3. blunt

you want the truth, huh?

well okay, whatever you say. 

i’ll be blunt with you. 

if someone brings up romance 

in an in-person conversation,

there’s a chance that i will 

zone out and no longer pay attention 

to whatever they’re talking about. 

yeah, i know, that’s probably rude

but i simply can’t bother 

putting energy into caring.

because “aro, aro, aro” plays on repeat 

like a chant in my head 

whenever anyone brings up anything 

related to romance (well, outside of fiction)

and no,

i can’t relate to a word they say. 

stop pushing assumptions about romance 

onto me like i can share my romantic experiences 

as if romance is something universal.

i’m an aromantic fool

so jot that down. 

i (used to) wish i could love like you

and only recently did i learn 

that it’s okay 

if i can’t love like you

because i’m learning how to love in my own way.

she said she’s jealous of my body

yeah, okay, sure.

but don’t complain 

when you realize

my mind and body 

have become my enemy. 

she said my legs are nice 

and that she’s jealous of my body.

you want to live in my body, you say? 

good luck

(living with a brain with its default setting on death).

some days it gets so bad

that it feels like my ribs are poking out of my chest

that there are weights pulling down my arms and legs 

that my stomach was constructed incorrectly 

and my brain is probably cursed. 

and on some days 

i hear more intensely than others.

if i hear you 

chewing

or, what the hell, 

even breathing 

too loudly for my sensitive ears 

i’ll imagine myself doing 

any damn thing to shut you up.

stop making so much noise 

i hate that, i hate you, i hate myself.

stop breathing

or i would have dreamed of me 

doing terrible things to you. 

sorry but 

it’s too late. 

well, would you look at that? 

everyone around me is planning their future.

well, fuck my life, i suppose. 

i’m still incapable of planning my future

since i never planned on having one. 

they think i rarely get angry 

that i don’t get mad

but that only makes me more angry

and i am full of anger now. 

there’s an unhealthy amount of hate 

inside of me.

and the truth is 

i’m rarely happy. 

so fuck off with your awful assumptions 

please and thank you. 

i’m a monster.

i can’t be saved

nothing can save me

nobody can save me 

stop pretending you know me when you don’t 

because you don’t know me at all. 

i can’t be redeemed in the end 

i’m too far gone. 

haha what 

what do you mean? 

people usually remember memories from their childhood? 

and in vivid detail too? 

even the happy memories? 

are you joking? 

... why can i barely remember anything good at all? 

... why can’t i remember a damn thing? 

... what the hell is wrong with me? 

well... fuck.

i find it harder to concentrate these days

and i can’t focus like i used to. 

stimulate me, entertain me

i’m more robot than human. 

these movements are robotic 

and i swear i’m not living 

because a ghost is in control of this skeleton. 

none of this is making any sense

i’ve lost my logic a while ago. 

this is no longer a poem

it is a thoughts dump.

but screw it all,

i’ll post it anyway.

i hate her and i don’t know why. 

i hate my thoughts so much

i... 

i don’t know what to write anymore.

i’m so tired of living 

life this way /

here /

life.

but to be honest,

all three answers are completely accurate. 

i’m holding a knife

and the blade is 

blunt.

let’s slash our throats with a blunt knife and see what happens. 

maybe that will shut us all up for good.