End of 2017

Hi, so it's the end of another year. Can't believe it's already been a year.

I spent today totally different than last year. Well, that's pretty obvious.

I don't have much time to type up a blog post, but I don't want to forget to make a new year's post.

It's 9:30 right now in my time zone, so in two and a half hours it'll be 2018.

2018.. wow yikes.

I really would like for 2018 to be a positive year.. but I doubt it.

A lot is going to happen this year. And it's all stressing me out.

I'm glad I didn't spend today alone. It's been a pretty good day.

Last year, I was waiting and celebrating new year's on a cruise. So that was nice. Pretty memorable. What I did today was also something new from what I did in previous years. So that's good, I guess.

Here's what I hope to post in 2018:

- more poetry
- more art of my characters
- start to draw fan-art
- what I call Twinkle's Story "season 3.. or 4" (I call the months' breaks between chapters "season breaks" lol)
- better writing in general lol (poems, stories, skits)
- posting about my life but with less sadness and death talk

Yeah, all that is pretty vague. I hope I can keep these basic promises.

I'm going to possibly try to improve and get help in this upcoming year. Actual, this time.

I was thinking of making a post about a specific topic yesterday, but then I lost track of time and forgot to make that post. I'll post it soon.

2018 just has to be a decent year. It just has to. But will it? I don't know. I don't want to hold any false high hopes.

About Twinkle's Story, I noticed a typo I made in Chapter 75 just today. I feel dumb for not noticing it before.

When I wrote, "conservation", I meant to write "conversation". I don't know why I mixed up the placements of the "s" and "v". It's bothering me now, ugh.

For each year I've been blogging, my end of year posts have been very different. I've definitely changed a lot from my first year of blogging. Those old times.. oh geez.

Oh heck.

I don't know what else I could say right now.

Happy New Year! :D

~ Cutepups <3

for possible future use

Wow, I'm typing this when I'm on the couch downstairs. I usually create posts when I lock myself in my room, so.. that's different. I'm sitting next to my sleeping dog who snores pretty loudly. Her head is in my lap. Aww.

Yesterday was a crappy day. It was.. mm.. bad.

Don't try to understand what this post is about, unless I explicitly inform you on what it's about. You won't get it.

That's okay, though. It's okay.

--------------------

- shattered
- hollow
- emptiness
- broken
- fragments
- desperate
- clinging
- trust (issues)

- love
- hate
- indifference
- stardust
- black holes
- void
- galaxies
- celestial
- iridescence
- worth(less)
- help(less)
- hope(less)
- worth(y)
- help(ful)
- hope(ful)
- contradictions
- change
- constant
- stagnant
- care(less)
- care(ful)
- emotion(less)
- emotion(al)
- spirits
- ghosts
- life
- death
- dawn
- dusk
- sunrise
- twilight
- sunset
- midnight
- morning
- afternoon
- night
- mourning
- grief
- alive
- dead

- black
- white
- blue
- bruises
- violet
- violent
- violence
- blood
- scars
- red
- crimson
- gray
- silver
- gold
- bronze
- spectrum
- thoughts

- cats
- dogs
- my pets
- dreams
- nightmares
- pain
- sorrow
- beginning
- ending
- start
- finish

- drowning
- burning
- water
- fire
- peace
- war
- youth
- old
- young
- fragile
- strength
- weakness
- illness
- health
- cold
- heat

- can't
- can
- won't
- will
- angels
- devils
- disguises
- manipulation
- anxiety
- breaking down
- error
- euphoria
- dysphoria
- hatred
- resentment
- sensitive
- apathy
- empathy
- sympathy
- compassion

- 12/31/17
- 2017
- 2018
- loneliness
- alone
- agony
- swords
- bones
- organs
- muscles
- skin
- fat
- skinny
- suicide
- homicide
- natural
- too soon
- too young
- (non)existent

- music
- soul
- meaning
- purpose
- inspiration
- art
- poetry
- stories
- fictional
- nonfictional
- realistic
- reality
- fantasy
- utopia
- dystopia

- rain
- sunshine
- snow
- light
- darkness
- stop
- go
- cloudy
- sunny
- winter
- spring
- summer
- fall
- healing
- recovery
- family
- friends
- support
- rejection
- acceptance
- cycles

...............................

~ Cutepups <3

x.

I know I said I would make another skit, but I still don't have any actual ideas for the skit. So in other words, I have nothing. No skit post here.

A few days ago, I considered posting Chapter 76. 

But then.. I didn't feel like writing it anymore.

I can't focus on writing it all now. I probably won't post it before 2018.

I'll write it one day. I suppose.

-x-x-

Who am I kidding?

This isn't living.

This can't be considered living.

... I'm not living.

-x-x-

I'm not happy again.

Well, this sucks.

Actually, I don't think I ever was.

Happy.

Apparently, my happiness looks like someone who wants to die.

Oh. Okay.

I thought.

I thought wrong.

Just because I don't definitely Have To die anymore...

It doesn't mean I don't want to die.

I still. Want to.

This isn't living. It can't be.

-x-x-

It's funny.

Whenever I feel a little happier than normal, more energetic than how I usually am...

It always stabs me back like a double-edged sword.

It. Hurts.

Being happy leaves me a lot more tired. Physically, mentally. And I'm so tired.

-x-x-

I hate when I become that part of me that is most like Fierdan and Duke.

I hate it.

It's not good.

:(

-x-x-

I realized something.

For a while, I've been living on the verge of a breakdown.

So wow, huh, that's.. nice.

(No, it's f*cking not.)

This isn't living. This can't be considered being alive.

It just can't.

My eyes hurt. 

Every day, everywhere I go, my eyes feel like they're overflowing with tears.

And the slightest thing makes me cry.

I cry every day now.

Not even a good cry.

Just.. I don't know.

I hate this. Suppressed emotions, I suppose.

Everything hurts, actually.

-x-x-

Song lyrics from songs I currently have on repeat:

"I'm afraid to be alone."

"Afraid of the thoughts that I have conjured."

"I feel worthless. Maybe I should open the drawer, burn the pages, write poems with the ash on the floor, pour the ink into the sink..."

"I thought I was broken all this time."

"I'm afraid to be alone."

"I thought my demons were almost defeated, but you took their side and you pulled them to freedom."

(Oceans and Demons)

-x-x-

This post is sh*t and I feel like sh*t.

Coincidence? I think not.

At least my cat is in my room with me.

(I see her as my life saver.)

(They don't get that though. Of course they don't.)

-x-x-

As every day passes by, the more I feel like he hates me.

If I were to open up to them...

He'll just hate me more.

Ah.... :"}

-x-x-

That's it. I'm done.

I am so f*cking done.

Even good feelings end up hurting me. Happiness ends up being way more painful than apathy.

Being emotionless hurts a whole lot less than being emotional.

I hate being on the brink of drowning in my own tears.

I don't want to feel any of this sh*t anymore.

I'm done.

I give up.

-x-x-

Now there is nothing- absolutely no one- to physically be there with me.

There's nothing stopping me from self-destructing.

(Maybe that'll show them.)

(Maybe that'll enforce the fact that I have something- so many somethings- wrong with me.)

............

Giving up.

(I already did.)

Foolish Birthday Skit??

This is old, but I didn't feel like making a skit earlier. I'll make another skit later, don't worry.

Skit universe: Duke and Fierdan's birthday on December 19th. They're now somehow 18 and 20 in the skits. Yeah. 

[Date: December 19th. Time: 10:30 am. Location: School, in the class that Duke and Brock share..?]

Brock: *speaking loudly and enthusiastically* Hey Teach, guess what today is?

Teacher: *sighs* I have a name, Brock.

Brock: Oh, I'm sorry. Ms. Teacher, I mean.

Teacher: *rolls eyes and sighs*

Brock: *pushes Duke in front of him because he was standing behind Brock for some reason?*

Duke: Umm.. hi.

Teacher: *looks at Duke with less annoyance* What is it, Duke?

Duke: I...

Brock: *shouting?* It's this boy's birthday!

Duke: *looks sweetly at the teacher but also like he's going to stab Brock with a pen*

Teacher: *adjusts glasses* Is that so? 

Duke: Uh.. yes.

Teacher: Okay, and why did Brock have to yell this information to me?

Duke: I have no idea. 

Teacher: Okay, happy birthday.

Duke: Thanks.

Brock: Since it's Duke's 18th birthday, we should have a party and not do any work!

Duke: Uh, Brock, what is wrong with you?

Brock: *whispers in Duke's ear but loudly* I don't want to do any work in this class.

Teacher: I can hear you.

Duke: *grabs Brock's sleeve and pushes him away from the teacher desk*

Brock: Darn.

Duke: You're.. I can't think of any words to say to you.

Brock: But it's your birthday, and I overheard you and Twinkle talking about how turning 18 is special for you.

Duke: We still have to do classwork in school, dude.

Brock: *mutters* You really are a nerd.

Duke: *face heats up* I'm not!

Brock: Uh yeah, you are.

[Same date and location but in the school cafeteria. Brock is introducing Duke to a few very tall guys. Where is everyone else? I don't know. Pfft.]

Brock: Yo!

Guy 1: Oh hey, Brock, who's he?

Duke: *speaking to Brock* Why did you drag me here? Who are they?

Brock: They're my friends.

Duke: *gasps* You have friends?

Brock: Yeah.

