monday musings

Hey. It's me. As always. Well, it's Monday. Been quite a long day. Time to reflect on some things.

I woke up at 3 am. Yeah. That's me. Haha. I'm so tired right now.

Perfect time to start a post, am I right, fellas?

............. well anyway.

I have such a low self-esteem. Like, wow, it's incredible. Procrastinates on reading comments. Feeling like people are out to get me. Fear. All this fear. What for? I don't know.

Fear. Anger. Stress. Yet again, those feelings have gotten the better of me while typing up the last chapter.

I'm looking back at it. I thought I had enough ideas together to make a chapter. Doesn't really look that way to me now.

The news. Oh gosh, the news. So much anger and stress. With what's going on. Geez man, staying positive is hard work.

And then there's also me feeling inadequate in every aspect of my life. Then there's the criticism. Ahem, driving.

Got the papers about the dates of the AP exams. I'm scared. Gotta memorize so much info for this class.

Then there's also the SAT. Heh, big tests. Scary stuff.

2017 is gonna be a stressful year. Am I gonna feel angry and stressed every day for the next 4 years? When will it end? I don't know.

I've been feeling anxious all day. My stomach hurts a lot nowadays. It sucks.

Why, body, why.

I'm such a scared coward. Ugh.

I think I'll be so much better mentally if I actually have a plan for the future. Like ok. If I actually know what I would like to do, I feel that would solve most of my current problems.

I just want to know. Be good at something that could be beneficial to me.

I had such a vivid dream the other night. On that cruise ship. Big waves. Tipped over.

Ah yes. Another dream where I'm in a near-death experience. Great fun. Haha end my suffering.

This time I really am stuck on how to continue the story. Nice going, me.

It was stupid of me to type up a chapter when I've been experiencing the bad feelings (tm).

So, um, anxiety. Sometimes I get it and it's rational. Makes sense. Ok, got it. But gosh, it hurts too.

Tuesday is gonna be another long day.

Bye guys. Stay safe.

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 56

FINNY

I'm nothing more than a traitor. I shouldn't have hugged him. After all I've done, he still thinks we're friends. But we're not. We're not. 

What kind of friend gets involved with people like that? Who teams up with people who want to torture their friend? 

I'm that friend. 

I don't know what to believe. He's ruining Jamaa. Putting it in danger. But hearing what they said isn't right either. Nothing is right.

I'm relieved that Calliah has Duke. Or at least had. Duke ran away from her. I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself knowing that I helped lead Duke to be hurt like that.

I'm thankful I got common sense knocked into me. I hate how I was tricked into hating Duke so much that hurting him would be a good deed. 

I wonder where Taurel and Risak are. If Calliah hadn't stopped them, then I'm sure that Duke would be with them. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. 

Why did I help them? Why did Sparkle want to work with them? She and Duke usually hung out together in school. 

Did she believe that she had to be his enemy after finding the information out? 

Everything confuses me. Our lives at school feel like they were last lived a lifetime ago. Our lives are totally different now. 

The phantom outbreak caused lots of places to shut down. There isn't a school left. Barely any place is safe anymore. It's a miracle that I'm still alive. 

There must be a reason that a few other people and I are still alive. So many have died. Yet I haven't. What significance do I possess? 

I make myself feel sick. I can't stand myself. 

Why did our past lives have to end? 

FIERDAN 

It's been a few days. Why won't it leave my head? They are gone. Why can't I let them go? 

I'm not a good person. Why do I keep on trying to tell myself the opposite? 

How long has it been? A few weeks? A month? More time than that? 

No. Soulless still had hold of me back then. She was directing that at them. 

No, no. She was directing that at me. She must have. 

I don't love anything or anyone. I don't deserve to be loved and forgiven. I'm selfish for wanting any good thing. 

I'm nothing more than a monster. I deserve this pain. 

If Duke wants to kill himself, then shouldn't I have just agreed with him? Why did I have to make things so much more complicated? 

I'm the one who wants to die. I can't. I hate how I can't. I'm making Duke do all the dirty work. 

I hate him. I hurt him. I only injected pain into him because I couldn't do it to myself. 

The black flames, the phantom flamed heart, the mother's hatred, the darkness in his head. It's all because of me. 

It's ridiculous of me to believe he would love me. After all the terrible things I've done. 

I only use people. Manipulating is what I do best. Thanks a lot, Soulless. 

Thanks a lot, me.

Lying down, those memories never leave. It isn't really happening. Soulless is gone now. The one who hurt me isn't here. They are gone. 

So why can't I let them go? Why can't I be left alone? And why do I enjoy this pain so much? 

Soulless isn't here anymore. But here I am still feeling them punishing me just like whenever I refused to do a task they insisted me on doing. 

The electric shocks run through my entire body. Soulless's punishments. 

Thank you, Soulless. 

TWINKLE

I walk towards Dawn. I almost stumble when I'm a few steps away from her. I grin when I look up at her. 

"Hi Dawn," I say. My words sound slurred. This wasn't a result of drinking that tea, right? 

She looks down at me. "Why are you on the ground, Twinkle? Are you okay?" 

I'm on the ground? Oh wait, I am. I laugh and get up. 

Dawn looks concerned. Since when did she care about me? Isn't she obsessed with loving Duke? Why are we together again? 

"When was the last time you slept?" Dawn asks. 

I laugh. Sleep? After that dream, I hadn't fallen asleep since. It's been two days since then. 

"I don't need sleep, Dawn," I say. 

Slurred words. Blurred images. Dawn prevents me from falling down. 

"Your eyes are starting to get red. You need to get some sleep, Twinkle."

I can't sleep though. Not after that dream. 

"No, I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to risk dreaming about it again. I don't want any of it." 

I'm sick of playing this game of romance with Duke. 

I don't want it. I want it. Go away. Come back. 

Darn it. Get out of my head. 

"Please, I beg you. Go to sleep, Twinkle. I can't afford to have you sick while we still have to find Duke."

I glare at her. "Duke this, Duke that. Everything has to be about him, right? There's really no reason for me to be here. You're only using me to get to Duke. I'm only in your way, huh?"

"What? No, Twinkle, no. You're here not just for me to get Duke. I'm sorry for giving off that impression. How can I make it up to you?"

"Freaking Fennie," I mutter under my breath. 

"Anyway, you're kinda right. It's silly of me to chase Duke. He nearly killed me." 

I hear Dawn laugh. They're both crazy. Being here instead of back home is crazy. Life is such a mess.

My eyes light up. "Oh, I know how you can make it up to me."

She smiles. "Okay, how?"

I stand up, making me taller than her. 

"You promised Duke and I that you would train us. I'm sick of waiting around for him."

She looks taken aback by my words. "The training?"

"When we first met you, training was what you promised us. Or was that another one of your lies?" 

"Oh, oh that's right. Training. That totally wasn't a lie. Ha, ha." 

I frown. "You promised. You said all three of us in the prophecy were gonna do training of some sort."

Dawn takes a few steps back and laughs. "Training isn't required anymore. You and Duke are getting better with controlling your powers. Unless you mean using weapons. That could be fun."

Weaponry? Dawn? Who even is this girl? 

"And by the way, Twinkle. Us three only make up part of the prophecy." 

