the fool is back again

Ah yes. Hello there. I am the fool. Please be free to call me Blue the Fool. Or Blue the Loser (Blueser). Or a disappointment. Or a stupid idiot. Or a lazy failure. But yeah, I guess Cutepups works too.

Anyway, how are you all doing?

I hate myself. :'))

I had bad dreams for a few nights in a row. And then the one night I don't have a nightmare, I wake up with a headache. So yeah. Life. Sure is dandy fun, huh? Not really.

I made so many stupid mistakes in school. Regarding homework things. Haha, I'm such a stupid idiot. I don't want to go into full details or anything, but it's like I only make myself read what I want to read. Forgot to read the homework on the wiki, forgot to include page numbers for another class's homework- and I wrote to include page numbers on my homework paper and yet I didn't do it. And that's for only two classes. On Tuesday, I screwed up in three classes. In one day.

I really hate myself. :'))

I bet every day until winter break is going to feel very long and go by very slowly. Before December, classes haven't felt so excruciatingly long. But now they do. And I feel terrible.

About winter break, I kinda doubt that I'll genuinely have fun then. I won't have any access to the internet for basically the entire break, so I can't do my dumb coping mechanism of oversharing about my life on my blog/s.

Which means I'll feel even more trapped and can't escape. Yay. :'))

So I can't run and hide away from my family demanding me to engage in conversation about either:

School (grades, classes, tests, "friends")
Exams (about the SAT)
College (which one, what major am I interested in)
Guilt-trips ("you never talk to me and I'm left alone", "you're so mean to me", "you're such a bad person" lol)
How I fail as a person (about my deeply flawed social skills, how I'm just a complete failure at most things in life)

:'))

I won't be able to escape from everyone wanting to know about my future even though talking about my future makes me feel bad emotions (yeah, I'm that awful). But hey, there's nothing else to talk about.

Psst, I can't stop thinking irrationally about how I won't have a future. Which is just so, so, so convenient in these conversations.

Anyway, moodswings are terrible. A few hours ago, I was being overly sensitive and started crying for a reason that wasnt even that serious. Like, it wasn't even that bad? And I still cried? And then I felt hopeless in everything regarding myself living life. I'm losing it. A few hours later, I felt not as sad and crappy and in the mood to not exist. Smiling and laughing instead of crying. Like, what even are my feelings? I don't know what to tell people.

Oh and here's a thing that ticks me off. Ok so. When classmates feel like a failure because they think they "got such a bad grade, it's the worst". And then I tell them the grade I got which was- oh, lower than what they got? and they still are saying how they're the worst when- goddamnit I told them the grade I got which was a lower grade than what they got. Does that make me worse than being a failure? Because that's what I'm getting.

And if this is in text messages, I end up having to say encouraging and positive things to make the said person feel better.

Me? Me doing that. What the heck. Me, the one who drowns themself in self-hatred, existential dread, and thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore because life seems too much to handle and I'm that freaking weak ends up sending positive, here's-an-attempt-to-cheer-you-up messages.

And not getting any "thank you"s for trying to help them.

Augh, I hate it so much. It hate it all.

Damn it. It would be a normal thing to worry about a bad grade. But I don't do that anymore until it's way too late. I don't care as much as I should. And that's not good.

So like. I know I should be even more upset about the grades I got since they were worse than theirs. But I just can't.

In the end, I am just hurting myself.

It's just. If my mindset/way of thinking is productive and "normal" instead of being a jumble of negativity and depressing things, then I'll be a different person. I would be better.

Ugh, I really can't stand myself most of the time. It's hard to be positive and happy when I'm really not. And if I am, those good feelings don't last that long. And on top of that, I'm unmotivated and unproductive in the more important things in my life. I already put some defensive fake personalities on top of what I'm genuinely feeling to anyone I come in contact with in real life.

Oh, I don't know. I should go.

Bye.