Duke: Whoa!

Guy 1: *offers hand to Duke* Hi.

Duke: *hesitantly shakes Person 1's hand* Uh.. hi.

Brock: It's his birthday.

Guy 1: Oh huh, that's cool.

Brock: He's 18 now.

Guy 1: That's rad.

Duke: *looks away from them* Where is Finny?

Guy 1: Who?

Duke: My friend. Finny. Where is he?

Guy 1: I don't know who he is.

Duke: Ugh! *tries to push past the tall guys*

Guy 2: *scoffs* You're 18 now, huh?

Duke: *sighs* Yeah, I am. And I don't know why Brock brought me here to meet you guys. What, are all you guys 18?

Guy 2: I'm 16, shortie.

Duke: Shortie?

Guy 2: Yeah, you're so short.

Brock: *fiddles with thumbs*

Guy 3: You're older than all of us, but you're so short.

Brock: Umm...

Duke: For your information, I'm not short.

Guy 3: Compared to us, yeah you are.

Brock: Duke's nickname is supposed to be drunkie. Not shortie.

Guy 2: So he's short and drunk?

Guy 1: Dude, you're wild.

Duke: Mm. *looks bitter*

Guy 1: Well, it was nice to meet you.

Duke: You're the only one here who I don't want to stab with a plastic fork.

Guy 3: Why are short people so bitter and violent?

Brock: It's--

Duke: *cuts Brock off, yells* Brock, do me and favor and shut up! 

Brock: What did I do--

Duke: What did you do? Are you kidding me? You've been annoying me all day! You don't have to announce to everyone that it's my birthday!

Guy 2: He wanted to introduce us to you. Chillax, shortie.

Duke: And I'm not freaking short, stupid! 

Guy 2: *starts laughing*

Duke: *looks up at Guy 2 and glares* Why are you laughing? *balls hands into fists*

Guy 2: You amuse me.

Duke: I'm funny, you say? 

Guy 2: Yeah, shortie.

Duke: How the hell am I short? Cutepups says I'm either 5'7" or 5'8".

Brock: Relax--

Duke: No! I'm not gonna relax. He's pissing me off; you're pissing me off.

Guy 1: Watch your language.

Duke: Shut the f*ck up, you! 

Guy 3: You.. what?

Duke: The word I thought of saying would be too inappropriate for your ears.

Guy 3: Oh, really?

Duke: *stares defiantly at him too* Yeah.

[Their conversation gets interrupted by Finny and Twinkle.]

Finny: Oh, there you are!

Duke: Mmmfrrgh.

Finny: What?

Duke: *coughs* These are Brock's school friends.

Twinkle: *sounds offended?* Brock has other friends?

Duke: Yeah. Apparently, he likes befriending boys who like making fun of anyone shorter than 6'2".  

Twinkle: 6'2"? That's tall.

Duke: And look, they're all tall.

Brock: They weren't making fun of you for your height, drunkie. I'm not even 6'.

Duke: Then why did they call me shortie?

Finny: Wow, you get offended so easily, Duke. 

Guy 2: Can you take a joke? We didn't mean to upset you.

Duke: *speaking sarcastically* Yeah sure. You totally are sincere. You're making fun of me because I'm older than you and shorter--

Twinkle: Hold on. This argument is the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed.

Finny: This is pretty stupid.

Twinkle: It's very stupid. Shut up, Duke.

Duke: Tch.

Guy 1: What?

Duke: *speaking to the three tall guys* Don't come up to me, don't talk to me, don't make eye contact with me ever again. *walks away bitterly*

Brock: Heh.. sorry about him. He has bad memories with two taller, but older, guys.

Guy 2: Sure he did.

Brock: *sighs* They kidnapped him, tried to kill him several times, and mutilated his body. So.. yeah.. no big deal, right.

Finny: When did he tell you?

Twinkle: Aww, you're defending Duke. Do you like him, Brock?

Guy 2: What the hell do you mean by that? Do you honestly think I would believe you?

Brock: I would believe what I tell you about my friend, Duke, if I were you.

Guy 3: Why would people try to kill a kid?

Twinkle: You don't have the right to know about our lives before coming to this school. We don't want to scar you guys for life.

Guy 2: What the f*ck...

[~~~ Void TM ~~~ ????????????????????] 

[Date: December 19th. Time: 1:15 pm. Location: House- Fierdan talking to Ryen in the kitchen.]

Fierdan: *looking through the fridge* Have any drinks?

Ryen: *sighs* It's only 1 pm.

Fierdan: Yeah so?

Ryen: And you know you're the only one who drinks in skits.

Fierdan: So what? I'm thirsty.

[Fauna enters the room.]

Fauna: I threw out the alcohols.

Ryen: I didn't--

Fierdan: *avoids eye contact with them, whistles, tries to look casual?*  

Ryen: Umm.. Danny?

Fierdan: *continues to look awkwardly casual*

Ryen: Danny?

Fierdan: Don't know him.

Ryen: *sighs* Fierdan, do you know what she means? I didn't buy any alcohol.

Fierdan: And neither did I.

Ryen: Okay, then who did?

Fierdan: I don't know.

Ryen: Look at me! 

Fierdan: I'd rather not. 

Fauna: Wow, I just assumed he wanted alcohol. There wasn't any alcohol, you fools.

Fierdan: *stops avoiding eye contact and looking awkwardly casual* I knew that.

Ryen: Don't scare me like that! 

Fauna: *shrugs and leaves the room*

Ryen: Oh, I know what we can do!

Fierdan: *takes water bottle out of fridge, twists off the cap* Do what now?

Ryen: Holiday gift shopping.

Fierdan: On my birthday?

Ryen: Yeah, it's almost Christmas.

Fierdan: *holds up hand to slap Ryen*

Ryen: *grabs Fierdan's hand* Good, let's go.

Fierdan: What the f*ck is this skit, Cutepups?

Me: I don't know. Bye.

Fierdan: What?

Me: Bye!  

....... and this is the result of having no clear skit ideas. 

(tf is this? dam n)

~ Cutepups

hecking miracle?

I was thinking of making another post yesterday, but then I realized I had nothing good enough to post about. Then I went out, and watched a bunch of hour long episodes of TV shows.

Whoops, my bad.

So.. today's the 24th. At this time last year, I wasn't home. Wow, it's been a whole year since the cruise. Hmm.. yeah.. wow.

Time sure is passing by. Well, yeah. Of course it is.

I've been having such vivid dreams for the past few days. But this time, they're more good than bad. Dreams with interesting stories. Hmm.. yeah.

Hanukkah.. that miracle holiday. Yeah, Hanukkah is over. Oh darn.

Christmas.. today's Christmas Eve. I have to leave for a Christmas Eve "party" (I wouldn't call it an actual party) very soon.

Hanukkah Christmas miracle. For me. Emotional dramatic me thinks it's a miracle. 

What is? Well... I...

This morning, I opened my first college acceptance letter. 

... huh, I think I accomplished something then. Wow, how beautiful.

I might have a future, after all. I'm not a complete failure, after all. I shouldn't die before 2018 for another reason now. 

Hhhhhhhhhgaaaauhhhghh, yes. Way to go, me. You did something right.

Uhh.. gotta go. See ya.

ily bye <3

~ Cutepups :)

 

Sparkle, Cashier Girl- CD scene

Okay, this is getting a little old. I kept on forgetting to post this.

It's from the second half of that skit with Ryen and Duke driving in the rain. I didn't include a background in this drawing though. 

Cashier Girl is behind the counter, and the viewer is looking over her shoulder. Sparkle is standing on the other side of the counter. Sparkle isn't that extremely tall compared to Cashier Girl, haha no.

Hmm, here's the link to the skit I'm talking about: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/12/even-more-skit-adventures.html (the second half)

Sparkle is that pink girl. Pink obsessed. Yeah lol. That's a lot of pink.

I was too lazy to include a counter, so just imagine that there is one there. 

I didn't like how I drew this. Sparkle's hair, makeup, scarf, and bag are the only parts of this drawing I like at least a little bit. Everything else is trash.

I'll try to come back later. See ya.

~ Cutepups 

Story 2 only Elemental Power Characters

Well, except Ryen. I wrote enough about him already.

Remember that skit when Duke and Ryen were at that meeting and met the people who controlled the powers of illusion, metal, and water? 

Well, I drew those mysterious guys.

I drew this all today. These are all concepts. Nothing is definite. Not like anything I include ever is. 

I'll repeat what I wrote (my handwriting is bad) after I put the picture in. And put in extra info about each of them that I didn't write.

------------------------

On the left: Illusion Elemental Power.

 "Jack"- ? (name idea).

 (He is mischievous, and he has lots of tattoos and piercings.) 

- gay- maybe gay ace? not straight. 

- I ship him with Danny (aka Fierdan but under the name of Danny lol) at some point.

- He doesn't have eye makeup on (it's just a bunch of tiny black and purple tattoos just above and below his eyes).

- Does his work and is actually very good at it. He does, however, joke around a lot.

- Most social and outgoing out of these three.

- Performed a very complex Elemental Power to create himself as two different people in the -Jamaa- world. He entered the -Jamaa- world and made his body and soul separate into two- who call themselves Jinx and Jax.

- His Elemental Power is the only one that isn't based around an actual physical, basic thing. His is more mental and psychological. This makes him joke about his power being the best.

- Age: 18 or 19.