The prophecy? Wasn't that the reason why Duke and I went out here to find Dawn? To find answers to the prophecy? What ever happened to that? 

The whole Fierdan thing must have distracted him. 

I realize something. "All three of us haven't been together. One of us is always separated from the other two. Maybe that has something to do with it." 

The next thing I know is being on the ground again. This is strange. I don't remember falling. 

Maybe Dawn is right. I should sleep at least for a little while. 

I don't know how much time has passed before I open my eyes. 

Dawn is on top of me. 

Instead of wearing her dress with its torn ends that she told me were because of Duke, I now see her in pants and what could barely pass as a shirt. A shirt that only covers her chest. 

And she holds a pale green sword, the blade aimed at my throat. 

Her hair is tied up. Her eyes are shining so brightly. The green hurts my eyes. 

"If you insist, Twinkle. This is gonna be fun." 

DAWN 

I get off of Twinkle. I let the blade brush the side of my right leg. 

"Get up or go to sleep. Your choice," I tell her. 

She immediately sits up. "I'm not going to sleep. Geez Dawn, what the heck even was that?" 

I feel relieved by the fact that she knows barely anything about me. It's way too complicated for her, anyway. 

I'm sure that Twinkle wouldn't look at me the same way again if she finds out what I did. Things that involved Fierdan, Duke, and Calliah. 

Even Duke doesn't know what happened between Calliah and I. I'm not sure if Fierdan knows either. I'm scared of thinking about them finding out. 

I worked with her to make them forget some memories. Some crucial memories. 

They're the weak ones for not knowing. We blocked them from knowing too much. I'm the only one who knows. Calliah took part by giving Duke that potion. But that's all she really knows. I was the one who made it. 

He doesn't remember his life from back then. He doesn't remember the black; the bodies. He doesn't remember his name. 

I'm the one who never forgot. And I don't plan on making them remember. 

Magic is fun to possess. Being a green witch is fun. Potion-making is fun. Being myself is fun. 

It was me who told Calliah that her son was closely connected to Fierdan. I told her. The mother with phantom powers. 

We have a history together. Just like how I had a previous history with Fierdan. 

I hold so many secrets. I laugh and point the sword at Twinkle again. Her reaction is priceless when she sees herself wearing a different outfit. 

She gets up, the pale blue sword in her paw. 

"Bring it on, Dawn," she says as her eyes blaze that signature blue color. 

Finally. 

DUKE

Fierdan...

I suddenly stop. I feel my heart beating, my breathing; my trembling paws and legs. 

That strange little wolf turns around and looks at me. "Are you okay?" 

"Oh, oh yeah. I'm fine," I say in a single breath. 

"Are you sure?" he asks. 

I glare at him. "Did you not hear me?" 

"Oh okay," he whimpers. 

We walk in silence for a few minutes. I sigh when he breaks it. 

"We've been walking through this forest for a while now. Why are you wearing sunglasses, Duke? To look cool?" 

"Pfft. To look cool? No."

"Then why?" 

I make Ardere look directly at me. "Listen here, little kid. I'm not going to take these sunglasses off when I'm out in public. If you don't know by now, many people are hunting me down and want to kill me." 

He looks confused. I sigh again. 

"There's nobody here though. Sunglasses don't really hide your identity, Duke."

I put my paw on his shoulder. "Please shut up." 

Wow, I'm so good with little kids. Incredible. 

But this kid? He's on a whole different level of weird. And that's not only because he's a wolf. How does he know so much about Twinkle? About her Elemental Power? 

Who even is he? 

This time, walking in silence makes me even more uncomfortable. Feeling every heart beat, every breath enter and leave my body, makes me feel sick. 

I can't wait to make it all stop. 

When are you going to tell them that you're planning on dying very soon? When are you going to tell her? 

I stop walking. She doesn't have to know. I don't want to hurt her again. 

Never, ever again. 

If you die without telling her, you're hurting her. Don't you know anything, you foolish boy? 

"Shut up, gosh darn it," I growl under my breath. "Shut the hell up." 

I take off the sunglasses, nearly snapping them in half in the process. 

I face Ardere. A single tear rolls down my face. 

"This is what you wanted, right?" 

This is what you wanted, right? 

Fierdan... 

hmm

Hello.

I swear I get sudden writing ideas at the most random times. 

That poem thing in the last post? Got that idea while walking my dog outside last night. 

Been thinking about some older comments. Ah...

In the middle of classes, I got some story ideas that might work. 

TV shows also give me ideas. Kind of. 

I'm thinking of putting in another character POV. Guess which character if you want. 

I'm stuck on other things. As always. Not much of a surprise there, am I right? 

2017. The year I'll try to finish this whole thing for good. So then it can't haunt me any longer for leaving a story unfinished. 

~ Cutepups 

The Meaning of Life

Remember back in the day when we were younger?

We were so happy and carefree

We would laugh and not overthink questions 

We were just kids 

We grew a lot since then 

Don't you remember? 

I'm looking back into the past

Nothing was serious 

Everything was a joke

The question was asked

What is the meaning of life? 

Acting like our childish selves

Answers had come 

The answer to the meaning of life 

Food, a number, nothing too serious

Everything was simpler back then

No overthinking or analyzing 

To take over our lives 

What if I brought the question up today?

How would our answers be different 

From who we were back then? 

What is the meaning of life? 

To be happy?

To be successful?

To be who we want to be?

To wish the same for the next generation? 

Everyone has a different path in life 

Yet in the end

We all have the same basics 

Of what life is 

First comes birth

Then comes education through schooling

That takes the first twenty years of our lives 

Perhaps even longer or shorter than that

Then comes getting a job

Studying for so many years 

Only to be able to get a good job 

Working for so many years

Only to be able to have money 

That's the only way to support ourselves

We work for money so we can live 

Then create a family of our own

Teaching our children what our parents told us

Then after that comes retirement 

And then in enough time 

Last comes death 

Cycles keep on repeating 

Same thing over and over 

And over and over and over 

Let's face it 

Down to the simplest of basics 

Life is pretty boring 

Deep down it must be

That every average and mediocre person 

Is the same 

How can significance, purpose, and individuality 

Come into play 

When we are all after the same things 

In this game that every human plays

The game of life? 

Overthinking things through 

Makes our sanity wear thin 

It's never good to know too much 

Some people have become rebels 

To this game of life

Forcing us to get to work and start a new family 

Some people have realized 

What is the point of living till we're old

If we're not big and famous

Then isn't life the same for everybody?

Isn't it sad?

More and more people have 

Made these thoughts of realization 

Come into their brains

Affecting their ways of thinking 

Their ways of how to perceive society and the world

Some people have rebelled or are thinking of it 

If the meaning of life is only to 

Work to get money in order to support yourselves 

Then why wait?

Why wait to cut it entirely?

Why wait so long to die? 

Forced standards for new generations

Getting stricter and stricter 

For each new generation 

Life is hard now

It's hard to pay for even the simplest of things 

Cheaply paid jobs with higher education and apartment prices rising 

People in their younger years

Have to struggle so much 

The number of adolescents in despair are rising 

More people are finding out that 

In the end nothing really matters

What are the chances of making an everlasting impact on the world

That would still affect the world in

A hundred years, a thousand years, a million years?

