jjjsjssjsjsjsjsjsahahaha
ahahahahahaha
Let’s look at what I said in a few of my old posts on here. I think it’s funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lmao. so funny I’m crying laughing so much. uh huh, uh huh...
- “I’m probably not autistic myself but”
- “make a joke about ocd? fuck you. make a joke about ptsd/triggers? fuck you. think depression is just “feeling sad” and refuse to learn more? fuck you. only think people count as autistic if they can’t function in their daily lives which leads to you dehumanizing people on the autism spectrum one way or another? fuck you.”
- “Don’t say things like: “I’m ocd” ... and then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses.
- (from a dream I had apparently): “Then on the weird elevator ride up (the elevator turned what the heck), I met someone who screamed, "OCD!" and then I left.” ??? idk lol
- “And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”
- “People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!”
- “There’s a possibly good chance that I have ... OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot.”
. . . . . .
/ / / / / /
*******************
Funny.
I had another psychiatrist appointment last week. And uh... uhhhhhhhh—
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Guess what?
Turns out I’m autistic and really do have OCD.
Some of what I quoted are from posts a few years old. Damn.
I’ve been questioning whether or not I have it for over a year at this point. So much has changed since last year.
And now it’s October 2021 and I’ve been told I “definitely have OCD” and am diagnosed with it.
It’s... It’s Real.
I’ve been having mixed feelings about being confirmed about this ever since my appointment. On one hand, I feel validated and that I do in fact have it “bad enough” and I’m struggling enough and I’m not faking it, etc. But on the other hand, I’m still having a mental crisis because it’s real and I have it and it’s... idk. You know?
Honestly, I’ve been feeling like I’m close to crying and having a mental breakdown for the past few hours.
It’s almost Monday. I don’t want it to be Monday. I’m scared. I don’t think I can get through this. I keep avoiding and hiding.
I can’t. I just can’t.
So many things are going wrong. I also keep screwing everything in my life up.
Another mental health condition confirmed.
hahahahahahahaha fml :’}
I haven’t been active on here for a long time, so I haven’t really gone in-depth over a lot of stuff. All of this isn’t coming from nowhere. I just don’t want to talk about Everything.
For the past year, I’ve been struggling so much. I’m still struggling. I don’t think I’ll ever not be struggling.
Life itself is a struggle.
I feel emotionally paralyzed.
I have two midterm exams tomorrow. I hate Mondays.
I feel like shit. Bye.
~ Shan
And to the surprise of almost nobody, our favorite depressed nerd IS Autistic and does indeed have OCD! *supportive clapping intensifies*
ReplyDeleteAnd OOOH Yah! The conflicting feelings of "VINDICATED! I have X!" and "Whaddya mean I have to live with X for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do to fix it and it wont get better". *internally screaming*
Congrats and Condolences aside tho, Shan, I hope you make it out of Monday alive. Can't guarantee good vibes, but I pray you at least have the strength to face the vibes no matter what they taste like.
<3 <3 <3
ha ha... yep. Thanks for the clapping..? That’s how I feel about it. Conflicting feelings (oof). Especially the internal screaming. Now that’s me. And I guess you can say I lived through Monday. The rest of the week is another story... Yeah, thanks for everything you said. Thank you. <3
DeleteDon't mention it, mate. <3 Look after yourself to the best of your ability, and drink some nice cold water or something. As a treat. (idk man It's hot over here atm and a crushed ice fruity drink or slushy sounds amazing. Altho it's probably colder over there for you. Uh- can I suggest tea? Is that something I can recommend? Toasty tea? Or coffee. Or a Latte. I hear lattes are good. *Thinks about it some more, then meanders off to hydrate* I'm thirsty now.)
DeleteI hope your midterms went well, Shan!
ReplyDeleteFor lack of better words, after your questioning, you've finally arrived at an answer - so I think that it's a good thing, in a sense that you finally come to a conclusion, with a diagnosis.
Facing forwards, as you mentioned that life isn't easy, but now it opens up ideas and options for what you can do next.
I don't know how to respond to your respond on the other post, and I'm sorry, mostly due to a lack of ability to respond accordingly, I suppose (it's an irrational concern if my comment likely can't match up to the other's response length pfft).
You mention about reaching out to the access service being more feasible now, so one step at a time, I think you can start to make more sense of yourself to the world.
It might be daunting, especially that you mention they're strict. Maybe try to keep some notes to remind you about what you're going to tell them, or research in advance what they require for you to be granted such service (eg. documents, IDs, etc.).
Though yeah, you're right about the ADHD / ADD thing. I keep mixing up my facts oops. I keep thinking it's the other way around for some reason.
Re: Stereotypes.
I think it's also because at the end of the day, our research on foreign things gives us information about the common circle that is most likely to define a person with said trait. I've been trying to look into more self-assessed notes by people with certain traits but even then it might also seem stereotypical due to their traits.
No, you're right. I also keep so many of my OCs that will never be seen by others (laughs), so I understand how you feel. A character - like ourselves - consist of so many layers and things that makes them /them/, and you have the right as the creator to share as much as you will, or lock them up with their skeletons in their closet.
On a side note, I was going to make another analogy up there, but decided against it since it made little sense to me (like how is a "piece of cake" or "walk in the park" alluding to "something easy"?). I don't want to treat you differently because of your diagnosis (diagnoses?) but I have read that autistics take things literally and might not do so well with analogies and / or certain literary languages, and I like to use a lot of analogies, idioms, etc., so going forwards I want to ask if you prefer more straight forward language that gets to the point over flowery ones?