I Live!

Hey, it’s ya fool back again! 

(I’m the fool. Yes.) 

... I had a little nosebleed this morning. *smh* 

Anyway, I’m still alive. I survived. I’m apparently still living. So, huh.. I guess that’s a good sign. 

I went to an airport this morning, went on a flight by myself (not with anyone in my family), and arrived at the airport close to my school (the college I go to). Then I took an Uber to go back to campus and yadayadayada now I’m back on campus (sadly :c). 

I was so nervous about all that lmao Cutepups tries new things— (uh ok whatever idc- viewers @ me). 

The weekend was good. I had a good time. It was nice. Ah yeah. :) 

It distracted me from thinking about how crappy college is making me feel these days. : ) 

This point in the semester sucks so much, omg I can’t deal with this, screw school I just wanna run away~~

The spring semester seems a lot harder course-wise than in the fall. Like everything seems so much harder. Ugh, I hate this! :( 

I have so little motivation, inspiration, and energy to do my coursework (for the classes where my grades are dropping/have already dropped). And like, huh, that’s very bad. This is not looking so good, fellas. 

.... anyway. Social sciences are hard. These classes are hard. I’m struggling. Help. 

I’m so far behind. I still didn’t do those things for next semester/year. Ahahaha, I’m probably so screwed. So uh.. dang it (lol). 

I missed 2 of my 3 classes today because I was either at an airport or on an airplane. I made it back in time to make it to my last class. 

..... Why am I telling you all this? wtf-

Eww, tomorrow is Tuesday. Am I prepared at all for my classes? Heck no! 

I’m already late assignment-wise. I’m always late now. What’s going on? I just don’t know, my dudes. 

Oh gosh, I hate being back. I’m at that point where I’m just dreading nearly everything about my college/campus life. And I feel the stress kicking back in again and *insert a long and exaggerated “ugh” here*. 

Will I return with another post soon? Who knows, not me. 

~ Cutepups 

PS: Typing that out (“Cutepups”) feels so strange to me now..? Not sure why lol. It’s like.. huh, I’m only called Cutepups on here. This is the only place where I call myself Cutepups. It’s based on a dumb username I had for a kids online game (AJ). It just looks and sounds so weird. 

Cutepups. Dang, that’s such a weird name. 

In other news, I’m pretty weird. 

Ok, ok. Bye for now. 

oh hmm....

... huh. 

I thought I was going to write all that down with it looking.. less ugly? idk. But then I got too tired to care. 

(eww ugly writing eww) 

Anyway! Guess what? 

I got another nosebleed on Thursday. So uh.. uh..... I’m a wreck lol. 

I have to wake up at 7. In the morning. And I’m still up writing another garbage post on my trash blog. Lmao. 

Ok so, I went home on Friday. Again. Like I did last week. 

Because.... 

Me and my fam are traveling that long-ish car ride to Where My Brother Goes To School to attend his college graduation. 

Woopee :•) 

... I’m stressed about Monday so much. :( 

I also felt kinda sick (or maybe just in pain? what’s the difference? lol) on Thursday and Friday morning. 

But since I got to see my Thelma cat again, I felt better and less tired and.. dead. So, uh... thanks, Thelma. 

But I’m leaving her in the morning. :( 

And I didn’t get to see Sunshine because she’s not home. :( 

I got to see Zo tho. :> (hehe~)

(that’s my other cat. he randomly meows when he’s alone in rooms because he’s a lonely old man.) 

Oh yeah lol. Ignore what I said about me usually getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I counted wrong. I usually get 6 and if I’m lucky, a little over 7. 

Ok maybe I do get 8 on one of those weekend days. Maybe. That’s a possibility. 

I’ve been thinking of making a post just with YouTube videos about Certain Topics.. but I obviously have not. 

(Omg I’m so bad at typing right now. “anulbthr” “Sundune” “YouRube” ... umm wtf) 

“Me and my fam” isn’t proper grammar but idc lol I just don’t care I am carefree I don’t care about— ok ok, no, we’re not finishing that sentence thing. 

... damn. I really am weird. 

........... yeehaw yeet yike!!! 

Until the next time that I shall return....

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

not poetic. don’t read as such.

not poetic. don’t read as such. 

thanks in advance. 

—————

I took a nap earlier but still at night, and I ended up sleeping a lot longer than I anticipated. So now it’s 4 am and I’m awake. 

The rest of this post is going to be a disorganized rant/vent. I’m not intending on sounding poetic here, even to my poetry style standards. 

I’m going to use “bad words” so if you don’t want to read something filled with them, then just ignore this post or just suck it up and deal with it. 

I guess the topics are of “sensitive content” so uh.. keep that in mind. Or whatever. I don’t care. 

I feel like I haven’t made a post like this in so long. Ok, ok. Honesty with Cutepups at 4 am- let’s go! 

———————————-

You know what? It’s really saying something. 

It’s really saying something when your family is (or at least “acts”) more concerned about the other people in your family than you. 

And by that, I mean my family at me. 

Ok, pause, let me just add. I’m really only focusing on one thing. It didn’t happen for a while, but it’s really bothering me now for some reason. 

The other day, I gave myself a long look in the mirror without my glasses on and then with my glasses on again. By the time I did that did I fully realize how much of a wreck I am. 

Like, lol, it’s so funny how I look pretty obviously unhealthy. It’s not just “irrational thinking” or whatever the fuck. It’s so obviously physical, and the fact that no one points out how close to death I look.. lol I think that’s saying something. 

Shit, hold on. Here’s more of an explanation. 

