hi sorry uh

I'm still here. Unfortunately. So, well, hi. Sorry for not posting for a few days.

(Why am I even saying sorry? Uh...)

Anyway. I didn't post anything this weekend because I was sleeping a lot this weekend. And when I wasn't sleeping, I was probably on tumblr or watching Netflix. Oh and studying too. Yeah, pretty boring life.

I slept so much, and yet I still felt very tired. Like you would think that sleeping for 10 hours instead of 6 would make me feel less tired throughout the day. But no. Wrong. Still, if not even more, tired.

Today though. Oh boy. Having dreams that always leave me anxious is terrible. Ok. Terrible. It sucks. Can't even have happy dreams. Even sleeping makes me sad and stressed. It's like. It never ends. It sucks even more when I felt good that day, but still end up having bad dreams. What the hell. I hate this.

Ever have your eyes hurt so much they feel like they're burning? Yeah, that's another weird thing with me. Being on the verge of crying for several hours but not being able to cry due to where I am, well, it freaking sucks. Living on the brink of collapsing and crying all day for days freaking sucks.

I feel sick. But not exactly sick. I don't know. It hurts and I just feel bad.

Positivity. I wish I could genuinely believe it. But I don't. My self-esteem is too low.

I'm just so tired of everything. Can everything just stop? Please.

Nowadays, I get mad and frustrated so easily. It's sickening. Like really though. Can the slightest inconvenience that lasts only a few seconds not cause me to feel angry? It's just a little thing. Ugh.

It also would be great if I don't automatically think of wanting myself to die whenever something stressful and inconvenient comes up. Like. Not wanting to die sounds fantastic. Not feeling that now. Life is too big and too much for me right now.

I'm such a flawed human. Can't be normal and like other people, I suppose. I'm that bad, I suppose.

Anyway. Being guilt-tripped. It sucks. It's awful.

My mom and sister just love to make a big scene when I'm not happy. "Why aren't you happy? You better be happy and socialize. Stop being so mean. Be happy. Only be happy. You jerk."

Like, haha, I'm never truly happy. I can smile and laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I've been depressed for a long time, and they just love to just excuse it as being "the teen years". Not many teens think they're so hopeless in their own future, have moodswings from being happy to wanting to die in the course of one day or less, scared of interacting with other people, having pains with no explanation, and wanting to die. Most teens have a normal social life. Most teens have friends. Most teens can think rationally and not want to die when they can't think of what to do when they grow up. Some do, sure, but most probably don't. Just "the teen years", yeah right. Sure it is. Just excuse how I am for shyness, sadness, or irritability.

Better yet why not guilt-trip me and make me feel even worse? You're clearly suffering more than I am. Make yourself the victim. Bring up topics that could cause family drama. Say it's my fault, that I'm useless, that I'm the bad one when I already know that. Thanks for re-enforcing those thoughts, mom.

Oh and then insulting me for not having friends. Yeah, haha, great. Screw you. Guilt-tripping me about that. Not like I lost all of them because of things they couldn't control. Not like we lost touch. Not like I can't come in contact with them. And if I do, I'll be way too nervous to say anything. Oh right, that's all true though. I have no friends left. They are gone. Stop reminding me that I have none. I have barely any trust for new people left, so of course I'm not going to make friends easily. I'm always paranoid that people I consider my friends will leave, and it ends up being true every time. Why even bother anymore? My social skills are so bad that I don't even deserve friends.

I have a fear of abandonment, but in the long run, if they have to leave I let them. I'm way too anxious to stop and be in their way. They're not the ones in control of leaving. More important life factors are.

Damn it. I hate that quote that's all about how you have to let some friends go because it ends out things weren't meant to be. Haha for real though. Is that with every single person then? Every friend left. Haha, what do you do if you have no one left? What's the point in living?

I feel like I can't trust anyone irl as a friend. I feel like I can't trust anyone online either. I'm too hurt to package my life to other people. I always say I feel so alone because I am. People online used to make me think otherwise, but not anymore. In the end, I'm seen as a friendless and socially inept loser by my peers at school and my family.

Well, I made myself start crying. Haha. Ow.

I swear my family better not think I'll magically get better just because we'll be on a cruise. Realistically, I won't suddenly become happy all the time and become an extrovert. In your wildest dreams, mom.

At least I won't be reminded about how much I suck at being social. They can't leave to their friends' houses if we're all on a cruise ship. That's something good.

All suffering together. All trapped together.

For two classes today, I got scared when the teachers approached my desk. I was so preoccupied with the thought of them having to say something to me which would make me feel bad about myself. But they didn't bring up those topics. Gosh, I'm such an anxious fool.

School is stressing me out a lot.

:' )