Nobody will be left to remember us in a million years 

And on top of that

We're all just one person out of 7 billion 

We won't really change the world, will we? 

Isn't it so sad?

More people are rebelling in this game of life 

We were all forced to participate in 

By ending the game sooner 

More people are killing themselves 

Isn't it sad that how things are run with all these ridiculous standards 

There is nothing that can change that?

Once you realize too much about human life 

It's difficult to find a point, a reason, to actually 

Want to stay alive 

Once you realize it

Think too much about it

You can only join us

And become a rebel 

What is the meaning of life?

To work for money and somehow be satisfied 

With doing the same thing week after week 

For forty plus years?

To marry and start a family 

In order to spread what your parents and mentors have taught you 

To the newer generations? 

To be happy with things we are forced to do

In order to be alive and well?

What is the meaning of life? 

I don't think there is a true meaning left

In other words 

There is none 

Because in the end 

We are all one of the same 

We're only human 

And we're all after one thing

Purpose 

So perhaps I think that

The meaning of life is to 

Find our own purpose 

In order to stand out in the crowd 

Because we all aren't the same

We're all different individuals 

Finding your purpose 

Makes you find yourself for who you really are 

What is the meaning of life 

For me

For you

For humanity? 

There is none left in this world anymore. 

i'm rotting it's fine :)

Hi.

So we all know how the Daily Puppy isn't updating anymore, right? Well, I found an alternative site where we can go to in order to see the Cute Pup of the Day.

Like. That's the name of the site basically.

Link: http://cutepuppyoftheday.com

Yes. Good. Puppies make life better.

I've also started liking more TV shows. Ah, ha ha.

I have such a fragile sense of identity. It's so funny. I read someone criticizing something I like, and then I feel stupid for liking said thing. Then I automatically think I'm wrong as always. Man, my mind sure is a good pal. Nah lol.

It's also pretty weird. Personalities. Having one? Huh, that's wild. One I live with that I have only when I'm alone with myself, one when in public and/or having to talk to people, and one at home with family. It's kinda hard to catch up with all of them. Gotta love contradicting each other. Ugh oh man. I hate how I do these certain things when talking to people and I want to stop, but I still do it. I don't want to.

Guess that's why I feel like I'm always lying. It's like I'm always lying when talking to people.

Why do I let people use me so easily lmao?

Feelings of disconnection. Fun lol.

About last post, I realized I only drew ears on Duke on that drawing. Oops lmao.

By the way. I know. Ok. I know. The sad anxious loser knows.

I cringe every time I make a post related to Twinkle's Story. The next day, at least. The art, the writing, me being passionate about it (or at least giving that impression off).. it's stupid.

It's stupid. It makes me cringe, hours after posting them.

I hate it all. I still like it. Heh, I don't know anymore.

I'm getting stuck on how to write the next chapter. Great.

Maybe I just want to go back to the days when I wrote the story. Maybe I feel so empty in life that I'm just going to TV shows and the story in order for me to feel something other than the same boring routine that's everyday life. I don't know.

I'm so angry and stressed over the state of America. Ugh god. How can this year be the year of self-improvement and recovery when there's everything going on?

I thought I did decent on a quiz. Turns out I failed.

Gotta love when that happens. Gotta love saying goodbye to that B in math.

Ha, ha, haaaaa. :))))

I also think I'm getting sick. Ugh, kids.

Earlier today, I felt like the equivalent of a body rotting.

It was gross.

So much dry skin is falling off my arms today.

I'm rotting lol.

Even when soaking in water and putting on moisturizers, my skin is still dying and falling off.

I'm looking at the arm where it's worse. Kinda in the mood to peel off skin.

I always feel guilty, so my stomach always is like in the background hurting. In the foreground is my nose. Making it hard to sleep.

I woke up at 4 am thinking it was two hours later.

I go to sleep at midnight, and yet here I am waking up so early.

I have a test tomorrow. End me, kill me. Heal me, save me.

Uh, what else? Since I'm usually feeling guilty about something, I've been thinking of writing a poem about it. Guilt.

It's funny how much I don't have any self-esteem.

I think everyone's a better person than me. By that I mean better at being a human. Not like behavior or anything. Umm. It's like. Can I even human? I'm not sure.

Cute little positivity things and those "reasons to stay alive" lists barely affect me. They're cute, sure. But hey, didn't really change anything. It's not for me. Doesn't fit right.

I'm gonna try and rot to sleep.

: )

officially cutepups now lol

Hello. Yes hi. I changed my profile picture. Now it's actually a picture of a cute puppy. :D

What a good doggo. ^o^

Uhm. My nose and stomach are hurting again. Usually. Whatever.

I feel guilty every time I post something lmao. 

*tries to be cool ... fails*

*tries to give off the feeling that I'm good and positive while america is falling apart*

Cool beans. *finger guns*

(screw it, end me.)

Anyway, I went on AJ. 

I logged on and found this Jam-A-Gram in my mail. I read the username and flipped out. Are you a fan of my garbage-invested blog? I said "swag" a lot on here back in the good old days. Mcswaggins Mc Swag I am honored to get a buddy request from you. 

(watch them un-buddy me now lmao)

I checked on my masterpiece and found out that 5 other people liked it. (I'm one of the likes lmao). Wow, I'm getting so popular. Haha jk. I love everyone who likes my art. I love you. (jk idk how to love).

There's this Chinese New Year seasonal Adventure, and here are the dragons. AJ has dragons, guys. AJ is celebrating more holidays and incorporating more cultures into the game. Heck yeah man!

Everyone can get a pet rooster for 3 diamonds, so I got one. His name is Cloudysky. He has his own adoption certificate making him all official. Officially my blue birb boi. His personality is rough. Oh man, got a little problematic birb playing rough. AJ why. He likes stew.

I am proud of my blue birb boi. He the boi! 

I also quickly drew the trio.

ohhhhhh heckkkkkkk

Twinkle: fu Duke

Twinkle: Put on clothes, you dick.

Twinkle: Why are you so much bigger than Dawn and I?

Twinkle: Stop being so obsessed with yourself.

Twinkle: Why do I look like crap?

Twinkle: ...

Twinkle: fu Cutepups how dare you only focus on drawing Duke (and without a shirt on)!

Twinkle: Why do I look like a boy?

Duke: You're now my bro!

Twinkle: Did you not hear me? I said "fu Duke" and "put on clothes, you dick".

Dawn: I'm Dawn and I'm the one always stealing Duke's clothes.

Twinkle: ... 

Twinkle: fu Dawn

Twinkle: Cutepups, what the hell dude! Are you attracted to Duke or something, you gremlin human? 

Duke: I'm hot damn.

Dawn: ...

Dawn: fu Duke

Me: what no fu--heck man!

Twinkle: Who even is "heck man"?

Duke: They are all heck man.

Me: Yes, I'm heck man. Heck everything. *dies*

(tbh I lowkey like this art crap I have created on the AJ game)

Ok bye lol. 

omg ew the heck

Hello! I have two math quizzes tomorrow, so I'm over here laughing and crying at the same time. Yay! :'D 

I forgot to include something, a few posts back. Besides writing posts, I also want to post drawing posts and type about my awesome cruise vacation I was on (still having the occasional dream about it, smh). 

