December 19th

Hello. 

Well, I lied about making another post soon. It’s been over a month. 

... oops.

Anyway, it’s December 19th. The end of the day but still. I don’t care. 

I don’t know why I keep thinking of this date, but here I am. Still thinking about them. Ridiculous. I know. 

December 19th is Fierdan’s birthday. And Duke’s because I made them have the same birthday for some reason. Weird. 

How old are they again (in the skit universe)? I don’t know anymore. 

Does anyone miss my skits? I have no idea. 

. . . . . . . . . . 

Don’t expect any soon. Don’t expect anything related to creative writing any time soon. 

These past few months, including this one, made me realize that I actually lost a ton of interest/passion/inspiration/motivation (all of those) in creative writing. In writing stories. In writing poetry. In writing... anything, to be honest. 

I guess that could be the major reason why I’ve been dead. It’s because I feel dead. I have nothing left. 

The story makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed now. I’m so disappointed. I keep fearing that I’m still doing offensive things without knowing and no matter how much I try to fix it, it can’t be fixed. And that makes me wonder. Is it worth it? Is all of this worth it? It doesn’t feel like it. 

No interest. No inspiration. No motivation. No passion. Nothing. I’m a hollow shell. I’m empty. 

It’s been this way for months. I thought I could revive the spark, but I ultimately couldn’t. My attempts to failed. 

My depression is worsening. I keep losing reasons to keep going. Lost friends. Lost interest in my story. Lost interest in what I’ve been studying. 

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

I have nothing to offer any of you. I’ve been pushing off explaining this in a post for a while. 

December 19th feels like a good day to post it. With all the significance to the story and blog. 

I don’t have any more words left to say.

Goodbye. 

And I’m sorry. 

The Rest of Them :)

Hi, I'm back to post the rest of them. :)

The rest of my characters I designed on the same Picrew I mentioned in the last post. And then how I designed myself.

Yeah. Without further ado, it's picture time...~

I like this art style. I like how they came out. (in order: Stella, Dylan, Ardere, Dawn, and Ryen)

Dylan has acne from being on HRT (testosterone) because I said so. Ok. And I like how Ardere's freckles look. Oh and the thinking emoji, which I nicknamed the "hmm" emoji, reminds me of Ryen. Because it just does. It fits him well. 

So yeah lmao. There they are. My children. <3

And here's me:

yo ✌

And now, bye again. I'll hopefully return soon. 

peace ✌

Devils in Ties (Fierdan + Jack Matching Halloween Costumes)

Hi. It is I. :)

Ok so, I decided to design Fierdan and Jack wearing matching outfits for Halloween. Well, they're both dressed as devils and wearing collared shirts with ties. The colors are different; I chose the colors that fit each of them better. 

Anyway, that's how I'm imagining them celebrating Halloween. It's cute. 

...... what's with the alcohol and cigarettes though? guys, stop. *smh*

(By devils, I mean devil horns and devil tail. That's it lol)

And of course, I mean I designed them on a Picrew. 

Here's the link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/1300090

bi flag for Fierdan. gay (male) flag for Jack. It's my first time designing Jack with this flag instead of the general rainbow pride flag. 

yeah yeah yeeeeee~

Picture time! <3

I love them. 💖

Decided to have Jack with white hair and wearing purple contact lenses. 

The black and red for Fierdan, and the black and white for Jack. hhhhhh I love it. ;w;

haha gay uwu 

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Happy Halloween! 🦇👻

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha

ahahahahahaha

Let’s look at what I said in a few of my old posts on here. I think it’s funny. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lmao. so funny I’m crying laughing so much. uh huh, uh huh... 

- “I’m probably not autistic myself but”

- “make a joke about ocd? fuck you. make a joke about ptsd/triggers? fuck you. think depression is just “feeling sad” and refuse to learn more? fuck you. only think people count as autistic if they can’t function in their daily lives which leads to you dehumanizing people on the autism spectrum one way or another? fuck you.”

- “Don’t say things like: “I’m ocd” ... and then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses.

- (from a dream I had apparently): “Then on the weird elevator ride up (the elevator turned what the heck), I met someone who screamed, "OCD!" and then I left.” ??? idk lol

- “And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”

- “People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!”

- “There’s a possibly good chance that I have ... OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot.”

. . . . . . 

/ / / / / / 

*******************

Funny. 

I had another psychiatrist appointment last week. And uh... uhhhhhhhh—

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Guess what? 

Turns out I’m autistic and really do have OCD. 

Some of what I quoted are from posts a few years old. Damn. 

I’ve been questioning whether or not I have it for over a year at this point. So much has changed since last year. 

And now it’s October 2021 and I’ve been told I “definitely have OCD” and am diagnosed with it. 

It’s... It’s Real. 

I’ve been having mixed feelings about being confirmed about this ever since my appointment. On one hand, I feel validated and that I do in fact have it “bad enough” and I’m struggling enough and I’m not faking it, etc. But on the other hand, I’m still having a mental crisis because it’s real and I have it and it’s... idk. You know? 

Honestly, I’ve been feeling like I’m close to crying and having a mental breakdown for the past few hours. 

It’s almost Monday. I don’t want it to be Monday. I’m scared. I don’t think I can get through this. I keep avoiding and hiding. 

I can’t. I just can’t. 

So many things are going wrong. I also keep screwing everything in my life up. 

Another mental health condition confirmed. 

hahahahahahahaha fml :’}

I haven’t been active on here for a long time, so I haven’t really gone in-depth over a lot of stuff. All of this isn’t coming from nowhere. I just don’t want to talk about Everything. 