I go see my family usually once a month since I’ve started college. I usually go home. 

(By family, I mean my parents and sister. And usually my grandma too.) 

So that means they see me pretty often. 

(Ah fuck, I’m tired again.) 

So anyway my point is I physically look tired all the time. Even if it looks like I’m “energetic” or “happy” I always am tired. Honestly at this point, if you can look me in the face, and think I’m doing “fine” and that I’m “healthy” (even just physically and not counting mentally), then not to sound like an asshat but.. you must be very fucking blind and not know shit. 

Lol I really shouldn’t have to explicitly tell people word-for-word to let them know I’m not doing so well in the health department. I really shouldn’t! Especially my own family members! Fuck! 

So, here are some things about me: 

• I usually sleep between 6 and 8 hours a night on weekdays, 7 for the most part. I feel like I’m unable to sleep more than 8 at once. 

• For me, 20 minute or less naps are completely fucking useless. They don’t help me at all. I can’t fall asleep to any degree in under 20 minutes, even if I am completely utterly exhausted. Like, that’s just not happening with me. You want to know what I do when I try to take a 20 minute or less nap? I don’t sleep, I don’t rest, I end up feeling more restless, I’m not less or more tired than before I took it, I just end up lying on my bed with my eyes closed wishing I could just get some fucking rest but only end up wasting time I could be doing any possible thing by lying down with my eyes closed and not doing anything and I hate it— 

• The dark circles under my eyes are huge. I only just realized how obvious they are when I took my glasses off and looked at myself the other day. Like.. shit. I knew I had them for months now and that my eyes feel tired no matter the time of day, but I didn’t really know how bad they’ve gotten. Damn, it’s pretty scary. 

(I think I should get more sleep. Especially right now since it’s nearly 5 am. But oh well!) 

Ok so here’s my point to all this. 

Every time we (my family) get to see my brother in person after not seeing him for a few/several months, the rest of them always point out how tired he is/looks and how they’re concerned for his health and yadyadayada. 

And I bet I sound like an ass. But like. They only do it with him. Not with my sister, not with me, just with him. 

And I just find it so funny that they practically blurt out their concerns for him that he looks so tired all the time whenever they look at his face. Especially when they look at his eyes. 

Lol I just don’t get it, man. I really don’t. 

Is it because he drinks alcohol a lot? Is it because he has his job and internship in addition to going to college classes? 

Like.. what the fuck is it? 

Hey, hey. Hey. In general, I sleep less hours per night than he says he does. Just because I spend a lot of time alone in my room doesn’t mean I spend a lot of time sleeping. When I look at him and then myself, my eyes and face look a lot more tired and unhealthy as hell than his do and does. All the damn time. But do any of them talk to me about how they’re concerned about my health/wellbeing? Hell no! Who gives a shit about me? I just go to my classes at college; I don’t have a job or internship at the same time. Why worry about me? I don’t even have a fucking job! 

I swear I could literally collapse in front of my parents in exhaustion, but they would ignore that and point out with parental concern that my brother needs to take care of himself more because his eyes look oh just a little tired. 

Fucking hell. This is bothering me so much. I can’t. 

I’m really only referring to physical appearances. Nothing more.

Moving on to something else. 

Physically, I’m doing so badly, you guys. I’m starting to get pretty worried about my body physically. And it’s weird because I’m not even thinking of mental health when it comes to it. 

Here’s some disturbing Cutepups life fact. My nose feels congested pretty often. Yeah yeah, no big deal, it’s allergy season. I get that. Hey, it’s normal. 

But here’s where it gets pretty weird. Lately when my nose feels the most congested, I blow my nose to get rid of that awful feeling and end up with blood on my tissues instead of mucus. Like you would expect it to be mucus causing my nose to feel so stuffed up? But no lol- it’s my blood. 

Ugh, I also feel like I’m exaggerating when I write down stuff regarding my body. Like I’m exaggerating the extent of my pain or whatever. So I have to remind myself that I’m not. I’m not lying about this. I wish I was. But I’m not. And.. well, I’m scared. 

I don’t get blood every time I blow my nose. But it’s just that when my nose feels more congested than usual, I ended up having blood pour out of my nostril (only one of them I think? so.. huh) recently. And yes, I do mean pour. The last time this happened with me, a lot of blood fell out of my nostril. I had to use several tissues because each of them would get covered in red in a few seconds flat. 

Damn, I really wish i was messing with you guys. But I’m too tired to lie and make shit up like that. When I write posts about my pain, I’m telling the truth. Yeah, this shit is disturbing and terrifying, but it’s the truth. 

I just.. don’t know what to do? Like it’s pretty obvious this isn’t normal. 

Go to the doctor? Uh.. well.... idk. 

I don’t think I can go to one until the semester is over and I’m back home. Which isn’t for another few weeks. And this has been going on around once a week or two for around a month. So...

And to put the cherry on top for all this body fuckery, this past week I got nosebleeds more than once a week (one day a week). 

Umm hey, are frequent nosebleeds something bad? Lol, asking for a friend, thanks. 

At college, my nose would bleed in my dorm. Which is on the 10th floor. So ok, that’s not too bad. It’s just because of the height. No biggie. 

But then I came home (which means not living 10 stories or higher up off the ground), and I got 2 or 3 nosebleeds during the weekend. 

So uh.. huh. huh... 

And now my family knew that I got at least one of those weekend nosebleeds. 

Not because my nose was bleeding during the car ride. No, not that. But because a few minutes later while we were all at grandma’s house did my nose start bleeding again. 

