guess this is it

Hello!

I'm not completely sure yet, but this will probably be my last blog post of 2016.

Oh wow.

I was going to make a post on the 20th, but schoolwork was keeping me busy and got me too tired afterwards. I didn't post yesterday because I was tired and didn't feel well after school until 11. And now it's after 2:30. Nice time management skills you got there, Cutepups. Pfft.

Well, I'm glad I don't have to stress about tests and projects for the rest of 2016. It's over. Yay.

I'm leaving in less than 4 hours. Whew.

I'm such an overreactive crybaby. Geez.

Last post, am I right?

Ha, ha, ha.

Yesterday. Ha, ha.

I was having lots of anxiety before, and I told them what was bothering me. Well, a part of it. Anxiety. Didn't help much. So, oh well, I tried.

The pets are gone. They're at the kennel. Because. Going away for over a week. Yeah.

Oh yeah. I think that sometimes the comment moderation thing doesn't let me view comments in the moderation thing until a few hours after a comment is typed. Inconvenience.

I don't know.

Heh. I wanted to go on AJ more days this month. I guess not.

Haha. Duke's birthday was on the 19th. What the heck. I never made up birthday dates for any other character. Man, talk about terrible author skills. Poor technique, Cutepups. Pfft.

I feel like I should bring up something important now, but I don't know what.

Umm.. shoot.. uhh.. All of you guys are, like, super cool! Thanks a lot! I love you, viewers! Be my friend, even though my social skills are awful, and I'm leaving today and won't be back until 2017!

What the heck was that.

I might make another post before I leave. Might.

Well, I don't know what else to add.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! Please let the rest of this year be good, and please let 2017 be a good year.

Life, I'm begging you. Please.

Bye! ♡♡

hi sorry uh

I'm still here. Unfortunately. So, well, hi. Sorry for not posting for a few days.

(Why am I even saying sorry? Uh...)

Anyway. I didn't post anything this weekend because I was sleeping a lot this weekend. And when I wasn't sleeping, I was probably on tumblr or watching Netflix. Oh and studying too. Yeah, pretty boring life.

I slept so much, and yet I still felt very tired. Like you would think that sleeping for 10 hours instead of 6 would make me feel less tired throughout the day. But no. Wrong. Still, if not even more, tired.

Today though. Oh boy. Having dreams that always leave me anxious is terrible. Ok. Terrible. It sucks. Can't even have happy dreams. Even sleeping makes me sad and stressed. It's like. It never ends. It sucks even more when I felt good that day, but still end up having bad dreams. What the hell. I hate this.

Ever have your eyes hurt so much they feel like they're burning? Yeah, that's another weird thing with me. Being on the verge of crying for several hours but not being able to cry due to where I am, well, it freaking sucks. Living on the brink of collapsing and crying all day for days freaking sucks.

I feel sick. But not exactly sick. I don't know. It hurts and I just feel bad.

Positivity. I wish I could genuinely believe it. But I don't. My self-esteem is too low.

I'm just so tired of everything. Can everything just stop? Please.

Nowadays, I get mad and frustrated so easily. It's sickening. Like really though. Can the slightest inconvenience that lasts only a few seconds not cause me to feel angry? It's just a little thing. Ugh.

It also would be great if I don't automatically think of wanting myself to die whenever something stressful and inconvenient comes up. Like. Not wanting to die sounds fantastic. Not feeling that now. Life is too big and too much for me right now.

I'm such a flawed human. Can't be normal and like other people, I suppose. I'm that bad, I suppose.

Anyway. Being guilt-tripped. It sucks. It's awful.

My mom and sister just love to make a big scene when I'm not happy. "Why aren't you happy? You better be happy and socialize. Stop being so mean. Be happy. Only be happy. You jerk."

Like, haha, I'm never truly happy. I can smile and laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I've been depressed for a long time, and they just love to just excuse it as being "the teen years". Not many teens think they're so hopeless in their own future, have moodswings from being happy to wanting to die in the course of one day or less, scared of interacting with other people, having pains with no explanation, and wanting to die. Most teens have a normal social life. Most teens have friends. Most teens can think rationally and not want to die when they can't think of what to do when they grow up. Some do, sure, but most probably don't. Just "the teen years", yeah right. Sure it is. Just excuse how I am for shyness, sadness, or irritability.

Better yet why not guilt-trip me and make me feel even worse? You're clearly suffering more than I am. Make yourself the victim. Bring up topics that could cause family drama. Say it's my fault, that I'm useless, that I'm the bad one when I already know that. Thanks for re-enforcing those thoughts, mom.

Oh and then insulting me for not having friends. Yeah, haha, great. Screw you. Guilt-tripping me about that. Not like I lost all of them because of things they couldn't control. Not like we lost touch. Not like I can't come in contact with them. And if I do, I'll be way too nervous to say anything. Oh right, that's all true though. I have no friends left. They are gone. Stop reminding me that I have none. I have barely any trust for new people left, so of course I'm not going to make friends easily. I'm always paranoid that people I consider my friends will leave, and it ends up being true every time. Why even bother anymore? My social skills are so bad that I don't even deserve friends.

I have a fear of abandonment, but in the long run, if they have to leave I let them. I'm way too anxious to stop and be in their way. They're not the ones in control of leaving. More important life factors are.

Damn it. I hate that quote that's all about how you have to let some friends go because it ends out things weren't meant to be. Haha for real though. Is that with every single person then? Every friend left. Haha, what do you do if you have no one left? What's the point in living?

