oh huh time huh

Finally, a post not about making avatars of my characters. 

...... Why am I making a post again? 

Well.. uh.... umm...........

June is almost over. It’s almost July. 

At this time last year, I was in France. 

That was a year ago. It’s been a year. 

Wow. 

Well, folks.. a lot changes in a year. 

.... haha oops. I still barely posted any of my pictures from that trip. 

According to my phone, I was at Giverny and Vernon on this date (June 29th) last year. 

I keep on forgetting to show my pictures. oof- 

...... The point of this post is to emphasize how much I obsess over the past. :-) 

.... sorry, what was that? what? ///////////-//////-////;-:/;///

And today, I’m going to a cousin’s party. 

So.. yeah ok. 

............. I feel like I haven’t been using this blog as much. Huh, this is a weird feeling. 

...... Picrew was like the only thing that entertained me the past several days. Maybe that’s why I’ve been using the generators on it so often lately. 

umm ok,,,,,,

Anyway, I think of my characters as being their own people. Like, they exist outside of the plot of a story. They have their own lives. Their poor mental health affects how they live. And it’s not just because of one event or even a series of events. I don’t think it’s just a plot point. 

I had that line of thinking for a few days, so I felt like just putting it in a post. 

that makes no sense, but ok. 

Disclaimer: Even though I think of my characters so much that I imagine them as complex people that exist outside of the story’s plot and conflict, I still don’t think they’re anywhere on the same level as real people that live in the real world. They’re fictional, but since they’re my characters they seem so “real” to me. I want to make their mental health struggles be as realistic as I can make them be, I don’t want to romanticize any of the... immoral content and anything regarding mental health/illnesses/disorders.... but that doesn’t mean fictional characters and real people can be comparable or be equivalent to each other. They are not the same. 

If you refuse to understand that, then I’m wary of you. 

................... uh ok well uh, thanks for that, random line of thinking I’ve had in mind for days now. 

That’s it for this post. Maybe I’ll return later. Who knows. 

Not me. 

~ Cutepups 

Mad Sad Bros- as working adults

By mad sad bros, of course I mean Ryen and Fierdan. XD

Using this avatar maker makes me think of them looking a little older than their (or around their) current ages.

It also makes me think of them having business jobs for some reason..?

(uh ok sure thing, cpups...)

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/19138

Ryen

Fierdan 

Omg what is this?! Ryen smiling and looking somewhat happy while Fierdan is not? That's so different!

Haha, I felt like changing it up. :')

Ryen is pleased to wear his business suit, but Fierdan is too tired to wear his tie and have his shirt buttoned up to the collar for the entire work day. (that's probably a run-on sentence, but oh well!)

Fierdan looks so annoyed and/or uncomfortable, and I find that adorable!

They both have dark circles under their eyes because they definitely never get enough sleep. *cough* they're both traumatized and depressed brothers *cough* like bro...

I like the lighting and shading features in this generator. I think it kinda makes their skin look more.. realistic? yeah idk.

...... If Ryen's eyes were brown, he would look very much like Z. (hmm :/)

oof-

Sometimes *cough* yesterday morning *cough* my body refuses to work the way I want it to, and that annoys me greatly. :/ 

I went driving on the turnpike today. (gotta go fast!- sonic)

---------------------------

.... bye bye-

when will these end? @ me

When will these end? I’m not sure!

*spams more avatars of my characters* yeet

haha! ok

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From this generator (again): https://picrew.me/image_maker/6324

Not the bad villain-like guys this time—/

It’s my fire man, Fierdan. (him? again? yes.) pfft. The avatar of him in this style in the last post is his formal Cincernum look. This is his formal look post-story 1. He has a hat now because he’s more classy now. This version is actually much older (at least a full year) than the Cincernum version of himself. His hair’s starting to grow long, as you can see. Fierdan in an all-black suit with a tie just looks big sexy to me. That hat makes the outfit better. And his fingernails don’t look like claws anymore. They’re still black though. I feel like Fierdan would rock black nail polish. And yeah, I have ideas that he would smoke. 

