(Let’s be real here, chief. I haven’t been doing that well lately. As in, the past few months. Ha, ha, ha..)
[reader discretion- there will be mental health shit discussed. also, no filter.]
But before we go down that hill...
Did you guys just gloss over these things I wrote?
(wording is edited to fit this better because I don’t want to add the extra context. lmao)
- J___: *think of a typical male YouTuber intro*
- Sparkle: Do I look like a joke to you?
- Duke: Are you bringing skit commercials back in town?
- Duke: *stares at J___, then shrugs* Okay. *walks away*
- Duke: *exits the room, immediately walks back into the room* Excuse me while I’ll— *stops talking*
- Duke: I feel offended. Thanks for that. Bye. *doesn’t leave*
- the link to the original skit of Fierdan’s iconic pose
(rolling down that hill now)
- I relate to them when I’m feeling the worst and my thoughts are irrational and violent and intrusive. I feel like my Duke/Fierdan side is coming through when I get my violent intrusive thoughts, and when I feel such a deep anger inside of me that eventually subsides to feeling so fucking empty that’s when I also feel like Ryen in addition to the other two.
- I have the strangest trigger (triggers?). (yeah I know I write stuff about a variety of conventional sensitive content shit, but stuff that’s apart from all that generally.. screw me up. let’s just say that. and not like a #/triggered joke. those jokes can die.)
- my mental health was very, very bad in the summer of 2016. Like, really bad. I’m still a little fucked up over what happened back then (and in late 2017 when my mental health deteriorated and I was extremely passively suicidal every day). Oops, I’m getting off topic. So what I’m trying to get at is that I think I was possibly hallucinating with the whole music thing that summer.
- I spent the majority of my senior year of high school being passively suicidal. I had suicidal ideation just about every day until 2017 ended (then I had it less often). (actually, I read some things from April and May 2018 and yeah oops.. I still had lots of suicidal thoughts then too.)
- Being suicidal isn’t normal, god damn it! Fuck!! And the times I tried telling my family (parents) that I wanted to die and felt suicidal they didn’t acknowledge what I told them at all. They still haven’t. They still don’t. And like.. hey, that’s pretty fucked up, if you ask me.
- it literally feels like I can’t function if I’m not distracted from my own thoughts.
- But I still sleep a lot. (it takes me ages what feels like forever to fall asleep because when I have nothing to distract myself from my thoughts, it’s so hard to shut my brain off. and then I end up sleeping until noon/the afternoon.)
- I’ll be surprised if I don’t attempt suicide this summer.
......................... ................ ........... ..... ....
I mean, hey, I probably won’t. I doubt it, I really do. The closest I’ll probably ever do is doing that traditional type of physical self-harm. if that.
But hey, if anyone out there thinks I’m feeling good because of the silly cute things I post (cue the cartoon avatars of my characters), then that’s really not true. I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for weeks.
To cut to the chase, I still have lots of suicidal ideation stuck in my hellscape (I mean my head). It’s still a thing I struggle with, and it might have gotten worse..?
For the past two weeks especially, I’ve had graphic thoughts of hurting myself nearly every time I’m completely alone with my thoughts. It doesn’t matter the time of day. Those aren’t the only thoughts I get, but the fact that they pop up at all even for a brief time is a bit concerning.
I’m at the point where I really don’t give a shit anymore. Just a few hours ago, my parents invalidated me.
Oh, let’s get into that. I’m pretty damn sure I’m the most hated child. Things have been going better with my mom, but with my dad.. I’m not so sure. I’m pretty sure he still hates me.
Heh...
Apparently, whispering is the same thing as yelling. And are they ever aware when they are the ones actually yelling? Of course not.
I don’t see the point in waking up. “what’s the point in waking up?”
I’m sorry but fuck.. sometimes I want to physically hurt myself so badly (as in, there will be blood not just from periods or nosebleeds). They keep on refusing to see and believe my struggles (never mind how it’s practically impossible for me to even begin having a proper conversation about mental health and related stuff with them). I know it’s fucked up, but if I physically hurt myself and maybe attempt suicide (in a very shitty way that I know will fail but whatever), they’ll.. idk, stop treating me like shit verbally? idk. Do I have to hurt myself enough for them to listen to me and know how terrible I’ve been doing mentally for so fucking long now? Trying to talk and just use emotions isn’t working enough.
Nothing is enough. Nothing I do is good enough. I’m never good enough, am I?!
I’m losing my patience. Do I have to try to kill my self for them to “see me”?
,,,, fuck—
During the day, I feel like I lack emotions. I go through the day like a robot. I feel so numb.
The only time I feel somewhat alive is after midnight. I express an emotion after midnight, and I’m scolded and told to stop it and shut up. But during the day, I can’t really connect to my emotions at all.
I’m only really awake in the middle of night. I feel like I’m sleepwalking during the day (as in, before the sun sets). It’s hard for me to wake up before noon, plus I don’t know the point in waking up at all anymore. And, of course, I get scolded for that too. Though they did the same to my brother who did the same thing.
About my siblings... yeah, they both left. They’re not home. So it’s just me and our parents.
Heh.
They won’t come back home for a long time. From a few months to several months. Honestly, I don’t know.
,,,,,,,, oh no, I’m getting sad. what did I expect? fuck this..;;
why the fuck am I so scared of being alone with my dad these days? why why why why why why why why why why why why why
.... maybe it’s because I was called a burden, failure, untrustworthy, someone who can’t be trusted, lazy, etc., etc.
(by him).
I really can’t let things just go, can’t I?!
And if I try to talk about being depressed and depression, I already know I’ll be blamed and it’s my fault of course it’s my fault and it’s because of the environment and only the environment and that’s it.
It’s always my fault, isn’t it?!
No. Fuck this. Screw everything.
I can just hear him saying something like “you won’t be so depressed if you got off your lazy ass and got a job” never mind how I’ve been trying to for weeks to no success (so far or ever) and the fact that I’m trying so hard not to give in to my suicidal thoughts that I had again since far before the college semester ended.
And that’s not getting into how he hated on my sister when he knew she takes anti-anxiety medication. He thinks of it as a bad thing. Something not good for her to be taking. Because it gets in the way of “more important” things.
........ it’s just screwing me up. all of it.
and I hate how I just want to yell at my sister. “What are you so anxious about? What do you have anxiety about? Being anxious about interviews and starting something new is FUCKING NORMAL. Does your anxiety affect your daily life detrimentally BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY ALL THE DAMN TIME AND IT FEELS LIKE I CAN’T FUNCTION AT ALL AND I ZONED OUT A LOT IN COLLEGE BECAUSE MY BODY COULDN’T REALLY HANDLE THE STRESS AND PRESSURE AND I KNOW I’M A FAILURE AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF—,” I hate it I hate it, I hate how I’m this way, I hate the thoughts I get, I know doing that is shitty, I know I know I know, but I just want to know WHY.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
Do I have to (try to) kill myself in order for people irl (in my life, personally) to know I’m hurting?
........ fuck. idk. I REALLY DON’T KNOW.
also, can I just say. Seeing a lot of tombstones of 20 year olds at that funeral messed me up.
In a year, I’ll be 20. I think of dying pretty often. I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I feel like, for my family, things will be better if I’m out of the picture. I feel like a burden and a waste of space all the time, and they sometimes tell me they think the same about me. Maybe things would be better if I never existed at all.
What’s the point in waking up? What’s the point in trying?
What is the point in all of this life bullshit?
idk idk idk idk idk idk
i’m sorry.
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