- Half white, half Asian (but countries and continents don't really exist as they are today?).

On the right: Metal Elemental Power.

"Elor"- ? (name idea).

- They/Them- none of the others know if they're born male or female.

- Covers body parts with pieces of metal for fun, and also to cover body deformities.

- Distant, straightforward. They don't like introducing themself to new people.

- I drew them with a metal headband, metal eyepiece around their left eye, metal cuff around their left arm, and with a piece of metal wrapped around their right arm from the wrist to inner elbow (what's that called?).

- Their hair isn't actually long. It's thick and curly.

- Doesn't talk about themself much at all, and even these other two and Ryen don't know about their younger days.

- Hides away often. They're the last one of these three to meet the other ones with Elemental Powers.

- Black. Not white. Obviously.

- But they spent a long time living on their own. That was until government officials found them and made them spend some time in an orphanage. They escaped shortly after until they found Ryen who took them in to live with him.

- Anyway, they're the closest to Ryen. They trust him the most, but their trust fades a little when the others with Elemental Powers come.

- Born with a physical disability due to their deformities, so they are always wearing some of the metal.

- Hates the government and basically 90+% of people with no Elemental Power.

- Age: 20, 21, or 22. They don't talk about their age much either. Very private person indeed.

On the bottom: Water Elemental Power.

- no name ideas yet :(.

- Cold, hates socializing.

- He is bitter towards Stella (Twinkle) for a while (because of Stella's ice-fire power).

- He gets annoyed easily.

- Fierdan/Danny (btw Fierdan/Duke as one person in story 2) gets on his nerves a lot.

- Serious and hardworking.

- Does his work successfully just like how Jack does, but he doesn't joke around like he does.

- His hair is wispy. It might look dark in the picture, but it's actually lightly colored. His hair is a silvery blond with a little pale blue. Kinda reminds me of toothpaste, for some reason lol.

- I drew him facing more towards the side than the other two.

- He can be a jerk. :/.

- Very introverted, but he doesn't hide away as much as Elor does. He meets the other ones with Elemental Powers right away.

- His personality contrasts Danny's so much. Heated, emotional, impulsive, fire power with Danny. (Fierdan is called Danny the most throughout story 2, so..). This guy with the water power is cold, and he thinks emotional and impulsive people are annoying and act unnecessarily. 

- He kind of is friends with Elor. They both dislike Ryen when he makes them meet his brother. Because Danny is so unlike them.

- Thinks Stella is copying him out of spite. But Stella denies that. (He thinks that because Stella used to believe she had the ice power- ice is one of his water power abilities- and Stella has short blue hair and is a little cold in personality like he is.) 

- White. As you can see. Yeah.

- Age: 18 or 19.

And for the other characters' ages in story 2 (not definite either):

- Ryen is 24.

- Fierdan/Danny is either 17 going on 18 (since that was Duke's age), 18 going on 19, or 19 going on 20. Yeah.. I really can't decide. Fierdan in story 1 is supposed to be 19.

- Dawn is 16. But her age is weird because before Fierdan went to Cincernum, she was only a year younger than him. But due to Duke being 17, Dawn is 16. (Ages are so confusing, and I don't understand anything I put down.)  

- Twinkle (Stella) is 17.

- Fauna is 14.

- Ardere is supposed to be like 13 when he's a human. Yeah uh lol.

So yeah, hope you enjoyed my bad art, handwriting, and descriptions. :> 

... Winter break! Yay! Let's hope I don't suddenly die in the next few days or weeks. Or not. 

Whew, this made me tired.

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups <3

Kill The Name (He Died That Day)

I started that previous post at the time it says at the bottom of the post. I stayed up till 1:30 typing that all up. 

Now whenever I look at my long posts like that, I feel annoyance. I annoy myself. I get it. I'm so annoying. My posts annoy me. I'm annoyed.

I haven't posted a character themed poem in a while. I said I had many in mind. Things happened, and I didn't have any interest in posting them. 

It's late December. My time is running out. I have to post everything before it's too late. 

Instead of typing up another post like that last one, I'm going to kinda explain some major thing in story 2 through poetry.

That's what this is. The title of this post is the title of the poem. I've had this poem idea for quite a few weeks or months now.

"Kill The Name (He Died That Day)" - Fierdan/Danny themed poem for story 2.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's ironic, isn't it?

The young man is finally whole

Yet he still feels it within himself.

The emptiness,

The hollow shell.

They say he's human

But he says he's not.

He's not.

This can't possibly be considered

Being human.

Filling up the missing pieces

Doesn't mean the emptiness

Goes away for good.

Surrounded by white.

White walls,

White halls,

White ceilings,

But his feelings are still the darkest of blacks.

It's easy to pour white paint over something

But pouring white paint through is impossible.

White paint on a black heart won't give it color.

Bruised knuckles 

Hot tears

Raw voice

Desperate words

The past,

The everything

It's nothing less than 

A nightmare that seemed to

Never end.

Until now.

His name is from that past life

And it's haunting him.

It haunts the young man as the

Poltergeist of past horrors and perils.

And he knows more than anybody else

That past demons love to stay attached and

Refuse to leave for good.

-x-x-

No matter the name,

The past will continue to terrorize you.

You can't be in denial, dear boy.

You can't start to play pretend now

Just because you never had a proper childhood.

Demons have many different forms

But you will never escape them.

Fierdan is who you are.

You won't be able to escape that.

Break away from the past.

The past doesn't define who I am.

Today, in this moment, right now.

I'll continue to punch holes 

In my bedroom walls

Even if that means  

All my knuckles will bleed

And all my fingers will break.

I've became numb to

Witnessing and feeling

My body bleed and break.

Fierdan is from my old life.

I've came here to reclaim the life I should've had.

But it turns out that's impossible

It can't happen.

Fierdan was who I was 

And I'm not inviting him into my new life.

"Fierdan has to die!"

I'll continue to scream

When I'm all alone and unable to stay asleep.

Don't think I'll stop

Because I won't.

I won't ever stop saying it

Until everyone in this damned place

Has heard and memorized every one of my words.

Every last one of them.

The past still has its grip on me.

Its touch is cold yet empty.

Just like how Soulless was with me

And they wanted to touch my body

With their sickening kindness.

In order for me to truly be free,

I have to delete myself from my past narrative.

Kill the name of Fierdan.

Fierdan also died that day.

I killed that name by coming here

Just like how Soulless died on that day.

The day the world ended.

If you really want to break away from your past,

Then you would only focus on healing

Instead of continuing to vent your feelings

Through damaging your own body.

Just because your inside is hurting

Doesn't mean your exterior has to visibly hurt.

Even if your physical pain is a quarter of your emotional pain.

Without Fierdan, who will you be?

You can't become a nobody.

Go on and reinvent yourself for the better

But what would throwing your name away do?

How will going nameless actually help you?

That isn't a real medicine,

It's only a placebo.

Fierdan died that day.

What don't you understand?

Why won't you get it?

I want that old part of me to

Go away and

Leave me alone.

Fierdan isn't who I am.

No, not anymore.

I'll reclaim my old name then.

I'll call myself Danny again.

Fierdan is dead.

Danny came back to life.

"Fierdan is dead!"

My past is dead to me.

Fierdan is another word for the past me.

And now it all died.

Fierdan isn't attached to me anymore.

Fierdan can't hurt me.

Because I killed him. 

Unfortunately, the dead are just as vicious as the living. 

The past may be dead, but it isn't resting peacefully in its grave.

uhhhhh later story stuff

Mainly the end of story 1 (aka Twinkle's Story) and the beginning of what I call story 2 (who knows if I'll ever actually write that though).

Yeah.. okay.. sure thing, Cutepups. 

Mm yeah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The skits I write is one of the few AUs I have for my story. The skits are the happy, "normal" life AU for the lives of all my (good?) main characters after story 1 would be finished.

I think I've said this several times already, but I'm going to say it again. The main story (story 1 and story 2 if I ever write it) is supposed to be a kind of messed up adventure of a tragedy. Umm, here's the thing. The story itself is more like a tragedy, while the skits are supposed to be way more lighthearted and like a comedy. That has always been my intentions. 

In all my skits now, I include hints for story plans I have. Yes, all of them. Well, fine.. the majority of my skits.

For example, the skit I posted yesterday. Finny and Duke were talking about their deaths (or something like that). Right? Yeah. They were. 

I guess I should clarify something first. A while back, I said in a post that I have a rewritten version of story 1 in my head where there are no "foxes" which would mean that all the characters would refer to themselves as humans. But that's not the only story concept thing that I want to edit. So in the recent chapters, Fierdan told Fauna about the three year age gap between the two worlds (the concept of actual ages in the -Jamaa- world is very messed up?). So how Duke referred to himself as being 14 in the story, he would actually be 17 (14 + 3 = 17). And that would be the same for the other characters, too.

So anyway, I want to rewrite story 1 so there is no "fox" substitute for human, and there is no three year age difference. Which would then mean Duke, for example, is 17 throughout story 1 instead of "14". I don't want him (and Twinkle, etc.) to actually be 14. That's way too young for me now, and it's making me feel haunted due to the story events that happen.

So basically, they're 17 year olds. Not 14. Yeah, I'm finalizing that thought. 

Now to bring it back to yesterday's skit....