And look at that. This post isn't going to be about any of those things. Well, in the technical sense. 

I'm so sorry for bringing back the story hell. Ah heck. 

So let's begin! ;) 

(I'll be discussing Chapter 55 and might swear (end me)) 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*chews gum and tries to be cool*

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) >:) 

(so evil) 

Ok, ok. 

I forgot to bring this up before, so I'll say it now. (viewers be like "oh god pls no") . Duke has sunglasses now. I accidentally made him swag in canon. (viewers be like "why cutepups why stop with the swag"). 

No, the swag is always here on this god awful blog. 

(Screw it, this is gonna be another post where I ramble on about Duke dick shit.) 

Anyway. I'm not that sure if it really affected anyone, but the reason why the publish times for the recent chapters is early (like 7 or 8 pm) is because I'm typing chapters on my iPad now instead of on my computer. I constantly tap on "save" to ensure my post is saved and is a draft. On the iPad, the first time I tap that "save" button is the time that appears for when this post is published. 

In real time, I finished typing Chapter 54 and 55 around 3 to 4 and a half hours later than the time that appears. So yeah. Hope that clears up any confusion. If you have any.

I did the same thing for this post. Haha yeah. 

I'm trying to draw specific scenes from Chapter 55. But here's the thing. It's so hard to draw. I just can't seem to draw any characters good enough. 

I'm trying to draw when Fierdan is telling Duke, "Being killed is not the only way someone can die." Ugh, drawing them how I imagine them in my head is so freaking hard, man. It's incredible. I can't even draw my own characters. What a fool I am. 

Arms and hands (paws) in specific positions is so hard to draw. Drawing the very specific facial expressions I want is hard. Drawing hair is hard. Ok. Everything is hard. 

I mean that for any character. Not just them. But how they are in that scene I'm thinking is difficult to draw due to all those reasons. Um ok lol.

Oh man, I really like that quote I suddenly typed when writing the chapter. "Being killed is not the only way someone can die." It doesn't sound that great if it has no context. But in the story context, I just really like this quote I made. 

Like of course being killed isn't the only way someone can die. Old age, for example, is a way someone can die without being killed. But in the story, Duke thinks he can only die if he gets killed (by himself or another person, is the question). And Fierdan's saying he can die in ways other than getting killed. 

This might get deep, guys. Bare with me. 

Fierdan hasn't truly died. I mean he technically did (first one; the second one is the one who's active in the story) but not without coming back. And yet he's giving off this vibe that he knows ways to die in a more complex form than Duke. I mean, yeah, Fierdan killed lots of people in the past. But I mean something different. 

Uh, I'll just say it. Duke is mainly thinking about ways to die physically. Fierdan is telling him that people can die emotionally too. But dying physically is literally while dying emotionally is not. So what I'm trying to say is Fierdan didn't physically die, but he died emotionally hundreds of times. And he's also reminding Duke that he too died emotionally before. 

As well as all that, Fierdan is telling Duke that he can physically die in a way other than being killed. What does he mean by that? I'll just keep it a mystery for now. 

Ok, enough of this deep stuff.

Gosh, look at Fierdan and that character development right there. Ten chapters ago, he was a scared and inferior little thing. Now he's past that. Controlling Soulless and Duke now. 

Duke and Fierdan. I love my death-obsessed bad emo boys. They're both very bad characters (always trying to hide the fact that they're both technically anti-heroes; so manipulative smh). I hate them. I love them. 

By the way, I have so many sketches (all looking terrible) of Duke and Fierdan (it depends on each drawing) having them either be. Half-naked or, well, naked (end me pls, dang that lowkey nsfw). 

(viewers be like "holy shit bad post what sins") 

Oh dang. My foot kinda hurts. 

I also made Twinkle say her stomach hurts because every time I write a romance scene (kiss scene) I feel like. Oh boy heck man! And then my stomach starts kinda hurting. And yet here I am continually making these scenes. (end me) 

I'm also trying to draw a scene from Twinkle's POV. When she's dreaming about dancing alone or with Duke (yeah ok he's that guy, smh). But like. Drawing them in those positions is hard. Drawing Twinkle's dress and hair how I would like is hard. And if I include Duke in it, then drawing him would be hard too. 

Random fact time. I got the sudden idea for that scene when I was in the art museum I went to on Wednesday. With a few other people and myself, we entered this fashion gallery. It was playing this music that sounded kinda mysterious and from a piano. This gallery displayed dresses from the 1700s to 2016 from all over the world. And in a previous gallery we were in, we saw this dance theme. It had these small sculptures of people dancing in specific positions. So tie that all together, and you have me daydreaming about the scene in Twinkle's POV for days. 

I was originally going to end Duke's POV when the car stopped driving. But then I was like. Screw it, I'll just write it all out for one chapter. Boy, did a lot happen in his POV. Haha yeah. 

The sooner I finish this story for good, the better. 

Anyway, if any of you are asking, I don't know why either. Why is Duke so obsessed with dying now? Where did all that come from? I'm sorry, I forgot. It makes it closer to the story being over. That's all I've got. 

And why is Calliah suddenly not acting abusively to Duke? Does Duke believe her? All these questions that I don't know how to answer. 

He's so complicated. God damn, Duke. 

Oh yeah. I always forget that Duke and Twinkle (and some other characters too, but I especially mean those two) are only 14 years old. Every time I write a chapter or even just think about them (this goes for Duke especially), I always imagine them being 17 year olds. And that Duke won't live when he's 18 instead of 15. But if I edit their ages, the story feels even more weird. 

He's 17 in my mind. At least. At this point, it's just about impossible for me to imagine him as being younger than me. 

And Fierdan is between the ages of 17 and 24. But now I mainly think of him being 19. Older than Duke. Ok this is complicated. I know. Sorry. 

This is how I see it. When I was in my random blogging phase, Duke was 14. But now that I'm older and a more mature awful blogger, Duke isn't as random. 

This is confusing lmao. My writing style sure has changed. Less randomness. More sadness. Haha, growing up is fun! 

Bye lol.

~ Cutepups (what a fool they are) 

PS: #dukeusespeopleclub 

He is evil. 

His good writing skills in his POV (I like writing his POVs the most) try to hide the fact that he's more bad than good. 

I still love all my characters though. (Ok maybe Risak and Admiral are exceptions.) 

Ok bye. 

Thanks for reading. <3

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 55

FIERDAN 

"So incompetent, you couldn't do it yourself." 

I sit down on the ground. It's been around a hundred years, and he couldn't defeat Soulless.

I wrap a blanket tighter around me. "All this time I thought the first was more strong than I'll ever be. If he never stood up for himself against Soulless, then that makes me stronger than he ever was."

Finally, I'm dominating you now. There's nothing you can do about it now. Soulless, you're going down before me this time. 

I order Night Crow to come. A little black bird is the only one who stays loyal. How pathetic.

Following him, however, I sense Duke's presence. Duke? I didn't invite him. Did he really provoke my mind this time around? 

"Um," he stutters, "F-Fierdan. I... I..."

Night Crow perches on my right shoulder as I stand up. The blanket falls off me. 

"What is it, Duke?" 

Under his breath, he asks, "Where's Soulless? Are they gone?" 