Meanwhile, here’s big brother nerd man, Ryen. I keep on making him look like a nerd in these things, haha. Hmm, maybe I made Fierdan have long hair so that there would be a visible difference between him and Ryen. But then I decided to make Ryen wear a different outfit. His nails aren’t supposed to be painted, but I wanted him to, you know, have visible fingernails.. so... 

And here’s J___ boi. Ok, I’m starting to hate how he keeps on looking kinda fem in all of my avatars I made of him. I mean, it’s hard considering his non-traditional hair styles, how he wears jewelry, has face tattoos.. and maybe he sometimes wears makeup, and he is wearing nail polish in this one. And he doesn’t really dress the same as Ryen and (usually) Fierdan. It’s a little funny because I keep on imagining Fierdan being more androgynous and looking more feminine-like than J___, but my avatars prove otherwise. 

—————————

Onto the next one! 

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/68244

Making the avatars made me think of a question.

Question: How would Fierdan and J___ be like if they first met each other in their mid-teens?

I think they look like teenagers who met for the first time when I’m looking at their pictures I made in this avatar maker side by side. 

*shrugs*

Fierdan in his mid-teens 

He scream,, he bleed,, he in pain,, ;~; 

Your hair’s becoming a kinda long mess, fire boy. 

(aka the worst years of his life) 

————

J___

A tired, struggling teen. From a part of his life where he was deeply unhappy and engaged in socially unacceptable behavior. 

His hair isn’t dyed yet. I like how it looks here though. It suits him. It feels natural, I suppose. 

He has “Jinx” as a nickname for a reason... 

I like having him be in hoodies. :) 

But why must he look so girly to me? :/ 

—————————— 

hmm yeah. the end. 

(for now lol) 

~ Cutepups 

lied- made some more

Oops, I lied. I'm not ready to post about That Other Set Of Things yet.

And so, I just finished making some more avatars of my characters.

(yeah heh,, this again....)

I also edited my recent posts where I used the website to create my character designs to include the generators I used.

So yeah. I think that's it. Let's get onto it, shall we?

--------------------------------

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/42843

Ryen 

Fierdan (post Cincernum)

~ on the road to recovery (from abuse, trauma, self-harming behavior) ~

and this dude:

J___

Yes, J___ is cis male. ♂️

anyway...

Ryen- my aro boy 

Fierdan- my bi boy 

J___- my gay boy

[story characters]

{my children who are all older than me in age}

...... why did I just type that? uh... 

Anyway, that Fierdan avatar is when he's older than the next one of him I'm going to show here. 

Yes, that is weird, I know.

-o-o-o-

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/6324

I got a bad guys vibe while using this avatar maker. 

(lol why)

>;^)

Soulless being a sexy demonic bastard smoking a cigarette.

Taurel in better fashion than what he wears in canon. His left hand is artificial, and he plans on using the syringe on Duke. 

Fierdan (Cincernum version) but dressed up formally. There's a question mark, which could mean he's asking Soulless, "What do you want from me, you f**king demonic bastard?" with the censors. He looks so composed, which is very sexy of him. He has a glass of red wine in Cincernum somehow, and his hair is down. His hair while he's in Cincernum is long, like the length it is here.

my cursed mind: *randomly thinks of Dream Daddy* umm-

what the-?!

(idk idk idk idk idk idk)

🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐

★☆★☆★☆★☆

⭑⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

me as an anime wizard figurine

Yep, that’s right. I also created an avatar of me as an anime wizard figurine.

From the same website I’ve been using. Yes, yes.

lol ok

here it is:

cool cool cool 

that’s me 

.......... omg the physical pain is real this morning. my entire head hurts and the ibuprofen I took didn’t help. ow.

If I feel better later, I might come back with a longer post that’s not all about these cute avatar pictures of myself or my characters. 

well, let’s see. let us see. 

umm what 

goodbye. 

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/22819

baby squad

That’s right. It’s time for the baby squad.