For the past year, I’ve been struggling so much. I’m still struggling. I don’t think I’ll ever not be struggling. 

Life itself is a struggle. 

I feel emotionally paralyzed. 

I have two midterm exams tomorrow. I hate Mondays. 

I feel like shit. Bye. 

~ Shan

Yet Another Picrew Post + Cultural Backgrounds of Some of My Characters Poorly Explained

Yeah, pretty self-explanatory. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Let's go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link 1: https://picrew.me/image_maker/28291

I like to imagine them getting their pictures taken in a photo booth like those at parties. The first/left one is of Stella and Dylan when they become friends. I love their friendship/their dynamic.  It's a lot different from Stella's friendship/relationship with Duke (which is on the right/second one, of course). Yeah, that's Duke, not Fierdan. Stella and Duke still had their happy times. They can smile together. It's okay.

-x-x-x-

Link 2: https://picrew.me/image_maker/626197

Stella and Dylan. My blue powered children. Blue, my beloved color. <3 ... Stella has stars because of course she does. (Remember when I called her Twinkle for several years? Haha, those were the days. 😆😬). ... This was the closest to how I picture Dylan's hair. Unfortunately, it makes him look pretty feminine, which he and I don't like. How unfortunate. Also, Dylan is around a year older than Stella. 

-x-x-x-

Link 3: https://picrew.me/image_maker/152665

In order: Me, Stella, Dylan, Ryen, and Fierdan. 

I like designing Picrews with Dylan giving the middle finger. It reminds me of him. Why is he so grumpy? idk lmao, probably because of Fierdan (sorry Fierdan). Fierdan has coffee (let's just hope it's not salty black coffee... *alludes to that old skit*). And, of course, Ryen... (symbolism, symbolism *starts crying inside*). The suit (trying to keep it together and give off an act of professionalism to others). The bottle of poison (being the same as alcohol since alcohol is like poison to Ryen... both deadly, both toxic... *alludes to Ryen's struggles in recovery from alcoholism* god...).

....... Yes. Them. <3

-x-x-x-

That's it for Picrews. Now moving on to another topic. 

Actually, getting into this on a post with Picrews of my characters could be helpful. Hmm... 

Older Picrew images of some of my characters that I shared here before. To help me with what I want to say. 

Alright, so, these pictures are the up-to-date versions of how I visualize them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yep. This is about this broken family. Fierdan, Ryen, Dawn— and C. (their mother).

-and-

. . .

Yeah, that should be enough. 

So, my point is...

The story universe takes place in a dystopia version of Earth in the distant future. Are the names and labels we use today be used then? Or is this just another world entirely? What is it? I don't know! 

But to explain it, I'll use the terms we use. To make it easier, I guess. 

Anyway, because of their... shitty life circumstances, they never really grew up learning about their family. They don't know about their family tree, their heritage, their ethnicity, their culture... they just don't know. Maybe C knows more than her children... maybe, no certainty in that. In other words, they have no culture. They don't know about any of that stuff. And it's sad. It's sad not knowing.

It's sad that they didn't have any caring adults to teach them and engage them with their... non-white half of their identity. I keep imagining other characters and other people in general just seeing them as white kids or kids with no culture. (idk how to articulate anything, sorry!)

C, Ryen, Fierdan, Dawn— they're all biracial. Here's a breakdown:

C: half white, half (how it is in our world) of East Asian descent.

Dawn: two-thirds white, one-third of East Asian descent. (which country? idk).

And to get to the brothers, I would have to get to Z (their father). Z was also biracial— however, he had some, uh, views aligned with white supremacy and hated the non-white half of himself. He hated how his father (a white man) fell in love with and married a non-white woman. Z erased that half of his identity, only identifying with the white side of himself. But of course, he couldn't just delete the other half. So as he grew older he came up with the idea that his races/ethnicity of himself and his offspring would be the new "superior" or "dominant" version of humans. Messed up fascism rhetoric, perhaps? Z... *sigh*

Z: half white, half (again, based on how it is on our world) of Southeast Asian descent. (from where? again, I have no idea, I just have that general area of the globe in mind. maybe Filipino?).

And so, for Ryen and Fierdan: half white, quarter of East Asian descent, quarter of Southeast Asian descent. 

But they know nothing about those cultures and their ancestral roots. They only start getting interested in learning about their family background beyond their parents (Ryen in particular does a lot of research on Z and C) several years later, probably starting nearly a decade after their ages in stores 1-2. And it's just sad how their parents ruined how they see themselves and their family history because they (Z and C) were such bad people. And of course, that has nothing to do with their racial and cultural identities. It unfortunately distorts how Ryen and Fierdan view themselves and people like them. Yeah, uh, that's another can of worms. So complicated. Why does my brain imagine them like this? I don't know. I just can't see them as simply being white. aaaaahhhhhahha

I used to believe Ryen and Fierdan would also be part of Central or South American descent, but over the years, I couldn't imagine it that way as much. But for some reason, I can imagine Fierdan being able to speak and write in Spanish and Latin. Haha, like the literary and artistic prodigy he would've become if his life was better and he didn't become severely messed up.