Ah, haha, ahahahahaha. My body is so fucked up at this point, holy shit. How am I not dead yet? I seriously wonder that more and more as each month passes. 

Omg it’s 5:30. 

Now I’m going to guess potential comments! :^) 

@ me, Cutepups: 

• umm wtf lol 

• go to the hospital 

• you just love to make me worry about you *smh*

• damn 

• lol your family tho bruh 

• this post isn’t even about animal jams :/ 

• something something related to aj 

• i’m genuinely concerned/worried about you ;-; <3 

yeah idk what else. 

(change my mind) 

I won’t get into it now, but I’ll end it with this. 

I’m pretty sure my brain is broken/damaged. And yet, I question whether I am or ever had mental health problems. 

Like ok. If I actually didn’t have something wrong happening with my mental health, then my brain and body wouldn’t be the way they are. 

Damn it. I was passively suicidal nearly every fucking day of my junior and senior years of high school. Especially the latter year. 

And yet (yet!) I still question myself on what I’ve been through as something normal. I know it shouldn’t be something normal, but I can’t help to think it was. And I hate being like this! 

I have no motivation left, and I’m in the middle of academic burnout, but finals are coming up. and my grades are dropping and I can’t seem to care and I don’t care anymore and I know I should care but I just don’t. 

My memory is damaged. My nose is possibly damaged. My brain is probably damaged. My body as a whole is damaged. And that must mean I’m damaged too. 

It really fucking sucks!! 

..............

Bye. 

Where The Lost Go (class assignment)

Where The Lost Go

After “Harlem” by Langston Hughes

Where do our lost memories go?

            Do they fall out

            like raindrops from a cloud?

            Or fade away like a child—

            Who is not loud?

            Do they drift like waves out to sea?

            Or dance and fly over us—

            like a hardworking bee?

            

            Maybe they just disappear

            like a meaningless thing.

            Or do they become nothing?

-------------------------------------------------------

For an assignment in my creative writing class a while back, I had to write a poem in the style of Langston Hughes' poem, "Harlem". And so, I wrote this.

I received good feedback on it from my classmates and professor. I'm pretty proud of this. Oh and I also got an A+ on it.

I wrote it back in March and edited it at the beginning of this month. And I'll admit it- I've been thinking about my poem's theme for a few months now. (memories, lost memories... yeah.)

- S.

-------------------------------------

poetry. poetic. poet.

I was thinking of posting this earlier. Oh well, you guys can read it now. (gosh, finally!)

<3 

happy birthday to my best blue girl

I have to leave for class really soon, so I gotta make this quick.

Hap birth
Happy birth
Birth
Happy birthday

*cough, cough*

Happy birthday to my best blue girl.
Happy birthday, Twinkle.
Happy birthday, Stella (aka Twinkle).

*cough, cough*

https://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/04/happy-birthday-twinkle.html

(Twinkle is an original character of mine who I love so freaking much.)

uh what else..?

hmm....

I don't really draw my characters as anthropomorphic animals anymore, but I actually like how I drew this one. Mid-70s chapter arc Twinkle. Yes. 

uh hmm.......

Here's my Spotify playlist for this character. It has lots of more songs than the last time I posted about it.

mm music 

(is it who? or is it whom? will i ever know for sure? idk lol)

... never mind, i can't find any more drawings of her at the moment. oh darn.

Ah, I really have to go now. 

ok yeah bye

mermelada de animales (se habla español)

... sí.

Hoy fui en mermelada de animales. Es aburrido. ¿Por qué hice esto? No sé.

Cuando vaya en mermelada de animales (caramba, ese nombre es escalofriante), yo sólo decir palabras aleatorias. Ya que es el día de la tierra, yo decidí visitar mermelada de animales. Ah, Cutepupos clásicos. Ah sí.

Tenía que decir en mermelada de animales. Es muy importante.

-------------

..... thanks to spanish dick dict dot com. (don't look that up)

I was bored and decided to search up what "Animal Jam" is in Spanish, and I got "mermelada de animales" as my result. So, uh, that's why.

........... ok fine i'll translate (bets on the spanish being completely inaccurate lmao).

... yes.

Today I went on Animal Jam. It's boring. Why did I do this? I don't know.

When I go on Animal Jam (yikes, that name is creepy), I just say random words. Since it's Earth Day, I decided to visit Animal Jam. Ah, classic Cutepupos. Ah yes.

I had this to say on Animal Jam. It's very important.

-------------

umm uh ok

oh yeah.

In class today, I learned that the part of the post title in parentheses translates to "Spanish is spoken".

wow ok

yeah.

-----------------------------

....... this was all so random. out of nowhere, i decided to go on aj i guess.

uh umm uh umm uh umm

Random phrases and words with my cursed Precious creature avatar! :D

(oh god why tho)

It's very important. ;3 uwu owo 

You're welcome. Precious gave us all insight. Thank you, Precious. 

(umm wtf is this post?)

don't judge me, hypothetical blog viewer.

Then I went to Sarepia Forest in Aldan. Which took a few tries, mind you.

The last time I went on AJ, I couldn't say "yeet" but now I can. XD

Everyone there was talking about how bored they all were. I said this as a response ^ lol. ("we're all bored here in sarepia forest land"- Cutepups, 2019)

Then I did this Spring Egg Hunt because.. Easter happened.

I got some items and returned to my den.

Precious out there saying random sociological fact. *shrugs*

I also took an online quiz called "can we guess if you're male or female?" or something like that, which yeah was stupid, and my result was male. I guess I'm a boyo bongo boy now, fellas. Girl who? Female who? No. According to this online quiz totally based in gender stereotypes, I am obviously a male human. (like ok damn, wish i had male bod :/ tsk, tsk)

@ Cutepups: seriously, wtf? 