Rolling my eyes, I say, "We've been over this. I shut down their ability to invade the circuits in my brain. They're trapped now. The only trace of Soulless here is you, Duke. When are you going to do it?" 

He looks at his paws. "Yeah, uh, about that. Well, you see, I've been wondering if I have to..."

"Yes, you have to die. We made a deal, Duke."

"I... I know. I just want to know if someone can kill me instead. You know, another way for me to die than me killing myself." 

I go up to him. My paw touches his cheek; my thumb holds up his head. "You still have a lot to learn, Duke." 

He's shaking. How sweet.

"Being killed is not the only way someone can die."

He looks confused. "What do you mean? How else am I supposed to die for you?" 

I grin and dig my claws into his skin. He doesn't even flinch. "That's right, Duke. You're going to have to die. However, getting killed is not the only way to die. And remember, you're dying not just for me. For us."

"Okay. For us. I'm dying for the both of us." 

I loosen my grip on Duke. "According to the plan, there's an alternate route we can take. Technically, I will only need your soul for us to be united as one person. Soulless can stay and die in your heart, and we can leave the rest of your body with it. In other words, your body can stay together if I can think of a way to separate your soul from your body." 

"No, I want my heart torn apart. I want to see Soulless destroyed, not with the rest of my body. I want Soulless to get out of me."

I stare directly into his eyes. "I only need your soul. Your body will immediately die when your soul escapes it. Killing yourself, or someone killing you, is unnecessary." 

Duke wraps his fingers around my wrist, and my paw goes off his cheek. He glares at me. "Hypocrite. You're nothing but a filthy hypocrite, Fierdan." 

Night Crow flies away. 

"You want me to die, right? Then why are you suddenly against me getting killed? Isn't that what you wanted, Fierdan?"

My gaze doesn't waver. "Your soul, Duke, your soul is all I need." 

"I thought you wanted to see me kill myself. I guess I was wrong."

Not knowing what to say, I just continue staring at him. Not as fiercely though.

"Ugh," he mutters as he kicks up some black goop. 

It takes me a few more minutes for me to gather what I want to say. "I never said that plan is wrong. I'm just telling you that's not the only one." 

Duke? Did he really leave just now? Wow, you've got to be kidding me.

I sit down again, this time with my eyes closed. 

It's too unrealistic to happen. 

I'm too attached to you, my creation. 

Too fond of you to let you go. 

Sorry, I only make things worse for us.

I just want to know if you can die...

By love. 

By me taking your soul out of your body myself.

It won't happen though. 

You always want to do things the most violent way, right? 

It's okay. I won't stop you from getting unnecessarily hurt. 

DUKE

"Duke, Duke!" 

A voice. I can't tell who it is. 

I'm drifting off again. 

Nothing. I have nothing. I have no one.

I can't even trust myself. 

Calliah was right. Who am I to trust Fierdan? He can't even answer a simple question. 

I can't trust anyone. I can't trust her.

What if she's actually been driving me to the Tall Tower this whole time? Was I too blind to notice? 

You've hurt me. You left me with scars. I hate you. I love you. 

I can't trust myself. 

I loved dad. I hated you, mom. 

Now you tell me he actually hates who I am? 

Fierdan, why do you have to take everything good away from me? 

I want to die because of you. Now you don't want me to die. 

Who even are you? 

I don't know myself at all. 

"Duke!" 

That voice again. 

"You're shaking, dear."

I open my eyes. It's Calliah, my mother.

I let my head go back, and I look at the car's ceiling. Gray. 

"I'm sorry I hated you for so long. I hated having to, in a way, be Fierdan's mother. I hate him, Duke, so I'm sorry." 

All these sorries. Sorry this, sorry that. Empty apologies. 

I slightly nod my head. I remain leaned back, imagining the gray ceiling is a black sky scattered with stars. 

"Mom, where are we going?" I ask, my voice sounding distant. "You're not lying to me, are you? You're not taking me to the Tall Tower, right?"

"No, of course not. You can trust me, Duke. I swear."

If only gaining your trust can be that easy. 

"I've done so many bad things." 

Calliah faces me. "That's okay, Duke."

I face her. "No, it's not okay." 

It will never be okay. 

I only end up hurting people, or I get hurt myself.

Twinkle...

After all I've done, how can I carry on living freely? 

I have the feeling she knows. 

That I lie to her again and again.

I told her I love her.

What kind of person does that? 

Only a few days after kissing her, I go kiss someone else again and again.

I haven't said anything, but I know she knows.

Remove any body part of mine that hurt her.

Get rid of me.

I told her that hurting herself is bad.

That not wanting to be alive is bad.

And yet here I am doing just that.

What kind of person am I? 

A freaking liar; a freaking hypocrite. 

That's all I'll ever be.

I don't feel the car moving. Didn't she just start driving again? 

"Put your sunglasses on, Duke," I hear her say. 

I put them on. When we're outside, I grab onto her paw. 

Phantoms. Phantoms are everywhere. 

"Where is everyone?" I say, looking all around me. I don't see a single fox anywhere.

"The center of fox territory has been taken over by the phantoms," Calliah says. 

"So we're all the way back home, huh?"

She just looks at the cloud of phantoms in the distance. "There's no home left to go back to."

"Then how did you and the guys in the suits drive out of here? Isn't the Tall Tower nearby?" 

"We had to drive through phantoms."

I nod. She lied to me, didn't she? She's only here to break me. I'm not going there. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

I let go of her paw. I run away from her. I head straight for the phantoms. 

I'm no better than a phantom. I'm just another one of them. 

They disappear as soon as I run past them. 

I suddenly stop. 

No way...

"I thought I wouldn't see you again, Duke." 

Speechless, I can only stare at them.

Calliah stands next to me. I feel weird. With her by my side, I feel safer than being by myself. 

Oh gosh, I missed him so much. 

"Finny," I breathe before stepping closer to him. 

He says my name. He hugs me. He's so happy to see me. 

They're all so happy. It makes me feel sick. 

I'm leaving soon. I have to die soon. I don't care what Fierdan, or Calliah, says. I'm going out my way. 

I get pulled down by the weight of guilt. I'm not even going to tell any of them. They don't have to know a thing.

I step back and take notice in the two other foxes that stand next to him. 

I growl under my breath. It's those two. They hurt her far more than I ever did.

Calliah grabs onto my paw. "Be respectful," she whispers.

Before I can say anything to either of them, they start throwing questions at me.

"Where is our daughter?" "Is she okay?" "How is she?" 

Twinkle...

I'm so sorry.

I can't answer any of their questions. I don't know what to say. We haven't seen each other in weeks. 

I can't take it anymore. I start running off again. Behind me, I hear Calliah apologize for me.

I can't understand their words anymore. I'm so far away. 

I don't care anymore. I let the orange flames come out. 

A minute later, I'm off the ground. 

I let my wings take me away.

I face them, and then I leave them all again.

CALLIAH 

"Whoa," the three of them gasp in unison. 

"What's with him running off when I ask him about Twinkle?" her dad asks.

What to say, what to say...

"They've been through a lot," I tell them.

"We're just so worried about her. As a mother, don't you feel the same way?"

I can't relate to them at all. I just nod my head.

I cut Finny away from them. We talk in whispers. 

After a few minutes, I tell Twinkle's parents that I have to leave. 