I feel like I can't trust anyone irl as a friend. I feel like I can't trust anyone online either. I'm too hurt to package my life to other people. I always say I feel so alone because I am. People online used to make me think otherwise, but not anymore. In the end, I'm seen as a friendless and socially inept loser by my peers at school and my family.

Well, I made myself start crying. Haha. Ow.

I swear my family better not think I'll magically get better just because we'll be on a cruise. Realistically, I won't suddenly become happy all the time and become an extrovert. In your wildest dreams, mom.

At least I won't be reminded about how much I suck at being social. They can't leave to their friends' houses if we're all on a cruise ship. That's something good.

All suffering together. All trapped together.

For two classes today, I got scared when the teachers approached my desk. I was so preoccupied with the thought of them having to say something to me which would make me feel bad about myself. But they didn't bring up those topics. Gosh, I'm such an anxious fool.

School is stressing me out a lot.

:' )

cold weather, pale skies, positive vibes

Hello. ^-^

It's getting cold here. Low temps. Maybe it's cold across the country.

I'm so tired.

On the bus to school this morning, I saw the moon was still visible and high in the sky. Having to wake up so early the sun isn't even up yet. Wow smh school.

I also looked up at the sky then. I like looking up at the sky on school mornings when I'm outside. The skies are so beautiful, and they make me feel calm and happy. I love looking at skies. They're so nice. The morning sky I saw was a pale light blue and a light pink. Where the colors met, the sky looked white.

It's like. The early morning sky is so pure. So peaceful. So good.

For a few days, I took ibuprofen  (aka Advil but not that brand) because of ongoing body aches. And a little while after I take it, I feel better. Not all better, everything's fine, no problem. Not that. It's just that I feel that I can manage better. I don't know. It's like it reducing my body aches also reduces the negative feelings and thoughts I have. And it's nice.

Haha, I had to work on a drug project for a few days. Oh man. Drugs. Many websites. Information. Wow.

Still have to do another project in less than a week though. Ayy.

I know I've made some "Pray for ______" in the past, so what the heck time for another one. Kind of.

What's going on. Terrible. Tragic. Devastating. Civilians. Humanity?

Too tired to type up a huge paragraph like last time. So. Umm. Pray for Aleppo.

So much hurt in the world in these past few years. 2015 and 2016 especially. I think.

Why must the news only focus on how much the world sucks?

On personal life news, it's happening. In one week. Guys. It's one week away.

"To what?" you may ask.

Well, to me finally leaving you all alone. So you don't have to cry as you check and see a new post on this blog. For 12 days. I think.

I'll be away then. It's almost cruise time. Heck yeah.

So that means I won't be making any bad posts on Christmas, during Hanukkah, or on New Year's Eve and Day. No live-blogging New Year's as I sit at home by myself and cry this year. Oh wow, such improvement. I'll be away and having a life for once. Wow, that's pretty incredible.

And if I survive this adventure of cruising, the next post that'll be from me will be in 2017. That's wild. 2017! Wow!

Anyway, I'll conclude this post with some links.

https://themighty.com/2016/04/self-care-ideas-for-a-bad-day/
I found a post on tumblr that linked to this. I looked at what it said. And I like this a lot. Self care. Life ref.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIViy7L_lo8
The year summary of 2016 according to Google.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH1jY2jQuy4
A reminder. You have worth. You are good enough. I have worth. I am good enough. Reminder because lately it feels like it's so easy to forget. It's not good to let those thoughts of guilt and self-hate to become overwhelming. It's not okay. Reminder to us all. At one time or another.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDI8OjA6FjY
A video informing us that even though lots of bad news happened this year, a lot of good things happened too. And there are also good things that are around regardless of the year. There is still good and love in the world.

++♡♡☆☆++

~ Cutepups

the fool is back again

Ah yes. Hello there. I am the fool. Please be free to call me Blue the Fool. Or Blue the Loser (Blueser). Or a disappointment. Or a stupid idiot. Or a lazy failure. But yeah, I guess Cutepups works too.

Anyway, how are you all doing?

I hate myself. :'))

I had bad dreams for a few nights in a row. And then the one night I don't have a nightmare, I wake up with a headache. So yeah. Life. Sure is dandy fun, huh? Not really.

I made so many stupid mistakes in school. Regarding homework things. Haha, I'm such a stupid idiot. I don't want to go into full details or anything, but it's like I only make myself read what I want to read. Forgot to read the homework on the wiki, forgot to include page numbers for another class's homework- and I wrote to include page numbers on my homework paper and yet I didn't do it. And that's for only two classes. On Tuesday, I screwed up in three classes. In one day.

I really hate myself. :'))

I bet every day until winter break is going to feel very long and go by very slowly. Before December, classes haven't felt so excruciatingly long. But now they do. And I feel terrible.

About winter break, I kinda doubt that I'll genuinely have fun then. I won't have any access to the internet for basically the entire break, so I can't do my dumb coping mechanism of oversharing about my life on my blog/s.

Which means I'll feel even more trapped and can't escape. Yay. :'))

So I can't run and hide away from my family demanding me to engage in conversation about either:

School (grades, classes, tests, "friends")
Exams (about the SAT)
College (which one, what major am I interested in)
Guilt-trips ("you never talk to me and I'm left alone", "you're so mean to me", "you're such a bad person" lol)
How I fail as a person (about my deeply flawed social skills, how I'm just a complete failure at most things in life)

:'))

I won't be able to escape from everyone wanting to know about my future even though talking about my future makes me feel bad emotions (yeah, I'm that awful). But hey, there's nothing else to talk about.

