explaining that skit

Ah yes. Hello.

February is over. Strange how it's the shortest month, but it felt so long. Weird, huh?

The car we (I mean my family) got back in 2014 had to be brought back today (February 28th). I'm gonna miss that car.

R.i.p. :(

So anyway, I was guessing something. And I was right.

Well, I guess I should explain what I mean by that. (Yeah)

In my LA (language arts.. umm, english) class, we're on the short story unit. We're basically just reading short stories. More specifically, horror short stories.

(At least two of them were 20 pages long, but anyways--)

So yesterday and the day before yesterday, I was thinking about if my teacher was going to assign us to write our own horror short stories.

I didn't have that class on the day I typed last post's skit. So I didn't get the assignment to write my own horror short story.

But today I did. And would you look at that? My teacher assigned my class to write our own horror short stories.

So yeah, haha. That's where I came up with that skit idea.

School.. haha. Ahh.

When I think of certain future story scenes (omg when will I actually write though?), I view them as making the story be classified as horror. Because of what happens. Very scary, very horrific. Pretty horrifying if you ask me. (stop with the puns, cutepups.)

For my horror short story I started working on, I'm naming the characters the names I thought of naming some of my future story characters. I'm not sure if I'll name them those names, but oh well. I feel weird if I put their names (I mean Danny and Daniel- for Duke and/or Fierdan) in another story that I'm only writing for a class assignment. Because it's like.. different universes and stuff. I don't think I can make any other characters that have the same names as them. I'm too attached to them (Duke and Fierdan).

I also thought of making the plot of mine being the part of Twinkle's Story that I think is the most like a horror genre. And by that, I mean Duke's torture arc. Honestly, I love thinking about it. Mm omg. But then I decided to change the plot of my horror short story to not be basically the same thing as part of my way-too-long other story.

If I post my short story here, I don't think anyone besides me will be able to get the very vague connection between that story and how it relates to Duke. But like.. it does. Somehow.

Yep mhmm.

The timing of the skits is supposed to be after Twinkle's Story ends. So all the messed up shiz the characters go through is over, and they've settled in the new-not-story-world universe to be at peace and finally live normal lives and all that cool stuff.

I think about the torture arc so much. Umm.. damn.

If everything that happens to Duke then doesn't end up basically traumatizing him, then like.. that's unrealistic lol.

If Duke doesn't die at the end of the story and goes on to be a main character in story 2, then he would also get the intense nightmares that I've been trying to show (show not tell.. yeah?) that Fierdan gets in story 2.

Being tortured. Seeing people (friends and an enemy) die in front of you. Well yeah, that'll mess a person up probably.

Well.. heck.

Bye now.

~ Cutepups

horrors and fears (new skit)

Hey, I'm back with a new skit post.

I'm still waking up at 5 am. Ugh, I hate this.

I go to sleep very late too, so I don't get my body.

Everything's a scam. Pfft.

Hehe, enjoy this! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Date: February 27th. Time: Exact time is unknown. Location: School classroom.]

Teacher: *sits at her desk and faces the class* Who wants to come up front and read their horror short story to the class?
Class: *is silent, nobody raises their hand*
Teacher: *looks at Duke who is sitting at his desk with a paper on his desk* Hmm.. what about you?
Duke: *raises head to look at the teacher* You want me to go?
Teacher: That's right.
Duke: *stands up and pushes his chair in* An original horror short story was the assignment, right?
Teacher: That is correct. You have yours in your hand, so I'm not sure why you're asking questions about the assignment now.
Duke: *loses eye contact with the teacher and walks to the front of the class* Fictional?
Teacher: Well, how else would you have done the assignment?
Duke: Well...
Teacher: We're writing fiction, Duke.
Duke: *nods* Yes. Of course, ma'am.
Class: *pays attention to Duke as he reads his story*

[Duke starts to read his horror short story.]

Duke: Once upon a time, there was a boy. Ever since he was young, he was judged by society for being abnormal. Time passed, and certain people in the boy's town thought he was dangerous and even a monster. Strangers to the boy talked on the streets about how he had a sketchy family, and that he witnessed and committed actions that nobody that young should have ever done. The boy....

Duke: .... One day, this group of men caught the boy. They treated him like a criminal on death row, even though he did not commit any crimes. The group believed the boy to be a dangerous monster; somebody who looked like a human but wasn't actually human. One of the men believed that executing the boy would make everything okay. I mean, the boy was a monster after all, right?....

Duke: .... With the several bullets lodged in his forehead, he grinned maliciously at the man who shot him. The man looked in terrified awe. The boy was indeed not human because he was still alive....

Duke: .... The other man had a different view on what to do with the boy. Instead of simply killing the boy, he believed that forming experiments on the boy was a better idea. The boy had several qualities that intrigued the crew. He wasn't human, no, he was something else. But what? What was he made of? Mentally, physically?....

Duke: .... The experiments were synonymous with torture techniques. The man stabbed and burned one of the boy's eyeballs on a daily basis. He also cut different areas of the boy's body, so he would bleed. The man was very interested in the boy's blood. He made sure he bled a specific amount each day....

Duke: .... It wasn't only physical trauma. During the torture sessions, the boy thought about his life. He filled in the gaps of his past. He fell into insanity. He lost any humanity he had left....

Duke: *lifts head and faces the class with wide eyes* It was painful. *lowers his hands holding the paper to show he finished reading his story*

[Note: The ....'s show a break in time from Duke's story. I left a lot of what Duke was saying out.]

Teacher: Wow, that was vivid. Longer than I expected, but it was good nonetheless.
Class: *claps*
Duke: *puts his paper on the teacher's desk, walks back to his desk*
Classmate: *whispers to Duke* Your story gave me chills. You put in so many details, it's almost as if you knew what it felt like.
Duke: *looking down at his desk* Yeah. Thanks.
Other classmate: Yeah, I was surprised you didn't cry while reading it. I think I would have if I wrote it. I almost cried while listening to you read.
Duke: *whispers, not facing anyone* Yeah...

[A few minutes later.]

Duke: *speaks under his breath* God... *cries silently at his desk*

[Scene fades to darkness. In the next scene, it's in the evening on the same day. Duke is lying on a couch, looking like a mess. He punches a cushion while lying down, and he then sits up. Oh and he's hyperventilating and covered in sweat.]

Duke: ... Damn it. *gets up*
Dawn: Are you awake from your nap yet?
Duke: What nap?
Dawn: You dropped your backpack on the floor when we came home from school, and then you immediately dropped yourself all over the couch.
Duke: I was tired. It's been a long day.
Dawn: *checks clock* We cane home at 2:30. It's now a little after 7. Are you doing okay?
Duke: Yeah, I'm fine.
Dawn: Well, I mean, you're breathing way too fast, you're practically drenched in sweat, and it looks like you just cried.
Duke: *wipes hand across forehead* Oh, is that so?
Dawn: Uh yeah.
Duke: *laughs once and walks around the room*
Dawn: You know you can tell me anything that's bothering you.
Duke: Yeah, yeah. *stretches arms and leaves the room*

[Fierdan is standing right outside the room.]

Fierdan: So, how long are you going to pretend that what happened in the past doesn't affect you anymore?
Duke: *grunts and rolls his eyes*
Fierdan: I know you still think about what happened. It keeps on replaying in your mind. You're falling apart, Duke.
Duke: I'm doing fine! I am fine!
Fierdan: *stares at Duke and places a hand on his face* No. No, you're not. You're not fine.
Duke: I'm not leaving school again! I'm just not doing it, Fierdan, and I don't care if I'm not the exact definition of human. I deserve a normal life, and I don't care that I'm not normal either.
Fierdan: They keep on replaying, playing over and over again. You can't forget the memories of seeing your friends die. You can't forget the memories of being killed and you killing that man. You can't escape your past. The more you struggle and try to run away from it, the more you're hurting yourself. You're losing your mind.
Duke: I'm fine!
Fierdan: You're not really sleeping. Don't you want to be saved before you come to the point I'm at?
Duke: I don't need saving. *takes Fierdan's hand off his face*
Fierdan: You're also traumatized. Accept that.
Duke: I'm not living in the past like you are, Fierdan! Let it go already!
Fierdan: The past.. you're also living in it! You're just denying the truth because you're afraid. You don't want the rest of them to know, but it's okay. You dealt with so much pain in the past. You killed and were killed. You were the tortured and the torturer. You know what it's like to be both, and nobody else does.
Duke: What about yourself?
Fierdan: I haven't experienced it like you have.
Duke: *sighs tiredly*

........... yeah idk.