Their facial expressions look so worried. Concerned parents. Yet again, I can't relate.

I run down street after street, passing many phantoms along the way.

"Duke, where are you?" I call out to the sky. 

What did I do wrong? 

Everything.

I find him. 

Walking with a wolf pup. 

ARDERE 

I smile at him. So this is the Duke? 

"So are you telling me you know where Twinkle is?" he asks.

"That's right. I do!" I say happily. 

He doesn't look like he likes happiness that much. 

"And you have an Elemental Power yourself? You, a wolf?" he says, rolling his eyes.

"Yep, I do! Lightning." 

"Cool."

We walk in silence for a while. 

One day, you'll love me like a brother. 

I'm sure of it. 

However, today is not the day.

TWINKLE 

Guilt is tearing me apart. What if he knows? How would he react after finding out? I was wearing his jacket. 

Why did I do that? 

You want people to have their breath taken away when their eyes lie on you. You want people to feel something other than pity when they see you. You want to mean something. Twinkle, you want to be just like Duke. You want to be like him so much that he can only notice you. You want to be his other half.

Halves. Fire. Hot orange. Cold blue. 

I want to escape this, but no matter how hard I try I can't. At this point, I can't understand why I feel that we have such a connection with each other. After everything, that close connection is still there.

You and Duke are like non-biological siblings. One fire from Zios; one fire from Mira. Orange and blue. A sister; a brother. You two are so similar and yet total opposites. Your connection is very complex. Always complimenting each other's half.

I bite my lip. I go to Dawn.

"What is it?" she yawns.

"I need something to calm me down. Perhaps you could make me some of that tea you always seem to make for Duke?" 

She stretches and smiles. "No, just take a nap."

A nap? You've got to be kidding me, Dawn.

I end up taking a nap.

The same mysterious music is playing. This time, however, it sounds as if only a piano is being played. 

My eyes flash open. 

An empty ballroom. The room stretches out in all directions. It never ends. It just goes on and on. 

Something in my heart tells me to dance. I step onto the dance floor. 

I haven't danced in so long. Have I ever danced? What am I even doing? 

Minutes pass by. 

I don't know why, but I feel like leaping into the air. 

Going down, I feel very different. My hair feels shorter. I'm wearing a pale blue dress. 

Right before I step onto the floor, I go up again. Two blue fire wings. 

A toe touches the floor, and then I go up flying again. 

I even let myself fall headfirst before letting my wings pick me up again. 

I spin and flip in midair. 

I feel incredible. Nothing, and no one, can stop me now. 

Then the music slightly changes. 

Someone else is here. 

The next thing I know is being swept off my feet. Not by my wings this time either. 

He's in a red tuxedo. His orange fire wings make him able to fly higher and higher. Even when carrying me.

His eyes are entirely black. He opens his mouth but doesn't say a word.

We dance together, yet we never say a word.

Some time passes before I lose count on how many times we flew up and back down again. 

One time before we go down, we kiss. 

We separate. We fly in opposite directions. 

Then we meet on the floor. We kiss again.

He leaves in orange flames. 

I wake up with my heart racing. 

I tell Dawn that my stomach hurts. This time she makes me a cup of mint tea. 

It tastes so good. 

I'm not going to sleep again. 

I want to say the dream disturbed me, but I enjoyed it. 

Why am I like this? I don't want that. 

I lie down at night looking at all the stars. 

um

Hi.

Yesterday. Has been a day. What a day.

Not everything's bad though.

For example, TV shows. New episodes. Mm, good stuff right there. I'll live for shows.

They're nice.

I don't feel like posting all the time anymore.

Like. What is there to post about?

I'll be watching more episodes in the meantime.

Also. School stuff is getting harder. Again.

Heh.

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I'm still very insecure about my drawings and writings. I can't stop it, gah.

errorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerrorerror

Trying to fix the errors.

Will be fixed soon.

I'm thinking of going back to writing, so maybe the only posts I'm gonna type for a while are just writing posts.

Um. Bye.

hehehehehh

Hello! :) 

Haha yes. I posted a new chapter on a Tuesday. 

I didn't have to do homework on Tuesday because I didn't have school the next day.

On Wednesday, I went on a field trip to a different art museum. I had to take a lot of pictures for the assignment I had lol.

I like being in the city. Way better than staying in the school building all day, that's for sure. :') 

Since we all know I love suffering, I recently read a lot of old chapters again. Man, I sure lacked paragraphs. The occasional wrong word being used. 

I wonder how the original commenters are doing. Them reading the story now. Oh boy, what a thrill. Someone said they let their little sibling read it. Them reading it to Chapter 54? Oh boy. Boi.

I started listening to the music playlist I have dedicated to Twinkle's Story again. Haha, still love the songs though. Rip me.

I vaguely have story plans again. This is so exciting, guys. 

My writing still sucks though lol.

I even drew the two of them today. 

It's the two! Omg! 

I don't remember the last time I actually posted a Twinkle's Story drawing online. I have so many unfinished sketches of the characters in my sketchbook. To never be finished. Rip unfinished drawings. Rest in pieces. 

All I know for sure is that I changed my style on how I draw them. Not by much. Just a little bit.

Gah, I really like how I drew Twinkle. I really liked how I drew Duke too, but the coloring ruined it. Me drawing Duke and coloring it in don't go along well. But like. I can't just leave him not colored in. Because that would be weird. 

So yeah. I drew this today lol. My art isn't the best, I know. Heck.

Nope. Not a scene. It might be? I don't know yet. 

I have lots of unfinished drawings that are from scenes in the more recent story chapters (which means chapters in the 50s). But I don't like them enough to finish them. 

That's how Twinkle looks now. With wings too. So that's how she looks in Chapter 54. Ok yeah. 

Duke's not wearing a shirt for some reason. There's a little black in his wings. Oh boy buddy. Damn it, his eyes look blurry here. 

Maybe Twinkle's wearing his jacket. I don't know either.

I have a lot of sketches of Dawn and Fierdan. I just don't like how they look. I know I only post drawings of Twinkle and Duke. Sorry, ahh.

I feel good today. Did I make it obvious? I don't know. Do I sound different when I'm feeling bad? I don't know. 

.......

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Now we finally know why he was killed. 

Like ok guys. Calliah is a pretty bad person. But now. I'm starting to really like her character. Soulless-possessed Fierdan forcing her to hate and be cruel to Duke. Both of them having to suffer because of that. In the end, the tables are turned. Ones he thought loved him actually hate him. The one person he hates the most actually loves him the most. Everything's a lie. Duke and Calliah's conversations. Hahahahhhhhh. 

Heck, time for Cutepups to shut up. 

Bye lol.

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 54

FAUNA 

I enter a room while tying my hair back. Thoughts are too much to handle. Too many things. I know too much. I shouldn't know. Why did it have to be me?

I need a break. Let me sleep.

I sit down at the couch. My head is pounding. Putting my paws against the sides of my head, I close my eyes. 

There's a way out. Everything is fake. Everything that we all think is real is fake. It's nothing more than a game played by the gods.

The barrier is called the Jamaa Mist. Like a mist, it makes it foggy to see beyond the farthest star in our world. 

The world we call Jamaa. The land of freedom and diversity. The vast country of different ecosystems and types of animals. 