So yeah. That's my poorly explained rambling. Felt like I should explicitly say it. Just in case people were wondering "Why do you design them on Picrews looking the way they do?" Well, that's why. It also affects how they sound in my head. I mean how I imagine their voices. Not that much, but it does play a small part. ... Now I'm thinking of Fierdan singing at his heavy metal/rock concert being the famous singer that he deserves to be (what a dream). I love his voice... uh ?? lmao-

*alludes to lots of songs I put on Fierdan's music playlist* 👀

~anyway~

Anyway, Dawn is the most white-passing out of them, which makes sense, but she's also biracial. Ok, thanks for coming to my poorly explained TED Talk. <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bbbbleghlbelghbel

eeeeeeeeeeee

@ 3rd one: the only time I designed Z. lmao 

Happy early Halloween. Here's a very old picture I drew of Fierdan dressed as a vampire with long hair and playing with his deadly black fire. <3

~ Shan ☻

OCTOBER

This post idea has been stuck in my head for days now, and it’s been one of the many, many things keeping me from sleeping. So, uh, sorry about this. 

~*~*~*~

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

CCCC

C

C

CCCC

TTTTTTT

       T

       T

       T

       T

OOOO

O      O

OOOO

BBBBB

BBBBB

B

BBBBB

BBBBB

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

E

EEEEE

RRRRR

RRRRR

RRRRR

R   R

R      R

R         R

~*~*~*~ 

It says “OCTOBER” out of the letters. Hehe. :) 

I have no idea why this has been on my mind so much. Am I okay? I have no idea. I haven’t been sleeping well these last few days. 

There. It’s done! I did it! 

It’s OCTOBER. !!!!

Ok, ok. I got it, brain. Please stop it already. 

Byeee~ 

Answers + Explanations

Hi, I'm back again so soon. Wow, look at me go. I have so much to say. 

I survived another Monday, so I'll reveal which character I'm currently writing a short story about (that character's backstory). I'm not sure how much of a surprise it'll be. I don't think it's that surprising, to be honest. Or maybe I'm just biased. 

I'll do that.. later in the post. Heh. 

Before I go off rambling about my characters, have a boring, personal update. Because I said so. 

It's too hard for me to fit two appointments into my schedule this week. And my family's since I have to go back home to go to the appointments. It was too stressful, and I couldn't handle it. And so I just rescheduled one of my appointments for a later date. So I'll worry about that later. Oh boy! 

blergh blegh blargh blah

Character's backstory new short story in progress reveal time !!!!1!!!1!!!1

The character is..........

Ardere! :D

My lightning sunshine boy! <3

I'm writing his backstory. About his life before he becomes involved with Stella, Duke, and all the others. By the way, I'm changing a lot of things from the original concept I had for Ardere. He doesn't come from a family who lives outside in the woods (*cough, cough* those Sarepia Forest and Warrior Cats clans vibes... yeah lol, I got rid of all that). 

(I'm surprised I remember the name 'Sarepia Forest'— I haven't been on AJ in forever. Does my account still exist? I have no idea lmao)

(My blog name and url is very misleading. Lmao)

I think I always had the idea that Ardere's father was the leader of a group of people. Chieftain or clan leader (based on book series I was obsessed with and ended up shaping my overall personality in middle school 👀). Well anyway, that man's a freaking king. Which makes.. you guessed it.. Ardere technically a prince. Ardere comes from royalty, baby! 

Funny to think about, huh? ;D

So yeah. That's what I'm writing about. Ardere's escape from his life of royalty to his fated encounters with Stella and Duke. Well, first Stella. He meets Duke later. And when Ardere is with them, he's like just another kid. Just another ordinary kid. 

Oh gosh, I love him. I love him like a parent caring for their child. 

Just.... Him! <3

............ oh wait, wrong pic. That's just a little owl. ^-^"

~ blank space oooooo ~

Ardere, my golden-haired and golden-eyed child! 💛

........ if the story takes place in our current day, he would totally have a Nintendo Switch. He would somehow get one. That's just a fact.

~ blank space 2 owo ~

Since I've been talking about Ardere in this post, I don't think talking about Fierdan, Soulless, and Jack now would work. Uhhhhh... adult reasons. Dark and sketchy stuff. They're not good role models. And just, uh.. some other things. Heh.

💬 👁👄👁 💬

It's funny how almost every other character has a dark history full of very messed up stuff. And then there's Ardere. He's too precious. 

............... Autumn and Mae are good girls. :)

Ok bye. 

writing down some thoughts before sleeping

Yeah. I'm here. Writing down some thoughts before sleeping. There really isn't more to it. 

Ok so. Is my instability noticeable in my posts? Because.. well, I am. Unstable. Like, ok, I'm stressed as always. Got a lot on my mind. I can barely focus on anything for long these days. Though I have to admit, I started getting into my characters again. I wasn't for several months this year, actually. But everything else? Yeah, my mind is out the window. No, it's in freaking space. 

I have a hard time not thinking and stressing and making myself paranoid over things I have to do in a few days. Gotta face the reality. And that scares me. Like hell. 

I have medical appointments (yeah, more than one) scheduled in a few days. I'm terrified. Excited, too. Because answers.. hopefully? I have bad imposter syndrome though. It's very bad. And internalized ableism. 

I haven't been active on here in a while, so I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I know I tend to easily talk about my mental health conditions (including highly possible ones) on here and a few other parts of the internet. But honestly, I'm not proud of having/possibly having these things. They aren't trends. It's not quirky behavior. I hate being like this. I constantly wish I was normal. But online.. it's like maybe, just maybe, I can pretend to be confident and not absolutely hate myself for being the way I am. The only way I can see myself continuing on is to at least try not hating everything about me, including how my brain works. I'm desperate to find a bright side to all this mess I have going on with me. This isn't fun. I don't want this. But.. just like, what's the point in hiding it online? I can be more myself on here than anywhere irl. Not just about neurodivergency and mental illness. 

