Gonna be a long day. Much later.
Well.. heh.. ok.
Midnight moods. Yeah.. gross. Feelings.. mm.. bad.
I just.. idk. :/
Why is it that my two most recent dumb, badly written posts have around twice as many views than my poem? Why is it usually like this when it comes to my badly talking posts compared to my better quality writing posts? The heck? Why lol?
Hah, can't life ever just be good? Seriously? It's like it can't.
Of course I was only referring to me personally when I wrote that poem the other day.
Personally, Valentine's Day was a better day this year than last year. No new death. Yeah.. ok.
And then there's the news. Life is shit. If it's not bad in my personal life (aka I don't feel bad as much/think about death/hopelessness as much), then it must be bad/tragic/just absolute shit for someone else somewhere else.
Death. Huh.. Valentine's Day.. not a good day. Painful reminders. Ok.
I'm wording this terribly. I know.
Gotta love (//sarcasm) lying in bed and then being hit with the realization that the people that used to be in my life are gone. They're gone. I can never see or talk to them again. I can't open up to them. I can't get to know them better. I can't ever become more comfortable around them. This could be about a lot of people, but I'm referring to people in my life who died.
God.. idk.. sorry for this word vomit. (Shut up, brain.)
I miss how it was like a few years ago. When they (we) were together and more towards happy.
It hurts knowing life (family) have never been nearly close enough at all to being as happy as when they were alive. It's not as happy anymore. And it can't come back. And this is without my added depressing and anxious thoughts that actually never leave me the hell alone. I like to pretend they do, but they really don't.
I miss the way it was back then. I miss it. I miss it so much. I'm so frustrated right now. At the news, at all this shit. I just hate this.
Thursday. School was pretty good. Pretty okay. I watched not just one- but two- TV shows in class. Didn't have to do work in two classes. That was nice.
Friday. Ugh. Gotta wait and see what happens.
My two recent dumb posts.. mm.. left me feeling gross. Vaguely reminds me of how I was like in 2014-15. Eww. I don't know that Cutepups.
Is it bad that I honestly have trouble remembering the details of how my life and thoughts were like before I started this blog? I barely remember. I keep this cursed blog as my digital journal where I record my thoughts and write stuff down from my story/characters. Without my blog, I don't have that much as an outlet. I view this blog as being different from posting anything on dA or tumblr, so.. yeah.
Me, before the age of 14? Me, before the age of 13? Me, before the age of 12? I don't remember much, and it leaves me so sad. I find it hard for me to remember my childhood. What the hell, brain? What's wrong with you? I don't know how my thoughts were like in 2014 and every year before that.
How long was I this current annoying, sad fool? How long did I want to die (but at the same time, not)? Is anxiety the only thing about myself that stays with me, and it only changes forms throughout the years? It sure feels that way. Anxiety seems like the only constant.
God.. what am I even saying? Go ahead and ignore this. I mean I expect you will. I don't know why I just had to say that.
I could rant/vent (both?) about my thoughts about the near/distant (both?) future for days on end. There's so much on my mind.
To keep it short, let's just say I'm paranoid that I'm setting myself up for self-destruction. I can't stop thinking that I'll deeply regret the decisions I made for college. The schools I applied to and like. The programs (aka majors) I'm interested. I feel like I'm purposefully making my life hell.
What if I was wrong? What if I don't want that? What if I can't handle it? What if I've just been lying to myself all this time? What if, what if, what if, what-- What is my future?
I don't know and it's driving me crazy. I want to know. I'm constantly afraid that I'm making all the wrong decisions. I can't just fix them just like that.
I keep messing up. What if all of this is just a huge mess up on my fault? What if what I once thought I wanted was something I actually never wanted? Am I only lying to myself? Am I the hypocrite? Liar, liar.
It's not gonna get any easier in college. It's only gonna get worse and worse and worse. Life only gets harder and shittier.
Excitement? Enthusiasm? When it comes to what happens next, I can't relate.
I'm too terrified. I'm too caught up in this web of thoughts in my head that say I don't actually have a future.
Sorry. I can't keep up this lie that everything is totally fine and okay when it isn't. I thought it was. For a little bit. It didn't last that long. I thought it could stay much longer. I was wrong. Faking positivity doesn't help much in the long run. It's ruining me more and more.
((It hurts. I'm sorry.))
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