In the story, Duke isn't expected to live till his eighteenth birthday. Right now in the 70s arc, the month it takes place in is September. All of the story before that took place in the late spring to the summer. The summer is almost over in the 70s arc.

And yes, I decided to make Fierdan and Duke share the same birthday. December 19th. The post before the skit (I think?) I explained why I came up with that date.

So to relate all that to the story, the 70s arc takes place in September, and Duke is expected to die before December 19th. Yeah, that's not much time. How tragic. I'm so mean, pfft.

Okay, okay, but why is Duke dying? Cutepups..? - you ask.

Well, well, well then. I, for one, am mean. :'-) 

Cutepups! :/ 

Okay, I'll kinda explain now.

I think I've always planned to kill Duke off before the end of story 1. But to be fair, my story plans aren't nearly as toxic as they were in 2015. 

(tw;;.////). In 2015, I had this -bad omg very bad- plan to make Duke die by suicide. And that's not even the worst part. Stupid 2015 me made Duke beg Twinkle to kill him first, but since she refused, he took the weapon (psst, it was a gun) back from her (he handed it to her first) and shot himself (in the heart because that's actually very important to his life.. lol). 

But then after 2015, I realized that yikes- that's like very bad. Don't do that, Cutepups. Omg stop.

Yeah, I know that in the actual story I made Duke think/say that he has to kill himself. Fierdan first said that. But then in the 50s or 60s arc, I made Fierdan rethink (oh hmm?) what he told Duke (so that killing himself is a physical waste since he only needs Duke's soul out of his physical body). 

Then Duke got a little frustrated at Fierdan for changing his mind. Because.. like.. (spoiler alert) Duke has been preoccupied with suicidal thoughts that didn't just start when Fierdan told him he had to die (in order to save the world? wtf?) but for years. And so, Duke thinks about how Fierdan hurt him again while he's in the car with Calliah because he has been so deeply thinking about death and now that's kinda been taken away from him again. 

Oh and as for why Duke decided to run away in fear of his life (Chapter 8.. oh heck), it was because he- and still is (50s arc)- not definitely sure if he actually wants to die or if he wants to continue living. To live or to die? Well, it gets hard to decide. Especially when you're (Duke's) screwed either way. 

Well anyway, 2017. This year, I still made Duke believe that he has to die by suicide (or murder?). But now instead of actually making Duke mcfreakin kill himself (yikes @me), he's not. He's not gonna (successfully) kill himself. 

Successfully because of past.. stuff. Not really getting much into that, though. (?????). Uh.. Duke is gonna die because his physical body (with that Soulless part, eww) is going to be breaking down and apart at a much faster rate towards the end of story 1. His body deteriorates. Even disintegrates. 

Duke's humanity died ever since he gets shot in the head. Once, and then several times. Duke isn't fully human, so even when his humanity gets killed (being shot in the head like that would result in death) he isn't fully dead. So then everything after that (like, the torture arc) happens when Duke is partially dead. He's a living dead. At that point, he's still alive because Soulless is desperate to keep him alive. That also makes Duke a lot more brutal and powerful. He gets dangerous. Not as a joke. Duke freaks me out, man. He's.. wow.

Basically, Duke fully ends up dying as a long delay from the day Risak repeatedly shot him in the head. Duke didn't immediately die then, but the slow process sped up after that happened. Add on Soulless claiming more and more of Duke's body in order to keep Duke from fully dying, and also his body being injured and broken due to Taurel torturing him for nearly a week. His body.. not the best condition.. literally breaking or already broken. 

Chances of living for long.. they weren't that long to begin with. He wasn't destined to survive. Sorry. :( 

As for why Finny said he died in the story universe, it's because I'm going to kill him off towards the end of the story as well. Actually, Duke dies a very few days after Finny. 

There are meanings behind it. It's upsetting, I know. But I love my angst. Ha, ha. Damn it.   

I'll list them. Some.

Their world is becoming more and more corrupted by the day. It's rotting. Why do you think all of the people who live more inland (Dawn and the rest of the main characters squad are at the coast) are living underground in complex tunnel systems now? It's because going aboveground is a dangerous risk. Phantoms (or whatever I'll call them) are roaming about everywhere aboveground. They took control over the world. At least their small part of the world. 

Duke's distinct connection to Fierdan who has a connection to being the creator of making phantoms the way that they are. Duke, Fierdan, and Soulless having (maybe even indirectly) caused phantoms to corrupt their world at a much faster rate than ever before. Duke- who has traits of Fierdan and Soulless, permanently- is growing up and becoming informed the most about Fierdan this year (and, like, also getting Fierdan's fire Elemental Power and some of Fierdan's thoughts and memories). 

And so that would mean Duke indirectly caused the world to become destroyed. The corruption always leads back to Duke and/or Fierdan. Just like how Fierdan did, Duke destroyed things that started out good and turned them bad. He.. kills everyone and everything that gets too close to him. Maybe not physically but emotionally. He's like a killer, guys. He kills people. He threatens to kill people (Chapter 39.. *cough*). So when Finny starts becoming close to Duke again (that still has to happen), it slowly ends up killing Finny. The world's toxicity and corruption that Duke indirectly caused will end up killing Finny. Yeah, that's sad. 

(Oh damn, it's 1 am.)

-x-x-

Haircuts. I find symbolism in writing story scenes with haircuts. 

I already wrote in a chapter where Twinkle cut off her long hair. So now it's short. She has short hair now. Yeah.

That could symbolize Twinkle breaking away from her past even more. It could represent her freedom. Freedom in what? Weaknesses and the past.

Later on, Duke's hair gets forcefully (and against his will.. of course) cut very short and then shaved off. He doesn't look like a beautiful boy looking like that, pfft. Uh.. lol.. I mean Duke losing his hair symbolizes him being forced into submission and weakness (he loses his hair because Taurel believes his hair correlates to the powerful black fire he used on Risak that killed him). Duke loses his freedom. Duke thinks about his past a lot during this time in the story. So that's the opposite of how it went down with Twinkle.

In the very beginning of story 2, Fierdan cuts some of his hair off. It's more like how it was with Twinkle. Cutting his hair is an attempt he makes to break away from his past and give him freedom. Fierdan had been staying in Cincernum for years, so he looks like a wreck down there. His hair is kinda very messy. High chance of tangles. He couldn't cut it that often, or at all. So when he's in Cincernum, his hair is kinda long. He just ties it up sometimes to make it look a lot shorter. He made all his hair fall by untying it in Chapter 75, for example. That's what happened then. Yeah. Well anyway, story 2 takes place in the other world (the one Ryen is in). Things are more professional and organized in the story's real human world. Fierdan- who got traumatized in the corrupted world due to past events, killing/healing people, being manipulated and abused many times, and doing the things with Duke at the end of story 1 which resulted in Fierdan also partially killing Duke- wants to distance himself far away from all that. He wants to change himself, and he has to pretend that he's not as f*cked up when he first meets his brother and the three other people with Elemental Powers (illusion, water, metal) in person. Fierdan wants to be normal, but he quickly fails at pretending that.

...... It's late. Yikes. Maybe I'll post about more stuff in story 2 later. 

Well, I don't know right now. 

Bye lol. 

~ Cutepups >:'} 

Special Skit

I don't know what to title these skit posts anymore. Any creative ideas? I have none.

I wasn't feeling good on this day last year. Today, I feel good. It's been a better day than I thought it would be. 

Well, that's good. :)

Hope you enjoy the skit (hehe)! :D ;)

--------------------------------

[Date: December 18th. Time: 2:07 pm. Location: Inside the school after the dismissal bell rang a few minutes before. To be more specific, at one large set of lockers. Finny and Duke are hanging around their lockers. They put on their jackets (it's December so it's cold; I'm still in school so they are too) after they close and lock their lockers. They're about to walk and exit the school, and probably wait for the rest of the squad that also attends that school now. But then Sparkle, with her jacket on and holding her schoolbag, turns a corner and runs toward them.]

Finny: ... So today's the final day, huh? 

Duke: *looks down to zip his jacket's zipper higher* Yeah, I guess.

Finny: *playfully nudges Duke's shoulder?* Have any plans?

Duke: *looks up and shrugs* No, not really.

Finny: In the story universe, we could never celebrate. Maybe we can celebrate this time.

Duke: Yeah, maybe we can. That'll be nice.

Finny: Well, haha, I won't be dead at this time tomorrow. Neither will you. We'll all be here and alive.

Duke: *nods* Not like the story universe. Never again.

Finny: *looks Duke in the eye* Never again.

[Sparkle approaches them.]

Sparkle: *out of breath?* Hey you, what did you get on the test?

Duke: Oh, an 84.

Finny: I got an 88.

Sparkle: *gasps* How? Your grades are so good!

Duke: But I didn't get an A this time.

Sparkle: *sighs and frowns* 

Finny: What did you get?

Sparkle: Uh.. well...

Duke: You didn't fail, did you?

Sparkle: Well, technically no...

Duke: Ryen could help you understand it better, y'know. But if you're too afraid of asking him for help, you can ask me.

Finny: Me too. I can help you if you'd like that.

Sparkle: Ugh, when did you get so smart at math?

Finny: Well, I--

Sparkle: I was asking Duke.

Finny: Oh, sorry.

Duke: I've always been good at math. I just.. never put in much effort back then.

Sparkle: *sighs* Well, I got a 68 on my test.

Finny: This year's math is supposed to be the hardest one. It'll be okay.