Psst, I can't stop thinking irrationally about how I won't have a future. Which is just so, so, so convenient in these conversations.

Anyway, moodswings are terrible. A few hours ago, I was being overly sensitive and started crying for a reason that wasnt even that serious. Like, it wasn't even that bad? And I still cried? And then I felt hopeless in everything regarding myself living life. I'm losing it. A few hours later, I felt not as sad and crappy and in the mood to not exist. Smiling and laughing instead of crying. Like, what even are my feelings? I don't know what to tell people.

Oh and here's a thing that ticks me off. Ok so. When classmates feel like a failure because they think they "got such a bad grade, it's the worst". And then I tell them the grade I got which was- oh, lower than what they got? and they still are saying how they're the worst when- goddamnit I told them the grade I got which was a lower grade than what they got. Does that make me worse than being a failure? Because that's what I'm getting.

And if this is in text messages, I end up having to say encouraging and positive things to make the said person feel better.

Me? Me doing that. What the heck. Me, the one who drowns themself in self-hatred, existential dread, and thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore because life seems too much to handle and I'm that freaking weak ends up sending positive, here's-an-attempt-to-cheer-you-up messages.

And not getting any "thank you"s for trying to help them.

Augh, I hate it so much. It hate it all.

Damn it. It would be a normal thing to worry about a bad grade. But I don't do that anymore until it's way too late. I don't care as much as I should. And that's not good.

So like. I know I should be even more upset about the grades I got since they were worse than theirs. But I just can't.

In the end, I am just hurting myself.

It's just. If my mindset/way of thinking is productive and "normal" instead of being a jumble of negativity and depressing things, then I'll be a different person. I would be better.

Ugh, I really can't stand myself most of the time. It's hard to be positive and happy when I'm really not. And if I am, those good feelings don't last that long. And on top of that, I'm unmotivated and unproductive in the more important things in my life. I already put some defensive fake personalities on top of what I'm genuinely feeling to anyone I come in contact with in real life.

Oh, I don't know. I should go.

Bye.

Nightmares :/

Um. Hi.

I woke up around an hour ago. I'm too scared and physically uncomfortable to fall asleep again. So, uh, that's great. So great, huh?

No, it's not great.

I went to sleep earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was my bad dream that woke me up.

Brain, can you stop. Just stop. Stop it.

That one was way too realistic and stressful. Man, that was terrifying.

How to calm down..? I don't know.

Hmm, here goes.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Yeah, that didn't help.

Ugh, I never learn. I'm only making myself worse. Hahahahahaaa.

How to escape and not feel as trapped..? I don't know.

I hate this.

Bye.

Some awful art

Actually. No. I made myself feel worse. Wow, I hate myself.

Well, uh, I have some drawings I could post. So, uh, here goes.

I drew this first one yesterday and colored it today.

And these two are from the summer. I finally finished that Steven Universe sketch page. 

Eww my art :/ 

Go to my deviantart (BlueBlazingSpirit) for proper descriptions. You can see what I look like on there too. But I look way different now. Yeah.

This weekend went by way too fast. 

Bye.

uh idk sorry

Hi. My stomach is hurting for no reason again.

I still have to write an essay for tomorrow.

*sighs*

I got rid of the playlist. It was making me uncomfortable. Because I just get uncomfortable. Ok. Too much death in the song lyrics. Don't be too concerned about me.

Like. Come on. Guys. I'm kid-friendly. Look. I'm posting about a kid's game. It's called Animal Jam.

No need for those songs. No need to lowkey bring up my declining mental and physical state. And how I kinda-but-at-the-same-time-not-really-exactly wanna die.

Haha boi. I'm a mess. Yeah man, that would be me.

Oh and I also had nightmares last night/this morning. Actual ones. Help. It's like I get nightmares only during the weekend. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I only get over 6 hours of sleep during the weekend. Haha. Haa.

I saw that Fantastic Beasts movie today. Good. Nice. Yes.

In other news, school is making me cry. Projects. Why.

I learned my dad used to be a screenwriter. Wow lmao learn something every day. Those stories he wrote were.. er.. interesting? Um lol. ??????

I'm so scared I actually won't have fun during winter break and will be miserable again. No wifi. Can't escape. Have to answer them. College, SAT, future. Talk, talk, talk. Only that. I feel trapped already.

What makes life worth living for you? Like. What makes you happy? What makes life exciting?

Shut up, Cutepups. Shut up, we get it you're sad again. Give it a rest.

The dreams were so bad...

My skin is annoying me. Again. My eyes hurt. Again.

That's fine. It's okay.

Why do all dreams start good and happy but end up leaving dream-me embarrassed and very sad?

Why...

They really hurt this time. Reminded me of something that happened earlier this year that I wanted to forget.

.............

Sorry. AJ. That's right.

...............

I need a break. In general. From lots of things in life.

Bye.

what the???

Hello there. It is I. Cutepups.

Wanna know about the dream I had since I just woke up half an hour ago? ;)

No?

Aw ok.

Gonna tell it anyway.

Ok so. I was sitting at this place, right. And the next thing I remember, this person comes over to me. I assume she's the waiter. But no. She's not. She turns out to be an owner of a bar and ______ club. Scary. So then she shaves the sides of my head. Then I look like I have this weird buzzcut. I then walk out and go home.