I'm too tired to think of anything else to add.

Yay, a new skit.

Oh, Duke...

~ Cutepups

idk why i'm posting now but hi

Uh.. yeah. (read the post title)

So, I feel like I haven't been posting as much. I was busy doing other things last night, and I was busy all day today (well, Sunday).

Anyway, I am so tired. Like, I'm beat.

My legs hurt. Because I did quite a bit of walking, and because I had to sit in a packed car for a few hours.

Because of me and my college decisions. Hehe, that's me. Going for myself this time. Wow, that's new.

Admitted students day. Definitely was a "day" since we were there all day.

Logic: You and your family were only at the said university campus from 9 in the morning to 3:30 in the afternoon. That is not a full 24 hour day.
Everything but the logic part of my brain: But that's so many hours. That's basically a full day of doing stuff, and I'm tired! We had to wake up at 7, and we were out of the house for 11 hours.

Uh yeah, so that happened.

My grandma came with us this time. To see the school. And the campus. The school campus. And all that university stuff. Yeah.

On another completely unrelated topic...

I've been watching horror anime recently. Oh boy, that's scary. Look at that gore go. Poor boys. Poor men. Poor characters. Whew, lots of deaths.

I want to watch an episode of the one I'm currently watching, even though it's a Sunday night and I feel like I'm gonna pass out (I mean fall asleep).

Logic is holding me back.

(Me: *thinks about the Sanders Sides Logic character as I type Logic in this very post*)

....... I love that guy.

And on another completely unrelated topic....

I keep on waking up at 5 in the morning. I don't know why, but it's annoying me.

It's always between 5:10 and 5:20.

So it's the weekend, and I'll suddenly be awake at 5:16 am.

So I fell back asleep.

The same happened last week. During the week. Which means weekdays.

That's too early, so I fell back asleep.

Only to have my alarm wake me up less than an hour later. (smh)

Uh.. I'm so glad I have an A day at school tomorrow. I'm sick of having so many B days. School on Friday sucked. B days suck.

Eww, school again.

Bye, bye!

~ Cutepups (the distinguishable fool in the crowd)

well what to do now

Well. *shrugs* What do.

Hi there.

So apparently, my (school -ugh-) iPad updated. Now I won't be able to use the Blogger app on it at all anymore. The time put at the end of the post would now only be the time I finish the post. Yeah, I guess. I gotta type up posts on the site now. Hmm.. heh.. ok.

(ios 11 ... what is this? I hate updates. Hhhhhhfggughh.)

That skit though.

Duke.. hhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

New skit arc thing. *wink, wink*

>;-)

(that would be my evil wink face ^^)

Started it with a boring, ordinary activity. Studying for math. Pretty normal student activity. Yeah right.

And there I ended it with Duke angst.

Mm, I love making my boy suffer.

(Damn it, Cutepups.)

I've been thinking about that skit content (the studying for math, Fierdan talking to Duke in private about what they talked about, and Duke in this skit universe finally revealing that he's also struggling and haunted by the past before they came to the skit universe- so the story universe with all the messed up stuff that happens to him lol) for a week. I wanted to post the skit last Friday, but I wasn't in the mood to post a skit at all when that day rolled around. So I posted it yesterday. Yeah, so that happened.

Dang.. I don't know how I'll insert pictures of my art in blog posts now. :(

Ok bye.

~ Cutepups <3

calculations of denial (skit)

Hi, I'm finally gonna post a new skit. It feels like I haven't made a new one in so long.

It's already Thursday. That means tomorrow is Friday. Nice.

My ears aren't hurting anymore. Nice.

My head isn't hurting as much. Nice.

Yeah. We get it, Cutepups. Nice.

Warning: This skit will contain harsh content. The M content. M for math, M for murder. Yikes, that's scary stuff. 

---------------------------------------------

[Date: February 22nd. Time: 4:30 pm. Location: At the kitchen table. Finny, Duke, and Sparkle are studying for their math quiz. Sparkle doesn't really understand how to do the math they're doing, so Finny and Duke are trying to help her. Umm.. yeah sure, let's see how that goes.]

Finny: *looks at the math problem they're looking at on top of Sparkle's binder* So it'll then be 1 + the square root--

Sparkle: Why are you adding the 1? 

Finny: You'll get the wrong answer if you don't. The 1 isn't attached to the square root, so you can't multiply and then simplify to get rid of that 1. 

Sparkle: *sighs and rests her chin on her math worksheet* I don't like these square roots. Math is hard.

Duke: Well, I don't get how you don't understand this. We learned it last year.

Sparkle: That doesn't mean I remembered all of it. 

Duke: *sighs* You're just like Twinkle. She couldn't remember what we did in math classes from previous years. Apparently, you're the same way.

Sparkle: *lifts head* And you didn't struggle with and instantly forget anything we learned in math from previous years? I doubt that.

Finny: *sighs* Guys, let's focus.

Sparkle: *nods and picks up her pencil*

Duke: *looks at the math worksheet* You did it wrong. You have to distribute first. 

Finny: Huh?

Duke: *leans over the table and points at another math problem* You have to distribute the 3x before you can do any of the other steps.

Finny: *looks at the paper* What number are you looking at?

Duke: 7.

Finny: Oh, how did I not see that? Thanks for pointing it out.

Duke: That's why I'm here.

Sparkle: *speaks bitterly* Thanks, Duke.

Duke: After distributing, then you can combine the x's and do what you did.

Sparkle: Okay.

Duke: Then you have to get rid of the 4. It'll equal -4. 

Sparkle: I thought the equation had to equal 0.

Duke: *sighs* That's not for this kind of problem.

Sparkle: Oh.

[Fifteen minutes later. They have been working on math. Then Fierdan walks into the room.]

Fierdan: What are you doing?

Finny: Studying for tomorrow's math quiz.

Fierdan: *doesn't keep eye contact with any of them* Math, huh? So mundane.

Sparkle: *sighs* I know math is boring, but I have to pass. I have to improve my grade. 

Fierdan: Stop assuming that I was talking to you two. *walks around the table to where Duke is sitting and puts a hand on his shoulder* I was talking to Duke.

Sparkle: *groans*

Duke: *slowly turns around to face Fierdan*

Fierdan: Have time to talk?

Duke: Uh, I was in the middle of--

Fierdan: Eh, good enough. Come with me.

Duke: Wait, what?

Fierdan: *pulls on Duke's hand, bringing him to his feet, and then he pushes Duke ahead of himself as they leave the room*

[Fierdan and Duke are in a bathroom. Duke is confused and breathing fast. Fierdan turns on the light.]

Duke: *trying to calm down* What the hell.. is wrong.. with you?

Fierdan: The list is endless.

Duke: *speaks tiredly* Screw you.

Fierdan: Look, I didn't want anyone else to overhear what I want to talk to you about.

Duke: Talk about what?

Fierdan: Ourselves.

Duke: *rolls eyes and laughs bitterly* Wow, I clearly get what you mean by that.

Fierdan: *sighs* Look at me.

Duke: I am.

Fierdan: No. *puts both his hands on Duke's shoulders* Look at me.

Duke: Uh.. no offense, but your physical state is seriously declining.

Fierdan: *turns Duke to face the mirror* Now what do you see?

Duke: My reflection. Why?

Fierdan: *sighs deeply* I'm sorry. It's just that I...

Duke: What?

Fierdan: I can't. I'm so sorry, Duke, I really am.

Duke: For what? You have to be more specific.

Fierdan: I can't just ignore it anymore. I can't just stand idly by as I watch you live your life here in complete denial.

Duke: Denial? What am I denying?

Fierdan: Yourself. Us. 

Duke: Huh?

Fierdan: How can you still pretend that you can be like them? How can you just forget everything that happened to you? How can you just throw that all away and live a normal life today?

Duke: *glares at Fierdan* Don't you dare tell me that I forgot my own experiences. Maybe I began to live a normal teen life here, so I can recover from everything that happened to me in the past. Recovery, you should give it a shot.

Fierdan: *raises voice* But that's the problem. You can't live as a normal teen like they can. Duke, you're not even alive! You're dead! Damn it.. how can you deny the truth? I know the truth hurts, but you can't ignore it forever.

Duke: I'm not dead, so shut up.

Fierdan: You died, Duke! You never were human, so you can never be alive like any of them are. Not even like me.

Duke: If I wasn't alive, then how did I die?