Same website as the last post but with a different avatar maker.

This particular baby squad is of my characters who had happy decent lives when they were babies. And the characters that I can actually create in the avatar maker.

Babies,,, cute,,,,,,, uwu

umm ok........

Baby J___ + dressed as kitty cat + holding cat stuffed animal 

I like how his turned out the most. Now onto the other two.....

Baby Ardere + dressed as puppy dog + holding teddy bear 

He doesn’t feel that good and/or he’s a sleepy baby. 

And now the last one.....

Baby Dawn + dressed as bunny rabbit + holding bunny stuffed animal 

,,,,, precious happy baby ,,,,,,, hhhhhhhhhh

.......... I only made three because there are only three stuffed animals available. Pfft-

Protect them at all costs before their lives go to shit! 

aaaaaaaaaa

......... No. I will Not bring up That Other Stuff in this post titled “baby squad” because it has nothing to do with babies. 

But I will include more of my phone’s predictive text or whatever it’s called. Is my phone going to end up calling me out again? Let’s find out! ;D

ooh ooh ooh I know-

Let me see what’ll happen if I start them with character names. 

yeehaw yeet ~~

J___ was a good one of the few days of sunshine and a little bit of sunshine and sunshine in the morning and the day after that I had a great time with y’all so much fun and nice to see you 

Ardere is the summer for the weekend and I wanna call you sunshine and sunshine I hope you’re having fun with your family and I love you too much bye 

(I mean.. I do call them my sunshine boys, and I’ve been hanging out with Sunshine my dog for the 

past hour or so.)

Dawn is going through the garage door and then there’s a dog outside and the house is still going to be done with y’all and then there’s my dog in the morning so I’m gonna is that what you wanna call 

me by the way I’m sorry I forgot to call him back 

(oh great, me typing “Sunshine my dog” made “dog” show up more often.)

Twinkle twinkle little star because I don’t know how much to get there to get it haha is the time of day that one day you want me to come over again and then again I’m going on my birthday and so I’m sorry sorry for that I love you bye 

Stella is the time of day that one is going through my hair and then my head hurts so bad sad face time for dinner tonight haha was my birthday dinner at the restaurant at the end of this evening and sunshine and I had a great time at work and it got me feeling worse about myself 

(omg what?! these kinda sound like my own thoughts. way to call me out, phone. *smh*)

Fauna was a really nice day for me to be home last year because of this game I love it haha is the way to you get me a gift card for ya girl lol haha lol I wanna call me when you get a chance call me when you get a minute please thanks bye for now let y’all know what time I’m thinking of going to the movies tomorrow night 

(why are my characters being described as days?! “lol haha lol” *laughs at that* also, “y’all” is showing up a lot and I find that funny, I’m sorry.)

Ryen has been a great time to draw my characters in the past two years and now it’s still straight away from the other people who don’t know what to do with them and they are just saying something like they are just so sad and they hurt me again because they don’t have anything else to offer but I’m not sure what they wanna call them so anyway my mom didn’t get too bad sad face but they still 

haven’t heard anything back from the other family members who don’t have any money 

(oof-)

Fierdan is the time to come home is the last time I drew my hair in the morning to see y’all today haha was my time of day today so much fun for y’all to do it haha was a great day to see you guys again soon bye lol haha is your birthday so anyway my dad is your day you want me and my family 

to get there so that you can have them and you get them done with me so that you don’t have to die if you’re not going to be there at all 

Duke is a good night for me to do something like this summer day and night and evening and then there’s my room at night so anyway my point is that I don’t know how much it would help me to get out of my life because I have to wake up at five and then I’m back at work so I’m tired and tired of being tired and tired of my emotions and my anxiety hurts me more than anything else I’ve been thinking about it haha is that the last one day that I wanna call you later today and then there’s my room in the house so I’m sorry sorry for your phone call you guys have no problem getting it to me and my mom was the time of day that I wanna call you bye love you guys bye love you too bye bye baby bye bye call me later today thanks so much for your thoughts on the weekend and sunshine and a great day and evening sunshine and I hope you feel better soon 