I'm then on a bus with my mom. We're in this city, I think. I don't even know.

Then I'm home. This is the most realistic part, guys. Because my dad is on his computer again. And he asked me if I knew about a specific college's open house. Which I replied no. Yeah, that happens a lot irl. Anyway, he searches it up. It turns out the open house ends, but then everyone goes see a Broadway show. Because this college is in NYC. We never went to their open house.

And then I'm home again. It's in the middle of the night, and I'm on my bed with my computer instead of working on a project due that morning. So then I see this picture up. It's on an AJ blog. It's this pink USA map showing where every AJ blogger lives. Like what state they live in. It turns out every state had someone on it. Then I checked my state. Someone else was on it. I was like, wow rude. Then these fancy skirts showed up. They ended up being Jamaaliday gifts. They had nothing to do with winter or the holidays. They were just weird fancy skirts.

So somehow AJ bloggers were in my dream. And I only talk with four of them at most. And I knew them all. Yeah weird.

Then the map turned the states into red and blue states. Ugh politics. Then I shut off my computer. And went to sleep.

Yeah wow. That was my dream. Wild.

*finger guns and runs away*

changed my mind

Um. Hi.

I lied. I didn't make another post on Thursday. Or any on Friday for that matter.

Yeah sorry oops.

I let most of my sad feelings and shiz out in different ways. So I won't ramble for too long.

Yeah ok.

So, I'm an anxious wreck. I overthink and assume the worst a lot. I'm just bad. Haha.

This school week felt so long. Making me even more stressed and feeling inadequate. Glad it's the weekend now.

I panic and get upset/upset myself easily. Life is great.

Projects. Again. Life is soooo great. Projects, huh? ... hell.

The other day I did the smart decision to read the very sad book I'm reading in language arts during school. So I was reading the book on my iPad, and it was towards the end of the book. Well, I was about to stop reading, but then something happened. And I suddenly was shaking and felt like I was crying. So then of course I had to continue reading. And this is at lunch. Yeah, reading in public with several people possibly staring at you isn't the best idea.

That thing? Yeah that. Things happened in the book of course, and then one of them. Um. Basically. It was a suicide attempt.

Yeah. This book. Oh man. The subject matters. Whew.

Anyway. I'm always at some level of being uncomfortable. I'm always nervous about something. It's not fun.

Guilt. Escape. Fear. Trapped.

Words. Those are words. Yeah ok. Heck.

I'm tired.

lol pls like my awful art

Hey. :)

This is the AJ post for today. I'll end it before I start being sad again. Okay? I'll do that in a different post this time. :')

Today's Jamaaliday gift is......

Candy Cane Socks!

So. A returning gift.

I got a Jam-A-Gram.

My art has been approved! :D

Here it is. 

lol pls like my awful art- it's in my messy den 

This is the first time I used the spray tool to color everything with. I don't think this one is that bad. The first like is by me lol.

The kid is in a hoodie with cat ears. I think those are cute. The background looks nice. :3

It's not all outlined in black either. Nice.

I also went to AJHQ's Gingerbread House den. 

This panda said there's a secret shop if you click on the sled.

And here's the shop. The item's nonmember this time around.

I bought it. Here's it in my den. It's a pretty big item.

So yeah. That's it for AJ stuff for today. 

I'll be back later with another post. That one will be a personal ramblings post.

Haha great.

Until then,

oh boy where to start

Hello. Welcome back to another post on the official what-the-hell-is-this blog. I love you all, and I'm glad you're here on this wild adventure of a post. <3

So. Staying positive and happy. That's pretty hard to do. I don't know how others do it.

It's hard to be truly happy when school and life in general just hits me across the face with a giant NO. It's almost winter break. But before that, of course I have to do projects, essays, and tests. Yay, hard work and stress. Woo. Projects.. heh.. *dies*.

And then there's also my parents only wanting to talk about college or the SAT with me. Which isn't fun at all. I hate being forced to think about the future. Makes me uncomfortable. My mom is all about going to this college thing at my school tomorrow. My dad is all about the SAT and registering for it. That's the only conversation we really have nowadays. Which sucks. Not like there's anything other than that to talk about. Heh.

And then the students in my grade at school only talking about classes, grades, colleges, or the SAT.

I need an escape from all this future talk, god damn.

However. Watching the newest Yuri on Ice episode temporarily made my day not as crappy. That rush of excitement was short-lived though. Thanks dad.

What's your opinion on Wednesdays? I think that day sucks. The longest school day in the whole week. At least it feels that way. Lot of work that day. Halfway through the week. Yeah, I don't like Wednesdays. YOI makes Wednesdays a little more enjoyable and bearable.

Sorry. It's just that. Today's episode made my day. And I am blessed.

(Shut up, Cutepups.)

Haha, remember when I used to always say "cruddy" in my posts? Much crud. Cruddy.

(Shut up, Cutepups.)

My emotions fluctuated from feeling happy to annoyed to angry to very happy to resentment. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm okay? I guess. I don't know.

I was thinking of going on AJ today. I didn't. What a disgrace I am.

My skin is annoying me. Ugh.

I might finally be seeing Fantastic Beasts this weekend. I'm excited for that.