Fierdan: Machines die. Robots die. That doesn't mean they were ever alive.

Duke: Are you saying.. I'm a robot?

Fierdan: You will never be a normal person. You're not a human like they are. Like I am. The only reason you're still here in your own body is because I only killed the Soulless part of your body and identity but didn't remove your soul from your physical body in the process. Soulless is dead and powerless now, but they still reside in your body. The only living qualities you have now are from me.

Duke: So the Soulless part of me has died but still stays in my body?

Fierdan: Yes. That's basically it. So without Soulless, you're completely mine now. *grins at Duke* You're my creation.

Duke: *frowns at Fierdan* Oh, don't go all creepy on me.

Fierdan: *backs away from Duke* That's not all I wanted to talk about.

Duke: Oh, what is it now?

Fierdan: The news. 

Duke: Uh, sure?

Fierdan: There's a rise in the number of homicides occurring.

Duke: I don't think--

Fierdan: So many new serial killers. All of them are pathetic.

Duke: Uh...

Fierdan: What's their gain? Their motive? If they even have one, it's pathetic.

Duke: *sits on the floor*

Fierdan: It's disgusting. They don't even have any reason for their killings. At least have some dignity and have a reason for your actions. Otherwise, it's all pointless and meaningless. Ha, not like they care. Idiots. 

Duke: Uh, Fierdan...

Fierdan: It's like these guys are suddenly becoming murderers because they think it's cool. A cool trend, huh? Hey, you get some fame after killing innocent lives for no damn reason, huh? They didn't get repeatedly abused and manipulated like I was. They're just killing for fun. They're doing what they're doing out of their own consent. Nobody pressured them into doing what they did but their own damn selves. 

Duke: Well, people said the same about you. Before they really got to know you.

Fierdan: Are you sympathizing with the sick pieces of sh--

Duke: No. I'm just saying.. people who didn't know you personally, people who were strangers to us, only saw you as that heartless and merciless killer. They saw you as nothing but a serial killer. What you're calling the guys on TV was what people from back in the day called you. 

Fierdan: Oh hmm.. okay.

Duke: *stands up and stares at his reflection in the mirror* Umm.. by the way.. do you view yourself as a serial killer?

Fierdan: I'm...

Duke: *speaks quietly* What about me?

Fierdan: Duke...

Duke: Are we any better than the people on the news? Are all killers the same? We both took the life of another person.

Fierdan: Duke...

Duke: *weakly throws a punch at the mirror* Are we really any better than them? We killed people, too!

Fierdan: *wraps his arms around Duke from behind*

Duke: I just want to be normal. I just want life to be okay for once. But hey, even you said it. I can't ever be normal. I can't truly detach from my past. Damn it, Fierdan. The past haunts me just like it haunts you. Those memories traumatized me. I try and try and try to forget about it, but I really can't. I can't just pretend that I'm okay when I still have the picture of when I realized I killed Risak. I still have that picture of finding Finny's dead body. I don't think those memories will ever go away. God.. damn it!

Fierdan: You're not--

Duke: *sounds desperate* If I'm not a human, then that means I'm a monster. I'm a monster! 

Fierdan: I don't refer to myself as a serial killer, so you definitely aren't one. We aren't the monsters, Duke, the people we see on the news are. We aren't them, so don't compare them to us. Especially not the past us.

Duke: We killed others! 

Fierdan: Damn it, Duke. Look.. do you think I was totally up for the idea that I had to kill you in order to save the world and everyone else? Did you think I wouldn't mourn you? Soulless in you was causing so much chaos and mayhem. I had to do something about it because having them as a permanent part of you was turning you into a monster. They were the monster, Duke, it wasn't you. You're not a monster.

Duke: No, you're wrong. I am a monster. We both are.

Fierdan: Just because you can't ever be 100% human like anyone else here, it doesn't mean you have no heart. You still feel, so you aren't like them, so you can't be a monster. End of discussion.

Duke: Oh, one more thing. Will I ever go to sleep without having any nightmares?

Fierdan: *stares at Duke's reflection* Nightmares?

Duke: I get them, too. I can't escape the demons of my past when I'm asleep.

Fierdan: Nightmares, huh? So you also get them. 

Duke: Yeah. 

Fierdan: You fake being okay quite well. You scare me.

Duke: Haha, very funny.

Fierdan: *sounds distant* Funny? Yeah...

Duke: *stares grimly at himself* I don't think I know what's real from me anymore. I keep on hiding away and lying to people. I'm trying to live a normal life when I know I'm just lying to myself. I don't think I can.. take it much longer. *the tears come*

Gotta end it here. Ahh bye.

~ Cutepups 

just. breathe.

I don't know what to title my posts. I want to bring off a calmer vibe in this post, so I came up with that title.

Well, most of my body aches and pains have gone away. However, I've had a headache for the past few days, and ever since yesterday, the backs and deep insides of my ears have been hurting. It's hard to describe it though.

Yeah, so that's going on.

I mostly decided to say what I said last post because I just felt like I had to dump all my at-the-moment unsettling feels. If I didn't, I don't think I would've been able to stay asleep long. Yeah, it got that bad. Monday wasn't a great day. I still feel so guilty and like such a burden, which pretty much sucks.

I honestly felt way worse a few hours before I decided to create that post. But, well, I still felt crappy. So that's that. I guess. Yeah.

I don't think my sister hates me as much as this past weekend. She got us Chipotle for dinner, which was nice. Umm.. yeah.

The other night, I was dreaming that I was in this cool game group chat. It was so cool and fun. Dang, wish that were me.

It was either called Black Souls, Black Soul, Black Spirits, or Black Spirit. I don't remember.

It was a cool computer game. That was nice, even though I don't remember anything else about it.

For the past few days (longer than I've had this headache), I've been thinking about Duke and Finny. And I'm pretty sure I had a dream about them. It was so sad. Like actually sad. It made me think of crying because that's how I'll be with my crybaby ass.

If I could actually draw, I would draw that scene from the dream. I don't think I'll ever be able to capture how Duke's face looked like. Especially his eyes. The eyes, man, those are pained. He's been through some shit, that's for sure.

I also don't think I can actually draw Finny's body in that position. Without it looking too weird.

I honestly love thinking about those two so much. Like, it goes into the past before all the story shit starts. It's like sad nostalgia. Then there's the whole trust (afraid to trust, trust issues, betrayals, lies, forgiveness) thing they go through. And, oh god, my heart.

Well, I guess Duke's eyes and mouth in my dream kinda look like how they did in this thing I drew not too long ago.
http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/02/duke-vent-who-are-you-really.html (on his left side but it would be on his right side in my dream)

Uh.. I have a skit in mind. I keep on forgetting to post it. I'm afraid it's not good enough, and that it's a little too harsh to be a skit. But like.. I don't think anyone will even care. So.. yeah.

Oh and I only have one or two empty pages left in my sketchpad. The one I've been using for the past several months to draw my story characters in.

Darn, what a shame. That's sad.

I'm still not over this picture of Duke and Finny I have in my head. It's been hurting me.

Dang it, Finny. You've made Duke weak. Look what you've done, my precious boy. How dare you.

Uhh.. I love them.

I also might've gotten inspired by this song. I feel certain emotions whenever I listen to it. I don't even know how it relates to Duke or Finny, but the picture I have of them in this one specific scene in my head makes me think of this song I started listening to a lot more recently.

Feels.. damn it why.

The Mask Slips Away~ RED 

Watch me relate it to Fierdan and/or Z and/or Ryen at some point. Most likely Fierdan because I like him the most. Haha. 

-------------

Just breathe. It'll be okay. 

Don't bother worrying about me. I'll be fine. 

--xxx--

Hello~! <3

Pro of today: No school today. :)

Con of today: I'm in pain and (almost) everything hurts. :(

I feel like posting something now though. 

(Gosh dang, this music I'm listening to. Ouch...)

I really, really like that (extremely long emotional dump) poem I wrote in my last post.

Dang, that was emotional. That was painful. I was close to crying when I wrote that. 

Eww, sad feelings. 

Me? Sad? What, pfft, no..-

(I'm so sad. I'm sorry...)

(I'm still burning. It's still suffocating me. Deep sadness and anger.. internally. I'm burning internally. This hurts so badly. Life is painful.)

................................

..............

..................................................

....................  

All this time, I've been feeling very guilty. Well, extremely guilty on a daily basis for the past several months/year at least.

Anyway, I feel so guilty. 