Sparkle: Yeah, I really hope so.

Duke: Yeah...

-----------------------------

I'm too lazy to think of anything else for that day. 

Onto the next day!~

------------------------------

[Date: December 19th. Time: 4:30 am. Location: Fierdan's room. To be more specific, Fierdan is lying on his bed, under the covers (is he actually sleeping? who knows?). He grunts and turns from his side onto his back as the door slowly opens. Ryen then quietly enters the room, and then slowly shuts the door closed behind him.]

Ryen: *goes to the edge of the bed, whispers* Hey, were you sleep-- *notices cup of mint tea on the nightstand* Did she wake up already?

Fierdan: *blinks open his eyes, sits up in bed* No, she's still asleep last time I checked.

Ryen: *touches the cup with the tips of his fingers* It's kinda cold.

Fierdan: *smiles (?) and stretches his arms* I made the tea myself. I know how to, you know.

Ryen: Oh, I guess that's right.

Fierdan: I went down to the kitchen around an hour ago to pour myself some tea. 

Ryen: You're almost always up at three in the morning, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Fierdan: But you're right. It's getting cold again. I should heat it up. *holds up hand, points index finger at the top of the cup*

Ryen: *chuckles* Why did you brew tea if you're not gonna finish drinking it?

Fierdan: *summons tiny orange fire at the tip of his fingernail, dumps that finger into the cold tea* The tea calms me.

Ryen: Oh, drinking the tea helps you able to stay asleep longer?

Fierdan: Yeah, I guess you could say that. *takes sip of the tea that he just warmed up*

Ryen: So you were sleeping just now?

Fierdan: Well, kind of. I was on the brink of being awake. Even if you hadn't come, I bet I would have woken up again.

Ryen: Well, you're getting a little more sleep. That's good.

Fierdan: My body couldn't take the long lack of sleep. And so, I fell asleep the other night. Despite the flashbacks resurfacing.

Ryen: The rest of us are proud of you for finally getting sleep.

Fierdan: Oh, yeah?

Ryen: Yeah.

Fierdan: Okay then. *drinks the tea, Ryen doesn't say anything else until he finishes the cup*

Ryen: Oh yeah, happy birthday, bro.

Fierdan: *puts cup back down on nightstand* Yeah wow, it is.

Ryen: A year older. How does it feel to be the big two-oh?

Fierdan: Well to be honest, I'm tired.

Ryen: *smiles* It's 4 am, after all.

Fierdan: Maybe this could be considered my first step towards being normal.

Ryen: Yeah, uh... *places one of his hands on top of one of Fierdan's* At least it's the most quiet and peaceful at four in the morning. None of the others are up yet. That gives us more privacy; more uninterrupted one-on-one talk.

Fierdan: If I really think about, these very early morning hours are pretty nice. Maybe even peaceful, like you said.

[Date: December 19th. Time: 5:50 am. Location: Duke's room. His door opens, and in comes Brock. Brock then sits on Duke's bed.]

Brock: Happy birthday!

Duke: *wakes up like the mess that he is, groans and punches into the air*

Brock: You're a year older now, drunkie. 

Duke: *is bitter* I really should lock my door at night. I could have gotten an extra ten minutes of sleep, but you just had to wake me up.

Brock: But it's your birthday, drunkie! 

Duke: I know that, square head. I also don't like being woken up earlier than I have to. Oh and you're crushing my legs.

Brock: *remembers he sat on Duke's bed and on top of Duke's legs, gets off the bed* Oh, whoops!

Duke: *rubs eyes* And why do you have to be so loud this early in the morning?

Brock: I'm excited for you and Fierdanny, that's why.

Duke: "Fierdanny?" *laughs*

Brock: Yeah. 

Duke: *gets out of bed* You come up with the weirdest names.

Brock: Aww, thanks!

Duke: Yeah, dude. 

[A little over an hour later. They're about to leave the house for school. They put on their jackets and grab their schoolbags.]

Dawn: *chuckles* Wow, you're getting old, Duke.

Duke: *speaks flatly* Thanks, but we're all getting older by the day. 

Finny: But now your age is a whole number greater than Brock's, Twinkle's, Sparkle's, and mine.

Brock: And my cashier girlfriend.

Sparkle: *sighs* Does she matter? She's not in this scene with us.

Brock: Excuse you? She matters a lot to me.

Twinkle: *sighs* Good for you, Brock, but the rest of us don't care about her right now.

Brock: And why is that?

Duke: *speaks to Finny* Your half-birthday passed a while ago, so don't say I'm a year older than you.

Finny: Seventeen is still a whole number less than eighteen.

Twinkle: Hey, maybe he's still technically seventeen.

Duke: Yeah, I don't feel eighteen yet.

Sparkle: Yeah, sure, okay.

Duke: Uh.. yeah?

Dawn: Should we head out?

Twinkle: Yeah.

Dawn: Okay.

[They leave the house.]

Duke: By the way, your birthday is next month, Finny. 

Finny: Ah yeah, it is. January feels far away though.

Twinkle: Yeah, not really. April is far away. That's my birthday month. 

Sparkle: I have to wait till February for mine.

Dawn: Wow, all of you are so old. My birthday isn't for a while. And I'll only be turning seventeen.

Brock: Wow, you're so young.

Dawn: Yeah, I know.

Twinkle: Hey, Duke...

Duke: Yeah?

Twinkle: I really do mean it. Happy birthday.

Duke: Thanks, and I know you do.

Twinkle: *quiets voice* No, I really do. I'm trying not to poke fun at you.

Duke: You're not bothering me. I get it, Twinkle. I'm annoying at times.

Twinkle: Haha yeah. But like.. compared to the story universe.. well, I prefer this version of reality where you're still alive.

Duke: *also quiets voice* And Ardere and Finny.

Twinkle: Yeah, of course them too. But I'm just so glad you're still here.

Duke: Yeah, it's much better here.

Twinkle: Definitely. 

.................

To be continued.

Maybe.

No promises.

Happy birthday, my fire boys. :') <3

~ Cutepups 

uhhhfghh

Hi. I'm posting when I'm tired. Again lol. Like always.

Just have this cluster of things I forgot to mention. Ok so yeah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's the 19th. It's their birthday. Supposedly.

Let's see how that'll go. Ah heck, school's today.

I got a skit idea. Haha.. yes.

-x-x-

I typed the majority of that last post at midnight and I was tired (but when am I not tired?), so excuse my typos.

"Spsrkle" lmao whyyy.

-x-x-

Can't wait for this week to end.

So close. Yet so far.

Terrible. :/

-x-x-

Oh yeah lol. I made Fierdan speak some -bad- iconic* lines of Spanish because that's like the only other language I kinda know enough, and I imagine him being able to speak a few different languages well.

Because.. Fierdan.. he's just that good. Damn. :/

I probably wrote those Spanish lines so badly omg sorry. ;;

So yeah. Fierdan.. what a guy.

-x-x-

Being happy is hard.

What's that like?

I'm just.. so tired.

I always say that.

I'm tired.

It's not a good feel. :(

-x-x-

I regret most posts I type when I'm really tired and it's late at night.

Geez, what a wreck I am. I'm the wreck. Ayy.

I write about "abuse" for my characters a lot, and after I hit "publish", I'm like, "Why did I type all that? :/".

Yeah. I annoy myself. A lot.

-x-x-

Gotta go. Bye now.

Words Dump (Friday - Sunday)

Featuring: angst, story stuff, and skit stuff.

Starting with the skit stuff.

(Warning: The water is deep for this post, so be careful before you dive in.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So for the past two newest skits, I tried to make the themes of them revolve around Spsrkle as the main one and Duke being a lesser one.

But then I gave up on continuing it. So that's that.

Oh and haha yes. Their birthdays. Duke and Fierdan. Same yet so different. Same soul, perhaps. Same birthday. December 19th.

For the past few years, that day has been awful for me. So I forgot why I chose that day. I think I found some meaning in December and in the number, 19. I also think I didn't make it any number in the 20s because I already knew that characters I liked have birthdays during then. At least I think that's what happened.

December: cold, winter, snow. Opposite of hot, summer, heat. Half a year away from the start of summer (June). Well, in the northern hemisphere. Fire keeps people warm in the cold. Fire is a blessing in the freezing cold. Warmth and December don't really match.

19: Teenage number. The last number of the teenage numbers. Teenage angst vibes which then turns out to be a long list of trauma and settling down with what they've got. And they've got a lot of sh*t. Nine. One less away from ten. Nineteen. One less away from twenty. One less from evenly rounding it off. A frustrating number. A 9 instead of a 0.

December 19. Sagittarius. Fire sign. Extroverted. ... some other traits that I forgot.

. . . . . .

In the story itself, I've been imagining their ages as this: Duke, 17. Fierdan, 19.

But I don't imagine Fierdan creating the DUKE fusion and then bringing it to life through a fetus (wait, what?) when he was two. It's supposed to be two years after Fierdan had fallen to Cincernum.

The ages are really messed up. I'm sorry.

Yeah, ahhhhhh.

In the skits, they're gonna turn 18 and 20. But in the story, they're not gonna reach those ages. Well, in their current body forms.

Yeah ha, ahhhhhhhhhhh.

. . . . . .

Sparkle is only known as having long, bright pink-red hair. Well, that's hair dye. She never left her hair natural for a few years.