It's all so small in comparison.

And it all connects to one person. 

Fierdan.

He was one of the only people who knew about it. The Jamaa Mist. The barrier between the world we thought we knew and the real one. 

But when you enter Jamaa, you can't escape. You can't leave. You're stuck forever. 

Fierdan told me that. If we could escape, I bet he would have a number of years ago. 

But he didn't. 

He can't. Not until the task is completed. Then not only can he leave, but the rest of us. 

It still was shocking seeing such a dark character be with me, such a light character. I thought he tried to kill me or my sister. I thought I killed him.

I guess we both can't truly die as easily as we both initially thought.

My eyes suddenly open. 

I see a guy sitting at a table at the opposite side of the room. His bright eyes stare me down. 

"Hello," he says, "let's play a game." 

I reluctantly get up. "What is it now, Eternal?" 

When I reach the table, he places a box on it. Dust comes out. I cough. 

"Chess," he says with a beaming face.

I look at the box. What even is this?

"Chess?" I say, watching Eternal open the box. 

Out comes a board that's decorated in a black and purple checkered pattern. Then a set of various shapes. Half of them are white, and half of them are black. 

He organizes the figures so that half are on his side and half on mine. 

"Let's play."

I feel so stupid right now. 

"Sorry to break it to you, but being blind has made me unable to play this game you call 'chess'," I say.

Eternal, however, completely ignores me. Instead, he places one of his white figures onto a black square. 

I copy him. Picking up the same figure that he did but in black, I place it on the same square he did on my side. 

Several minutes later, he looks up at me. "All phantoms and enemies to society deserve to be punished. Every rebel deserves death. Don't you agree, my sweet angel?" 

I push my chair back. "My name is Fauna." 

I leave the game behind.

I hear Eternal from behind me. 

"You forfeit? I guess that must mean justice is the winner. Meanwhile any traitor has been brutally defeated." 

I walk closer to the door. 

"Justice shall prevail!" 

I gulp and exit the room. 

DAWN

Wow, how could I forget? He's in there. Of course he is. He has to be.

"Twinkle!" 

"Ugh, what time is it?" she says as she gets to her feet. 

I smile. "It's sunrise. Dawn." 

"Haha, very funny. You woke me up just to tell me that? How fascinating." 

I grab her paw. "There's a place we haven't checked yet." 

"Where?" she yawns. "You know where he is?"

In defeat, I say, "Well, I'm not certain. But hey, it's worth a try!" 

It takes us a little while to reach it, but we reach it nonetheless. 

"A shack? You put him in a shack? Are you serious?" Twinkle says, rolling her eyes. 

I don't answer her. Instead, I run to the door. I open it as fast as I can.

I step into the shack. I flicker on the lights. 

I don't find Duke anywhere in the small building. I do find his clothes in a pile on the floor. The black ones. 

Leaving them there, I exit the shack. Where could he be? He better--

Oh no.

"Duke is such an idiot," I mutter under my breath. Louder, I say to Twinkle, " Duke left the place. He's no longer here." 

Why did he abandon his black clothes? I would expect him to leave behind the red clothes. I have a lot of questions for him, that's for sure. 

The next thing I know is seeing Twinkle exit the shack holding the black pants, shirt, and jacket in her arms. 

How could he leave his jacket? I conclude that he must have been expecting to come back. Something prevented him from doing so. Or, rather, someone. 

I can't help but stare at the jacket. The jacket of the concealed black flames. 

Twinkle takes off her own and wraps it around her waist. She drops the shirt and pants to the ground. 

I look at her. She doesn't look back at me.

Instead, she bites her lip. 

She puts her arms through the sleeves. 

Looking up away from the ground, I see her eyes flash a bright blue. Those blazing blue eyes. 

I don't know why, but I feel scared. Twinkle is wearing the jacket of black flames. Aren't they dangerous for her? Can only Duke wear this jacket? Others may have touched it, but what about wearing it? 

I feel stupid for not knowing. 

I feel stupid for not doing anything when he had the glint of death in his blazing amber eyes.

He's crazy.

I'm crazy.

What even is normal? I lost that definition long ago.

I focus back on Twinkle.

She is smiling. 

TWINKLE

I can't really find words to explain why I decided to put on Duke's jacket. The thought just came to me. And by impulse, I acted on it. 

All I want is to be Duke's counterpart. Anything to be his equal. Me, not this stranger dressed in green. 

I want to be a blue version of him. 

As soon as I find a pair of scissors, I'm cutting my hair off. 

I want to be him. No, more powerful than him. My Elemental Power is more important and powerful than his. Than his and Dawn's combined. 

I hate how everything is focused on him. Everything has to be about him. Nothing is ever about me. No one gives a darn about me. 

He once called me a star. The voices in my head have referred to me as a star on multiple occasions. 

I deserve to be treated like a star. 

I'm a star. A blazing ball of light. I'm important.

I deserved to have so much more than this. My life deserved to be better. I deserved so much better.

And then just like that, it happens. 

The ice blue light that shoots out from under both my shoulders feels different this time. For one, it doesn't feel like ice. It feels like fire. 

The wings move just as smoothly as Duke's do. They don't bring me any warmth though. I still feel that familiar chill in my spine. 

Ice and fire. Both in one. 

The cold fire feels so refreshing. My tail being free feels so refreshing. Everything is so refreshing. This feels great.

I extend my wings out. I let the tips of my fingers brush against the middle of the wings. 

I laugh. "Hey Dawn, having an aerial-based Elemental Power feels incredible!" 

She looks up at me. No, over my head. "I bet it is."

Dawn hesitates before taking a step back. "Your hair, it's..."

With a feeling of panic, I ask, "Yeah, my hair? What's wrong with it?"

Taking a moment to collect her words, she says, "It looks brighter. It's as if it's glowing blue. Other than that, more parts of your hair look orange. Mostly at your roots. It looks beautiful, Twinkle." 

I smile bigger. The next minute, Dawn knocks me to the ground and tears the jacket off me.

With it come the wings. My blue wings go away as soon as the jacket is off of me. My eyes and hair feel dull again. I sigh in disappointment.

"Thank goodness," Dawn says, "that was a close one."

Confused, I question her. "A close what? Why did you do that? Could you leave me be instead of ruining everything for me for just once?"

Taking a step away from me again, she mumbles, "Oh, I was just keeping you safe."

I urge her to explain what she meant by that.

"I saw the tiniest bit of black begin to appear in the wings. As well as in your eyes. And, you know, black. You know what that means, don't you?"

I nod. Of course I do. Black flames. The most toxic flames. The flames of instant death when come in contact with.

Dawn continues. "Black flames mixing with your flames just spells disaster. Yours are just about twice as powerful as Duke's regular orange flames. Ice-fire. Blue, the hottest color, resulting in having the coldest fire. Even I am not certain on how powerful and dangerous your blue flames are alone."

Still holding a grudge, I nod. 

Dawn picks up the clothes. 

"Let's go."

DUKE 

Throughout the car ride, I've been avoiding looking at her. No, this isn't painful. It's very uncomfortable though. 

I keep the sunglasses on. I refuse to take them off. The scenery we pass by looks unnaturally dark because of the sunglasses, but I don't care. I'm not taking them off.