(I'm such a bad human. I'm such a disgrace. I feel like garbage. I'm literally a huge burden on my family (parents). I feel so bad, ugh. Why am I alive? I don't deserve any of this good stuff. I'm so bad. Making them waste so much money on me. Ugh, I honestly hate my body and how it keeps on screwing me over. I kinda want to die again. But even dying is expensive. Yeah, whoops, sorry.)

Haha, like I'll actually tell them about that other stuff now. That's also expensive. God.. just f*ck it.

I guess I'll just have to deal with my mind shit on my own till it kills me or something. I already feel like I'm sucking so much money out of them.

(I'll just rot here. 2018.. I'm losing faith in you. I'm so f*cking guilty. I'm probably a financial burden, and my parents probably hate me and my sister does already. I'm such a waste of space, of life, it's great ha ha. I highly doubt I'll be truly happy in the future, so what's the point of staying? Even if I only go to her, I'll feel guilty for burdening her for spending even more money on me. Ugh, just call me the money waster while you're at it. That's the only thing I'm good at nowadays, anyways. I really don't think I was meant to make it to an adult. That can't.. be me. It just can't. I'm just making it worse for the people around me. I feel like everyone dislikes me. I feel like I can't even word things properly anymore. I feel like my conversation skills are in the negatives. I'm probably bringing down everyone I talk to. I'm a disappointment, ha ha. I know, I know.. I should just go.)

Honestly.. f*ck everything. Things I thought I wasn't afraid of anymore are starting to mentally scar me or some shit like that. I want to bleach my brain of these memories. I'm so repulsed and disgusted. Damaged. Can't go back. 

I'm trying to stay numb irl. Not react with any deep emotions to what people say. I'm trying so hard to not break down, cry, and wanting to die.. but it's so hard to avoid it. They didn't say to my face that I'm a burden, but I know I am. I f*cking am, okay?! I know that.

Lol my entire body hurts. I'm typing this on the floor 'cause screw it. I like being on the floor.

....... I'm terrified of being hurt by others again. I know it'll happen again, and I'm so f*cking scared. I don't know how I'll live through it again. But I deserve it. 

...... It's me. I'm the one who's the bad friend. I'm the blue-horned devil. I'm the bad one.

I know I'm pathetic and not good enough. Why bother with me? Why care about me? Why have hope that I'll be better and know better? There's no use. 

I can't even talk right. I swear I f*ck up every damn social interaction I have. What's the point of continuing if I can't even do any of the basic stuff right? I really don't know.

Why shouldn't I just fade away to blue smoke? 

It feels like I cause fights, but I'm too tired to fight. I can't do this anymore.

Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep. Bye.

<3 ~~

2.14.18

(Copying and pasting from what I just posted to my deviantart.)

---------------

February 14th. Valentine's Day.
How could a day full of
Life and love
Turn into a day known of having
Death and hate?
Why did it have to go all wrong?
(Again.)

When I wrote that other poem
From earlier this week,
I really did believe that 
Things would have been better this year.
But I guess that nobody should ever put 
Hope into Time's hands.
It's better to remain hopeless
Than to have hope
Only to have it ripped away from you (me)
(Again.)

I was surrounded by
Sadness, pain, and grief
At this time last year.
I thought this year
Valentine's Day would be a better day.
But I guess I was wrong.
The only difference is that the
Sadness, pain, and grief 
Isn't just among my family
Like it was a year ago.
Instead of it only being my family
Who had to grieve from 
An unexpected and sudden death,
Several families get to grieve 
The unexpected deaths.
No parent expects to find their child dead.
Especially at school, 
Especially on a day all about love.
But this similar scenario 
Happens in schools across the nation
Again and
(Again.)

How could anyone (I, them, we) 
Ever feel the same way about
The fourteenth of February 
After being forced to suddenly grieve
On that same day? 
How could anyone (we)
Remember Valentine's Day 
As the holiday all about 
Love
When we can now only
Remember the day being full of
Death? 
How can anyone recover from something like this? 
"Love brings pain," someone said.
Then this love sure did bring a lot of pain.

Grief spreads like a comforting disease.
Grieving those we loved 
Who are now gone
Makes us human.
I feel comfort in that
The tragedy of death 
Brings people closer together.
We all connect to the art of mourning. 

2017:
The night of February 13th,
I was told that my uncle died.
I didn't make much of it back then.
I mean my dad didn't show much emotion 
When he told me that.
It couldn't possibly be true.

Then the next day 
February 14th,
I found out 
That was all true.
You (I) can't just dismiss it as a lie
When you (I) have to witness your (my) mother 
Telling you in specific detail 
About the events from the day before. 
She isn't one to lie with such an amount of 
Pain in her words. 
I had to absorb all this anguish she felt (feels)
That she had to helplessly watch her brother 
Die right in front of her and her sisters. 

In one of my classes,
We (my class and I) found out that 
Our teacher wasn't coming to school.
(I believe) His grandmother died on the same day.
February 13, 2017.
I really found out about their deaths on 
February 14, 2017. 

2018:
I never knew them personally,
And I only knew about them after their deaths.
But death (as well as grief) doesn't discriminate
Because I'm full of so much 
Sadness and anguish,
Anger and rage 
Upon hearing the news about their deaths.
They were only strangers to me,
But my eyes are crying and my heart is hurting
From Wednesday to today.
So much pain felt for 
People I never even met and got to know personally.

February 14, 2018.
The news says that 
17 lives, were lost
Cut short too soon,
Died that day.
Parkland, Flordia.
Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.
I hear on the news that it is 
The (1)8th school shooting 
In the United States 
In this year alone.
And it's only the second month of the year.

I'm sorry but no.
I can't just fake my positivity
And pretend to be happy.
Because I'm full of so much
Anger and sadness.
I'm full of fiery rage.
Nothing is fine,
Everything is wrong.
This shouldn't be a way to live
Yet it still is
Time and time again.
How is nothing being changed about 
The sick irony of the fact that 
People who want and deserve to live 
Only receive the right to die?
The students and the teachers 
Deserve the right to live
Not the right to die too soon.
And yet there are still people in this country 
Who think otherwise.
That think nothing is wrong.
I'm burning from all this anger I hold.
There is a huge problem in this country.
I don't get how people can still
Ignore the fact that there
Has to be a gun problem here.
Because mass shootings are happening
Again and again.
And nothing about it is honestly changing
Again and again.
It's the same news story 
Again and again.
Except the locations and people have different names.

Is this some type of sick joke?
How can some people honestly believe 
The right to own a gun,
And not just any gun- an AR-15,
Is more of a fundamental right 
Than the rights of children
To stay safe in places meant to be safe.
No child should be found 
Covered in blood and with bulletholes in their chests 
At school.
Parents never expect to drop their child off at school
To later find out they died.
Going to school shouldn't be the last time a parent sees their child alive.
Yet it still is.

This isn't some sick joke.
This is real.
Rumors (thankfully, false) spread around about
My own high school being targeted,
And this was all a joke.
What a sick joke that was.
No place is truthfully safe,
No not anymore.
And people still make jokes about it like it's no big deal.
But it is a big deal.
This is real.
How dare people say otherwise? 

All of what I'm writing is jumbled.
My head (body) hurts.
I'm furious.
I'm burning inside from all this rage I have.
Fire is a sign of my suffocation,
And it still feels like I'm suffocating.
It hurts so much.
Maybe if certain people
Get set on fire and have the guns aimed towards them,
They will finally realize the brutal truth of 
How much pain we're in and how long we've been hurting. 
Well, all my thoughts are a mess.
I'm just so tired. 

Death shouldn't come out of love.
Unfortunately, that's how it must go.
That doesn't mean it had (has) to end like this.  

(Rest in peace.) 

-x-x-x-

The day about love brings only death. 

It hurts. February 14th shouldn't be a reminder of death. 

I really don't know how February 14th won't result in remembering death and the pain that comes with it.

Rest in peace to all those lives in Parkland that ended too soon. Seventeen isn't just a number, a statistic. They are people who had their own futures ahead of them. 

I'm so frustrated. I'm burning. It hurts.

I remembered this date last year because my uncle died. On this date, people died from a high school shooting.

(Will death ever let go? When can we just love without being feared that death will suddenly and unexpectedly will attack? When will life be okay, and when will it not end up being a lie?)

------------------------

(Blogger won't let me use the smaller font. This is very long. I just had to.. write something about it.)

hmm ok. -

Awake because of this painful warmth, fear, anger, being less tired at midnight. Yeah.

Gonna be a long day. Much later. 