I don't remember why I made it like that, but I must have had a reason for it. But yeah. Sparkle is Duke's cousin. It's highly likely that Sparkle is Duke's cousin from his father's side of the family.

Sparkle's natural hair is brown. That's not a surprise, I hope.

The photo in the skit is supposed to be from a very old formal family event. I imagine the girls and women in dresses and the boys and men in dress shirts and pants.

There are two children in the photo- Sparkle and Duke. Sparkle looks happy and lively. Duke tried to appear happy, but it's easy to look beyond that facade. Duke's smiling in the picture, but it also looks like he's trembling. His eyes look empty as if there's no life in them.

Duke's childhood was a whole mess of fear.

In the skit, Duke wanted to destroy the photo. That's the closest you can get to destroying a memory. Duke still lived with Calliah during that time of the family event. Parents fighting and abuse were a regular occurrence.

Yeah, bad times.

As for why Duke couldn't stand seeing Eternal (his dad) in the photo, the skit universe is an alternate universe to what happens after story 1 (Twinkle's Story).

Duke's torture arc is also called his Realizations arc. And yeah., sh*t hurts.

Eternal is paralleled with Z(ios) kinda similarly to how Duke is paralleled with Fierdan. Fathers with their radical beliefs. Extremists.

Spoilers: Duke was actually glamorizing Eternal. Eternal wasn't a good father. Eternal was a bystander. Calliah abused Duke nearly all the time, but he didn't really do anything to try and stop her. He just watched, basically. Later on when Duke's 12 (I think?), Eternal sends Duke away so they can't live together. He sent his son away without giving a proper explanation. Well, that's kind of a parallel to what happened with Z and Danny (Fierdan).

So yeah. :"}

-x-x-

Story stuff: not as long.

Twinkle is such a bad@ss in Chapter 76. There's stabbing and sword throwing. There's gore. There's gore on the sword and on her body.

It's the.. more pleasant type of gore.

Instead of Dylan, I think I'm going to make a character's real name be Jack. Jack is like a trickster and is like the joker card.

Jack, the illusionist. Most intriguing Elemental Power. Most powerful? Ayy, I don't know.

Spoilers: Jinx and Jax are heavily linked.

Jinx, Jax, and Jack are supposed to be closer to Fierdan's age (whatever tf it actually is). The J boys are probably 18 or 19 (so 15 or 16 in the three years less which makes Duke 14 when he's more like 17.. uhh yeah).

And now for my personal dump. :-)

-x-x-

From Friday afternoon.

"I'm so restless. I can't do this."

-x-x-

I was walking around, and then suddenly it happened.

All I could smell was nail polish/nail polish remover.

I didn't even use those products.

Weird.

-x-x-

For the past few days, I've been feeling as if I can't be happy. As if happiness is a foreign concept to me.

I'm still not happy, but I've started feeling a little better on Sunday.

I also have been feeling the heaviness of an empty heart. I can physically feel it nowadays. It's painful in a way.

I've been wanting to tear my heart out, and then crack me open down the middle in the front. Let a demon take my organs.

I still feel like I'm going to crack open one day.

-x-x-

I had a happy dream for once. Still had it's more unpleasant times, but I would still call it a good dream.

I was driving and there was this sign with an arrow pointing down a winding path. I missed the turn the first time around the loop, but I made it the second time.

The road led to a zoo. There was this one big cage that stood out in particular. I thought the bear was ferocious and all gray. When the shadows went away, I saw a smaller and kinder bear. The bear was gray and white. Then it turned into a tapir. I didn't even think of those animals in so long.

I had that dream Saturday morning.

-x-x-

A few days before that, I've had these very vivid dreams (or was I awake during those?) where I poured out all my crap feelings for the past few months especially.

It haunts me still.

It's kinda scary how seriously lonely and hopeless I get. And how seriously I think of letting myself die.

But that's only in the sometimes. I try to not let it get too far. Too bad. Too far gone.

Oh and I forgot to mention. Pouring all that out to my family. Making such a dramatic scene. Yeah haha, I'm emotional too.

-x-x-

•-•

Yet Another Skit

[Date: December 14th. Time: 9:20 pm. Location: Upstairs hangout room.]

Sparkle: Because Cutepups is the master that controls us all, I found this in my room.

Brock: Huh?

Finny: What do you mean, Sparkle?

Twinkle: I can't tell what it is. It's so dusty.

Dawn: *now with a fluffy robe on top of her clothes* It looks like a photograph. 

Fierdan: Hay un foto misterioso. ¡Feo!

Ryen: *cringes?* Please stop. 

Fierdan: No. F*ck you.

Sparkle: I swear I will never understand their brotherly relationship.

Dawn: *sighs, crosses arms* Why would you word it like that? 

Sparkle: Well, uh, I mean.. they're brothers. I can never tell if they hate or support each other.

Dawn: Haha, I really have no idea.

Sparkle: *starts wiping off the dust* Oh, yeah, okay.

[A few minutes later, and a lot of the dust has been removed from the mysterious photograph-looking object. Duke has also been in this scene the entire time, but this is the first time he's saying anything since Sparkle returned with the object. He pushes past the rest of them, and then he stands very close to Sparkle.]

Duke: How did you get that?

Sparkle: It was a family picture. From, you know, one of those big family events.

Duke: *shivers as he looks at the object* It's a photo. You were right, Dawn and Fierdan.

Brock: Oh, I want to see!

Duke: *glares at Brock more seriously than usual*

Brock: Uh.. so it's a photo, huh?

Twinkle: That's what he just said.

Duke: *is now staring with wide eyes at the photo that only he and Sparkle can see* Why do you have this? I thought the past.. I thought it got destroyed.

Sparkle: Apparently, it didn't. We can look back on that good part of the past.

Duke: *speaks very softly, making it impossible for anyone besides Sparkle to hear him* None of the past was good. I don't care that we were younger back then, the past was never good. Maybe for you it was, but it wasn't for me. You should have known that.

Brock: So what's going on?

Duke: *speaks much louder, looks up from the photo and faces the rest of them* Go to your rooms.

Dawn: Why?

Duke: It's getting late. There's school tomorrow.

Dawn: But it's only 9:30?

Duke: Good night! 

Finny: Hey dude, are you okay?

Duke: I want it.. *takes the photo out of Sparkle's hands*.. and I need to destroy it.

Ryen: Destroy what, exactly?

Duke: *clenches teeth, holds the photo in the total opposite way of gently*

Finny: What's wrong, Duke?

Duke: The photo! It's all wrong! I don't want to ever look back at myself looking that way. My clothes.. my face.. my eyes.. the emptiness... *very tiny flames start appearing around his fingers*

Fierdan: Okay, I'm done. I'll figure out the various languages at a later time.

Twinkle: Wait, what's going on?

Fierdan: *runs up to Duke and wraps an arm around Duke's upper back* What's wrong?

Duke: *is either more distressed or is calming down* Father. Mother isn't there in the picture, but I know I still lived with her. The.. the abuse happened a lot during those months.

Fierdan: Mother? Yours?

Duke: Calliah. That woman you ruined.

Fierdan: Uh, right...

Duke: Ugh, you don't get it! Don't pretend to understand! *removes Fierdan's arm from touching Duke's back* 

Fierdan: The past was a f*cking hell. I know it was, Duke. Calm down, plea--

Duke: *yells and the flames grow in size* No! *drops photo which then gets covered by the fire* 

Sparkle: Really?! *carefully picks up the photo before it gets deeply covered in the orange flames* 

Brock: Umm...

Sparkle: Look here, Brock. 

Brock: *looks at the photo with Sparkle while Fierdan, Ryen, and Finny try to calm down Duke* You're the girl, right?

Sparkle: Yeah, that's me. That's what my natural hair looks like.

Brock: You still looked pretty back then. You should wear your hair naturally again. I know it's been several years, but still.

Sparkle: Well, umm...

Brock: It's called a compliment. You're welcome, by the way.

Twinkle: *clears throat* Uh... *goes up to Sparkle to also look at the photo, and then motions for Dawn to also come look at it* 

Sparkle: *points at each person in the photo* Here I am, and here are my parents, and over here is Duke, and there's Duke's dad on that side.

Brock: Duke was shorter than you?

Sparkle: Yeah, I used to always be taller than him.

Twinkle: Interesting...

Brock: Geez, his hair looks so light.

Sparkle: Haha yeah, he looks so different with no black or darker brown hair.

Twinkle: You two look like cute little kids.

Sparkle: Okay then.

Twinkle: Looks.. nice.

Sparkle: Okay.

Dawn: Yeah okay, I'm gonna go to my room now. I'm still so cold.

Twinkle: Okay, I'm gonna go too.

Brock: It's not even 10 yet!

Twinkle: I don't care, I'm tired now. 

Brock: Well.. okay then.

End of the skit for the night of December 14th. That's it. No more from this day. 

-x-x-

But the actual date is: 12/15/17.

12/15/17.

Heck.  

New Skit Thing

Hi, I'm here to start part 1 of a several part skit thing.

New skit thing. 

The entire post got deleted. 

Oh. 

Good thing from today (Thursday): My school had a delayed opening.

Bad thing: The FCC apparently repealed net neutrality. 

.........

I'm so sad right now. The entire skit is gone. What the f*ck.