And why do I talk about the potential disorders my characters have? Well, it's just something I've been very interested in for a long time now. I've been very interested in psychology for years now. Clinical psychology. Learning about disorders and conditions. For myself, for my characters. Occasionally, just the general curiosity. But I tend to relate most things in my life (irl, online) to my characters in one way or another. My characters and story universe is a devoted interest of my mine. Is that a surprise? No. It shouldn't be. 

Sometimes I wish I could stop being so invested in all this stuff, but I really can't. Not entirely. It's a double-edged sword. Writing about mental health explicitly, wanting to fight the stigma. But also writing about certain labels also puts my characters in a box. Maybe someone else can read what I write and come to a conclusion that a character relates to another disorder..? So, it's a dilemma. 

But yeah. Neurologist. Psychiatrist. Gonna see those. Uh.. ok. Will I post about my appointments afterward? I don't know. Probably not. Not right away at least. It's always on my mind since I'm terrified and paranoid. But also excited. I have mixed signals into how I should feel. Just.. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

It's around 2:30 am. I'm typing as fast as I can. I'm not reading over what I'm saying. Is anything I'm saying coherent? Am I making any sense? I have no idea.

Have I ever went into my memory issues on here in the past year? I should accept that I have something wrong with me, that it's not normal to not remember so much. I can't remember shit. My friends were concerned. My therapist and doctor were concerned. Anyway, I hope I'm not just being dramatic about all this. 

I barely remember anything before the ages of 12 and 14. Maybe 15, but that feels like a stretch. I forget so much. I'm just a ghost in control of this flesh prison human body getting by day to day. My working memory isn't that good. 

Late 2020 and early 2021 were very bad for me. More mental health stuff in 2020; more physical health stuff in 2021. I was messed up for a long time earlier this year. There were so many reasons why I wasn't active on here for a while. And even before that long break, I didn't post that much. I had my reasons. And no, this isn't that post where I'll explain everything. I'm not sure if I ever will. 

Around this time last year genuinely scares me. Earlier this year, I talked to some people about how much I can barely remember from late summer/fall/winter 2020. Well, mostly the fall. But still. Well, not barely. More like full-on can't. What was I learning in my classes then? What was I doing in my free time? I can't remember. All I can remember is grief and intense anxiety over my own mental health shit and being stressed out of my mind over a few other people I was close to back then. It fucked me up. Plus, withdrawal. I think I was also in withdrawal then. Not getting into that though. And all that grief and stress feels so disconnected from my 2021 self. I can't remember the details, just the physical pain and severe grief and stress I felt every day. 

I also had the worst episodes of derealization I ever experienced in late 2020 through the first half of 2021. There were breaks, but that shit lasted hours and even days at a time. I genuinely felt that I wasn't real, that my environment wasn't real, but I think worst of all, I truly felt like people I was texting weren't real, actual people. That my friends weren't real. And that's terrifying. It made me treat them, and other people, as if they didn't exist. That I was just writing my thoughts out to the void, maybe to a bot. It ruined my friendships. I fucked up.

That's a brief rundown. Is that the right word? Screw it. I don't care. 

I haven't experienced that in a while at this point, but the fear that it'll return is always in the back of my mind. Feeling disconnected from reality isn't fun. I hate it. 

So..... yeah.

And I had physical who-the-hell-knows-what's-going-on-with-me pain up until this past summer basically. That sucked. It really, really sucked. Everything's a blur. I can remember some things but everything's blurry. I can't see the past in detail. It's like looking back at myself when I'm not wearing my glasses. It's all blurred. Maybe I can make out a few things, but nothing's in focus. That's what it feels like.

I'm so disconnected from my past selves. They're not me. 

Who am I? Who is the real me? I don't know my identity. I don't know who I am. Not entirely. I hate not knowing. It's hard to have a sense of self when I can't remember so much from my past, including how I was a few months ago. It scares me. 

I hate being disconnected. I hate how bad my memory has become. I hate all of this. 

I'm assuming all of that is why I got a referral to see a neurologist. Maybe the physical pain I experienced every day also plays a part in all this. It's not normal. Tell me it's not normal. 

But I want to be normal. I know I can't be. I just want answers. I want confirmations. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, and everything isn't as bad as I fear it is.

What else? Hmm......

I have no real pronouns preference. They all feel "meh" and shrug to me. I started testing out being called he/him online a short while back. Being called "he" sounds nice. Being referred to with masculine terms are nice (dude, guy, bro, sir, etc.). I'm cool with it. I don't consider it my obvious favorite though. I'm generally apathetic. I still accept she/her and they/them. They all feel "meh" *shrugs* to me.

Gender identity still confuses the hell out of me. I don't know the specifics, but this year made me believe more than ever that it feels like I'm probably not cis. I've started accepting that I've been feeling like I'm pretending/lying to everyone, that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. And the strings are wearing out; the mask feels like it's slipping. I think about masking a lot. It's getting harder and harder to keep all these masks up. Mental health and gender. Yeah.

This shit's confusing. Like.. fuck.

I'm not reading over this. I'm tired. I keep typing "This" and "this"... omg shut up, me. 

I also want to make posts about my characters in other ways, but I'm scared. How I'm aware and scared of making my characters become stereotypes. What the hell have I done? I'm aware. I know. I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know if I can dig myself out of this hole. Am I redeemable? I don't know. I have paranoia. I constantly feel like scum. I have pessimistic thinking. 