Well.. heh.. ok.

Midnight moods. Yeah.. gross. Feelings.. mm.. bad. 

I just.. idk. :/ 

Why is it that my two most recent dumb, badly written posts have around twice as many views than my poem? Why is it usually like this when it comes to my badly talking posts compared to my better quality writing posts? The heck? Why lol?

Hah, can't life ever just be good? Seriously? It's like it can't.

Of course I was only referring to me personally when I wrote that poem the other day.

Personally, Valentine's Day was a better day this year than last year. No new death. Yeah.. ok.

And then there's the news. Life is shit. If it's not bad in my personal life (aka I don't feel bad as much/think about death/hopelessness as much), then it must be bad/tragic/just absolute shit for someone else somewhere else. 

Death. Huh.. Valentine's Day.. not a good day. Painful reminders. Ok.

I'm wording this terribly. I know. 

Gotta love (//sarcasm) lying in bed and then being hit with the realization that the people that used to be in my life are gone. They're gone. I can never see or talk to them again. I can't open up to them. I can't get to know them better. I can't ever become more comfortable around them. This could be about a lot of people, but I'm referring to people in my life who died. 

God.. idk.. sorry for this word vomit. (Shut up, brain.)

I miss how it was like a few years ago. When they (we) were together and more towards happy. 

It hurts knowing life (family) have never been nearly close enough at all to being as happy as when they were alive. It's not as happy anymore. And it can't come back. And this is without my added depressing and anxious thoughts that actually never leave me the hell alone. I like to pretend they do, but they really don't.

I miss the way it was back then. I miss it. I miss it so much. I'm so frustrated right now. At the news, at all this shit. I just hate this.

Thursday. School was pretty good. Pretty okay. I watched not just one- but two- TV shows in class. Didn't have to do work in two classes. That was nice.

Friday. Ugh. Gotta wait and see what happens.

My two recent dumb posts.. mm.. left me feeling gross. Vaguely reminds me of how I was like in 2014-15. Eww. I don't know that Cutepups.

Is it bad that I honestly have trouble remembering the details of how my life and thoughts were like before I started this blog? I barely remember. I keep this cursed blog as my digital journal where I record my thoughts and write stuff down from my story/characters. Without my blog, I don't have that much as an outlet. I view this blog as being different from posting anything on dA or tumblr, so.. yeah.

Me, before the age of 14? Me, before the age of 13? Me, before the age of 12? I don't remember much, and it leaves me so sad. I find it hard for me to remember my childhood. What the hell, brain? What's wrong with you? I don't know how my thoughts were like in 2014 and every year before that. 

How long was I this current annoying, sad fool? How long did I want to die (but at the same time, not)? Is anxiety the only thing about myself that stays with me, and it only changes forms throughout the years? It sure feels that way. Anxiety seems like the only constant. 

God.. what am I even saying? Go ahead and ignore this. I mean I expect you will. I don't know why I just had to say that. 

I could rant/vent (both?) about my thoughts about the near/distant (both?) future for days on end. There's so much on my mind. 

To keep it short, let's just say I'm paranoid that I'm setting myself up for self-destruction. I can't stop thinking that I'll deeply regret the decisions I made for college. The schools I applied to and like. The programs (aka majors) I'm interested. I feel like I'm purposefully making my life hell. 

What if I was wrong? What if I don't want that? What if I can't handle it? What if I've just been lying to myself all this time? What if, what if, what if, what-- What is my future? 

I don't know and it's driving me crazy. I want to know. I'm constantly afraid that I'm making all the wrong decisions. I can't just fix them just like that. 

I keep messing up. What if all of this is just a huge mess up on my fault? What if what I once thought I wanted was something I actually never wanted? Am I only lying to myself? Am I the hypocrite? Liar, liar.

It's not gonna get any easier in college. It's only gonna get worse and worse and worse. Life only gets harder and shittier. 

Excitement? Enthusiasm? When it comes to what happens next, I can't relate. 

I'm too terrified. I'm too caught up in this web of thoughts in my head that say I don't actually have a future. 

Sorry. I can't keep up this lie that everything is totally fine and okay when it isn't. I thought it was. For a little bit. It didn't last that long. I thought it could stay much longer. I was wrong. Faking positivity doesn't help much in the long run. It's ruining me more and more. 

((It hurts. I'm sorry.))

posts wow haha

Me: *makes a post where I am basically talking gibberish*

Me- almost a day later: *writes a poem*

Haha yeah, that would be me. Expect nothing but chaos from Cutepups the fool. :)

So I just want to talk about this skit I made last year for Valentine's Day. I reread it yesterday and today, and I laughed so hard at it. 

It's so ridiculous and dramatic. Ridiculously dramatic. Especially Duke. Of course. And it's so funny to me now. 

Geez, Cutepups, calm down. 

Lmao nah, this skit is just too funny.

Asdfghjkl hecc heck!! 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/02/valentine-day-skit.html 

It's that skit. ;) 

Now for my commentary. Please clap. :) 

1. Back then, I didn't put any actual (though censored) swear words in my skits. Now I don't give a heck about ~language~ and make my characters (looking at you, Duke and Fierdan) swear in my skits nearly all the time (# let fierdan say f*ck). So in this early 2017 skit, Duke said, "I'm back, vixens." In the way I write skits now, I would make Duke say "b*tches" because that's what he meant by that line. Yeah, pfft lol.

2. My favorite lines from the skit:

- Brock: Happy Valentine's Day! 

Duke: Valentine's Day was on Tuesday. Today is Saturday.

Brock: Whoa, I thought you died! 

(Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday last year. I was too tired/empty/sad to think of and post a skit for a few days. I wrote the skit on a Saturday. Brock hasn't heard from Duke or the other skit characters in so long that he thought they died. Either that, or someone told him that Duke died.)

- Brock: You drunkie.

Duke: I'm sober right now.

(Brock used to only refer to Duke as the name, drunkie. Duke has to tell Brock that he hasn't had any alcohol, so he can't be drunk.)

- Finny: I still love you, my pink candy sweet. You smell like a strawberry field.

Sparkle: Are you saying I smell like dirt? 

(Asdfghjkl. Sparkle thinks that Finny is saying she smells like dirt. Strawberries grow in fields, and in the dirt. Pfft.)

- Duke: I could kill you right now. But since I have some basic decency, I won't.

Twinkle: Basic decency? Wow, you're so funny.

Dawn: Yeah, stop being so edgy, Duke.

(Omg Duke, stop trying to be mean and an @sshole. Stop with the death threats, you fool!)

- Duke: Ugh ok fine. Straight.

(This was him answering a question he was asked about his sexuality because he wanted to bring up the topic for no good reason. He's such an @sshole in this skit. Omg what is it that you are doing, my boy? .... Why tf you lyin'?? Stop lying, Duke. Lying isn't cool.)  

- Twinkle: Ok he's getting sensitive. Dawn, stop it. 

Duke: I'm not sensitive.

Twinkle: Stop living in denial.

(Duke is living in denial here because he's obviously very sensitive. Like.. Duke, sweetie, you are sensitive. Hhhfgh.)

- Twinkle: Valentine's Day is stupid. It's basically a day commercializing love.

Dawn: True, but hey. Think of it as chocolate day.

Twinkle: Chocolate is good. 

(Just using Twinkle to share my thoughts about Valentine's Day. Romance? No thanks. Chocolate? Yes please. Flowers are also nice, I guess. They're pretty. Now I'm adding my thoughts that platonic love should also be considered more on Valentine's Day. Same goes for self love. Love yourselves.)

 

- *Duke returns holding a bottle*

Duke: I found it, vixens.

Sparkle: Give it back. It belongs to my parents. You're underage just like the rest of us.

Duke: Screw you. *starts drinking from the bottle* 

*Five minutes later*

Duke: *holding empty bottle* Ah, that's better. It's Valentine's Day weekend. Who wants to love me?

(Well, a lot can be said about this group of lines. Why are you calling your friends, b*tches, Duke? That's not very nice of you. Apparently, they're all in Sparkle's parents' house. Where the heck are the parents then? Duke, why are you seeking alcohol and then drinking an entire bottle? How large was this bottle? What did you have, my boy? Wait, you're only 17 then. Why the hell are you drinking alcohol, and where did it even come from if all of you are underage? Where are the parents? Gosh dang. Now you really are a drunkie. Damn it, Duke.)

- Duke: Ah heck yeah! 

*Twinkle and Duke are about to kiss, but instead Twinkle punches him in the face*

Duke: Ah heck no! 