Anyway, I know I said last post that I would be positive and full of light this month. But guys, come on. If you know me, you know that won't actually happen. Lying to myself even more doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm always paranoid that I am lying to myself about my feelings and other things kinda like that. Heh. So I'll be honest. Just not be as negative about it.

Honestly, school is making me not as happy as I would rather be. School sucks. Work is getting harder. Lots of things to do before break. Stress isn't fun. Doesn't feel good.

Tomorrow is Thursday. The week is almost over yet again. Yes.

On blogging matters, I'm thinking of making a new blog in 2017. Possibly. I just want to try and make a more blog-type blog for myself. Something that is actually good and not this trash.

Then maybe I could take my grandma's advise seriously. She told me I should discuss that I'm a blogger in college applications. Which made me think of this blog. Yeah.. that conversation didn't end well. But if I made a blog that's actually a blog and not some personal journal, maybe I could put down that I'm a blogger. This blog is just a sad excuse of one. Oops.

I always feel like I'm being annoying in my posts. I hate this. I constantly annoy myself. Ugh why tho.

Shoot. I forgot what else I was going to include in this post.

Ugh why tho.

Oh shoot that's right.

*looks at the viewers like in that one good selfie I have*

Hello there, my sweatyhearts. :^)
Do you randomly feel sharp aches and pains in parts of your body such as the head, stomach, limbs, neck, shoulders, back, chest?
Do you have that annoying voice in the back of your head that's a total edgelord that constantly talks about how hopeless you are in the future, how you shouldn't even try since you have no future, and death?
Do you #wanna_die and hate when the little freshman kid on the bus yelled, "I want to slit my throat!" to their friends again?
Do you constantly adjust your glasses?
Do you ever just randomly think of a terrible childhood memory?
Do you ever start shaking for no reason?
Do you hate being a female human because you have to do things like contribute to society and because of annoying body parts?
Do you feel like you're nothing like most girls in your school but you're not a tomboy either?
Do you feel like you'd be happier if you were a cat or a dog?
Do you feel equally sad and happy at the same time?
If so, then there's a chance that you're just like me.
Congratulations, my sweatyhearts. :^)

I kinda want to create one of those "How well do you know me" online quizzes. For you guys to take.

That sounds cool.

I wonder if anyone would take it though.

I don't know. These rushing thoughts, man.

I'm a tired and bitter old thing.

Spread the love this holiday season.

*screams*

tbh

Hi. I'm doing alright. Tired and kinda dizzy though.

Anyway. I just want to. Say some things.

Yeah sure ok.

I was laying on my bed. Doing nothing because that's what I do. Lazy bum. Then I got off the bed. I walked around. And I felt kinda dizzy.

Haha yeah, I'm tired. It's not even 11:30 yet and I'm tired. Wow.

Last night as I was putting my computer away, I took a glance at the side of my wrist. And I was like. What?? How did this happen?? Basically, the case of Cutepups getting mysterious scratches had returned. Quite a few this time. Such a mystery. Nah, I bet it was one of my cats when I wasn't paying enough attention.

I was walking around alone in school (because I'm a friendless loser lol) and I kept on thinking my name was Cutepets instead of Cutepups. It was weird.

I sound so quiet and innocent in public. And I know I do this. But I'm still like. Why you do this? Yeah.

Ahem.

I didn't even realize I changed a color to a light gray in the blog template. And I'm looking at what the blog looks like now. I really like how the gray and shades of blue look together. It looks so nice, wow. Reminds me of winter. The cold, the snow. Yeah. I think the colors look pretty. I am in love.

I really do like this new theme I put in last night. It looks so nice and peaceful. Looks positive too.

About positivity, I'm trying to keep this year's December posts the opposite of last year's. I mean I won't be able to blog as many days this year. But still. Hey, maybe that's why I've been making some 2+ posts a day so far this month. Anyway, I just want to prove myself that I've changed from last year.

Because honestly, looking back at last year's December posts, I don't really see much of a change from who I was then to who I am now. Like yeah, my posts are still pretty personal and just a mess. I still comment pretty awkwardly. And the comments others made from last year are still relevant to me today. So I'm wondering. What actually changed from 2015 to 2016?

Actually no, I can answer that. I lost a lot of the regular daily commenters from 2015. Blogging has gotten more lonely over this year. So that kinda means I'm not as stressed about getting comments this year as much as I was last year. I still am a little uncomfortable with comments, but I'm starting to not be anymore. For a while now, I've seen that every new comment I got on here ended up being a kind and positive comment. Which is definitely a change from last year with a good mix of positive and negative comments. And then that whole comment anxiety thing that happened. So yeah, things did change from last year. But at the same time, did they really?

I'm trying to keep that promise I made to myself. That I won't ever fall back and become as full of despair and negativity as much as I was in a lot of December 2015 posts. That was in the past. December 2016 can be better. An improvement compared to 2015.

Sometimes when you don't know what else to do, all you can do is be more positive instead of fueling all that negativity already inside you. More negativity isn't gonna solve anything. This year has been a disaster. What other way to say "screw 2016" then ending the year on a good note than letting 2016 win and see you reach your breaking point? Like no. 2016 might have been a nightmare of a year, but letting it get to us to our breaking points.. I'm sorry. No. That's not an option.

In other words, I feel like I might reach a new breaking point if I make all negative posts and no positive posts. So yeah, I'll be heading over to positivity. There's been way too much negativity already this year. Let's change things up. Be more happy. Fake it till you make it. Y'know?

I've learned more things this year. I know more things. I'm more aware of certain things that I didn't last year.