More pictures:

It's true. The class gap is bigger than ever before. It's terrible. 

Economics.. huh. :/ Reading that book for class.. huh. :/ The essays I have to write... h uh. :'(

Yeah, I got it from the Egg Hunt thing.

No, I didn't get the orange and yellow lamp and card things from the Egg Hunt. I got that from the Chinese New Year Adventure thing. 

--------------------

In other news, the meeting was shorter than I thought it would be. It was pretty simple. I guess. *shrugs*

............................ ok but seriously though--

I wish I Booger/Bogspit (Blogger/Blogspot) had the option to change the URL and name of an existing blog. But I don't think that's possible. 

Occasionally, I kinda want to blog about AJ again. But.. gosh, the game really is so boring now. Like, there's nothing interesting about it. 

Every time I go on, I just act awkwardly and occasionally say random words and phrases for entertainment. 

It's much better when people I've known for a while are logged in though. Because hey, conversations are pretty cool.

I check this blog every day. I never have to type in the URL on my devices (my phone and computer). Honestly, there are some days when the blog name never crosses my mind. So when I remember it again, it kinda feels surreal to me. Dang, this blog is really still called "The Jamaa Mist" huh? Oh geez yikes lol.

A friend created the current blog header/banner and signatures I use. So what you see on the top of this blog isn't by me. I didn't make that. 

Since I don't know how to even begin to create a new blog banner on this computer, I've just decided to keep my friend's one up. 

If I ever do end up making a new one, I'm not sure if I'll have it say The Jamaa Mist. I might call it something else. And in a smaller font, I'll type something like "ignore the url" or something like that. Actually.. idk.

I've debated quitting this blog and moving on to another one. But.. idk.. I just can't. I'm still too attached to this mess of a so-called blog. 

It has so many memories. 

ugh idk 

I feel bad because based on my blog name it looks like this is an aj blog but that was only during the start of this blog and the majority of my posts are me rambling about personal stuff or stuff about my story project that's definitely for a mature audience and not for little kids who play animal jam and uh yeah--

Sorry for deceiving. :c

I'm just a fool.

Oh and yeah uh.. I use profanities in my posts when I feel like it. I don't bother censoring them anymore. And when I do, I'm censoring them intentionally and not only because "bad words" but it's because I have my weird reasons. 

It's kinda nice logging in to AJ to see my den. I have mine unlocked. My username is cutepups522. Check out my messy den lol. 

Bonus if you send me a Jam-A-Gram. Because hey, I wanna know if people who regularly go on AJ still read my posts even though they're not about the game at all.

Actually, I don't even know how to react if I found out that's true. I really don't know lmao oops.

Or you could, you know, leave a comment. (lmao that's wild, cpups XD)

Sorry, I had to get all that off my chest. 

Now if I could only take off these lumps of fat on my chest... *cough*

Hasta luego~

~ Cutepups

Kittens in the Garage

It’s April 22nd. It’s Monday. ... *sigh*

My birthday’s in a month. Wow, I’m getting old.

Earth Day on a Monday. ... *sigh*

I’m back at college. Duh.

Eww, it’s Monday. :/

............ a n y w a y s

I’ll be at an airport at this time next week. Or on a plane. Something like that.

Uh..huh—

I felt sad and angry recently, so I might post more of my classic emo poetry soon. :-}

Also, uh...

I’m reading your comments. It’s just that.. well.. *sigh*

I usually check my Blogger stuff on mobile (that means my phone), and I still can’t comment signed in to my Google account. I don’t like commenting when I’m not signed in.

So anyway my point is it’s taking me a longer amount of time to comment because then I have to get out my laptop and use that and ugh it’s work and I hate this—

(sigh, sigh, sigh)

a n y w a y

I took pictures of some of the kittens in my garage.

(hmmm hhhhfffghgh,,,,, babies,,, kitties,,, <3 ;w; :3 <3)

I think this one’s the best kitten picture I took. 

Yeah, the back of the garage is a mess. Like, it’s a total mess. Haha.. yikes. 

I think this one’s the runt of the litter. 

Uh.. I love it. Kitty baby looks beautiful. 

Beautiful kitties. I love this random new cat family. 

I don’t even know what my family’s gonna do with them. 

Fortunately, their mother still checks on them. :’) 

... this whole thing was so surreal. like ok, there’s a cat family in our garage now. how long were they here? we have no idea. apparently, the kittens are around a month old..? huh.. 

What a weekend. 

Happy Earth Day! Mondays suck! I’m going to a meeting later and now I’m a-stressin’.

I have so much to do this week. This week might as well kill me. I’m tired of writing essays. Everything is so hard. :( 

*screams internally eternally* 

bye lol  

updates + notre dame (old)

Hi, I’m back. :)

I decided to go home yesterday, so I’m spending the weekend at my house instead of at college. Because it’s holiday weekend. Passover and Easter. That’s happening. It’s just a regular weekend though. Still have classes on Monday.

(I came home to celebrate Passover lol)

I heard from my sister and dad about a cat and her kittens in our garage. So when we came home (they picked me up from the bus stop), I got to see the kittens. They said there are 5 kittens in total. And then later on I saw the momma cat. The kittens and cat are either out in the open and in the middle of the garage, or they’re hiding away somewhere in it.

So uh.. coming home and seeing that.. wow lol ok. My family just saw them that same day.

I’m just like. Wow huh. That’s so wild. There’s a cat family in our garage. Huh.