(ok I felt like continuing that one. ouch,,/)

I’m just gonna end up crying over that Duke one. :’} 

“and then there’s my room at night so anyway my point is that I don’t know how much it would help me to get out of my life because I have to wake up at five and then I’m back at work so I’m tired and tired of being tired and tired of my emotions and my anxiety hurts me more than anything else I’ve been thinking about it haha is that the last one day that I wanna call you later today and then there’s my room in the house so I’m sorry sorry for your phone call you guys have no problem getting it to me”

those bolded parts especially. well.. shit. that sounded like my subconscious texting me something. like?? ahh!! 

....... that made me sad. :( 

my phone: “sad” is always followed by “face” so it’s “sad face” which is :( 

remember,,,,,,, they’re Baby 

*loud but distant boom is heard in the background* 

ok bye

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/11529

awkward girls gang

Hi. It’s me. Cutepups. Yes. Hi.

I made more of them. XD

picrew.me

Oh yes. Yes.

This time on what is Cutepups doing with their life..........

I made avatars of my characters blushing, being awkward, and appearing to be terrorized.

Wow dang, that sure sounds like fun!!

#/awkward-girls-gang

hahahahahahaha

(let’s see what my phone’s text prediction thing has to say on this subject:)

1. Yeah that’s fine I’ll just be there at the house and the rest of the house and then I will be home right about the day and then there’s my sister going to the funeral home

2. I don’t know how to do it but I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to get there and I don’t know what to do about that stuff and I’m not sure if I can have it or not but I’ll just be there at like three

3. Oh geez what time y’all getting off work at midnight when you have time to get your car back in the morning and get it done now I’m sorry I forgot to tell y’all that I don’t know if you guys have been doing so well anyway haha is the time of day that we went to the restaurant to see what y’all had and I wanted to let you know that I had a great time with y’all

....... omg what the heck was that :’D lmao

anyway, here’s the awkward girls gang:

Human: Twinkle | Pet: Ghosts

Human: Dawn | Pet: hungry Cat begging to be fed 

Human: Fauna | Pet: Bunnies/Rabbits 

hhhhhhfffghh braids,,,,

I love these girls so much. 

@ my fellow northern hemisphere peeps: happy summer

@ those other peeps in the southern hemisphere: happy winter 

peeps candy is good 

i don’t like winter or summer 

goodbye

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/21165

omg-

guys. Guys. 

o m g 

omg

holy shit.

It’s....... it’s...................

........ officially been a year since my high school graduation. 

It’s June 19th.

wow

wow dang 

wow. 

That happened today, one year ago. 

.................. meanwhile I spent the majority of today wanting to cry but couldn’t and wanting to die. 

:D !!!!! life is GREAT!!! 

Will Cutepups return? Find out never! 

also, this happened earlier today:

me: logically, i know people would care about me if i die 

my phone: *autocorrects “die” to “die don’t” somehow* 

me: if i die 

my phone: don’t 

........ I then proceeded to read “deck” as “desk” and chat with someone about what I like to call Spirit-Cutepups-Dreams-About-Their-Own-Funeral TM and turned it into my special humor. 

haah haa haaaaaa aaa triple A

and today my neck has been hurting all day

and in the past few days:

- my ears have been hurting 

- used binary language (them zeros and ones tho)

- still haven’t gotten over certain recent youtube videos *cough cough ahem* pride month

......... haha! I wish I could actually get proper help without burdening my parents even more and giving them more reason to hate me and think I’m worthless when I already think I am!!

in conclusion, i am:

- stupid as frick

- dumb as frick

- a freakin’ frick 

- worthless 

- hopeless 

- a burden 

- there’s so many suicidal and intrusive thoughts stored up in this bad boy 

- an infinity number of points dumber than Both of my siblings 

- forgetten

- family members who don’t remember or call me by my name when they should know my goddamn name 

- oh, this doesn’t make sense? fuck off. 