I don't decide to type up posts all the times I feel negative anymore. I do things more private than blogging and venting all about them now. I still get into a negative funk a lot, I just don't let it show as much as I used to.

So that's improvement. Dealing with things better. Still struggling with it all in the long run.

I'm half-asleep as I'm typing this. What I'm saying is probably a jumble of words that won't make sense to most other people.

Guess I'll be falling asleep to the sound of rain.

Good night. <3

new theme finally

Hi. It's early and I'm tired. Didn't wake up in the middle of the night this time. Nice, nice. Oh and what's this? The blog looks different now? Haha yeah, it sure does.

Hope you guys like it. Haha, the header isn't as edited as the other ones I made.

Back to being blue. I love that color blue.

The words at the bottom say, "We might not know where the road of life takes us, but it'll turn out okay in the end."

Aww. Referring to the future. I'm lost and confused and need hope, okay? 

Spreading some of that positivity. 

I don't know.

Yeah. Bye.

aj jams

Hello! Welcome back to whatever-the-hell this blog is! 😄

I can't believe Blogger put another comment in my spam folder. Geez Blogger, that wasn't spam. To that person who commented, I wasn't ignoring your comment. I just saw it now.

I just had a slice of cake. Ooh boy, all that sugar.

I'm doing pretty good today. I don't feel like dying.. heck man give me a reward. I still am an anxious wreck who regrets most words I say. ... *finger guns* :')

Yet again, I randomly woke up at 3 am. And again at 4 am. None of my pets were in my room. Yeah, even me sleeping is weird. Ah heck.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Got very bored at times though. *shrugs*

Before I go into the AJ part of the post, weird old me finds this thing kinda funny. Psst, it's not even funny. Haha sure ok. So in history class, we're learning about the Great Depression. So one question was to look up the meanings of the word, depression, and then explain what they mean. So I put up the, what I call history or business, definition which is the one about the Great Depression. And for the other meaning, I wrote sentences about depression as the mood disorder and how it's a mental illness. Right, okay. So then a few classmates share their answers. I ended up being the only one who wrote about it being a mental illness. Haha wtf this isn't even funny. So the classmates define that meaning of depression as sadness. And the rest of the class nods their head. Like yeah. Depression just equals sadness. Haha yeah.. ok. Sure. Ugh, what the heck why do I get so annoyed when people say depression is the same thing as sadness just lasting a little longer? Ugh. Same with that commercial on my TV. That's all like, "Is depression REALLY more than just sadness?" Ahdjcvlfvdfckfvcjfvscrem. Like, my dude, no. Depression is way worse than just feeling sad. Ok? Ok. Like ok, people at school have to learn that if you're feeling sad and tired just for one day, you can say you feel depressed. But ok you don't have depression then. Wtf I'm ranting. Sorry. Like a guy or girl is more quiet in class one day, and then their friends go up to them and ask them stuff like, "why the hell are you having depression today?".. ughjsxbfvjchjmd. Anyway, this guy in class then talked about the geometry definition of depression. Um.. ok. This sounded better in my head.

Anyway, onto AJ now!

I'm such a child. Ew. Playing these childish games.

AJ didn't even accept my painting yet. :(

This is another new loading screen I got. Aw, it's so cute.

Today's Jamaaliday Gift. 

I made a new winter area in my den. Much smaller area than what I did in previous years though.

And, of course, I didn't forget the RIM.

Rare Galoshes? Eh, I'll just call them rain boots. Well, that's what they look like on Precious.

I also just realized AJ has this item. I looked at the color options and screamed.

Nice AJ. Good job.

These wristbands look like the gay (homosexual) pride flag.

These wristbands look like the bisexual pride flag.

These wristbands look like the aromantic pride flag.

These wristbands look like the lesbian pride flag.

These wristbands look like the asexual pride flag. Could use some purple, but it looks close enough.

Haha wow. Assumptions or actually true? Hnngfgh, I'll say AJ is for equality.

Yeah, that's it for AJ today. I don't feel like typing up a skit about the RIM. 

I'll work on a new header/banner/whatever you wanna call it now.

Hope you have a nice day.

not doing it today

I was about to title this post "Not Today" and start singing the song, Not Today, by Twenty One Pilots. However, I decided not to.

Haha, I'm posting this on mobile. Dang Cutepups, back at it again with typing up a post on mobile. What a loser.

Wow, that last post was weird. I started it with being child-friendly and in a cheery mood, but then I changed it to me typing swear words and making fun of myself since I hate myself a lot.

As you can see, I am a terrible blogger and person in general. Dont trust my posts. I'm not child-friendly. I'm bad. Not good.

Anyway. *starts singing Echo* "What the hell's going on? Can someone tell me please?"

I feel like a few AJ bloggers who quit posting in general are suddenly coming back now. And like. Wow, that's great! I loved reading those blogs! Those bloggers made new posts! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Nice, good, great, wowie!

In other news, I won't be changing the blog theme at all tonight.

Doing that can take hours out of my time, and I don't have that much precious time to kill by doing that.

I have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow. What the heck, that's a little after the time I have to wake up for school. It's to go to a college open house. I visit college open houses every other Sunday, it seems. And this one is farther away than the other ones I went to. And we're picking my grandma up along the way because she wants to join us. Then after all that, we're going to a supposedly fancy-ish restaurant for my mom's birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday, mom.

Oh and I'm keeping the music playlist as it is. So what if it isn't November anymore?