Even when the garage doors are closed, the momma cat can enter the garage. Cats are magical beings and I love them. Wow.

We’re keeping our distance from them. Because that makes sense.

(Omg they’re so cute and tiny and omg my cat-lover heart)

And as for the links I put in the last post, they’re for writing my characters (ok not really,, kinda??). But some of them are things I wanted to read personally (not related to my characters).

Uh.. hmm.. words.

*mind blanks out*

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

I referred to Notre Dame (you know, that cathedral in Paris) in my poem.

oh god, notre dame is burning. / the world is burning. / everything is burning.

Then a few minutes ago, I remembered I took pictures of it from my trip to France over the summer.

I have pictures of Notre Dame on my phone.

(... am I interesting yet? ooh ahh—)

Here look:

Cutepups photography! (ooh ahh)

(I might write more posts soon but idk lol)

Bye. 

hmm..... reading

.................. ok. 

Here are links to stuff I’ve been thinking heavily about (for various reasons). They’re readings with lots of information (well.. duh). I’ll just copy-and-paste with the full URLs (so you can get a hint of what they’re going to link to). 

Personal reading/to-read archive. A place to organize. It’s a reading list. Yeah sure, I guess that’s it. 

.... unrelated- today’s initiation into my Greek life org. (ooh ahh oooooh ahhhhh) :D 

(lol that doesn’t fit the context of this post at all but whatever this is my cursed blog swamp) 

.... I’m so busy later today, and I’ll probably regret staying up to create this post. Haha, oh well. 

ok ok ok-

hmm, hmm, hmm........

*throws these out into the void just for myself but if any of you catches one then that’s cool i guess* 

... wait what? 

(yes.) 

—————————————

https://beyondmeds.com/2013/04/24/living-with-suicidal-feelings/

https://www.vox.com/conversations/2017/1/19/14266230/empathy-morality-ethics-psychology-compassion-paul-bloom

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/the-3-types-of-adhd

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd

https://www.verywellmind.com/relationship-between-ptsd-and-psychotic-symptoms-2797525

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324354.php

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/acute_stress_disorder.asp

https://www.valleybehavioral.com/disorders/ied/signs-symptoms-causes

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3021497/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC60045/

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/depression-damage-and-regeneration-the-effects-of-hippocampal-atrophy/

————————————

uh ok

yeah umm 

well.. that’s something to read. 

good night.

3. blunt

you want the truth, huh?

well okay, whatever you say. 

i’ll be blunt with you. 

if someone brings up romance 

in an in-person conversation,

there’s a chance that i will 

zone out and no longer pay attention 

to whatever they’re talking about. 

yeah, i know, that’s probably rude

but i simply can’t bother 

putting energy into caring.

because “aro, aro, aro” plays on repeat 

like a chant in my head 

whenever anyone brings up anything 

related to romance (well, outside of fiction)

and no,

i can’t relate to a word they say. 

stop pushing assumptions about romance 

onto me like i can share my romantic experiences 

as if romance is something universal.

i’m an aromantic fool

so jot that down. 

i (used to) wish i could love like you

and only recently did i learn 

that it’s okay 

if i can’t love like you

because i’m learning how to love in my own way.

she said she’s jealous of my body

yeah, okay, sure.

but don’t complain 

when you realize

my mind and body 

have become my enemy. 

she said my legs are nice 

and that she’s jealous of my body.

you want to live in my body, you say? 

good luck

(living with a brain with its default setting on death).

some days it gets so bad

that it feels like my ribs are poking out of my chest

that there are weights pulling down my arms and legs 

that my stomach was constructed incorrectly 

and my brain is probably cursed. 

and on some days 

i hear more intensely than others.

if i hear you 

chewing

or, what the hell, 

even breathing 

too loudly for my sensitive ears 

i’ll imagine myself doing 

any damn thing to shut you up.

stop making so much noise 

i hate that, i hate you, i hate myself.

stop breathing

or i would have dreamed of me 

doing terrible things to you. 

sorry but 

it’s too late. 

well, would you look at that? 

everyone around me is planning their future.

well, fuck my life, i suppose. 

i’m still incapable of planning my future

since i never planned on having one. 

they think i rarely get angry 

that i don’t get mad

but that only makes me more angry

and i am full of anger now. 

there’s an unhealthy amount of hate 

inside of me.

and the truth is 

i’m rarely happy. 

so fuck off with your awful assumptions 

please and thank you. 

i’m a monster.

i can’t be saved

nothing can save me

nobody can save me 

stop pretending you know me when you don’t 

because you don’t know me at all. 

i can’t be redeemed in the end 

i’m too far gone. 

haha what 

what do you mean? 

people usually remember memories from their childhood? 

and in vivid detail too? 

even the happy memories? 

are you joking? 

... why can i barely remember anything good at all? 

... why can’t i remember a damn thing? 

... what the hell is wrong with me? 

well... fuck.

i find it harder to concentrate these days

and i can’t focus like i used to. 

stimulate me, entertain me

i’m more robot than human. 

these movements are robotic 

and i swear i’m not living 

because a ghost is in control of this skeleton. 

none of this is making any sense

i’ve lost my logic a while ago. 

this is no longer a poem

it is a thoughts dump.

but screw it all,

i’ll post it anyway.

i hate her and i don’t know why. 

i hate my thoughts so much

i... 

i don’t know what to write anymore.

i’m so tired of living 

life this way /

here /

life.

but to be honest,

all three answers are completely accurate. 

i’m holding a knife

and the blade is 

blunt.

let’s slash our throats with a blunt knife and see what happens. 

maybe that will shut us all up for good. 