Dawn: I'm so proud of you, Twinkle.

Twinkle: Thanks so much, Dawn.

Duke: Wow, that was so uncalled for. Rude.

(Asdfghjkl omg lmao. Duke deserved to get punched though. I love Twinkle.) 

- Duke: I really can't tell if I'm drunk right now. You actually look less ugly, Brock.

Brock: Gosh, thanks for the compliment. 

Duke: Anytime. I don't feel like throwing up when I look you in the face.

(Jfc Duke! You're so mean! Omg!)

- Duke: Wait for me!

Duke: Ok that's fine. Haha, I'm okay. Just abandon me. That's cool.

Duke: This is fine.

(God damn it, Duke! They left you because you were being an @sshole to everyone! Stop being so dramatic.)

- And there's that whole ending part. Lmao yikes. Story Twinkle was (or still is?) conflicted if she still loves Duke or not. Umm.. the answer should be no. Damn it, Twinkle. I still love you so much though.

(I laughed so many times while typing this. Geez.)

If I included Fierdan and Ryen in the skit, they would have put problematic boy Duke here in his place. Duke would have shut up a lot sooner then.

3. If you steal and drink entire bottles of alcohol, then you really shouldn't hate Brock for calling you a drunkie, Duke. Pfft. 

Plot twist: Duke has been high on drugs all this time. That's why nothing in the story matches up and makes any sense.

(Just kidding. He's not. I mean.. yeah-- he's not currently drunk. Umm heck--)

Don't mimic Duke in any way. Just don't. That's a terrible idea. Don't do that. 

4. Duke: Ah heck yeah!

*gets punched in the face*

Duke, with the same volume: Ah heck no!

Lmaoooooo. What a line. That's iconic.

5. In my skits now, Duke is a nerd talking about school stuff. 

What a change. Good for you, Duke. 

He really is a nerd. Seriously. 

Sorry, this post was basically just me dissing Duke. It's a fun and meaningless hobby for me. :-)

Ok ily bye. <3

~ Cutepups

a lot can change in one year

February 13, 2017 - February 13, 2018

If somehow I had the option to

Keep one and throw the other away,

I would choose the latter

Every time.

I will keep repeating it to myself.

I won't break my promise this time:

"2018 will be the year of change,

And of positivity, healing, and recovery

From the past four or so years.

2018 won't fall and crumple to dust.

2018 won't ruin me.

2018 won't be a bad year.

It will all turn out okay this time."

I'll continue to repeat it

Until and after I'm sure

It turns out true.

Now don't get me wrong,

The guilt is still constricting me internally

From my skull to my throat 

To my heart to my stomach

To my knees to my feet.

I'm still drowning and suffocating in

All this guilt I have.

But I'm still here.

My heart is still beating,

My lungs are still breathing,

My feet are still standing.

I'm still standing and living.

And I still miss them.

I still miss him.

And I still miss you.

I miss a lot of people.

A lot can change in a year.

This year will be good,

Nothing tragically bad will happen,

And everything will finally be okay.

Don't bring me down on this request.

I'm putting my faith in you,

Dear life of the earth. 

I'll take your excitement over your grief

Any and every day.

2017 bruised your heart,

I'll try my best to make sure that

2018 will heal your fractured soul.

For if 2018 pulls any nasty prank,

Then I'm out and will leave 

A trail of flames and blue smoke

Behind me without hesitation.

That is the truth,

Dear mother.

2017 turned to trash

Because of death.

2018 will be the year of healing

Because I'm finally going to learn 

How it's like to live.

So far I will have to say,

I prefer 2018 over 2017.

I really hope it stays that way

Or else I

Will also die.

And I want to live

As a human,

No matter how beautiful 

Flames and blue smoke are.

ghhhjjkladsdogod

Hey!~

I forgot to post on Sunday. And Monday. Whoops.

Well, I'm here now. At midnight.

What a convenient time it is.

Should I be asleep? Yeah, probably. Am I? Nah.

Well, obviously not. I'm typing this right now.

About sleep and all that cool nothingness stuff, my body is weird. Mm, I don't like it.

For the past few school days, I've been waking up at 4 am. That's so early. And I'm trying to be asleep by midnight, which would then mean I'm sleeping for 4 hours. I didn't plan to wake up 2 hours early, body. What the heck, dude?

Yeah.. uh.. hi. Everything is fine. It's all good here. Ha, ha.

Well, anyway, onto my point! Yeah, because I clearly have one. Duh.

So I woke up at 4 for no reason yet again. So since it was way too early (too late?), I went back to sleep. And, well, that was a bad idea.

Ok.. I don't know what it is, but it feels like every time I go back to sleep after waking up at a way-too-early hour, I then have a disturbing dream.

So yeah. Woo. Fantastic. Disturbing dreams.. fun.. ha, ha.

I don't remember enough details of it though, so I can't really describe my dream.

Oh heck.

I think it was something about:

- School bus picking up students (one being me) at our own houses. (Wow, that's a lot of stops.
- This girl named Desa or Desee (??) who didn't care if she got suspended from school to killing us all (?? yeah wtf is this).
- The apocalypse.
- If you grab your cellphone, you will die. It will feed the apocalyptic monster (??).
- Desa or Desee didn't give a heck about herself or anyone else on the bus or at the bus stops. She said she was going to take out her phone from her pocket. But I begged her not to, so she didn't.

Yeah uh.. ok.

I don't know anyone named Desa or Desee. Umm.. ok then.

--------------------------

Only I'll be able to get this meme (??) saying and laugh at, but I'll type it here anyways.

Z (aka Ryen and Fierdan's trashy father TM): Women are thots! :p XD
Fierdan: *is an angry fiery boy TM* You've gotta respect women! >:O *sets Z on fire*

And that's the character relationship between those two characters. Yeah, totally.

That makes no sense.. or does it?

Hmmmmmmmmm............

Oh.. Dawn, sweetie, I'm so sorry you've had to enter their hecked up lives. Yikes.

Uh.. heck.

------------------------

I'm conflicted on how to pronounce Fierdan's name now.

I'm not ok. This is not ok.

I don't know how I should say his name.

I feel so lost.

Both ways sound so good. I've been pronouncing it one way all this time, but it makes more sense for me to pronounce it the other way.

Hhrrrggghhh :{ ?????

----------------
Thanks for coming to my high quality blog post. :)

Art + Highlights of My Dream

Hello! <3

Last night, I drew this:

Here's a closeup, so you can see the hair details:

I worked hard on the hair. I like how it looks. 

-----------------------

I don't remember most of what happened in my dream from this morning, but I'm going to list what I do remember. Haha.. dang it, Cutepups.

Not listing them in order of events. I don't remember that anyways.

////////////////

I was sleeping on this big bed that reminded me of an old painting. I was sleeping on my side, which was normal since that's how I sleep.

But then, my dream self got woken up by this voice. But my eyes were still shut because I was even tired in my dreams.

I never heard this voice before. I didn't know who the person whispering to me was. It sounded like a witch. The voice was cryptic. The voice was feminine, low, and hushed. She (dream me assumed the person was a woman in a ragged cloak for some reason..?) only said one word.

So then, I was confused. What the heck are you telling me when I'm trying to sleep, witch lady?

It took my dream self a few minutes to register what she was saying. At that moment, she repeated the word. Dream me was like, "heck..."

(Ok so I swear I really did dream this. I'm not making this up.) 

Apparently, she was saying, "Fierdan", to me.

It took me so long to realize she was saying my character's name because she pronounced it in a way that I don't. 

Maybe I'll pronounce his name how she said it now. I liked how she said it, to be honest. Her voice made his name sound so beautiful. 

I also think it's way easier to say his name in the way she did. It rolls off the tongue. I don't know how, but she did that. 

She pronounced Fierdan as "feer" + "dan" (with it sounding the same as the name Daniel would sound). 

Then I was like, "whoa..." and we confirmed that we were talking/thinking about the same thing. She was, indeed, referring to my Fierdan guy.

Yeah, so that happened.

-x-x-

I moved in to this room in an old castle. I think it was supposed to be my college dorm, but I'm not too sure.

Everything in my room was made of this gray stone. Cracked gray stone. 

Outside my room, there was a winding staircase made of the same stone material.

Some people around my age and a few years older were walking up and down the stairs. They had bookbags flung over their shoulders. I catched a glimpse of their unzipped bags, and there were indeed books in their bags. 

-x-x-

Apparently, there was a small kitchen area downstairs. 