I don't really see them that way for the most part, but I know how easily they can be interpreted the way of being stereotypes. Do I have originality? I don't know. 

There's so much I want to say about Jack in particular. This dude.. geez. I have so many thoughts. So, so many.

Oh and the relationship that Fierdan and Soulless have. It's fucked up on so many levels. I feel like I never really explained it straightforward. And I want to. But actually doing so terrifies me. It's fucked up. Soulless is.. well, a demonic bastard. But Fierdan? Fierdan in Cincernum? Fierdan leading up to being there? Oh god. Fierdan is fucked up. There is nothing okay with any of this. It's cursed. That's the point. There is nothing healthy and decent about any of this. It's worse than you think. Probably. Going into explicit details might destroy me. But I want to explain it all. But.. fuck.

Basically, their relationship mimics various types of close ones. It wasn't always extremely toxic, not from the start. It just evolved to become worse and worse as the years went on. What are they to each other? I don't know anymore. Everything keeps changing. What the hell.

Parent/Guardian ~ Child. Teacher/Mentor ~ Student. A twisted form of friends. Puppet ~ Puppeteer. Master ~ Slave. A very twisted and sinister form of lovers in a toxic relationship. Manipulation. Exploitation. Abuse. That's what defines their relationship basically. They're all of those things. They're none. What the fuck is going on? 

Soulless's age is unknown. Indefinite. Unknowable. Not human. Ryen made Soulless the way they turned out. Is Soulless a brother? No. They're not a sibling to Fierdan. Or Ryen. But learning Ryen's involvement in making Soulless the way they are? No wonder Fierdan hates him.

Just.. Fierdan and Soulless represent toxic relationships. It's dark. Various types of abuse. Fierdan being under Soulless's control. Like a goddamn puppet. It's sickening. Thinking about the graphic details about what happens between the two of them horrifies me. If Fierdan became manipulated over several years to Soulless's control in his life and even his actual mind.. of course he couldn't say no to everything. The point of story 1 is that he gains confidence over time to step away and fight back. That takes such a long time. Duke helps with that, even if he isn't fully aware of it himself. If Fierdan lived in constant fear and lived while being controlled and manipulated, not knowing what it's like to make decisions on his own, can it even count as consensual the things he did with Soulless? Sure, Fierdan did those things, maybe Soulless didn't force him to do all of them, but was it ever really his conscious decision? If he had the choice not to, would he? And besides, manipulation and other forms of abuse were all Fierdan knew. Consenual? No. No, no, no. 

Like.. there are reasons why Fierdan wants to kill Soulless. There are reasons why he hates Soulless so intensely. What they've done together and what Soulless did to him is just so fucked up. All of it greatly contributed to Fierdan's PTSD. All those traumas. A never-ending hell.

Haha, my mind is twisted. 

Fierdan in Cincernum. Just.. fuck. Damn.

....... That's Fierdan in Cincernum. Designed more pretty than how he actually appeared there. He looked more androgynous than masculine, maybe even feminine. All and none. Barely alive. The puppet of melancholy. A toy designed for Soulless's pleasure and entertainment.

Oh and he's definitely not just a victim. There's nothing pure and innocent about this version of Fierdan. He did some fucked up shit. Haha, he's problematic. 

............ This tangent ended up longer than I thought. I wasn't even focusing that much on it. Just.. yeah, Fierdan and Soulless in a nutshell is a huge "What the fuck!". Yeah.

Appointments.. I'm scared. The point of this post is what I said in the beginning. Not this. Please don't let it be this. 

.... I ended up listening to the songs I put in the last post and thinking about the scenes between Fierdan and Soulless towards the end of the time I was writing chapters. One scene in particular. Damn, that was messed up. What the fuck.

Thoughts dump. Dumped them all here. 

I'm not rereading this. 

So, that's what's been on my mind. All and nothing. 

My Edgy Boys + Music To Vibe To

Hi, I'm back. Here's another post where I'll be posting pictures of my edgy boys I designed on a Picrew.

Haha, ha, ha, aaaaaaa—

 Let's all just continue to ignore my last post! Yeah! Let's do that! 

Just.. never mind all that. 

Ahem, onto the Picrew link for this post. 

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/1052975

But before I go into my boys, here's how I designed myself on it a few months ago. Haha, it's me. Funny.

........ Now onto my characters. 

Warning: art contains blood, black goop from Cincernum, and glitch effects.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾

From top to bottom: Fierdan in Cincernum, Demonic Duke (when he loses his humanity and becomes more like Soulless), Post-Cincernum / Story 2 Fierdan/Danny, Soulless, and Ryen (who is pissed off at computer error messages lmao).

I miss thinking about and designing Demonic Duke. I love how this one came out. It looks great in this art style.

Anyway, the effects available on this Picrew really emphasize my characters' vibes during certain parts of their lives. 

And I think it's funny how angry Ryen is at the error messages. I love that.

Soulless is so extra. Look at this demonic bastard. I hate them/it but love the vibes I created in the picture. The broken black hearts, all the static, the black goop (the hand shape! the black claws! <3), the spam of :) faces... I love it.

The last Fierdan one (the third picture)— Aww, my heart. He's so done. This poor, traumatized boy. Oh god. The glitched background and effects. The "No Signal" message. This man's mind. ;-;

Wait. I have a sexier one than that Duke one. Hold on. I swear it's sexy. Like.. fuck.

*breathes in* *breathes out* boi—

😩😫😳 omg that's so sexy!!!1!!1!