2. un-romance

yeah, i’ll do it

i’ll do it for you

don’t you worry.

i’ll write romance

i’ll write about lovers

i’ll write those little clichés 

with my little twist. 

as long as it’s fictional

and nothing more.

that is a threat. 

———————————-

short, bad poetry from yours truly~ 

1. Return of the Aches

[these numbered posts are going to be poems for napowrimo even though the month is already half over] 

———————————————

the body aches and pains returned 

to this shell of a body 

my damaged soul possesses. 

they’ve come to tear myself apart 

yet again.

is this déjà vu? 

last year’s april? 

i thought it finally ended.

i guess i was wrong. 

i have a desire 

to be thrown back 

into the fire. 

cast me down 

into a hell i don’t believe in.

just get rid of these

aches and pains. 

oh god, it hurts. 

maybe i deserve this. 

god will send me to hell

but i don’t believe. 

(i don’t believe

in anything at all.)

almost every body part

aches and aches and aches

just right.

i’ll rip off this 

pleasant human disguise

and you’ll find 

a monster underneath. 

i can’t pretend anymore. 

these lies are hurting my body.

i wish i could be human just like you.

oh god, notre dame is burning.

the world is burning.

everything is burning.

i hate mondays.

and tuesdays.

and every other day that ends in y.

but i really hate mondays. 

—————————

a poem i wrote very quickly to start things off.

i won't even pretend i wrote this on the 1st. it's pretty obvious i wrote this today (the 16th).

yeah idk. this one is just a bad mess. 

(of course i have to write about pain again- that's like my thing when it comes to my poetry!)

character thoughts (why tho, idk)

Wow, I am tired. So anyway, hi, have this bad quality post. Thanks. 

I have plenty of other non-story thoughts. But for this post, I’ll just focus on some (definitely not all) of my thoughts about my characters. 

Except for this thought: ok so. I have a new creative writing assignment. And this time, I’m actually stuck on how to do it. Like.. huh, I really don’t know what to write. 

Oh and this one too: I’m going home this upcoming weekend and the weekend after that too. ayy yay home baby!! 

....... @ brain: shush 

brain: ok 

Anyway, I was going to organize my thoughts better and write long posts about each of these thoughts I have about my characters. But hey, never mind that. Have this mess instead. 

I had these thoughts for more than 3 days. Wow. 

ok ok ok 

————————————

For a while, I’ve been thinking of Ryen as being generally emotionless. 

But then fairly recently I realized that might be actually pretty shitty for me to do to him. 

Especially since I’ve been thinking of him as one of my main aromantic characters. 

(and ayy, I’m aro too! *high-fives Ryen*) 

Because you know what? The stereotype that aros are emotionless heartless monsters is very, very bad. 

(me is aro,, “aroaroaro” is what plays in my head whenever irl romance pops up in conversation)

So my point is that I don’t see Ryen as being cold and emotionless anymore. Yay. 

-x-x- 

Sometimes I think ‘J’ and Ardere are very similar. 

But then I think more deeply about them. 

And I realize that they’re pretty different.

Perhaps.. a lot. Big differences between the two. 

-x-x- 

Ryen had/has anger issues. 

Ryen was/is traumatized. 

Twinkle was/is traumatized. 

-x-x- 

‘J’ is gay. 

Haha, that rhymes! XD 

He is. 

Yes. 

-x-x- 

I feel that lately I’ve been thinking a lot of the ‘J’ and Fierdan relationship. 

*glances at my playlist for ‘J’* 

Ok but seriously. There’s so, so, so much more to ‘J’ as a character than eventually being Fierdan’s lover. In fact, their relationship is such a small part of it. They don’t even become boyfriends until much, much later. 

‘J’ has a life outside of Fierdan. Surprise, surprise. 

-x-x-

I’ve also been thinking a lot about this Fierdan’s daughter concept. 

I have lots of thoughts about it now. 

Ok but- two daughters. Hmm. Hmmmmm—

Not too sure about that.

-x-x- 

Daughters. No sons. 

Having girls would disappoint Z the shit man. 

It destroys his agenda.

*cough* Z hates women. *cough* 

... that’s why I made Fierdan kill him. *cough* 

uh wtf does any of this mean, Cutepups? 

ah.. :’) 

-x-x- 

Daddy Fierdan though like what a concept huh 

;) wink wonk ;) wink wonk ;) wink wonk 

-x-x- 

I was planning on making this lengthy and detailed and quality post of my unofficial April 2019 list of the psychological disorders my main characters have. 

And then I didn’t make that post. Oops. 

-x-x- 

It’s Monday. 

Gross. 

:( 

-x-x- 

I have so much shit to say about this Fierdan’s daughter concept. 

It’s so damn complicated to explain. 

*sigh, sigh* 

What shall I do? 

I can’t think. 

-x-x- 

It’s probably not what you think it is. 

... he’s not always with her *cough* she visits him sometimes *cough* she lives with her mother (who, yes, becomes Fierdan’s girlfriend at some point) but Fierdan doesn’t actually live with them because *insert list of reasons here* ... *cough* this is going down the route of biological daughter btw oops forgot to mention that lol ... *cough* but.. problematique? 

-x-x- 

omg please read this 

ily fellas 

u rock! 

<3 

platonic love!! yeah baby!! 

woooooo

-x-x- 

Oh, oh!! 

Fierdan in his late twenties and early thirties. 

And he’s starting to calm down. 

Haha omg just imagine him going by Dan. 

That’s pretty wild. 