Whatever. I'll just make part 1 shorter. And different. And worse. (Iwanttodieagain)

-----------------------------------

[Date: December 14th. Time: 9:00 pm. Location: Upstairs hangout room.]

Twinkle: Okay so, it's been well over a week since you left for the day with Ryen. 

Duke: *wearing a dark gray hoodie, refuses to look at Twinkle* It doesn't matter.

Twinkle: What doesn't matter?

Duke: It doesn't matter what happened then. It's not important, anyways.

Twinkle: Ryen won't tell us anything about what happened, so I'm asking you.

Duke: *raises hood* Nothing changed.

Twinkle: You said something was gonna change. What was gonna change?

Duke: It didn't change. It's not important.

Twinkle: Remember when we confessed to each other our darkest secrets?

Duke: *lowers hood and finally looks at Twinkle* Of course I do. The X's.

Twinkle: *looks sad and uncomfortable for a moment, lifts right arm and stares at the forearm for a moment before bringing it back down* Oh.. yeah.

Duke: That's what you were referring to, right?

Twinkle: Well, I--

Duke: I know that's what you were thinking about, even if you weren't conscious of doing so.

Twinkle: Ugh, stop changing the subject! Just tell me one thing that happened that day.

Duke: Okay. *sighs* Being emotional apparently is a death sentence.

Twinkle: What?

Duke: It means that you should have gone with Ryen instead of me because I get easily emotional and I'm dramatic.

Twinkle: Oh, you know about that?

Duke: Of course I know I'm like that. I'm not that clueless.

[Brock, Sparkle, Dawn, and Finny enter the room. The atmosphere has changed.]

Brock: Guys, want to know what changed? *points dramatically behind at Sparkle* Sparkle did!

Twinkle: Uh.. how?

Sparkle: *sighs* Nothing changed about my appearance, Brock.

Brock: Are you sure? Your eyebrows look clearly brown.

Duke: *snickers* Dude, are you serious?

Brock: What?

Sparkle: It's called I always make sure my hair is dyed. The color you see in my eyebrows is my natural hair color.

Brock: What? No...

Sparkle: Duke and I are related. I'm not related to Fierdan and Ryen, though.

Brock: Is this a joke I'm missing out on?

Sparkle: *sighs* Why would I lie about that?

Duke: Hey, do you remember who that person, Eternal, was?

Brock: That's a horrible name, but yeah, I remember. He was your father.

Duke: Good, you remembered something.

Brock: Okay, and?

Duke: Eternal had a sister. She is Sparkle's mother.

Brock: Oh.. interesting.

Sparkle: Uh.. okay.

Dawn: Do you want to know what really changed? It's something called the weather. It's freezing!

Twinkle: Well, it is the winter.

Finny: Technically, it's still autumn. It does feel like its winter now though. The high today was 20 degrees Fahrenheit- well below the freezing mark at 32 degrees.

Dawn: I'm so cold! And we're inside!

Finny: Do you want me to fetch you a blanket?

Dawn: No thanks, I'm good.

Finny: *is confused* Uh.. sure.. okay then.  

Twinkle: *now speaking to Sparkle* Oh, I wonder why you keep your hair dyed.

Sparkle: *glares at Twinkle for a second* You know why.

Twinkle: Of course I know.

Dawn: Wait, what was the reason?

Sparkle: She didn't like my natural hair. And soon after, I didn't like my hair either.

Twinkle: *smirks* Oh, that's such an unhealthy friendship. Oh dear!

Sparkle: *is annoyed* Shut up!

Finny: She isn't here. She can't control you anymore.

Duke: Thank god. I hated that b*tchy friend of yours.

Sparkle: Ugh! *storms out of room*

[As if to replace Sparkle's presence in the room, Fierdan and Ryen enter the room. I'm typing this skit as quickly as I can, and the first version was a lot better. This will do, I guess. Screw Blogger for crashing and not saving a draft I had saved many times.] 

Fierdan: *counting on his fingers and muttering to himself* Cinco días. Tendré veinte años en cinco días. What the f*ck.

Twinkle: Uh...

Ryen: He's been like this all day. 

Finny: Umm...

Duke: It's almost our- Fierdan's and my- birthday. We're getting old.

Dawn: Yeah, witnessing you guys turning those numbers is--

Fierdan: What the f*ck, what the f*ck! In five days, I'll be 20. I don't even know if I'm speaking that other language correctly; I haven't spoken it in so long. 

Duke: Is that the language the ancients called Spanish?

Ryen: Yeah, that's the one.

Duke: Hmm.. interesting.

Fierdan: Uh.. okay.

Twinkle: Well.. I.. gotta go. Bye. *slowly backs out of room*

Fierdan: Oh--

Twinkle: What are you doing back here?

Sparkle: *is back* I found something old.

....... uh okay wtf. More coming next time on Cutepups suffering channel (aka this blog)! 

*collapses and starts crying* 

It's late- I love sabotaging myself

For real though. I cause myself to self-destruct.

Heh. I took a long nap after school though.

I feel like crap. I can't breathe that well, and I can only breathe in something that smells like crap (which is probably also me because no matter what I do, I always smell somewhat bad). I feel like there is this invisible force putting a hand around my neck and putting pressure on my throat.

And on top of that, my hell body decided to make me start my . which means even more body aches and pains. F*cking fantastic!

So.. the news about net neutrality, huh. Well, it's the 14th now. In my time zone at least. It gets voted on today. I think.

Well anyway, without net neutrality, I doubt I'll be able to access this blog (or any of the other sites you know me on) without having to pay extra money. This blog is small and I don't get money off of it (but I could put up ads though I don't like doing that for now at least).

I know the internet won't be immediately affected if net neutrality ends up getting repealed. But like, damn.. I'm so f*cking terrified.

My life revolves around the internet. I know so many other people say that. I'm probably wording this very badly, but like.. okay- without the internet, I have/am (almost) literally nothing.

I think I probably will end up trying to severely hurt myself if something happens and I won't be able to access this blog and the various other sites you might know me on (oh and also websites for school stuff, can't forget those either). I honestly think I'll have nothing left if all of that is taken away. Taken away as in for a long time (weeks, months, years).

I still think that I deserve to die. I'm honestly not a cool, fun person. I'm being realistic when I say I'm sad, bitter, lonely, stubborn garbage. I'm not.. "good" and nothing really is "okay".

My best friends (people who actually try to understand and help me and make me laugh) are only people I know through the internet. The only actual friend I have left in person (irl) isn't really like them. Nobody makes me happier and more willing to stay alive than my internet friends. Nobody I know irl is even close to being like them. So without the internet and being able to communicate with them, I have no one I can casually talk to like that. That's like a coping mechanism, gone. A reason why I just shouldn't kill myself already, gone. So yeah, I am worried about this net neutrality stuff going on. I hate how nobody irl even knows or cares about what's going on. Oh, I'm thinking too much? No sh*t, I have f*cking anxiety.

I also use the internet for: listening to music (my paid music is old and crappy), watching TV shows and sometimes movies (ex. on Netflix; shows I see on TV aren't as good), applications (college, job), school stuff (class wikis, checking grades, writing and handing in papers...), etc.

Without the internet, the majority of my coping skills and social interactions will be gone. I'm so scared of losing you guys. God.. that must sound so stupid. I'm such a loser, I know.

But hey. At least it's Hanukkah. They even lit the candles without me. Oh.. okay...

She's leaving on the 15th. F*ck, sh*t, damn it. Ugh. Who, you ask? Not you, not saying who.

I can't stand myself. I regret and cringe at myself all the time. I constantly see myself as that kid from high school who killed themself soon after (or before, tbh) graduation. "Classmates would be devastated and all of them would notice".. yeah sorry but that's a lie. Lmao what world do people who say that live in? You don't know every story, every person. You don't know me.

But I can't actually do that. I have plans soon after graduation. I can't kill myself because I'm going to a country in Europe at the end of June. Not just that, but on a cruise. The trip sounds awesome. I can't make myself miss that. I have to stay alive, so I can go on it.

----------------------------------------------

I have a new long skit theme in mind. I was thinking of including the first part in this post, but that wouldn't really -fit in- this post and its topics.

Maybe I'll post it later today. No promises.

Bye now. <3

aight

Hi.~

We're using my new menorah. I didn't see it in so long, and so when I saw it again, I realized that yeah it's pretty gorgeous. I love it, wow.

Today (Tuesday) has actually been... not that bad. Pretty good day after school. At home.

There's officially a trip planned. Ooh yeah, that's exciting. It's during the summer. Yikes, that's far away.

Apparently, there isn't any medicine in my house. Ah, the lovely feeling of suffering. Umm.. ouch.

I woke up at 3 and kept waking up every half hour since then. Geez, I'm tired.

Should I start a new skit thing? Hmm?

I'm too tired to right now. Maybe I'll post a skit thing later.

When exactly is later? I don't know.

'Later,

~ Cutepups

hmm...

So I looked at my posts around this time last year. I apparently also felt sick on December 11th last year.

I feel sick today. I'm not doing so well.

I have a summer vacation plan now. So I have something to live for and look forward to. It's so far away though. Gotta survive through this winter hell first.

I drank more tea. Tea is good. I'm in pain. Gonna make this post short. Not gonna include a Monday skit. I'm not in the mood to, so I'm sorry about that.

Well, Hanukkah begins tomorrow. And of course I had to get sick.