- someone who might like... dare i say out loud in my head as i’m typing this on my phone... need medication/therapy/fucking anything at this point.

- someone who needs to take a blood test and having people figure out wtf is wrong with my blood this time around yeehaw yeet

- is it a vitAMIN DEFICIENCY?!?!?! 

- VitAMIN B, B6, B12

- “your tongue is weird! wtf is wrong with you [Cutepups]” 

- do i have a thyroid condition? is that it!!

- how much cortisol is in my blood or wherever it goes??

- high blood pressure?? am i gonna have a heart attack before i’m 30??

- hell if i know jack shit 

- fucked up. 

ok i’m leaving. 

ok ko 

+) - a very shitty blogger.

the rest of them

I kept on delaying on posting the rest of the cartoon avatars I made on that website.

That's the purpose of this post.

Ha, ha, ha... yeah.

From this website: https://picrew.me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's me! I like how it turned out. :)

That's.. also me. (+ the sparkles and the big OwO UwU eyes)

... wait, what-

Now onto the rest of the character ones I made! 

(I actually made these ones before the costume ones, but I felt like posting those ones first.)

lmao okay-

Twinkle- looking dead inside yet again! (omg why do I keep on making her look so sad/apathetic/depressed?!?!?). I don't like how the non-blue parts of her hair look in any of these, but I tried my best to be as accurate as possible for her.

(Ah yes, I'm suddenly in a rush. Can't you tell?)

Duke/Fierdan. Haha, he looks like a generic creepypasta character this time. He looks like a character from a story I never read myself but vaguely know the plot of. I added neck scars because that's edgy I wanted to, that's why. Those dark circles under his and Twinkle's eyes though. They are exhausted (of me).

Dawn. Is it just me or do the colors look unsaturated in this one? The eyes look too yellow-green instead of green. The color of her hair is a darker shade of brown. Eh whatever.

.... oh, huh-

The real reason Twinkle looks like that is because I made her wear random clothes I found while designing her avatar. A scarf and a tank top in the same look. Damn, that's fashion! She's tired of me, pfft.

haha ok. bye.

PS: I edited my Blogger Profile a little. 

oof-

EDIT- from these generators: https://picrew.me/image_maker/9889 , https://picrew.me/image_maker/17569

Thelma says aaahhhhh

... for Father’s Day.

Context: I was about to send my friends a picture of my cat, Thelma, on Snapchat because I just do stuff like that, but then she got in that position and opened her mouth. So then I zoomed in on her and took the picture.

Yes.

My lovely Thelma cat. <3

Yes!

She just.. does that. 

I’ve been laughing at this picture all day. XD

It’s a small scratching post. 

Th-Thelma?!?!

Today has been a good day. :)

And not just because of this. 

... am I tapping “enter” a lot to make this post longer? yes. 

I’ve had disturbing and interesting dreams recently. uhh,,,,,what-

haha #/yiKES 

(that’s pronounced like Nike. but with a Y.)

ok lol bye

(lol haha lol haha lol haha aaaaaaaa)

6/15 Sat.

The date: Saturday, June 15, 2019

..... omg it’s been 6 years now. and it’s a Saturday. 

Since what? My Bat Mitzvah. :) 

(my memory is so foggy from before 2014/15/16 though so idk much from 2013 hahahaha but-)

......... and I went to Friday night services. 

ooooooooooh *tries to find the special meaning in this somehow* ok. 

—————————

Wow, I spent the majority of the day on tumblr. 

HaHaHA Why 

I don’t think it’s hard for you folks on this blog to find mine. I linked it here before. 

ehehehehehehe

I post there more often I guess, so if you want more up-to-date updates about me, check me out on there. 

(it’s still a hellsite though.)

————————-

I actually woke up way before noon the morning after I published my previous post. 

Haha, that’s ironic. 

You can all see how much of a jerk I am by what I impulsively type in that good old stream of consciousness style. I sound mean in some of it, especially at the part where I mentioned my sister. :(

Writing down my honest feelings/moods helped me feel less like absolute garbage.

Venting helped. I think. 