I forgot to add this last post. So I'll say it now. Every time I write something in Duke's POV or him saying anything in the story, I always think of his voice being this actor's voice. I can't even say who. I don't know who. It's just like. I imagine his voice being in a certain way. Definitely not a 14 year old voice, I can tell you that. So like. Writing anything in his POV feels so intense.

Damn it, Duke.

And yes. Of course I remember the times of Puke and Tinkle. Those were the best.

Anyway. I think I'm intentionally causing myself harm again. Ayy lmao what a loser.

I swear this blog isn't even a blog anymore. It's a coping mechanism. I post about certain dreams I had. So I keep this blog as a dream journal. I vent a lot. So I keep this blog as a, um, vent journal. Mm why yes, I sure love to post all my depressing and anxious thoughts on this blog that's for the public. Mm, mm, mm. What a healthy coping mechanism. Such healthy. As healthy as my mental stability. Which isn't stable and consistent at all.

The only way I can move on from Twinkle's Story pre-Chapter 52 is if I turn it into a self-deprecating joke. Where I just roast everything about it. So that's what I'm doing. It's kinda working.

But at the same time. I could just be harming myself even more. The stuff I roast myself for caused me to have a lot of guilt and stress. And just bad times in general. And I'm bringing it back. But like. I have to move on from it. Just laugh at the past and move on.

If only I could just laugh and move on from the traumatic things I caused myself in my first ten years of life. Ha, ha. School. Myself. What a messed up loser.

I'm returning to posting new chapters every once in a while because I didn't feel satisfied if I just permanently ended Twinkle's Story with Chapter 51. I had so much more to add. So I decided I'm going to finish it for good one day.

Or maybe not. I don't know.

I also think I hurt myself by staying on the computer for five hours straight. I don't go on my computer much anymore. And yet today I spent hours on my computer.

And now my legs hurt a lot. My head and stomach hurt just a little now though. They ache so easily now.

I'm not healthy lmao.

Oh and I forgot to add. In that dream, McDonald's was in the hotel basement. It wasn't a regular McDonald's.

I'm such a hypocrite. I have a fear of abandonment but only from a select few people. However, I still constantly ignore and not answer texts right away from the few people who still actively communicate with me.

Man, I suck.

I'm kinda scared to sleep because I'm scared I'll have another bad dream. Or that I'll wake up sick in the middle of the night. Ugh man that's so great.

And just like how it is when I think about my future, my mind is at a blank for what else to include in this post.

Phew, that's it for the posts on December 3rd.

Using three different signatures for three different posts on the same day is cool.

Bye.

Jamaalidays!!! and Twinkle's Story talk

Hey look, I'm finally here with a post on the computer. Ah, Animal Jam nostalgia. ☺

Whoa, this emoticon option is so cool. You can draw a smiley face to search for a specific smiley face. That's so cool, wow!

Wow!

Anyway, I went on AJ. My favorite time of the year to go on- the Jamaalidays!

I definitely won't be able to post every day this month, nevertheless for AJ. This time I don't have any pathetic excuses to not go on AJ this Christmas. Because I'll be away on vacation then. Gone for Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's. ...

Sorry, I'm so excited for winter break. ;v; hhhhngh

That somehow reminded me. I can't believe it's been a whole year. Well, at least on the 4th it will be. I was away on my DC trip this time last year. I can't believe it's been a year already. Whoa. I did so much work there. 

That was like the one time I felt alive during my sophomore year. 

Guess that means that time is passing by. 👍 

I just found out that my hands are cold. Huh. My hands together are warm, but my hands on my arms are cold. I don't understand this because I'm a stupid frick. 👐

lol these handssss 👐

Ok, ok. Onto AJ. 😆

Aw, look at all those festive animals.

Loading screens I got when I was on:

So cute! 

Since this is the first time this month I've been on AJ, the first two gifts are grayed out. But here's the third one.

Hmm, so it does end on the 31st. Oh ok. 

And here are the gifts for today:

I also changed Precious's outfit to be more suitable for the holiday season. ;v;

She's ready for the Jamaalidays, hehe! ^-^'

She also tried on some members-only clothing items:

Picking the best colors for her, as always.

And now for the latest Jamaa Journal:

Yes, daily gifts.

No blue arrows for this picture. The gingerbread house and the Jamaaliday Rescue seasonal Adventure are back.

Masterpieces are for everyone now. Yay!

Nonmembers can view the chat history now, which is great news. There's also this Jamaaliday gift bag thing going on.

The Jamaaliday Jam party and pet reindeer are back.

Reindeer regular animals are coming back to Jamaa soon. There's also a new Sketch Jam video about drawing a pet reindeer. I was browsing YouTube the other day, and saw the Animal Jam channel. I think the Sketch Jam artists's name is Taylor. Not sure about the last name though. I watched this Sketch Jam video over on YouTube. I also saw a video with snowyclaw and artymis on the channel. That video was pretty cool.

Well, that's the Jamaa Journal.

Here's the chat history. It isn't grayed out for nonmembers anymore.

I also spent around an hour working on a drawing in the art studio program. I clicked the "Create Den Item" button first, so I don't have an actual picture of the drawing now. I have the masterpiece item in my den though.

I put it under two art plaques in my den. It's an art corner now.

And that wraps up the AJ part of this post. 

Honestly, going on AJ and posting this is kinda fun. 