I had a quick breakfast, and then I returned to my weird stone dorm room.

When I opened the stone door, I saw my grandma and grandpa standing in the middle of the room.

And I was like, "what the f*ck..?"

My grandma seemed fine. Safe, healthy. 

That was weird. She hasn't been that way in a while. 

I don't remember their words, but they told me they were here for a haircut. 

Then I told them this is a university.

My grandparents and I left my new room, and then they led me to the basement of the building. 

And there was a cryptic barbershop down there. Huh.. wow.

It scared me. Where we entered from, the place was completely empty. But then my grandpa said the barbershop was on the other side of this giant plank of wood. 

He crossed to the other side. I panicked because I thought the void was going to attack him (??).

He was okay though. He got a haircut. 

My grandma was just standing next to me. Not saying anything. It freaked me out.

-x-x-

And that's all I remember from my dream. It was very weird. 

Yeah, bye. :"D

~ Cutepups

huh days..,

I just remembered something I could post about for no reason. Ha, ha.. ok then, Cutepups.

So.. uh.. updates? I guess? Yeah?

-x-x-

For some reason, I think I made a post in early December 2014 about my family leasing a new car. 

Well, time sure has passed since then. Haha, no kidding.

At the end of this month, we have to take back that car. Which means we won't have it in a month.

Oh darn, I liked that car a lot. We all did. 

-x-x-

It's almost been a year. Since.. it happened.

It's so different without him here. 

Nowadays, I worry about my mom's side of the family a lot.

To put it vaguely, it's: health problems, frequent hospital visits, so much change, the anniversary of the it is coming up which would bring more anguish and feelings of hopelessness... uh yeah, that.

The family used to be so happy. Now it's nothing but stress and sadness. 

I.. I don't know why I'm typing this. No one cares about this kind of stuff anyways. Not like I blame you. I'm self-absorbed. Yeah, sorry.

As long as I'm home thinking of my mom, Valentine's Day won't be the same. There will always be that painful feeling because of the day before.

Gosh, I'm so empathetic. Ugh.

-x-x-

Umm.. the end of a post I made a few days ago? (end of another sunday) 

I was referring to therapy. Yeah, I feel like that was easy to guess. So yeah. Therapy. That thing.

I think my family and I are gonna visit that person's house this weekend. The person who I talked to about it. Well, she was the one who brought it up.

Ugh, I bet she's gonna be upset at me for not calling her back. 

(I'm so sorry for disappointing you...)

I hate being so scared of admitting the truth of my feelings/thoughts to other people. Like.. my parents. Haha, oh man.

For like.. my (social) anxiety. That's the most obvious thing they've picked up about me. So.. well.. that's it really. Regarding me talking to my family vaguely about therapy. 

Yeah.. heck.

 

Of course, I didn't talk about other stuff. 

(But that's depressing, Cutepups.)

Yeah.

Apparently, one of my family members knows someone. That I might be able to go to. 

But.. I don't know, I'm sorry for being like this. 

(I hate being so scared. I'm sorry.)

-x-x-

I want to write some bad sad poetry, but it's almost midnight. 

School's tomorrow.

At least it'll be Friday.

-x-x-

No one but me can actually notice how hard I've been trying to be more positive so far this year.

But with what's happening in life, it's hard to not give in to the sadness and fear.

I'm really trying. I am.

(I tried. Now I'm tired.)

Bye.

Pretty Eyes skit

Ok I'm ok. Hi, it's time for a skit. Haha yes. 

It's following the skit I wrote on the first of this month. 

I couldn't come up with a specific date or time, but it's probably taking place on a weekend night.

What's the location? Either a bathroom or bedroom. I really can't decide. 

Yeah ok. Here's the skit, lmao.

-----------------------

Fierdan: *has on a blindfold so he can't see* I don't get how I can help you with your vocabulary if I'm blindfolded.

Duke: *is somewhere else in the same room, is also blindfolded* I don't need your help with words.

Fierdan: *grumbles, makes a sound to show how offended he is by Duke's statement* Wh-What are you doing here?

Duke: No, the real question is why are you telling me that you have to help me with vocab homework?

Fierdan: What are you talking about? I was referring to Sparkle, not you. Why are you even in here? 

Duke: Why would Sparkle be here?

Fierdan: Ugh, you fool! She put the blindfolds on us!

Duke: Why would she do that? What's her deal?

Fierdan: Ugh! *makes non-word grumbling noises*

Duke: Oh! Can't you make your eyes turn red, so you can destroy your blindfold with your laser eyes?

Fierdan: *tilts head like wtf is Duke even saying* That never happened. My eyes never turned red, and they definitely didn't turn into lasers.

Duke: Are you sure? I thought that happened.

Fierdan: My eyes can't just change color.

Duke: I'm pretty sure I saw you with glowing red eyes while you were in the middle of being possessed by Soulless. Like, you know, that time we met.

Fierdan: And you must be delusional because I never had these red eyes you speak of.

Duke: Okay, okay fine. Maybe you had blood in your eyes back then.

Fierdan: *kinda laughs?* What the heck are you even saying? Having blood in my eyes will turn my eyes red now? That must have been a lot of blood. What was I doing?

Duke: I.. I don't know! You were an intimidating freak when we first met.

Fierdan: *chuckles* Oh, is that so?

Duke: *sighs* Yes, that is so.

Fierdan: *stretches one of his legs* Oh, I know what you can do. Turn your eyes black, so you can burn your blindfold that way.

Duke: *sounds offended* Why would I do that? Turning my eyes black is extremely painful!

Fierdan: Then just use your left eye.

Duke: No!

Fierdan: You're incompetent.

Duke: I can say the same about you.

Fierdan: Just roll your left eye back, so it'll turn black. It can't show up as white like normal people eyes, I heard.

Duke: Uh.. that's right. I'm not hurting my eye for this stupid thing though.

Fierdan: You're no help.

Duke: *laughs bitterly* Thanks. 

[Two people enter the room that Fierdan and Duke are in. Each takes off a blindfold. Fierdan blinks his eyes to see Sparkle standing in front of him. Duke blinks his eyes to see Cashier-Girl-No-Lady standing in front of him. The boys are confused. The girls smile smugly at them.]

Duke: *frowns while maintaining eye contact with the girl* What the fu--?

Fierdan: *speaks to Sparkle* Why would I ever help you with your homework after you did this to me?

Sparkle: I lied to you. I didn't need your help.

Fierdan: *stares into Sparkle's eyes* Don't lie to me.

Sparkle: *looks cheerfully back at Fierdan* Okay! I had to blindfold you two to keep you from knowing. It's for a surprise!

Fierdan: From knowing what?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: It was originally Dawn's idea.

Fierdan: Dawn? What's she up to?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: It was just gonna be between Sparkle and myself, but then Dawn suggested that we should include you guys too.

Fierdan: What do you want us to do?

Duke: I'm sorry, but who the hell are you? *points at Cashier-Girl-No-Lady*

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* You're a fool.

Sparkle: Ugh! She's the cashier in that store down the street. We used to go there every week.

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: I missed you, Duke.

Duke: Uh.. okay.

[10-15 minutes later.]

Fierdan: You.. you were dared to put makeup on me?

Sparkle: Uh.. yeah. Dawn told me you look great in makeup.

Fierdan: *is confused* When did I wear makeup?

Sparkle: *is also confused* She told me that you used to wear it all the time. Well, also dresses.

Fierdan: *starts to stand up* I'm going to talk to her.

Sparkle: Why would you do that? Relax, I won't hurt you.

Fierdan: *sighs* What are you planning on doing to me?

Sparkle: I'm only going to work on your eyes. 

Fierdan: *sighs* And do what?

[At the same time, but in a different room.]

Duke: So let me set this straight. You want to decorate my eyelids?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *sighs* Yes.

Duke: Why?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: The shape of your eyes would look great with this makeup on.

Duke: *rubs eyes* Is that a compliment? If so, thanks.

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: I like your eye shape.

Duke: *chuckles?* What the hell does that even mean?

[A few more minutes later.]

Sparkle: *is in the middle of applying eyeliner to one of Fierdan's eyes* You better look good with this stuff on.

Fierdan: I better. Don't lie to me.

Sparkle: You'll look fine. You and Duke have gorgeous eyes. I'm jealous of what yours look like.

Fierdan: What does that even mean?