Ironically or not, mentioning the suicidal ideation helped me..? I might go into more detail later, no promises. 

One last thing before I go- Friday and Saturday were good days for being around my parents. Things aren’t as bad (for now, anyways).

ahh, time’s running out! bye.

real talk.

Hi there. I have more cartoony pictures of my characters I made on the site I’ve been linking to lately’s avatar makers, but this post won’t be featuring any of those. Instead, I’m here to talk about some... other stuff. 

(Let’s be real here, chief. I haven’t been doing that well lately. As in, the past few months. Ha, ha, ha..)

[reader discretion- there will be mental health shit discussed. also, no filter.]

But before we go down that hill...

Did you guys just gloss over these things I wrote? 

(wording is edited to fit this better because I don’t want to add the extra context. lmao)

- J___: *think of a typical male YouTuber intro*

- Sparkle: Do I look like a joke to you?

- Duke: Are you bringing skit commercials back in town? 

- Duke: *stares at J___, then shrugs* Okay. *walks away* 

- Duke: *exits the room, immediately walks back into the room* Excuse me while I’ll— *stops talking* 

- Duke: I feel offended. Thanks for that. Bye. *doesn’t leave*

- the link to the original skit of Fierdan’s iconic pose 

(rolling down that hill now)

- I relate to them when I’m feeling the worst and my thoughts are irrational and violent and intrusive. I feel like my Duke/Fierdan side is coming through when I get my violent intrusive thoughts, and when I feel such a deep anger inside of me that eventually subsides to feeling so fucking empty that’s when I also feel like Ryen in addition to the other two. 

- I have the strangest trigger (triggers?). (yeah I know I write stuff about a variety of conventional sensitive content shit, but stuff that’s apart from all that generally.. screw me up. let’s just say that. and not like a #/triggered joke. those jokes can die.) 

- my mental health was very, very bad in the summer of 2016. Like, really bad. I’m still a little fucked up over what happened back then (and in late 2017 when my mental health deteriorated and I was extremely passively suicidal every day). Oops, I’m getting off topic. So what I’m trying to get at is that I think I was possibly hallucinating with the whole music thing that summer.

- I spent the majority of my senior year of high school being passively suicidal. I had suicidal ideation just about every day until 2017 ended (then I had it less often). (actually, I read some things from April and May 2018 and yeah oops.. I still had lots of suicidal thoughts then too.)

- Being suicidal isn’t normal, god damn it! Fuck!! And the times I tried telling my family (parents) that I wanted to die and felt suicidal they didn’t acknowledge what I told them at all. They still haven’t. They still don’t. And like.. hey, that’s pretty fucked up, if you ask me.

- it literally feels like I can’t function if I’m not distracted from my own thoughts. 

- But I still sleep a lot. (it takes me ages what feels like forever to fall asleep because when I have nothing to distract myself from my thoughts, it’s so hard to shut my brain off. and then I end up sleeping until noon/the afternoon.)

- I’ll be surprised if I don’t attempt suicide this summer. 

......................... ................ ........... ..... .... 

I mean, hey, I probably won’t. I doubt it, I really do. The closest I’ll probably ever do is doing that traditional type of physical self-harm. if that. 

But hey, if anyone out there thinks I’m feeling good because of the silly cute things I post (cue the cartoon avatars of my characters), then that’s really not true. I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for weeks. 

To cut to the chase, I still have lots of suicidal ideation stuck in my hellscape (I mean my head). It’s still a thing I struggle with, and it might have gotten worse..? 

For the past two weeks especially, I’ve had graphic thoughts of hurting myself nearly every time I’m completely alone with my thoughts. It doesn’t matter the time of day. Those aren’t the only thoughts I get, but the fact that they pop up at all even for a brief time is a bit concerning. 

I’m at the point where I really don’t give a shit anymore. Just a few hours ago, my parents invalidated me. 

Oh, let’s get into that. I’m pretty damn sure I’m the most hated child. Things have been going better with my mom, but with my dad.. I’m not so sure. I’m pretty sure he still hates me. 