Him signing paperwork and doing adult stuff like bills and taxes and contracts and not that inappropriate adult stuff and where was I going with this 

Fierdan’s daughter’s teacher: *talking to Fierdan at a conference* What’s your name? 

30-something year old Fierdan wearing glasses and looking so official and put together and trauma doesn’t rule every aspect of his life anymore and he’s happy to be alive and no longer suicidal and fuck I might start crying—: Dan. 

Me: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck!!!!!!!! ;o; <3 omg! 

*collapses out of my bed and onto the floor* 

Holy shit, I love him. I am proud of my fire man. :’D 

-x-x- 

I can no longer articulate my thoughts. 

I won’t reveal the ‘J’ past content yet. 

That means content about his past. 

That means his childhood/adolescence. 

It’s my secret for now. >:) 

Damn, I love that kid. 

... wow, I type “that” a lot. I’m just like, “that that that that that that that that that that that—“

umm what 

that

:•) 

-x-x- 

Talk to me! Give me your thoughts so I can feed off them! 

I’m a gremlin. uwu 

... I have poem ideas! 

ok that means it’s time for me to sleep. 

g’night.

~ Cutepups

First Sentences from Unfinished Novels (class assignment)

Hi, I'm back to continue the pattern of a post about anything followed by a post about one of my creative writing class assignments. :)

The title of this post (minus the parentheses part) is what I titled my assignment for this. I'm only posting the assignments I have graded and got feedback from. I'm generally getting good grades, so I feel fine posting them on here.

They're my sentences. They're mine. >:-)

This assignment: Write beginning sentences for different novels, using a variety of genres and point-of-views.

But instead of organizing them based on number of syllables (8-12 per line), I'm numbering each sentence and retyping them so they look like regular sentences.

I'm so extra because I came up with non-generic names for some of the characters. And no- I didn't use any of my story characters. (I'm too much of a coward to do that lmao.) But I was thinking of some of my story scenes for a few of these. (*cough* 11 *cough* ;) heh heh)
-------------------------------------------------------------

1. Bullets were flying across the room, but Agent Lily Parker knew she had to get to the money first. 

2. She imagined him looking at her with his light blue eyes and dark hair; she blushed at the thought of it.

3. I opened my eyes and saw that the sky was green and the grass was blue.

4. You didn’t know what to do as he stepped out of the shadows; then the bomb landed at your frozen feet with a single thud.

4. You were daydreaming about your middle school crush of all people while you were in geography class; you answered the teacher’s question confidently with the date he first noticed you running late to class.

5. Alix and Reyes tapped at the controls of the spaceship, attempting to escape from the imperious Martian Army.

6. The queen of the elves entered the kingdom on a unicorn whose footprints left a path of glitter behind her.

7. We all woke up only to find our limbs tied up; I thought I was numb to everything but that’s when the buzzing started. 

8. Kade gave me a letter written in red ink; it was too late when I realized it was blood.

9. Buck entered the saloon looking for a fight- he was staring right at me with a toothpick in the corner of his mouth.

10. They sat on the roof, gazing up at the stars, discussing their plans on when they would set the world on fire and dance in the ashes. 

11. Flames danced in his eyes as he glared at me; I was ready to die at that moment.

12. Casper was getting bored of reality, so he drifted into the world of dragons.

13. Doctor Clark studied the fingerprints left behind at the scene of the crime.

14. Alyssa and Samantha got lost in the woods; the next thing they remembered was walking down a cobblestoned street in early 1900’s London as the clock struck twelve.

15. Tommy was unusual because he kept on dreaming of flying fish and giant puppies, but he was my favorite kid to babysit.

16. The little girl watched in terror as her father turned into a demon.

17. He was chasing down the criminal when all of a sudden, they turned on him.

18. Aris was in a panic when the alarms sounded off, telling him to evacuate the spacecraft, but he was far from Earth.

19. He woke up swimming in the ocean eyes of his long-gone lover from Atlantis.

-----------------------------------------

And that's all of them! 

Comment your favorite ones because I'm curious on what you guys think.

I tried to write horror, romance, comedy, action, sci-fi, fantasy, surrealism, mystery, historical fiction (? kinda), and.. I think that's it but I could be forgetting one or two. 

What do you think? Like, am I weird? Well, the answer is yes. But come on now. Talk to me. Give me your thoughts. That would be nice. :-)

My sentences are long because I'm so damn extra. 

Thanks for reading! :D

wow this song reminds me of her so much

Ok so I did plan on making several posts in the past 24 hours.. and then I didn't. Oops.

Huh. It's Saturday night. Today actually felt like a long day.

Maybe that's because I woke up early (before 8 am). Or maybe it's because the day started off cold and raining, and then it got warm and sunny in the afternoon.

Eh whatever, it doesn't really matter.

I went to a farm this morning. Did some community service work on the farm. It was rainy then, but it was nice being there.

We (the group I went with) picked up trash on the ground, picked up sticks (tree branches) off the ground and put them into piles, and used rakes to disturb the dirt (well, half of us did that including me while the other half covered the dirt with straw/hay).

Oh and we also tried some kale and green onion (which looked just like grass lol) that was being grown there. It was, uh.. interesting.

I'm in NY, close to NYC, and I went to a farm. Yeehaw yeet.

---------------------------

Here is one post idea I have:

I first listened to this song at least a year ago, but only a week or so did I realize that it reminds me of Stella (oops, I mean my character who's known as Twinkle) so much.

So much so that I now believe it could be one of her main theme songs.

Like yeah sure, it's a song based on The Hunger Games, but whatever.