I'm skilled at being happy, sad, and mad all at the same time. (ayy lmao)

lmao means laughing my anxiety off 

shh shh no "bad words" here 

just kidding cutepups is a bad influence 

I'll be saying "bad words" below. Just saying. 

I mean it. 

...

...

...

...

I suddenly remembered how in December 2014 I made a post where I put in language warnings for saying "heck" and "hell". And now I type those words in probably all my posts. Pfft, I even put in actual swears in my posts this year. Wow, what a change. 

I'm growing old. 

I can't help but feel like Duke is two or three years older from the start of Twinkle's Story. I started the story with him and Twinkle being 14. But looking back at it now, that just feels so weird. Like ok, I started the story when I was 13. Almost 14. So that kinda means I meant for Duke and Twinkle to be a few months older than me, maybe even a year older. So it's been either two or three years since I began the story. Anyway, I keep on thinking of Twinkle and especially Duke growing older at the same rate as me. Which means today in 2016, I keep on thinking of Duke and Twinkle as being 16 or 17 year olds. That would make so much more sense for them to be that age for all the things they did. Haha yeah. That could also be an explanation why their behavior and language keeps on changing. More complex. 

And for Chapter 52, I kept on feeling as if several months passed by since the events of Chapter 51. But that's just in real life time. In the story, the events between the two chapters is just a few days. Probably between two and five days. Maybe a week. I'm not sure. 

I'm not sure if I actually said it yet, but I thought of Duke and Fierdan's birthdays being on December 19th. So that means I'm soon gonna constantly think of Duke being 17 or 18 while Twinkle is 16 or 17. 

Sorry this probably sounds confusing. I just can't think of them being 14. Fourteen year olds are like little kids to me now. That's so young. Fourteen.

And when I was typing up Chapters 52 and 53, it was so hard for me to remember that I use different words for swear words. Or less extreme swear words. For example, I repeatedly make the characters say "gosh darn it" throughout the story. That translates to "god damn it". It always took me a few seconds to remember to switch it to "gosh darn" instead of "god damn".

Same with saying "paw" instead of "hand". 

Oh and I have a more specific example. So in Chapter 53 when Duke notices his mother and Soulless is talking in his head again about his conflict with life and death, he shrieks "Shut the hell up!", right. So anyway, I originally typed for Duke to say "Shut the fuck up!" there. I remembered to change it as I was in the middle of typing a sentence a few paragraphs later. 

I keep on imaging Duke and Fierdan saying "fuck" and "shit". For them to just swear by saying things like "gosh darn it", "piece of poop", and "what the heck" feels so fake to me now. I guess in a way this is showing how I'm growing up from this story. 

Anyway, past chapters involving Duke in general. They're so messed up. What the hell was wrong with me? I swear I was such a naive little frick.

First off, Duke somehow got detention nearly every day in school. Yeah, what the actual hell. If you get a certain number of detentions in a certain amount of time, you won't just get detention. You'll get suspended and then expelled.

Actually, the school in general was just weird. Was it a middle school or high school? What grade were they in? Why were they learning simple history like the beginning of Jamaa at their age? 

And then the whole thing with Admiral. Like one day she just goes up to Duke and kisses him on the lips. Like, I'm sorry, but like. What the fuck. Isn't that technically a form of sexual assault? There was no consent. I'm crying, I was so messed up typing these old chapters.

And then in the Duke flashback chapter. The guys thought it was weird if not all of them were shirtless in the pool. What, what the hell. Man, talk about being transphobic. Them being like "oh no you're not a real boy if you feel uncomfortable taking your shirt off in the pool". Like, what? Some boys swim with shirts on. What the hell was with me in the past? God damn it.

Oh and then with me typing for a long time about Duke self harming right after that. Like, man, I was typing about that for a long time. What the fuck, past me. What. The. Fuck.

Like no. Just no. Why though. 

Same with Twinkle in another chapter. 

I'm screaming and crying about this. That wasn't an okay thing to do. Oh god.

I keep on proving to myself that I should redo the first half of the story. But I'm a lazy frick who won't do that. Oops, my bad.

And then when Duke was even younger, he just walks to his aunt's house by himself. And he's what? Four? And he finds out his aunt and uncle committed suicide. Like, what? Why? 

Jfc this story is a shitstorm. 

Oh that one too. Did Duke even have a home in the beginning of the story? How did he still look good then? Why was he randomly carrying sleeping bags with him? Why and how did he even have alcohol? Why did he mix alcohol with soda? Why would he trick Twinkle into drinking alcohol? My god, Duke, you're such a bad influence.

Oh and again with tricking Twinkle. Tricking her into thinking you're like another guy. Making her think you're not as sexual as other guys. Such lies. Playing the innocent card around Twinkle. My god, Duke. You're not innocent. For one, getting detention all the time should be a hint that he isn't a good person. And Twinkle is in denial and thinks Duke's the best. Newsflash, he isn't a good person. He's bad. He's nothing but bad. Damn it Twinkle, he killed your sister and nearly yourself. Funny how you think Duke isn't into being hardcore romantic and sexual. That time with him and Dawn. Being alone. Damn it, they took their clothes off. And then before that he tricks Twinkle into thinking they did more than make out in Chapter 40. 

God damn it, Duke. You need help.

Haha, I love roasting my past self with this cursed story.

I've been typing this post up for almost three hours. I'm not sure if I'll change the blog theme tonight. 

Sorry about that.

I'm so tired. 

Bye.