I should just open the passenger door and hope another car comes to run me over.

I hate how I'm too much of a coward to. 

"Duke, come on. I don't mean you any harm." 

I lost count of how many times I already heard her say that during this single car ride. 

I can't take it anymore. For the first time, I speak back to her. 

"Just so we're clear, Calliah," I feel good inside watching my mother wince as I call her Calliah instead of 'mom', "I'm just staying in this car with you because I don't value my life anymore. No, I don't completely trust you. Yes, I'm still hurt and not suddenly over all you did to me. I don't forgive so easily. Especially not to you." 

After a minute, she admits it. "Okay, that's okay. I don't deserve an apology so suddenly. I'm just so, so sorry for being bad to you. Being me, I should have been a better person. You deserved to be protected by me. I am so sorry."

Wait, what? 

"Hold on, what do you mean? Protecting me?"

Calliah grips the wheel harder. "I'll tell you at a later time."

After hours of keeping the sunglasses on, I take them off and place them in my lap. "No, tell me now."

She sighs. "It's not a good time, Duke."

Being the stubborn person I am, I say, "No. You'll better tell me now or else I'll kill you right now."

I grin after I say that. I wanted to see her dead for so long. But to kill her myself? It feels amazing.

She laughs. I did not expect this response. "You? Kill me? You're funny, Duke. I thought you saw me injure those two in the navy blue suits back there. Last time I checked, I'm the one with the weapons. You, I'm afraid, have none." 

My face feels hot. "Yeah, and I'm the one with the flames. Black flames at that. Which could be fatal to the slightest touch by someone who is not me."

Calliah continues laughing. "Yeah, but my Dukey sweet, you aren't wearing any of your black clothes. Your black jacket isn't on your body."

My jacket? Oh shoot, I must have forgotten it. The thought of someone other than myself wearing it makes me feel as if there's a knot in my stomach. 

Then I remember. If I remember correctly, the first time black flames appeared was when I stood naked in front of a mirror. 

Well, technically the first time was the Night of the Black Flames. But apart from that, I think that was the first time my wings turned fully black. 

Hearing her call me 'Dukey sweet' makes me want to choke. It leaves a vile taste in my mouth.

"I could have made flames, including black ones, appear even without clothes on. I could easily take my shirt off right now, and make black wings shoot out."

"Stop trying to scare me. You're only embarrassing yourself."

I swear under my breath. 

"However, you could take your shirt off. I have to talk to you about something."

Feeling offended, I exclaim, "What? No!" 

Calliah parks the car at the side of the road. We're still in the middle of nowhere. Great.

She looks me in the eye. "Duke, listen to me. Fierdan alone is still an evil being who likes to take advantage of you. He loves to be the victim. He still refuses to accept that he killed lots and lots of people."

I interrupt her. "Yeah, I know. He blames it on Soulless. That piece of- you know what- has been controlling Fierdan and made him kill all those people. In fact, they made him create me. I know it all already. Soulless lives deep inside my heart. Soulless is the worst."

"Yes, Duke, Soulless is terrible. But you don't have to be so stubborn and refuse to believe that Fierdan is also bad. Duke, he hasn't told you everything. That is how he is taking advantage of you. Did he tell you about a plan he had that involved him and you meeting in person?" 

I nod. How does she know this? I have no idea.

"I bet he didn't tell you this. You don't have to kill yourself in order to defeat Soulless and make your soul be with Fierdan's again. Duke, you don't deserve to be forced to commit suicide for the greater good."

I look at my feet swinging back and forth. "No, that's the only way for it to work. There's this special ritual and a special weapon is involved and it has to be at my heart where the flame mark is. And who said I wanted to stay alive? I want to die, okay? Okay, mom? Your son wants to die."

Before she says anything, she gives me a hug. She doesn't let go. I feel myself starting to panic, yet this feels nice. So this is a mother's hug. What a foreign concept. 

Her breath warms my neck. "No. Oh gosh no. It's not okay. It will never be okay. I'm only starting to be the mother you deserved to have. This can't end so quickly."

"Since when did you ever care about me? You suddenly pretend to care when I tell you I have, and want, to kill myself? What the heck is wrong with you?" 

She still does not let go of me. I am thankful for that.

"There's the option of getting a heart transplant. You could get rid of your heart in exchange of someone else's. Then you can stay alive."

"And who in their right mind would give me their heart? You? I have to be dead so my soul can combine with Fierdan's in order to be able to leave Jamaa. Yeah, that isn't an option. We can't afford to stay in Jamaa. None of us do. We're all in danger. Even you, mom."

"Alright, alright. You still don't have to die by suicide. I could kill you instead. I've hated you for so long, you've hated me for so long, it shouldn't hurt that much. Besides, I'm part phantom too. That makes it even better."

That option actually makes me think about it. That could be an effective option. Murder instead of suicide. It could work.

I have to make sure it's okay first. I need Fierdan's permission first. I have to meet with him, so I guess that's important. Isn't it? 

Calliah is part phantom. Huh? 

"Why do you think you have the phantom flame covering your heart? Why did you think I was the only one who could see it? Why did you think I refused for your father to see it? Why did you think I killed him? I had to- for our sakes!" 

Wait, hold on, what? 

"I killed him. I'm a murderer too. You know him, right? Working with the fox government, having extremist views against phantoms and anyone who opposes the government. He was beginning to know too much about me. But more importantly, about you. Fierdan has a bad reputation in Jamaa's history. People feel unsafe knowing there's a living Fierdan- you- among them. People don't want history to be repeated, so they want you to suffer and die. You aren't safe, Duke. You're in danger. If I hadn't killed him first, he would have definitely killed you already. Duke, I love you so much. I really do. I know you don't believe me, but I really do mean it. Eternal couldn't afford to stay alive on my watch if he knew both his wife and son have phantom characteristics in their blood. And, oh gosh, especially you. Fierdan was like the leader of the phantoms. He made them turn evil and against Jamaa."

I am at a loss for words. She killed my dad because he found out my whole identity, making him suddenly start hating me? 

He's against phantoms. I'm a type of phantom. Mom is also a type of phantom. And why is that? Those two. Of course. Soulless and Fierdan. 

He's against rebels. I'm a type of rebel. So is Twinkle. Dawn also is. Who knows how many more. My best guess is everyone who has an Elemental Power is automatically someone my father despises.

Oh shoot. Fauna is one of them. She lives with him up in heaven. 

The idea of someone hating Fauna makes me want to hurt that someone until they can't stop bleeding. 

And I'm the one who took part in killing her. I killed her. Yet the idea of anyone hurting her doesn't settle well with me. I'm such a freaking hypocrite. 

No. I can't live with the thought of someone hurting the ones I love.

No one can hurt them more than I can.

I won't allow it.

I'll gladly kill anyone who even tries.

Calliah tells me to take my shirt off again so she can look at the phantom flame on my heart. This time, I take it off.

With my right paw on my heart, I breathe in and out. And then the flames come out.

The orange gradually turns black. But this time around, I like that. 

Her reaction at seeing my black fire is priceless.

After a few minutes, I get rid of the flames. 

I think I'm finally beginning to be able to control my flames. 

I smile and give my mom a hug. 

I even tell her this.

"I love you."