Maybe this is karma coming after me. I've been a bad person yet again this year. I've done bad things. I lied and pushed people away. And those are only two examples.

Due to how much I lied and acted like a jerk and how many times my hell brain lit up suicide as an option during this year, maybe I deserve to feel bad. I don't really deserve good things. Maybe I deserve to suffer when everyone else I know is getting festive and jolly.

I really messed up, and I don't know how to fix the thing. I'm so scared. I hate being scared.

I hope we'll use my new menorah this year. Couldn't use it last year since we were on the cruise.

I just.. want to be okay. I want to know when things are going to be okay. If that'll ever happen.

I'm scared for the 14th and 15th. Ugh, I hate these painful feelings.

I don't think I really changed that much from last year. Nothing really changed. Things got worse. Things got a little better. Things got bad again.

I can't really hear things that clearly, and I can only smell something very bad right now. Ugh, this sucks.

I slept a lot more recently, but it turns out that sleeping more makes me even more tired. I'm going to sleep early. Maybe I can actually fall asleep this time. I hope so.

Blegh ugh. Blah, blah, blah. Cutepups can't stay with the cool happy facade for long. Yet again. As usual. Smh.

I'll end it here. I'm done. Bye for today.

~ Cutepups <3

oH

Hey. Have this bad post.

By the way, the cd in that skit was from a skit I made in 2015. It's a real cd. I made this new skit where Sparkle returns it because I feel so -well, idk, very bad- about it. Actually no, I don't know what to feel. I just.. don't know. I'm not gonna link to that old skit post. Yeah eh.

I slept so horribly. I woke up so many times in the middle of the night. I feel a little sick. I have my easy classes today, and I don't want to miss school though.

My stomach feels weird. It doesn't exactly hurt. It just.. idk. I don't like this feeling.

My throat started hurting a little on Sunday. It still hurts. Barely.

I can't really breathe through my nose. Again.

I might finally have something worthwhile to look forward to in the future. Might go on this vacation in the summer. Sounds pretty lit.

Oh and by the way.. umm.. just because I've only been posting skits and stuff about those silly things doesn't mean I'm okay now and that everything is fine and dandy.

Because it's not. I'm still doomed. Nothing.. none of this.. is all okay.

December didn't cure me or make me happier or whatever. I'm still tired and stay on my bed whenever I'm home for the most part. I'm still sad, sorry lol.

I have so much freaking guilt and regrets locked inside me. And it hurts.

Unlike the past few years, I didn't make a negative reflective post on December 1st. I mean.. what would be the point of posting that? Based on the last two weeks of November (or maybe the whole month, but especially those two weeks), you guys probably know I'm not doing good at all. Finding genuine coping skills is hard since most of them don't even work. Is distracting myself through thinking about my story and characters a way I cope? Yeah probably. What could I have said? That 2017 has also been a crappy year, and that I can't bother having any high standards for 2018? That I still want to die? That maybe I've been posting happier stuff lately because I want to leave this blog on a good note, and that I take comfort in knowing that if I were to die, it'll be by me on one of these December days? That I can always escape if I really wanted to? I could have said that, I guess, but idk.

11 days late.

Well, I gotta go. School's today.

~Cutepups

Driving in the Rain (colored)

I just finished colored the drawing I posted yesterday. 

Right now, I like how it looks. Well, that's nice.

Here it is:

I chose a specific part in the skit that this drawing is from.

Duke: I still get bad dreams about what I did to him.

Ryen: It was a test that you weren't able to study for.

Uh, just pretend that the car's headlights are flashing. And of course I had to make Ryen driving a black car. Oh and the car seats are supposed to be a lighter shade of black or a dark gray. The car's outside color is a deep dark black.

Ryen is wearing a white shirt with a black collar and buttons. Duke is wearing a gray buttoned down shirt. The lines on the windshield and in the background are supposed to be drops of rain pouring down. The blue-black in the background is supposed to be the sky. It's supposed to be a dark blue sky because it's getting close to sundown (4:00 pm is the time the skit takes place and it gets pitch black at like 5 lol and plus it's raining so of course the sky is dark).

I have more skit drawings, hehe. :)

Bye for now...

~ Cutepups <3 

Driving in the Rain (skit scene)

Hey, I started drawing my favorite scenes from the past few skits I posted.

The first one I drew is a scene from the skit I posted yesterday. Here's a link to that post: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/12/even-more-skit-adventures.html 

I have a sketch based on the first half of that post. It's the car scene with Ryen and Duke. It's when Ryen is driving in the rain after he and Duke left the meeting and are coming back to the house.

I also think that skit scene was disappointing and low in spirits. Nothing funny there.

So yeah, I drew that part. :)

Duke is on the left and looking out the window; Ryen is on the right and driving. It's supposed to be raining then. That adds on to the gloomy atmosphere I tried to show in that skit.

I'm bad at drawing cars. I looked at some images of cars, so that helped me draw this car at least a little decently. I know I drew some parts of the car off and messy. I tried fixing it, but I couldn't make it exactly right.

I think this is the first time I drew Ryen without his face looking so big. It only looks slightly bigger than Duke's here because he is facing forward and Duke is looking to the side. Ryen is also taller than Duke.

Honestly, I have a few older drawings of Ryen. I don't want to finish them (color them) because I don't like how I drew his face in any of them. His head isn't really that big, pfft.

Right now, I like this drawing I sketched out. It's better than the several other things I drew recently, that's for sure. Well, things I didn't post. 

So yeah. That's it. Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups <3 

Even More Skit Adventures

[Date: December 1st. Time: 4:00 pm. Location: A car that Ryen is driving with Duke in the passenger seat; they're going to the house. They are almost at the house, but then it suddenly starts raining. Duke sighs tiredly, and he messed up his hair so it's no longer neatly gelled back. Ryen tightens his grip on the steering wheel and turns on the windshield wipers.]

Ryen: *sounds bitter?* Ah great, now it's raining.

Duke: *speaking quietly* I'm sorry I ruined it.

Ryen: I knew this would happen.

Duke: Oh, you did?

Ryen: Yeah, kind of. They just have to get out of their emotional numbness.

Duke: *speaking slightly louder* I don't get how they don't know. It's universally known that emotion fuels fire in people. Anger, frustration, rage... passion, love... those emotions drive fire. To be devoid of all strong emotions, fire can not be created from the body.

Ryen: I really think that they didn't mean it like that. Showing emotions is healthy, but it's only healthy in the right situations. Where they and I work, showing too much of any one emotion outside of our base could leave other people suspicious and getting hints about our work. It could end in every single one of us getting arrested, and at worst, killed. Having Elemental Powers and working with them is strictly illegal and against the government and their views on how society should be. Being discovered is a wound that won't ever heal; there is no reverse to it.

Duke: What does that have to do with the fact that that intimidating person forced me to flashback to those days I spent with Taurel in complete isolation? *looks outside window and watches the pouring rain* I wasn't allowed to see the sun for a week. *sighs* I still get bad dreams about what I did to him.

Ryen: *turns steering wheel so the car turns right at the corner* It was a test that you weren't able to study for. I didn't know they would do that to you, and I don't think the other two expected it to happen either. They just wanted to check how much emotion you could contain before.. being unable to control it any longer. How easy it is for you to spill emotions due to having pressures against you to go break away from the professional atmosphere.

Duke: I know I'm too emotional. I show emotions too easily. Maybe they can help me to suppress my feelings and repress my memories.

Ryen: Emotions aren't bad. You just have to learn to control them.

Duke: *still looking out the window, crosses arms* Mm.

-x-x-

One Week Later.

[Date: December 8th. Time: 3:00 pm. Location: The store where a certain skit character works. Sparkle is wearing a fuzzy-looking light pink jacket on top of her outfit because it's December and it's cold outside. She is carrying one of her larger pink purses. She enters the store and walks toward an employee of the store. When Sparkle is in front of the employee, she takes a cd out of her purse.]

Sparkle: *tries to hand the person the cd* I would like to return this, please.  

Employee: *arches eyebrow* Sparkle, is that you?

Sparkle: Yeah, it's me. *pushes cd across the counter to the employee* I want to return it.

Employee: *chuckles* You bought that over two years ago! You can't return an item that you already opened and used, it's the store's policy.

Sparkle: I don't want this anymore. I'd rather return it to the store than have any of the guys burn it or worse.

Employee: *smiles, leans over, and puts elbows down on the counter* Brock told me that you no longer make weekly commercial skits. Haha, no wonder you haven't been around here in months.

Sparkle: And I can't believe you're still talking to Brock. *sighs nostalgically* Remember when we first met? Brock wanted to date you so badly... I guess his dream came true. 

Employee: Oh, how are you and Finny doing? I heard you two started to become a couple--

Sparkle: Oh.. yeah.. we broke up. Several months ago, in fact. I guess nobody told you.

Employee: Oh...

Sparkle: When we first met, Brock would only call you Cashier-Girl-No-Lady...

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *chuckles* Yeah. I'm so glad we finally gained our chance to mature a little since then. 

Sparkle: Well, Duke and Dawn definitely have matured a little since two years ago. *chuckles* Those two were crazy back then.

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: I missed all you guys. Tell them to stop by sometime, okay?

Sparkle: Sure, but uh, what about the cd?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: We're friends, so I'll take it from you.

Sparkle: Thank you so much! 

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *smiles and picks up the cd* 

That's it! Bye! ":D

~ Cutepups