Everyone who isn't me: I swear to god, I want to kill the creator of this post. Fuck you.

Me: 😀 asdfghjklqwertyuiop

[If it isn't clear, I'm joking. I'm a fool. I don't know how to be serious. Especially not on this cursed "blog" I have here.]

Anyway, I decided to design Brock on this Picrew as well. You know.. Brock. From my old skit posts. That boy. Yes. Him. 

His fashion sense is horrible and gorgeous at the same time. That's just how he is. :')

☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾

Now onto the music part of the post! Yeeee~

These songs might or might not relate to my characters' vibes in this post. I mean the Fierdan, Duke, and Soulless ones. Those vibes. 

Might. Might not.

Anyway, I've been listening to these songs on repeat not too long ago. Well, for a while at this point.

Music— hell yeah. 😈

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terrible Thing (pitched + bass) ~ AG & Brad Gordon

Dive Back In Time & Overthink (opening & ending songs to the Chinese show Link Click). (It's such a good show. <3)

Soulswap (feat. Holocene) ~ Solitaris

Colors ~ Kulick

I Think I'm OKAY ~ Machine Gun Kelly, YUNGBLUD, Travis Barker

Melancholy ~ AViVA

Dreamin (feat. blackbear) ~ The Score

Let the Sky Fall Down (feat. Matt Van) ~ Mr FijiWiji

*becomes invested in finding songs that remind me of Soulless and Fierdan's relationship* 

It's very toxic. 

Heh. 👿

These songs though. 😈🔥

Destroy Me ~ Mr. Kitty

Nowhere To Run ~ Stegosaurus Rex

If I Killed Someone For You (slowed) ~ Alec Benjamin (This song also reminds me of Dawn.)

Fuck U ~ Placebo

PUPPETEER ~ Sworn in

Revenge, And a Little Bit More ~ Unlike Pluto

god.

~ Shan / Cutepups / ??? 

New Story in Progress

Hi again. Wow, I'm making another post so soon. I have ideas for posts. Shocking news, I know.

It's very late in my time zone, so I'll just get to the point.

I've been incredibly stressed these past 2 or 3 days. One reason why was because I'm taking a creative writing class where I'll supposedly be working on a short story for the duration of the semester. Also, it's a nearly 3-hour-long class. So I've been stressed.

I couldn't decide on what to write a story on. All I knew was that I wanted it to involve my story characters we all know. Yes, that story universe. I know, I know. 

Anyway, I finally decided on a story idea. I wrote the opening of it last night, which I need to have for my class this week.

So, what's it on? What is my new story in progress about? 

Well, it's a character's backstory that I never really went into before. Not in detail, anyway. 

Dang, I haven't written a story in so long. Writing makes me nervous, but I'm also excited to be working on this story. 

And it just feels... weird. I'm writing it in past tense and in third-person. I just came back from reading parts of a few chapters of Twinkle's Story, which I wrote in present tense and first-person with various different point-of-views (POVs). So, yeah, this story will have a different feel to it. 

And of course, all the characters are humans now. I'm probably not going to write anything from this story universe where the characters are foxes and wolves ever again. That was a thing from the past. Everyone is a human (or with the initial appearance of a human *cough, cough* Duke) now. 

Oh wait. Soulless isn't human. Eh, whatever, you get what I mean. I hope.

That's it. Just felt like giving the news that I'm working on a new story which is a character's backstory. 

Heh, heh, heh. >;)

By the way, it's for a class. That actually doesn't mean much, but I'll say I'm planning on making this story a lot less screwed up than what I wrote in story 1 and in my future main story plans. So it's more "child-friendly"— if you can trust that anything from this story universe is safe for a child to read. I have no idea. *shrugs*

Anyway, there's a good chance that I'll be thinking of said character I'll be writing this story about a lot more often. This character deserves love and to be appreciated. 

That's all. Goodnight. 

~ Shan / Cutepups 

PS: I intentionally did not reveal which character. I prefer to keep it a secret for now. 

new post? nah. unless...

 New post? Nah. Unless... 

New post but also not. 

It is both. 

;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last post was a complete mess. I ended up typing it for around 4 hours. I wasn't paying attention to the time. I was totally unaware. 

And I am so, so sorry for that. 

*proceeds to fall off a —*

Haha, just kidding! I'm totally not feeling like crap right now. What? No... 

*points in the distance* Oh, look at that! Another Picrew! 

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/683306

*returns from the void* Hi again. 

Order of characters: Jack (I associate X's with him lol), Ardere (the bow and arrows sure does fit him, ahahaha omg), Dawn (plants, her beloved <3), Fierdan (holding a dagger suspiciously), Ryen (with his hand in a fist for some reason), and Dylan (holding up the middle finger which is just a total thing he would do lol). 

Oh and the last two are me. Top one in a fantastical setting. Bottom one being in a realistic one (aka our reality, oof).

Ok yeah!! Time to move on!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be copying and pasting sections from the previous post for organization's sake (and for my own sanity- and yours too probably). 

So, here goes nothing:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(I use these too much.)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CINCERNUM INFORMATION:

Time is weird in Cincernum. It doesn't pass the same way it does here. It doesn't pass the same way it does where Stella and Ardere and all those people are, which isn't any different from how time passes where Ryen and Dylan and all those people are. Cincernum is something else entirely. Cincernum is weird. 

In Cincernum, people and other "living" things aren't dead... nor alive. Everything is in a weird state. Fierdan doesn't age normally (like how he would on Earth... without going into the different timelines created from being in Cincernum). Ryen is always older than Fierdan despite him not spending time in Cincernum. 

