are you ok) 

The majority of 2015 is erased from my memory. I have 2015 amnesia. I literally don't remember shit. How the heck did I make so many posts that year? I have no idea. I was a high school freshman then. I was in high school! How did I have so much time to post? I did more activities during my first two years of high school than the last two. I.. I seriously do not understand how I apparently did this. 

And how the hell did I post chapters on weeknights? Like?? What?!?!?! 

Read my comments in 2015 and laugh. I just read some of mine and laughed so much (in my head of course because laughing out loud would be weird; my roommate never talks to me lmao what a loser, Cutepups, why don't you get front row seats to see a kpop band on a weekday like her :/ *smh*). 

Yeah, life just be like that! (woooo-)

I was always doing Duke so wrong. Why was I so cruel to him? Puke?? That's so rude of you, Cutepups. And he doesn't even have a fat neck. That drawing of him doesn't even have a neck. I'm just.. so lost right now. 

I zoned out. Maybe this time it counts as dissociating? Because I don't remember 2015 at all. Like.. none of it. Over 50%. 

... it might be due to The Depression. haha. ahaha. ha. (fuck) 

Ok but it's sad that I feel no connection at all to the person I was in 2014 and 2015. When I really get to thinking about it, I swear it almost brings me down crying. 

I swear I'm not exaggerating or bullshitting anything. I seriously don't remember 2015. I know it ended badly. But that's all I can easily recall? Like I don't know what was so bad in the first place, but I get very sad when I think about the end of 2015 for too long. 

Anyway, that fact haunts me. 2015 was four years ago. And I don't remember most of what happened then. 

(#//maybe2015wassotraumaticformethatirepressedallthememoriesfromthen;justkiddingi'mnottraumatized;pleasedon'treadthisshitthanks.) 

Oh, I know I was weird and embarrassing as a 14 and 15 year old (at least regarding blogging). Of course I'm embarrassed by who I was back then, but I don't think it's only due to that for why I don't remember what I did and said in 2015. 

Sometimes I think I was just pretending in 2014 and 2015 on here and other blogs. Putting up a "happy mask", if you will. And then I dropped the mask one day, and I started posting personal stuff about myself and then.. huh, that happened and caused my blog to become the shitshow it is today. And now there isn't a "different person" between me as Cutepups the blogger and me as Shannon the college student (that's my name and current occupation. lol wow. ... yes). I'm just being me. What I think a lot about is what I end up writing in my posts. I don't think that was the case when I started blogging. Something changed at some point, I guess. 

.... lol I forgot what else I was going to say. oops. 

• "This Post Makes No Sense Whatsoever."- October 13, 2014 

Oh, I know what this is! It's a very weird and "funny" post I made the night before someone close to my family died and made us all very sad (ever since then). That's what this is! 

(hahahahaha XD !!!!!! shit.) 

Let's laugh at some of my old skit lines from 2014. 

Duke: "So uh yeah. That's uh life. Life is good. Food is not as good. Life is good. What am I saying? Life sucks! Yeah, that sounds better. So umm yeah. That's uh the uh life."
Duke: "Ugh fine, fantasy-creature-that-somehow-exists. *puts sharp object back in pocket*"
Twinkle: "Wait.. Why do you even have that?"
Duke: "I don't know."

(omg it's even funnier if I think of Duke and Twinkle being 17 year olds in this. and are- you know- humans. *insert a keyboard smash here*) 

"Many, many wolves suddenly appear in the mall. They all look like the Precious creature. In all directions, are Precious creatures.
One of them says to itself, "Hola. Como estas? Muy bien. A mi tambien. Te gusta comer marshmallows? A mi tambien!" then starts laughing so hard that it falls down and cries on the floor.
Another one says to itself, "Hola. Bonjour. Shalom. Hello? What is that supposed to mean? You know I don't speak this native language! I don't know what I am saying because I don't know this native language! Grrr...."
Another one whispers on the phone as it thinks nobody else can hear it. But Duke and Twinkle can hear it. This Precious creature whispers, "Hey, did you rob that place? Enough money? *nods head* Okay. Yeah. Go burn it down now. Leave no evidence, though! *looks around, panicked* Oh no! I've got to go now. Bye. *hangs up phone*"

Ok what even is this? I just.. what. XD (I'm saying "this" too much.) 