Sparkle: *finishes the eye and starts applying eyeliner to his other eye (btw I don't put on makeup that much myself.. haha)* It means that you, and Duke, have eyes that make it easy to put makeup on. It won't look bad on you, I swear. Besides, I'm very good at putting on makeup. This is simple work compared to what else I've done.

Fierdan: Oh.. uh.. okay.

Sparkle: *nods and continues till both of his eyes have on eyeliner*

Fierdan: Anything else?

[Meanwhile with the other two.]

Duke: Well.. umm.. thanks for outlining my eyes?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: Do you want wings?

Duke: Uh.. I have my own. 

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: Huh?

Duke: My own wings. They're made of fire. They shoot out of my shoulder blades when I feel like it. They're kinda hard to miss.

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *smiles uncomfortably at Duke* I meant for your eyes.

Duke: *smiles* Uh.. what?

[Back with the other two.]

Fierdan: Oh, so this is what you meant by wings?

Sparkle: Yep.

Fierdan: When can I look at myself in a mirror?

Sparkle: I'm not done with you yet. I still have to put on eyeshadow.

Fierdan: What color?

Sparkle: *looks at her eyeshadow container with its many colors* Hmm...

Fierdan: Can I see it?

Sparkle: No.

Fierdan: *makes that offended sound*

Sparkle: Oh, I know! I'm gonna use this bronze color. It shouldn't be.. too much. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Fine, go ahead.

Sparkle: I'm kidding. *shows Fierdan the color* You can see it. This is what it looks like.

Fierdan: *looks at it* Oh, it's a nice color. It looks powdery though.

Sparkle: No, it's not powdery. Eyeshadow is supposed to look like this when it's in the container.

Fierdan: Oh okay.

Sparkle: Yeah.

Fierdan: By the way, I didn't wear dresses all the time. Dawn was exaggerating.

Sparkle: Wait.. you really wore dresses?

Fierdan: A dress.

Sparkle: Oh.. oh my god. That's adorable!

Fierdan: Adorable?

Sparkle: Yeah, that's cute. 

Fierdan: Uh.. okay?

Sparkle: Yep. *starts putting on the eyeshadow*

[A little less than ten minutes later. Sparkle and Cashier-Girl-No-Lady are finished putting makeup on Fierdan and Duke. The four of them walk downstairs.]

Dawn: Whoa, you two actually did it!

Sparkle: Yeah. I did a good job, don't you think?

Dawn: Yeah, wow, you did such a great job.

Sparkle: Aww, thanks!

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: Duke was so annoying.

Duke: Hey!

Fierdan: *looks over his shoulder at Duke and laughs*

Duke: That.. that was uncalled for.

Fierdan: What? You are a fool.

[Twinkle enters the hallway they're all in.]

Twinkle: You guys look pretty. 

Duke: Thanks.

Twinkle: I didn't know you and Fierdan would look that good.

Fierdan: Uh.. thanks.

Twinkle: You should wear makeup more often. It makes your eyes even prettier.

Duke: I don't know about tha--

Twinkle: *repeats "pretty eyes" to herself* Pretty eyes... 

--------------------------

yeah idk lol have this.

~ Cutepups ;-)

tired heh...

I wasn't really in the mood to post yesterday (but I was typing something at midnight). I'm not entirely in the mood to post now either, but here I am despite that.

I don't know lol. Around an hour or two ago, I got a headache and even more tired than before. Geez.. ouch. Ugh.

School.. heh. Not as bad today. It's okay, I guess. Yeah sure.

I don't think my skit idea makes that much sense. It's just.. well, I don't know how to really explain it.

Fierdan and Duke.. hhfgh haha. These hecking fiery boys. Pfft.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. In this case, I'm referring to how I think about my skits and how I try to post often. Is it worth it? I don't know. I'm just here typing away, I guess. Thinking about myself since this is my blog and all. Yeah.

I could get more attention if I post my personal ramblings somewhere else, but I also like the private comfortness of posting on here. I want comments/feedback, but at the same time, I feel relieved when I get nothing. Yeah ugh, I don't get myself at all. Smh.

What the heck? I feel so bad all of a sudden. The physical kind. Ugh.

Hmm, I'm gonna go to sleep early. I'm too tired to stay awake. It's so early though.

I intentionally bring temporary anxiety (idk how to word things) onto myself, so that I can stay awake and alert in school. Dang it, me, why are you like this? Yeah, uh.. heck.

Enough sleep? What the heck is that? 

Uhh.. I don't know why I decided to create a post now. This post is horrible, I'm sorry.

I want to draw Dawn some more. Not now, of course, but at some point soon. I want to draw her better. I want to draw her with her different looks that you guys don't know about. 

Ok so yeah lol. I'll totally do that. Maybe. 

I don't know what I'm ever doing. 

Well.. yeah, I'm done.

Bye now.

~ Cutepups ..

end of another sunday

Well, another Sunday and weekend is over. It's the start of another week. Yeah...

I'm up late because I want to type something in a post now. Again, again.

So.. huh.. where should I begin? Hmm...

I have another skit in mind. I wanted to post it sometime this weekend, but then I changed my mind because of reasons. Things happened, I got distracted; same old excuses.

I'm going all over the place with this post. Oh well, deal with it. I'm a mess, so what do you expect from me? 

While I was sitting in the car, I thought of Duke. Well, damn, I feel like I idealize his character too much. Again, again. So then I thought of what he did in some older (but not the old-old type- I don't think about that mess intentionally anymore) chapters. Duke.. geez.. I really hate him for the sh*t he did. He's so bad, and it's frustrating. I kinda really hate him, to be honest.

And of course, the same could be said about Fierdan. But I was thinking about Duke more than him when I was in the car.

I don't want to explain why I think this way. Whenever I think of Dawn nowadays, I see her as a symbol of growth and recovery. Especially recovery. Kinda like plants growing out of the dirt. Well, I'm thinking of making a Dawn themed poem around that plants and dirt concept. Dawn went through a lot. She has suffered. 

Dawn and recovery.. oh dang, that's some good stuff. Mm, oh god.

I'm just gonna type whatever I want to. My thoughts are constantly being disorganized and messy.

I had a dream I was driving a car and had to get to a specific destination. The brakes weren't working. I was nervous.

I had another dream where I was in one of my classes at school. Most people got assigned the iMovie project, but a few- one being me- got assigned the 2-3 page paper assignment. I felt relieved. That dream was realistic, I thought at first.

Yeah, dreams. They're something. Yeah.

---------------

I can't stop thinking about it. 

[Their] words keep replaying in my head.

God.. here I am typing another post at midnight instead of sleeping. Why am I doing this to myself? 

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm listening to certain songs with a certain mood right now. What a strange mood this is.

My (extended) family is doing pretty bad nowadays. Life is a mess. Hey, I'm also there. I'm also nervous. I'm also worried. I'm scared too, you know.

I really want to believe that everything will end up okay. But will it really? I really don't know.

I'm so scared. I hate being scared.

I don't know what to do. 

I'm closer than I've ever been. So why.. why...

Why am I scared of it now?

Why am I scared of it?

I'm so close to it, yet I'm keeping myself so far away.

I know this is all very vague. This kinda sounds like another one of my poorly written poems.

Why is it that more people like the poems I'm not that proud of? I don't understand.

Why am I scared of opening up and admitting the truth to them? 

Damn it.. why! 

I'm not doing that bad mentally/emotionally right now. I haven't reached a low in a few weeks, really. Not a low-low.

So I doubt I really need it. Am I faking? I mean, I'm doing pretty okay now.

Don't believe it. Don't give in. You'll fall again, Cutepups. You'll always fall again. At some point, you will. It's inevitable. 

Stop dismissing it. Accept it. They know. It can happen. You wanted this, right? It can actually happen for real. 

I'm scared of telling them everything. I don't want to hurt them any more. 

Tears. Fear? Anger? Disbelief? Sadness? Grief? Relief? Love? Comfort? I don't know reactions. I never know what I'll be expecting from people.

What am I hinting at? You know.. certain stuff. Yeah.. that thing. 

I really can't stop thinking about it.

And now, people irl know. 

They kinda know that I (might, possibly, probably) need it.

God.. I don't know.

One thing that distracted me was all of this.

I'm a mess. I'm okay, and I'm afraid of falling again.

But at the same time, I'm relieved about it. 

What a sick form of validation this is. Validation of suffering and pain. Huh.

2018 is the year of change. Change for the better.

I'll continue to try to be positive. No matter what.

Thinking of death so much was a stupid thing of me to do. That was ridiculous.

I'm trying...

Please believe me.

~ Cutepups