It's late- I love sabotaging myself

For real though. I cause myself to self-destruct.

Heh. I took a long nap after school though.

I feel like crap. I can't breathe that well, and I can only breathe in something that smells like crap (which is probably also me because no matter what I do, I always smell somewhat bad). I feel like there is this invisible force putting a hand around my neck and putting pressure on my throat.

And on top of that, my hell body decided to make me start my . which means even more body aches and pains. F*cking fantastic!

So.. the news about net neutrality, huh. Well, it's the 14th now. In my time zone at least. It gets voted on today. I think.

Well anyway, without net neutrality, I doubt I'll be able to access this blog (or any of the other sites you know me on) without having to pay extra money. This blog is small and I don't get money off of it (but I could put up ads though I don't like doing that for now at least).

I know the internet won't be immediately affected if net neutrality ends up getting repealed. But like, damn.. I'm so f*cking terrified.

My life revolves around the internet. I know so many other people say that. I'm probably wording this very badly, but like.. okay- without the internet, I have/am (almost) literally nothing.

I think I probably will end up trying to severely hurt myself if something happens and I won't be able to access this blog and the various other sites you might know me on (oh and also websites for school stuff, can't forget those either). I honestly think I'll have nothing left if all of that is taken away. Taken away as in for a long time (weeks, months, years).

I still think that I deserve to die. I'm honestly not a cool, fun person. I'm being realistic when I say I'm sad, bitter, lonely, stubborn garbage. I'm not.. "good" and nothing really is "okay".

My best friends (people who actually try to understand and help me and make me laugh) are only people I know through the internet. The only actual friend I have left in person (irl) isn't really like them. Nobody makes me happier and more willing to stay alive than my internet friends. Nobody I know irl is even close to being like them. So without the internet and being able to communicate with them, I have no one I can casually talk to like that. That's like a coping mechanism, gone. A reason why I just shouldn't kill myself already, gone. So yeah, I am worried about this net neutrality stuff going on. I hate how nobody irl even knows or cares about what's going on. Oh, I'm thinking too much? No sh*t, I have f*cking anxiety.

I also use the internet for: listening to music (my paid music is old and crappy), watching TV shows and sometimes movies (ex. on Netflix; shows I see on TV aren't as good), applications (college, job), school stuff (class wikis, checking grades, writing and handing in papers...), etc.

Without the internet, the majority of my coping skills and social interactions will be gone. I'm so scared of losing you guys. God.. that must sound so stupid. I'm such a loser, I know.

But hey. At least it's Hanukkah. They even lit the candles without me. Oh.. okay...

She's leaving on the 15th. F*ck, sh*t, damn it. Ugh. Who, you ask? Not you, not saying who.

I can't stand myself. I regret and cringe at myself all the time. I constantly see myself as that kid from high school who killed themself soon after (or before, tbh) graduation. "Classmates would be devastated and all of them would notice".. yeah sorry but that's a lie. Lmao what world do people who say that live in? You don't know every story, every person. You don't know me.

But I can't actually do that. I have plans soon after graduation. I can't kill myself because I'm going to a country in Europe at the end of June. Not just that, but on a cruise. The trip sounds awesome. I can't make myself miss that. I have to stay alive, so I can go on it.

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I have a new long skit theme in mind. I was thinking of including the first part in this post, but that wouldn't really -fit in- this post and its topics.

Maybe I'll post it later today. No promises.

Bye now. <3