Heh...

Apparently, whispering is the same thing as yelling. And are they ever aware when they are the ones actually yelling? Of course not. 

I don’t see the point in waking up. “what’s the point in waking up?” 

I’m sorry but fuck.. sometimes I want to physically hurt myself so badly (as in, there will be blood not just from periods or nosebleeds). They keep on refusing to see and believe my struggles (never mind how it’s practically impossible for me to even begin having a proper conversation about mental health and related stuff with them). I know it’s fucked up, but if I physically hurt myself and maybe attempt suicide (in a very shitty way that I know will fail but whatever), they’ll.. idk, stop treating me like shit verbally? idk. Do I have to hurt myself enough for them to listen to me and know how terrible I’ve been doing mentally for so fucking long now? Trying to talk and just use emotions isn’t working enough. 

Nothing is enough. Nothing I do is good enough. I’m never good enough, am I?! 

I’m losing my patience. Do I have to try to kill my self for them to “see me”? 

,,,, fuck—

During the day, I feel like I lack emotions. I go through the day like a robot. I feel so numb. 

The only time I feel somewhat alive is after midnight. I express an emotion after midnight, and I’m scolded and told to stop it and shut up. But during the day, I can’t really connect to my emotions at all. 

I’m only really awake in the middle of night. I feel like I’m sleepwalking during the day (as in, before the sun sets). It’s hard for me to wake up before noon, plus I don’t know the point in waking up at all anymore. And, of course, I get scolded for that too. Though they did the same to my brother who did the same thing. 

About my siblings... yeah, they both left. They’re not home. So it’s just me and our parents. 

Heh. 

They won’t come back home for a long time. From a few months to several months. Honestly, I don’t know. 

,,,,,,,,  oh no, I’m getting sad. what did I expect? fuck this..;;

why the fuck am I so scared of being alone with my dad these days? why why why why why why why why why why why why why 

.... maybe it’s because I was called a burden, failure, untrustworthy, someone who can’t be trusted, lazy, etc., etc. 

(by him). 

I really can’t let things just go, can’t I?! 

And if I try to talk about being depressed and depression, I already know I’ll be blamed and it’s my fault of course it’s my fault and it’s because of the environment and only the environment and that’s it. 

It’s always my fault, isn’t it?! 

No. Fuck this. Screw everything. 

I can just hear him saying something like “you won’t be so depressed if you got off your lazy ass and got a job” never mind how I’ve been trying to for weeks to no success (so far or ever) and the fact that I’m trying so hard not to give in to my suicidal thoughts that I had again since far before the college semester ended.

And that’s not getting into how he hated on my sister when he knew she takes anti-anxiety medication. He thinks of it as a bad thing. Something not good for her to be taking. Because it gets in the way of “more important” things. 

........ it’s just screwing me up. all of it. 

and I hate how I just want to yell at my sister. “What are you so anxious about? What do you have anxiety about? Being anxious about interviews and starting something new is FUCKING NORMAL. Does your anxiety affect your daily life detrimentally BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY ALL THE DAMN TIME AND IT FEELS LIKE I CAN’T FUNCTION AT ALL AND I ZONED OUT A LOT IN COLLEGE BECAUSE MY BODY COULDN’T REALLY HANDLE THE STRESS AND PRESSURE AND I KNOW I’M A FAILURE AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF—,” I hate it I hate it, I hate how I’m this way, I hate the thoughts I get, I know doing that is shitty, I know I know I know, but I just want to know WHY.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Do I have to (try to) kill myself in order for people irl (in my life, personally) to know I’m hurting? 

........ fuck. idk. I REALLY DON’T KNOW. 

also, can I just say. Seeing a lot of tombstones of 20 year olds at that funeral messed me up. 

In a year, I’ll be 20. I think of dying pretty often. I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I feel like, for my family, things will be better if I’m out of the picture. I feel like a burden and a waste of space all the time, and they sometimes tell me they think the same about me. Maybe things would be better if I never existed at all. 