*cough* Stella theme song *cough*

And yes, I'm saying Stella because that's her real name. Her actual name isn't Twinkle. (ignore my old story junk, it's mostly inaccurate now. 'k thx.)

It's this song:

Gone~ Beth Crowley 

Especially at the point of the song when she sings, "Fight or flight? Was the decision ever mine? It was never mine!" and then the instrumental part that immediately follows. 

Oh. My. God. That part- yes! <3 <3 

Haha, I keep on replaying that line. The more I do, the more I can imagine/"hear" Stella (aka Twinkle) singing it. 

Not to be overdramatic, but this song summarizes everything I want her character to be. It reminds me of her so much. (holy shit...)

Just.. yes. Yes. 

Oh and I don't just mean story 1 Twinkle. I mean her in story 2 and on as well. 

Stella didn't choose her messed up, chaotic life circumstances which were thrown at her. She couldn't really choose "fight or flight" when she was walking out with her sister the day she died. She couldn't really do anything as the supernatural (? or whatever word I'll use) dark forces blinded her (and every other human nearby's) vision, which resulted in her sister's death. Then later on, the same dark forces nearly kill her. And by that, I mean what I called "phantoms" because AJ influence from back in the day (haha yeah.. there's none of that anymore).

Now have some more lyrics from the song and how they remind me of her.

"My greatest love is gone. He might as well have died. An imposter wears his face, one I barely recognize.": These lines remind me of how Twinkle feels about Duke throughout story 1. On multiple occasions. Duke and Twinkle get separated from each other quite a few times, huh. I'm not sure about "greatest love" but they both did bring meaning and reasons to live into each other's life. And before Duke's body literally dies, he's pretty much already dead. Ever since his mind has become even more chaotic (thanks @ Fierdan, you asshole) with his ability to produce black fire, the old Duke seems like someone that's become part of the past. Even though like.. Twinkle and Duke were only really talking and getting close with each other for a few months before that.. but whatever. And of course with Duke's descent into corruption and insanity, he pretty much can look like an "imposter" and someone Twinkle "barely recognizes" anymore. 

"And something burns inside of me; anger eats me alive." Well, the emotions (yeah it's plural because I don't just feel "anger" from hearing it) resonate a lot with Stella, mainly starting from the second half of story 1. She becomes rather bitter and cynical, and it only grows as story 1 turns into story 2. She has every damn right to feel that way. After all the terrible shit she went through, of course she does. And on top of all that, she has the power to produce a combination of ice and fire. So, in a way, her anger can be fire, and it can literally be burning inside and consuming her from within.

The other "my greatest love" line reminds me a lot of her and Duke too. 

Yeah.. now I'm too lazy to mention the other lyrics. But they do remind me of her. Just saying. 

I can vividly picture Stella (Twinkle) singing this song to her "enemies" (not official story antagonists). People such as her parents, her school bullies, Taurel... and the antagonists/enemies of the main characters (the protagonists) in story 2 and on. 

Now that I think of it, this song also reminds me a lot of Twinkle in the next chapter (Ch. 76). When will I write that chapter? I have no idea! Damn, I wish I had time to! Ha, ha.. ok that's pretty sad @ me.

I love her so much. Don't you dare forget that. 

>:)

Ok bye.

Rhetorical Questions for a Cork (class assignment)

This is another (but more recent) assignment I had to do for my creative writing class. I titled mine "Rhetorical Questions for a Cork" because.. that was basically the assignment.

Once again, I had to randomly choose a word written on a slip of paper from a bag. The paper I chose had the word "cork" on it. Then (for the actual assignment lol) I had to write rhetorical questions based on the word ("cork").

And so, these are the questions I came up with.

~ <3 ~

1. How did he cork the drain at the bottom of the sea?
2. Why did the clouds cork the sunlight and its twin, the moonlight?
3. Can you give me the cork between your heart and soul?
4. Would you cork your identity to be accepted by the lack of humanity?
5. Will you please pass the grapes a cork to atone for your sins?
6. How many corks will it take to mask her pain?
7. Would a cork made out of honeycomb be as effective as one made out of tree bark and bones?
8. When did the corks fill up his lungs?
9. How many problems did a cork fix for them?
10. Was she afraid of the cork forcing her to conform?
11. Does a cork die when people uncork their wine bottles?
12. Do corks have that shape because they are a bottle's bullets?
13. Who did she see inside of the cork?
14. Did Alice get trapped between the inside of a cork and reality when she fell down the rabbit's hole?
15. Is a simple cork the strongest barrier between reality and the world we wish exists?
16. How many presidents cork the voices of their people?
17. How many trees were sacrificed to build a single cork for your bottle of sins?
18. Do wolves howl at the moon because they know that the moon is the cork of the sky?
19. How many more lives will end in order to strengthen the cork shared by the entitled few?
20. Why do we pour our emotions in bottles and cover each of them with a cork just to avoid the truth?

Yeah haha, that's my writing style. Being extra (and) deep with the majority of my creative writing class assignments so far. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I kept on bringing up "sins" (pfft haha).

The class before all that was due, we (as a class) had to read "The Book of Questions" by Pablo Neruda. It's full of rhetorical questions.

We had to read both the English (translated) and Spanish (original language).

About Spanish, I should start my online homework for that class. (eh..)

And on an unrelated note, I think I did well on my criminology test today..? I hope so.

Actually, have some more unrelated notes:

- I'm doing community service work on a farm tomorrow morning.
- I have a lot of post ideas in mind, and there's a chance I'll be making more posts in the next few hours.

Never mind, I'll just leave it at that.