Does Fierdan spend months or years or decades in Cincernum? The passage of time there is very distorted,  so it's hard to exactly translate it to how time passes here (Earth). If it did, Fierdan would have to be over 18 since he helped "create" Duke (Duke is 18 when the story events begin); then add all the years before he went to Cincernum (which was when he was between the ages of 15 and 17). Fierdan would have to be so old if time passed normally. But he's not in his 40s or something. When the story events take place (not including flashbacks or whatever), he's 22. 

And since Fierdan isn't fully alive in Cincernum (I like to think of him as being in this dormant-like state but able to talk and move— with lots of fatigue so not at the same level of energy as a healthy person), he doesn't need food, drinks, or sunlight. 

After leaving Cincernum, Fierdan has lots of trauma over being stuck there for what probably felt like an eternity to him. Soulless was there with him. Soulless never drifted far from Fierdan until he kills it. And Fierdan killing Soulless is at the end of story 1. Soulless abused Fierdan in various ways ever since he was a child. And it got worse over the years. Oh and Fierdan invalidates his experiences because Soulless isn't human. The character that abused him the most and worst isn't human. Soulless, a demon, abused him physically. Z, his father, who is definitely a child abuser, didn't abuse Fierdan (physically, anyway).

What is Cincernum? I don't feel like going into detail, but it's basically a separate, small realm. Everything's dark. There's black goop covering the floors and walls. Why black goop? I don't know. There just is. Also, no one can access it without Fierdan or Soulless knowing. But since no one knew about it, no one could. Then again, Soulless was controlling Fierdan. That is until Fierdan started successfully planning Soulless's execution and freed himself from being Soulless's puppet (or doll or toy, whichever word you prefer). Honestly, it's such a turning and touching moment when Fierdan goes to the world of the dead (what I used to call "Heaven"), finds Luna (who happens to be Stella's sister) being threatened and harassed by Duke's "human father" (as I refer to him), brings her to Cincernum, and they start working together. They help each other with their goals. It's sweet. 

Anyway, back to the main question— Cincernum is a realm created by Fierdan and Soulless. Just not as consciously as "creating" Duke. It's their world. And it sucks. Cincernum is awful. It's depressing, okay. How did they create it? I don't know the technicalities. All I know is that Fierdan (who is being manipulated by Soulless during all this) becomes extremely homicidal and can't fully control himself. He violently killed Z, and not that long after (months to 2 years later), Soulless, who feeds on violence, wants Fierdan to murder again. Which... he comes very close to doing. He goes to Dawn, the person he's closest with (they have history), and nearly kills her. Then shortly after Dawn realizes this, she gives Fierdan poison, and starts living in isolation (#trust-issues). Every other person Dawn knew (and remembered) damaged her. Violated her. Of course she can't just bring herself to trust new people. Then, after the effects of the poison wore off, Fierdan has a break from being mind-controlled by Soulless. He can't live with the guilt of what he did or nearly did, so he desperately wishes to escape from their current reality. So... he does that. Probably goes into a coma for who knows how long and wakes up in Cincernum. Maybe Fierdan considered suicide, but Soulless had plans for him and gave him an intense will to not die (Soulless wouldn't have anyone; it exists because of Fierdan). And so, Fierdan desperately wanted to escape, Soulless helped make that happen and made Fierdan's wish into his time-distorted prison. 

DRUGS & DRUG ADDICTIONS 

By the time Jack becomes another main character in the story universe timeline and he's close with Fierdan, he's been to and completed rehab. And by the time he's hanging out with Fierdan, Stella, and the others, the drugs he takes aren't on the same level as addiction as the drugs that led to his drug addictions. It's still a dependency though. Will Jack completely stop taking recreational drugs? I really don't know. In his 20s, I can only really see him having increased periods time without taking any substance (the sobriety periods get longer over time). In context, Jack is 23 when he meets and eventually starts working together with Fierdan, Stella, and the rest of them. I mean, not Ryen and Dylan since they've known Jack longer.  He might still be on methadone. I don't know any more details on that. 

List of Drugs Jack Became Addicted To: opioids (heroin, morphine, fentanyl); cocaine.

List of Non-Prescription Drugs that I Don't Consider Jack Technically Addicted To: nicotine; marijuana. Basically, he smokes at least sometimes. 

. . . he [Fierdan] has addictive tendencies. At some point, the other characters (especially Jack and Ryen since they have personal experience battling addiction) worry about Fierdan becoming an alcoholic and addict of other drugs. He might just willingly be self-destructive in choosing to not be sober most of the time, but I'm not sure if he ever becomes "addicted" addicted [to fit the criteria to hypothetically* get diagnosed with Substance Use Disorder]. Anyway, Fierdan definitely has an unhealthy relationship with substances. 

Actually, that's all I wanted to copy and paste from there. Ok, let's move on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(why)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My stupid self forgot to put a disclaimer on the last post, even though I intended to talking about it. Oh well, I'll do it now. 

*When I talk about any diagnoses and medications my characters would have, it's actually all hypothetical. I just like writing about that sort of thing as a weird way to organize my thoughts and plans for my characters. Diagnoses don't define them, nor do they define you or me. They're labels and nothing more. I know that. My brain works weird, so in thinking about my characters through a clinical psychological viewpoint, I can "understand" them better and incorporate them into my writings better. 