What’s the point in waking up? What’s the point in trying? 

What is the point in all of this life bullshit? 

idk idk idk idk idk idk 

i’m sorry. 

costume version avatar maker

Yes, this again. Hi. XD

Continuing with the same site’s character design creator as in the last post, I have different characters of mine in random costumes.

I hope you like their looks!

... idk what else to put here ...

Ardere in his costume! Pfft, more like this is how I imagine him looking all the time. It’s in reference to back in the day when I still seriously considered him being a wolf pup. There are also paws because those are cute. He has angel wings and a halo because this kid right here is an angel when alive and dead. The hair on top of his head looks like a lightning bolt. Oh and he’s winking.

Dawn in her costume! Wow, this look is so cute! I decided to go for forestry vibes with her. On her head are deer antlers and ears, and in her hair are flower petals. They remind me of an aesthetic Dawn would have. There’s something with a leaf poking out of her mouth. And she’s holding iced coffee or chocolate milk. 

Twinkle in her costume! Oops, I keep on making her look sad/angry/hurt in these design things. I really wanted to use these types of eyes, okay? I decided to design her when she had long hair. This would probably have taken place not too long before she impulsively cuts her hair. Anyway, she’s an emotional wreck. Oh and for her costume, she has dog ears on her head and a tail. She’s a sad blue pup. 

Ryen in his cost— hey, wait! He didn’t dress up. Pfft. He’s not really one for wearing random costumes, I suppose. He’s technically dressed up since he’s wearing formal clothes. I mean, I guess? He’s holding a book because he likes to read (like the nerd that he is). 

And that’s all of them! 

I was so close to not creating a Ryen avatar and making another Fierdan one where he looks more serious. But I didn’t want to exclude Ryen in this. Maybe I’ll create a more serious Fierdan avatar later.

Also, I just decided. J___ and Fierdan are wearing matching devil costumes in the last post. Well, except that they’re wearing the colors that fit them better. 

So that’s what Ryen looks like. And, haha, this is what Fierdan looks like in a costume. He’s a devil. *coughs* *winks* these hecking brothers. bro..

Wow, this has got to be the most similar they have ever looked. Pfft. 

Yeah, I’m done now. Until next time..~

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/79516

he can be your "angle or devil" ;)

... did my brilliant post title catch your attention? it better have!

The context: I designed more designs of my characters on different https://picrew.me avatar makers. And I just think the title sounds funny.

I made these around this time yesterday. Between a quarter to 1 and a little after 2 am.

(I don't have a life, pfft.)

(I applied to more jobs, but I'm still a lazy fool who never tries hard enough. or is good enough in general because I'm an unproductive loser..)

*cough, sneeze, yawn*

Ahem, look at my avatars. (heh, heh..~)

J___ as a light blue and white flirtatious devil. (I mean, I guess?). Those eyebrows though. That hand with the heart sold it for me. I just had to use it. I tried to make it so that most of his hair is black and the ends of the hair in front and the sides are white. So that's why his hair looks like that.

And then I made Fierdan or Duke. I can't decide on who. Maybe it's both..? 

Screw it, it's both of them. Ok so that means it's story 2+ "Fierdan" because he's a combination of story 1 Duke and story 1 Fierdan (so confusing ikr).

....... mm boi ;) ...........

Fierdan as a red and black flirtatious devil. Those eyebrows, that tongue, the hand with the heart... ahhhh. There's blood because I associate him with blood. He is totally the epitome of lust as this anime avatar is showing. He's wearing more clothes yet he looks more sexy? Maybe it's the eyes? ..... god, help me-- *coughs*

.......... heh. there's no "angle" angel here. you have been fooled. 

................ Ok, to be fair, this is what I had on repeat while creating them. 

Kiss the Devil~ Bel Heir

Hell~ Olivver the Kid

Everywhere I Go~ FNKHOUSER

Youngblood~ 5 Seconds of Summer

"devil" <3 "blood" <3 ,,,, i luv!

hah aha haha 

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/79516