Duke: "'Burn it down'? Hey, I can do that? Why didn't it ask me to do it? How rude!"
Twinkle: "Gosh darn it! Shut up, Duke!" 
Duke: "Yep. Precious must definitely be on drugs."
Precious: "*unsteadily points a claw at Duke* Nu-uh. You are on drugs, silly!"
Duke: "No I'm not! You are, stupid lunatic!"
Precious: "Nu-uh."
Twinkle: "Uh... Duke... What is this Precious talking about?"
Duke: "Shut up."

Ok, that's it lol. 

Holy SHIT, GUYS. !!!!!!! 

Precious (my AJ wolf avatar) is like some type of god. She knows all. 

She knows Duke. Holy shit, holy shit, shit fuck fuck fuck (that fucked me up). 

So even in 2014, I had plans for making Duke be involved with drugs in his past. Well.. well then. 

Damn. I must have always wanted Duke to have a past full of drinking alcohol and taking drugs. Wow wtf. Huh. 

Twinkle is just like "what does this weird wolf mean that you are on drugs, Duke?" And Duke literally replies with "shut up." 

oooooooo Duke. What are you hiding? ?????? I am intrigued! 

Omg what if Duke really was high in this skit and that's why it was a wild ride to read. (oh god) 

........ Plot twist: By "drugs", they are antidepressants. What if it was that? ... lol idk. 

... actually, idk if Duke had/has depression. I can't tell shit from my old writings. 

Like, I do think Duke has a mood disorder (probably undiagnosed in addition to his undiagnosed ptsd), but I'm not sure if it's accurate to call it depression (mdd) or something else. 

But then again. In probably all my old story writings, there's no hint at Duke being depressed. Anyway, I want to change that. Because at the very least, I view him as being depressed. And by that, I mean depression. Which is not the same thing as sadness. Oh yes. Ok. 

Also that Duke and Twinkle both are traumatized individuals from the very beginning of the story. Events prior to the story caused them to be traumatized. Twinkle also went through trauma. ... I forgot where I was going with this. 

But yeah. That is.. stuff. 

Duke and Twinkle both self-harmed and idealized suicide. Duke, of course, had it to a much worse degree than Twinkle. 

Oh yeah and.. they both experienced fucked up traumatic events at least a year before the story current time begins. 

It's just so weird to me now. Twinkle is depressed but isn't traumatized after all the shit she went through? Huh? What? That's.. unrealistic? 

... creating a playlist for Twinkle helps me think of her as my character more. we should all give her more love. 

Anyway, I have to rewrite everything. Duke shouldn't ever act "normal" if his past is.. you know what. He's traumatized, he's been traumatized for several years and it only gets worse. 

And Twinkle? You are traumatized too, my dear child. 

Oh and by the way, some of the songs in the playlist are what I call "spoilers" for Twinkle in the stories. Some songs remind me of my story 2 concept ideas. Except I call her Stella then. That's her like true name lol. 

. . . . . . 

• I can't find the post, but I found a comment that was basically saying I have a crush on Duke. And to that, I replied with "Narw" and a few other words. 

Yes, it's from 2014 or 2015 lol. 

"Narw" ... wtf does that even me? Is it a way to say "no"? I do not understand any of my 2014-15 Blogger slang. 

... lmao yes I have a crush on Duke boi like haven't you heard? He's called "swag sexy hot Duke" for a reason, fools. In the story, he is called "the hottest guy in school" or some shit like that. He's objectified by my other characters and not just me. He's just that... oh god, someone please save him from me. 

... I've been thinking of making a post all about how Duke is objectified. Which means.. something-something sexual-related. But I never got around to doing that. 

It's a little ironic that I have no interest in romance and sex regarding myself, but I've been having pretty sexual (and romantic too, yes) concepts about my characters since 2014 (I'm reading over some things I wrote back then and holy shit that shit is like sexual tension like is this shit a romance?? shit idk shit). 

I don't mean something like actual, well, uh.. fucking (oh right, it's called sexual intercourse lol), I mean other.. things and actions and things. 

But would I ever date Duke? Oh hell no. 

But then again. I wouldn't date anyone. So..-

No. I mean I don't have a crush on him. XD 

I've just been objectifying him since forever, apparently. That's all. Please kill me. 

College is stressful. I have.. assignments. I'm lonely. It's 2 am now. This post is long. :( 

Trip down memory lane! YEET. 

I'll make another post very soon. 

XD omg that's hilarious! XD 

XD, XD. XD! XD? 

Thanks for reading my clearly R rated post. :^) 

Good night. Sweet dreams. <3 

~ Cutepups
;) hehe eheheh ~

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