*Adding onto all that, I feel like it's time that I say that just because I said "Fierdan has C-PTSD, Stella has GAD, Jack has ADHD, etc." I don't explicitly know if I will include any of those diagnoses (that we use today in our reality in 2021) in my story canon. Honestly, it's pretty unlikely. I just use the diagnoses we do have as reference point. If my characters live in 2021 in our world and could all miraculously get all their accurate mental health diagnoses, then I feel like yeah, they highly likely have the diagnoses I said they do. 

*I'm from the United States, so I've been using terms from the DSM-V. However, I feel like I should add that I know C-PTSD isn't even an "official" diagnosis in there. So, is the whole "using real-life disorders" completely true? I don't know. But I know about C-PTSD and its differences and similarities with PTSD, and I feel like the post traumatic stress symptoms and traumatic events themselves my traumatized characters face are on two different planes. On one plane is Stella's, and on the other is Fierdan's/Dawn's/Ryen's. The traumas the siblings faced was far more long-lasting and complex than the trauma Stella did. ... Haha, I'm digressing from the point I want to make. Goddamnit. 

*Diagnostic labels change. Nothing is set in stone. Who knows if they will change completely in the future? Who knows if the terms we use now will be seen as completely inaccurate or misleading years down the road? Who knows what labels will replace our current ones? I can't answer those questions. So, why am I saying all this? Well, it's because my characters live and exist in a completely different time and world from ours. It's not our own! It's different! So, with that in mind, will they really get the diagnoses we use today? The same names, the same list of symptoms? I doubt it. I'm just trying to make connections between our current society, how I perceive my characters, and the thoughts/actions/behaviors I say my characters have/engage in. And I still can't even begin to come up with all these new terms that would act as the equivalent of the ones used today to only be used in my story. Besides, no one would know what the hell I would be talking about. I don't have a Glossary of terms used in the story that could translate into our time and world. I just don't have that. Not now and not for a long time, anyway.

By the way, this also includes things such as my characters' nationalities and ethnicities/races. I'm hesitant on talking about those things regarding my characters since I would have to use countries and continents that exist in our world in 2021 as equivalents for the countries my characters are from and how to explain their ethnicities. 

But they don't live on our Earth in 2021. It's different and in the future in a time I haven't yet defined. Everything happens in the future. Will the names we use today be used then? I don't know and can't know since it's so far in the future. And on top of that, the story isn't realistic fiction. So what will happen in our reality's future is something I doubt will actually happen. It's fictional. It's completely different. 

*takes a deep breath* Hope I explained that all well enough. Hope this all looks decent. I've been shaking and feeling like I could cry and have an anxiety attack for the past 3 or 4 hours. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together.

I'm so sorry for not fully explaining all of this sooner. I kept on telling myself I would after I came back from my long break, but I screwed up and didn't. I'm so sorry.

I also haven't been viewing my characters as only defined by their hypothetically-diagnosed-with disorders in years at this point. There's so, so, so much more to them than diagnostic labels. It's just that they affect their interactions with others and how they perceive themselves (especially with Fierdan, omg). 

I've also been trying to make my characters not fit the stereotypical versions of their disorders. They're all different. A few characters could have the same symptoms and possible disorders, but they present differently. One character could struggle with X symptom a lot more than Y symptom, and the opposite could be true for another character with the same disorder. 

Okay. I'm done talking about all of this for now. If there is anything I feel like I need to clarify, I would do it later. 

REST OF THE POST IS ABOUT ME, NOT MY CHARACTERS OR STORY.

I'm planning on finally seeing a psychiatrist at the end of this month. I've been waiting for so long. I'm both excited and absolutely terrified. It's happening. I have a confirmed appointment date for my first evaluation. I never went to an actual psychiatrist before. Never mind one that specializes in one disorder I've been meaning to get officially tested for. 

Technically, I've already been "diagnosed" with said disorder. It's just not exactly "official" since it wasn't by any doctor who specifically specializes in working with people with said disorder. And by that I mean not a psychiatrist or neurologist. Not yet at least. I also have an appointment date with a neurologist.

Even calling it a "disorder" is controversial, but oh well, I see it as me having a disorder. But at the same time, not exactly. It's a neurological difference. Okay, yeah, sure, whatever. 

And if anyone knows me and this place, I'm not afraid of writing about mental health on here. Fuck the stigma. 

Never mind, I'll briefly talk about my characters again. Since I likely have ASD and have learned more about it and other adults' experiences with living with it and talked with some, I've been thinking that maybe I can  see some of my characters as having it too. Maybe a few of my characters can be like me in that way, too. 

Also, like, fuck the stereotypes. It's not just a thing that male children have. Not everyone with ASD can't socialize at all. It's a spectrum, and not a binary one either. 

By disorder, I meant ASD. I found out I'm (very likely) autistic this year. And I'm still the same person writing these posts. I'm still, well, me. 

And that doesn't begin the whole process of wanting to get officially tested for ADHD since I likely have that as well. And maybe other things in addition to that. 

I know I'm not normal. I'm not like most neurotypicals but never had the vocabulary to explain to myself why. I have so many pretty clear and obvious autistic traits— if only people actually knew what autism is. At the same time, I constantly feel like a fraud and invalidate myself since I don't relate to everyone with ASD despite it being something with such a diverse range of experiences. 

I'm saying all of this in the first place since I don't give a shit about myself. I'm autistic— so fucking what? I'm already paranoid that everyone judges me and thinks I'm a freak. Well, here's one more thing to add to the list. 

. . . I'm tired of feeling sick and like I could throw up, knowing I most likely won't. 

I'm not fucking okay.